Detective Comics Annual #3

How is there anybody left that isn't just plain fucking sick of Batman?!

Look! I'm so sick of Batman that I forgot to make an Arkham Asylum Advent Calendar joke in the caption for the cover! Fuck you, Batman! Stop taking all the jobs! Let some other heroes have annuals and monthly comic books and movie franchises!

Luckily Batman is in the middle of the Icarus case over in Detective Comics which means this annual should be a stand alone story! I know that goes against DC's "fine tradition of making annuals essential reading," but I think I can make due with that decision.

Also note: I will never let DC off the hook for saying that making annuals essential reading was a fine tradition. More like a fine method of highway robbery.

Dammit! It's tied into the Icarus story? Jerkos!

At least the story isn't numbered, so it's probably just a side tale about how awesome doing Icarus is. Also it seems to star Matches Malone. I wish it was completely a Matches Malone story but I already see Batman on the facing page.

I bet he orders his roast beef "with au jus."

I have a feeling the story wasn't exciting enough to just tell in a linear fashion which is why it's exploded all over the place. First its 6:45 and then it's 4:40 and then it's 6:10 and then it's 5:06! I'm seriously considering ripping out the pages and putting them in the correct order so I don't have to keep all these story elements straight!

Batman is on the hunt for some of The Wrath's company's weapons that were stolen by a crappy little Gotham street gang. But no matter how many bones he breaks or internal organs he bruises, not a single one of them will talk. But one of the neighborhood kids that isn't smart enough to keep his mouth shut has some information to pass along.

I think I trademarked "Batmanarang" at some point during one of my millions of commentaries!

Batman finds out where the guns are and he also finds out that little Aden here wanted the Batmanarang to kill his abusive father! That little shit is trying to frame the Jeezly Crow Batman! The little snitch!

Batman decides a Batmanarang is an inappropriate gift for a snitchy little ratfink bastard. Instead, he decides to kick Aden's father's ass for Aden. Holy shit! That's some gift! DC should offer that birthday package to kids. "Have Batman come to your party and kick the fuckall out of your shitty parent!" Best birthday ever!

Anyway, that's the consequences intended that Matches Malone mentions in that first panel I scanned. See, this Julian guy is Aden's dad. He's also working for The Squid and is in charge of the big deal with the Kings of the Sun. As we've seen at the beginning of the entire Icarus saga, that deal gets completely fucked up. Looks like it's because Batman took out the guy in charge which meant The Squid's slacker brother had to do the deal.

This story takes place before Bruce's friend, the one with the motorcycle riding daughter, overdoses on Icarus on his doorstep. Parts of that story are also being fleshed out in this annual which doesn't make it "essential reading," but it definitely shines a little light on how the story began.

Batman goes back later to see Aden to find he's been kidnapped by The Big Bastard, the guy in charge of the shitheel gang Batman's been hunting. He was hired by The Squid to find Aden's dad because he thinks Aden's dad stole the Kings of the Suns' drugs when in reality, his little brother stole them! So this whole Icarus gang war crap was all because Batman decided to go all parental vigilante on Julian. I guess that's why this issue is called Chaos Theory. I think it also could have been called Rube Goldberg Device! Or Reasons Why Batman Isn't Ultimately In As Much Control as He Believes He's In.

Batman figures Julian isn't the best father and he might not try to save his son, so Batman takes on the responsibility.

This kid's birthday just keeps getting better and better.

Batman saves the kid's ass, gives him a Batmanarang, and drops him off at his new home, Aguila Family Shelter for Women and Children. Too bad the person the place is named after will be dead soon! Probably because her daughter was the last person to call her boyfriend's phone. And that phone was left at the site of the Kings of the Suns' Icarus storage unit. And those drugs were stolen by The Squid's younger brother. And he stole those drugs because Matches Malone beat the shit out of Julian. And now when the Kings investigate who took their fucking drugs, they're going to think Elena Aguila's daughter might know something. And Elena's going to wind up dead and The Squid is going to be in a gang war and Elena's daughter is going to be kidnapped and all hell is going to break loose because Batman just had to beat the shit out of a butterfly in a bathroom. Nice one, Bruce!

Detective Comics Annual #3 Rating: Leave it to Buccellato to walk the fine line between DC's fine tradition of essential reading and the old fine tradition of a stand alone story to make this annual a little bit of both. You don't have to have any idea what's happening in the Icarus story to understand this story. It's a story about Batman helping a kid as he also gets some weapons off the street. But a regular reader of Detective Comics just happens to get a lot more out of the story and can go back to the regular story arc bursting with new background information and a new understanding of why all the shit that's going down is going down. What I thought was going to be a boring little side story was actually a very masterfully told tale which asks some interesting philosophical questions about Batman's activities as a vigilante.

Aquaman Annual #2

What use are the breasts of a part-bird, part-snake woman?! Aside from the titillatingly obvious use. I guess that's why her breasts don't have nipples. Although what use are nippleless breasts for titillatingly obviousness?

