All Star Western #17

Uh oh! Jonah Hex must have space madness!

I was under the impression that Stormwatch was going to be taking over as the main story but the cover is solid proof of my error. Fuck you, Cover! Who asked you anyway? Did you think I needed proof that I was fallible? Well, I didn't! I know I'm fallible! And by knowing I'm fallible, I think that makes me infallible! Didn't Buddha attest to that? Anyway, it might be a good thing. Like Beowulf in Swords of Sorcery, I'm hoping it'll just be enough to make it seem like the best story ever where it could easily overstay its welcome as the main story. Besides, Stormwatch already gets 20 pages of comic every month!

And so the story begins...

I think every American should try to acquaint themselves with how their family ended up here. And I'll judge those that can't figure it out somehow and stare down at them and shake my head and whisper, "No." Hmm. Apparently some of my ancestors had a gene for insanity.

I have a feeling my father's ancestors dealt with something akin to that panel. My dad's brother has done a lot of genealogical research and I have files and pictures but I've never delved into them as carefully as maybe I should. Believe it or not, I guess I'm just not that interested. I've just always been closer to my mom's family. My grandmother's mother, Dolores Ortega Correa Vega, and her parents left Malaga, Spain on April 10, 1913. They took a ship across the Atlantic and around Cape Horn to arrive in Hawaii (this was one year before the Panama Canal was finished). An arranged marriage was made between Dolores and Bartolo Gill so that Dolores's father could justify bringing another man to the New World to help earn and save money while working in the sugar cane fields in Hawaii. They were basically recruited via pamphlets sent to the Old World looking to bring more European workers into the sugar cane fields so that the Asians wouldn't get too uppity and start forming unions and shit. My fucking ancestors were brought in as union busters! Sort of. Not really. Maybe I'm too cynical.

Dolores's parents (my great, great grandparents) Ana Ortega Correa and Jose Vega Tirado with my Uncle Jerry in 1942. Thank you, Printer from the Early Nineties!

Here's an anonymous poem published in 1910 that describes the life my grandparents led:

The Five A.M. Whistle

"Awake! stir your bones! Rouse up!"
Shrieks the Five o'Clock Whistle.
"Don't dream you can nestle
For one more sweet nap.
Or your ear-drums I'll rap
With my steam-hammer tap
Till they burst.
Br-r-row-aw-i-e-ur-ur-rup!
Wake up! wake up! wake up! w-a-k-e-u-u-u-up!

Filipino and Japanee;
Porto Rican and Portugee;
Korean, Kanaka and Chinese;
Everybody whoever you be
On the whole plantation--
Wake up! wake up! wake up! w-a-k-e-u-u-u-up!

Luna and book-keeper;
Sugar boiler, store keeper;
Time-keeper, chemist;
Clerk and machinist;
Boss and Boss' Missus;
I proclaim this is
The hour to get up,
And eat a rice cup;
For I boss the Boss,
Same as man, mule and hoss,
And everything on the plantation,
I, the Sugar Mill Whistle!

Br-r-ow-aw-i-e-ur-ur-rup!
Get up! get up! get up! get up!
Mind the Five A.M. Whistle
The signal to hustle!"

Fuck me. No wonder I hate alarm clocks! My genetic memory is still rebelling from that bullshit! I think it's been around eight or nine years since I've used an alarm clock. If only my great grandparents could see me now! We're living the American Dream, Pana and Nana! I'm sure that's what I would have called them if I'd ever known them. I only knew my grandfather's mother although she probably went through the same experiences. I think she came over as a much younger child than my grandmother's mother.

Eventually my family struck it rich and became super fancy elitists. They baptized their children in champagne and threw diamonds to drive away stray dogs. When times in the middle of the country turned rough and dust storms ruled over everything, my grandparents watched the Okies drag their asses into the Bay Area looking for work. My ancestors would shit in their hands and throw it at the filthy refuse yelling, "Have you ever picked a Spanish Apple? Ha ha ha!" Eventually they came to own Santa Clara. They drove out all of the non-Spanish in a frenzy of national pride! Things were fairly peaceful until one day my grandfather gambled it all away on one throw of the dice with a wealthy white industrialist trick dice maker. Our family was ruined! They tucked their tails between their legs and retreated back into the one house they had been allowed to keep, quietly living out the rest of their days and lying to their grandchildren about the good old days.

