Grayson #1

The gun is a big "Fuck You!" to Batman.

My comic book store forgot that I added this to my pull list so I was able to choose which cover I wanted instead of being at their mercy. The choice was the cover above or a white cover with no art on it at all. While that cover looked clean, I felt like I wasn't getting my $2.99 worth. Also, I read comics to be entertained by the words and images and not to sit staring at a stark white space and thinking, "That's really clean!"

Getting back to Dick and his gun, does anybody think Batman approves? Batman always gets snotty whenever he sees a non-cop good guy with a gun. I think Dick chose to use one because he's super pissed that Batman has forced him to go into hiding without informing Babs and Alfred that he's not dead. He's also using a gun so DC could use the tag line "You don't know Dick" in their promos. That promo, by the way, was truly offensive. Don't tell me that I don't know dick! I know a lot about dick! Stop infantilizing your audience, DC! We're adults! I bet 98% of your audience has sucked a big, fat cock! At least 98% of the audience that is into Nightwing, anyway.

DC, I don't think you meant for this to read how it reads.

Dick Grayson is now working for Spyral. Unless it's Spiral. Unless it's something completely different. He's Agent 37 for some reason that probably means something to Tim Seeley but doesn't mean anything to me. Dick is new at his job so it's not his fault that, as he boards the Trans-Siberian Railroad, he's spotted by a Midnighter look-a-like named Black Oak. Black Oak watches Dick battle with security on top of the train and thinking how great this would look as a film. Why hasn't Hollywood optioned this already?! A fight on top of a train in the first scene! Sold!

While Dick engages in battle atop the train, a woman (possibly The Matron of Spyral (unless it's Spiral)) seduces the ever-hungry fat person. It's always so comical to have a fat person on screen (not on page because, really, this should be a movie already!) say things like, "So hungry!" The fat guy's first name is Lenin backwards which is clever in a way that isn't really clever but has enough similarity to clever that nobody will notice how not clever it actually is.

I imagine this entire scene will play out for a few pages as Dick and The Matron work their way through their own individual action packed scenes before meeting up in the cabin to fuck while the beginning credits roll with a profile of a naked woman doing sexual things to a gun while a song so similar to Goldfinger plays that the audience has to wonder why Goldfinger wasn't just used for every fucking movie.

Obviously she was intercepted by Black Oak's matron. Nobody but sitcom producers believe that a woman this striking would be interested in Mister Ninel "So Hungry" Dubovanov.

I couldn't figure out what other action Agent 37 would have to get into before fucking because I instantly assumed the blonde was Dick's Matron. But this makes so much more sense! I don't watch a lot of spy movies, so I'm a bit rusty with their motifs. Obviously, Dick is going to have to fuckfight this blonde woman. The credits will roll after he regrets having to knock her out before doing it with her. But that's okay because just before the beginning credits roll, he'll get to passionately kiss Matron in that way old screen actors kissed where they press their lips together tightly and mash their faces together awkwardly.

I bet those evil jerks over at C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E. are all, "This book is a very, very intriguing start to a very, very new comic book! I'm very intrigued and you should be too!" I wonder what C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E. stands for? Probably something really evil and slimy and perverse! They're so evil and slimy and perverse! Totally my archenemies!

Look at how fast that train is going! This comic book wants to be a movie so badly!

Dick manages to spill some wine on Van Damsel and she calls him an idiot in Russian. I don't know why DC couldn't translate "idiot" for the masses! Is that a swear word? No, if it were a swear word, I would use it more. Van Damsel storms off to radio back to headquarters that her seduction attempt has been diverted for a moment. Because Mister So Hungry probably would hate to fuck her with that wine stain on her clothes. Gross!

I hate when my grandmothers bunch up on me!

The wine Dick spilled apparently contained a toxin that is delivered through whatever breasts are made of because Van Damsel passes out while Dick kidnaps Mr. So Hungry. Nenil must be full of some kind of toxin or explosive or nuclear device because Dick is warned that Nenil cannot be breached. So Dick uses Spyral's (unless it's Spiral's) hypno-tech to convince him that they're Best Russian Friends Forever. I guess it's so the guy will follow him and Dick won't have to keep carrying him since he's so fat and hungry.

I'm disappointed that no spy sex has happened so far but I'm not counting it out yet because Black Oak attacks Dick! And by Black Oak, I mean Midnighter! So he wasn't just a look-a-like! He's the real deal and since he hasn't been allowed to battle Batman yet, Dick Grayson is the next best thing. I feel bad for Dick though. His first issue and he's already battling people that he can't beat? How embarrassing must it be to get beat up in your debut issue? Although if Dick can't beat him in hand to hand combat, he might be able to beat him by using spy seduction techniques. That might be Dick's only chance.

Although for Dick to seduce Midnighter, he really has to be into fucking men. Because Midnighter will be able to tell how much the blood flow to Dick's penis has changed by the flush on Dick's cheeks and the rate of his heartbeat. Midnighter probably has the best gaydar in the DCU.

Unless it's Spiral.

Lucky for Dick, Nenil wakes up and blasts the fuck out of Midnighter who flies fifteen bajillion babushkas away. The reason Nenil has been so hot and so hungry isn't because he's so fat at all. It's because he's smuggling some kind of super weapon inside his body. Dick was sent by Spyral to capture him so they can, well, probably use him for their own purposes. Unless Dick does some of that super tricky undercover shit where he "accidentally" pulls the super device out of Nenil's ass and helps him escape.

I guess as long as Dick is able to pretend that Ninel was helped by Spyral, everything is okay.