Trying to make Aquaman cool is one of the worst ideas DC Comics keeps coming up with. Not every hero needs to be super powerful, or stoically majestic, or grim, gritty, and probably insane. Some heroes can be fun and whimsical! I really do miss the whimsical Aquaman who forced Sea Horses into harnesses and saddles and rode standing up on the backs of flying fish. Please stop engaging in this campaign of perverse propaganda to make Aquaman cool, DC! People are buying into it which means they won't stand for Aquaman doing anything silly now! But he was meant for silly! If you want a good example of what's wrong (and possibly right but right now I'm trying to make a point that I probably don't totally agree with, actually) with making Aquaman cool, just look at what they did to Topo!

Silver Age Topo.

Reboot Age Topo.

This is the greatest sin of the Reboot! I want the old Topo back! The one that served Aquaman's dinner and shot arrows as well as Green Arrow shot them and attached itself to the head of some coma patient to control it psychically. I'm not sure about that last part but it would have made Topo more useful while still being whimsical! But no. DC can't have fun things anymore. So now Topo is a monstrous sand flea monster thing of a monster. He's dangerous and bad-ass and smells so bad that Aquaman wouldn't ever want him at the dinner table.

I don't really blame DC Comics for this. I blame all the people that fall for propaganda but think they're too smart to ever fall for propaganda. Idiots! You think propaganda is blindingly obvious bullshit that only morons fall for? If you vote regularly and believe that we live in a democracy where voting for the handful of choices you're allowed to vote for, you've fallen for the greatest propaganda campaign of all time. Your vote has no power. But they want you to think your vote has some kind of power so that you continue to fall for the other propaganda campaign they've got running: the happy home life. If you believe that voting enables you to make a difference, then you won't notice that they've convinced you that a home and a family with at least two children (and hopefully more) is something you should strive for and something you would inherently want no matter if you were raised by wolves in complete isolation. But capitalism needs people in debt. It needs people that need a certain amount of money continuously for eighteen plus years as they raise one child, and hopefully more years and more children as well. They need you desperate for constant income so that you won't leave that job that steadily erodes your power, that slowly drops your pay, that increasingly takes away all benefits for the sake of shareholders and the bottom line. You believe that if you vote in all the right people, life will get better. But as long as you have a mortgage and children to take care of, you've already become a slave to the system. You are inextricably bound to making money for the elite. So you desperately cling to the belief that voting works! That you are doing your duty and that you have a voice and that you, we, hold all the power!

Yeah, yeah. Go on. Keep believing. Believing in the Democracy is just like believing in God. You have a desire for the thing to be true and so you rally to it. You shame the apathetic assholes that refuse to participate. You look down on those that believe only in themselves and refuse to participate in a sham. Cheer your war heroes. Kiss your spouse. Pat your children on the head while you stand in line for your sporting events. Or you can join me! Sitting alone in a dark room, bitter! Angry! Insane from existential quandaries! But free! I'M FREE DAMMIT! I'M CHARLTON HESTON ON THE BEACH! BUT NOT AT THE END OF THE MOVIE ON THE BEACH! I'M CHARLTON HESTON FREE FROM THE APES JUST BEFORE HIS ENTIRE WORLD CRUMBLES BEFORE HIM! I'M JUST GOING TO KEEP HIDING IN MY DARK ROOM SO I NEVER HAVE TO SEE THAT PART WHERE THE TRUTH COMES CRASHING DOWN UPON ME! WHY AM I YELLING?!

Seriously though. We all fall for propaganda no matter how smart we think we are. That's the whole point of propaganda! Civilization is no more real than a western movie set. It's nearly impossible to separate yourself from the culture you've grown up in. Knowing your true loves and hates, those that you'd still have without cultural influence on your being? Forget trying to figure that shit out! It'll drive you into that dark room I pretended I live in for effect! If you really want a happy home full of laughing children? Go for it. If you like to keep your armpits shaved, just believe that you like it because you like the aesthetics of it and not that you've been manipulated by the patriarchy. Because you'll never know which is actually true. What the patriarchy really wants is for us to demand that other non-powerful people just like us think the exact same way we do. They want us in a constant state of bickering about things that don't matter.

And with that final thought (meaning that last sentence in that last paragraph), realize that when I state my piece, when I rant and rave about things I believe, it doesn't mean I think that you should believe them too. I'm not here to convince you that your way of life is wrong or that my way of life is better. But I am trying to say this: everybody's way of life is right for that person's way of life if that person is trying their best to be true to what they believe. The things I write in this blog are (generally) the things I believe and I (generally) stand by them and live accordingly. This is all just infotainment (oh God. We really are living in the end times when Spell Checker accepts "infotainment" but rarely accepts a polysyllabic word which I've turned into an adverb by adding -ly)! Anyway, let me end my rant on a Two Line Play I wrote about rebellion! Does that sound good? It'll cheer us all up before reading Aquaman!

