Dial H #13

I just tried this and it doesn't work. I probably should have used chalk instead of a Sharpie.

This is a comic book. That's a book with pictures and words. Pictures are visual representations of other visual things. Words are symbolic representations of abstract ideas or physical things. Words are composed of letters. Letters are merely symbolic pictures representing sounds. Sounds are symbolic noises representing things or ideas. Abstract ideas are things that your cat doesn't ever think about because it has no language and thus no way to internalize a thought about those things. Or perhaps it does think about things like hatred and arrogance but since it doesn't have language, it has no way to represent these ideas internally or externally. How would we think differently if we weren't taught language when we are young? I suppose nobody would spend any money on therapists.

What am I talking about? Why aren't I writing my commentary as I usually do? Maybe the Dial I drew on my wall actually worked! I'm losing myself in another voice! But I'm still kind of here as well! I need something like Manteau's cloak to keep me grounded in my normal identity!

Yeah, that'll work. Also, displaying proudly my shirt that declares I'm not illiterate!

Now that I don't have to worry about losing myself in whatever super hero I'm channeling, I can begin reading the comic book!

I will be scanning the first page because it is a marvelous rendering of childhood pictographs. But because I just inserted a picture a scant few lines above what you are currently reading, I feel the need to vamp for a bit to increase the negative space between visual representations of the story. Most of these sentences filled with words and letters are merely filler anyway. It is the revelation of the monthly plot that you are most likely interested in because it will save you two dollars and nintety-nine cents to get the information from me. By the way, money is a symbolic representation of perceived value. Since it is highly unlikely that anybody will be willing to part with four pints of beer directly for your ability to interpret tax law, money acts as an intermediary proof that you have performed valuable services for somebody somewhere and are, in fact, due four pints of beer. The man pouring your four pints of beer will receive money from the man selling the four pints of beer for the service of inebriating a good percentage of the city. But since not everybody in the city is an inebriate, the tender of the bar probably cannot get his toilet unclogged by directly pouring beer for the plumber. Yes, it's highly probably that that exchange will actually work. But perhaps if the tender of the bar needs his prostate examined, he would be better off exchanging currency.

Although the term "currency" brings up an interesting tangle, especially since I invoked the medical profession. Here money is rarely exchanged and we, as citizens, generally get by with insurance cards. To gain an insurance card, we continuously pay an insurance company in exchange for paying exorbitant fees to the medical professionals. Interestingly enough, the insurance companies pay much smaller fees for the same procedures that would drive us into bankruptcy if we had to pay with currency from our own pockets. Occasionally, an insurance company that we have been loyal to for many years, giving them many of our dollars and cents, decides we aren't worth their help and they terminate our relationship just when we need them most. Many people in our country argue violently to maintain this lopsided relationship in which they have no power because they believe the rhetoric that nationalized healthcare will wind up with people not being treated. And most people would rather not be treated by medical professionals because they can't afford it than to not be treated by medical professionals in a hypothetical situation that will never actually come to pass.

Okay, that's enough negative space. Here's the first page of this comic book that is simply adorable and chilling at the same time. Like a baby dressed as a shark!

It's Captain America's origin story!

Open-Window Man is observing this chalk scene representation of an event that happens on every world he's been to. And he finds, every time, he's too late to do anything about it. Was Open-Window Man the orphan on his world? Did the same thing happen to him? And when the American flag flew in the open window, did he just see the event differently than Captain America saw it? So instead of seeing an American flag as a symbol to terrify those that would scoff at laws, Open-Window Man saw an opportunity to transport himself, like the American flag, from outside to inside! Exactly what a hero would want to be able to do! Who in their right mind would want to be the American flag?!

As Open-Window Man watches the chalk figure boy cry his eyes out over his dead parents (remembering all the while that these chalk figures are merely representations of a thug murdering a man and a woman without a pearl necklace), the chalk boy begins speaking to him (so forget that part about remembering these figures being a representation!). It asks for his help and then the conversation is interrupted by the title of this comic book, "Tekel Upharsin."

Being that I don't know Hebrew, I decided to consult Lord Google who I was assured knew Hebrew! But he knew it too well and kept expecting me to understand the meaning of the pictorial representations of the sounds of the language. He even offered to let me hear the sounds uttered but I didn't think that would do me any good. So instead, I donned on my swamp pants and waded into Wikipedia. Wikipedia told me that the phrase "Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin" was written on the wall of Babylonian King Belshazzar's palace during a drunken orgy where some sacred vessels stolen from a Solomon's Temple were totally Two Girled, One Cupped. The literal translation seems to just be a list of measures of currency but the interpreted translation meant that Babylon was fucked.

Let me interrupt myself for a second to say, "Holy fucking shit. I can't believe all my bullshit on symbols and language and currency actually ended up being perfect commentary for the title of the comic book that I had yet to read." I now return you to the not-so-regularly scheduled reading.

Anyway, the "Tekel Upharsin" stuff seems to be the etymology of the term "the writing on the wall." I think that's what China Mieville is getting at. Imminent doom! As in, this fucking book has been cancelled, bitches!

As the graffiti story continues with Open-Window Man watching, I realize Open-Window Man probably caused the American flag that Captain America takes inspiration from. Being that the American Flag came in through an open window and Open-Window Man is watching Captain America's life pass him by, it makes sense that he would help him in some, small ways. Also, he's probably watching the Preboot Captain America!

A bunch of other DC heroes can hear and see them too! Like Scarlet Witch and Iron Man and Thor and Thunderbolt and Moon Knight too!

While Open-Window Man helps train little Captain America, Nelson and Roxie and the rest of the Dial Bunch hang out and watch other Graffiti heroes or talk Dial Politics or chat about the inclement orange weather. They're also trying to get their hands on a Dial that Captain Random stole from The Fixer when The Fixer came to turn off Captain Random's Dial. This is a J-Dial. A Jump Dial. It's used to travel between worlds and Captain Random's stealing it as she died caused The Fixer to lose her ability to travel easily between worlds. The Dial Bunch would like to get their hands on it so they can travel right to The Fixer's home and defeat her. But there's a singularly single problem that everybody has probably already guessed by now.