His name is Mr. Minos because Spyral has a labyrinth fetish. Her name is Helena Bertinelli because that's what her parents named her. I wonder if she'll mention the story of her passport having been stolen a few years back.

Back at Dick's base which is a dorm very close to Hadrian's Finishing School for Girls dorm (that makes it sexy! Unless the girls are underage! I mean, that still might be sexy depending on the circumstances and the people involved since "underage" doesn't mean children but "can't be seen as sexual in any way at all due to an arbitrary number decided upon by law"), he reports back to Matches Malone via hidden communicator. His message is, "I don't know anything yet but I wanted the readers to know that I was in contact with you while infiltrating Spyral to figure out who Mr. Minos really is since his face simply appears as a swirling swirl."

The issue ends with a scene of Mr. Minos speaking with Otto Netz's granddaughter. They seem to be concentrating on two things: finding organs from the Paragon Protocol, and discovering the secret identities of superheroes. Of course, the reason Batman sent Dick to infiltrate Spyral was to find out if they knew his secret identity and to somehow force them to forget it. Part of the reason they brought in Dick Grayson was because of his close ties to the super hero community. I think. Maybe. Perhaps if I find a review of this issue by the villains at C.O.M.I.C.S.V.E.R.S.E., they'll be able to explain it to me fully!

Grayson #1 Rating: I'll begin this comic ranked at about #20 since I like Dick Grayson. Finally! I never really cared about him before The New 52 but I like the role he's grown into and how he's become one of the few people Batman respects as an equal. What I don't like is that he's been separated from the Batfamily and most of his best moments are when he's helping Batfamily members through difficult situations with his calm demeanor and sloppy hugs.

Comicsverse hasn't done a review of Grayson #1 so I can't point out how many times they use "very" in their reviews. Foiled!

Batman Eternal #14

This cover gives me an idea!

What is Batman without his enemies? Just a crazy guy in a bat costume swinging around the city peering in strangers' windows! And what am I without an enemy? Practically the same thing! Except for the swinging! And the bat costume. And any kind of clothing at all, actually. So what I need to become a truly great internet blogger is an enemy! And I don't mean an enemy like Scott Lobdell who doesn't even know I exist because I'm so far beneath him and write on the internet. I need somebody whose attention I know I can get and who I'm fairly certain, comic fans being what they are, I can really piss off! Right now, I am declaring Comicsverse my enemy! Prepare to barely notice me yipping at you and your reviewers from two blocks down the street and over one house, right next to that yellow house with the chain link fence! Metaphorically, I mean!

Now that I have an archenemy, I'm probably going to promptly forget that I have an archenemy! Maybe I should declare war on a site which also reviews every issue of The New 52 so I can make direct comparisons of their terrible writing and blindingly obvious revelations to my stellar genius and way with the words and such. I think either way, in the end, it's all just too much work for me to even care about my archenemy, no matter whom I choose.

Before I read Batman Eternal, here's an advertisement. My friend began a Twitter that he didn't tell anybody about but I'm like Sherlock Holmes and shit so I figured it out immediately and shit. Giraffe Sex Tape. I'm pretty sure he got the idea while watching Episode 1 of Season 3 of Wilfred. Anyway, you should go follow him just so he can think, "Where the fuck did all of these followers come from? Do they all have secret Giraffe Sex Tapes?"

I'd forgotten that The Joker's Daughter was running some kind of Satanic Cult from the basement of Arkham!

I felt like I was following along with the stories inside Batman Eternal due to its weekly schedule but now they've reminded me that there are arcs to this series that I've completely forgotten about! I completely forgot that Batwing and The Spectre were investigating the strange goings on at Arkham. I don't know if they tie into the rest of the crap going down in the city. It could be all of these criminals just got wind of the same thing at the same time and realized it was time to challenge Batman for control of his city. Maybe I should take a quick tally of the antagonists (the ones I can remember, anyway).

Professor Pyg. So far he's been a pawn and a distraction. But he almost got to Falcone himself and the only thing that saved Falcone was Catwoman being in the room at the same time. Batman couldn't let any harm come to her although he definitely could have dragged his heels on getting Carmine.

Carmine Falcone. Currently the main antagonist trying to take control of Gotham, although it looks like somebody even higher up is still waiting in the wings. He had neutered the Gotham Police Department until Jason Bard began taking matters into his own hands.

The Penguin. The Penguin has been running Gotham's underworld for about five years now, having driven Falcone out. He's nothing new and not much of a threat right now as Carmine has him against the ropes.

Cluemaster. Cluemaster's plans are still unknown. According to his daughter Stephanie, he's planning something nefarious.

The Joker's Daughter. She's under Arkham cutting off people's left arms and trying to summon something. The real Joker, maybe?

Catwoman. Not really an antagonist although Batman #28 has her seemingly ruling the Gotham Underworld (and the Gotham Underground which is totally different somehow). So Batman's probably going to piss her off at some point and she's going to go feral.

Deathstroke. Deathstroke is headquartered on Cadmus Island with his sidekick, a little girl named...oh wait. That's the other weekly book. Never mind.

James Gordon Jr. JGJ has only recently come onto the scene and he might just be interested in fucking with his dad.

The Nano-Virus. I have no fucking clue what this thing is doing. It seems like it may have been a mistake which Red Robin is eventually going to clear up.

There was also that guy standing by the subway track for a few too many hours whom Batgirl and Red Hood are hunting down. And that's all I can currently remember!

This isn't even a Teen Plus Rated comic book! You can't talk about Rimjobs in a normal comic book! Comic Code Violation! Injury to the (Brown) Eye! Corrupted youth! Sexy, sexy butthole licking!

