Swamp Thing #33

If I could send one type of plant to Hell, it would be those trees that smell like semen. Why does their plant spooge have to smell so similar to human jizz?! Walking outside in Spring and Summer is often like getting a surprise Bukake.

I watched a video review of an issue of Batman on some comic book site too boring to remember, and I have to wonder how those things are so popular? Is it just because they're easy to view? You can sort of half-listen to them while jerking it to porn? Here's the thing: reading the comic book, which is far more entertaining, takes nearly the same amount of time as hearing some jerk tell you about it while abusing the amount of work the word "very" should actually be doing according to Word Union Standards. The person giving the review said this about Snyder and Capullo's Batman and my brain literally metaphorically went inside-out: "It's very, very classical." I suppose even though it's easier for the viewer to find more stuff about Batman if they get to listen to it while doodling pictures of Batman teabagging The Hulk, it's more difficult for the reviewer to blather on and on about the comic book without suddenly depending on the word "very" to do all of the work. I know I should probably be paying "fuck" time and a half on my blog but fuck fuck. Get a real job, you slacker!

I would have watched more reviews because maybe I just listened to one where the reviewer wasn't totally into it. But I had more important things to do like go meet Super Bobcat for dinner so she could start calling me Nothing Bobcat which just sent me into a huge existential crisis. It didn't help that she decided later that I was more of a "loser Bobcat" and that the best way to tell me was to stick her finger in my face and say, "No! You're Loser Bobcat!"

Super Bobcat and Loser Bobcat.

Loser Bobcat needs a haircut! And jeans that fit! It must be nice to be a leafy green plant man that can look like whatever he wants. It must also be nice to be a head in a jar.

Meanwhile in comic books, Swamp Thing has finally had enough of Lady Weeds and her passive-aggression. Probably because her passive-aggressive attitude finally gave way to aggressive-aggression when she stabbed him in the the face with a knife last issue.

He should have asked her if she's going to keep stabbing him in the face.

Swamp Thing continues to be manipulated by Wolf because Alec Holland is too nice. And now that Lady Weeds has proven more dangerous than Swamp Thing realized, Alec will probably trust Wolf even more. I don't know if this was Wolf's plan all along, to turn himself and Lady Weeds into Good Cop/Bad Cop, but he's going to take advantage of it while he can.

Swamp Thing creates a Mini-Swamp Thing to help him keep an eye on The Green and tells his other kids to stay in the house while he checks up on the world. And then he's off like some poetical image I can't bring myself to say because it's trite and cheesy.

Having Lady Weeds attack Swamp Thing was indeed part of Wolf's plan as was nearly everything in the last few months. He's keeping Swamp Thing off-balance by hiring people to fuck with The Green on a nearly constant basis. In the meantime, he plays up the role of trusting adviser. Eventually, the plan is to install Lady Weeds as the Avatar while Wolf becomes the sole tree in the Parliament of Trees. They just need to find a way to defeat a Plant God and a nearly immortal warrior woman and probably Jonah, the laid back ex-avatar monk.

The final part of Wolf's plan is to have Swamp Thing assaulted constantly by demons. Eventually they'd overwhelm Swamp Thing and his body would be theirs. Too bad he hired a bunch of quitters.

He should have hired Twat Lobo!

Since Wolf's overly intricate, time wasting, fuddy duddy plan failed, Lady Weeds decides it's time to change tactics. She's much more violent and direct. What's needed now is a lot of blood and gore! She should hire Original Lobo!

Turning Wolf into some hideous, bloodthirsty monstrosity is another way to go.

Swamp Thing #33 Rating: No change. Not much to say about Swamp Thing by Charles Soule. It's always one of the top five comic books DC puts out each month. It's so good that it takes me out of my whimsical, goofy commenter persona and into my boring, state the facts ma'am, simple explication persona. Maybe that's why the review I watched was so boring! Because it was about a well written comic book and not a total stinker like Catwoman or anything by Lobdell! I'm going to search their site for a review of a comic book I know is shitty so I can have a properly researched opinion on their abilities as reviewers!

Hmm. Nevermind. I couldn't find any reviews of shitty comics. The closest I got was a review on Superman #30 which the reviewer found "quite interesting" a fair number of times. He also gave it a pass if you're not into Superman which is as close as he can probably say to "Scott Lobdell's writing is terrible" without causing their site to lose their seemingly good relationship with DC Comics. I imagine that's why so many reviews are of very, very decent to very, very well written comic books only. You don't want to shit in the mouth of the hand that feeds you! That's why I feed myself. Because I shit in everybody else's mouths far too often to rely on them to feed me.

