Green Lantern Corps #35

Call him a Black Lantern just because he's black. Comic books are racist.

I wish I was constantly angry over stupid shit just so it looked like I was intelligent and full of passion. Instead, I just get angry over comic books. And even then, the anger is just for show so it looks like I care about something. What I'm really doing is just killing time. Should I be doing something more important with my life? No, probably not. Who cares?! It's not like I feel the need to prove myself to some authoritative father figure! I don't need constant love and attention and cookies from some all-encompassing mother figure! Well, maybe the cookies. But Oreo supplies those, so I save my love for the Oreo Corporation. And most people are tyrannical assholes who think the way they live their life is the way everybody else should live theirs, thereby ensuring that mainstream society sucks fucking ass and is hardly worth participating in.

Oh wait! I just remembered something I want to be angry about which I've been angry about before but who's stopping me from ranting about it again? Certainly not some dictatorial dad-monster that raised me to GO GO GO and MAKE THAT MONEY, SONNY! Here's what I want to hate on now: Paying It Forward! The whole concept of "Paying It Forward" is bullshit. Stop being stupid, dumb, motherfucking bullshit assholes. Oh yeah, I'm the one being tyrannical now! But I'm being tyrannical with good advice! Paying It Forward might make you feel philanthropic because you bought some stupid twat their coffee, but what you're really doing is trying to oblige that stupid twat to also Pay It Forward. And if everybody is constantly Paying It Forward, YOU AREN'T FUCKING DOING ANYTHING, YOU DUMB NITWITS! Why doesn't everyone just pay for their own fucking coffee?! It's practically the same thing! When a Pay It Forward chain begins, you know what gets accomplished?! One fucking person gets their coffee for free and it's the asshole that finally thinks, "Fuck that. I ain't paying for the next guy's shit." So that dick gets all the benefit while the person who began it is just out an extra few bucks. Oh, sure! You all feel so fucking giddily happy with yourselves for participating in Paying It Forward. Look at you! Patting yourself on the back for doing an inconsequentially decent thing. Such a maverick! Just changing the world one stupid decision at a time! You go, moron!

Fucking dicks. Now your Paying It Forward bullshit has ruined my day. Stop playing your stupid Paying It Forward games and actually help people in need if you feel the need to partake in some form of charity. Except that actually takes thought and time, doesn't it? It's much easier to wait until somebody else pays for your lunch to remind you that you want to feel like you're accomplishing something so you pay for somebody else's lunch! And, well, you just happened to have an extra few bucks that you didn't spend on your own lunch, so why not pay for somebody else's lunch?! Oh, you kind, giving, charitable, gracious, happy-go-lucky rebel, you. Fuck you.

I wish I could feel things more often! Angry, mean-spirited, horrible, abusive things! Yes! It feels so good to ruin some nicety nice nicerton's day! Suck it, you Pay It Forward monsters!

Hopefully, for Van Jensen's sake, I've successfully vented my rage and my system is no longer threatening to blow every gasket. Let's see if John Stewart can keep from reigniting my boilers.

Ha ha! Oh yes, that helps calm the nerves. Seeing John Stewart getting his ass kicked. So relaxing.

This issue is called "Reckoning" because things are going to get wrecked on in here, y'all!

The Green Lantern Corps are investigating the planet Aydin which The New Gods transformed into Paradise. Except a few things went wrong because The New Gods aren't infallible. They may be more powerful than everything else in the DC Universe but they're not smarter. They're just power hungry assholes with an Apokolips obsession. And they've never heard about the Emotional Spectrum because they're all unfeeling bastards that probably think Paying It Forward is the height of human evolution.

Especially maybe in the window where the other one came from? Who left these braindead fucknuts in charge of the universe?

It's nice of those other lanterns (Vash, Isamot, and Arisia) to just hang around floating in the sky while John was savaged and knocked eighty feet to the ground to disappear in a heap of rubble. But what more can they do? They already yelled, "STEWART!" Green Lantern Protocol, I suppose, forces them to float in the sky staring down at the hole in the rubble to wait and see if Stewart can help himself. Or, and this is quite probable, they're just afraid that if they fly down to help John, he'll wind up killing them. You can't be too careful around that incompetent, planet-destroying, teammate-murdering buffoon!

