Red Lanterns #34

If only one Red Lantern will survive, I hope it's Dex-Starr.

I don't think I was very successful in my attempt at brevity while doing my Harley Quinn #10 commentary. I'll just have to redouble my efforts with Red Lanterns #34! Or halve my efforts? Whichever one is briefier!

Last issue (which was the Annual because DC heard the fans resounding yell of "More Essential Annuals!" and made it happen. Unless they just hallucinated the fans yelling that which seems more probable actually), a whole mess of Earthlings became Red Lanterns and joined Atrocitus's army. Now Guy Gardner (with the help of Supergirl and a handful of his own Reds) must stop them without killing anybody. I don't think that's going to be possible. He might as well just start out killing for the greater good.

Guy plans on making a last stand on Ysmault while Rankorr, Skallox, and The Shadow Thief (now a Red Lantern as well) hide out on Styge Prime. Is Atrocitus really needed as a main character in Red Lanterns? I mean, I understand he's the whole reason the Red Lanterns exist. But now the team has Guy Gardner! I think it's time for Atrocitus to just lay down and die and let Dex-Starr eat him. Then Dex can kind of hang around Ysmault accepting handouts but not really wanting anybody to touch or look at him too much. Until after a few months of this kind of hard to get lifestyle, he'll eventually allow Bleez or Guy to give him a little scratch behind the ears. But after a few seconds, he'll hiss and run off. It'll take another few months before he begins rubbing on legs and enjoying the company of the other Reds. And then I never have to read another story with that whining, pseudo-philosophical asshole Atrocitus!

Now if this were a Hollywood movie, they'd realize that their irritation of the other's personality was actually love, somehow. Then they'd fuck.

I think that's the plot of all Hollywood romances. Two people are irritated by each other. The two people are too lazy to find somebody that they actually get along with and like. The two people fuck. The two people spend the rest of the movie pretending that they're going to spend the rest of their lives together. The movie ends before either one can come to their senses, leaving the audience believing in true love! Also in the belief that if somebody doesn't like you, you have to just keep bothering them until they finally get naked with you.

Guy Gardner truly thinks Atrocitus is going to slaughter him and Bleez so he gives his last words to John Stewart. His last words are all about making Hal Jordan feel better. I hope you're happy, Hal Jordan! Everything always has to be all about you, doesn't it? Guy should have said, with a smirk, that Hal is to blame for Guy's upcoming death. Let Hal choke on that one for awhile.

Rankorr, Skallox, and Shadow Thief arrive just in time to stop Guy and Bleez from being overwhelmed. If Atrocitus was just about to slaughter two Red Lanterns, why would three Red Lanterns be able to rescue the other two?

Whoops. Make that two Red Lanterns to rescue the other two.

So now Skallox and Zilius Zox are dead. I'm sensing a pattern! Good thing Guy's last name isn't Gardnerox.

Yeah! No fair! He's not Dex-Starrox!

I'm sure Dex-Starr is going to be all right. Charles Soule can't kill a cat. Although he is a lawyer and I've heard lawyers have no souls or hearts or feelings or emotions or anything. I've never met a lawyer in my life so I don't know if there is any truth to the rumors. But I do tend to believe things that I want to believe, so that's really all the veracity I need.

Judge Red, who was probably a lawyer before becoming a Judge, has finally reached a verdict concerning Guy Gardner. I guess this was one of those non-jury trials that are probably decided by back room cash hand outs. Luckily, Guy is judged not guilty. But Judge Red judges herself as guilty and explodes. Fucking lunatic. She also takes all the humans with her. Not to the Realm of the Dead! To the Realm of the Probably Comatose and, Quite Possibly, Worse. Guy gathers them all up so he can figure out a way to get the rings off of them without killing him. I suppose he either has to stick them in the sun or convince Saint Walker to come out of retirement.

And then Guy Gardner battles Atrocitus. Not like a normal comic book where two characters punch each other until the one that punches the best wins. No, Guy battles Atrocitus in a Charles Souleian manner.

What kind of comic books did Charles Soule read that he now thinks this kind of confrontation is acceptable?! Where are all the punches?!

Look. I've read a lot of comic books in my time. I've read a lot of Guy Gardner comic books in my time as well. And there's always been something about Guy that I really love, especially when a writer gets it right and doesn't just portray him as an egotistical asshole that has to be in charge. Charles Soule gets Guy. He gets that Guy wants to do good. He gets that Guy needs approval and it hurts deeply when he doesn't get it. Guy wants to be recognized. That's why the Guardians knew they could manipulate him by promoting him to, what was it, Captain of the Everything or something. Anyway, Guy wants to be the best person he can be but he's got some anger issues that he's never been able to deal with very well. And now when Guy gives up the Red Ring, he's doing it because he knows the ring will choose him again. And seeing the ring choose him again, seeing ten rings choose him because of the anger he has, at the world, at his father, at himself...that fucking hurts to read.