Authority Figure: "Do you want to fight for what's right and save the world, possibly dying for that cause?!"
No Authority Figure: *SHRUG*

Hmm. That was a lot of shit to get through just to read the part of the review where I constantly call Aquaman a loser. I hope some people stuck around! Especially those that disagreed with everything I said.

Uh-oh! Somebody is about to eat?! Don't worry! Aquaman will put a stop to it!

What is up with Jeff Parker and eating? Every single one of his stories since he took over Aquaman has revolved around eating. First the Karaqan was eating Icelanders so Aquaman had to stop them. Then the monsters that appear in this Annual began eating people and Aquaman had to stop them. Then some sharks tried to eat Coombs, so Aquaman had to stop them. Then Chimera pointed out how Aquaman only thinks about killing in order to eat the things killed. And now this issue begins with dinner! And being that Aquaman and Wonder Woman are going to have to stop this dinner, you can guess what's on the menu! Jeff Parker might be obsessed with food.

Does Jeff Parker have Prader-Willi Syndrome?

The story of Aquaman and Wonder Woman versus the monsters begins in Carcassonne, France, where the monsters have taken over a field, a church, a road, and a half-finished city.

In Parker's world, just having food should keep one happy.

That hag might be Lois Lane! The Monsters have found some mystic something or other that allows them to feast on the life essence of people instead of digging right in and sucking out their marrow. Monsters really love marrow, don't they?! It's like the jizz of life! Was that redundant?

Et tu, Wonder Woman? There is more to Aquaman than talking to fish and riding sea horses and stopping everything on Earth from eating.

I've been watching Rome again! I think Titus Pullo might be one of my favorite characters of any show ever. And not because I approve of everything he does! I don't! I just think he's a spectacularly good example of an actual human being caught up in things he can barely comprehend and just trying to keep his own self intact. Lucius is much the same way, of course. It's just that I'm not sexually attracted to Lucius Vorenus. Too Gallic for my tastes.

Which cell phone company sells completely water and pressure resistant phones? One of them must because this is Aquaman's phone!

Aquaman and Wonder Woman soon meet the monsters and the battle begins. Hopefully it goes on for many, many pages because annuals are long and I've already written too much for one commentary! I should be playing Titanfall!

Wonder Woman and Aquaman eventually succumb to the main monster's song, begin fighting with each other, and are encased in webbing as seen in the earlier panel where the monster mentioned how hungry they all are all of the time. But now they have a handy meal, vacuum sealed, and everlasting! The monsters are victorious!

But wait! An archaeologist has brought a magic stone to the fight! And you know how bad-ass archaeologists are! It's the most adventurous profession in America!

I know Hollywood never shows the reality of any profession but I don't think I'm going too far out on a limb to say that archaeology has attained the widest gap between the reality of the job and the Hollywood fantasy life of tomb raiding and artifact hunting. And by Hollywood, I'm including comic books because this archaeologist comes into the monster's midst and begins kicking more ass than Arthur and Diana did! And all he needs is his magic stone he dug up somewhere.

Great Evans of Archaeology? What's the big deal? He stuck a magic trident in a hole and nearly ended the world. That's not so great.

Once the Great Evans uses his magic stone on the monsters, they disintegrate because they really shouldn't exist anyway. Or something. I think there was a lesson to be learned but I'm immune to learning lessons. So instead, I'll just turn the page to read part two where Mera has to deal with the Giant Born that went into the sea.

Now Mera gets to work with Wonder Woman. It's fitting since this series really should be called Aquaman, Husband of Mera.

Yeah, yeah. I know they're not technically married anymore thanks to a decree by Dan DiDio. But what else am I going to call Aquaman? Non-Certified Spouse of Mera? Ridiculous!

Yeah! I mean, uh-oh. Just wait until the oysters get a champion and they come after us!

Wonder Woman suggests that maybe the monsters should try to find another way of living that doesn't involve eating. The monsters respond, "Are you stupid?" Then Mera says, "Well, that's that! We tried to be diplomatic. I guess we have to kill them now." That's what I like about Mera! She doesn't quibble over intellectual discussions about their right to kill monsters. She just kills the monsters and goes back to being awesome.

And adorable.

Aquaman Annual #2 Rating: This was a good annual! Because anybody could pick it up and enjoy it. It didn't follow DC's "fine tradition of making annuals essential reading." It just told a tale that spawned from the main title which the regular readers didn't need to read if they didn't want to. And it highlighted both Aquaman and Mera which the comic book does itself. I'm glad Aquaman is aquaman enough to share his comic book with Mera because she can always use more panel time.

Sinestro #4

Sinestro does not enthuse me if he's going to be Hal Jordan's friend. I hate Hal Jordan as much as Sinestro hated him in the Superfriends cartoons. I want that Sinestro back!

I suppose I still have that Sinestro since he's seen choking the shit out of Hal Jordan on the cover here. I guess what I really want is a less complicated Sinestro. I just want a guy that hates Hal Jordan for the sake of hating Hal Jordan. Unless he was really only motivated by play since his battles with Hal usually revolved around giant baseball bats and gloves, or tennis rackets and horribly deadly spiked tennis balls.