The Green Lanterns cage the Evolved Aydinians except they manage to break out of the light construct cages. Isamot exclaims, "How could it break through--?" Seriously, Isamot? Haven't you been paying attention to recent Green Lantern history? Your Green Lantern Rings are not the most powerful weapon in the universe anymore! They fucking eat dicks! And not in a good way! They eat them in that German Craigslist cannibalistic hook-up kind of way! What were once weapons that could subdue any creature in the universe are now about as useful as the machinery in the planetarium used to run the Pink Floyd laser light shows. Every Goddamned creature in the universe seems to be stronger than the constructs or completely immune or able to absorb the spectrum energy and use it against the Lanterns themselves. The Green Lantern Corps are fucking dinosaurs, man! They're dinosaurs!

Uggha the New God shows up to teach the Green Lanterns that wooden sticks and metal maces are more useful than their rings. They're even better than sticks and maces made out of light! Because physical, real weapons can kill these creatures even when the most powerful weapons in the universe cannot.

I think the Green Lantern's main problem is the same problem Earth is having with Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus! The Green Lanterns have been killing and subduing different weak willed species across the universe for billions of years. Which means the stronger willed species they haven't been able to kill or subdue with their rings have continued to propagate and evolve, creating more and more creatures resistant to the light of Willpower. So now billions of years later, the universe is awash in strong willed creatures that the rings have no power over. The Green Lanterns have basically fucked themselves by the overuse of antibacterial emotional spectrum.

Oh John! You hypocrite!

John realizes that the New Gods are behind what happened to this planet just as Uggha demands that he and his friends turn over their rings. They're just too dangerous to be used by a bunch of species that aren't smart enough to realize how truly powerful they are. Unless those are the exact types of species that should be using the rings! The species that have learned to utilize them just enough to not be too dangerous!

John, Isamot, Vash, and Arisia battle with Uggha and his minions. If the definition of battle is "get your ass kicked and then flee as fast as you can." They escape with the teleportation help of an Indigo Lantern.

Meanwhile Highfather and Metron discover the location of Kyle Rayner, White Lantern, and head off to relieve him of his burden.

The White Lantern's Burden? Is that a thing?

Green Lantern Corps #35 Rating: No change. Currently, the Green Lanterns can't stand against The New Gods. Their rings are useless against them. All they can do is run. I suppose they'll have to use the entire spectrum together to put any hurt on The New Gods. I'm sure at some point, Highfather will be surprised that they made him bleed, or he'll say something comic booky like, "That actually hurt!" But it'll take every color of the rainbow (and probably white as well (although minus orange unless Larfleeze's orange constructs can still use their orange construct rings)) used together to defeat The New Gods. And then the universe will collapse due to The Relic Inevitability Equation!

New Suicide Squad #3

I know DC Comics wants to sell lots and lots of issues of Suicide Squad, but Harley Quinn really shouldn't be on the team. Neither should The Joker's Daughter. Or Deathstroke. You know what? This whole roster sucks.

Last issue, Deathstroke was busy proving why he's the wrong man for a covert government black ops team. He's too skilled for government work. People will pay gross national product sums of money to hire him to kill and Deathstroke has no qualms about dropping a job to begin working for the next highest bidder. At least, he doesn't when he's not currently concerned about his reputation. You see, sometimes he's more concerned about how the assassin community views him than he is about money, and then he can't be bribed with a higher offer. But I don't think he gives a shit about the Suicide Squad. Besides, they're covert! Nobody knows he's working for them so nobody will know if he drops the ball and switches teams.

I don't even know why The Joker's Daughter was asked to join. I think because DC Comics realized she must have a fairly fanatical fan base seeing as how the Lenticular cover Villains Month issue of The Joker's Daughter sells for around $25 or more even though it's the worst written issue that came out that month. Holy shit is it garbage! It's just awful! I don't think I'll ever enjoy anything with The Joker's Daughter in it ever again simply because of that issue.

Harley is obviously on the team so the book actually sells. Deadshot is on the team because he's always on the fucking team. And Black Manta is on the team because the team needed a little diversity. He's certainly not on the team because they're going after sunken treasure or Aquaman's life.

Well, Black Manta, you're going to have to unless you think the corpse of The Joker's Daughter will be an effective teammate.