This motherfucker is in some serious emotional pain.

Earlier I made that facetious comment about Guy's last words when I said they were all about Hal. The part of that I liked which I didn't mention because it didn't fit in with my rant about Hal being a jerko was when Guy admitted that he probably wasn't the best Green Lantern simply because he needed to be recognized as the best so badly. Everybody in the DC Universe has daddy issues but I like to see them manifest in intelligent and realistic ways. Like a guy needing his father's love so badly that he becomes the leader of an angry alien police force to prove to some other guy leading another cosmic police force that he can do the job too. It doesn't get more realistic than that.

Anygarden, Guy removes the Red Rings from all the Earthlings and Atrocitus and Dex-Starr and Atrocitus's Reds without anybody dying. He uses the rings to restore the Red Lantern Battery and the Blood Ocean. And then he gives the Red Lantern Corps to Rankorr. As for Guy, he returns to Earth wearing the Red Ring on a chain around his neck. Is it time to be Warrior again?!

Red Lanterns #34 Rating: +2 Ranking. Well, Mogo is getting more prisoners! I wonder if Mogo has any ethical issues with becoming a prison planet for the Green Lanterns. I don't really know what direction this book is going to go after all this. Will it follow Guy Gardner a bit on Earth? Or is it going to become a romance with Rankorr and Bleez honeymooning all over the place while they vomit lava on bad guys' faces? And what's going to become of Shadow Thief?! Or is it Shadow-Thief? Once she takes a dip in the Blood Ocean, she's really going to hate what she's become. But most of all, what is going to happen to Dex-Starr now that he's free of the Red Ring? I hope he becomes Mogo's best friend. Maybe Dex and Mogo will tame each other!

Harley Quinn #10

Hooray for Slut Club! Oops, my mistake. Let me start over. Hooray for Skat Club! Chiggity chiggity chiggity wah bop la wop a bop a la la bow wow! Bop a diddly diddly bam pow crash smash an' punch an' kick a woo woo! Oops! Unless this is Poop Club. Gross! Probably.

Time for a day of Marathon Comic Book Commenting! I still have a buttload (or shitload (don't you hove how "boat" and "ship" can turn into such fun words!)) of comic books to read before I get to the Futures End stack. And I really want to get to the Futures End stack, no matter how poorly written all of the comic books in that stack might be. But I'll never get through all the other books without learning a little something about brevity! I wish I was as wise as all the people who point out that brevity is next to Godliness. Instead, I take the long road with Satan. But no more! Back, vile three pronged Dick! Get thee away from my anal sphincter, thou charming, sexually fulfilling beast! Away with thee! Or thy! Or thine! Or zounds!

One of Harley's tenants moves out on page one! That means another super villain can move in, right? Maybe a really cute one like Plasmus or Monsieur Mallah! Now I'm wondering what Plasmus's dick looks like and what comes out of it. I think I'm going to vomit.

But that bit about the new roommate will have to wait until the end of the issue when somebody answers Tony Danzig's craigslist ad. The one for the room! Not the one for the Human Soft Serve Ice Cream Machine. The main story is the one where Harley Quinn has joined an underground Roller Derby Club where anything goes. Oh! SkatE! Club! My mistake!

This is Harley getting excited about Club Sanctioned Murder.

I'm also excited about Club Sanctioned Murder! I wonder if the local Commodore 64 Club will institute some free for all violence during the programming part of the club meeting.

Shouldn't some of the people at Skate Club recognize Harley Quinn for the murdering psychopath she is and, you know, question whether she should really be allowed to partake in Skate Club? I know there are no rules but I have to believe most of the people clubbing with skates aren't looking to be violently murdered in an overly cartoonish way. I don't know, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's an extrovert thing. They like to take risks and feel the hot, steamy breath of death as he jerks off all over their back, right? And grilling. They really like grilling, right?

Judging by the weapons in the middle of Skate Club's track, I was totes wrong about the not wanting to be violently murdered part, you guys. Oh, sorry. I'm still fighting off the last vestiges of my Tumbl Virus.

Holy Christ in a rest stop men's bathroom!

I figure Christ is more likely to hang out there than on a cracker. Why would Christ be hanging out on a cracker? Unless the cracker is currently Christ. But then it's not a cracker! It's Christ! Christ on a Christ!

The first match is between Connie Canal and Sky Scrapper. Connie Canal loses because he is skating down the hall when his balls hit the wall. That's called rupture. Oh yeah, Connie Canal has balls. I guess.

Testicles are the worst.