I could visit this planet with a full bladder and become their big company-wide crossover supervillain: The Piss Eraser!

Open-Window Man continues to train little Captain America as he explains to him why they need to stop The Fixer and her romantic interest The Human Centipede. Little Captain America wonders how they know The Human Centipede is going to do bad things. So Open-Window man describes the movie and its sequel to him and Little Captain America agrees they must be stopped. But he's still too nice so Open-Window Man hatches the plan I knew he would hatch because Master Comic Book Reader over here!

I hope he drew the American flag correctly as it came through the open window!

This issue is all about explication. Occasionally comic books resort to a story like that, perhaps because a writer is leaving and he wants to lay down some history no matter how horrible it turns out (as in Superboy with Scott Lobdell and his explanation of Harvest). And sometimes it's done so beautifully, it makes you want to weep all the way back to when you were fourteen and Marilyn Mendoza told you she doesn't like being stared at as she walked past you in the library during lunch (as in this issue. This one. Right here).

Open-Window Man also explains who his friends are.

Ejad is my favorite.

Open-Window Man is a hero and not a Dialer. And Bansa, the last of the Dial Bunch, used to be a Dialer until she realized she was stealing powers and was getting heroes killed. Her use of the Dial resulted in Boy Chimney's death. And when she found Open-Window Man to apologize and be punished, he instead joined forces with her to stop any more trouble from Dials and The Fixer. And then Open-Window Man tells his Origin.

How has this been cancelled while Scott Lobdell's excrement continues to sell well? It's sad that familiar characters rather than well told stories sell comic books.

The Dial Bunch seem to be at an impasse. They cannot retrieve the J-Dial because it is merely graffiti on a wall. And Open-Window Man doesn't understand this world because there are no windows. But Little Captain America points out that there are indeed windows. Right there. Drawn right on the walls. And suddenly Open-Window Man knows how to get the Dial. He has Nem G-Dial a bus with windows and Open-Window Man climbs through the passenger side window and out of the window of a graffiti house! He figured it out! Just like Batman would have! I mean, just like Captain America would have!

Why isn't the female hero doing the Boob-Butt Showcase? This world is weird!

Turns out Open-Window Man didn't draw anything flying through anything else. While Little Captain America slept, Open-Window Man was drawing him a Captain America Cave. But once Little Captain America sees it, he doesn't want it because it doesn't belong there. He loves it and thinks it's neat but it shouldn't exist. So Open-Window Man wipes it clean. And I bet it's the action of Open-Window Man wiping the chalk clean that gives Little Captain America his inspiration to become The Eraser! Except that's just speculation on my part. We'll have to wait until the The New 52's Eighth Wave when The Eraser comes out.

Dial H #13 Rating: +3 Ranking. This issue was just all kinds of awesome. Stupid readers not supporting it.

Green Arrow #21

I knew it! He's a Hentai Rapetopus!

Sheesh! I get it, Green Arrow! You have secrets! They're probably not even very interesting secrets! I bet the secret is your dad stranded you on that island on purpose to make you grow up. Also, your dad probably didn't say he loved you enough and was always away on business trips and never played catch with you and was drunk all the time and moved to Japan and then to Oregon and then to Arizona and he never kept a stable living environment and he tucked a number of new marriages under his belt and he became paranoid about the government and technology and then he was killed by Komodo! Or maybe your dad is Magus! You know what? I don't even care anymore. Keep your stupid secrets secret!

I hope we learn Green Arrow's secrets this issue! I'm only pretending I don't want to know them in front of Green Arrow because he's been teasing us with his stupid secrets for four issues now. Maybe more! And, um, maybe less. You know what? I didn't bring this up so we could discuss my mediocre math skills.

Last issue, Green Arrow had finally found his way through the desert to a teepee with Magus inside. After a few S'mores and an agonizingly long pillow fight scene, Magus and Oliver begin a game of truth or dare. Even though I really wanted to see the kind of nipple stiffening dares these guys would get up to (especially after the long tease of a pillow fight where most of their clothes remained on), they skip the dares and get right down to the truths.

Oh! Here they come! All the deadly secrets!

Of course no secrets spill out of Magus's face because he's an asshole mystic and they always have to do everything in some half-assed drug-induced magical blah de blah ritual. Green Arrow hallucinates that he's back on the island. I hope he figures out who Jacob really was and why the smoke monster enjoyed kidnapping people and what Dharma was ultimately trying to do and how Locke's father ended up on the island and why the Man in Black wanted to kill Jacob and why Claire's son Aaron was supposed to be so important and why the idiot writers decided the island wasn't purgatory when it so obviously was for the first couple of seasons.

Ollie doesn't hallucinate his time on the island but the time that his father, Richard, was on it searching for some mythical treasure of The Arrow Clan. He's there with Emerson and a guy named Simon that could possibly be Komodo but I'm really hoping it's Simon Stagg! He'd be a great rival for Queen Industries and Richard also mentions that the Outsiders have recently been exploring this island as well. New 52 Metamorpho would be perfect working for a bad guy group of heroes under the auspices of Stagg Industries because Rex wants to marry Sapphire. Look at me! I'm still living in the Preboot world! But the Preboot world is all that makes the Reboot world exciting! Elsewhere tales are always fun because of the changes and games they play with the original universe. And what is The New 52 but an Elsewhere tale out of control?

So the guy with the Totem Fist? Is it mummified? Does he have to cut off his own hand and attach it at the wrist? Is it just a symbolic carving that gives power? I hope it's the mummified fist of the Buddha.

The Simon is simply Simon Lacroix, Komodo. Maybe he'll change his name to Stagg when he markets a Robot Vampire that turns a bunch of people into vampires and they all sue and he loses his business and reputation! And the main plaintiff against him will be Tim Drake!