Is this match-up supposed to get me super excited? Even if The Joker's Daughter was my favorite character of all time and I was completely biased, I couldn't pick her to win this fight. She's just a fucking kid that ran away from home and shoved a rotting piece of flesh on her face. Harley has experience! She has anger issues! She has a reason to kick the shit out of this girl wearing her ex-boyfriend's face! The Joker's Daughter really should just shorten her name to The Joke.

Also, in that panel above, can you see that little box with the words you can't read? It explains that the Suicide Squad is a team of "incarcerated super-villains." Really? When has Deathstroke been incarcerated? When did The Joker's Daughter get put into juvenile detention? And what fucking super-powers does she have, anyway?! At least Harley seems to have the super-power of making cartoon violence look absolutely adorable. The Joker's Daughter is just a whiny asshole.

Now that The Joker is back in Batman, does he have a new face? I'm sure somebody in the DC Universe has the ability to grow him a new one in a lab. He should get Element Girl on his payroll to make new faces for him every week.

Harley Quinn and The Joker's Daughter continue to fight with each other as Vic Sage, Amanda Waller, and Black Manta bore the fuck out of me. None of this dialogue serves any purpose! Stop wasting my time, Sean Ryan! I have a feeling Ryan's entire pitch for the new Suicide Squad was this poorly thought out team and an idea that Vic Sage should be in charge. The Editors came in their pants over that idea and forgot to ask him if he had any ideas for a plot. Although he did make sure to have the most skeletal of plots ready to go: "The Squad invades Russia because, um, Putin! And Rocket Reds!"

Although, I have to admit that I enjoyed the resolution of the Harley vs. The Joker's Daughter fight (which Harley won, of course, by beating her senseless):

Harley was also helping herself get over The Joker by punching his face again and again and again.

The issue ends with the team searching for Deadshot who's busy being tortured for information about where the rest of his team have gone. Why would they think he knows that when they pulled him from a pile of rubble with a serious head injury? Plus, shouldn't they be more concerned about why these super-villains were stealing state secrets? Oh wait! They have Deathstroke to answer those questions for them now that they're paying him. Speaking of Deathstroke, he comes in to "torture" Floyd for the Russians. I put torture in quotation marks because we all know that Deathstroke was just pretending to work with the Russians to gather additional information (or to complete the real mission that none of the others knew about) and now he's actually going to "save" Floyd. I put save in quotation marks because he'll probably feel like torturing him at least a little bit.

New Suicide Squad #3 Rating: -1 Ranking. It really is mostly boring bullshit. I suppose Sean Ryan is still trying to come up with a reason why he stuck Vic Sage in command alongside Amanda Waller when she's been doing the job well for years. Although she did work alongside Frank Rock and some other teammates for a few issues back in the early Naughts. So far this book is sans plot just to make the clowns fight and to see the guys with "dead" and "death" in their names struggle for power. I'm pretty sure that was the whole premise of this crap.

Worlds' Finest #27

Yay! Just what DC's fans have been clamoring for! Another comic book starring Batman and Superman!

Do I really care about the secret history of Earth-2? Maybe if it's all the blood of Charlemagne lizard people and rampant chupacabras, sure! But if it's "Thomas Wayne didn't die in that alley!" and "Superman wasn't the only Superbaby!", I'm not so sure I'm interested. Why can't this be a Man-Thing/Howard the Duck team up?

Hey Marvel and DC! Get your stupid act together and realize that you should be publishing one monthly comic book that mixes your stupid universes. Just tell the lawyers to fuck off and stop trying to stifle everybody's fun. If you have to, just publish it with characters with slightly different names followed by "wink wink" in parentheses. So you'd have Badgerine (wink wink!) and Uberman (wink wink) and Amazing Woman (wink wink plus a nudge nudge) and Arachnid-dude (wink wink) and The Ostentatious Ignoramus (you know, the Hulk! Wink wink!). What's wrong with Marvel and DC? Do they hate money?

This issue begins with Tornado Lane believing that Earth-2 is so fucking special that all of its history and art and knowledge and sexual positions need to be recorded and preserved so that maybe, sometime in the far future when nobody will give a shit about ancient happenings, a society will take up her digital recordings and say, "How am I supposed to access this data in this antiquated storage device?" No wait. What Lois hopes will happen is that they will "rebuild their world if possible." Who is going to want to rebuild an ancient world that doesn't fucking matter anymore? I think the future will be more interested in naked selfies of your robot circuitry than the history of Batman and Superman. So come on, Lois! Remove the metal carapace and show me your chips!

