Swamp Thing #33

If I could send one type of plant to Hell, it would be those trees that smell like semen. Why does their plant spooge have to smell so similar to human jizz?! Walking outside in Spring and Summer is often like getting a surprise Bukake.

I watched a video review of an issue of Batman on some comic book site too boring to remember, and I have to wonder how those things are so popular? Is it just because they're easy to view? You can sort of half-listen to them while jerking it to porn? Here's the thing: reading the comic book, which is far more entertaining, takes nearly the same amount of time as hearing some jerk tell you about it while abusing the amount of work the word "very" should actually be doing according to Word Union Standards. The person giving the review said this about Snyder and Capullo's Batman and my brain literally metaphorically went inside-out: "It's very, very classical." I suppose even though it's easier for the viewer to find more stuff about Batman if they get to listen to it while doodling pictures of Batman teabagging The Hulk, it's more difficult for the reviewer to blather on and on about the comic book without suddenly depending on the word "very" to do all of the work. I know I should probably be paying "fuck" time and a half on my blog but fuck fuck. Get a real job, you slacker!

I would have watched more reviews because maybe I just listened to one where the reviewer wasn't totally into it. But I had more important things to do like go meet Super Bobcat for dinner so she could start calling me Nothing Bobcat which just sent me into a huge existential crisis. It didn't help that she decided later that I was more of a "loser Bobcat" and that the best way to tell me was to stick her finger in my face and say, "No! You're Loser Bobcat!"

Super Bobcat and Loser Bobcat.

Loser Bobcat needs a haircut! And jeans that fit! It must be nice to be a leafy green plant man that can look like whatever he wants. It must also be nice to be a head in a jar.

Meanwhile in comic books, Swamp Thing has finally had enough of Lady Weeds and her passive-aggression. Probably because her passive-aggressive attitude finally gave way to aggressive-aggression when she stabbed him in the the face with a knife last issue.

He should have asked her if she's going to keep stabbing him in the face.

Swamp Thing continues to be manipulated by Wolf because Alec Holland is too nice. And now that Lady Weeds has proven more dangerous than Swamp Thing realized, Alec will probably trust Wolf even more. I don't know if this was Wolf's plan all along, to turn himself and Lady Weeds into Good Cop/Bad Cop, but he's going to take advantage of it while he can.

Swamp Thing creates a Mini-Swamp Thing to help him keep an eye on The Green and tells his other kids to stay in the house while he checks up on the world. And then he's off like some poetical image I can't bring myself to say because it's trite and cheesy.

Having Lady Weeds attack Swamp Thing was indeed part of Wolf's plan as was nearly everything in the last few months. He's keeping Swamp Thing off-balance by hiring people to fuck with The Green on a nearly constant basis. In the meantime, he plays up the role of trusting adviser. Eventually, the plan is to install Lady Weeds as the Avatar while Wolf becomes the sole tree in the Parliament of Trees. They just need to find a way to defeat a Plant God and a nearly immortal warrior woman and probably Jonah, the laid back ex-avatar monk.

The final part of Wolf's plan is to have Swamp Thing assaulted constantly by demons. Eventually they'd overwhelm Swamp Thing and his body would be theirs. Too bad he hired a bunch of quitters.

He should have hired Twat Lobo!

Since Wolf's overly intricate, time wasting, fuddy duddy plan failed, Lady Weeds decides it's time to change tactics. She's much more violent and direct. What's needed now is a lot of blood and gore! She should hire Original Lobo!

Turning Wolf into some hideous, bloodthirsty monstrosity is another way to go.

Swamp Thing #33 Rating: No change. Not much to say about Swamp Thing by Charles Soule. It's always one of the top five comic books DC puts out each month. It's so good that it takes me out of my whimsical, goofy commenter persona and into my boring, state the facts ma'am, simple explication persona. Maybe that's why the review I watched was so boring! Because it was about a well written comic book and not a total stinker like Catwoman or anything by Lobdell! I'm going to search their site for a review of a comic book I know is shitty so I can have a properly researched opinion on their abilities as reviewers!

Hmm. Nevermind. I couldn't find any reviews of shitty comics. The closest I got was a review on Superman #30 which the reviewer found "quite interesting" a fair number of times. He also gave it a pass if you're not into Superman which is as close as he can probably say to "Scott Lobdell's writing is terrible" without causing their site to lose their seemingly good relationship with DC Comics. I imagine that's why so many reviews are of very, very decent to very, very well written comic books only. You don't want to shit in the mouth of the hand that feeds you! That's why I feed myself. Because I shit in everybody else's mouths far too often to rely on them to feed me.