Harley Quinn skates in the second match and her friends advise her to go for the kill. So I guess this is a Murder Club. I suppose it's not so much that any of the members want to be violently murdered but that they want to do the violent murdering. I don't think the risk is worth it. Hell, I don't think the risk of shitting in a public toilet is worth it. Even with proper preparation, you can get that bidetesque splash back! It's like being sexually assaulted by a toilet.

What year did it become acceptable to say "fart" in a comic book? Has Comic Book Legends Revealed on Comic Book Resources ever answered that question?

Harley gets knocked loopy by her gigantic challenger which instigates a cut scene starring a Barglefartian Sitcom family. Lots of jokes about how husbands are like little boys and wives are fascist shrews are made and the laugh track finds them all hilarious, especially when the one asexual guy says, "Barfzongers!" Then their son, The Fist, punches the neighbor through space and off into Issue #11. Then the scene ends and it's back to Harley about to get violently murdered.

Harley does not get murdered but she does lose the match. So to win the match after losing, she blows her opponent in half with exploding toothpaste sensually rubbed into the upper pubic area, or, um, stomach, actually. So not as sensually as I wanted it to be. Apparently there are no rules during the match but once the match is over, there are a few rules about not killing people. Although there aren't really any repercussions for breaking those rules aside from disqualification. Everybody at Skate Club just takes it in stride that a woman was just blown into two parts and her entrails sprayed all over them like the front row of a show by that guy where he does that thing with the this and the that. You know what I'm talking about!

After all the murdering and body disposal, Harley and her Roller Derby buddies go skinny dipping in the ocean at night. Nothing creepier than being in the ocean at night! Also, nothing colder! But then, I grew up in the waters off Santa Cruz and holy fuck is the Pacific Ocean cold. I've never been in the Atlantic though. I've been over it in a plane! But I couldn't tell how warm it was from that height. I hear it's warm though. Or warmer, anyway. I think the Pacific is full of ice cubes.

The "gonna need a bigger boat" line is overused but this use of it was adorable. Although Harley does know that "boat" becomes "butt" really easily, right?

What's so great about swimming with bow legged women?

And then Power Girl crashes into the boardwalk. I thought she was on Earth-2 now! Maybe this is Earth-2 Harlequin I've been reading! She probably rebounded with The Joker after Alan Scott broke the gay news to her.

Harley Quinn #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Fun and cute and violent and nice to look at. Plus there was butt biting and cheese farts. You don't get that combination often in comic books. Also, you don't get either one of those without the other one often in comic books.

Justice League Dark #34

Ain't no party like a Pantheon party!

I wish I were dumber than I am. I'm not even claiming to be particularly intelligent! I just want to be dumber! Because if I were dumber, I wouldn't be annoyed every time I see a commercial for a television show that I can't even type the name of correctly because it's filled with symbols that HTML will interpret incorrectly and I'd have to type something else to get the symbols to show but I can't even type that to show you what I mean because then you'll just get the symbol that's used in the title of the show, but I think you'll recognize the show if I use shorthand and just call it Scorpion. That show is about a group of "geniuses" that the government coerces into working for them because the "geniuses" are obviously idiots. In one clip of the show, a guy brags about his IQ being higher than Einstein's, as if it mattered or was somewhat impressive. Who the fuck cares what your IQ is, asshole. If you want to be better than Einstein, do something with your fucking smarts so that people will begin to use your name sarcastically when they refer to some dumb idiot.

The problem with writing a show about geniuses is that the writers aren't geniuses. So they can only project their inferior, stupid, moronic selves onto the genius to have the genius act how they, stupid peasants that they are, think geniuses would act. I have a feeling that the geniuses are going to learn a little something about life and common sense by hanging around with some good old regular folk, right? You know why? Because regular folk can only stand the idea that people much smarter than they are exist by believing that geniuses have no common sense, or that geniuses lack street smarts, or that geniuses cannot interact properly with other people. I'm getting an ulcer just thinking about how shitty this show is going to portray geniuses! I bet Agent John Doggett teaches them a little something about what it is to be human!

Now I might have to watch the show to gain more fodder for bellyaching in future commentaries.

Pantheon is gross.

Do I even need to comment on a comic book where nothing really happens? Because nothing has really been happening in Justice League Dark lately. I guess they kind of made Nightmare Nurse kind or something last story arc. Who could tell because I liked her the way she was. And now they're doing something for Boston Brand. But will anything really change? What will be the outcome of Boston Brand's adventures in Nanda Parbat That Was? Will he learn to love his intangible self? And will he get to bone the Nightmare Nurse?

Blah blah blah, magic is dangerous.

I've had it up to my bunny rabbit with magic being dangerous in the DC Universe. Why does anybody practice it if every spell is so dangerous? Every time somebody casts a spell in this comic book, two or three other people point out how fucking dangerous the spell they just cast was. Yet the spells keep on working and nobody has really paid much of a price for casting any of them. Can't somebody just be a happy go lucky magician?