Tornado Lane begins her historical account with the early years of Clark Kent. Who's that? Perhaps she should begin by telling the future that he was Superman! She's assuming her audience knows an awful lot.

"Know this, Future Generations: Superman's father was a huge failure."

While little baby Clark was rocketing to Earth filling his space capsule with loads of green baby turds, Thomas Wayne was busy telling Frankie Falcone that he and Martha are done attending his key parties. But he's Frankie Falcone, baby! If he wants to fuck something, he's going to fuck it! Nobody says "Get your dick out of my face!" to Frankie Falcone! Well, nobody but Thomas Wayne. But he would pay for that transgression! In an alley! Behind a theater! After watching The Mask of Zorro! Um, probably. It happens like that on every Earth, right?

Since Thomas won't play pee-pee games with Falcone anymore, Falcone needs a favor from Thomas Wayne so that Frankie can find someone that can't say no to his fat dick.

Oh yeah. Frankie's gonna get himself a gay baby!

Meanwhile on Krypton, Intri of Apokolips arrives to make Jor-el an offer he'll probably refuse because it's probably about his baby and Darkseid's cock.

There's an awful lot of infant pedophilia happening so far in the secret history of Earth-2.

I'm getting the feeling that Tornado Lane isn't recording the secret history of Earth-2. I think she's just writing her own wank book. A filthy, disgusting, immoral wank book that I completely and totally don't approve of at all! Except I have to admit that it should be published because I'm against censorship even if the material that is being censored involves people having sex with infants. I, for one, would never create horrible material like that! Can you even imagine reading something so ethically disgusting? Baby Alan Scott lying in the crib with a come hither giggle, naked, drooling, and seductive lying in its own filth, while a man...Ugh! So gross! How dare you, Tornado Lane, put those thoughts in anybody's mind! Shame on you, Lois! Shame!

Anyway, Jor-el sends Clark, Kara, Val, and a mystery baby away from Krypton so they could avoid dying and/or being molested.

Yeah! Although the children are being sent to the world with that other monster, Frankie Falcone, on it. So they still might wind up with severe trauma.

Thomas beats down Frankie Falcone which may or may not come back to haunt him later. I guess it depends on whether or not the mugger that kills his wife was a random mugging or a hit put out by Frankie. Will Tornado Lane uncover the truth to that story? You know what? I don't really fucking care. Why am I, once again, rereading Batman and Superman origin stories?! I've had it to the end of my cock with these fucking stories no matter what kind of twist DC puts on them! And I'm talking about my erect cock and not my flaccid cock! So that's like a whole bunch of more inches or centimeters or something worth of exhausted with these stories! Batman and Superman are so over!

Worlds' Finest #27 Rating: -4 Ranking. DC Comics has done a disservice to this title by losing the story of female friendship that had shaped it up until this point. I'm really not interested in a story about Earth-2 Superman and Batman! We already know the end of that story! They die! Oh, sure. Maybe it'll wind up being entertaining and interesting how all the Soon To Be Justice Society Babies' lives will be intricately tied up with one another. But it had better get really interesting really quickly or I'm going to rant and rave and lose my mind every time I have to read this stupid fucking comic book! Or forget making Earth-2's Super Babies interesting and just give me back Huntress and Power Girl, you jerks!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #12

Should Strife be hated or admired because she's good at her job?

How does the God of Ineptitude do his job? Doesn't he have to be the embodiment of ineptitude? So how does he make anybody inept if he's no good at his job?! I suppose he could be like that guy Schleprock on The Flintstones and he just strolls around town infecting everybody with his ineptness. What about the God of Impotence? Poor guy couldn't make any demi-gods!

Anyway, Superman is back from, supposedly, a black hole. But I'm not buying that! This might be a comic book but that doesn't mean it can posit completely ridiculous situations! Returning from a Black Hole is something they would have done on Perfect Strangers or The Brady Kids! I thought comic books wanted to be thought of as serious art? Well, you're not going to get any overly serious who-wants-to-hang-around-them-anyways assholes as comic book fans with plots like "Superman survives flying into a black hole!"

