Batman Loves Superman #12

When did Batman become Ursula?

Tonight is the Fourth of July and I'm wondering, "Should I care?" I mean, I don't mind feeling however it is I happen to feel (which is not bothered by it at all in any way). I'm just wondering what people's arguments would be to try to get me to care when I don't. I suppose those who love it either have some kind of sympathetic, childish attachment to the United States of America or they just love blowing things up. I think patriotism and faith belong in the same rubbish tip. They're basically the same thing. They're attributes that people believe are noble and they're proud to exhibit the traits. But they're far more dangerous than beneficial because they tend to feed differences and breed fear. If you believe patriotism is a good thing then you are, in a roundabout way, defending the World War II German citizens tacit support of Hitler's abominable acts. If you believe faith is a good thing, you sympathize with the passion of those who destroyed the World Trade Centers. I know, I know. Madmen were behind those horrors! But the acts were fueled by tending the patriotism and faith of those who committed them which is done through propaganda and inculcation. I suppose one might feel patriotism seems good if you're a level-headed American and faith is good if you're an upstanding Christian. But anybody exhibiting those traits in an extremely passionate and vehement way are assholes and wrong! Well, actually, I'd agree with you about the anybody else exhibiting those traits extremely passionately and vehemently are assholes and wrong! But I'd just lump the level-headed Americans and upstanding Christians into the same pile because you still just have people acting upon irrational beliefs that are only learned through propaganda and constant repetition. You love your country because you were randomly born within it. And you love your god almost exclusively because its the god your parents loved or its the god most people of your community love. You have to realize that if you were born in another country or under the influence of another religion, you'd think differently than you currently do. You absolutely wouldn't question things and somehow discover Jesus and love America. To think that you would is simply lying to yourself.

Here's the big problem with what I just said from my side of things! Instead of reading the previous paragraph and realizing I'm just expressing a personal argument against faith and patriotism (and a slight, barely supported argument at best! Fuck I'm lazy!), my guess is that most people against what I've said will view my words as a condemnation of people's actions and the belief that those actions should not be allowed. If somebody inferred that from my previous statement, that somebody would be wrong. Go ahead and worship and believe in any of the various gods that people believe in. Support your government wholeheartedly and without question. Do and act however you want! But realize that I can look at what you're doing and think, "Twat." You can act like you're better than me because you believe passionately in something and you have a flag on your lawn and Jesus loves you, and I can act like I'm better than you because I don't fall for twaddle and nonsense. You also have the right to believe I believe in twaddle and nonsense as an atheist and a Situational Individualist. But then I reserve the right to believe you're an uneducated buffoon! Then you can believe that I'm a pretentious, conceited asshole! And I'll believe that ... well, you're probably right on that one. I guess we can agree on some things!

Anyway, Happy 4th of July, America! It could be happier though. I loved the 4th of July as I was growing up because pretty much anything was allowed and every year there were new types of fireworks that created different displays and did crazy shit. At some point though, you've seen every single way to blow something up or to shoot fireballs into the air and it gets a bit old. That's the age when you discover blowing up M-80s in trash cans can make you deaf for a good ten to twenty minutes! Also, fireballs from roman candles make for a fun and exciting game of tag. But eventually, most fireworks were banned in most places (especially on the west coast since, you know, lots and lots of trees) and the fireworks that were left were incredibly dull. The 4th of July does get a resurgence of excitement once you begin drinking though! But even that eventually wears off and then it's just a noisy night that frightens people's pets and grandparents. Maybe we should start a new tradition? Since it's the country's birthday, how about firing cake out of cannons into crowds of spectators? Holy shit! I'd partake of that! Also, if that were a church service, I might believe in your cake cannon God.

I feel sorry for the people that stopped reading me forever before they got to the cake cannon! They're missing out on a brilliant idea!

This issue begins with Batman and Superman finally remembering Issue #1-4 of this same series when they traveled to Earth 2 and saw that Wonder Woman rode a Pegasus. They also remember who caused it all: Kaiyo, Darkseid's jester.

I think Kaiyo wants Darkseid to be defeated, right? So she should be here to help Batman and Superman with whatever they need.

Kaiyo confirms that she was hoping they'd drive off Darkseid so that she could hide out on Earth. But now, in the time honored traditions of Batmite (unless it's Bat-mite with the dash) and Mr. Mxyzptlk (unless it's spelled differently although that would be a different character altogether, wouldn't it?), Kaiyo is going to fuck around with Batman and Superman's lives. She's going to give each of them a chance to change their past. I don't know exactly what they want to change but she insists that's what they wished. I just thought they wanted to travel to Earth 2 to help in the present.

But when Superman and Batman arrive on Earth 2, they're just phantoms, unable to affect anything. And even if it's possible, Batman convinces Superman to merely watch as Earth 2 Superman saves his parents while Lois is killed in Metropolis. If Batman hadn't stopped Superman, Lois could have lived as New Earth Superman saved Ma and Pa Kent! How do I know this? Because Batman later saves Alfred by turning tangible at precisely the right moment.

Sure, Batman! Convince Superman not to fuck with time paradoxes but shit all over your own arguments and wave your dick in the face of a possible time anomaly.

I guess this is why we haven't seen Alfred over in Earth 2! He was supposed to have been killed by a parademon. But now he's been saved because Kaiyo gave Batman a chance to change the past and he took her up on it! Will Alfred now appear in Earth 2? I hope so!

But now Batman knows what will happen when Superman chooses to change something. Now Superman can be prepared to really do some good! But who will he save? What will he accomplish?! I'd probably try an Earth 2 doughnut.

Superman chooses to save Helena Wayne's life just before she and Kara wind up in a Boom Tube to New Earth.

So Alfred has been alive on Earth 2 this whole time thanks to Batman! Unless he was killed by different parademons a few panels later. No, no way! Batman saved him and now he can appear in Earth 2 like I've been waiting for him to do!

This is the most orderly and elegant version of time travel, the "Whatever Happened, Happened" theory. It's a bit constricting if you want to tell a really wildly fun tale of time travel but it can make for a really great story as well. Timecrimes chooses this route when dealing with time travel and it's a fantastic movie that thoroughly pleased my Time Travel Jones.

Anyway, Kaiyo isn't a huge fan of the decisions Batman and Superman made. She calls them sentimental when what she really wanted was ruthless. So she takes them back to New Earth with a clean slate, whatever that means. I guess I'll find out in Issue #13.

Batman Loves Superman #12 Rating: No change. This was a nice little story that feels like a one shot but is apparently going to continue next issue for some reason. I'm glad that Alfred was shown being saved so that we know he's alive and kicking somewhere on Earth 2. No way Greg Pak would have written that scene if we're just supposed to believe that Alfred is ripped apart by more parademons a few panels later. At least I won't believe that even if he never appears in Earth 2! I'll continue to believe he's still backpacking through Thailand sampling hallucinogenic teas and banging anything that moves.