Carmine is interrupted mid-anus puckering fantasy by The Penguin slaughtering all of his bodyguards. It's easy to just think of The Penguin as a misshapen, horrible little business man that runs his empire from behind a desk that's behind a bunch of people with guns. But The Penguin has never forgotten his love of trick umbrellas and murdering the fuck out of people.

Falcone is now 0 for 2 against Gotham's crazy time players.

Carmine gets lucky if you really fucking twist the definition of "lucky." Jason Bard and his team, along with Vicki Vale and her crew, appear just in time to stop Oswald from killing Falcone. So at least he isn't going to be dead in a second. But he is going to jail for criminal conspiracy at the least and breaking probably every other law on the books at the most. And The Penguin gets to join him for murder and attempted murder! And ex-commissioner Forbes will be waiting for them in prison as well! That's what happens when you team up with a cowardly mayor like Hady! He's into money and power but not into risk and long prison sentences, so he just gave up everyone when Jason Bard approached him with some audio evidence of Forbes working with Falcone.

Meanwhile on the way to Tokyo, Red Robin realizes he has a stowaway named Harper Row. He's really starting to get pissed off that she's so much smarter than he is.

Batman pays Jason Bard a visit to tell him that if he isn't willing to play by Batman's rules than Batman isn't willing to work with him. Who does Batman think he is? The Penguin? Carmine Falcone? Who is he to tell the police how to run their city? Well, Batman doesn't actually tell Bard how to run things. He just makes him defend himself and then doesn't shake his hand. I think not shaking another man's hand is highly offensive. I wouldn't know since I never shake anybody's hand because it's an overly aggressive act that means nothing. Wasn't my "Hello, pleased to meet you" good enough for you? Why do I have to touch you as well? And not just touch you but be judged by you as you test my grip! Fuck off! That tradition needs to fucking die.

I don't know what her daddy told her. I'm confused. Not as confused as when Ann Nocenti was writing her though. Have you seen how much Joker's Daughter #1 with the migraine inducing cover sells for? Holy fuck, this world is bonkers.

Batman Eternal #14 Rating: No change. I guess Jason Bard had to have some faults, didn't he? You can't have another cop as lawful and intelligent as Gordon (unless she's also a lesbian) and you can't have a butler as loyal and capable as Alfred Pennyworth. Next issue is going to deal with the crazy antics of The Joker's Daughter in Arkham and The Spectre trying to vengeance her! It might also begin with a nice sex scene because "take care of" might mean "to fornicate!" And she's already trying to mount his probably flaccid penis. I bet it flops around like Ray Bolger trying to find his balance. Weird that her daddy would have told her to fuck Crane though.

My archenemy Comicsverse doesn't have a video review for this comic book, so I'll have to point and laugh at their review for Green Arrow #32 instead! First off, Brandon the Reviewer points out that this issue is a good jumping on point for people not familiar with Green Arrow. Who isn't familiar with Green Arrow?! What's there to know about him?! It's all in the name! He's green and he, well, he's not an arrow exactly. I guess that could be confusing since he just shoots arrows and isn't one himself. I guess Brandon the Reviewer expects his audience to come to him for his golden knowledge nuggets having never read a comic book before. Or maybe they've read plenty and they just never understood them. I can see that happening if someone were to pick up Ann Nocenti's Catwoman, they might not have any idea what's going on. "So Catwoman is a race car driver? And she doesn't like her suit? Wait, she hates cats? Is she a woman? What's going on here?!"

Next, Brandon the Reviewer points out how Ollie is no longer under control of Seattle. Wait, who's Ollie?! Does he have any relation to this Green Arrow I know nothing about? And why was he king of Seattle? That sounds like a pretty sweet and laid back gig right there! I bet I could head up to Seattle tomorrow and just proclaim that I'm the king of it and everybody would be, "Yeah? Okay. Cool. Can I get you some fish and a coffee?"

Brandon the Reviewer goes on to say that Red Dragon is now King of Seattle. Who the fuck is Red Dragon? Is that the code name of Dick Dragon, Kung Fu Fighter? Maybe it's his brother from Moscow. You know the one! The one that beat the shit out of Rocky Balboan.

If you don't get that previous joke that is not a typo, don't worry. I won't understand it either when I reread this next month!

Brandon the Reviewer points out that Ollie makes a joke about Red Dart's name. He doesn't mention how Green Arrow should really stop pissing in people's mouths when they can readily piss in his mouth over his name as well. Also, Brandon the Reviewer hasn't said "fuck" one single time in the whole two minutes of his review! How does he expect to gain followers? They have to hear the word fuck over and over again or they will get bored, listless, and depressed!

Anyway, Brandon the Reviewer goes on to call Jeff Lemire "brilliant" as opposed to "hackneyed," after which he says he's "digging" Andrea Sorrentino's art instead of saying, "How do you expect a color blind person to read this thing?!" He finishes with "I think I'll be following along; you should too." I expected after that moment to hear the Reading Rainbow "du nun dunt!"

Holy shit! Fuck this commentary shit! Also fuck you, Comicsverse, because you are now my sworn enemy! Back to my fucking of this commentary shit though! I should be writing Reading Rainbow reviews for DC Comic books and then filming all the various neighbor kids reading my scripts! Genius! Granted, I might get arrested for the corruption of minors. But it'll probably be worth it! DU NUN DUNT!

Futures End #10

The Modern Era of comic books began when The Key stopped wearing his ridiculous fucking costume (not pictured. Should I picture it? Maybe I should picture it after the caption!).