I didn't want to begin reading this comic book because I dislike it so much, so I decided to brave my comic book store and pick up my comics even though the place was soon to be packed with people lining up to meet Bendis, Fraction, and DeConnick. And some other lesser names that might not actually be lesser names but I didn't recognize any of them. Luckily I beat the rush and got out of there before I was consumed in the flames of fandom.

Having survived the comic book store since nobody recognized me, I came back home and still didn't want to read this stupid comic book. It's boring! And the antagonists are just a revamped version of a revamped DC version of a revamped DC version of the Star Trek Borg! And guess what?! They're so powerful that even Sinestro is worried that his army won't be enough to defeat them! What?! They must be crazy powerful if a narcissistic, egomaniac like Sinestro doesn't believe he's more powerful than they are!

I'd be perfectly safe from these guys because I don't give a shit about this story.

The Paling are--get this!--immune to the Yellow Rings! Go fucking figure! Every single fucking antagonist that any of the stupid fucking ring bearers have gone up against since The New 52 began have been immune to the light energy! The most powerful weapons in existence and, so far, they have sucked ass. They have not only sucked ass, they have fed laxatives directly to their enemies and waited for the shit waterfall to plummet into their waiting maws. Can we get a writer to figure out a challenge for any of the Lanterns that still lets them use their rings as weapons?

Here's the problem with The Paling. If they were truly without emotion, they wouldn't care that other beings feel emotion. They betray themselves by caring! A truly emotionless Paling would be sitting on a ratty sofa at the ass end of the universe smoking a bowl while he ignores his responsibilities. I guess that doesn't make for a great antagonist though. Oh well! I've bought into worse stories in The New 52!

"If I would just...smoke one bowl, and open one bag of Cheezy Poofs, and play just one game of Mario Cart...."

Sinestro has a momentary hallucination where he sees Hal Jordan taking everything he ever had. I'm not sure how that's supposed to make Sinestro unemotional. The Paling are doing it wrong! You don't try to humiliate somebody, or scare somebody, or show somebody naked pictures of sexy creatures to get them to lose their emotion! What you do is calm them down, sedate them, put them in a medical coma. Make them watch a few episodes of The Chew until their brains are as numb as the hosts of that stupid fucking show. Why are people so fascinated with watching other people cook food? I understand when Gordon Ramsay is involved because it's always nice to hear some asshole get called a donkey eighteen hundred times. Other than that? Boring! Just shove food in me and I'm good but don't make me watch other people jerk off people that are cooking for them. Actually, I'd watch that cooking show in a heartbeat.

What I'm trying to say is Sinestro just gets angrier. And if I remember my kindergarten years correctly, anger is an emotion! The Paling suck at their religion.

See how they only use periods? That proves that they're unemotional.

Sinestro gets the upper hand when Soranik enters the fight and The Paling suddenly have to protect themselves against the emotion of willpower. Wait a second! If I'm remembering my kindergarten years correctly, willpower wasn't an emotion at all! I never once heard about The Willpower Little Puppy! So The Paling aren't just bad at their religion, they're just fucking idiots as well. While The Paling are confused (unless that's an emotion too! Now that I've learned Willpower is an emotion, I'm not sure what's an emotion and what isn't!), Sinestro drills a hole in one of The Paling priests. This causes the other Paling to almost use an exclamation point right before they die.

Sinestro checks out The Paling's ship, learns their plans to Pale the Universe, then blows it up.

Remember how Cullen Bunn thought a galaxy was equal to a universe? Ha ha! He'll never live that one down!

On the way home, Sinestro meets up with Hal Jordan and thinks the stupidest thing he can possibly think.

Truest friend and most hated enemy? It sounds like you guys are married! Ha ha! That was a sitcom-level marriage joke and I should probably apologize for it. I'm much better than that! Sometimes.

Sinestro #4 Rating: No change. The Paling really aren't much different than The Third Army or Volthoom or Relic or The Manhunters or whatever is cy-Borg-ifying all the heroes in Futures End. I guess when DC finds a plot they love, you can't pry it out of their pale, weak fingers. I bet that's because everybody in the offices at DC Comics are pale mutant vampire people! They're all the same which is why they don't understand representation and diversity. Why would anybody want to be different? "JOIN US," they moan in bewilderment and pain. "JOIN US!"

Harley Quinn #8

The word "assassin" is so vulgar!

The name of my imaginary white supremacist biker gang is "The Class 'A' S.S. Ass Assassins"! They're imaginary because I don't ride a motorcycle. Also probably because I'm not a white supremacist! But in order to come up with a phrase that has the most iterations of the word "ass," I had to make my Biker Gang into neo-nazis so I could include the "S.S." Also, it might be a gay white supremacist biker gang, depending on what kind of ass they're after. Also they might be into grading beef. That wasn't a euphemism for gay since I already pointed out they might be gay.

