Harley Quinn #1

This looks vaguely like Harley Quinn. Maybe it's her stunt double?

Last issue (if I wasn't so used to comic books and their gimmicks and their love of Zero Issues, it might be weird talking about the last issue when I'm commenting on Issue #1. Has a company ever put out any negative issues? Seems like after all this time, that should definitely be a thing), Harley Quinn received a building in Brooklyn from a client at Arkham Asylum. So my guess was that she's going to open a Detective Agency for the Criminally Insane. What else would you do with an office building in a major metropolitan area? Brothel for the Criminally Insane? Game Store for the Criminally Nerdy? Hospice for the Terminally Insane?

Oh! Maybe she'll convert it into a Roller Rink for the Criminally Insane!

Am I typing "Criminally Insane" too much?

Harley and her companions.

Harley's making the move on her motorcycle with her half-burnt beaver buddy and her newly acquired Sausage Dog which she kidnapped from a well mustachioed hipster. Oh, and the place she inherited was an apartment building. So it looks like it'll be Housing for the Criminally Insane! I hope she turns it into a halfway house where Batman villains can stay and try to make a go of normal life after escaping being released from Arkham.

As Harley is entering the city, she is beset upon (or just followed or attacked or threatened or chased) by Ghost Rider that forgot to light his face. He just happened to be sitting on the freeway with a Wanted Poster of Harley Quinn in his hand checking it against all the people passing by. He must have a really shitty memory or he's a face-blind bounty hunter if he needed to keep Harley's picture on hand to make sure he recognized her.

I'm four pages in and Chad Hardin's art alone is enough to recommend this book. I knew he'd do a bang up job after his work on Demon Knights.

I have a feeling human life isn't going to be portrayed as being worth much in this comic book! Which is fine by me! At least she cares about the widdle animwals.

Harley winds up knocking the guy's head off with her humongous mallet. And then she packs everything back up on her motorcycle and continues on her way. Because this is just the kind of wacky, crazy antics that happen when you've got a bit of a chemical imbalance and you're not always sure about the reality of your reality.

Harley arrives at home.

The bottom floor is the house of wax and murder! The second floor houses eight freak show tenants. The first tenant she meets is Danzig but he's going by the name Big Tony. Although he's identical to Danzig (right down to the height) so I think he might just be lying low until his career rebounds or he finally agrees to play the County Fairground circuit. She meets three other tenants: Queenie, an African American Gypsy; Giles the Goat Boy; and Spic & Span, the two-headed kid. I might have made up some of those names since formal introductions were not proffered. Third floor is storage and lumber so her Beaver will probably live there. And the fourth floor is her apartment. Seems like a pretty cool setup! A very suspiciously cool setup! Who left the place to her? Who's the bald lawyer? What's the name of the Sausage Dog?

Oh man. I'm thinking like a stuffed beaver. I think it's time to retire from Comic Book Commentary!

Apparently Harley is responsible for the back taxes on the place as well as insurance and upkeep. The tenant's rents pay for about half the cost of maintaining the building so it's a good thing she doesn't mind committing a crime here or there. Or she could just raise the rents! Or take out insurance on the tenants and murder them. It would serve them right living in a place called The House of Murder.

Hey, that's my joke!

Harley interviews for two jobs: therapist at an assisted living facility and Roller Derby Death Dealer. Lucky for Harley, the assisted living place has dangerous clients that she'll be able to make even more dangerous! And then at the Roller Derby Arena, she'll be able to solve crimes because there's always somebody being murdered or things being stolen or crazy plots being enacted at the Roller Derby!

By the end of her first day in her new place, Harley seems to have everything under control.

With a little help from Big Tony and his little friend (his gun. His gun is his little friend).

Harley Quinn #1 Rating: +2 Ranking. Most of that +2 in the ranking is due to the art. It pleases my aesthetic sensibilities. Hopefully she'll have some run ins with some more familiar assassins soon. I also appreciate a title character that's pretty much an amoral nutcase but with a streak of sentimentality behind it. So you know Harley is going to protect the people of her building and her beaver and her dog but not really give much of a shit about bystanders and strangers and other innocents in the area. Fuck 'em! It's hard enough keeping oneself alive in the big city without having to worry about all the collateral damage that can crop up when you're an escaped mental patient and ex-Task Force Xer! I have pretty high hopes for the entertainment possibilities of this comic book.

Vibe #10

I can remember Vibe's brothers' names, Armando and Dante, but I can never remember Vibe's name. I think I've run out of ROM. Oh, is Rom his name?

Last issue Vibe had been turned into a bomb to blow up Mordeth's wife whose name I can also not remember. I think it was also Mordeth! Oh! But I did just remember Vibe's name because his last name Ramon popped into my head and then Cisco followed immediately after. What the fuck is wrong with you, brain? Are you outfitted with a time delay to prevent me from being robbed by Knowledge Muggers? "Quick! What's the capitol of New Hampshire?!" "I'm sorry, you're going to have to wait three minutes for that information." Here's how I watch Jeopardy: *Answer is read by the pompous bitch Alex Trebek that can't help correcting everybody's French* Me sitting on the couch in my pants (the British style), "Oh yeah. I know that." Contestant gives the answer. I say, "Yep. That was it."

Anyway, Vibe was being dropped on top of Queen Mordeth (how does somebody trust their King and Queen when their name is "More Death"? I guess in Piradellese, "Moreth" probably means "gumdrops") to stop her from invading Earth by opening up Gypsy like a portal. The Queen's husband, Breacher (or King Mordeth if you're nasty), betrayed Vibe but he did it for good reasons. I think. If somebody decided to give up my life for a goal, I would probably think all of their reasons were mostly shitty.

Back on Earth, Amanda Waller was about to recruit Dante onto her team because his nanocites inside of him were about to give him super powers. I'm sure he'll take the name Inferno instead of Purgatorio like I'm hoping. I used to be pretty sure that he'd spit Waller's offer back in her face and become ARGUS's biggest enemy, just after Omega. But I'm beginning to think all Waller would have to say is, "It pays well," and Dante will sign the contract.