Boston, unaware his teammates are bound nearby, meets up with his blue friend, Brahma Dass. Also, Boston is human again. If I were Boston, I'd remove the Deadman outfit so, if I were to die again, I wouldn't be stuck in that stupid getup. Even if it meant I was naked for the rest of eternity, it would be less humiliating. Unless being dead is really, really cold. Then I'd have to explain my teeny, tiny wiener to everybody I met every time I saw their eyes check me out downstairs. "The afterlife is freezing balls!"

Brahma Dass reminds Boston how he used to kidnap Boston when he was a child.

Back in the desert, Swamp Thing breaks everyone free by becoming a majestic dragon worm plant. Then he speaks with the dirt and learns the history of Nanda Parbat and Pantheon. It's a story of love and betrayal where Nanda Parbat loved Pantheon but then found a new love and forgot all about Pantheon. But Pantheon never forgot about Nanda Parbat. After Forever Evil: Blight, Pantheon awoke from a long, deep sleep and became determined to regain its love.

Meanwhile Deadman, for the second time since the Reboot, loses another body. He's too careless to have a body of his own. Anyway, he meets back up with Justice League Dark and now the story can end already! Let's just assume they kick Pantheon's ass, save Nanda Parbat, and return home. Maybe Nanda Parbat follows them back and begins a sexual relationship with the House of Mystery.

Can you die from sappiness?

Justice League Dark #34 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic has been mediocre and boring for a long time now. My favorite characters in the DC Universe have always been the magicians and now J.M. DeMatteis is making me not care for them at all. I don't even hate them because DeMatteis isn't giving me anything to hate! I might as well have cleaned up the house a bit instead of reading this comic book. It would have been just as interesting and at least I would have felt like I accomplished something. Is it possible that reading a comic book increases the plaque build up on your teeth?

The Flash #34

Do they all look vaguely the same because the Mashup Gang is Mob Rule or because they've been drawn by Brett Booth?

No time! No time! It's going to be five years in the future in a little over an hour! I have to speed up my commentaries!

Barry Allen, not being a detective, has a theory about the Mashup Killer and he's ready to solve the case he's not on! Detective Seborn of the Central City Police Department is most definitely, or at least highly probably, or very close to almost likely, the Mashup Killer! And Barry Allen has the evidence to make people say, "I don't know...."

Looking at the cover, all the Mashup Gang members also have gloves! And wouldn't a fucking detective know better than to make a rookie mistake like leaving fingerprints and semen all over the crime scene?

No way can Detective Seborn be the Mashup Killer. Barry, you are not the World's Greatest Detective. You are the worst greatest detective.

My apologies, The Flash! Looks like I was wrong on two counts. Seborn is the Mashup Killer and he does leave semen all over the crime scenes.

The Flash is supposed to be fast but he still manages to get hit by Detective Seborn's Cum Gun. It's not like that sticky ooze moves faster than the speed of light. Run around it, you Scarlet Stupidhead. I think he wanted to get drenched in it.

Seborn says, "You made me threaten Parker. This is all your damned fault." The Flash does not apprehend him before he finishes saying "You." If you are going to have a hero that is the fastest man in the world, please write him as if he is the fastest man in the world and not a doddering elderly porn star. Instead of catching Seborn, The Flash splashes around in the jizz and has a conversation with him. I'm going to chalk up the length of this fight to The Flash needing to save Seborn's partner from guzzling too much cum. But now that he's safe, this fight had better be over by the next page.

Seborn explains why he left his fingerprints at the scene of the crimes. It was because it was the end of the world during Forever Evil and he wasn't worried about the police catching him. So, and I'm just trying to get this straight and not at all saying anything like Venditti and Jensen are getting lazy, after Lex Luthor saved the world, the Central City police department began investigating every single crime that occurred during Forever Evil? Central City was practically destroyed and taken over by talking gorillas! Buildings were knocked down everywhere! Fires! Floods! Wholesale destruction on every block! But they meticulously dusted for fingerprints at all these locations? Seems a bit ridiculous for people not The Batman.

And let's say the fingerprints were found at the sites of the people murdered by The Mashup Killer after things were back to normal. At that point, Seborn would have known better than to leave fingerprints because his main purpose in killing his ex-crime buddies was so that they couldn't finger him (hee hee). I just don't buy it! Although after seeing the way Seborn is spraying his jizz all over the place, I will admit that he probably left some traces of DNA everywhere he went. And finding puddles of cum isn't as difficult as finding fingerprints! So I could see the Central City police investigating it and taking samples from the puddles and making smoothies for lunch. Um, after the investigation. Not with the DNA.