Simon was a poor kid with drive and determination. He was the son Dick Queen really wanted. So he brought Simon into the secret quest for the Arrow Clan's Magic Arrow. When did Green Arrow become a Young Adult Fantasy Novel? As you probably guessed from having read so many Young Adult Fantasy Novels, Simon winds up killing Dick Queen. It was inevitable. It's exactly what happened to Daddy Warbucks when he took in Little Orphan Annie.

After hearing this story from Magus the man of mystery, Oliver Queen believes it because why not. Emerson did try to tell Oliver something about the island just before he died and it could have been all this fantastic bullshit! And Komodo is pretty good with arrows! And Dick Queen did have a room full of artifacts and maps. Actually, Ollie simply wants to kill Komodo so he figures he might as well buy into the whole story since it'll give him the best chance to find the Outsiders and find Komodo and kill him for being a huge dick.

After the scary story part of the slumber party concludes, Magus introduces Green Arrow to his friend, Butcher of the Axe Clan.

If the Axe is a real weapon, I think I might need a vomit bag when he meets the leader of the Fist Clan.

Ollie heads back to Seattle to gather up Team Green Arrow (that would be Naomi and Fyff) for a trip to Vlatava to meet up with some "dragon" that may be able to lead him to The Outsiders. But more importantly, Green Arrow answers the question I've been asking about the Justice League for some time now. Well, he answers it for the Justice League of America anyway.

I suppose the government would want to pay their employees so they can feel like they have some kind of ownership of them. The normal Justice League is probably more pure and would see paychecks as tainting the entire thing. Maybe Batman just keeps a few hundred thousand dollars of petty cash on the Watchtower for whenever anybody needs a little help in their secret lives.

Green Arrow #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm glad that Queen Industries is done. It was just a distraction and an obligation with which Oliver Queen should not have had to deal. Now he can be a true hero to the disenfranchised! But back to the JLA paying its members! How do they pay Martian Manhunter? I guess they could make a check out to John Jones. Hell, they could make a check out to anybody and J'onn could probably cash it.

Earth 2 #13

This is either Steel penetrating a Fire-Pit or The Atom conducting a prostate exam.

Last week on Earth 2, Newest Batman came to town! Now the biggest mystery on Earth 2 is who is Newest Batman? I bet it's Mister Terrific!

This week, Captain Steel goes fire snorkeling! The title of this issue is "1,370°C" because Americans have yet to get on board with the whole Celsius thing and, as such, the unit used in the temperature still has to be denoted. Also this is the melting point of steel which I didn't have memorized but I know how to think! I figured it was either that or a new boy band that Steel was starting. And when the Google search of "boy band 1370°C" didn't turn up anything, I tried the melting point of steel. It turned out to be that one. By the way, is Fahrenheit 451 called Celsius 232 in every other country in the world?

Captain Steel is heading into a Fire-pit in an experimental ship called Red Torpedo. Commander Khan thinks the Fire-Pits might be a means for Steppenwolf to launch a sneak attack around the world while the World Army is busy invading Dehrain. So Commander Steel gets to explore one and put to rest the rumors of a fiery figure kidnapping people around the Fire-pit in Rio De Janeiro.

Here we see Captain Steel using a lot of words.

Then after ten pages of background story on Commander Steel the Cold-Hearted Snake, he plunges into the Fire-Pit and the scene changes to Hawkgirl.

So what? All that build up and we don't get to explore the Fire-Pit until next issue? Maybe James Robinson won't finish that part of the story before he leaves and the next writer will forget that Captain Steel is in the Fire-Pit and he'll be lost forever and forgotten. If that happens, I'll be pissed. Because I paid $2.99 for this comic book and if the rest of that story isn't told, I might as well just tear out the first ten pages and throw them in the garbage.

Meanwhile in China, Hawkgirl continues to investigate Alan Scott's fiancee's murder. The trail leads her to a graveyard where she's attacked by mutant Apoko-rats being ridden by laser wielding warriors. After the battle, she gets to meet, briefly, Newest Batman!

Swoon!

Apparently Sam, Alan Scott's refrigerated fiance, was up to no good with Kanto the Assassin. Maybe. That's what Hawkgirl needs to find out! So that's one mystery on Earth 2! And another mystery on Earth 2 is who is Newest Batman? And another mystery on Earth 2 is where is Mister Terrific? And another mystery on Earth 2 is what the fuck is in the Fire-Pit? Well guess what! That one gets solved at the end of this issue!

Somebody suddenly seems to care about something.

Earth 2 #13 Rating: No change. I personally didn't like how much time was spent on Steel's backstory. I think it could have been done more effectively with less explication. Show a nearly crippled young boy. Father experiments on him. Suddenly see he's a man that cannot be broken but then see that he's a man that can't care either. I like the character though so maybe it worked out for the best. Maybe I wouldn't have liked him if Robinson didn't give so much away! Oh the conundrum! I am quite intrigued by The Red Lantern scare! That was a nice ending.

Stormwatch #21

Is this one of those 3-D paintings that were pulled off the market because they were sparking psychic abilities in the viewers?

Everybody buckle up and put on your dimension hopping safety silver cords! It's time for a trip into The Magenta Timeline!

But first, the theme song for The Great Magenta Time Line!

It's the Magenta Time Line!
Get on board!
The Magenta Time Line!
We'll ignore
The New 52 paradigm!
To a place where Ted Kord's still alive!
Amanda Waller might be thin!
And where Stormwatch can re-begin!

In the Magenta Time Line!
With Jenny Soul!
The Magenta Time Line!
There's a new Lobo!
Get on board! Just ignore! the stories that were told before!
Roaring to a new timeline where Wildstorm might survive!

In the Magenta Time Line! Oh-ee-oh!
The Magenta Time Line! Let's time warp!
The Magenta Time Line! Really time warp!
The Magenta Time Line!
OFF WE GO!

This explains so much about the Preboot Lobo!