This issue begins with Waller doing paperwork when Vibe appears and puts Rupture's sickle through her desk. Well then! I guess everything turned out okay on Piradell! Except maybe Rupture died. And everybody else.

Preboot Waller would never have asked nicely! Preboot Waller would have lost a boot up Vibe's colon.

Vibe begins to tell Waller his story but because he's telling the story instead of the comic book beginning with the story, it's really kind of unreliable, isn't it? Vibe could simply be telling Amanda a complete lie about how the story ended! So that adds an interesting twist to beginning the comic this way as opposed to just beginning this issue where last issue left off.

Back where last issue left off (since I was just talking about it), Vibe was about to blow up! But Rupture saves his life by ramming his sickle into his chest. It totally makes sense because weapons in comic books only do what they're supposed to do and very rarely ever pierce hearts or damage internal organs. Even Batman's weapons which cause injury every few pages never do any serious harm. And by serious, I mean nothing the criminal can't live with with just a few minor adjustments to their lifestyle, like a wheelchair or a burning hatred to get revenge.

Next, Vibe describes how he and Rupture fought and Waller acts concerned about their fight causing interdimensional rifts back on Piradell like it did on Earth. But she only acts concerned so she can point out how she already knows why Piradell wasn't ripped to shred by portals in the way The Circus was when Rupture and Vibe fought.

I guess it goes "universe," "multiverse," "omniverse." Although I think Omniverse is just a stupid way to mix them both up. "Universe" means one stanza. Multiverse means "multiple stanzas." And Omniverse means "every stanza." So Amanda Waller doesn't know as much about the workings of the DC Universe as Dr. Veritas and every single character written by Scott Lobdell.

During the battle, Vibe winds up with Rupture's sickle and destroys all of Mordeth's raptors, her army. He also knocks the righteous fury out of his brother. But that's when Emperor Palpatine begins filling Vibe full of lightning force bolts. Darth Rupture watches, climbs to his knees, and says, "No."

Oh yeah, he also killed her. Or should I say dismantled her?

And then Armando learns the price that must be paid whenever somebody strikes down someone like Emperor Mordeth.

I believe this is called a "frommage."

I'm not exactly sure if Sterling Gates is referencing the Star Wars Franchise here or if he's going all the way back to the original source material that George Lucas lifted nearly verbatim from The Book of Matthew.

Now that Armando is feeling better, he realizes he has to stay behind to try and defeat Mordeth before she completely takes over the planet. Or he really just knows he can't live with the knowledge that he killed so many Piradellians. So he shoves Vibe and Gypsy (who they rescued! Did I mention they rescued Gypsy? Oh yeah! They rescued Gypsy!) throw a portal back to Earth and remains behind to die. Or to appear again later as Rupture in the pages of Justice League of America in a few years. It'll probably some huge crossover called The Rupture!

Back in Waller's office, Gypsy appears to threaten Amanda with a knife for one second. I think it's a just a bit of the old "I could have killed you" to make Waller feel a little more human and out of control. Although I'm fairly certain Waller knew Gypsy was there all along and only acted surprised to make Vibe think he had the upper hand. Have Waller and Constantine had a real confrontation yet? I'd like to see that as they both let their lines go completely slack trying to lure the other one in. It would probably end with each of them slitting their own throats and trying to out bleed the other to get the upper hand. Somehow. I don't know how that would work!

Vibe decides to keep working for ARGUS as long as ARGUS works on a way to get back to Piradell to save Armando. But he'll only work with Agent Gunn. So that would have been a good direction for this comic book to go if more people had been buying it.

And then Amanda texts a message to her new agent whose job is to keep a close eye on Vibe 24/7:

Purgatorio! He's not the blue monster thing.

Vibe #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Agent Gunn is now in the field with his husband as they're working with Vibe and the comic book is over? Dante has become Waller's pawn which means he's Vibe's nemesis which I pointed out from page one of issue one although Dante's super "hero" name has yet to be revealed. Although Inferno was my prediction and it was mentioned in a Next Month Blurb an issue or two ago. Although I still think Purgatorio would be fine. I bet all the agents he's supposedly killed (probably when he Super Powered Out for the first time in the hospital when Waller came to talk with him) are actually just suspended in some alternate purgatory-like dimension. Oh, I should probably level up as a comic book reader due to that! So now I'm back to the rank of Immaculate Comic Book Reader! Just one more level to go before I'm a Master again!

Overall, this series was much better than anybody wanted to think it would be since it was starring Vibe and all. This was a well portrayed version of the character. I hope he gets a mini-series sometime soon concentrating on the next chapter of his story working with Gunn and Klebba and learning about Dante.

Superboy #26

I remember a time when I would have been pleased to see Marv Wolfman's name on the cover of a comic book but after Trigon #1 where he rapes his way across all time and space, I have a bad feeling about this.

One issue with writing a blog like this is you get people responding to what they think are things that I said but are actually misinterpretations based on their reading my words as if I'm a fucking idiot. Not that I try to present myself as anything but a fucking idiot, so it's not really anybody's fault but my own. But I made a rule a long time ago while working on No Apologies! Press dot com around the turn of the century: do not get sucked into debates on the internet. Sometimes I allow myself a single response and then gather up all of my willpower and not respond to the inevitable response that follows. Because most conversations on the internet are mostly just two people willfully misunderstanding each other and then trying to clarify their position to the other person's willful misunderstanding while willfully misunderstanding the other person's clarification on the previous willful misunderstanding. If you understand. And besides, any time you try to clarify a point you made while rambling like a fuckhole, you only wind up sounding defensive and abrasive.