Remember a time when super heroes were often beaten by people dressed like this?

I bet The Key just got angrier and angrier every time he was arrested by a super hero and they'd say, "I'm locking you up and throwing away the key!" Batman alone probably used that one a half dozen times. Another reason he was always angry was because you don't give a guy known as The Key that can open any locks the normal, run-of-the-mill cavity search. Oh no. You've got to get those digits way on up there just to make sure. Is it possible to shove an entire fist up an asshole and then open your hand and feel around? Because that's probably the treatment he got every time he was sent to prison. They probably even had to make sure his dickhole was clean of lockpicks. With a little conditioning, you can get a whole set up there.

Anyway, that's what happened to The Key. He really just thought he'd try his hand at super villainry by dressing up and robbing a few banks. But after the constant punning after being captured and the incessant body searches, he eventually turned pale and white, his hair went gray, and he just plain stopped caring about his appearance. His tormentors turned him into a ghoul that was too angry and traumatized to be whimsical. When he came back in Grant Morrison's Justice League run, those fucking Justice League members deserved everything they got.

This issue begins with masked Superman breaking through a wall because he's forgotten how to open doors. At first I thought Masked Superman might be Power Girl. But she's a prisoner on Cadmus Island, so then I thought maybe Kara. But I never really liked that guess because Kara is way too sleight to pull off Superman. So now, judging on the way the skin tight suit is fitting, I think it might be Booster Gold. He's got that force field that can do most of the work for him, plus his Legion Flight Ring, and any other future tech he may have access to. Plus he hasn't been around since he tried being an old west sheriff.

Superman is trashing a science lab where science happens and threatening the life of Ethan Boyer. Hopefully Lois Lane isn't around recording his on the record death threats! That would be just like an ace investigative journalist!

Oh shit! Spin control! Spin control!

Even when I'm joking, I can't help guessing plot points! I figured Lois was still investigating her stupid numbers that some whacko nutjob sent her in the mail. How could she have gotten back here so quickly? Not only that, why the fuck is she here?! Shouldn't Superman be questioning why she was in this lab? If she knew the lab was abandoned and she came to check it out, why is she grilling Superman about why he has also come to check it out? I guess that's what makes her such a great journalist! She knows she shouldn't be in this building either so she instantly puts the other person on the spot! Or maybe she's actually Ethan Boyer's shapeshifting alien clone! Oh wait. I forgot I was reading DC for a second and not Marvel. It's probably just Lois.

Meanwhile at The Wounded Duck (get it? Red Robin is a lame duck because he's not superheroing anymore? He's so clever!), Coil continues, ten issues on, to point out to The Key that he hasn't officially joined their Terrifitech Raiding Party. Can you waste any more time, asshole?! Either bow out or agree to try the fucking plan already! Why can't The Key just use his brain unlocking, mind control, really fucking stretching the idea of his powers power and force him to agree?

Terry McBatman might know how to convince Coil to join the team though.

Coil is about ready to agree to the plan with Terry McBatman's new information and a floor plan of Terrifitech at his disposal. And instead of letting this guy convince Coil so they can get on with their raid, The Key tries to send him packing. This is why The Key has never been a very successful evil mastermind! Trying to form a team of somewhat confident individuals isn't anything like hiring a bunch of thugs and forcing them to refer to themselves as Key-Men.

When The Key acts up, Terry McBatman Tonga Death Strikes his ass and knocks him out cold.

How does Red Robin know Terry pulled the "deathless" version on The Key? Does the regular version cause the head to explode?

When the bartender mentions he knows Batman, Terry gets jealous and decides to move the meeting of his new gang somewhere else. After they leave, Red Robin catches his girlfriend snooping through his stuff. So he rewards her with some jewelry! It's nice to know somebody cares so much that they'd root through your belongings to try to uncover things about your past that you might want to stay in the past. It's also nice to know that your significant other cares enough to give you a necklace that probably has a tracer in it and maybe even a microphone so he can listen in to all of your conversations. What a great relationship they have!

Meanwhile in space, we learn that Hawkman gets off on being dominated and that a member of Stormwatch other than Hawkman survived the attack by the Cancelator. It's either Apollo or The Engineer since their bodies were missing. I suppose it could also be Midnighter because he probably slowed his breathing and heartbeat down to a level that would allow him to float around in space for weeks before dying.

Back on Cadmus Island, Grifter fills half a page with his Narration Boxes, so nothing much has changed with him in the last five years. He also manages to get his ass beat by an invisible OMAC. Maybe it's Predator OMAC! Did Dark Horse lose their rights to The Predator? Deathstroke's sidekick, Fifty Sue (is that her name because it rhymes with 52? Is she from Earth 50? Is she a boy named Sue?) doesn't know anything about the OMAC that beat Grifter but she'd like to. So now she finally has a reason to keep Grifter alive: as bait for the invisible OMAC.

And finally in Vancouver, British Columbia, Green Arrow's sister outs Big Barda.

She calls herself "Jane Kirby" because she wants to be anonymous, like a Jane Doe, and she's a huge fan of Bruce Kirby.

Futures End #10 Rating: No change. I almost began this final paragraph with a statement about something I didn't yet know and then realized it would just be a statement that people would want to answer, so I decided not to say it. So let me say this instead: when did DC decide that colorists were human enough to get their names on the cover?! That's a bold move, DC! Next they're going to want adequate compensation and health benefits for their pets.

The Phantom Stranger #21

If The Phantom Stranger is actually Judas Iscariot, why is he such a goddamned white guy?