Jim Starlin, I mean The Magenta Time Lords have a brief discussion where they try to explain why Lobo is so unexplainable. How can one character be more powerful than every other character in the entirety of the DC Universe and still manage to lose every fight against every opponent he encounters?! How can a creature regenerate from the smallest of skin cells and yet be killed by Rob Liefeld's Deathstroke? How can a creature that doesn't mind exterminating planets allow himself to be raped by Bueno Excellente and then blackmailed by Hitman who has the video of the event in multiple locations? Why wouldn't he just destroy Earth to make sure nobody ever sees the footage? Okay, that was an unfair example because it was from the Preboot years. But I'm assuming the sodomy still happened in The Magenta Timeline!

Eventually The Magenta Time Lords chalk it up to their not knowing everything even though they know everything because not knowing everything makes life worth living. Or something.

Stormwatch sends the Zealot Lizard People on their way with a hearty thank you for saving us but could you please get out of our space now. The Lizards seem nonplussed by this reaction because they're used to being turned away on people's porches when they're merely trying to pass along the good word. I think the good word is "The Bruticus are cunts." When the Lizards leave, Hellstrike decides the best next course of action is to go have some drinks at a local Douli-7 bar.

We also find out that Jenny Soul is sixteen. So the year in the Magenta Time Line must be 2017 since Century Babies are born on the first day of the new century. Or Jim Starlin made a huge mistake! Or things work differently in the Magenta Time Line! Oh man. What a genius! I can't point out any mistake by Jim Starlin because he can just reply (while wagging his finger in my face), "Unh unh unh! Magenta Time Line! Things are different!" The man is bulletproof!

Unluckily for Stormwatch, Lobo is currently in the bar they just entered! Luckily for Stormwatch, he doesn't seem to know he's supposed to kill them.

The Magenta Time Lords were trying to keep Lobo sedated because he's a loose cannon (that's a cannon that doesn't mind how many balls are shoved down its throat). Looks like Lobo can keep himself sedated though.

The Magenta Time Lords decide the best way to deal with Stormwatch is a barroom brawl. So they mind fuck the Bruticus and the Caimonites so that they'll assault and kill Stormwatch. The Magenta Time Lords are stupid. Just let Lobo off his fucking leash! He can kill them all! Although he was beaten once before by Jenny Quantum in another colored Time Line, so Jenny Soul might be more than a match for him.

When Hellstrike says "a couple of alternative lifestyle types," I'm fairly certain he meant "faggots." I'm just saying it reads more realistically and truer to the crux of his lament that way. I'm not saying I approve! I'm a fucking critic, okay?! I have to point out flaws! Be confident in your portrayal of your characters! Let them be themselves! Who else but a bigoted asshole would think of Apollo and Midnighter as "alternative lifestyle types" before thinking of them as "bad-assed ass-kicking bad asses out to kick major ass"?

While Stormwatch fights the two nobody alien races, Lobo stumbles out of the bar. The Weird and Jenny Soul follow him so that Jenny can enter his mind and read his emanations! But she's only sixteen! She's going to lose so much innocence going into Lobo's mind!

Inside Lobo's head is the trap set by the Magenta Time Lords! They're waiting behind his frontal lobe and ambush Jenny Soul! The Magenta Time Lords lay out a bunch of bullshit to Jenny Soul in the hopes that she'll buy what they're selling. Only one time line exists where Jenny Soul will not ruin the Magenta Time Lords' plan. So the Magenta Time Lords tell her a great big lie about Lobo destroying the universe in every time line except one. Hey! Guess which one that will be! To get Jenny Soul to create the one time line she probably shouldn't create, they tell her Lobo needs to be in a specific place at a specific time. And then they send her back to make her decision. And the little dope goes with the Magenta Time Lords' plan. Well, who wouldn't trust a guy with a flaming face that proclaims he's saving billions of people by manipulating timelines while ignoring all of the lives that never get to exist because of his machinations?

Does this mean they're double crossing Lobo as well? That won't end well.

Stormwatch catches up with Jenny as Lobo begins to channel some mysterious energy. They decide that the best thing to do is wait around and see what happens instead of maybe killing Lobo or moving him from the exact spot he supposedly needed to be in. Meanwhile the Magenta Time Lords begin crowing about how they're now instituting their best time line ever: The Ebony Timeline!

Stormwatch #21 Rating: +1 Ranking. Goddammit! So now they won't be the Magenta Time Lords anymore? They're the Ebony Time Lords? Or should I simply have referred to them as the Crayola Time Lords? And Lobo is being seriously underutilized here! I hope he helps defeat the Crayola Time Lords and is offered a job with Stormwatch. That would be entertaining. For me! And probably not entertaining for thousands of people who fucking hate Lobo.

Batwing #21

I'm genuinely surprised that this comic made it to Issue #21.

Lord Lion-Mane is so much cooler than Batwing that I'm rooting for the bad guy to win this battle. Is Batwing really a popular character or is this comic book just getting by on its connections to Batman and Batman, Incorporated? It's not even the original Batwing anymore! At least the original Batwing was from Africa. Now we've got a spoiled rich American genius corporate tool running around Africa trying to solve their problems. It feels a bit imperialistic to me. And arrogant. And pretentious. You know, just the type of thing Bruce Wayne is known for.

Last issue, Batwing beat up all of Lord Lion-Mane's wives (both the human ones and the tiger ones, although the human ones weren't going to be put down later. I don't think). Lord Lion-Mane was pretty upset for some reason, so he decided to eat Batwing. Lord Lion-Mane actually looks pretty cool.

There should be more ridiculous characters like this.

Batwing and Lord Lion-Mane discuss politics and religion for a few pages before Batwing wins the debate by running him over with the Batwingmobile. Batman congratulates him and tells him to come home.

Just another victory for Batman and Justice Bruce Wayne and huge profits!

So Batwing isn't setting up house in Africa? I hope he travels the world like he told his father he was going to do. And while traveling the world, he'll team up with Batmen from every other country! And then the name of the comic book will change to The Fairly Brave and the Somewhat Bold.