Ah ha ha ha ha! Get it? He said "run"!

I think The Flash needs to stop slowing down so he can have conversations with the bad guys. Just run in, scoop them up, and deposit them in jail before they even know anything was happening. Every issue of The Flash should be three pages long. First page, Barry finds out about some bad guy. Second page, a big red blur. Third page, The Flash gloating at the bad guy behind bars as he eats from a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

The Flash is rescued by Seborn's partner who was angry that Seborn turned into a big jerko.

Ah ha ha ha ha! Get it? He said "running"! And he mentioned time!

So far, Future Flash has yet to make an appearance. Maybe that's because he needs to just appear at the end to set up the Futures End issue.

As the police clean up the crime scene, Barry and Patty clean up their relationship problems. One of the problems is that there is more DNA at the crime scene than in their relationship. Patty wants Barry to stop dating Wally West and spend more time with her. Barry agrees but first he has to see Wally one last time. Probably to break it off gently with him.

Barry takes Wally on a field trip to Iron Heights Prison to visit Daniel West, the Reverse-Flash. Wally calls Iris and Daniel Aunt and Uncle. But they didn't have any other siblings, did they? I'm confused! Who is this kid?!

Can the Speed Force be passed on to another person? Through glass even?

I guess doing the family name proud is man's work. Fuck Iris and her achievements. Although she is just a local news reporter, so, yeah, get to it, Wally.

Meanwhile Future Flash is running backwards in time saying, "Have to keep running...can't be late." How can you be late to time travel? I think too many sudden starts and stops has irreparably bruised your brain, Flash. Unless time in this comic book is like time in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. The first one, not the second one where they fuck it all up. Although, in the first one, why does Ted remember stealing his father's keys when it was Future Ted who stole them later? And did that break the rule of the clock in San Dimas always running? It's hard to say! It's fucking time travel!

Future Flash winds up five years in the future choking the crap out of Reverse Flash. He's come all this way to save Wally and then kill himself. And I guess that will finally happen in Futures End. After that, well, I have no idea where this comic book is going to go. The Flash can't keep living with the missing time he keeps experiencing or else he'll wind up as the angry blue Future Flash full of regrets. So he needs to fix the problem and erase all of this future nonsense so he can get back to ignoring Patty.

The Flash #34 Rating: No change. Funny how DC Comics began The New 52 by outlawing time travel because it just makes too much of a mess with continuity. But then they allowed DeFalco and Lobdell to base every single one of their stories on time travelers from alternate timelines because, I guess, Flashpoint hadn't occurred for the other timelines? But alternate timelines are alternate Earths, so that makes a fucking mess of the whole "52 Earths" paradigm. I guess after letting those guys completely fuck up everything, DC decided to just go whole hog and go to time travel hell already. So now we get Futures End which will somehow affect the heroes of the present, I guess? Maybe? No? It'll all just be nonsense and not matter at all? Yeah, that's probably what will happen.

Catwoman #34

You know what would be more exciting than Catwoman? Supercatwoman!

Yet Another List of Ann Nocenti’s Bullshit

1. The initial scene takes place in "Gotham City" where a remote control Gargoyle is smelling things. The scene that follows takes place "Elsewhere at Alice Tesla's Workshop." That means her work is not located in Gotham City! I'm good at word problems when they don't involve math!

2. The mechanical gargoyle is breaking into Catwoman's penthouse. Alice doesn't notice the break-in on the security camera because she's busy scoring orbs to forge fragoon feathers. I bet the virtual reality world Alice Tesla is currently playing games in (you know, where they forge fragoon feathers) plays a vital role in the upcoming Klarion the Witch Boy series!

3. Catwoman believes that any thought by any other person that differs from her own way of thinking is aberrant.

4. Alice Tesla mentions that Catwoman won the best thief trophy. When did that happen? I don't remember any kind of closing ceremonies? Did Catwoman steal the trophy because at least that makes sense! That was probably the contest the entire time. The best thief would just steal it. Just like Willy Wonka's rigged game where the actual contest was to find out which child would not engage in corporate espionage!

5. Catwoman's new safe house is going to be an old murder museum because Ann Nocenti must have been reading Harley Quinn and was suddenly inspired.

6. Catwoman continues to judge Alice Tesla for being an introvert and a technophile. Why is it that extroverts and nature lovers truly believe that they're living life more fully than those that would rather curl up with a book and their own company, and those who prefer modern conveniences over marveling at the grandeur of nature. Fuck nature! What has nature ever done for me?! I mean personally!