I might have to reread this entire series because I'm suspecting, judging by this cover and last issue, that it's been a homoerotic romance novel this entire time. The only issue I have with that plan is that I don't actually want to spend any more time going back and rereading this series.

The Phantom Stranger has finally defeated the man whose life he stole, Sin Eater, and now feels guilty for having ruined the guy's life and having taken everything from him. So he's beginning an adventure to help redeem the serial killer, Philip Stark.

Come on, Stranger! You're not doing this for Philip Stark! You're doing this for yourself! The Phantom Stranger just can't live with the guilt of having stolen Philip Stark's family. Even though Phil was going to kill his family and The Stranger saved them by destroying Stark. So The Stranger doesn't owe this guy anything. Look, Stranger. Haven't you realized yet that nothing you do ever makes you seem like a good guy? Dog is manipulating you at every turn and you always wind up betraying and hurting somebody. Can't you just live with being a dick since Dog says it's for a good reason?

You know how people say God works in mysterious ways? That's such a fucking cop out! Not because they're basically shrugging their shoulders and accepting whatever crap God throws at them. But it's not an answer that points out that God is always working for the greater benefit of the human race. Somebody's family gets killed by a tornado and they accept it because God works in mysterious ways. Sure, if God planned the tornado to kill your family, you definitely don't know why he did it, so it's mysterious. But why do you accept that it's mysterious for a good reason?! Maybe he just fucking can't stand to look at your smarmy face and wanted to hurt you as badly as he could!

The Stranger brings the naked Sin Eater to the room of teenage babysitter, Chris the Redeemer.

No, it just speaks volumes for how far he'd go to soothe his guilty conscience.

I hate Chris the Redeemer. Not for any logical reason. I just think he's a shitty character and a shitty idea.

J.M. DeMatteis: "Hey! I know! Let's set up a character that's analogous to Jesus Christ!"
Stupid DC Editor Who Doesn't Know the Difference Between the Arctic and Antarctica: "I don't know. We might step on some toes and then we'd have to apologize because that's what you have to do if you accidentally step on somebody's toes or else they'll try to get you fired and turn the entire world against you."
J.M. DeMatteis: "What?"
Stupid DC Editor Who Thinks Ann Nocenti Has Writing Chops: "Oh, um, nothing. I mean, what's the twist?"
J.M. DeMatteis: "Okay, okay. Get this: his name is Chris Esperanza and he's a babysitter!"
Stupid DC Editor Who Tells Lobdell To His Face That His Run on Superman Was Epic: "I don't get it."
J.M. DeMatteis: "Chris! As in Christ! And Esperanza! Which means Hope? As in redemption? As in Redeemer?! Chris the Redeemer! And he's a babysitter because he's taking care of everyone!"
Stupid DC Editor Who Loved Rocafort's Design for Twat Lobo: "Um, sure. Okay. Hey, do you and Giffen have time to do another title? I was thinking of rebooting Boy Commandos except they'd be forced to have a girl join and wackiness could ensue as the boys have to deal with a girl trying to get by in the wilderness! Great idea, right?"
J.M. DeMatteis: "Have you looked at a calendar lately? 2014. Not 1961. Two thousand and fourteen!"
Stupid DC Editor Who is Stupid: "Come on! A great idea is a great idea! I can already picture one scene where the girl's tent falls down on her in the rain! Ah ha ha ha! Why aren't you writing that down? It's gold!"

I should submit a pitch for a rebooted Boys Commando comic book! Although I'd probably fill it with pedophilia jokes, so it'd probably fare better at Image.

Speaking of pedophilia jokes, I like how the florist in Bob's Burger's town is called Petalphilia. Speaking of puns, I like how the food cart down the street from my house is called Fried Egg I'm in Love.

The Stranger heads back to Terrance Thirteen's penthouse to find that he couldn't even handle taking care of one angel. He may be rich but I don't think he has a toilet big enough to flush Zauriel. So instead, he's handing the body off to a bunch of freelance angels.

So "What's grosser than gross? A truck full of dead babies" is another person's truth? And "What's grosser than that? The live one eating its way out" is somebody else's? People are weird!

Zauriel's body is taken to a ghost town in Utah where The Phantom Stranger and the angels cremate it. After that, the Mormons convert Zauriel to Mormonism.

The angels point out that Zauriel was also a fallen angel since he went against Dog's commands when he chose to help The Stranger put together an eighteen issue crossover.

Homosexual romance novel!

Apparently Zauriel was Judas's private guardian angel. He followed him from his birth. He was even there when he took up with twelve other white guys on some Canadian camping trip or some...oh wait! That's when he was a disciple of Christ! Why are they white guys?!

To bring Zauriel back from the dead, a human champion must fight for him. But The Phantom Stranger is all, "But I'm not gay!" Then he turns into a tornado and disappears. But Terrance Thirteen steps up and accepts the challenge! That seems a bit foolhardy. He's no Phantom Stranger!

Terrance Thirteen and The Phantom Stranger should star in a remake of television's Perfect Strangers. I wouldn't watch it but it's an idea!

Terrance Thirteen learns what his challenge is: spend a whole night in a haunted house without leaving. Or try not to be killed by a gaggle of evil angels. One of those.

At first Terrance seems to be doing a pretty good job but then he hears creaking on the stairs and a rattle of chains and then he sees the eyes move in the portrait over the fireplace and he says, "G-g-g-g-g-g-ghost!" As he runs out of the haunted house, The Phantom Stranger returns to clear things up and to convince everyone he isn't really a homophobic jerk.

I mean, he is. But he doesn't want everybody believing it!