Or something like that. I think I got most of the facts straight. Anyway that's enough super awesome history lessons for now. Let's see how things are progressing in Gotham.

Same old same old.

And so the story re-begins with Jonah Hex hunting a man into a quarantined section of the city filled with Cholera. The criminal in question seems vaguely familiar.

Oh Vandal Savage. Have you come to prepare the city for Stormwatch?! Or will Stormwatch come hunting you?

Would it surprise you, my loyal readers (and those random few who accidentally found this page while searching for porn), that this story has produced in me a level of exuberant joy heretofore unknown in the annals of mankind? Through the well-worked and bullseye'd tone of the Narrator to the fanciful and energetic art of Mr. Moritat (or is it simply, Moritat, Esquire?) to the simple joy and bravado of the pro-antagonist Vandal Savage, I am awash in majesty and splendour. Only a creature of the most vile and basest of humours would not admit to grinning at the erratic gesticulations of the monster Vandal Savage. He is a shallow creature that rides the waves of his prurient interests and he lives life as if he had nothing to lose. Which, I guess, technically speaking, he doesn't.

The stupid and incompetent are most able to revel in pure, exultant joy.

Alan Wayne casually confronts Vandal Savage and invites him to a private table upstairs so that he doesn't break Wayne's casino. Wayne does warn him that one of the regular players has a bit of a temper.

One of the things that makes this comic book so incredibly entertaining is the pacing. It has some superb beats and knows when a scene should end exactly and at what point in time the next scene should begin.

Hex leaves while warning Mrs. Wayne to keep an eye on Savage. Savage continues to charm Mrs. Wayne and very subtly threatens Alan Wayne with the loss of his casino and his wife. He doesn't really. But knowing Savage, the only reason he's being kind and charming right now is because he thinks, for whatever reason, that it will serve his purpose better than smashing skulls. What a magnificent dick! I believe this is the third appearance of Savage in The New 52 and he's been terrifically well-written in them all (Demon Knights, DC Universe Presents, and All Star Western. Am I missing any?).

While Savage went about Gotham making connections and "friends", the city continued to ignore the people in the Cholera Quarantine. But Catherine Wayne was desperate to help and delivered food supplies in secret. During one of these runs, she is pulled over the wall and kidnapped by the sickies. They hold her for ransom, demanding food and medical supplies in exchange for her safe return. This might be the reason Jonah Hex is sent into the Quarantine to kill everybody! He agrees but for a steep price: 30% of Alan Wayne's casino! Holy shit! Jonah Hex is going to start the Gotham City Mafia!

Things in the Quarantine section quickly get out of hand, leaving Hex and Arkham to run for their lives from the deranged and sick mob. What they find is not a bunch of people dying from starvation and cholera. What they find is some fucking 28 Days Later bullshit.

I'm sure the outbreak is Vandal Savage's fault. Or a raccoon's.

Hex and Arkham make their way toward the bank abandoned in the middle of the Cholera Outbreak. Hex believes it's the most defensible position against the rabid zombie cholera cannibals. Arkham just runs around shitting himself and questioning every move Hex makes. What they find inside the bank is no surprise: Vandal Savage. Apparently he realized during the Black Death that he has the ability to be a carrier of disease without succumbing to it. He brought this plague (Rabid Cholera?) to Gotham although his purpose is unclear as this issue ends. Perhaps just to sow chaos. Perhaps simply to fuck Catherine Wayne. Who can tell why a bored amoral immortal does anything?

That story was good enough to justify the $3.99 cover price and yet there remains to be read a 19th Century Stormwatch tale starring Jenny Freedom! Are you kidding me?! What a fantastic age we live in where we can get such voluminous entertainments for such negligible costs!

I'm not sure what year the Stormwatch story takes place but it's after the end of the civil war. Jenny Freedom is a long way removed from the overalls and pigtails shown in the single panel in Peter Milligan's Stormwatch. While I'm curious to see her fighting against oppression in the years before slavery ended, I'm just happy to get a look into her life with Stormwatch.

Currently Jenny is trying to stop Smokestack Jack from assassinating President Chester A. Arthur. Because Jenny has the power of steam, you can bet 19th Century Stormwatch is going to be full of steampunkery. While that could be fun, I guess I'm more interested in Jenny Freedom at the beginning of her career before she mastered her power of steam and electricity. I'm sure she began by just blasting people in the face with hot mist.

I guess she has to deal with mumbo jumbo as well!