Earth 2 #25

Is this one of those find all the differences pictures? Did I accidentally pick up a Highlights for Children?

Why isn't there a comic book out there about me? What's with the lack of representation of me in comic books? I'm getting sick and tired of reading comic book after comic book that doesn't have me as a character. It's bullshit. Stop erasing me! I'm a real life person and human being! I should be represented!

The Duke of Oil from the old Outsiders comic book was almost an exact duplicate of me but then he turned out to be a robot and I'm not a robot. Or at least I'm programmed to think that I'm not a robot. I could be a computer since I don't have a decent method of coming up with random numbers without using some dice or something. I wonder how I can know for certain? Where does one go to take the Voigt-Kampff test?

Currently, Queen Lantern and Hawkcop are busy trying to rescue The Streak starring Jay Gimmick.

If anybody wonders why I call Alan Scott, Queen Lantern, it's because of this. He looks like Flash Gordon from the movie with the Queen soundtrack in nearly every shot, including winged people! Also he's gay and I'm an insensitive bastard.

Val-el over on Amazonia is busy filling in Know-it-all Olsen on his relationship to the previous Superman. It might be a bit confusing how he's related to Supes since he wears the symbol of the House of El and because I keep calling him Val-el when his name is actually Val-zod. It seems that in Earth 2's universe, Zod was a pacifist and a speaker of the truth, especially truths that sometimes get people in trouble with their government so that they wind up in The Phantom Zone. It's a good thing the United States doesn't have a Phantom Zone! It would probably be run by Haliburton. Privatize that shit and you'd make money hand over dick since it can never be filled to capacity! Maybe you can fill it so full that people have to stand inside other people but since everybody is a phantom, that's not a problem.

What?! A mystery Superperson! Maybe it's Beppo! Also, note that in Universe 2, Jor-el's brother was an even shittier scientist than in New Universe. He didn't even save Kara himself in this one!

Queen Lantern and Hawkcop get some help saving The Streak starring Jay Gimmick from Aquawoman and a bunch of Great White Sharks. How come Aquaman never rides Great White Sharks around like the Atlanteans of Earth 2? That's a missed opportunity! Riding Sea Horses around is just a sorry copy of how land dwellers get around! Anyway, they take care of the Parademons while The Streak starring Jay Gimmick goes out on a date with Beguiler.

Jay usually takes things slow on the first date. He usually saves groping at his date's breasts for the second date.

Beguiler disappears and Jay believes he pushed her into infinity because he was a really fucking crappy college student.

Back in Smallville, Flip the Fuck Out Superman points out to his father that he's a useless old man and will be first against the wall when Darkseid arrives so how about buttoning the smart mouth and come have dinner with his girlfriend Tornado Lane. Pa decides to sit down to dinner but he never agrees to buttoning his sassy lips.

Uh oh! It's the cornfield for Pa for sure!

Flip the Fuck Out Superman Omega Beams the fuck out of Pa who disintegrates. I suppose that's one way to get him into the cornfield since he's probably a decent fertilizer now. Ma is embarrassed by her son's behavior and Lois decides that Clark isn't the same man she married. Flip the Fuck Out Superman weeps and cries that he loves Lois in just that special way that abusers go on and on about when they realize they might have crossed the line and are about to lose the person they love...to beat on! But before he can pretend to make it better, he's called off to help out Bedlam, Mister Terrific, Mister Miracle, and Terry Sloan with their Boom Tube: Earth Project.

Boom Tube: Earth is fired up and now there is ONE LAST CHANCE to save the Earth before it's sucked over to take the place of Apokolips in whatever dimension that planet is in. The team split up to save the world with Hawkcop, Replacement Batman, and the World Army heading to CERN to defeat Bedlam and shut off Boom Tube: Earth. Queen Lantern heads out to space to hold the Earth in place. And Val-El goes toe to toe with Flip the Fuck Out Superman.

I don't know why there were two Batmans on the cover.

Earth 2 #25 Rating: +1 Ranking. How many times in DC's history has Superman killed Pa Kent? Can't be a large number, right? Did Heroclix ever release a Pa Kent figure because I'd like to stage this battle myself and see if it could have gone better for Pa. All in all, this title continues to keep me entertained and interested. I like my comic books off the rails like this! Continuity is for jerks!

Aquaman and the Others #4

The Gloved Mist!