Not that I'm currently bristling with any indignation over rebeccamartin2's comments on my Constantine #9 commentary! They were mostly fair and completely understandably misunderstood since most of that commentary was the rambling, half-formed thoughts that had been in my head upon waking which I hurriedly tried to vomit forth into my blog. But as for the clarifications which I just can't restrain myself from expressing:

When I talked about an "institution full of douchebags," I did not mean DC Comics. Totally understandable how you would have thought that since it's a fair assessment of their public corporate policies regarding their treatment of characters and their seeming hatred for their fan-base. I just meant, you know, the general bad institutions that continue to make the social environment hostile to so many people. And, yes, technically I'm backing DC Comics although I think I'm providing a service to other comic book fans that is well worth the dollars I'm giving to them. Besides, I think there are some talented writers and authors that are doing some pretty good work at the company.

Yes, I like Brian Azzarello's Wonder Woman. If that version isn't Wonder Woman to you, so be it. That's fair enough. But telling me I'm crazy from disease simply because I'm enjoying a well-written story seems a bit harsh. I might expect that from Scott Lobdell, but from you, Rebecca? I'm hurt.

Lastly, I never suggested John Constantine could not be black and English. I merely wondered how many people would be up in arms if he were cast that way in a film. That one really was a willful misunderstanding, wasn't it? You just don't like me, is that it?! Well, now I'm going to be in a hurt mood while reading Superboy and take it out on Marv Wolfman!

I can't wait!

Wait a second? Who is this? Is this Superboy? Is he a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E.? I'm confused.

Something is mindspeaking to him and calling him Jon, so that at least clarifies that this is Jon-el and not Kon-el who is lost in time and dead and stuff. So you can see how I really shouldn't have been confused at all! But the next page kind of is confusing! No hyperbole this time!

Oh Marv. You really have gone around the bend, haven't you? Just be glad I didn't scan the lower half of this picture!

Jon-el receives some psychic message about how he was previously killing super heroes but his genes were killing him and the psychic voice is the only one that can keep him alive. But first, Jon-el must kill all the monsters! All of them! I think by "monsters," the psychic voice means "Teen Titans." Jon-el becomes violent and wakes up choking Wonder Girl. That's where things had left off in Teen Titans when everybody heard Wonder Girl scream and Tim Drake said, "Oh, just ignore that."

Jon-el is confused for a second but the psychic voice (which I'm going to begin calling The Green Voice) tells Jon-el to read Cassie's mind so that he can get his bearings.

Whew! There it is! I've become so conditioned to that specific Narration Box that I was beginning to go through withdrawals.

Jon-el taps into Cassie's memory of Legion Lost #16 which is hardly firm continuity since so much time travel happens around that moment and the plot seems to suggest that Harvest is not Tim Drake. Hell, the plot of that comic book suggests Harvest is some guy named Captain Adym from the Echo Police who may or may not be a shard of the actual Captain Atom who exploded in the Speed Force or the Time Stream or something! I think Harvest should just slink right out of The New 52 Universe because he's giving me a headache.

Jon-el realizes that the Teen Titans think he's Kon-el and that he can use it against them to destroy them! And then he thinks, "Starting now!" and begins fighting Wonder Girl. What a fucking idiot! You don't come to a realization like that and then jizz in your pants immediately! You use that information to create a well-structured plan of attack!

Oh no. E.C.H.O.! That means Harvest is probably on board in his human guise and he's probably responsible for sending Kid Flash back to the past! Possibly to ensure that Tim Drake gets bitten by that vampire!

For some reason, Cassie and Jon-el have lost their eyeballs. That either means that they're being controlled by The Green Voice or they've become vampires. I wouldn't put any money on which it is because it really could go either way.

I think the other option is that the colorist was just being fucking lazy.

When Jon-el realizes he's currently too hurt and weak to stand a chance against Cassie (at least that's what he tells himself. I think she could take him even if he were at full strength), he pretends to be Kon-el and acts as if his memory has just returned. He also thinks, "It would be best to first heal, then plan and then take all the Titans down." Yeah. Just like I said, you pants-jizzer.

Jon-el passes out from genetic failure only to be awakened by the rest of the Titans in ECHO's medical lab.

I really hope The Green Voice isn't Trigon. I imagine it must be Harvest of 2933 that Lobdell wrote about in Superboy #19: Colonel Harvest! He's the one whose kid, Venn, was killed by super heroes (Kid Flash, maybe?!) so he decided to infect himself with a Chronal Virus that made him go back in time to kidnap Superman and Lois Lane's baby, Joke-el (damn, I forgot that's what I was calling Jon-el! Joke-el!), and raise him as his own. So The Green Voice must be Colonel Harvest! Although why he would somehow know so much about Jon-el and the Teen Titans doesn't make sense. I guess since he's in the future, he gets to know anything he wants about the past.

Jon-el decides to get out of bed so that he can destroy all the medical information the ECHO doctors now have on him.

Why would this guy travel all the way to Phobos to hunt? That's in our solar system and this isn't our solar system. Although I have no idea where it is. It'll probably wind up being retconned into our solar system!

Jon-el kills a doctor that has super powers and feeds off her meta-human life force. He also remembers things Harvest taught him because he was raised by Harvest in the past but in the future of DC's Now continuity. Anything associated with Harvest is pretty crappy, so I'm not really looking forward to following the adventures of Joke-el.

Jon-el accesses Kon's database and learns that he helps to form the Legion of Super-heroes. The Green Voice responds to this as if they're going to have a good time now. Maybe The Green Voice is Saturn Girl, twisted from the changes in the timeline due to Kon-el's death? Whatever the case, The Green Voice isn't revealed this issue which is lame because I don't know if I can care about it too much longer.

Superboy #26 Rating: -1 Ranking. I hated any comic book that Harvest was in and now I have to deal with Harvest's son he kidnapped from Superman and Lois? Ugh. Oh yeah! Also, Jon-el might not be simply Lois's son! While looking at his medical records, he realizes his DNA from his father is Superman but his genetic material from his mother is from a number of female meta-humans. So his parental situation is just like Freddy Krueger's! Except, you know, the opposite!