Now I have to look up that word! If it's not a real word, I'm going to be pissed that I exerted myself for no reason.

Oh wait! I get it! It's the transformation of a metaphor! I thought maybe it had something to do with the changing hormones of super heroes. Like maybe Wonder Woman was going through the change.

Speaking of The Change, does anybody know if it's okay for a guy to excessively touch his wife's hormone cubes which she takes for her menopause? I'm asking for Doom Bunny because he might be going through a change himself by the way he's constantly fiddling with his wife's cubes of hormones.

Wonder Woman was hanging out in Wembley Stadium because she needed to kick Giganta's ass. I don't know why Giganta was invading a soccer game. I suppose she had nothing better to do after Pandora's comic book was cancelled. Although I'm sure she'll get her job back when The Trinity of Sin begins later this month (actually which began already but I'm nowhere close to reading it yet!).

Earlier in the series, Superman gave Wonder Woman a flower from one of the creatures in his menagerie. I can't believe I didn't say how irresponsible and dangerous that was back in Issue #1! I was really off my game that day! Or I was concentrating on making a stupid joke that even I didn't understand when I reread the commentary later. But I should have been suspicious because as Wonder Woman was off fighting things and beating up The First Born and kicking Superdoomiac's ass, the flower turned into a betentacled zippered handbag. It sure is cute! I guess it had to grow its own form of locomotion since Wonder Woman forgot to oil it for months.

Why is Superman suddenly so touchy-feely? I think he got a taste for black holes! Wink wink! Nudge nudge!

Wonder Woman and Superman are immediately greeted by Wonder Woman's out of control flower as they walk in the door.

"...a zippered vagina?" No, seriously. Is that what a vagina looks like?

Audrey III runs away to guzzle gasoline while Superman and Wonder Woman give chase. She escapes into a gas pipeline which is when Superman reveals that the creature is Kryptonian. So he should have known that this would happen! You don't give somebody as busy as Wonder Woman a plant that needs oil on a regular basis or else it will turn into a rampaging monster! And yet, Superman blames Wonder Woman for forgetting to oil his thoughtless gift.

It's at this moment that Wonder Woman remembers she saw Strife on the cover and flies off to beat the fuck out of her.

Superman flies to Louisiana to see if the Swamp Thing can calm down Audrey III. Sheesh. Like every plant just automatically knows every other plant! No wonder Swamp Thing can't stand people. Superman explains how the flower is going to eat up all the oil and send the world back to the dark ages and Swamp Thing says, "Really? That's your argument to get me to stop it?"

But Wonder Woman arrives in time to explain that, as The God of War, she would be forced to send the world into a huge world war if Swamp Thing didn't help. She explains it as if the humans would be behind it themselves due to the chaos of a world changing so drastically but she's the God of War! Take some responsibility for your actions sometime, Diana!

Swamp Thing learns to speak Kryptonian, gets Audrey III to stop sucking down oil, and convinces her to come back to Louisiana to suck down something else. Probably Sweet Tea.

Actually, Superman convinces Wonder Woman to keep the stupid plant in her apartment because he's an asshole. Just accept that your gift sucked and take it back, you jerk! Don't put the onus on Wonder Woman to keep London safe from this stupid plant that shouldn't be out of the Fortress of Solitude even if it wasn't dangerous. You've heard of invasive species, right Superman?! This plant could already have dropped spores all over London! If that's the case, it's all over! I don't think Swamp Thing is going to be your little bitch boy every time these plants get out of control. Not that I don't think Wonder Woman isn't responsible enough to care for it! But she shouldn't have to be responsible! Just give her a gift card to Torrent!

So what was the metamorphic flower a metaphor for? Wonder Woman's angry love making? Superman's inability to give decent gifts? Wonder Woman's insatiable desire for lubricant? Superman's Kryptonian need to feed off of Earth's culture at the expense of Earth itself?! The flower was the metaphor, right? And aren't flowers always metaphors for vaginas?! This one even looked like a vagina! And it was angry! And it wanted oil! OH! So it is about Wonder Woman's need for lubricant to combat the generous amount of friction Superman is capable of making during the hokey poke-it!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #12 Rating: No change. This was a fitting last issue for Charles Soule. Unless it wasn't his last issue. But I think it was his last issue. Stupid Marvel offering him buttloads of cash to only write for them. At least I'll still have She-Hulk!