Last issue ended with the seeming death of Aquaman! This issue begins with Aquaman looking just fine right there on the cover. I didn't even have to buy the issue to find out if he actually survived! If I were DC, I would have kept him off the cover of Issue #4 and simply called it "The Others." That would have kept fans guessing! I bet even more people would have purchased the comic book too because they'd look at the cover and think, "Cool! Another comic book that doesn't star Aquaman! This should be much better than any book that does star Aquaman!"

This issue is part IV of V. That means there are, what? X issues left?

It must be confusing to learn Roman Numerals and Algebra at the same time. Why am I trying to figure out what X equals?! It's ten!

Now that the Super Bowl is going to stop using Roman Numerals, how are Americans going to learn them?!

Nothing Legend says makes sense. I think that's his super power.

Now that Aquaman has been stabbed but is not yet dead, Legend pulls out the trident and stands around while Sayeh and Aaron put pressure on his wound and try to keep him alive. They're not even worried about the big guy in weird armor that just tried to kill Aquaman who is standing behind them calmly now. I guess since Sayeh didn't have a vision of Legend killing either of them, they have nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, Legend just wants Ya'wara to appear to save Aquaman with her Globe of Transportation so he can steal it from her. Sorry, so he can reclaim that which was once his.

Too bad for Legend, Ya'wara is busy running errands for Vostok-10 and Kahina in the Land of the Dead.

"While we're waiting for the last couple of relics to appear, let me tell you my secret weakness!"

Is it better for a comic book to have the bad guy explain how he can be defeated so that the good guys can defeat him, or would it be better to have the good guys defeat him and afterward have one of them explain how they deduced he could be defeated? I wish more Sherlock Holmes stories had the culprit bragging to Sherlock about how they did it so that Sherlock can catch them and then everybody would be all, "How'd you crack the case, Mr. Holmes?!" And he'd be all, "Elocutionary, dear Watson. Elocutionary." Or whatever.

The stories of Sherlock Holmes were written to be pure homoerotica, right? Was I reading them correctly?

Legend tells even more of his story to ensure that defeating him is easy. The magic is wearing down in his suit of armor and he'll be dead soon if he doesn't forge a new suit of armor out of the Relics' gold. Then he'll be immortal! And ostentatious!

Quit whining! He's only half dead! Take off his pants and get busy. But you probably need to hurry or it's going to get really weird.

While Ya'wara fucks around in the Land of the Dead, iSpy, Sky, and G.I. P.O.W. (GI POW! The lamest American hero!) arrive to save Aquaman's life! While The Others distract Legend and his greatest grandson, GI POW goes to work on saving Aquaman's life.

"Don't worry! I'm not a medic but my imaginary friend is!"

Apparently Smitty the Imaginary Medic advises GI POW to sew up the holes in Aquaman's stomach without worrying about patching up any of his internal organs. I guess the chainmail kept anything serious from being punctured. But if that were the case, why is Aquaman bleeding out from a few holes in his tum-tum?

Ya'wara finally returns from the Land of the Dead. She probably arrived near the other Relics since Legend's greatest granddaughter took them to melt them down. When Ya'wara arrives, she's beset upon by Russian robots that probably wanted to call her a trespasser but the Russian word was too big so they just went with calling her a "violator" or a "breaker" or something. Who knows? I don't speak robot Russian!

Actually, Ya'wara is on the moon in Vostok-Ten's old moon base. I think he took over Eclipso's old haunt once Eclipso realized that the Dark Side of the Moon didn't mean what he thought it meant. She explores for a bit until she discovers the person on the cover.

Except this person doesn't have gloves. And Aquaman isn't here. So maybe this isn't the new teammate seen on the cover! Although this is the last page of the comic book. Comic books are confusing!

At least now we know the "X" in Vostok-X actually was a Roman Numeral! Meet Vostok-II! I mean, Vostok-IX! Or is it Vostok-MM? Fuck it! I'm just calling this guy Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Son of Vostok! Or just Son of Vostok, for sanity's sake.

Aquaman and the Others #4 Rating: No change. I did enjoy this issue more than any of the others! I don't know why though. I think reviewers are supposed to know why something is good or bad or better or worse. But it's possible that this issue was no better than any of the others and I was just in a better mood! Now that's an honest review!

Batwing #33

Lucas Fox discovers David Zavimbe's stash of Dexatrim.

