Justice League 3000 #8

The Flash must be done dying indiscriminately now that he's in the body of Teri. Unless it's Terry.

The JL3k Gang have returned to Cadmusworld where DNA meets other DNA to form different DNA! Just like what happens in uteruses all over the universe! Unless that happens in fallopian tubes all over the universe! It probably happens more often just spread out in large bodies of water where sentient creatures swim and gather it in their mouth to spit on their friends who splashed a whole bunch of DNA in their faces mere moments before. Sometimes DNA doesn't even need other DNA to form different DNA! Although that makes it harder to form different DNA when you only have the one DNA to start with. At that point, you're just praying for a mutation that will make your child cooler than you were in hydra junior high. Although I guess if you reproduce asexually, there's practically no reason to be cool! Or good looking! Or ambitious! Or to have a great looking car! Or to wear low cut shirts and high cut skirts! Or to not play Dungeons & Dragons!

It turns out Firestorm 3000 did betray the JL3k Gang last issue except nobody realized it because Terry's betrayal was a bit more in your face what with killing The Flash and his own sister. Firestorm 3000 simply agreed to become a freelance super hero working for The Fatal Five when they need somebody that can transmute one non-organic thing into some other non-organic thing. Oh, and Locus is busy doing something else so she can't be bothered. The rest of the JL3k Gang act surprised because they're all idiots.

Who calls you weapons? The Justice League? And why would they? I already hate the New Teen Titans!

Unless Ariel Masters works with Terry the Evil Wonder Twin, he threatens to kill the Justice League and resurrect them and kill them and resurrect them over and over again until she gives in. She gives in immediately which seems like a dumb idea to me. It can't be cheap resurrecting super heroes! Maybe she can bankrupt Cadmusworld by not giving in! Although she probably doesn't want to be responsible for all of the innocent people used in the resurrection process. Maybe pretending to give in is the best choice for now. Although she might as well kick him in the balls at least once. It's not like he's going to kill her for acting out.

Locus and Convert check out the Cadmusworld DNA vaults where they keep the DNA of nearly every super hero that ever lived. Hopefully they have a sample of Ambush Bug's DNA. This would be the perfect comic book for his first appearance! But right now, Locus is only interested in one batch of ancient jizz.

Hal Jordan is so lucky. Le sigh.

Did you know that when people say "DNA," they don't always mean "semen"? They just mean like skin cells and hair and stuff! I always thought when they were swabbing a person's mouth for DNA, it was because they were collecting leftover semen from the party the night before! I hope most people don't equate DNA with semen. That way when I tell them I always leave DNA in every room I'm in, they don't realize what I really mean.

Currently, the JL3k Gang aren't thinking about semen but escape. I'm going to create an App called "Semen Butt Escape." If this were thirty years ago, it would be the name of my Punk Rock band. But times change! Remember how everybody used to think DNA meant semen?

That's not a big sword! It might be considered wide or fat but definitely not big. I already hate the new Suicide Squad.

Green Lantern's powers are beginning to act a lot like Locus's powers. Is it possible she loved him so much that she changed reality so that his Green Lantern powers are more like hers? Whatever is going on, Green Lantern is acting a lot more like Hal Jordan than any of the other JL3k Gang are acting like their non-super hero identity counterparts. He's got a can do attitude and wearing a save the day smile! Hal thinks his powers are simply enhanced by future technology. He's probably wrong. Hal might be good at beating stuff up to save the day but he's not very good at actually dissecting a problem and figuring out what's actually going on. Why should he when he can usually win the day through brute force and sheer willpower?

But that's why Hal needs the Justice League! So they can figure out the more complex problems. Well, that's why Hal needs...hmm, you know what? I can't think of one of the Justice League that doesn't constantly rely on excessive force from battle to battle. Sometimes Wonder Woman uses hugs but I don't think that's going to work this time. And Batman uses subterfuge but that's generally to just get him close enough to use excessive force. So now the JL3k Gang are using subterfuge because Hal has freed them from constant surveillance. Now they just need to get close enough to the Fatal Five to play their excessive force card! But they'll have to do it quick, so they need a new Flash! Luckily, they now have one.

This Flash is much better than the Barry Flash.