Jenny engages Smokestack Jack with blades while her companion gets his entrails eaten by the mummies. Jenny is distracted for the briefest of moments as she resigns herself to not getting to fuck this man. She really is all about freedom! Go Jenny! Jack gets the upper hand and runs off to prepare his Electro-Boltacular-Mega-Blaster.

Of course Jenny Freedom stops him which causes his Electric-Assassinator to set his airship on fire. As the entire thing is about to explode, Jenny Freedom hops over the side to, um, freedom!

Chester A. Arthur was president from 1881 to 1885. As an American, of course I had to look that up. I also looked up the history of the parachute. The first parachute harness was developed in 1887 and packing and storing a parachute in a backpack was first invented in 1890. Apparently Jenny Freedom made these modifications to her parachute years earlier and was too busy to patent them.

After Jenny lands, she enters a pub to get a drink and smoke a pipe. And that's where it ends as she's approached by Adam who asks her if she'd like to come back to Stormwatch. He refers to her as Jenny Steam which is awesome because that's what I guessed the 19th Century Jenny would be called before I found out she was Jenny Freedom (which is much, much better than Jenny Steam!).

All Star Western #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed the Jenny Freedom comic but I felt it could have been so much more, so the back-up story is a wash. But the Jonah Hex story was, once again, tremendously entertaining. Bravo, Grey, Palmiotti, and Moritat. This may possibly be the most fun comic book in The New 52.

Teen Titans #17

Raven's here to make Red Robin feel better! In much the same way that masturbating while on heroin makes a person feel better!

Why does Red Robin look so sad? It's interesting that after all the tension and all the hype of Death of the Family, the only real thing that The Joker accomplished was hurting everybody's feelings. What a twist! And now Red Robin has to deal with all of his feels. Except Raven is here to save the day! Suck out those emotions, Emo Girl!

Oh! Speaking of Raven, HOLY FUCKING SHIT THAT NEW COSTUME IS AWFUL! Oh geez. Sorry for yelling but I've been holding that in since my commentary on Teen Titans #16 where I lost a bet with myself and could only say nice things. Okay, I kind of complained about it as best I could in the parameters I gave myself. But seriously! That feathered face mask thing bugs the shit out of me. It's a little bit reminiscent of her hood as the hood always came down to a point in the middle of her face. But it looks stupid. Or, to put it in more intellectual terms, it fills me with a ka-ka-doody feeling.

The issue begins with (possibly) Dr. Light sucking some kind of Light Bubble Power out of a young boy. Doctor Light seems awfully obsessed with showing children the "light and the way." Wasn't it revealed in the pages of the old Suicide Squad that he might have had a predilection for pedophilia? Or was that just some of the taunts he had to endure from other members since he fought the Teen Titans on so many occasions. Didn't somebody somewhere suggest that he enjoyed being beaten by children? Was that it? Oh memory, you foul and mischievous imp.

Meanwhile the Teen Titans are enjoying an awkward limo ride back to New York from Gotham. It's awkward because Red Robin's Narration Boxes tell me it's awkward. But it ends up not being so bad. Except when Bunker's speech bubble says, "Como se yama?" Is that a thing? Do people often replace "llama" with "yama" in text so that it's pronounced correctly? Maybe it's one of those young things that I'm not hip to but Lobdell is. Another weird part is when Solstice tells Red Robin she thinks of him as a friend and he says, "That means more than you realize, Solstice." But then he immediately follows up that reaction with a "Not really" Narration Box. What the fuck? Lobdell must make every moment ambiguous and full of attitude.

When they finally arrive in New York, Red Robin introduces them to their new home.

Does he have "Red Robin" on his credit card? I suppose since Tim Drake is a made up name, Red Robin must have a bunch of aliases. Does that mean he's committing fraud on multiple levels? Good for him!

The new Titans Tower is...a boat. That's right! They'll all be living on a boat! Now when New York ends up despising them, they won't have to blow up their tower and move it to cartoon San Francisco! They can just sail away and park it in Central City! Or Antarctica! Or Metropolis! Or the Arctic! Or Smallville! As you can tell, I have a really poor sense of the DCnU geography.

Red Robin's yacht has a pool, a jacuzzi, a gym, a training room, a movie theater, a game room, and a full kitchen. I'm sure there's lots of storage as well. But he had to skimp on the living quarters and he's making Kid Flash share a room with Bunker and Cassie has to share a room with Solstice. That means Red Robin will be sharing a room with his gigantic ego.

