Green Lantern #33

For some reason, I didn't have a problem with Gorin-Sunn being referred to as a "being of pure energy." But now I'm completely upset by beings of living fire!

I don't know why beings of pure energy never upset me. I suppose because a huge fat alien could be considered a being of substantial potential energy, so we're already nearly to the being of pure energy! But a being of fire? I suppose on the home planet it's much like a sun where the beings are simply created from the reactions taking place within and on the surface of the planet. But once one of them separates itself from the whole, how does it continue to survive? Must it be constantly consuming a hunk of charcoal? Is it hooked up to a propane tank? I take it only Gorin-Sunn has left the planet and that's only because the ring somehow supplies him with the energy he needs to keep his reaction going?

I suppose I should simply remember the answer to any question regarding the realism of a comic book is either "fuck you" or "comic books." So there's your answer, Tess! Fuck you!

Currently in Green Lantern, everybody in the universe hates the Green Lanterns. It's the Green Lanterns own fault. Nobody likes a bunch of poncy dicks in sharp uniforms handing out spacewalking tickets for no fucking good reason. So the Durlans decided it was time to overthrow them and take their place. To do that, they've decided to become Daxamites! Because they seem to think being a Superman-wanna-be with a lead allergy is far better than being a shapechanger with an addiction to radioactivity. I guess I can see the pros and cons of both sides.

Hopefully one of the Green Lanterns farts lead fumes.

The Green Lanterns arrive in time to keep the Durlans from devouring Gorin-Sunn's people. They instantly form a wall but keep themselves on the wrong side of the wall. How are they supposed to battle the Durlans like that? Idiots. Hopefully when Mogo arrives, she'll be smart enough to block off the sun just in case the Durlans become Daxamites.

Seeing 2-6-8-1-7-9-5 arrive with the rest of the lanterns, I have to wonder if the appendages on the top of her head are her sexual organs. Does the male of her species have the same number of orifices on his head for her appendages or is she equipped to head-bang multiple men at once?

That last paragraph caused me to ponder something else! If we were to meet an alien species that also consisted of two separate genders that were needed to conceive a child (minus science and magic and God putting his dick where he probably shouldn't have), would we regard the one which carries the child to term as the female? And would we treat the female of the alien species with all the same prejudices with which we treat human women? I'm willing to bet we would just look at an alien species, try to determine which of the sexes had tits, and simply decide that was the female. What if the female's eyes were on her breasts?! Would they have to keep insisting that the men look them in the eyes? "Why do you keep averting your gaze, human male?! Are you trying to engage in deception?!"

I know how we'd be able to tell which aliens were male! When the alien ship landed, whichever aliens high-fived each other would be the males. And fucking douchebags as well.

Oh shit! How can I stay angry at such adorably nonsensical fire children?!

Mogo begins firing bits of Oa That Was down on the heads of the Durlans. That's the best artillery any army has ever had! What is Jim Starlin doing now that Stormwatch ended? Can we get him to write a Mogo vs. Warworld One-Shot? I think only Starlin can do justice to Warworld since he's written it into every fucking story he's ever done!

The plan is to draw the Durlans into a close range fight, so, as usual, I was bitching and moaning before knowing what I was bitching and moaning about. I suppose I just don't trust Hal Jordan ever has a plan that doesn't consist of these steps: "1. Don't think about it too much. 2. Punch things a lot."

I swear I wrote that last paragraph before reading this page. There are worse characters I can be thinking like than Kilowog! He's a smart ape! He is an ape, right? With a cleft palate and alopecia?

Also, don't you look at 2-6-8-1-7-9-5's sex organs in that previous scan! She's my crush! You can't enjoy her as much as I enjoy her! Besides, you wouldn't know what to do with that many head-penises. Unless they're head vaginas. And then you wouldn't know what to do with those either! Hell, I barely know what to do with one of any sexual organ but I'm more than willing to learn what to do with five at the same time!

And then I find out why the Green Lanterns don't need to be on the other side of the wall! Because PB Anj and her Clann are there to begin shooting Durlans in the derriere. I suppose whenever John Stewart arrives, he and his group will be on the other side of the wall as well. But they might not arrive until the battle is nearly lost since this story still has one more chapter that takes place in the next issue of the Green Lantern Corps. I bet the Durlans become Daxamites as this issue ends but John Stewart will have learned the secret weakness of the Daxamite people! That's why he'll be late because he'll have to have stopped off at a plumbing supply center for a bunch of weapons.

Nothing so dramatic happens. Hal's plan works. The Durlans are stopped. They're imprisoned on Mogo while John Stewart and Fatality remain behind on Zezzen to figure out why the fuck there is still one more chapter in Uprising.

Does "heartwrenching" mean Fatality is going to die and PB Anj is going to get her ring?

Green Lantern #33 Rating: +2 Ranking. I might just be an old fucker that's out of touch with modern comic books but I know what I like and what I don't like! I don't usually know why I like something or don't like something though! Probably due to the patriarchy's brainwashing and conditioning me to expect things to be a certain way since no individual can ever actually like something that the cultural majority likes without having to severely question whether or not they actually like that thing or they have been fooled. But I liked this comic book because it made me feel like when I read comic books when I was really young and before I ever bought any or knew anything about their monthly schedules or continuity or anything like that. I could have picked this comic up simply because it was about Green Lanterns and space aliens and a big battle and I would have thoroughly enjoyed it. I probably would have read it over and over again as well. Plus it had little kid creatures!