Swamp Thing #31

How is Alec supposed to get his mind back in Swamp Thing's body and does it involve a pee hole?

Last issue ended with Alec in Pistil's body on a date with a goopy gross avatar in the body of Miki the Greek Hot Tamale. I thought that maybe Abigail had arranged to do a little Sureening to take advantage of Alec's new penis but it turns out Miki is actually the Avatar of the Grey.

This whole Avatar of the Gray thing is a bit confusing since The Rot is called The Grey over on Earth 2.

Since Fungus plays such a huge role in decomposition and is also kind of a plant (or is it more like an animal? I'm no fungus scholar!), does this mean there are subspecies of Avatar that straddle two realms? Or maybe The Gray simply squats over all three realms? The Red sort of implies creatures with blood, so would smaller creatures like bacteria and viruses fit in somewhere lower on the taxonomic chart of The Red? And do some of these subcategories contain creatures that also exist in the taxonomy of The Green and The Rot? And do they all need separate Avatars based on Kingdom and Phylum and Genus and Species?!

The reason nobody ever talks about The Grey (at least on New Earth!) is that Miki opted out of that whole Avatar life where you're constantly comparing dicks with the other Avatars. Plus she says the smartest thing I've ever heard an Avatar say: "Fungus can take care of itself." You know, I think that's true! Our world is doing just fine without Avatars! I think. We don't have Avatars, do we? I've never seen one! But then I've never seen the Easter Bunny either and I'm not ready to deny that that god exists. I bet none of the Avatars are actually needed. They're probably just a form of entertainment for long dead assholes that made up this stupid Battle of the Realms in the first place.

"I want to fuck it."

Alec is a bit squeamish about how Miki the Fungus had to basically kill every person that volunteered their body for her use. So he's not ready to kill lots of innocent people simply to exit the Avatar game and spend his life with Fungus Face over here. So it looks like he's going to commandeer the Avatar of the Gray and use it to steal back Swamp Thing's body.

Miki used to be a fun guy! Ha ha!

Once Alec transmigrates into Spore, his ex-human host regains consciousness and instantly spills all of his secrets and bowel contents. Now Alec knows where his body is and that they're using it to help people! Although at a premium price, so it's not the kind of help many people can actually use. But Alec will probably stop them anyway. We've already seen in The Seeder story arc that Alec doesn't like people helping other people.

While traveling through the stark desolation of the Fungi Kingdom, Alec senses that the residents of The Grey want some kind of organization. They long for it. This causes him to rethink how he cut The Green off from the Parliament. Damn. He's getting soft! Although if he does bring back The Parliament of Trees, it should be on his terms. So they'll be more like pets than authority figures.

Spore quickly defeats the evil Pharmaceutical Company by inflicting everybody with Athlete's Foot and Crotch Rot.

He gathers up his things and declares that he's going home.

It might be a bit too late though. The company already decimated 40% of the cropland across the world because they were going to use the Swamp Thing body to create seeds resistant to the pretend plague that just decimated grain across the world. Hopefully Swamp Thing will notice before half the population starves. Or maybe it would be better if he only noticed after half the population starved? What do I care? I eat junk food that was never grown in a field ever! I'll be okay!

Once Spore returns to the Sureen, he decides to finally fuck Miki.

Not in a sexy way. Sorry if you thought you were going to get to see Alec spore all over Miki's face.

Swamp Thing convinces Miki to, begrudgingly, take back her old role as Avatar of the Gray. I'm sure she'll be back to try and kill him in a few months. For now, she needs to relearn how to do her job. And Swamp Thing needs to fix the world.

Lastly, two last things happen. So one of them isn't technically last but fuck you. And it's better if I just scan them in instead of pretending something sexy is happening when it actually isn't.

I love that The Wolf was behind this whole mess. Wolf and Lady Weeds are going to be a lot of fun.

And Aquaman stops by to bring the credibility of this comic down a few notches.

Swamp Thing #31 Rating: +1 Ranking. High points: Fungus Avatar, Wolf's Plan. Low points: Aquaman. I was going to give this comic book a +2 Ranking but then I remembered Aquaman interrupted this comic book with his idiotic presence and just couldn't do it. Also, this comic book is quickly rising up the ranks and I need to find reasons to slow it down before it breaks through the top of the chart like a great glass elevator.