Meanwhile in Mexico:

This is either Bunker's boyfriend or his detached Siamese Twin.

After the whole Joker debacle, Red Robin has been trying to figure out how to earn his team's trust and show that he's a terrific leader that should be followed without question. And what's the best way to build team trust? Make out with one of your teammates!

And make sure it's a teammate that's already romantically involved with another teammate! Go Teen Titans Go!

What's it like kissing Solstice? Is it like pressing your lips against quartz that's been rubbed with rotten eggs? And how would fucking her work? Does she have any genitalia? She always runs around naked, right? But she's just smooth skin except for the steaming cracks...oh! I get it. Well, I was hoping Red Robin would lose his virginity in Firestorm #17 and I didn't care to whom he lost it. I guess this will work!

Red Robin and Solstice might fuck on the deck of the yacht but the scene changes to show some kid in a coffee shop commanding everyone to drop dead which they immediately do. And when the scene shifts back to Titans Yacht, Red Robin is in his room trying to have sex with Cassie. I'd scan that kiss in too except the picture only shows their shadows and that's not worth bothering scanning. And even though Cassie is just wearing a t-shirt, it's done in a super classy way that never shows any panties or butts or crotches. Although Red Robin gets to remain fully clothed. I wonder if his penis smells like sulfur?

Apparently the cause of all these hormones running wild isn't the normal teenage hormones running wild one. It's Raven sitting on a throne of skulls sipping from a goblet of blood and feasting on their emotions.

Can DC fire an artist for completely fucking up the look of a character?

Red Robin is possessed or being manipulated by Raven as Trigon readies his demon army to attack New York. Or somewhere. I'm not totally sure what his army is amassing for. I guess all hell is literally set to break loose? No wait, that isn't literal at all. Not all of hell is attacking, just Trigon's portion. And Trigon might not be from hell but from Azaroth which is either someplace else or just a suburb of hell.

Teen Titans #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm only giving this comic book a positive ranking because it's so far down the charts and this issue was a step in the right direction. If by the right direction I mean "making it feel like an old school issue of Teen Titans." Which is how I meant it because I can make anything mean anything I want. I'm still unclear when The Teen Titans actually established themselves in the eyes of the world but they were recognized by Firestorm in Firestorm #17 from news reports. Maybe Red Robin had a Press Conference that wasn't interesting enough to appear in the pages of this comic book. Or, more likely, I slept through that part where the world learned about The Teen Titans.

Firestorm #17

That's it, Tim! Use your smarts! A right fucking hook is going to bring down Firestorm. You, sir, truly are the biggest genius in the DCnU.

From this cover, it looks like Firestorm's biggest weakness is his aim. For some reason, I tend to think that Firestorm's powers derive simply from his thinking what he wants done and it happens. But it looks like he first has to hit the thing he wants to transmute with his Nuclear Fisting Blasts. Which then makes me wonder how the fuck he took out Kid Flash first?! Bart Allen, you are truly horrible at your job.

Here are my wishes for this comic book:
1. Ronnie's mom pulls some racist bullshit and pisses off Jason's dad. Hopefully during anal sex.
2. Jason and Ronnie have at least one scene that can be read as if they're in love.
3. Tim Drake loses his virginity. Doesn't matter to whom.
4. Kid Flash is more entertaining written by Dan Jurgens than by Scott Lobdell (this is less a wish and more a certainty).
5. Solstice hits on Ronnie or Jason and is rebuffed.

The issue begins with Firestorm "fixing" Mt. Rushmore. I put fixing in quotes because he's really just returning it to National Monument Normality. He should turn the faces into Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Black Lightning. Or maybe Max Lord, Amanda Waller, Niles Caulder, and leave Dr. Megala.

Come on, Dan Jurgens. U2? Really? You do realize it's 2013, right? Why not KISS? You could have at least had him suggest The Village People or Abba.

Firestorm easily changes the faces back to the old white guys that were originally carved into the rock when a military attack helicopter earns its name (it attacks while helicoptering! Duh!). Instead of fleeing or turning the helicopter into pudding, Ronnie decides to sit on the co-pilot's lap and have a quickie. Quickie discussion, I mean!

Do it, Mister Officer Sir! Put out the flames! I've been wondering what would happen!