In the end, The Phantom Stranger is told to forget the haunted house and the evil angels because he's going to be battling The Font in the Sky!

The Phantom Stranger #21 Rating: No change. I really feel like I've gotten a hell of a lot softer as a comic book reviewer over the last few years. This comic was decent enough to hold my interest and nothing about the story or plotting or writing annoyed me. So, you know, good job this month, J.M. and Fernando and Cliff and Gabe. But I feel like I'm not hating on DC Comics enough! I think they've warn down my feisty attitude! That's why I can't wait until this fall when they release the multiple disasters they're going to release! Twat Lobo! Deathstroke by Tony S. Daniel. Klarion the Witch Boy by Ann Nocenti! It'll almost be like the days of Rob Liefeld! Oh the joy! The anger! The unrepentant personal attacks on the family members of the writers and artists merely trying to earn a living! My heart swells with joy at the thought of it all!

Green Arrow #33

I'm having trouble figuring out what the white image is. A profile of Cookie Monster eating a cookie?

Today, my cat Judas sharfed all over himself. That's where you shit and barf at the same time. I'm surprised I was able to clean him up without sharfing myself as well.

The less said about the sharfing incident the better. Let's just read Green Arrow!

Four years ago, Ollie's mother died so he was having a rough time with things for some reason. I think it's because he suddenly had to run the corporation or something. Maybe she still bought his clothes so he was worried about dressing himself. It couldn't be because he loved her because, as a super hero, if he loved her, he'd want to stop cancer from ever happening to anyone ever again! He wouldn't be getting drunk by the pool refusing to do anything but mope. Unless his mother's last words were, "With great power comes great responsibility. Lucky for you, you have no power." Then Ollie stamped his foot and went running from the room crying, and he didn't stop until he found a bottle of whisky and a swimming pool. Didn't stop running, that is. He kept right on crying.

Diggle decided he would have to be Green Arrow for a bit. Does that mean that four years ago is when Diggle humiliated Dick Dragon's father? Dick seemed so young at the time! Is he only seventeen now? I guess that's why he only earned the title "Kung Fu Fighter" as opposed to "Master of Kung Fu" which is the title I really wanted to give him. Must be a Marvel character that's the Master of Kung Fu.

Back in the present, Killer Moth provides evidence that he's earned the title "D-Lister."

Oh no! Two people who can shoot arrows! It's the end of the world!

As Ollie and Emiko flee the scene, Ollie reminds everybody he can find in the past four years that nobody wears the hood except for himself. When did the hood become the iconic bit of Green Arrow? Shouldn't it be the arrow? Or the bow, at least! Maybe even just the color green. I'd argue that the goatee which he doesn't have anymore is more iconic than the hood! It's not like he's Robin Hood! He's not even a fox!

Brick attacks Ollie once more. Brick must be pissed. Red Dart had Ollie dead to rights and then she toyed with him and waited for Brick and Killer Moth to come along. So instead of Green Arrow unconscious and in a sack and ready to be turned in for thirty million dollars, now Brick has about thirty thousand dollars worth of dental bills and facial reconstruction surgery ahead of him.

I think begging like this makes you worse than a D-Lister. Reap what you sow, bitch.

Ollie also takes down Killer Moth while Naomi and Henry arrive to knock out Red Dart. I don't know where they came from. They probably have a tracer on Green Arrow and it was probably mentioned last issue and I went and forgot all about it. Anyway, they help save the day. But now they have to babysit Emiko as Green Arrow takes down Dick Dragon all by himself. Because that's always the best idea. Fuck working together as a team! It's better to go alone!

Actually, I meant that! Green Arrow doesn't want to have to protect these other people. They'll just get him killed! I like to play Safeguard on Call of Duty by myself. That's where you fight never ending waves of bad guys. With the right team of four (and the right map), you can last for as long as you have time to play. But I have one friend that plays with us that counts as negative two people. You constantly have to save his ass as he runs out and takes all the perks and guns and level ups. Then you lose your shit trying to save his ass and then the whole fucking thing collapses and everybody winds up dead in a heap. So I'm with Ollie on this! Alone is better!

Except the flashback seems to be making the opposite argument! I guess alone is only better if you align yourself with incompetent spazzes! Pushing people like Diggle and Roy away just makes fighting crime harder because then you wind up with teammates like Henry and Naomi.

See? They just get in the way! Useless distractions! Also, if I were just shot in the stomach, I'd hope the woman I loved wouldn't scream out my last name.

Green Arrow #33 Rating: No change. In this issue, we learned that only one person wears the hood and that person works alone. I think Ollie is supposed to be learning that he can't work alone and he can't protect everybody. Unless we learned that since he can't protect everybody, he really needs to just work alone. I think we didn't actually learn either of those specifically. I think we're, along with Ollie, supposed to think long and hard on where to go from here and what compromises need to be made. Does he allow Emiko to train with him? Does he rehire Diggle (if Diggle survives the fall)? Does he allow Naomi to work closely with him again? Does he pay for Fyff's burial? Those are the questions we're left with! And in the immortal words of one (or two (unless it was all of them)) Comicsverse reviewer, "It's all very, very interesting and I'm quite interested in seeing what happens next." Maybe that wasn't a direct quote but close enough to every video review I wasted my time watching!

Green Lantern #33

For some reason, I didn't have a problem with Gorin-Sunn being referred to as a "being of pure energy." But now I'm completely upset by beings of living fire!