Batwing was slightly interesting for a little bit early on when Judd Winick was writing it. It was probably because he hilariously appended "again" to every outrageous sentence he could think to have David say. "I've gotten my pubes stuck in the bat rocket mechanism! Again!" "A child butcher just chopped off my dog's head! Again!" "The citizens of the Democratic Republic of Congo have been lied to and manipulated by a fascist monster! Again!" The comic didn't last long at slightly interesting and quickly became simply boring for a time. But simply boring was far better than horribly depressing which is what's happened lately with Lucius Fox's family falling apart! Hopefully this will be a one-shot comedic, drug-fueled romp through Gotham so we can forget about Luke's sister's current condition.

Again!

Okay, so it seems to be starting off a little heavy with a disfigured ex-guard telling the story about the most frightening prisoner to ever grace the cells in Blackgate Prison. But isn't that what's keeping the mood light? The tone is too heavy! The situation utterly ridiculous! It's the perfect set-up for a convoluted urban legend to be told. The guard's eyes probably aren't even missing! He probably went to an elementary school carnival earlier in the day to stalk young children and decided to get his face painted. He'll probably end the story by standing up and pulling down the zipper on his fly where he's hidden a half-eaten churro from the fair and he'll yell, "Gruesome George took my penis! He took ALL the penises!"

The story is about a guy named George that was abused by his father and took to fighting because that was how he had earned love from his father. He would saunter around Gotham busting heads and saying, "Daddy! Daddy! Look at me! Your boy! Your champ!" Then he'd saunter around Blackgate's showers going, "Daddy! Daddy! Just look at old Georgie Peorgie! Kickin' ass and makin' girls cry!" Later he sauntered about Gotham Police Headquarters beating cops in the face saying, "Daddy! Daddy! Ain't no man in Gotham tough enough for little old Georgy!" And finally, he didn't saunter around Arkham at all, not saying, "Daddy! Daddy! What the fuck happened? Where am I? Why is there nobody to fight?" He didn't saunter because he was in a straight jacket and he didn't speak because he was fucked up on perconuts and diazazenes! But then he saw Batman on the television and thought, "Daddy! Daddy! I'll take out Batman and you'll finally love me!"

And that's where the homeless guy's story ends and Batwing's story begins. Darn. I was really hoping for the churro ending.

Jesus, Batwing's mom! You're bringing down the whole vibe! Stop making me think about birthday cake that will go unnoticed and uneaten!

I keep wanting to call Tam "braindead" but then I think I'm going to offend everybody and everyone will jump down my throat! "She's not braindead! She's negatively sentient!" "She's currently abstract!" "Tam's taking some intellectual downtime!" It's not that I'm against using sensitive terminology for whoever wants their terminology to be sensitive, it's just that I don't really see a whole lot of use in it. The problem is words aren't inherently negative until a culture begins using them in a negative way. They're simply neutral descriptors to communicate a concept from one person to another. But the commonly accepted neutral descriptor will eventually, over time, begin to be used negatively by certain people to describe people that possess none of the actual qualities being communicated by the neutral descriptors! Over time, the neutral descriptor will have lost all function as a neutral descriptor and tend mostly to be used as an insult. Which means a new neutral descriptor will have to be coined. Of course, people will eventually use the new neutral descriptor in negative ways and sully the neutrality of it as well. So a new word will need to be coined! And so on, and so forth. Now, I don't actually think anybody would be offended if you call somebody that has no brain activity "braindead." But since I often describe people in fraternities as "braindead," I could very well be wrong! Maybe I should just say Tam isn't feeling very well and just leave it at that.

Luke pisses off his mother and father while on the phone with them because he's against his sister Tam not experiencing her party which all her friends will be at and he's decided God sucks so he isn't going to church anymore and he doesn't have a job and isn't enrolled in school. So his mother and father are really fucking disappointed with him. Again!

My literary motif sense is tingling!

I was just making up all of that daddy stuff because it kind of fits and every other character in the DC Universe has daddy issues, so why not Gruesome George. But now I see why Gruesome George is being spotlighted! Because he's trying to attract the love of his daddy by dressing up as a bat and fighting crime! Does that sound like anybody else in this comic book? No, not Tam, you sadistic assholes! Come on, you can guess? Think about who else has been in the comic book so far? Think about whose name is on the cover? That's it! That's it exactly! Batwing! You're right!

Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping! Swiper no swiping!

He's got a fucking point, Batwing. Who gets to say who's allowed in the vigilante club?

Looks like Gruesome George admired Batman not because he wanted to kick his ass but because he realized Batman gets to kick ass every night and stay out of jail at the same time! Is that why Gruesome George needs to be arrested? Because he enjoys what he's doing a little too much? We all know Batman loves it as well! Even if Batman doesn't actually love breaking bones, you know he gets rock hard erections from getting violent criminals off the streets. Gruesome George is basically doing the same thing! I don't think he's any less harmful than the other Gotham City Transit vagrants.