Justice League 3000 #8 Rating: No change. Now that Ariel Masters can mix and match DNA, the JL3k Gang needs to kill Locus so they can incorporate her semen into themselves and they'll all have reality changing powers! That's how it works, right? Who wants to waste their time with lame powers like super speed and super strength and super brooding when you can have Make A Wish powers! Just imagine! You can create and eat all the candy and pudding you want and never have to get so fat that you can't leave your house! Not that you'd have any reason to leave your house if you had Make A Wish powers. I would wish to be immortal and eternally young and invulnerable and eternally healthy and sometimes I'd wish I were a woman and sometimes I'd wish I were a man and sometimes I'd wish I were a cat! Although if I wished I were a cat, I'd probably forget that I had Make A Wish powers because look! A string! It must die!

Justice League 3000 #6

Inna future, Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis write all of da comic books because dey write the best knock knock jokes!

Knock knock!
Knock knock?
Knock knock!
Oh! Who dere?
Knock knock!
WHO DERE?!
Da mailman!
Is dere pizza?
Pizza who?

Inna future, comic books has no words because they are projected right into our brains!

Inna future, da Earth was taken over by da monkeys! But dey cibilization cowwapsed because dey couldn't get not thing done because evverbudy was always pointing at dem and saying, "Wook at da cwute monkey!" So den Earth became a prison planet and evverbudy stopped pointing and shut up so they wud not get shivered in the showers.

Inna future, dere is no crime because der is no things to steal! You can't steal informations! Oh yeahs! Inna future, everyting is informations!

Inna future, alls we has is funs!

Inna future, da Jussus Leeg has ta fight da living compooter named Coeval! All of da bad guys, inna future, are compooters. None of us babies can commit crime because we don't not ever leave da big baby room! We don'ts needs ta ever leave because we just tink da thing and the thing happens. If we needs to poopsies, we tink, "I needs ta poopsies!" And den da compooter teleports da poopsies out of our stomachs and into Phoenix because Phoenix is where we keep all of our poopsies now. Inna future, nobody is souprised by this cause even in da past, Phoenix was full of poopsies. Inna future, we calls da racists poopsies!

Inna future, dere are no racists! Except for dat one compooter. But nobody likes dat compooter because he is a dick.

Dis is jus like da future! How dey know? Nobody nevered visited Keef Kitten and Jim Dematties by transportal televisions!

Inna future, ours parents is a lot like Coeval! Day has no hearts because dey are compooter programs! Inna future, we have no smarts phones because we practically are smarts phones! One days inna past, a science man thought, "Whys we gottsa always be touching scweens ta get da infomations dat we never learned at da schoolings and never was curious ta learns on our ownsies because wes were too busy tryings ta be famous on da Murica's Top Idols? Touching scweens takes too long!" So da scientist man mades us all inta smart phones so we never had ta know nothing ever. We jus go, "Hewwo, fwiend!" And our fwiend goes, "Hewwo!" And den we says, "Did you hear da word 'servile'? I wonder what dat means?!" And den we both go, "Oh! Dat's what it means!" Because remember inna future, you juss tink stuff and den you know it!

Inna future, nobodys heart does go on and on because dere is no need for love. Da compooters makes all of da babies in da matter rematterer. It is located in Phoenix. But sometimes we still gets crushes ons each other. But inna future, we all looks alike so sometimes we gets crushes on mirrors.

Inna future, nobwody looks like Locus! Looking at her makes me hungry for yoguht!

Inna Jussus Leeg 300000, da Jussus Leeg have been taken to a virtual space so dat Coeval can talk to dem directly. Inna future, dere is no difference between reality and virtual reality. Inna future, da Matrix is a comedy. Why do they care what level of reality is real? If you can't never tell, you juss stop worryings about it. Are wes all in a compooter simulation? Inna future, nobody philosophizes because what ifs are only relevant in Knock Knock jokes. Inna future, if dere is anudder reality underneath da big baby compooter room, why does it matter? Inna future, we has everyting we needs in da big baby compooter room! Inna future, somebody sometimes says, "But don'ts we wants to know the troof?" And den everabuddy laughs and laughs and farts and laughs. Inna future, dat is always a good Knock Knock Joke.

Inna future, sometimes a compooter makes a gwammatical mistake. But since we get all our information from da compooters, it isn't a mistake. If a compooter says "a opportunity" enough times, den dats what it becomes! And we dun never knowed the difference because we gets all our information from da compooters!