7. Alice Tesla is no better. As soon as she steps outside, it's whine, bitch, moan, cri, hate, hate, hate. Her main problems with being outside? Mosquitoes, flies, squirrels, pollen, bees, grass. So a bunch of things she won't have to worry about running into in Gotham City. Okay, maybe the flies. It's not like inside is any better! Inside has flies and gnats and dust and spiders and shag carpeting. Shag carpeting tickles the feet too, Alice Tesla!

8. Why is being into murderers and the macabre some kind of proof of your alterna-hipness? My mom loves serial killers and she's as unhip as you can get! For her birthday one year, I bought her the complete set of serial killer trading cards. I purchased the set at R and K Comics on El Camino Real in Santa Clara! Although Brian's Books on Calabazas was my first local comic book shop that wasn't a convenience store comic book rack.

9. The building turns out to be a trap as metal shutters close on all the windows. They're in Jigsaw's hands now!

10. Ann Nocenti proves that she read up on online games and spills as much of the lingo as possible in three panels as Alice Tesla tells Catwoman that she's been gaslighted...by Alice herself! Maybe gaslighted isn't the right word since I have no idea what it actually means beyond the four or five definitions Ann Nocenti gave me last issue. So Ann Nocenti mentions questing and mobs and buffing and DDing and tanking and camping and spawning a bunch of the usual fantasy adventure types of loot and classes. It made me think, "Wow! Ann Nocenti has never played an online game in her life but she's definitely mined the wikipedia article about them!"

11. Tesla sets off a trap that seals her into a room with her fremesis, Cyberius! He's an Elvin Tech-Caster, of course! Which means he can summon monsters via 3-D printing technology merged with the best A.I. enhancements! He can make living monsters! Anyway, the trap doesn't seem like much of a trap. It's more of an excuse to separate Catwoman from Tesla.

12. Cyberius' monster is called Bullbot although it should be called Mechanical Gargoyle From Page One. Alice Tesla's monster is called Gearface because her imagination is terrible.

13. Oh really, Catwoman? Every time? Then why does paper beat rock? Dumb dumb!

14. Funny thing about back-ups though. You don't normally keep them with or on the same system as the originals. Also, nice bit of exposition on Catwoman's part to keep the cloud out of it. You don't want snarky nerds reading this and going, "SNORT! He probably hash all hish filesh uploaded to sheveral different sherversh acrosh the shtate."

15. Lateral lisps are not funny, Catwoman. How dare you manipulate me into a spot where I couldn't not make fun of them!

16. Catwoman arrives and guesses that Tesla's monster is called Gearface because she knows that Tesla's imagination is terrible.

17. Oh my God! Cyberius's distraction has been so, um, fascinating that I almost never forgot about his Bullbot raiding Catwoman's place!

18. Catwoman ruins the date and knocks out Cyberius with her Feral Cat Punch. I just made that up. You can have it, Ann, if you want. Oh wait. You won't be needing it anymore. Maybe Teekl can use it!

19. Ann Nocenti has Catwoman mention a "fear of flying" again. So what Selina is really asking Tesla is if she's afraid of her own sexuality and dating and perhaps that's why she hides behind the computer monitor instead of heading out of the house and meeting real people and getting her feet tickled.

20. After the fear of flying comment, Catwoman continues to speak in metaphor when she asks Alice, "Why is your workshop signal red?" Oh yeah. Boom chikka boom, amirite?

21. After Cyberius stole Tesla's data, she stole Cyberius's data while he was stealing her data. But then she stole her data back but not before he used her data to make more data. Or something. I think they both win!

22. See you in Klarion the Witch Boy, Cyberius!

Catwoman #34 Ranking: No change. All of Ann Nocenti's stories have basically become the same story. Bad guy plots against the good guy. Bad guy looks to get the better of the good guy. Good guy had a plan to beat the bad guy at bad guy's own game all along. Good guy comes out triumphant! But wait! Bad guy still has a trick up bad guy's sleeve because bad guy wasn't actually bested at all! Look at how this ended. Alice points out she stole all of Cyberius's data and wiped it so he had no access to it. And yet he still has an army of Bullbots and Gearfaces! Oh my God, Catwoman! I bet you were wrong! He was using cloud storage after all!

Superman #34

Shouldn't that be "Machinations of the Machinationist"?!

I have ten more comics to read before all the Futures End stuff hits the stands! And then I still have to read three more non-Futures End comics that come out Wednesday before I can partake of DC's Annual Raise the Price of All the Comic Books September Extravaganza! So I don't have time to ramble about stupid bullshit, you guys!

Oh god! Kill me now, you guys! Eeek! I literally just said, "You guys!" Ack! I literally said "literally," you guys! Oof! I think have a Tumbl Virus!

But seriously you guys, let's read some Superman! It's totally important.

This issue begins with the man with the stick. It's literally some Ingmar Bergman Death guy, you guys! He's all important and stuff!

Only 50s kids will understand!