Batwing knocks out Gruesome George and calls the police and emergency medical technicians. He then skedaddles back home to get ready for Tam's birthday tomorrow. I hope he doesn't forget the cake! Again!

After Batwing leaves, the police and EMTs meet Gruesome George's churro eating buddies. And you know what I mean by "churro," right?!

As if Gotham doesn't have enough trouble, now it has to deal with demon goat lizard men?

Batwing #33 Rating: +2 Ranking. Why does this always happen? Whenever DC has cancelled a comic book that I'm not really into, it always picks up and becomes thoroughly enjoyable in its final story arc! Perhaps it frees up the writers to do stories they normally wouldn't feel comfortable doing if the character had to continue on to more adventures. Perhaps it's just freeing because the editors walk away early to work on more pressing projects. Maybe it's just the writers are able to fully concentrate on the story being told and aren't worried about subplots and continuing drama between minor characters. I have no idea! But I finally enjoyed an issue of Batwing! Again!

Batman Loves Superman #12

When did Batman become Ursula?

Tonight is the Fourth of July and I'm wondering, "Should I care?" I mean, I don't mind feeling however it is I happen to feel (which is not bothered by it at all in any way). I'm just wondering what people's arguments would be to try to get me to care when I don't. I suppose those who love it either have some kind of sympathetic, childish attachment to the United States of America or they just love blowing things up. I think patriotism and faith belong in the same rubbish tip. They're basically the same thing. They're attributes that people believe are noble and they're proud to exhibit the traits. But they're far more dangerous than beneficial because they tend to feed differences and breed fear. If you believe patriotism is a good thing then you are, in a roundabout way, defending the World War II German citizens tacit support of Hitler's abominable acts. If you believe faith is a good thing, you sympathize with the passion of those who destroyed the World Trade Centers. I know, I know. Madmen were behind those horrors! But the acts were fueled by tending the patriotism and faith of those who committed them which is done through propaganda and inculcation. I suppose one might feel patriotism seems good if you're a level-headed American and faith is good if you're an upstanding Christian. But anybody exhibiting those traits in an extremely passionate and vehement way are assholes and wrong! Well, actually, I'd agree with you about the anybody else exhibiting those traits extremely passionately and vehemently are assholes and wrong! But I'd just lump the level-headed Americans and upstanding Christians into the same pile because you still just have people acting upon irrational beliefs that are only learned through propaganda and constant repetition. You love your country because you were randomly born within it. And you love your god almost exclusively because its the god your parents loved or its the god most people of your community love. You have to realize that if you were born in another country or under the influence of another religion, you'd think differently than you currently do. You absolutely wouldn't question things and somehow discover Jesus and love America. To think that you would is simply lying to yourself.

Here's the big problem with what I just said from my side of things! Instead of reading the previous paragraph and realizing I'm just expressing a personal argument against faith and patriotism (and a slight, barely supported argument at best! Fuck I'm lazy!), my guess is that most people against what I've said will view my words as a condemnation of people's actions and the belief that those actions should not be allowed. If somebody inferred that from my previous statement, that somebody would be wrong. Go ahead and worship and believe in any of the various gods that people believe in. Support your government wholeheartedly and without question. Do and act however you want! But realize that I can look at what you're doing and think, "Twat." You can act like you're better than me because you believe passionately in something and you have a flag on your lawn and Jesus loves you, and I can act like I'm better than you because I don't fall for twaddle and nonsense. You also have the right to believe I believe in twaddle and nonsense as an atheist and a Situational Individualist. But then I reserve the right to believe you're an uneducated buffoon! Then you can believe that I'm a pretentious, conceited asshole! And I'll believe that ... well, you're probably right on that one. I guess we can agree on some things!

Anyway, Happy 4th of July, America! It could be happier though. I loved the 4th of July as I was growing up because pretty much anything was allowed and every year there were new types of fireworks that created different displays and did crazy shit. At some point though, you've seen every single way to blow something up or to shoot fireballs into the air and it gets a bit old. That's the age when you discover blowing up M-80s in trash cans can make you deaf for a good ten to twenty minutes! Also, fireballs from roman candles make for a fun and exciting game of tag. But eventually, most fireworks were banned in most places (especially on the west coast since, you know, lots and lots of trees) and the fireworks that were left were incredibly dull. The 4th of July does get a resurgence of excitement once you begin drinking though! But even that eventually wears off and then it's just a noisy night that frightens people's pets and grandparents. Maybe we should start a new tradition? Since it's the country's birthday, how about firing cake out of cannons into crowds of spectators? Holy shit! I'd partake of that! Also, if that were a church service, I might believe in your cake cannon God.