Constantine #9

This is Constantine presenting to Ultraman. That's why the word fight is in "quotes." I put "quotes" in quotes because the word fight isn't really in quotes; it's metaphorically in quotes by being set in a different font and color. I also didn't put the word "fight" in quotes in the two previous sentences to avoid confusion when I wrote about the word "fight" not being in quotes.

I had a really brief statement that I wanted to share but then I decided maybe I should preface that statement with a whole lot of rambling. So before I say the thing that I want to say (which is not any major, earth-shaking revelation of any kind but just a simple statement of something I'd like to see but I thought I should put the statement in context anyway), let me put the statement in context. Hmm, I'm really beginning to rethink the need for that parenthetical reference (whenever I first type "parenthetical," I always spell it "paranthetical." Never fails! 100%! Good work, brain!).

I know a lot of people are really mistrustful about things they read and are always concerned with ulterior motives behind the statements being made. Especially on Tumblr where delving into inappropriate humor can be quite a dangerous pastime. I know a lot of people prefer humor that doesn't come anywhere near offending anybody but I believe that if we ignore humor that can wind up being offensive, we avoid satirizing the truly offensive among us and who the fuck said they can get off from being made fun of? That means I tend to lose Followers on occasion because as I'm trying to mine for humor in these dangerous areas, I sometimes hit a natural gas vein or release a Balrog or two. It goes with the territory. That being said, I try to avoid being a complete dick because who wants to be a backer of a shitty institution full of arrogant douchebags? But sometimes you hit a mine when you decide to tap dance across the minefield.

I'm actually playing up my flaws a bit here because mostly I'm rational and level-headed and don't fucking fly off the handle at the first hint of one, single, non-essential mistake that I find in a comic book I'm reading. Nope! Not me! But I do find a common bond in the discomfiture and self-demeaning humour of a good British comedy. So one of my favorite things to do is to say something somewhat racist or misogynistic or homophobic or some other -ist or -ic that I totally can't stand people being and then, by means of explaining myself, dig myself deeper and deeper into the hole of completely offensive asshole. That, to me, is funny even though I wind up being the bad guy and looking like an asshole. It's the discomfiture, directed at myself, which makes me laugh.

True, it can also be seen as trolling since people will get angry at me. But I'm really just writing to make myself laugh. But trolling is trying to make somebody angry for the specific goal of making a fool out of them. They take the bait and you get to go, "Ha ha! Calm the fuck down, moron! Any smart person could have seen that was a joke!" And I don't engage in that bullshit. If somebody gets mad at me for something I said, I don't respond that it was a joke. I respond by pouting and hating on myself and feeling like a complete twat for a period of, usually, no longer than two weeks. So if I say something offensive, never call me on it because it makes me feel bad! Stop picking on me!

Okay, now why the fuck did I just ramble on about all of that bullshit? It's because I wanted to say something and I wanted everybody to know that it's genuine interest in the appeal of the idea that causes me to say it. Even after I say it, one might think, "What the fuck does that have to do with anything he just said?" Well, yeah, anyway. I just wanted to say, "I think the next reboot of the X-men movie franchise should be a completely gender-swapped cast." And not in a tongue-in-cheek way. And not in a way that changes the characters so that, say, Wolverine suddenly starts acting differently. The characters should absolutely remain true to their comic book counterparts. Just imagine how uncomfortable Emmet Frost would make a huge portion of the audience!

But this is a DC Blog. I should probably be talking about a Wonder Woman movie instead of a new X-men franchise. I bet Hollywood is ready for a gender-swapped Wonder Woman movie! I bet they'd think they can make that movie sell! Although I think the Greek Island of Themyscira might cause them a bit of trouble on how to portray that to an audience they think of as being entirely composed of young, teenaged, straight boys that tend to get wildly uncomfortable at any hint of intimate bonds shared between two (or more!) males.

Which brings us, somehow, to Constantine and his Mini-Justice League Dark! They have recently been evicted from The House of Mystery by The Blight who has managed to exit the Collective Unconscious and enter Chris "The Babysitter" Esperanza.

Meanwhile, Pandora has decided this would be an appropriate time to indulge in some self-gratification.

Blight is rampaging about New York with its own Mini-team, the Mini-Seven Deadly Sins. Or maybe just six because Pandora killed Envy. No, no! Seven! Because Evil Aquaman, the King of the Seven Deadly Seas, was recently shown coming back to life in some Forever Evil related comic book. Which means Envy is back, baby! Although only six Mini-Deadly Sins are shown on the big two page splash title page.

Oh no! I'm wrong. Seven are shown! I was just assuming the main one that was drawn closest to the reader was Blight. But I think that one is probably Mini-Pride. Blight, it appears, is a gigantic black amorphous serpenty blobby mist monster thing.

That's The Phantom Stranger's weakness? He can't battle what he can't categorize? Can't understand what he can't compartmentalize? He really is a tool of the Patriarchy and Christianity.

Constantine tries to point out that it's only a monster which isn't helping matters any. His imperialist British background is showing!

I wonder how many people would be upset if Constantine were played by a black man in a film? Or a non-smoker! For me, I think the only essential bit of Constantine is that he remains British. When I first typed the non-smoker thing, I instantly thought, "Yeah. You have to keep the smoking." And then in the next space of random thoughts, I simply asked myself, "Why? I think he'd work just as well without the fag." And then my brain said, "You mean cigarette. You're an American, asshole. You can't casually call them fags." And then my brain said "Sorry! Sorry!" to that first part of my brain that I like to call "Mary Poppins." She keeps me in right order, she does!

I bet my British readers just read that and thought, "Blimey, I knew it, bloody Mary Poppins. By the Queen's pants, I knew that twat established his entire idea of who we are from that movie. Pip pip! Cheerio!"