Death Stick Mystery Guy says something about Superman never giving up hope.

No, but seriously, guys, Superman never gives up hope! I know the guy just said that but I felt I needed to say it again as if I were the one passing along the information rather than the guy that said the information passing along the information. I just felt that literally nobody would have noticed what was being said if I didn't repeat it and say, "Seriously though." Because it's that important, you guys.

Ulysses parents are literally two feet tall, you guys. That's why Superman doesn't fit in the chair and has to sit on the arm like one of your sister's loser boyfriends. Amirite? She totes dates jerks.

I went to Starbucks this morning and got a trenta neoclassic dehydrated Zen Green Tea Shaken and they literally spelled my name correctly on the cup. Amazing!

Hey! You guys! Did you know that the loser "L on your forehead" thing wasn't created by Jim Carrey?! It was literally just a thing kids did in Canada to each other! It was the polite version of wedgies! The polite version of swirlies was literally just calling somebody a broomhead.

They were literally literally trying to find a better tomorrow, you guys!

Ulysses's parents are all "We're so sorry!" and "Can you forgive us?" and "Parenting! We're doing it wrong!" But Ulysses is just all "Squee! Ma and Pa are alive!" And Superman is all cri cri cri cri cri cri.

Ulysses tells his origin story and it is literally the same story as Superman's origin story. You guys, this is so important! Up until now, Superman has literally metaphorically been all alone on Earth. Nobody could truly understand what he went through. Nobody on Earth represented him and his struggles, so how could he not feel like a complete outsider? I know we all know we're all special in our individual ways! Like me, I'm a poly-fudge, saniflex, bluegrass/punk fusion, commingling ass muncher. Totes special and individualized and there's nobody like me at all. But I still need representation in pop culture! I need my Ulysses, you guys!

Superman is literally throwing Batman under the bus with all this extra paper work.

Ugh. I hope this Tumbl Virus wears off soon. Kill me now!

Superman totally makes a move on Ulysses' mom while Ulysses and his dad are out on the porch. He's all, "Smell my musk." And she's all, "Mmm! Nom nom nom!" And he's all, "I know you're married but I have no fucks to give." And she's all, "Do you like Sherlock?" And he's all, "Hells yeah! I literally watch it like all the time!" And she's all, blush blush blush blush. And then she's all, "You're literally part of the family now." And Superman is all, "Stop talking. Don't look at me! I'm super busting a super nut now!" Then Ulysses' mom is all, "Dead!"

Later, Superman and Ulysses become besties and head out to find the person responsible for the recent attacks on Metropolis. I've always liked buddy team-ups. They've been my favorites for like forever. That's why my favorite chapter of The Bible is the one where Cain and Abel float down the Mississippi and literally end racism. Also, Turner and Hooch was pretty squee-inducing.

Superman and Ulysses find the place where the robots were built and that's when it happens! The fight of the millentury! A robot tick sticks to Ulysses's head and makes him turn on his best friend forever! I guess he's got Robot Lyme Disease now. I hope Superman doesn't throw his teddy bear in the Sound!

Holy shit. Why am I referencing The Real World: Seattle?! I took some aspirin earlier and I think I'm starting to feel better. Or maybe I've just exhausted my knowledge of Tumblr and have run out of ideas. I suppose I could begin to act like a hard core social justice warrior that has way more youthful passion than they know what to do with it so their attacks are less laser focused and more scatter shot, taking out anybody that looks at the wrong word funny. Usually the wrong word is "rape" because that word literally isn't funny, you guys! I don't know if that was supposed to be funny or not. My head hurts.

Remember Grape Ape? I'm surprised he wasn't arrested and shamed into hiding because some people thought he was going around yelling, "Rape! Rape Ape!"

Superman knocks out Ulysses, squishes the Robot Tick, and meets the man behind the machinations.

The Machinationist!

Superman is quickly overwhelmed by The Machinationist's Mind Ticks but Ulysses saves Superman by committing attempted murder. Uh oh. Superman is going to have to have a bit of a talk with Ulysses. "This is important, youse guy," he'll probably say. "We don't kill, buddy. Also, why do you kill? Weren't you raised by pacifists? I think you should maybe be in the Phantom Zone now."

Superman literally only knows how to deal with problems one way: put it into the Phantom Zone. Just wait until he marries Lois and they have their first fight! Nice knowing you, Lois Lane!

Sad trombone!

Superman #34 Rating: +5 Ranking. This is literally the best Superman comic of The New 52! And that's me speaking with my Tumbl Virus cleared up! Now, it's not the best "Superman in a comic book" comic book because I'm not quite ready to declare this story better than Grant Morrison's run on Action Comics, convoluted as it was. But no better story has been published in the pages of Superman's self-titled comic book since The New 52 began. This shit is bananas! Hmm, maybe I should lie down, you guys.