I feel sorry for the people that stopped reading me forever before they got to the cake cannon! They're missing out on a brilliant idea!

This issue begins with Batman and Superman finally remembering Issue #1-4 of this same series when they traveled to Earth 2 and saw that Wonder Woman rode a Pegasus. They also remember who caused it all: Kaiyo, Darkseid's jester.

I think Kaiyo wants Darkseid to be defeated, right? So she should be here to help Batman and Superman with whatever they need.

Kaiyo confirms that she was hoping they'd drive off Darkseid so that she could hide out on Earth. But now, in the time honored traditions of Batmite (unless it's Bat-mite with the dash) and Mr. Mxyzptlk (unless it's spelled differently although that would be a different character altogether, wouldn't it?), Kaiyo is going to fuck around with Batman and Superman's lives. She's going to give each of them a chance to change their past. I don't know exactly what they want to change but she insists that's what they wished. I just thought they wanted to travel to Earth 2 to help in the present.

But when Superman and Batman arrive on Earth 2, they're just phantoms, unable to affect anything. And even if it's possible, Batman convinces Superman to merely watch as Earth 2 Superman saves his parents while Lois is killed in Metropolis. If Batman hadn't stopped Superman, Lois could have lived as New Earth Superman saved Ma and Pa Kent! How do I know this? Because Batman later saves Alfred by turning tangible at precisely the right moment.

Sure, Batman! Convince Superman not to fuck with time paradoxes but shit all over your own arguments and wave your dick in the face of a possible time anomaly.

I guess this is why we haven't seen Alfred over in Earth 2! He was supposed to have been killed by a parademon. But now he's been saved because Kaiyo gave Batman a chance to change the past and he took her up on it! Will Alfred now appear in Earth 2? I hope so!

But now Batman knows what will happen when Superman chooses to change something. Now Superman can be prepared to really do some good! But who will he save? What will he accomplish?! I'd probably try an Earth 2 doughnut.

Superman chooses to save Helena Wayne's life just before she and Kara wind up in a Boom Tube to New Earth.

So Alfred has been alive on Earth 2 this whole time thanks to Batman! Unless he was killed by different parademons a few panels later. No, no way! Batman saved him and now he can appear in Earth 2 like I've been waiting for him to do!

This is the most orderly and elegant version of time travel, the "Whatever Happened, Happened" theory. It's a bit constricting if you want to tell a really wildly fun tale of time travel but it can make for a really great story as well. Timecrimes chooses this route when dealing with time travel and it's a fantastic movie that thoroughly pleased my Time Travel Jones.

Anyway, Kaiyo isn't a huge fan of the decisions Batman and Superman made. She calls them sentimental when what she really wanted was ruthless. So she takes them back to New Earth with a clean slate, whatever that means. I guess I'll find out in Issue #13.

Batman Loves Superman #12 Rating: No change. This was a nice little story that feels like a one shot but is apparently going to continue next issue for some reason. I'm glad that Alfred was shown being saved so that we know he's alive and kicking somewhere on Earth 2. No way Greg Pak would have written that scene if we're just supposed to believe that Alfred is ripped apart by more parademons a few panels later. At least I won't believe that even if he never appears in Earth 2! I'll continue to believe he's still backpacking through Thailand sampling hallucinogenic teas and banging anything that moves.

Justice League 3000 #8

The Flash must be done dying indiscriminately now that he's in the body of Teri. Unless it's Terry.

The JL3k Gang have returned to Cadmusworld where DNA meets other DNA to form different DNA! Just like what happens in uteruses all over the universe! Unless that happens in fallopian tubes all over the universe! It probably happens more often just spread out in large bodies of water where sentient creatures swim and gather it in their mouth to spit on their friends who splashed a whole bunch of DNA in their faces mere moments before. Sometimes DNA doesn't even need other DNA to form different DNA! Although that makes it harder to form different DNA when you only have the one DNA to start with. At that point, you're just praying for a mutation that will make your child cooler than you were in hydra junior high. Although I guess if you reproduce asexually, there's practically no reason to be cool! Or good looking! Or ambitious! Or to have a great looking car! Or to wear low cut shirts and high cut skirts! Or to not play Dungeons & Dragons!