Justice League United #5

What use are gloves like those?!

Now that Judas has moved from my comic book boxes to a hole in the backyard, I was finally able to put away about six months worth of comic books! I had to buy two new short boxes and I still didn't have enough room to organize all of the comic books I've purchased since The New 52 began. I believe I've filled nearly ten short boxes, not accounting for the extra space I've left in the six boxes that currently contain the continuing titles. My Marvel comics are in a pile waiting for a new box as are all the comic books I've purchased that aren't part of the New 52 and all of the Futures End September One Shots. That's a lot of shitty reading I've had to endure!

Oh, okay! I'll admit that it wasn't all shitty reading! Mostly because I don't want all the New 52 haters to think I'm on their side. As if DC had been shitting gold and frankincense before The New 52 and everything was all newborn messiahs and salvation! Although I do think DC has lost sight of what will truly keep their comic books fresh and interesting: the writers. They seem to not mind keeping shitty writers on staff while letting some of the best writers go sign up exclusively with Marvel. I bet Marvel has less editorial interference! That's probably why they have to constantly explain continuity issues with clones. Although is it better to have a universe riddled with clones or to have a universe that keeps exploding into a brand new universe? That's a philosophical question that isn't meant to have an answer! Like why are nice guys never actually nice, or why are men that think they're smarter than women always angry, virgin monsters that nobody can stand to listen to? And why won't women give them a chance?

I don't have any more unanswerable questions because those two probably already got me in enough trouble with my reading base as it is. How are things going, nice guys? You guys sure are nice!

I bet I actually have more female readers than male readers because, truth of the matter (my truth, anyway!), I don't think I've clearly stated my position on hating women in a way that loathsome male comic book fans can understand. Probably because I don't hate women but I don't want them to know that I don't hate women because then I'd lose a bunch of readers! And I'll say anything not to lose readers!

If anything I said previously makes you want to stop reading, I'm sorry I said it and I totally didn't mean it and I actually meant the complete opposite!

Look at that thigh gap on Stargirl!

This whole thigh gap thing is so out of control. I have a feeling that the thigh gap is going to be something so cherished and expected by Millennials that they're going to create devices that will deform and mutilate their daughters as they grow to force a thigh gap on them. Like binding feet in China! Hmm. If it's something that's probably going to happen anyway, maybe I should invent the device! And sell it to Suzanne Somers to sell during syndicated television programs! "The Thighgapper! Don't mind the screams of your dearest child! That only indicates she's going to be hot!"

It looks like Justice League United has their first mission! Destroy the Canadian Wampa: the White Dago! Those First Nations people are racist!

Also Justice League United has their second mission: locate Hawkman's corpse! For some reason, Hawkman and Green Arrow are still using their JLA Beepers and Green Arrow has received a warning that Hawkman's corpse is in trouble. For some reason, Justice League America was still using beeper technology.

Martian Manhunter splits the team into two groups. Green Arrow, Animal Man, Stargirl, and Supergirl will go into space to find Hawkman's corpse because you always want the people that love to bicker with each other on the same team. In Canada, Alanna Strange, Mii, and Heather will hunt the Whitago. Martian Manhunter is stuck babysitting Ace Ultra. Unless he's going to help with the Yeti (which he probably should since I don't think Heather is really going to be much help unless they need photos of the encounter to put up on the Justice League United Instagram account).

I smell an 80s sitcom in the works! No, seriously though. Why did 80s sitcoms smell so bad?

Miiyahbin goes off to ask her Grandmother about this whole Keewhatin/Whitago business. Her grandmother pretends to tell her the truth but actually just tells her the plot to Star Wars.

Well, I guess it's time to strike down your father in anger!

Mii goes off to confront her father-monster to save Canada! Since it's winter, she has ice powers. I guess in spring she has flower powers and in summer she has heat powers and in fall she has lazy Sunday powers.

Mii meets the Whitago and defeats it by not being scared. It changes back into her father and he's all, "Really? That's it? That was the power of darkness? Why the fuck did I cross over to the bad side?! I thought I was going to be filled with all consuming power?! Stupid lying dark side!" Then he dissipates and floats away to join his ghostly relatives and friends so they can stand around watching the Ewoks party.