The only reason I need to write this review is so that I can remember what's happening in this comic book every month. Harley Quinn is such a popular character that I don't think I need to review this comic book. If I say it's the best written comic by DC Comics right now, fans will probably agree with me. If I say it sucks, people are still going to buy it. Look at how shitty The Joker's Daughter #1 by Ann Nocenti was and people are still trying to add that turd to their collection. One thing I do know is that nobody will argue with me no matter what my opinion of the comic is because I will ban them from my site forever! Nobody puts baby in a blender!

The first thing I notice is that Chad Hardin's Harley Quinn is really veering away from Amanda Conner's adorable take on the character. She's beginning to look like a devil woman out of a 70s exploitation horror movie.

Or the rock and roll director's wife in a modern reimagining of that classic genre.

After selling her ill-gotten gains and murdering two would-be thieves, Harley Quinn finally remembers that she's on a roller derby team. But she doesn't remember that it's a game and not a death sport. So after a little eye for an eye, tooth for a severe maiming style of justice, Harley is kicked off the team.

This sounds vaguely familiar!

The rest of the book is a bunch of poop jokes. I don't stoop to poop jokes! Even when they're making fun of Dan DiDio and his terrible comic book ideas.

I know, I know. That thing about not telling poop jokes was probably the most obvious lie I've ever stooped to! But I'm tired and this comic book didn't really have any plot points that I'm going to have to remember later. Harley has a ton of money, a scatapult, and a stalker named Edwin from Staten Island. That's about it! The only thing on my mind was how I had ebola yesterday morning! I woke up with the worst cramps I've ever felt and I don't even have a uterus! Or whatever female parts cause cramps. So half asleep, I stumbled into the bathroom and sat on the toilet, opened up the top drawer of the linen closet to rest my head on, and moaned and moaned and moaned. I think I made two regular bowel movements while still in awful pain. When I say regular, I mean normal sized and good consistency and the type that you would expect to have with at least 24 hours in-between each one. But after that, the plug was let loose! I'm fairly certain I lost five pounds that morning. I wish I'd had a scatapult because I had ammo for weeks!

Harley Quinn #8 Rating: No change. Just more manic fun from the killer clown. More people died in this issue than in Futures End numbers one through twelve! Plus a kitten's life was saved. Plus just before reading this issue, I finished Battleblock Theater. What a silly, adorable game that was!

Doom Patrol #32

Stupid comic book store. Forces all the 75 Years of Batman variant covers on me but can't give me the Platinum variant cover for this issue? Jerkos!

Excuse me, Blogspot readers, while I rant about Tumblr for a second.

Fuck you, Tumblr! Fuck you right in your fucking face! How do you not know how people use your stupid fucking site?! People like to open other dashboards in other links to look at when they're done browsing their dashboard! I don't need this fucking swipe shit ruining my experience! You know when I click on the link to go to my Tumblr home page? I want that in another window, you jizzfiends! I don't want to work on the page in a cramped little half-window! I guess looking slick trumps utility, doesn't it, you dumb motherfuckers.

Now that that rant is through, let me say how little the new feature actually bothers me. I have a habit of always right-clicking to open links in new windows anyway. So, you know. I'm surprised I even noticed it!

Okay, time to read Doom Patrol #32!

And they're debuting in my hometown because they're the best and they love me.

Cliff Steele is back as Cliff Steele. And Niles Caulder is back as The Chief. And Negative Man is back as Larry Trainor. And Elasti-Girl is back as Rita Starr. Wait, what? You meant Rita Farr, right comic book? No? Rita Starr? But she's an actress just like Rita Farr was but she's not Rita Farr? She's Rita Starr? Why, comic book? Why? Why doesn't she get to be herself? It had better be for legal reasons because if it was just Geoff Johns thinking he was cute naming her "Starr" because she's a star then he can just go shove his dick in his mouth and jerk it. No wait. That sounds like fun. He can slam his cock in a car door, that's what he can go do! Jerko!

Okay, so Elasti-Girl has to be somebody else. It's a Reboot! I might not want a skinny Amanda Waller or a wrongly named Elasti-Girl, but I can't do anything about it. Although I could tweet at Geoff Johns until he blocks me! That seems like an emotionally stable choice!

The other main problem with this first scene is that Niles Caulder is attacking with the rest of the group. When did DC decide that everybody associated with a team should be fighting alongside each other? He was the Machiavellian Machiavelli of the group! He wouldn't risk his ass in combat! Especially alongside the Doom Patrol! They always die all of the time, you dumb dumb! Remember what happened to you last time, Mr. Caulder? Head in a litter box full of ice cubes, that's what! Maybe he's only fighting this first battle so that he can become paralyzed in the fight and get his ass back in a wheelchair.

Geez, Element Woman! It's Ms. Starr! You just said you'd seen all of her films! You should know her name by now!