Sinestro #5

Parallax is simply the physical manifestation of DC's mistake of having made Hal Jordan evil.

Whenever a new season of Parenthood drops on Netflix, I wind up binge watching it because, sometimes, you just have to watch a show that you really shouldn't be watching. Here's how nearly every scene goes in Parenthood: one character stumbles on their scripted lines as the character they're speaking to blubbers and mutters and gasps and repeats words from the other character's lines in shock and astonishment. Then the other character speaks their scripted lines as the first character mutters and mumbles and emotes in reaction to the other character's reaction. Nearly every scene introduces a conflict because the basis of the show is how family can overcome anything, even all fifty thousand stupid, bullshit conflicts the characters have to deal with in each of the ten thousand mini-scenes set up in the first thirty five minutes of every episode. A lot of time is spent having Character A tell Character B how they should be seeing their lives while Character B looks contemplative and hurt. Character B then goes off to fuck up their life because of that seed of doubt put in them by Character A who has moved on to fuck up Character C's life with more doubt and insecurities. But I think the only reason I hang on and keep watching the show is because of Ray Romano's character. If anybody on any show has ever captured how I interact with other people, that's the character.

Speaking of Ray Romano, anybody remember his appearances on Dr. Katz? He fucking killed those episodes. His sitcom should have been fine tuned to his act instead of watered down for family television. But whatever. I guess masturbating on your twins isn't acceptable for family television. Also, I'm not sure he ever made any jokes about masturbating on his twins. Also, I think I just realized why no network has ever picked up any of my scripts for television shows.

Speaking of Ray Romano's character from Parenthood, he reminds me of Sinestro so I guess that means Sinestro reminds me of myself. He's coldly logical, a completely arrogant asshole, and has mastered fear! He also really, really hates Hal Jordan. And so do I! It's possible we hate Hal Jordan so much because he's the goody two-shoes frat guy reflection of our rebellious, anti-establishment selves. Hal Jordan believes in the system and authority. He may constantly butt heads with authority figures but he believes in the need for them to exist. Sinestro believes he is the authority figure and how dare anybody ever tell him how to do anything. That's so me! Although I can't stand Sinestro trying to be friends with Hal Jordan. It feels like some kind of betrayal.

Holy God's Shit, stop saying that! What does it even mean?!

Is Cullen Bunn trying to be profound? Did some eighth grade English teacher once tell him that profundity lie in contradiction? "Sometimes life is the most sweet when everything is sour." "Success can only be achieved through abject failure." "Bailing only leads to the big payoff." "To write one's deeds into the carcass of history, one must use invisible ink and an untranslatable language." "Love is merely hate turned back on itself." "How many of these stupid things can I make up before I stop making up stupid things. Or something."

Currently, Hal Jordan is not Sinestro's truest friend because Sinestro does not give him a bro-hug. Instead, Sinestro unleashes his Yellow Lanterns on Hal because Hal is acting all preachy again. Is this scene supposed to be tense? Should I be worried that Hal might be killed?

The main thing I learn from the battle is that I will never learn the names of all the Yellow Lanterns. Dez Trevius? Rigen Kale? Sinestro?

Um. Shit. I just realized that Sinestro means "without estrus" in Spanish. What the fuck, DC? That's kind of a weird name! No wonder Dex-Starr has no interest in being a member of the Sinestro Corps.

I suppose it was inevitable that Hal Jordan show up in this comic book since he's been wondering where Sinestro had gone. Now he's going to tell Sinestro what he can and can't do, and Sinestro is going to tell which objects and body parts Hal should shove up his ass. They'll probably yell at each other for a bit before Hal says something like, "Fine! Do whatever you want! But don't expect any help from the Green Lanterns!" And then the readers won't be filling up forums wondering why Hal Jordan isn't putting a stop to Sinestro's foolishness.

Here's the part where Hal tells Sinestro what he can and can't do.

Sinestro and Hal pull out their erect penises and knock them against each other for awhile while the Yellow Lanterns watch. It's basically the same battle they had each week on Challenge of the Superfriends except with less sports equipment and more penises. Hal is able to keep his penis erect for a long time even in the face of Sinestro's monstrous appendage.

It's a good thing Hal is without fear!

Hal Jordan's erection is no match for Sinestro's and he puts it back in his pants. Then comes the part where Sinestro lists all of the objects and body parts that Hal and the Green Lantern Corps can shove up their rectums.

And I guess this is the part where Hal says, "Fine!" He's just not as enthusiastic about it as I thought he'd be. Buck up, Hal! Size and monstrous appearance isn't everything!

Sinestro #5 Rating: No change. I suppose this confrontation had to take place. But did it have to be so boring?