Back to the comic book, it seems that lead Mini-Sin I thought might be Pride might actually be The Blight, thanks to the clue from The Phantom Stranger about the dragon/man business. So now that I'm thoroughly unsure as to the existence of Envy, I suppose I'll just move on and ignore it until the comic book tells me definitively what's going on.

Meanwhile somewhere else some "withered old bore" is forcing some smart mouthed kid to help him with some Project that has Sargon the Sorceress strapped to a Magic Sucking Machine. My first thought was that the kid was Vibe but I don't think Vibe can pull off the attitude that this kid pulls of in a few lines. It could be The Crime Syndicate's Hostage although I'd suspect Vibe over The Hostage since I'm certain The Hostage will be playing his or her role over in Forever Evil.

Back in New York, The Mini-Justice League Dark begin to gain the upper hand after they teleport away for a nano-second to regroup. It works! They pin The Blight Babysitter to the ground while Pandora chases the Mini-Sins away. They now have the upper hand! They're going to win!

Oh no. Strike that. Reverse it.

Completely reverse it! Swamp Thing gets chewed in half and John gets bitten and stung and whipped and beat. He begins moaning like a love sick puppy that's never going to get to see his sweetheart again. It's totally disgusting! And then, like the cover shows, he fights the Crime Syndicate!

No, no. Just kidding. The Crime Syndicate never show. The issue ends with John about to be killed by The Blight. TTFN!

Constantine #9 Rating: No change. This was my least favorite issue of The Blight but I'm not sure if it's because the comic didn't really resolve much or because Christmas has left me feeling like shit due to spending Christmas Eve with my dad and sister and spending Christmas with The Non-Certified Spouse's father and his new wife and her grown children and finding I have no feelings or bonds to any of these family members. Plus I lost one of my clients on Christmas Eve because their 7-11 was taken over by Corporate and Corporate brought in their own crew. So that always feels like shit. Yesterday I was hoping sleeping all day with the cat would help and it has kind of dulled the edges of impending doom! I bet Tater Tots would make me feel better! Tater Tots and a nice long hug from Mommy!

Nightwing #26

Does Nightwing consciously choose the stupidest poses he can think of? This is the guy who constantly squat falls around Gotham.

Looking at my Rankings, Nightwing has really fallen far! It's not because of the quality of this comic book although I really haven't been enjoying it as much as I used to. But I'm beginning to notice the overall quality of all of DC's comic books are steadily increasing. I keep seeing titles down in the thirties and forties and thinking they should be so much higher. Then I quickly glance up the list and can't decide which comics should be lower than that comic. So I just leave it alone to let people wonder how I could possibly hate Lemire's run on Green Arrow so much.

Helpful note: I don't. Another helpful note: My rankings barely mean anything.

I have a feeling if a lot of DC's fans didn't feel betrayed by DC retooling the characters and deleting random aspects of their pasts, they would actually still enjoy a lot of the current comic books DC is putting together. I can see how the bond can easily be lost when the company that owns the character tells you the character is not the same character you always loved. So I don't think anybody should be convinced to like the new DC stuff. They'll either continue to give it a chance or leave it. That's the way it should be in a case like this. I'm enjoying more than I'm disliking now (which wasn't the case a year ago) but I still think DC has one major weak point to get over: character building.

When the Reboot began, DC put all of their efforts into "world building." The back of every comic tried to hammer it home to the fans: "We're world building! World Building! WORLD BUILDING!" Lots of comic books crossed over to other comic books to let the fans know how intertwined The New 52 was and how all the stories were taking place on the same world. But the character building really kind of fell to the wayside as the plots and crossovers pushed past and took front and center. Some comic books, like The Flash and Batwoman, went the opposite route and built their worlds around their characters instead of shoving their characters into the world they were building. These comic books are much better off two years down the road than many others. They're really well established and I feel a bond with those characters over many others. Something like Scott Snyder's Batman turned the world into one of the main characters by treating Gotham as Batman's confidant and, possibly if you want to read it this way, his lover. Some books like Azzarello's Wonder Woman were gloriously fun and interesting even though Wonder Woman's character has been a bit of a blank. But he's built her up through her actions and empathy and compassion which show through in her interactions with her siblings as she tries to help Zola and Zeke. But as to her past or history or why the fuck she's set up in London? Nothing! It doesn't hurt that book though because everything else is so fantastic.

This isn't some kind of year end review of The New 52 though, so I'd better stop there and read about Nightwing and his stupid poses.

This issue begins with Nightwing discussing an element that was just recently found a decade ago, named Kanium, which has become the main compound in a new anti-psychotic. That seems fucking weird. They're going to use a radioactive element in an oral medication? I'm assuming it's extremely radioactive if it was discovered just a decade ago. Aren't all the newest elements completely unstable and exist nowhere but in super colliders? I could be way off base with this because I'm digging deep in the caverns of my pseudo-knowledge logic banks and not discussing this at all with Lord Google because we're having a bit of a spat. It is not porn related! Really!

Anyway, somebody has been stealing all of the Kanium from Chicago area hospitals. And Nightwing has set up a trap to discover the culprit!

It's someone named Mali the Mimic. He obviously recognizes her huge butt crack.

Nightwing manages to stop Mali from making off with the Kanium although I think he might have destroyed it in the process. Mali also informs Nightwing, while arguing with herself, that she now goes by the name Marionette. She also gets away so she can return again in six issues where I'll have forgotten all about her.

Except this issue is called "Some Strings Attached" which means she'll be back in the next act.

Dick and Joey have moved out of the apartment they shared with the photographer whose name I can't, unsurprisingly, remember. Unless he moved in with them because Dick did mention it was a three bedroom! So he's probably still hanging out with them but he probably works during the day so he's not home when Dick returns from Nightwinging around the city. But there is a friend of Joey's, a young girl with orange hair named Jen. Look out, Jen! I don't know how old you are but I'm fairly certain Dick is into you.