Ronnie's speech doesn't change General Eiling's mind because General Eiling represents America. And America doesn't care if someone attests that they'll only use their power for good. They still have the power! And America knows only America is righteous and good enough to handle so much power! Go America, you nation full of fearful and arrogant bastards! I should know because I'm one of them although I'm just arrogant and not fearful. All this "freedom isn't free" bullshit and hero worship of soldiers is so tiresome. You know what keeps America's citizens free? American citizens! Sending soldiers across the ocean to kill people with slightly different skin pigmentation isn't accomplishing anything but bad will. Wait. What does this have to do with Firestorm?! Fucking General Eiling and his smug, sunglasses wearing persona distracted me!

Let's see if the Teen Titans agree with me! They're currently discussing Firestorm because Red Robin trained with Batman so he subscribes to the belief that anybody with too much power needs to be watched closely. Bah! He's just like America!

That's what I thought, Red Robin! Especially when he dropped that knowing "U2" reference! Obviously a youngster!

Red Robin (being the obvious genius he is) thinks he knows where to find Firestorm. He probably did some triangulation by the cosine of the reverse square of the tectonic variations in the ionizing photosphere divided by pop culture references and figured out Firestorm would obviously be visiting Star Labs next. Or Wayne Tech has invented some pretty sophisticated Gaydar.

Back in Walton Mills, Ronnie's mom acts really creepy by telling Jason that his dad is a really special man. Then she heads off to fuck him, leaving Ronnie and Jason both severely creeped out. Darn. Maybe Jurgens is saving the implosion of Ronnie's mom's relationship for the final issue of Firestorm.

Eventually Firestorm heads off to repair Star Labs where he runs into three of the Teen Titans (the ones on the cover!). I don't know why Bunker didn't make it. Perhaps he would have interfered with Red Robin's Gaydar. Kid Flash mentions how Red Robin was right again and when is he ever wrong? Well, he's wrong in the panel immediately following their appearance when he accuses Ronnie of being one of N.O.W.H.E.R.E.'s soldiers with some nasty agenda! Why is Red Robin a super genius at times and an arrogant bastard that jumps to incorrect conclusions at others? Oh wait. I think that question answers itself.

Another timely pop culture reference to prove that Firestorm must be a teenager.

Ronnie decides he needs to fight the Teen Titans because fuck everybody shitting all over him all of the time. He has Transmogrification Powers! Why is he letting everybody piss in his mouth? It's time to git real! Word up! Yo! MTV raps! Headbanger's Ball time, bitches! Firestorm is about to go John Hinckley, Jr., all over your asses! It's fucking Hammer Time! He's gonna fight for his right to party! No whammies!

Ronnie's opening move is to shoot Solstice in the tits. Jason is horrified but he can't do anything because he's just an impotent incorporeal floating head. Next Ronnie turns Kid Flash's boots into flippers. That's actually a pretty smart move! Now Kid Flash will probably only be able to run half the speed of light. And Kid Flash can't take his flippers off or his feet will vibrate out of control and explode. Time for Red Robin to stop this!

Prepared with pills?

The pill thrown by Red Robin simply explodes. I don't know how that's preparing for a guy with Transmogrification Powers. Perhaps because the pill is too small for Firestorm to hit with his blasts. Firestorm finally remembers that he has pretty much the greatest power in the DCnU and decides to unleash a small atomic blast. That's better. The Teen Titans are used to getting their asses handed to them.

Wrong question, Solstice. Why do they always begin in conflict? It would be one thing if heroes actually tried to begin in a dialogue that isn't completely composed of threats.

The Teen Titans and Firestorm make nice after the Teen Titans learn they can't beat him. Red Robin tells everybody that he knew exactly what was going on all along. Kid Flash continues to buy into it and believe Tim Drake is a true genius. Jason finds Solstice attractive in a weird way. Perhaps because she reminds him of a drag queen? But Firestorm isn't able to rebuild Star Labs. Red Robin asks him to join the Teen Titans but Firestorm has a better offer on the table from the Justice League and turns them down. And that's the end of Firestorm's story this month.

Too bad Ronnie Raymond still has one big surprise waiting for him at home.

Ronnie's mom! NOOOOOOOO!!!

That's what happens when you don't take your secret identity seriously! I'm not sure how Ronnie didn't take his secret identity seriously but the proof is on the wall in his mom's ketchup. He was probably bragging at school how he's a great big super hero when he merges with the newspaper nerd. Actually, he probably leaves the merging part out of it. Anyway, from the skull symbol on the wall, it looks like Bolt has Ronnie's mom. Or, you know, somebody else maybe. The Punisher?