It turns out Firestorm 3000 did betray the JL3k Gang last issue except nobody realized it because Terry's betrayal was a bit more in your face what with killing The Flash and his own sister. Firestorm 3000 simply agreed to become a freelance super hero working for The Fatal Five when they need somebody that can transmute one non-organic thing into some other non-organic thing. Oh, and Locus is busy doing something else so she can't be bothered. The rest of the JL3k Gang act surprised because they're all idiots.

Who calls you weapons? The Justice League? And why would they? I already hate the New Teen Titans!

Unless Ariel Masters works with Terry the Evil Wonder Twin, he threatens to kill the Justice League and resurrect them and kill them and resurrect them over and over again until she gives in. She gives in immediately which seems like a dumb idea to me. It can't be cheap resurrecting super heroes! Maybe she can bankrupt Cadmusworld by not giving in! Although she probably doesn't want to be responsible for all of the innocent people used in the resurrection process. Maybe pretending to give in is the best choice for now. Although she might as well kick him in the balls at least once. It's not like he's going to kill her for acting out.

Locus and Convert check out the Cadmusworld DNA vaults where they keep the DNA of nearly every super hero that ever lived. Hopefully they have a sample of Ambush Bug's DNA. This would be the perfect comic book for his first appearance! But right now, Locus is only interested in one batch of ancient jizz.

Hal Jordan is so lucky. Le sigh.

Did you know that when people say "DNA," they don't always mean "semen"? They just mean like skin cells and hair and stuff! I always thought when they were swabbing a person's mouth for DNA, it was because they were collecting leftover semen from the party the night before! I hope most people don't equate DNA with semen. That way when I tell them I always leave DNA in every room I'm in, they don't realize what I really mean.

Currently, the JL3k Gang aren't thinking about semen but escape. I'm going to create an App called "Semen Butt Escape." If this were thirty years ago, it would be the name of my Punk Rock band. But times change! Remember how everybody used to think DNA meant semen?

That's not a big sword! It might be considered wide or fat but definitely not big. I already hate the new Suicide Squad.

Green Lantern's powers are beginning to act a lot like Locus's powers. Is it possible she loved him so much that she changed reality so that his Green Lantern powers are more like hers? Whatever is going on, Green Lantern is acting a lot more like Hal Jordan than any of the other JL3k Gang are acting like their non-super hero identity counterparts. He's got a can do attitude and wearing a save the day smile! Hal thinks his powers are simply enhanced by future technology. He's probably wrong. Hal might be good at beating stuff up to save the day but he's not very good at actually dissecting a problem and figuring out what's actually going on. Why should he when he can usually win the day through brute force and sheer willpower?

But that's why Hal needs the Justice League! So they can figure out the more complex problems. Well, that's why Hal needs...hmm, you know what? I can't think of one of the Justice League that doesn't constantly rely on excessive force from battle to battle. Sometimes Wonder Woman uses hugs but I don't think that's going to work this time. And Batman uses subterfuge but that's generally to just get him close enough to use excessive force. So now the JL3k Gang are using subterfuge because Hal has freed them from constant surveillance. Now they just need to get close enough to the Fatal Five to play their excessive force card! But they'll have to do it quick, so they need a new Flash! Luckily, they now have one.

This Flash is much better than the Barry Flash.

Justice League 3000 #8 Rating: No change. Now that Ariel Masters can mix and match DNA, the JL3k Gang needs to kill Locus so they can incorporate her semen into themselves and they'll all have reality changing powers! That's how it works, right? Who wants to waste their time with lame powers like super speed and super strength and super brooding when you can have Make A Wish powers! Just imagine! You can create and eat all the candy and pudding you want and never have to get so fat that you can't leave your house! Not that you'd have any reason to leave your house if you had Make A Wish powers. I would wish to be immortal and eternally young and invulnerable and eternally healthy and sometimes I'd wish I were a woman and sometimes I'd wish I were a man and sometimes I'd wish I were a cat! Although if I wished I were a cat, I'd probably forget that I had Make A Wish powers because look! A string! It must die!

Action Comics #33

This is an odd cover for the Doomed storyline. Did my comic book store give me a variant?

I just asked Lord Google what the actual cover of Action Comics #33 looked like and this wasn't it. I think I got a Chinese bootleg copy! I bet the interior will just be random pages from Rise of the Supermen comic books from the nineties!