Elasti-Girl needs to keep smiling or else she'll melt. It's very scientific and was explained by The Chief earlier. He said, and I apologize for people that don't like to read heavily scientific, technical explanations, "One crack in that mood and she'll literally fall apart--back to her gelatinous state." I know that's hard to understand but sometimes the best way to learn is to just dive right in there and suck down a heaping helping of scientific know-how. Sure, you'll cough up most of it and never want to do it again but you'll have probably learned something in the attempt. Unless the attempt killed you. But at least you can die happy knowing that your attempt taught other people something they shouldn't do. Learning! It's fun!

The Doom Patrol are more concerned with helping bystanders than stopping Power Ring and The Chief isn't happy about it. It's probably because he wants the ring for himself instead of having to rely on the stupid gun he brought with him. Who brings a gun to a super hero fight? Oh! Grifter, that's who! What a jerk!

But wait! Maybe they don't have to disobey The Chief at all!

Stupid Justice League! Go get your own comic book!

The Chief immediately shows his colors and they're mostly Sweaty Pink Dick and Deep Brown Asshole. You'd think he'd get at least a few issues to pretend to care about the Doom Patrol before outright stating that they owe him everything and they'd better do what he says. I'd rather the Doom Patrol worked for the Chief because they believed he had their best interests at heart and not because they're in a fucking abusive relationship with him and are too scared not to do what he says. Oh well! And Amanda Waller is skinny!

After Cyborg calls Shazam a girl because Geoff Johns loves poking hornet's nests, he accesses Power Ring's ring with his Ring Accessing Attachment (standard in all STAR Labs Cyborg Kits). When he does this, he gets a little foreshadowing of things to come. Power Ring's Ring wants to alert the Anti-Monitor to its whereabouts so that it can come to New Earth and abduct Superwoman's baby, Alexander Luthor Junior the Third. We also learn that Jessica Cruz saw a couple guys in suits burying a body in the woods and barely escaped with her life. I'm sure that'll be important at some point. So try to remember it!

Also, Jessica Cruz is the woman that's now known as Power Ring! I figured some people (myself in one month when I reread this included) might have read that last paragraph and thought, "Who the fuck is Jessica Cruz?"

Oh, shut up you asshole. Just wait until these freaks get a little bit of self-confidence! You're done for!

Before The Chief can remove the ring from Power Ring's finger, Lex Luthor arrives and threatens to cripple The Chief. They seem to have a history. Probably because they took that test with Mister Terrific to determine how they'd rank as the top three smartest people on Earth.

Justice League #32 Rating: No change. That ranking is entirely because I love the Doom Patrol and refuse to lower the score on a comic book that they were in. But it easily could have gone negative since this version of the Doom Patrol have been browbeaten, castrated, and abused by The Chief. I think 85% of Larry Trainor's lines were, "But The Chief said so!" Now, I know the Chief has a history of manipulating his team toward his own ends. And sure, he shot Josh Clay to death. And yes, he apparently planned all of the accidents that allowed him to save them so that they'd be in his thrall. I'm not saying he's not a dick! But the main conceit of The Doom Patrol was that they followed him because he seemed to care! And once the team realized he didn't fucking give a shit, they rallied around each other for support. And The Chief was allowed to hang around because Cliff usually needed a new body by the end of every story arc. So it's quite a bit disappointing to see their first appearance in The New 52 and they're just playing the part of an abused spouse. I don't know. Maybe people feel obligated to somebody else if that person has saved their life. I don't really understand obligation. It's just blackmail that you impose on yourself due to your own feelings of guilt!

Of course, The Doom Patrol might be doing what The Chief wants because, like he blatantly stated, he can take their lives back. He might not have been speaking figuratively there. He probably has some kind of kill switch in each member that will shut them down for good, disperse their elements, turn them into goo, or strip them of their protective bandages! Bah. The Chief deserves whatever Luthor does to him.

Batman Eternal #17

Is this the real cover or a 75th Anniversary of Batman cover?!

This issue begins three years ago because last issue ended with a resounding "Who the fuck is Deacon Blackfire?" from the readers. Well, this comic book is here to tell you who Deacon Blackfire is! Or who he was three years ago before he was sent to hell!

You know how religious figures always have to correct you when you call them by the wrong name? "Please, you don't have to call me Father. I'm not Catholic, you know." No, I didn't know that! I don't know anything about your five billion different Christian denominations with their quadzillion rules that nobody can remember. Hell, most Catholic priests can't even remember the rule about not diddling kids and I'm fairly certain that's like the second or third main rule! I think it goes "Don't have sex with women" and then "Hey, smarty pants. Don't have sex with kids either!" Those are like rules one and two because guys and their penises have a really special relationship. The guy tries to go about his life and the penis constantly interferes with every fucking thing he does all day long.