Inna future, da Flash doesn't make any speed punses! Cadmusworld must not be very good at recreating peoples. Inna future, wes are all jus clones of da same peoples because individual genes don't matter. Inna future, wes all knows the same stuff because we knows nothing but we has access to everyting! But wes don't need to know it all the times so we just tell Knock Knock Jokes and eats da yoguhts until we needs ta know someting. Den, inna future, we's jus says, "Compooter? What's da squared roots of Huckleberry Finn?" And da compooter tells us and den we tells our friends and pretends like we'd knowed the answer the whole time. Inna future, we are all very impressed by each other.

Inna future, Gween Lantern isn't dead at all! He's been faking it. Inna future, nobody dies. At least we don't tink nobody dies. Inna future, it's hard to tell because we all looks alike and nobody can count very high. But inna Jussus Leeg, Gween Lantern is going to rescue the other Jussus Leeg members because he's not dead and not a piece of jewelry either! So he bweaks the Jussus Leeg out of Virtual Reality Jail and saves da day! Or at least creates the morning that will allow the Jussus Leeg to save the rest of the day. Inna future, we has no morning! Aldough all wes eat is breakfast foods wit yoguht. So maybe all the day is the morning part of day!

Jussus Leeg 300000 #6 Rating: Inna future, we don't never rate anything as better or worse than anything else. Everyting jus is da ting dat it is and dat's dat!

Justice League 3000 #5

Did Firestorm take the death of two volunteers to resurrect?

As I type this, it is one hour away from my comic book store opening on New Comic Book Wednesday. The only other comic books left in my stack to read are two issues of Worlds' Finest which I'm saving to read until Batman Loves Superman #9 comes out. If you don't know why, I won't bore you with another of DC's major fuck ups.

This issue begins slightly differently than last issue ended. Don't worry, it's all explained by the characters.

I have a better explanation. Firestorm gets his powers from the Slash Fiction Matrix. So when he was first resurrected, he was immediately confronted with Barry Allen's tight, naked ass. He was very excited to enter the fight with naked Barry. But then Firestorm jizzed in his pants and the desire to kiss and cuddle Barry left him immediately and now he just wants to watch some television.

The cover of this issue still says Howard Porter but by the end of the first page, I found myself thinking, "Did Howard Porter have a stroke?" Don't worry, Howard Porter fans! This issue simply has a couple of guest artists: Raymund Bermudez and Wayne Faucher. They draw Terry and Teri horribly. I hope they try harder when they draw my sweetheart Locus!

Last issue I figured Batman would request to never be resurrected if he happened to die since it would cost another volunteer their life. This issue, Barry makes that request first! But not for any ethical or philosophical reasons. No, he just doesn't want to hear The Wonder Twins argue with each other anymore.

Meanwhile on Monkey Prison Planet Earth, the JL3k Gang and their Scientist Mother are busy running from every inmate on the planet. The Convert (who is probably Aquaman 3000!) has possessed them all. Now they want to do that stereotypical thing that inmates love to do to fresh fish. That thing that people like to make jokes about but it isn't funny at all. You know what I'm talking about! Shake hands and welcome them to hell!

Don't forget he probably also has vestiges of the personality that inhabited the body before it was injected in the ass with Batman's DNA. Oh wait! That's what inmates like to do to Fresh Fish!

In another part of Earth That Was, Superman and Wonder Woman are fighting with the Goddess Kali. She asks Wonder Woman to join The Five and take over the universe because Kali is horrible at math. Wonder Woman refuses because she thinks the Hindu Pantheon is beneath her. Maybe. Okay fine. I just made that up. She actually acts offended for the Hindu Gods that this person took the name Kali. Lay off, Wonder Woman. You don't have to be offended for other people just to seem righteous and intelligent.

The battle with Kali takes a back seat to Superman and Wonder Woman flirting. Unless it isn't flirting at all. It could be sexual harassment. But I wouldn't know since I usually just crack jokes at the bad eighties hair and clothing instead of paying attention to the corporate message whenever I've been sexually forced to watch a Sexual Harassment Video by Human Resources.

The Five have a huge tactical problem. The Convert controls people to use for his own devices. But Kali sucks the life force out of people to use for her own devices. So sending these two to battle side by side kind of forces one of them out of the action, doesn't it? I think they need to bring in a sixth with a degree in Tacticsology.

Even old New New York was once New York. Why they changed it, I think I can say. Because apes took over the planet and destroyed it and made it into a prison planet because they liked it better that way!

The JL3k Gang are almost defeated but The Flash arrives in the nick of time to save them all! You would think because he has super speed that he would have arrived before the nick of time.