Back in Gotham City, Lucas Fox battles the super villain Zena. He loses that fight and learns that he's not going to get any more no sex from her. He's also not going to get any sex from her which might have been inferred from that last statement. She thinks he's an immature asshole and not worth dating. So Lucas learns what Bruce and Dick already know. To outward eyes, being a super hero with a secret identity looks an awful lot like an immature slacker. Remember that ladies! That bum you dumped because he never called and always seemed to be sleeping in until 3:00 PM could have been fighting crime all night! Give him a chance!

Female super heroes don't have this problem because men are shallow assholes when it comes to dating and are only interested in their boob windows.

Through sheer Bat-Determination and a saliva activating muscle display, Batwing gets a second wind and defeats his foe!

Meanwhile Lord Lion-Mane and his captors are flying to whatever country has a justice system capable of convicting a half-man, half-lion God. But Lord Lion-Mane has a thigh loosening muscle display and sheer Lion Grit, so he also defeats his foes! He also has Lady Termite Queen and her allies, The Termite People, on his side. Or not on his side, I guess. They seem to have hijacked the plane merely to kill Lord Lion-Mane. But that doesn't go so well since the lead Termite makes the most common error in comics and movies: he decides to threaten somebody with a gun at point blank range.

Hey dumb dumb! You do know how guns work, right? They fire a projectile and can kill from range. How many stupid assholes get disarmed like this every year in poorly plotted movies and comic books? Also, I'm pretty sure that entire panel was merely a pun on "disarmed."

Lord Lion-Mane jumps from the plane to go kill Batwing. Or splatter against the ground. I suppose as a half-man, half-lion God, he knows his limits. How is Batwing supposed to defeat a creature that can survive falling out of an airplane?

Back in Gotham, Lucas decides to have dinner with his judgmental family full of judging judges and jerky jerks.

I think I found the new Robin!

And then Lucius Fox's house is surrounded by Termite Men! Boy, Batman is going to be in so much trouble if Lucius gets wind of this.

Batwing #21 Rating: No change. Is the next issue going to be a big slapstick battle between Lucas and the Termite Men as Lucius wanders around the house bitching about how lazy his son is and never realizing his son is saving everyone's lives? Also, Lucas's niece will probably realize what's going on and become the Penny to Batwing's Inspector Gadget. Maybe she'll become his gadget guy and create a bunch of cute Hello Kitty themed weapons.

The Movement #2

This comic book is called The Movement #2.

Last issue I wondered who The Movement's billionaire backers were because I forgot that a comic book called "The Green Team" was also coming out. Commodore Murphy would fit the bill but he and J.P. Houston mention a "cult" that has been harassing the Commodore. That cult is The Riot Act who seem to speak for the Middle Class. The Movement speaks for the lower class and, perhaps, are also a "cult" that have been hassling the rich (not that the rich shouldn't be hassled! If you want to make a shit ton of money exploiting millions of other people and manipulating law to your benefit, then you don't deserve to live hassle-free). My guess is that J.P.'s sister, L.L., is funding The Movement. Mostly because she's young and cute and would fit right in with the other kids in this group.

Last issue two cops were acting like people tend to act when they join a fraternal organization that is told they are an authority and arbiter of right and wrong when actually they're just more people with all the normal flaws and fears that go with that. How is it those people tend to act? Like they can do fucking anything and anything they do is right. Well now these two dirty cops have been captured by Virtue and the Movement. They're being given a tour of Coral City's version of the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory. It's basically the historical poster child for why you can't trust a capitalist free market devoid of government regulations. I mean, I guess you can if you have people like The Movement willing to fuck some serious shit up when corporations treat workers worse than the machines the workers oversee.

My political views entry on Facebook used to read "Ivory Tower Marxist." People would often ask if I were really a Marxist and then I'd have to stop being frustratingly subtle and explain to them that what that means is I'm for educating oneself and taking as much responsibility for your life and well-being as you possibly can. Control the means and production of your own life. Don't rely on a corporation or the government for your health and happiness and prosperity. Now my political views say, "And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about. I can understand why a system built on a pattern must try to destroy the free mind, for this is one thing which can by inspection destroy such a system. Surely I can understand this, and I hate it and I will fight against it to preserve the one thing that separates us from the uncreative beasts. If the glory can be killed, we are lost." That's from East of Eden by John Steinbeck. And since I'm going on about my Facebook profile, here's what it says for my Religious Views: "Our partial knowledge of reality is sufficient to get us by--for a while longer. Cause and effect bumble on, and we go with them; like good middle-class Americans we keep paying on our insurance policies, hoping to outbet the actuary tables. What will destroy us in the end is synchronicity; eventually we will arrive in a blind intersection at 4:00 A.M. the same time another idiot does, also tanked up with beer; both of us will then depart for the next life, with probably the same outcome there, too. Synchronicity, you see, can't be anticipated; that's one of its aspects." That's by Philip K. Dick and except for the departing for the next life bit, I think it's pretty fucking spot on.

Oh, so Virtue brings the cops to meet the kids they hassled in the less poo-titled The Movement #1.

Katharsis messed this bitch up. Even when it's only happening to fictional bad people, I hate seeing teeth knocked out.

Virtue locks the cops up and then the cop starts sputtering some shit about The Movement being like the factory owners and locking people up. That's bullshit because these cops abused their power treating other people like shit and deserve some kind of punishment or scare or timeout. The factory workers just wanted to feed their fucking families and live their Goddamned lives and got treated like shit. Now, if the cop had compared The Movement to the cops of Coral City, going about thinking they have the authority to do anything they like as long as it fits The Movement's perception of right, then I'd say he had a really strong point!

Vengeance Moth makes an appearance during this scene. Her super power seems to be having fruit snacks on hand. Seriously though, what kind of super power would lead you to name yourself Vengeance Moth? I have a feeling she punishes light bulbs somehow. Perhaps she can create darkness or manipulate light? Or maybe she simply has the power of erratic flight and likes to punish those who deserve punishment? I have a feeling I shouldn't let the meek attitude and the fruit snacks cloud my judgment. You don't add "vengeance" to your name without proper reasons.