Meanwhile, Martian Manhunter teaches one week old Ultra how to speak while babysitting him. That's some babysitter! But then, as usually happens in a story about babysitting but rarely ever happens in actual real babysitting, a man from the future crashes through the ceiling claiming that the baby has to die or one of an infinite amount of futures will be destroyed. Who fucking cares? What's so special about your future, Mon-el?! Get the fuck out and stop trying to wipe out infinity minus one futures by killing Ace Ultra! Selfish prick.

Justice League United #5 Rating: Goddammit! I thought the Legion of Super-heroes were wiped out of existence! No fair that they get to continue to exist in a possible future to come back in time to ensure that their possible future winds up existing! How about billions of other sentient creatures suddenly appear to try to save their futures which Mon-el is going to wipe out?! How about that, Jeff Lemire?! Oh, I forgot to give a ranking because I was so upset! Um, how about -2 Rankings simply because of the stupid time travel story that's about to begin? Also, it might not be stupid but I'm just playing the odds!

Judas Soliloquy Velociraptor Iscarycat, alias Franklin Krenshaw. My best friend for nearly fifteen years. So long, buddy.

Batman #35

Fuck you, The Batman! Take your $4.99 and shove it up your Bat-ass! You fucking thief!

I wasn't really hungry yesterday but I figured I should probably go get a burrito from the local cheap Mexican take-out place because I'd probably get hungry during the wee hours of the morning and I didn't want to be stuck having to eat some stupid Munchie Meal from a clown puppet. The clerk that took my order asked me how my day was going, so I lied and told him it was okay. Then he asked if I was staying out of the rain and I smirked and said I was trying. Because when clerks are just trying to be polite and earn their minimum wage, they don't want to hear that your cat died and you got soaked while digging its fucking grave, do they?

Judas didn't exactly die. He was euthanized. He'd gotten a blood clot that broke loose and lodged in his left hind leg, causing it to swell and produce crazy amounts of pain. He was at the point where he was dragging his hindquarters around while screaming and hissing. He was okay when he was lying down but I think he was a bit tired of pissing all over himself. I knew Tuesday night that he'd had enough. He just kept looking at me as if to say, "Fix it, you stupid monkey." But I couldn't fix it. I would have traded years off of my life to fix it. But we don't get magic and wishes, do we? Stupid world. So we, the Non-Certified Spouse and I, took him to the vet where he got fucked up on opium and finally felt safe and content and free from his pain.

This picture is only fourteen years old even though it's a Polaroid and Judas is on a turntable.

Judas was really good with car rides for many years. But then he was in a car accident on the way home from the vet with the Non-Certified Spouse (another occasion, one of about half a dozen, where he was on death's door) and he never took to riding in the car or visiting the vet ever again. But yesterday, he was calm and serene and his old, curious self. He was relaxed and watching the cars and the scenery go by. After getting doped, he lay his head on the edge of the bottom half of the carrier and just drooled. After he had the stint put in his arm (where the euthanasia drugs would finally be administered), he lay on his side with his head in my hand as I scratched his ear. He drooled, and pushed against my hand, and tried to purr but he only produced a slight rumble. And he was kneading bread dough. You know, making biscuits? His big old front paws were just kneading the air like when he was a much younger man. He hadn't done that for years. But now, he was safe, and he was comfortable, and he was content. It was a good death. And then I took him home (even though I wasn't supposed to because he was now filled with poison!) and I buried him in the backyard under an angel statue from my Grandmother, and a peace sign made from concrete and bottle caps from an ex-neighbor, and a giant, colorful fish statue, and a faceless human head. It's a nice, cozy place. And he was buried in a Sailor Moon box my mother made for me along with a tiny alien head necklace I used to wear, which he would constantly chew on, and a handful of sticky toys, which he loved more than anything. Although I think he probably loved opium more, there at the end.

I can't remember the last time I cried as hard or as much as this. He was my best friend for almost fifteen years. We'd tamed each other. He was my familiar. Or I was his. Sometimes it's hard to say. I love you, Jupelo. Go tear ass over the rainbow bridge, buddy.

One last thing! I used to call him Jupelo (as well as about twenty thousand other nicknames. His alias was Franklin Krenshaw). But yesterday, the Non-Certified Spouse reminded me that I used to sing it to the Nick Cave song, "Tupelo." I'd sing, "Jupelo! Big black cat comin' down! Big black cat comin' down! Jupelo!"