I don't know why beings of pure energy never upset me. I suppose because a huge fat alien could be considered a being of substantial potential energy, so we're already nearly to the being of pure energy! But a being of fire? I suppose on the home planet it's much like a sun where the beings are simply created from the reactions taking place within and on the surface of the planet. But once one of them separates itself from the whole, how does it continue to survive? Must it be constantly consuming a hunk of charcoal? Is it hooked up to a propane tank? I take it only Gorin-Sunn has left the planet and that's only because the ring somehow supplies him with the energy he needs to keep his reaction going?

I suppose I should simply remember the answer to any question regarding the realism of a comic book is either "fuck you" or "comic books." So there's your answer, Tess! Fuck you!

Currently in Green Lantern, everybody in the universe hates the Green Lanterns. It's the Green Lanterns own fault. Nobody likes a bunch of poncy dicks in sharp uniforms handing out spacewalking tickets for no fucking good reason. So the Durlans decided it was time to overthrow them and take their place. To do that, they've decided to become Daxamites! Because they seem to think being a Superman-wanna-be with a lead allergy is far better than being a shapechanger with an addiction to radioactivity. I guess I can see the pros and cons of both sides.

Hopefully one of the Green Lanterns farts lead fumes.

The Green Lanterns arrive in time to keep the Durlans from devouring Gorin-Sunn's people. They instantly form a wall but keep themselves on the wrong side of the wall. How are they supposed to battle the Durlans like that? Idiots. Hopefully when Mogo arrives, she'll be smart enough to block off the sun just in case the Durlans become Daxamites.

Seeing 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 arrive with the rest of the lanterns, I have to wonder if the appendages on the top of her head are her sexual organs. Does the male of her species have the same number of orifices on his head for her appendages or is she equipped to head-bang multiple men at once?

That last paragraph caused me to ponder something else! If we were to meet an alien species that also consisted of two separate genders that were needed to conceive a child (minus science and magic and God putting his dick where he probably shouldn't have), would we regard the one which carries the child to term as the female? And would we treat the female of the alien species with all the same prejudices with which we treat human women? I'm willing to bet we would just look at an alien species, try to determine which of the sexes had tits, and simply decide that was the female. What if the female's eyes were on her breasts?! Would they have to keep insisting that the men look them in the eyes? "Why do you keep averting your gaze, human male?! Are you trying to engage in deception?!"

I know how we'd be able to tell which aliens were male! When the alien ship landed, whichever aliens high-fived each other would be the males. And fucking douchebags as well.

Oh shit! How can I stay angry at such adorably nonsensical fire children?!

Mogo begins firing bits of Oa That Was down on the heads of the Durlans. That's the best artillery any army has ever had! What is Jim Starlin doing now that Stormwatch ended? Can we get him to write a Mogo vs. Warworld One-Shot? I think only Starlin can do justice to Warworld since he's written it into every fucking story he's ever done!

The plan is to draw the Durlans into a close range fight, so, as usual, I was bitching and moaning before knowing what I was bitching and moaning about. I suppose I just don't trust Hal Jordan ever has a plan that doesn't consist of these steps: "1. Don't think about it too much. 2. Punch things a lot."

I swear I wrote that last paragraph before reading this page. There are worse characters I can be thinking like than Kilowog! He's a smart ape! He is an ape, right? With a cleft palate and alopecia?

Also, don't you look at 2-6-8-1-7-9-5's sex organs in that previous scan! She's my crush! You can't enjoy her as much as I enjoy her! Besides, you wouldn't know what to do with that many head-penises. Unless they're head vaginas. And then you wouldn't know what to do with those either! Hell, I barely know what to do with one of any sexual organ but I'm more than willing to learn what to do with five at the same time!

And then I find out why the Green Lanterns don't need to be on the other side of the wall! Because PB Anj and her Clann are there to begin shooting Durlans in the derriere. I suppose whenever John Stewart arrives, he and his group will be on the other side of the wall as well. But they might not arrive until the battle is nearly lost since this story still has one more chapter that takes place in the next issue of the Green Lantern Corps. I bet the Durlans become Daxamites as this issue ends but John Stewart will have learned the secret weakness of the Daxamite people! That's why he'll be late because he'll have to have stopped off at a plumbing supply center for a bunch of weapons.

Nothing so dramatic happens. Hal's plan works. The Durlans are stopped. They're imprisoned on Mogo while John Stewart and Fatality remain behind on Zezzen to figure out why the fuck there is still one more chapter in Uprising.

Does "heartwrenching" mean Fatality is going to die and PB Anj is going to get her ring?

Green Lantern #33 Rating: +2 Ranking. I might just be an old fucker that's out of touch with modern comic books but I know what I like and what I don't like! I don't usually know why I like something or don't like something though! Probably due to the patriarchy's brainwashing and conditioning me to expect things to be a certain way since no individual can ever actually like something that the cultural majority likes without having to severely question whether or not they actually like that thing or they have been fooled. But I liked this comic book because it made me feel like when I read comic books when I was really young and before I ever bought any or knew anything about their monthly schedules or continuity or anything like that. I could have picked this comic up simply because it was about Green Lanterns and space aliens and a big battle and I would have thoroughly enjoyed it. I probably would have read it over and over again as well. Plus it had little kid creatures!

Superman Unchained #7

Batman's neck would be snapped as soon as Wraith grabbed it. Fucking comic books! Be realistic!

Can you imagine if comic books were realistic? Batman would have died from a gunshot wound after about three or four issues, maybe even sooner. Baby Superman would have starved or asphyxiated out in space in a day or so after being launched from Krypton. Aquaman would have huge gills on the sides of his neck and a huge, disgusting fish mouth. Wonder Woman would have one breast and constantly be kicking Batman's ass. The Flash would have practically disintegrated himself the first time he ran at super speed if he didn't hit a wall first. Hal Jordan would have contracted an alien STD from fucking the corpse of Abin Sur that he found in the desert. Those are just a few of the things that would happen if comic writers thought rationally and realistically about the characters.