Once again, the reader is updated on the story by Lois Lane who really sounds like she doesn't give a shit if Superman never comes back to Earth. That Brainiac virus she picked up is really turning her into a huge asshole. I can't wait until that story line finishes so Lois Lane can get back to being regular old Lois Lane. Maybe she'll accidentally pass through that floating, heavenly door in the sky and it will cure her of her psionic powers.

The people of Smallville are all still in comas because of Lois Lane and her assholedom I mentioned earlier. But never fear, nearly dead people of Smallville! Lana Lang, Electrical Engineer, has figured it all out! She's used her special Electro-whatsits to figure out that the brainwaves of the Smallvillains are being projected into space. And now she's going to use her Electrical Engineering Degree to fly a spaceship into deep space, follow the trajectory of the brain waves to their destination, and kick the ass of whatever is receiving the brain waves! Fucking Goddamn Shit! I wish I'd gone into Electrical Engineering!

Superman loves smashing anything made by the American military.

Lana Lang isn't flying into space alone. She has Steel to pilot the spaceship for her. But he's not smart enough to read her Brainwave Sensitivity Meters. So she obviously has to come along to point Steel in the right direction so that he knows who to hit with his hammer when they arrive.

Meanwhile Superman has flown away from Earth in the wrong direction. He's headed to the asteroid belt to beat up asteroids thinking that losing himself in his rage would help cure the rage infection. I know Superman isn't the smartest of DC's heroes but I think he's a little bit smarter than this! You're supposed to go the other way, dumb dumb! To the sun! The sun makes Superman more powerful! That means Superman can fight the infection better! If the Kryptonite could dull Superman so that Doomsday could take over, more yellow sunlight should strengthen Superman so that he could take over! Man, Zatanna should have been called in to switch Batman and Superman's bodies. Batman would be far better at dealing with this situation than Superman.

Come to think of it, Zatanna should have been called in to just say, "Eruc namrepus!" Problem solved!

Are you trying to get your cousin killed, Superman?! Earth's atmosphere is full of Kryptonite! Dick!

Supergirl leads Superman to a planet of lizard people back in Krypton's home solar system. A moon inhabited by the Char is about to explode and she thinks Superman will remember that he's a hero and save the Char. I guess the Char weren't all wiped out by Zod when he was trying to teach the Kryptonians that living in fear and committing genocide keeps a race of people strong!

I forgot to mention, seeing as how the moon was coming apart, that The Eradicator was probably behind it. And some guy with a scarf over his face that warned the Charlinians that he would be back is telling the Char "I told you so." I think that might be The Eradicator but I don't really remember what he looked like. Remember, he was part of the Return to Krypton story arc and I've repressed that memory as best I could.

Superman gets into a battle with The Eradicator and with himself. He's sick and confused and wondering why this kind of shit always happens to him. He's the strongest person in both Marvel and DC and he's constantly getting his fucking ass kicked. It seems unreasonable! How can every Marvel Fan that says they don't like DC because their heroes are too strong be wrong? I mean, they should be right! Superman should be unbeatable! I suppose that's why he's got to deal with this Doomsday thing. He has to come to terms with being the most powerful being in all the comic universes and the responsibility that goes with that. If he can't keep everybody safe from himself then he can't exist. This battle with Doomsday inside himself, this battle to keep himself in control, is a battle to keep everybody in the universe safe.

Or it's just another bullshit story to show that Superman has a tough time just like everybody else. "But I have problems too," he whines to Batman as Batman ages and gets arthritis and slowly loses himself in early onset dementia. Meanwhile Superman stays fit and trim and young and only gets more and more powerful every year. "Ugh. Kryptonian People Problems," coughs Batman as he begins looking under the chair for his cowl which is still on his head.

Lana uses her Extra Advanced Electrical Engineering Degree and the gadgets she created with her superior knowledge of Electrical Engineering to discover the person behind the entire plot: Lois Lane! It really helps that she developed faster than light communication devices that work with bluetooth compatible headsets.

And then Cyborg Superman and his fleet of gigantic alien piranha sperm pass over Steel and Lana's spaceship on their way to Earth. Things are really getting complicated! I guess that's why I'm going to have to read two fucking Annuals that tie into this story. Stupid Goddamned Annuals! Eat a dick!

Action Comics #33 Rating: +1 Ranking. I like how everything is coming together, even the stupid fucking Lois Lane is now a psychic powerhouse bullshit. It feels like Brainiac giving her power finally works in the context of a story instead of it just being a fanciful idea Scott Lobdell came up with while sniffing a dingleberry he just pulled out of his ass crack.