Meanwhile, Mouse is breaking down the way he probably breaks down every day or two.

Given the life expectancy of a rat of 2-4 years, and given that Mouse has tens of thousands of rats, and doing the pretend math, I have to figure one dies every other day. Also, I kind of get the wanting to eat him thing.

Meanwhile the Police Chief realizes that Virtue and her pals "slid their dicks down his throat and made him say thank you," to paraphrase and steal a quote from Negan over in Walking Dead. And Chiefy didn't like it at all. It made him feel uncomfortable and powerless and a little bit sick. So he's ready to invade the Tweens after he goes back to the station to get some mouthwash and/or more firepower.

In the secret war room of The Movement, the first Narration Boxing of The Movement occurs. It's the kind of Narration Boxing that works because it fits the thoughts of the character at the moment. And they're full of crazy because it's Burden that's thinking these things as if he's speaking to his mom, or composing a mental letter to her. He believes he does not have super powers but is instead possessed by Satan. Virtue thinks he can lend some muscle to the team but he seems pretty set against violence. I have a feeling they are going to have to quote scripture at him when they need him to amp up his powers. At least that's better than Skitters who had to spend hours in a cocoon before changing into a creature that might possibly help the Teen Titans or might possibly attack the Teen Titans. That character was a bust. I imagine she'll eventually make her way back to the book with the ability to control her powers better.

Shit, I started talking about a Scott Lobdell book again! At least I didn't spend a paragraph ranting like a madman about Lobdell's writing! I'm turning over a new leaf (whatever the fuck that means) and only praising writers and artists now, no matter how bad they are at their job!

Besides the Narration Boxing, the Movement is also trying to decide what to do with the officers.

Katharsis's plan is to castrate them. I think.

Excuse me, Katharsis's plan is to deal with the Cornea Killer while the rest of the group decide to go see The Witch. Both ventures end in violence and revelations.

Well let's not dismiss the mental patient thing out of hand either.

Maybe Katharsis's venture ends in a better revelation than Virtue's group's venture. The Witch turns out to be The Weather Witch also known as The Rainmaker. This is significant because some of the evidence at the scene of every Cornea Killer murder indicate that a small, localized rainstorm was present at every murder. Also, the Weather Witch has glowing eyes and corneas happen to occur in only two places in the human body: the eyes and the...oh wait, just the eyes. I was never very good at Biologistry.

The Movement #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Is that why Katharsis had to leave Knightfall's group? Was she undercover trying to nail Charise for crimes against good taste? Wait, did she eat her family? Was that joke in bad taste? I don't remember her crazy history very well! I'm surprised I even remembered her name! Anyway, was she transferred to run undercover with The Movement because Charise is being watched by a new undercover agent by the name of Ferdie?

Catwoman Annual #1

Do gang wars still make for interesting stories? The last gang war I was interested in reading about was written in 1594.

The Penguin Gang War begins in the Badlands of Gotham City. They're called the Badlands because they're composed of land that has gone bad. It happens when too many dead people are buried in one place. The soil spoils. And then everything develops this psychic funk and only poor people and criminals are hardy enough to live there. Bruce Wayne would love to buy up all of the old buildings and turn them into condominiums and make a huge profit while displacing hundreds of poor residents, but he can't do it because the land has gone so bad. Not one rich person would invest in the property. It must work that way or else Batman would have already bought up all this great land that's not earning its potential due to government subsidized housing.

So the Penguin Gang is involved in this war because the missiles that are bearing down on the Rat Tales (Woo-ooo!) gang member are shaped and painted like little penguins. They're practically penguns! As these penguin missiles are flying (Ann Nocenti! Penguins can't fly! Sheesh!) through the air, Catwoman is swinging into town using her whip like a Batgrapple. Fuck, why not? Everybody else in Gotham swings from building to building. In the background, a suspicious ice cream truck delivers ice cream to kids and other highly suspicious activities. Who would bring their ice cream truck into the Badlands?! Worst business owner ever! But probably a good undercover assassin and/or police officer!

I hope Ann Nocenti informs us of an urban legend about sneakers on wires while passing it off as a fact!

And on the next page, she does! I know you so well, my lovely little Annie-poo.

I like how she leads with the myths but then covers her bases with the reality of it. "Ever wonder why cars drive around without their headlights on? It's because they want to kill you when you flash them. Or they're drunk. But most of the time, they just forgot." "Ever wonder why you see sweaters in the gutter? Because people throw them there sometimes!"

I was hit by a car once and I kept my shoes on because I'm a fucking rebel.

Back to Catwoman, I guess she came to the Badlands because she's tired of stealing shit and she wants to get into the social welfare game. She's going to save these Rat-Tales (Woo-ooo!) whether they want saving or not! This one kid didn't need saving though because he was like a car on black ice! That means he was out of control, in case you didn't get the reference. Ann Nocenti didn't think you would get the reference so she over-explained it so I thought I would over-explain it as well! I probably have dumber readers than she does, so I can never be too careful! I don't want to confuse any of you. Am I typing too fast?

Oh! Here's why Catwoman was in the Badlands in her own meows!

I wonder who knows Catwoman's cell phone number? I wonder where Catwoman keeps her cell phone? Probably in her boobs. I mean boots! I meant boots! Once when I was Captain Cold and I was throwing a large get-together in my secret ice lair, Blossom of the Power Puff Girls (Age 28, from the future) told Death of The Endless that she should come down stairs to see her boots. But Samurai Stickman thought she said "boobs" and almost killed himself when he rushed down the stairs to get a glimpse and slipped on a patch of ice. How many warnings does a super villain have to give his guests? I'm Captain Fucking Cold, Motherfuckers! Watch your step!

The Rat Tales (Woo-oo!) leader asks Catwoman to be his Second (which means the guy that will drive the car for him if he gets conked on the head while picking up a penny) but Catwoman describes how she's at a point in her life where she feels working by herself is in the best interests of everybody. Then they run from the police giggling and screaming.