Penis: "Hey! Hey! Forget going to the bank! Did you see that woman bending over in the light summer dress? Come on! I know you saw that! Let's go see if she'll be amenable to fucking!"
Guy: "Calm down. I don't even know her! I've got better shit to do than act like a fucking creep when she's just trying to go about her day."
Penis: "Naw! She'd be into it! Just show me to her. She won't be able to resist!"
Guy: "You're crazy! And would you knock it off! I'm wearing boxers and slacks! People are going to notice you!"
Penis: "Oh yeah they will! And I'm only half-cocked! Get it? I'm huge! And punny!"
Guy: *Goes into nearest public restroom to masturbate so that his penis will leave him alone for three or four hours*

That's a pretty accurate portrayal of the daily life of every man, ladies! Don't believe any man that says it's not. That's just their penis lying to you! Any time you're in public, you're never further than thirty feet from at least one guy masturbating. It's a fact! They're fucking disgusting!

What the hell was I talking about? Who typed all that stuff? Why is their semen all over my keyboard?! PEEEEEEEENNNNIIIIIIIS!

That should probably be a sitcom. "I Love Penis!" I'd watch it.

How are all those people clapping without their left arms?!

Deacon Blackfire's soul has transmigrated into the body of Maxie Zeus through some kind of ritual shenanigans performed by The Joker's Daughter. Arkham has just become one great big mystic mess and The Spectre still continues to avoid entering the body of Jim Corrigan. I don't blame The Spectre at all. Jim is palling around with Batwing and what DC Character in their right mind wants to appear in a Batwing comic book? Perhaps when he learns this is a Batman weekly, he'll jump right into Corrigan and save the day.

I hate being so critical of Batwing since it's the only DC comic book left with a black lead (I suppose Green Lantern Corps could make an argument for having a black lead as well. But I can't consider John Stewart a solid lead on that book when DC wanted to kill him off in it!), but it's just been so boring and depressing lately! The last issue was actually pretty good! But that always seems to happen with cancelled titles. Too little too late.

Also, have we gone from referring to African Americans as "black" to "urban"? I didn't get the memo but it seems like that's becoming a fairly popular term. Does that mean I should begin referring to myself as "half-suburban, half-barrio"? Are haughty liberals going to start saying things like, "I don't see neighborhoods"?

Meanwhile in Tokyo, two of my favorite new characters are becoming fast friends!

Where is Harper going to post that picture? Is this her "Super Hero" phone with all of her secret super hero identity social media accounts? I suppose it doesn't matter since Red Robin insists on shouting her real name every few minutes.

Harper shocks the monkey and now I can't get the song out of my head. She threatens to reprogram it if Doctor Alexandrov refuses to help them defeat the nanobots infecting the children of Gotham City.

He just said her name right in front of you, you idiot!

When was the last time Batman was actually in this comic book? Can I sue DC Comics for fraud?

Well, three years ago, he makes an appearance in this comic book! I think I still have a case seeing as how Batman is only appearing in a flashback where he's being held captive by Deacon Blackfire. He's been chained in the Deacon's basement for seven days and seven nights consuming only the drugged wafers and partaking of only the drugged water. Deacon Blackfire also has other people he's plucked from his flock who get to be chained and ministrated upon, hallelujah!

I don't know what the ministrations are but I'm sure they're kinky!

Oh Deacon! You're so close to figuring it out! If only you'd unmasked him, you'd realize that his plan isn't to save everybody! His plan is to make a shitload of money by gentrifying, gentrifying, gentrifying!

Batman does that thing he does where he defeats the bad guy. You know that thing? The thing he always does even when the odds seem stacked against him! He even has a momentary throwback to his first story when a man died right in front him by falling into a vat of acid and he just kind of shrugged his shoulders. This time, Deacon Blackfire gets beaten to death by his "followers" while Batman stands there saying, "I'd help out but I've got these chains!" Then he holds up his chained together hands, frowns slightly, and sits down to watch the spectacle while smoking his pipe.

Actually, I don't know if Deacon Blackfire died at this moment or not. Probably not! I think standing by and watching someone get beaten to death is just over the line in Batman's Rules for Technically Not Killing People Although, Really, Come On!

Back in the present, Deacon Blackfire's followers all transform into Men-Bats and he sends them to recruit more followers.

Jesus Christ! More Men-Bats?! Haven't we had enough of them? I suppose these are less Men-Bats and more Vampire-Men-Bats. And by "recruiting more followers," they're actually going to go make more vampires. And meanwhile, The Spectre continues to refuse to materialize.

Batman Eternal #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I was skeptical about a weekly Batman comic book but color me credulous! Or something. I'm enjoying this series a lot more than Futures End which is the weekly I thought I would really like. Although I think I'll super really like Multiversity! Unless they screw it up in the same way they're screwing up Futures End by limiting the awesome and crazy shit they can do because they seem to like boring and slow moving bullshit as opposed to lots of death and destruction and sex with decapitated monkeys and anal fissures that become sentient and nuclear farts and Superman masturbating to defeat an invading alien fleet with his supersonic Kryptonian ejaculate! Now that's a comic book!

Futures End #13

When Red Robin isn't tending bar, he likes to drive homeless people out of the city.