I finished my review of Issue #6 with a sarcastic, "See you in three months!" Well, it's been three months! Time for Issue #7!

Well, at least the Fortress of Solitude is back where it belongs.

Superman just saved the world from nuclear annihilation. But he also humiliated Sam Lane's knock-off version of Superman, Wraith, while doing it. What does that mean? Superman must die!

I know most of you are thinking, "Isn't that a little harsh if not a lot illogical? Shouldn't Superman be raised up as a hero?" But here's why you're wrong. You're not thinking with the brain of a high level military man! Winning wars and saving people only counts if the public sees that your dick was the biggest. But with Superman rubbing his supercock all over the faces of the citizens of the world, how is anybody supposed to see Sam Lane waving Wraith's cock about with an American flag on it? Superman's dingus is so impressive that nobody is interested in Wraith's flaccid purple monster. And you know who helped Superman's cock with a huge dong of his own? Batman! So Batman has to die as well!

Don't you wish Jim Lee were drawing my version of the story?! The only problem is that he'd draw so many scribbles on their shafts that they'd be unrecognizable. Everybody would be all, "What is that? Bark? Knotholes? Why is Superman pulling a tree out of his pants?" Although Wonder Woman's penis would be really smooth because she's a woman and Jim Lee doesn't scribble on his ladies.

Lois has no confidence in Superman even though he just saved the entire world.

General Lane doesn't come right out and say that he wants to kill Superman. He pretends he's actually just after the Earthstone and if Superman gives it up peacefully, that will be the end of the conflict. But we all know better! The American Military. The United States Police Force. Any Government Organization. Anybody that wants something that you have! It all comes down to the same thing. They don't want to fight because fighting is dangerous for everybody. So they try to look bigger and harder than they are so that the other person will back down and be really fucking easy to kill. Police, the military, and the government should never be shocked when a citizen doesn't trust them and refuses to give up without a fight because all three of those fucking bastards have too long a history of killing unarmed, innocent people. And it's all because they're filled with fearful men and women that think they have some kind of God given authority over everybody else. Fuck them all. They're not getting my doughnuts.

At least Wraith is honest about what he's doing.

Batman continues to swing his dick as he basically points out to Wraith that he's going to kick his Jeezly Crow ass all over the Batcave and then, when Wraith is unconscious and bleeding, Alfred is going to poo in Wraith's mouth.

I suppose Alfred doesn't even know Batman's hosting a battle down in the Batcave. But I'm sure he realizes it when he hears Batman crash his Batwing down on top of Wraith. Alfred probably just sighs, heads over to the bathroom medicine cabinet, and downs a couple of laxatives. "On my way, Master Bruce."

Next Batman remote control crashes nineteen different Batmobiles into Wraith as they fire off any weapons they have. Batman mentions they're insured but I'm sure that's just a joke. Who would give Batman an auto insurance policy? Wouldn't he need to give some kind of identification or else anybody in a Batsuit could smash the cars up and they'd have to pay. Plus Batman is way too risky! Unless his coverage costs thousands of dollars a year. Perhaps saying they're insured is simply a way to keep his secret identity secret because why would Bruce Wayne need insurance? That shit is practically communism! He wrecks a car, he pays for it out of pocket.

Although Wraith did find Batman in the Batcave so his secret identity might already be fucked.

Back in Antarctica the Arctic, Superman shoves Lois Lane into Super Happy Fun Ball and then marches out in his special armor to destroy a good percentage of the United States of America's citizen's tax money.

Oh Superman. You look ridiculous. And you're, um, missing a leg.

Before Superman really goes ape shit on General Lane, Wonder Woman takes a moment out of her busy schedule to save Batman's ass. Okay, now back to Superman! Where Lois saves his ass!

Also, I guess Wonder Woman's ass saving didn't exactly take since Wraith knocks her and Batman across the room with the dinosaur. Alfred is going to be seriously pissed when he gets a look at this scene. He's going to have to send the giant penny, the dinosaur, and the Joker's playing card out for repairs. Oh, and also nineteen cars and an airplane.

Ugh. Not to mention fixing the new Superman-sized hole in the skylight and the upper floor's floor and the lower floor's ceiling and the lower floor's floor and the Batcave's ceiling and the Batcave's floor.

Superman Unchained #7 Rating: -4 Ranking. I'm lowering the rank for every month this comic book has been delayed this year. Other than that, I'm really enjoying it! It feels outside of continuity which is great since it's schedule is so erratic, it can't be bothered to deal with Lois's psionic ability and Jimmy Olsen's parents' money and Lex Luthor being king of the world and Sam Lane being a senator instead of a General! I prefer comic books that aren't shackled to continuity to tell their tale. Plus this Superman is so much better than the Superman that DC was allowing Scott Lobdell to write for so long. What the fuck was DC Comics thinking?! That has got to be the biggest error any company has ever made ever in forever! Giving their biggest hero to their weakest writer? I'm tempted to boycott DC until the end of time just for making such a fucked up business decision. How do they make any money with decisions like that?! At the very least, it shows a huge disrespect to the Superman fans out there who can't help but buy every single issue of Superman no matter how poorly they're written.

Let me close on a joke since we won't be revisiting this comic book for three more months. What's the main difference between a comic book written by Scott Lobdell and a piece of toilet paper he used to wipe his ass? He's getting paid for the comic book.