Oh, there's the other roommate, Michael. And it looks like Dick is already going to ditch his new job to follow this cop's lead.

Oh. The cop apparently meant "especially after this morning" because Dick's first question is, "What, uh, happened this morning?" That's good to know. Dick can keep his job working a place where he gets to hear cops talk about their cases so that Nightwing can go out and beat them to the arrest. He really is a show off, isn't he? That Zero Year issue was no lie!

Later that night, Nightwing's Narration Box gets hijacked by the cop from earlier. He's there on a stakeout with Michael to see if the mask shows up. He doesn't know her name is Marionette but Nightwing does and Nightwing is there too! Because he's a fucking scene stealing bitch ass wanna be cop. He's also probably the only person that can stop Marionette. Although if she does mimic people, if the Chicago cops go after her, won't she mimic them, become corrupt, and turn against herself?

Nightwing's attempt to apprehend Marionette is interrupted by a criminal that was finally tired of getting his ass handed to him by Batman and decided to give Chicago a try.

Looks like he got some dental work done as well.

Michael and Detective Morgan are under his spell even though they're not wearing hats, just like the other drooling cops. It looks like The Mad Hatter has designed an anti-hat brainwashing technique that uses a frequency broadcast over a person's cell phone. It seems a bit of a cheat but I suppose cell phones are really just our modern day headgear.

Nightwing #26 Rating: No change. I bet The Mad Hatter is pissed that he just walked in on Nightwing after he came all the way from Gotham City to get away from the Bat Family. But what better place to come than Chicago which has outlawed masks, right? It's like when a city outlaws gun, gun crime supposedly goes way up. You know what might make crime go way down in a city whether or not guns are outlawed? Allow people to booby trap their homes! So everybody's house would be as dangerous as a room in one of the Cube movies or a sequel to Saw! Oh, sure. A lot of innocent people will be killed and lots of random chaos will be caused by squirrels and stray cats, but what is the alternative? Possibly getting your stereo and jewelry stolen? Fuck that shit! That shit is mine! I'd rather random, innocent people were maimed, beheaded, and eviscerated all over the city before any of my shit was taken away from me!

Suicide Squad #26

King Shark Versus Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark!

It took me awhile to remember to do it while I was sitting at the computer but I finally translated Futurama's Bender's Apartment Number from Binary to ASCII. I kept thinking, "What could it possibly fucking be? It's 00100100, so it'll just be one character. So what the fuck could it possibly be to make it interesting?" And let me tell you, it's perfect. Bender and Fry live in Apartment "$".

Back to Suicide Squad, James Gordon, Jr, had just found out that the "X" in Task Force X was a letter in a sequence beginning with "A" which meant more than twenty different versions of Waller's Task Force were attempted before somebody threw up their hands and said, "Just fucking use super-villains on death row." But even Task Force X didn't seem to be working out as well as Amanda would have liked so Task Force Y had been created. But Task Force Y wants to kill Amanda even more than Task Force X does, so it's been locked in Level Lowest Level until now. Amanda needs it to save her ass since The Thinker is ready to destroy her ass. And also hand OMAC over to The Crime Syndicate.

And while The Thinker thinks he's come up with a great plan to get OMAC by working with Harley Quinn, he's just not as smart as he thinks he is. He proclaimed last issue that she's one of the few personalities that he can't predict (which, I believe, was part of the thrill he was getting from working with her). So she's obviously just pretending to work with him because Waller would have told Harley, "Look. This guy is smart but I'm smarter without having to have a brain that eats away at my internal organs. He wants to believe he's smart enough to control a random element like you. So we'll use that against him and you'll pretend to work for him while really working for me." And Harley said, "Fuck you. Why should I? Get out of here." And Waller said, "I'll get you your own comic book title." And Harley said, "I'm in."

But before The Thinker's plan can backfire in his face, Waller needs to deal with King Shark and keep him from eating her. So she's released Task Force Y. Why? Because he'll eat you.

Nutty Cuckoo Super King Shark it is!

Kamo just wants to kill and eat and destroy so when he declares to King Shark, "If you are my son...then you must die!", it's a little bit on the redundant side. My hope is that Kamo swallows King Shark whole and then King Shark explodes out of Kamo's stomach and then King Shark swallows mortally wounded Kamo whole and then mortally wounded Kamo explodes out of King Shark's stomach and then they'll be lying on the floor dying and Kamo will reach out and take King Shark's hand and King Shark will turn his big shark face to his father and a single tear will drop from his eye and Kamo will grumble, "Pussy." Or "I love you!" I suppose it depends on how each ending tests with a test audience! Fuck artistic integrity! Let the people decide!

Meanwhile James has gone off to deal with The Thinker when he's almost killed by OMAC being shoved out of a plane by Harley. Harley appears a moment later because it's not worth thinking about how characters get from one place in time (aboard a plane) to another place in time (James Gordon's back) when all of that action is taken care of off-panel. She probably rode OMAC down or had a jet pack which she discarded or teleported or arrived earlier by bus and was just hiding in the shadows. It's just a comic book! You're not supposed to care about all the behind the scenes stuff!

While King Shark is dealing with Daddy Issues, it looks like James has developed a nice, healthy set of Mommy Issues which Harley is bringing back by pressing her vagina and breasts right up against his back.

That last panel explains why he's a psychopath.

Meanwhile, Amanda reminisces about the day she and her team captured Kamo with a few agents and some pistols even though he's way too powerful to control. The story is a little light on details. But she does mention that she brought back a baby shark that was supposedly one of his children and raised it as her own. That baby shark was King Shark. And if Amanda wouldn't have blown up the island and, I suppose, the pool with his siblings, he'd have a nice big family by now. I'm sure at least one of them has survived and will come visit later. Native King Shark visiting Big City King Shark! Oh what a series of comic mix-ups they'll enjoy!

Amanda is hoping to manipulate Kamo into defeating OMAC by telling him some ancient curse can only be broken by the death of OMAC. After that, he'll be free to head back to his island and eat all the virgins he can stomach.