Have you ever noticed how many goody-two-shoes, be-a-better-person, trite-as-shit posts get reblogged on Tumblr every day? And yet nearly everybody you ever encounter is a selfish asshole with their nose pressed up against their stupid cell phone? Do people believe that appreciating a nice sentiment is just about the same as being a kind person? I really don't know since I can't fucking stand those posts that tell me to smile or pay compliments or do small acts of kindness or whatever. I can also type out things that I think would be nice if people did them. Typing is fucking easy! And you know what's even easier than that? Hitting reblog and then forgetting about the post! Not that I think any of those goddamned posts improve anybody's life at all. People are just addicted to the momentary warm feeling that occurs when they suspect they can live life better, become happier, and feel life can have meaning if only they'd pursue it.

Here's my advice: stop imagining yourself as a different person. If you like the way you are and you've never paid for a stranger's coffee, don't start now just because a stupid fucking quote posted by Joe Hill or reblogged by Neil Gaiman said you should. Somebody else believes in small gestures! Big fucking deal! Here are the things I believe would make somebody happy! Maybe you should try my list too!

The only problem with my list is that it doesn't create the illusion that people are inherently kind and generous. There's a reason for that! Because I don't cotton to lies!

Whoops. I meant to just get right to the review. Sorry about all those extraneous words. Unless extraneous means something other than what I wanted it to mean!

The issue begins with Cal and Mad getting robbed.

I'm fairly certain that necklace had a tracker in it, so Cal will be getting you a "new one" fairly soon.

Following this scene is a scene which reminds everybody that Mister Terrific is worried about the threat of Future Batman. Then there's a scene where Grifter and Fifty Sue sneak about Cadmus to discover that normal people from Earth 2 are being held in secret cells beneath the island. Also I guess it shows Grifter can differentiate normal Earth 2 people from New Earth people with his "They Live" vision.

If I felt these scenes were more important, I'd go into more detail about them. I guess if you wanted to write a term paper about Mister Terrific's scene, you'd begin by discussing personal ethics and morality and whether or not they should be abandoned at times for the greater good. Mister Terrific has recently compromised his beliefs to, as he lies to himself, protect the world. He does acknowledge that the Mindboggler Cyborg scares him but doesn't acknowledge that the terror is the main reason he's begun to ignore his personal ethical philosophy. It's too bad because it's fear which is always the beginning of the end. When people are frightened, they tend to make poor decisions by choosing answers that make them feel safer. Batman knows this which is why he'll never kill. Not because he wants to be better than the bad guys but because he knows that killing The Joker would make him, and the people of Gotham, feel less frightened. Which means killing The Riddler would as well. And The Penguin. And Zsasz.

Hmm, Zsasz actually probably should be killed. The evidence for all of his murders is right there on his body! I wonder if Zsasz will slice his own throat when he's run out of room on his body, the space left over to mark his final kill!

Here's the resolution to that first scene. Lots of pages to tell the reader something they already knew: Cal is Red Robin! Geez, Futures End! We knew that as soon as Lois Lane began her investigation because she's the best investigative journalist ever.

I wonder when the first truly interesting revelation will happen in Futures End? Or when somebody else will die! I want to see super hero corpses already! Green Arrow's death wasn't enough. Fuck, Green Arrow's death was expected!

Here's a revelation: The Key and his team still haven't gotten around to doing their Terrifitech job! And now they've decided they don't want to do it with Terry McBatman so Plastique knocks him unconscious with a paper airplane bomb. In other words, thirteen issues in and The Key's team is still no closer to their robbery than when they started.

I suppose the discussion between Big Barda and Emiko shine a little light on Five Years in the Future New Earth. The war that has been referenced on multiple occasions was with Apokolips. Since the people of Earth 2 are treated with such suspicion and fear, the warriors from Apokolips must have used Earth 2 as a base to invade New Earth. The civilian population of Earth 2 fled to New Earth and were kept in concentration camps until the end of the war. That's when people like Mister Terrific began trying to fight for equality for Earth 2 civilians. Other people like Lois Lane use people's Earth 2 civilian status as ways to threaten their jobs! Cadmus has taken on the job of secretly imprisoning Earth 2 heroes. With their recruitment of Grifter, it looks like they might want to capture normal Earth 2 civilians as well, possibly suspecting a rebellion brewing. Or just because they're those fearful people that trade their ethics away for a feeling of safety.

If she comes peacefully, at least she'll be with Scott. Although why would she come peacefully? She can kick Deathstroke's ass easy.

Futures End #13 Rating: -2 Ranking. This is basically an Elseworlds title where anything can go and yet it continues to bore me, issue after issue. I suppose too many things have been planned for the DC September Extravaganza for the writers of Futures End to just go off the rails. I guess that's the problem. I'm on one of those rides at Disney where you can imagine a lot of fantastic stuff could happen but in reality, you're just puttering along stuck to a predetermined path along a stupid fucking rail.