"Later at the Gotham City Police Department Headquarters," Detective Alvarez and Detective I Hate Poor People argue about whether to beat up on some poor kids or ask them some questions. Either way, they want information on why people in tuxedos are beating up on Rat Tales (Woo-oo!). And when I say they "argue," I actually mean they each hold one side of two different conversations while raising their voices and pointing at each other. Maybe they really aren't talking to each other! Maybe they're both wearing bluetooth devices in the ear that I can't see because it's on the side of the panel facing away from the reader.

Even though Alvarez didn't say anything about talking to anyone, they are using each others' names. And if this were dialogue from Keith Giffen, I'd probably let it slide because it does make sense if you want to ignore all of the other times that two people speak at instead of to each other in Nocenti's books.

Selina is back at her apartment watching the live feed from the camera she stuck under Alvarez's desk. Luckily she's not simply getting more crotch shots of Alvarez as he masturbates during lunch. This time she struck gold! She gets to hear all the leads the cops have on this gang war case!

"NO! NO! Don't put your Trench Coat of Silence over the camera, you cigar smoking twat!"

I guess since it's a comic book, once Harvey blocks the camera, Selina can no longer read their speech bubbles. So now she's going to have to find her own lead on this case!

Selina doesn't get to hear Bullock's conclusion that the men in nice outfits are The Penguin's men and that means The Penguin is behind all the shoes hanging from all the wires. She also misses Detective Poor People Are Assholes do her best police work when she claims Catwoman is the prime suspect in the murder! I think her main evidence is "look at the size of her tits." She doesn't say that but it's a compelling argument.

Oh! I forgot the theme song for this issue:

Life is like a wrecked train! Here in Gotham!
Murderers and the insane! It's a bedlam!
Might meet the Batman! He'll kick your ass, man!

Butt Fails! (BRRRRT BRRT!)
Every time I watch this show my butt fails! (BRRRRT BRRT!)
Oops, I think I meant to say the Rat Tales! (Squee-eeek!)

That's all the theme song it gets. Two stanzas. I almost said one stanza and one refrain but it's not really a refrain if I never re frain it!

Meanwhile The Penguin has built another penguin shaped rocket that only homes in on Catwoman shaped objects! And he's telling Gwen about it because Gwen's the most likely person to tell Catwoman! Wait. That sounds like a bad plan! I must not know the important part of the plan that relies on Gwen telling Catwoman that The Penguin is a mean jerk-faced butthole.

Oh look! There they go again, explaining their reasons after I've already done all of my speculation! I'm glad I already speculated about him being a jerk-faced butthole because I nailed that one! Hmm, that sounds uncomfortable.

The Penguin also hires Hypnoto for some reason or another. I also don't think his name is actually Hypnoto but I can't remember what it is. I think he's one of the new mob bosses like Gas Flask Head and Mr. Toxicity. Those aren't their real names either.

Meanwhile in the Gotham City Police Department Headquarter's Morgue (whew!) Detective Poor People Stink is still trying to frame the murder on Catwoman. But the Cadaverologist informs them that the recent dead Rat Tale (Woo-oo!) died from mysterious wounds. Which is a total lie because the things he says in his first speech bubble don't add up and make it seem like an incomprehensible mystery! It's only when he reaches his third speech bubble that he reveals he's a master of the false set-up and actually has seen these mortal wounds before! That's when Bullock jumps in and starts trying to pin the murder on the person he wants to be the murderer, The Penguin! It's like each detective just picks somebody at random and then tries to make the facts fit so they can convict their pony. Boy, wouldn't it be crazy if this is how real police work were done!

....

That beat there was to give you time to tilt your head to the side and think, "But that's the way it is done!" and then to realize that that's what I meant and then to rerealize that I'm just s stupid idiot for thinking it because you're an internet reader and every reaction you have must be equal and opposite to my reaction! It's like a universal law to prove how the reader is more intelligent than the writer. That's why forums exist! So writers can always be told that they're stupid morons!

But we need it! Because every writer knows they're better and smarter and less dumb and not quite as stupid as everybody else ever! It's why that whole "books are better than television" lie continues to persist. If you write "Books are better than television," it must be true because writing is smart! But television can't announce that books are dumb because books already own that stratagem. Except now the world is full of nearly two grown generations that only read the internet and everybody knows the internet is even dumber than television!

Now my feelings are hurt! I'm so stupid. I read Catwoman, therefore I'm dumb.

Oh shit! Before I distracted myself, I was going to scan this panel with Bullock:

And to think I refrained from calling you a fat fuck earlier! I opted for "twat" instead. You, sir, are the pot smoker calling the kettle chip eater fat.

And then I solve the case because I knew no Ice Cream man would be fucking driving around the Badlands with all that cash and sweet, sweet cream! He's the fucking murderer! It's the Ice Cream Man! Don't stop him when he's passing by! Because he'll kill you!

Now is the part where I gather everybody into the room to tell them how I solved the murder. See, it goes like this. I saw the ice cream man in a bad neighborhood. But ice cream men never go into bad neighborhoods! That was my first clue! My second clue was the black Popsicle Detective Burn the Poor Neighborhoods Down was eating. I noticed this because I had to wonder: "Who the fuck eats black Popsicles?" And my third clue was the dead woman in the morgue! The Cadaverologist pointed out that she had eaten something black just before dying! And while she is poor and she might have been eating feces, the other clues point to something different! Something sinister! Delicious Death Delivered Daily! THE ICE CREAM MAN COMETH! I think there is a fourth clue as well in that a minority of penguins (albeit the most popular ones!) like ice and cold and snow and Ice Cream is best made with ice and cold and sno-cones. And maybe a fifth clue in that the name of the story is "Black Ice." But I can't count that clue since the characters don't have access to it! Now, do I have to read the rest of this annual now that I figured out how The Penguin is killing everyone?