Above ground, James and Harley become best friends and decide to stop The Thinker together. How do you become friends with Harley, you ask? Well, you just stab her in the back and then put an exploding collar around her neck. Apparently she finds this behavior appealing. I'm kind of sick of her finding that kind of behavior appealing. Are we supposed to think that because she loves The Joker, she likes anybody that treats her like shit? Maybe when she responds with "I...I...I think I love you," it's just because she's got that Keith Partridge song stuck in her head. Anyway, the crux of it all is that OMAC escaped while they were figuring out their relationship.

James and Harley meet up with the new team consisting of Kamo and King Shark. Amanda lets them know that if The Thinker gets his hands on OMAC, they're all going to die. And then OMAC appears with The Thinker's mind downloaded into it. So, I guess they're all dead.

Meanwhile under a mountain in Colorado, Deadshot isn't dead. But he is busy burning up what little oxygen he has left by lighting a lighter! Ha ha! Dumb dumb. I'm sure everybody else survived as well (except maybe Warrant because who the fuck cares about that guy? Judging by his name, he was created to die!). Be with us next time for "Better Off Deadshot," or "One Crazy Bummer."

Suicide Squad #26 Rating: No change. King Shark is the child of a Hawaiian God! Does that gel with all of the past hints we've gotten about his history? I think it does! Did I use "gel" correctly? Should it be "jell"? A cursory consult with Lord Google only makes me realize that this might be another one of those American versus British uses meaning they're both right but you should probably stick with jell if you're American and gel if you're British. Well, fuck that! I live in that grey area that's gray, remember? So I'll do what I like and show my backside to all the editors out there! Anyway, Suicide Squad was okay. Except for the way Harley acted. And except for Deadshot not being in it. And except for, in my opinion, too many revelations about King Shark's history. Matt Kindt has really filled it full of words lately, hasn't he?!

Katana #10

This is my Christmas Present to myself: the final issue of Ann Nocenti's Katana! Merry Christmas everybody! Except for you people that can't stand hearing people say "Merry Christmas!" even if they're just expressing a kindness in your general direction. To you, I say, "Fuck off, motherfucking Scrooge!"

Scrooge was this mean bastard in this book by a guy with a name that always makes me giggle. I wonder why his parents did call him Richard? That would have been the best name. Dick Dickens, Writer! I know acting like nobody knows who Scrooge is is an idiotic statement that isn't even funny so why would I even bother? You're all probably sick to death of Ebenezer's face in its many guises gracing every channel on your television set the last few weeks. I'm not even sure when I last watched the entirety of any version of A Christmas Carol. That's something I should remedy and maybe make an annual Easter tradition.

If I owned a television station, I'd air Moby Dick every Easter. The hunt for the White Whale and the Resurrection of Jesus are kind of similar tales. I just wish the story of Jesus had a character named Queequeg in it.

What was Katana up to last issue, you're probably wondering? Well fuck you! I don't owe you any explanations! Do you think I retained any of that nonsense? Just be glad this comic book is over and you can purge all of your New 52 Katana knowledge because you know this shit will never be spoken of again as soon as DC can escort Ann Nocenti out of their offices.

I should probably stop yelling "Fuck You!" at my readers. Sorry about that. I'm a bit on edge due to the midlife crisis and the stress of passionless small business ownership. You know what's probably a good idea today? Being that it's Christmas and it's a magical day even for Jews and Muslims and Atheists even though none of them actually know it? It's a good day to get drunk! Oh, unless you're Muslim. Sorry. I don't mean to be the fucking devil and tempt you with the deliciousness of falling over and vomiting on the rug only to wake up a few hours later with some shitty Maroon 5 song going on repeat in your head and your friend's dog licking the vomit up while occasionally licking your face. Good times! Why would Allah deny anybody such fun?!

Being that it's only 7:30 in the morning and I will be headed over to the Common-in-Law's house, I probably shouldn't start drinking just yet. But every time I glance at the cover of this Katana comic book, I'm sorely fucking tempted.

Our story begins with a bunch of tattoo artists that are closed during the day but don't bother locking up the shop because they're actually Sword Clan thugs and they're idiots.

But wait! This woman isn't any ordinary flower delivery person! It's Shuntouchable, Mistress of Scarification! And she's come to kill the assholes that tattooed her body with prophecies of the future! They go down in a hail of bullets shouting, "Why didn't we see this coming when we gave her that tattoo of us being gunned down by her?!"

As Shuntouchable unloads on the thugs with her automatic rifle, she speaks 94 words without having to reload. And those words are magical. No, magickal! MAGICKAL! WITH A "K"! You must savor them with me.

Mmm! Mmmm! The sweet, succulent nonsense of money laundered until it's black as chimney soot! SO GOOD!

This is why comic books are so much better than movies! In a movie, Shuntouchable would have kicked down the door and said, "HEY. TATTOO ARTISTS. I INK IT'S TIME TO DIE!" POW POW POW POW DEAD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE SLOW MOTION DIVING HEADS EXPLODING GLASS CRASHING WOOD SPLINTERING DEATH EVERYWHERE! Pause as she reloads and says, "THIS MAY HURT A BIT!" MORE DEATH AND BULLETS AND DESTRUCTION AND SCREAMING AND NOISE. Then when everybody is dead and Shuntouchable is standing there with her smoking gun, she can look around calmly and whisper, "Talk about body modification." Then she would light a cigarette and causally walk out.

Shuntouchable doesn't actually kill the tattoo artists. She just wounds them with every fucking bullet because she's either a really, really good shot with an automatic rifle, or a really, really shitty one. She tells them to let Coil know that she has a special Body Modification Plan for him. Then she takes a moment to remind everybody that Ann Nocenti is writing this book.

LOOKY THAT! L. O. O. K. Y. THAT! And that's not even the part that makes it so Ann Nocenti! That's just added awfulness!