This issue of Batman begins with the residents of Gotham, once again, getting fucked up.

Stop saying "literally," people. It doesn't add anything. Unless you're describing something that people would take as a metaphor if you just left it on it's own, it's not needed! It's not making your story any more exciting and it only makes it sound like you're usually lying if you have to add "literally" or "honestly" to every stupid Goddamn mundane sentence you utter.

The gas that everybody flees in terror from is just harmless gas. I don't know what gas is harmless because I only took Chemistry in 11th Grade from a new teacher from Australia named Ms. Quayle. She really tried to teach the class as if we were responsible college students and thus everybody cheated ruthlessly. Not me, of course! I was too smart to need to cheat! Although I guess allowing the seniors who sat near me to copy my answers was cheating as well. But I didn't want them to think I was uncool! I wanted them to think, "That Tess! Boy, is he a great guy or what? We should probably invite him to one of our gigantic senior kegger parties where everybody fucks everybody and we all do tons of blow and play Russian Roulette!" But they never did invite me to their orgies. They never even talked to me in the halls. They just sat in class going, "Psst! Psst! Tess! Tess! What did you get for all of the answers?!" And I would pretend I didn't hear them and hunch over my test so they couldn't see the answers. Oh yeah! I didn't let them cheat off me! That's why I never got the invites to their orgies!

The gas was Bat-gas (which is harmless but smell's of waffles) and it was released simply to clear downtown Gotham so that Batman could battle with some unseen enemy. Also so he can probably break lots and lots of windows for Wayne Window Repair to come through and rake in the cash later.

Also, the events in this issue take place after Batman Eternal. So Batman lives?! I guess I can stop reading that! I guess the $4.99 cover price was worth it in the long run! It's going to save me $2.99 per week for months!

Alfred lives as well! And Julia! And a new Bat-base! But who's the owl?! I guess I have to keep reading Batman Eternal just to find out about the owl! Also, I said, "Who's the owl?" Get it?!

Oh. I guess I don't have to keep reading Batman Eternal! Because the owl is just part of the tawdry decorations from the previous owners, an obscure group called The Court of Owls. After Alfred and Bruce share a laugh the way they always do, Wonder Woman crashes through the window and smashes Bruce's face into the floor. You know, the way she always does. I didn't know one of her super powers was being able to see through the wrong side of one-way glass! I guess she probably heard Bruce laughing. Although I don't know how she would have recognized that sound.

It turns out the person Batman is fighting when the issue begins is Wonder Woman. I guess that's why he needed his battle armor. She wants to kill him for some reason. I say "for some reason" because I don't know which of the dozens of reasons to kill Bruce she's acting on.

Wonder Woman isn't the only member of the Justice League trying to kill Batman. The Flash tries to run Batman down too. Sorry but you have to mention "running" in some way whenever you talk about The Flash. I suppose Lex Luthor must have drugged their potato salad because why else would the Justice League attack Batman? They know they can't defeat him!

Batman defeats Aquaman with gum. I think tangling him in the plastic rings of a six-pack would have been more fitting.

Next, Superman arrives and punches Batman into next issue. But first, he smiles and laughs which means only one person can be behind this: umm, wait. What was his name? You know the guy! The Kidder? Enh, whatever. It's that guy! The jerko or something!

The cover price means that James Tynion IV wrote a back-up story that I now need to read. It takes place near Arkham Manor which is a new comic book that came out this week which I won't be reading for a few weeks now at the rate I'm falling behind. I guess it's a consequence of Batman Eternal as well and possibly the reason Bruce and Alfred have fled the Batcave to live in the Owl Townhouse. The story is called "The Pale Man" so it must be about Dream of The Endless.

It's about five escaped Arkham inmates that have five different stories that The Joker supposedly told them. And they need to tell the stories to Doctor Zaheer. But only one story is true and the other stories are not! And the stories that aren't true will kill the people that tell them! Or something. I'm sure it will all become clear in about sixteen months.

Batman #35 Rating: +1 Ranking. I liked it even though good guys battled other good guys! And the back-up story was nice and creepy and confusing too! And confusing must mean that it's intellectual, right? So I have to like it or people might think I'm a dumby! Boy, it was super good and I totally understood it and everything!