Detective Alvarez and his partner, Detective 1%er, begin canvassing the Badlands to ask witnesses questions. And just when everyone is conveniently mentioning the Ice Cream Truck, it tears around the corner firing bullets and shooting missile pops! I think I also heard it mumble, "I would have gotten away with it if not for those pesky homeless guys!" Although I think it's just a coincidence and the Ice Cream Truck was coming by to kill the earlier victim's last known relative. That Ice Cream Truck can really hold a fucking grudge.

Worst detective ever! "The murderer weighed half a ton, was eight feet tall, white, and went 'ding a ling a ling'. It must be Catwoman!" Maybe if Catwoman wore white, I might think the description was close enough. Insulting, maybe! But close enough!

After Catwoman disarms the police, she tells them they should investigate the Black Ice. Oh! Well my fucking mistake! I guess Catwoman can read the titles of the comic book!

Now Catwoman just has to not get blown up. She finds a girl named Alice that lives "down under" to build a cape that deflects drones or something. Catwoman makes a point of wondering about the "down under" place Alice lives. I suppose she lives down with the goblin that was disappointed to see Catwoman leaving the Arkham Sewers so soon. This Alice is a whiz at making steampunk gadgets because the "down under" probably only ever advanced to steam technologies based on the venting pipes they live amongst. It totally makes sense and I can't wait until Catwoman has a grand adventure in the "Down Under" where she'll probably have a sexual liaison with the Cheshire Cat.

Now Catwoman decides to stand on top of a roof and thinks nonsense.

Excuse me: thinks poetry.

Once the missile homes in on Catwoman, she tries to shoot it with her gun that programs it to go back home. But the gun doesn't work. So Catwoman seduces the missile to buy time so she can call Alice and find out what's wrong with the gun. Dammit! I didn't get to see where she kept her phone! Anyway, Alice asks if Catwoman took off the safety.

Oh, fuck you, Alice! Why the hell would this gun need a safety?! Hmm, don't want it accidentally going off and shooting yourself in the vagina, causing your vagina to no longer want dick! Is that how it works? I wonder what would happen if I shot my butt with it?

Anyway, Catwoman shoots the missile and it gives up and heads home, blowing the crap out of The Penguin's henchmen and his cuffs.

There she goes! Acting like a Batperson again!

Catwoman swings into The Penguin's rooftop drone control headquarters where the Evil Ice Cream Truck is parked. I know why it's parked on the roof! So that Catwoman can have access to the Black Ice Popsicles and try to force The Penguin to eat one! But I don't know HOW it's parked up there! What an inconvenient place to store it! But then Ann Nocenti doesn't seem to understand that cars drive mostly at street level. She's the one that had The Joker driving a truck on some girders. And now the Evil Ice Cream Truck parks in a rooftop garage. Only the best for The Penguin's murdering vehicles! I love comic books with whimsy but shit in my mouth and call me Honey Wagon, I can't accept Looney Tunes levels of whimsy! The Ice Cream Truck isn't so bad. The Penguin is an odd duck. I get it. He likes to park on the top floor or the roof! But The Joker's truck that drives on girders of unfinished skyscrapers was pretty silly.

Catwoman can do a lot of things but she fails at the easiest thing in the world: getting The Penguin to eat! Instead, Catwoman is tackled by The Penguin's thugs and forced to look at Mr. Hypnoto! She's frozen and shackled and brought to The Penguin's aviary for another edition of Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm!

"Hello children! What time is it?! I said what fucking time is it, you stupid bastards! Sorry, sorry. Aunt Ann had a bad day today. I learned that baby eagles have to fight to the death because the mother eagle is too lazy to care for two chicks! I know, it's harsh, isn't it? Now you see why Aunt Ann has a drinking problem and cusses a lot. She's really angry at Mother Nature's cruelty, kids. Hey! I've got an idea! Any brothers and sisters out there? Want to ease your parents' burden? How about we start a new feature on Ann Nocenti's Knowledge Fun Farm called 'Fight to the Death so Mom Doesn't Have to Work so Hard!' Why should humans be above Pandas?! You know what Pandas do, don't you, kids? They throw one cub away if they bear two! That was a pun, you ungrateful shits! But Guinea Hens are the most like humans! They try to outrun their lovely burdens! Isn't nature awesome in its majesty? Now fuck off while Aunt Ann cries in her coffee flavored vodka, you Goddamned runts."

The Penguin obviously has selfish reasons for wanting nature to treat runts differently. So he tries to explain to Catwoman how he isn't big or powerful or good looking but he has other skills. And it really hurts the illusion that he isn't just an overblown runt eagle when Catwoman goes around stealing his mother's jewels and not paying him kickbacks. She can understand that, can't she? I mean, she's a cat and all so she's kind of above all of this. But can't she just play along so the other crime bosses don't suddenly stop and think, "What the fuck are we afraid of The Penguin for?!"

The Penguin tries to bond with Catwoman over being a couple of freaks who desperately needed their mother's love and attention but Catwoman gets hung up on pointing out some thing called Original Trauma. I think I blew my Knowledge Fun Farm facts too early!

Is "freak" technical jargon?

Because The Penguin doesn't get to the point quickly enough because he has so many, many fun facts to give away, Catwoman manages to hypnotize everybody with Mr. Hypnoto's Hypno-hypnotic powers! Then she chokes, kicks, and beats them for good measure before she threatens The Penguin to leave her alone and makes her escape. On the way out of The Penguin's Aviary, she notices another one of those Rook Statues that lead to the Down Under! I can't fucking wait for that story!

Penguin's actions drive Catwoman to work with the Rat Tales (Woo-oo!) while The Penguin decides a full out war on Catwoman and the Badlands is what this comic book needs. Detective I Hate This Detective decides to harass Catwoman as much as she can because she can't solve her case. And Bullock brings the Black Ice Toxicology reports to Mayor Hady whose probably in on the drug scam and will bury the evidence. And all this excitement is just the beginning! Stay tuned for more Knowledge Fun Farm Fun Facts in Catwoman #21!

Catwoman Annual #1 Rating: Autoerotic Original Trauma. That may or may not be a good thing. I suppose it's all about perspective.