Firestorm has also arrived which horrifies Ariel Masters, the brain behind the Justice League Resurrection Program at Cadmus, because he gets his powers from the Slash Fiction Matrix and this comic book is only Teen Rated. So either he's going to be powerless because his main power uses penis on ass action, or he's going to have to wait to save the day until next issue when DC can raise this comic's rating level to XXX Triple Mature Gay Action.

With Firestorm giving her a breather, Wonder Woman has time to come up with a new plan to defeat Kali: The Fastball Special! But before she can worry DC's lawyers, The Flash pulls her and Superman out of the fight. He's brought a method of retreat with him and the JL3k Gang have decided that they've had enough. Plus they should probably turn their attention to rescuing Green Lantern from my sweet Locus.

Firestorm decides to stay behind which is probably a good thing as Ariel explains to the JL3k Gang.

But they don't want to leave behind such a sexy, powerful weapon. I hope he explodes all over their faces.

Stupid Flash does as he's told right before we almost get a decent example of the Slash Fiction Matrix at work!

Then Flash ruins it all by kidnapping him! Jerko!

Barry saves Kali's life only to find that they can't escape the planet because their Transversal (their means of exit) has been possessed by Coeval. So now they're all back to square the beginning square. But at least The Flash and Firestorm are by their sides. And Locus never appeared so her perky cuteness couldn't be ruined by Beermudez and Faucher. I'm not criticizing their art so much as I'm saying Howard Porter knows what he's doing when it comes to drawing adorable. So maybe I am criticizing their art a bit.

Justice League 3000 #5 Rating: No change. This issue had lots of fighting and more fighting with some jokes and other jokes. It also showed Superman 3000 acting a bit human. They all seem to be concerned about the way they were brought back to life. So even though Barry has returned with evidence that the JL3k Gang keep their memories right up to the point they're killed, none of them are going to want to be killed since it would mean the death of another innocent if they were to be brought back to life. I like that they have a means to be resurrected but it is by no means an easy decision. They have to weigh the cost between killing a volunteer for the cause and how many people can be saved by the sacrifice. Perhaps whenever the initial action dies down, they'll be able to sit around a table and discuss the ethics of the situation with Teri and Terry.

And that's it! 10:55 AM! I caught up! I can relax for five whole minutes! Which is probably the amount of time it'll take to upload the scans and fix up the directories. Damn it!

Justice League 3000 #4

My girl here can shape reality. So she's about to bang Green Lantern 3000 in the ass. God I love her.

I just read last issue so I don't have to remind myself what happened!

Last commentary, I guessed that the only two members of The Five that have not been revealed were Validus and Aquaman 3000. This issue begins by reminding me that one of The Five is called "The Convert." But don't worry! I didn't screw up! I just forgot about my theory that The Convert was actually Aquaman 3000! He just had to change his name because a guy that controls fish isn't worth a damn in outer space. But Aquaman 3000 probably forgot that he could only telepathically control sea creatures and now he goes around controlling humans instead. Hopefully he also forgot that he was the lamest hero in the DC Universe!

Oh, don't roll your eyes at me! I'm a Master Comic Book Reader! And if I say Aquaman is lame then Aquaman is lame! It's an objective fact thoroughly researched by a near Grandmaster Comic Book Reader (that'd be me! Just a few more levels!)! The only people that don't think Aquaman is lame are people who love underdogs (which, by the way, doesn't earn him points towards not being lame) and thrive on telling other people why they're complete idiots and that Aquaman is more than a guy that talks to fish. Yes, he is. But it doesn't make him interesting. Sure, I was tricked into thinking that The New 52 Aquaman was a terrific character for a few issues! But then I realized we were getting the exact same Aquaman stories we always got! Talking to fish. Dueling Black Manta. War with Atlantis. War with the surface. Battling whalers.

Also, never mind the fact that I have the Aquaman Series ranked as one of the Top Ten Comics of The New 52! There's bound to be an odd discrepancy or two in such a complex system! Seriously! I hate Aquaman! The fact that I'd recommend picking up his series doesn't change that fact at all!

And don't bother reading any of my Aquaman commentaries because they'll just piss you off. It's just a lot of "Aquaman can go eat a whale's ass for all I care" and "Why doesn't Aquaman just swim straight down a Great White's throat?" and

10 PRINT "FUCK AQUAMAN"
20 GOTO 10"

and "Once again, Aquaman manages to bore me into eating my own feces." That's probably the kind of stuff you don't want to read. So I don't recommend reading any of them. Ever.