Oh look! A picture that has fallen on the floor during the chaos! I guess I'll simply assume, for whatever fucking reason, that it's The Sword Clan's Logo! Yes, their Logo! Because they're obviously selling a product and branding is essential to that end. And if they have a logo, that must mean they're a club! Oh joy, wouldn't it be fun to join someday?

What the fuck? Why?! What? But! I mean? UGH!

Meanwhile, Katana is in Japantown feeling like she's been in a bad marriage! Because she hasn't slept and she's been fucking her dead husband's brother after giving up on fucking her sword in which her dead husband had been contained until very recently. Plus, like a bad marriage, she's been chasing a wild fucking kid around trying to kill it so that she can prove to her Sword Club (with their new logo!) that she can sink a boat that is making an extreme effort to stay afloat. I've never been in a marriage (good or bad) so I don't know if the analogy is apt or not. I'm just going to assume it is.

But Katana is pulling herself together now! She's finally realizing that she made a mistake somewhere in her past. I think the mistake was not killing Coil when she had him pinned to a tree but what the fuck do I know? Katana believes it's when she decided to partner with Sickle. That's not a bad choice since it's just one of her bad choices she's made. And since all the choices she's made so far have been bad, she really could have chosen any of them. But she also finally figured out something profound about love!

I think she's speaking metaphorically. Oh fuck, please let her be speaking metaphorically.

Oh yeah. She also let Mona Shard get away because she couldn't bring herself to kill a child. I guess that's okay because I'm sure the Mad Samurai will take care of everything for Tatsu.

And then remember everything that was happening before? Forget that. It was all bullshit that might make sense if you give a shit and really cared about skewing reality and pretending words can have negative values and decided to reread the entire series while fucked up on meth but who the fuck would do that? You know, about rereading the series. Not about the meth. Anyway, Junko is a cop and he's been using Katana to help drive the Yakuza underground and destroy the Sword and Dagger clans. But the cops have all that shit under control now. What Junko needs from Katana is for her to kill the Mad Samurai and end this comic book once and for all.

Don't fucking look at me. You figure this shit out.

I think Ann Nocenti had a stroke while scripting this comic book because she uses the phrase, "What, no one ever lied to you before?" three times in as many pages. Maybe she just didn't want us readers to miss it because she's saying it directly to us as we read.

DC Fan Getting Ripped Off By This Shit: "What the fuck? Was it a dream? Why is everything not the same as it was and totally different in a really stupid way? This is bullshit!"
Ann Nocenti: "What, no one ever lied to you before?"

So, Thrust (remember him? He liked to kill with his erect phallus) has given Shuntouchable the list of all the tattoo artists that worked on her so she could go around giving them tiny little bullet scars all over their bodies. Now he's led her to Coil although he didn't know she was going to bring a machine gun to the fight. But then, no one has ever lied to him before. He takes off so she can get down to business but not before saying one of my favorite Ann Nocenti Character Speeches so far:

There has to be a mathematical formula for writing Ann Nocenti Dialogue. Something like X + Y = Z but written in an analogous yet convoluted way. So a normal writer would write "X + Y = Z" while Ann Nocenti writes "Z - Y + Z - X = X + Y -2Z + 2(X + Y)".

Katana goes off to hunt down the Mad Samurai who is preparing for war. But first she must learn to stop a bullet by fighting with a falcon. While she does that, Shuntouchable decides to tattoo "LIAR" across Coil's face because his tongue is his actual weapon. He should be called Tongue and not Coil. But Katana arrives to stop her! It's a good thing Katana learned how to stop a bullet by fighting that bird because Shuntouchable is using a gun! Wow! It's all coming together in the shittiest way possible!

Also, one of the tattoo artists earlier mentioned a How-To Video about stopping bullets with his sword. Just so the reader would be prepared for Katana learning the technique by fighting a bird so that she could use it against Machine Gun Shuntouchable.

When do we learn this entire series has been a dream?

Like all good gun salesmen, the one that sold the assault rifle to Shuntouchable told her a joke! It was about people who live by swords dying by bullets! This made Shuntouchable realize that all jokes were true! Especially the one about Jesus seeing Peter's house. That one is the truest of them all. But Katana has a joke for Shuntouchable! It's a good joke! A very good joke!

And it's true because the gun seller lied to Shuntouchable about his joke. What, no one ever lied Shuntouchable before?

After Shuntouchable is down and out and Coil is still nearly crippled and the possessed bird is still flying around like a fucknut, The Mad Samurai who is now a twenty foot tall Sumo Wrestler comes crashing through the forest to defeat Katana! And he almost does! (Not really.) But Katana is saved (not really) when the spirit riding the Falcon decides to ride the Mad Sumo Wrestler! And, SURPRISE, it's Maseo! Katana is able to kill the Mad Sumo Wrestler with her Soultaker sword and thus absorb the souls of both The Mad Samurai and her husband at the same time! Proving that her husband actually does love her! For some reason! Plus Ann Nocenti finishes strong on another really good joke where the Sumo Wrestler (who hasn't been killed because, I guess, the Soultaker now only stabs souls riding mortals and doesn't actually hurt the mortal somehow) says, "I'm so hungry." Because he's fat! Get it?!

Oh, well, that isn't the exact end. I really wish it was though! I'd rather she ended on a "sumo wrestlers are fat" joke instead of this final page that I will leave you with. I won't say another word after this. I've had my say. You know my opinion about this comic book. It was awful. I'm almost certain we can bring a class action lawsuit against DC for selling this garbage as entertainment. Do you really think they can find a single witness that will admit to liking this drivel? Not a fucking chance! Anyway, on to the Final Ranking and the last page.

Katana #10 Rating: No change because what's worse than Eleventy Billion?! That's the lowest number there is!

If you think there were any other loose ends or inconsistent plot developments, you're probably just remembering incorrectly. Go have some eggnog. You'll be fine.