Well shit. I guess I'll have to fucking change my terminology, won't I?!

I'd just like to point out that I'm not drunk and taking pictures of the comic with a camera phone nor am I scanning them helter-skelter. The panel layouts in this comic book are atrocious! Was it Howard Porter that I suggested needed to buy a T-Square when drawing Demon Knights? Maybe. Although it also could have been Chad Hardin. One of those guys! But obviously Howard Porter needs to lay off the Thunderbird when doing the layouts.

Terry (or Teri. Whichever one is the female Wonde...um, half of the scientific work team) is flipping the fuck out because Locus killed The Flash 3000. That wasn't supposed to happen. But Teri (or Terry!) points out that they can just clo...create a new Barry Allen from the samples of DNA they have lying around. Hmm. That seems an awful lot like the C-word. I guess I'm just too stupid to understand scientific processes.

Oh my God! I would like this comic book so much more if they were cupcakes!

Ariel keeps muttering about lives being lost due to the Justice League. And the Wonderful Twins mentioned that the Justice League volunteered for the job. So it seems like regular people are volunteering to have the Justice League's minds and DNA imprinted over their bodies. This is probably what causes some of the anomalies in the personalities, like how Wonder Woman is way bloodthirstier than she's ever been (although Geoff Johns' Wonder Woman comes pretty close) and Superman is a moronic douche. That also means that Giffen and DeMatteis can have a hell of a lot of fun with these characters as they kill one every few issues only to bring back an alternate version that has yet another personality quirk! Man, I hope that's the case. If it's not, I just got really excited about this comic book to only wind up really disappointed over this comic book in a few pages.

She explains the process in-depth on a previous page but that page was all scientific and technical and boring! This page had all the pathos! And ethos! And logos!

Once Ariel makes her shocking revelation, the Sheriff reveals that he's currently being borrowed by The Convert. The JL3k Gang are screwed! Plus the reader has been screwed because this comic book hasn't been about Locus at all! Stupid cover. Kali appears though. And she is modeled after the Hindu Goddess of Change or Time or Destruction. Those are all pretty much the same thing. I thought she might be the Goddess of Surf and Sun but no luck.

Hal, you idiot! She totally wants you! Although I'm glad you're not into it because I'd get mighty jealous watching you touch my sweetheart with your disgusting, dead-person's tongue.

Now that Green Lantern has his magic cape back, he can escape! Although it doesn't make any sense! He's called Green Lantern but his power derives from his cape! That's so stupid! It's as if Giffen and DeMatteis have never read a Green Lantern comic book where he uses a...oh. Yeah. A cape works just fine!

Hal gets his power back but he's still a teeny tiny person that smells like he recently passed through an adorable colon. So instead of fighting Locus, he decides to run. Which doesn't go over too well with my baby.

You know, Locus, I'm kind of on Hal's side in his decision to leave. You are the one that refused to let him hang out with his best friend by murdering his best friend in the most grisly way possible. This break-up is kind of on you, hon.

Locus prefers break-ups to be final. None of this circling around the matter repeating the same shit over and over again, Jeff-and-Melanctha-style. Locus rips Green Lantern's magic cape from his body so that he'll suffocate in the vacuum of space.

Now that I've had time to think it over, you were right to keep Hal from Barry, Locus! You were also correct in your decision to kill Hal. That was a very good decision, Locus. Very good! You always do the right thing, don't you Locus? Yep! Locus always knows what's best, doesn't she?!

Back at Cadmus, Barry Allen is resurrected inside the body of another volunteer. He also gets to keep his memories of his previous resurrection. So basically the Justice League are playing a reality video game which allows them to respawn with their memories intact after they've been killed. And it appears Cadmus has more DNA samples than just the Big Five.

I bet somebody "accidentally" misplaced the Aquaman DNA.

Justice League 3000 #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. I think this is a pretty good concept for a futuristic version of the Justice League. They may be able to keep being resurrected but their is a price to pay for doing so. Now that Batman knows the truth, he'll probably demand that he never be resurrected again if he dies. Otherwise he's responsible for a person's death. Although Cadmus isn't above being completely underhanded, so I'm sure they'll just resurrect Batman with his memories before he found out the truth. We have seen that The Wonder Twins have some qualms about the process as well, so I doubt it will be treated as a never ending supply of Justice League members. Although I won't mind if it's used that way! As long as they don't bring back Condor or Green Arrow!