Firestorm #17 Rating: No change. Dan Jurgens is definitely still writing comic books for the 1980s.

Scavenger! (as seen in Aquaman #17)

Part 16 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Unknown
Occupation: Professional Criminal [As opposed to amateurs who don't get paid or can't find any sponsors?]
Marital Status: Single [How does anybody know this for sure? His alter ego is unknown?]
Known Relatives: None [At least this one makes sense because his alter ego is unknown, he has no known relatives. Marital Status really should be "Unknown". I'm such a stickler.]
Group Affiliation: None [Because he hates Black Manta and Ocean Master. Who else is there?]
Base of Operations: Mobile [But probably underwater. Unless his Scorpion Ship is a space ship as well!]
First Appearance: AQUAMAN #37
Height: 5'9" Weight: 176 lbs. [I love how these statistics are always so specific even though his identity is unknown and the only other times he's been encountered have been in his Shark Scuba Suit.]
Eyes: Unknown Hair: Unknown [Sure, you can get his exact height and weight but fuck if you can tell his eye or hair color through that mask!]

HISTORY
"Of the many mysteries held by the Seven Seas, the origin of the underwater villain Scavenger remains one of the greatest [Really? This jerk's identity is one of the greatest secrets of the Seven Seas? This was either written by the creator of this nobody character or some six year old with a fascination for men in shark-shaped scuba suits and hyperbole.]. He appeared in the depths of the Atlantic to menace Aquaman (see Aquaman) and Aqualad (see Aqualad) in his search for the 'time decelerator,' an ancient device created by an alien super-civilization [Okay but what does it do?!]. Without the usual posturing and boasting of costumed villains, Scavenger went after his goal without explanation of his unusual motif and advanced scientific equipment [So what you're trying to say is this guy is non-union? He's actually the Scabvenger! Ha ha!].

Aquaman was able to destroy Scavenger's heavily armed Scorpion Ship [Why a Scorpion Ship? How does that feature into his Shark-shaped Scuba gear? Where's the overarching theme? I'm pretty sure he couldn't explain himself because he just cobbled this get-up together out of spare parts. He's definitely not in the Super Villain union.], but not before Scavenger gained possession of the decelerator. His prize, however, only succeeded in sending him on a seemingly reverse trip through time, devolving him to an infant, and then nothing [Well, I'm sure it was something. But you probably needed a microscope to see him.].

The decelerator sent Scavenger into a timeless limbo from which it took years for him to escape [I'm pretty sure by 'timeless limbo' the writer means 'his father's testicles'.]. Once he did, Scavenger [had to wait 21 years before being able to rent another Scorpion Ship?] had but one thought: to gain vengeance on Aquaman. He has yet to succeed [Because he's only a little baby!]."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"Though possessing no powers of his own, Scavenger surrounded himself with super-scientific equipment [What makes something 'super' scientific?], which made him a formidable foe [And the Seven Seas' greatest secret!]. His Scorpion Ship was equipped with a deadly arsenal ranging from an electrical field to cannons [Because when I think 'super-scientific', I think 'cannons'!].

Scavenger's costume includes a built-in oxygen supply that enables him to make forays into the deep. He is an adept underwater fighter, obviously having trained in order to be able to overcome the crushing pressures of the ocean floor [Oh yeah. Totes obvs.]."

Aquaman #17

In this issue, Aquaman finds himself trapped with a kitten and a raccoon after he slips down a sewer grate in a big storm!

I'm seriously thinking about spending my money not on some really fantastic comic book trades I've been meaning to read from the time I was away from comics but on the Aquaman Omnibus instead. I'm curious to see why he became so famous and well-liked. Was he ever well-liked? What weird decades all the previous ones were? People were really like that in them? Strange!

Uh-oh! It looks like today is a speak in generalities kind of day! I wonder if I can catch up on my comic book reading by writing vague and uninteresting commentaries? Let me practice a little bit before I begin reading Aquaman.

"The art in this issue wasn't up to the usual quality because reasons. Aquaman's motivations seemed to lack motivation and his actions were less than full of action. His hair did look particularly nice though."

That was some good writing practice! I think I'm ready to work on my novel about a protagonist that does things which cause him to learn things. It's uplifting and inspiring and has something to do with rags and bootstraps. It's a truly mediocre American novel.

This issue begins with Aquaman giving a Junior High School oral report in the same vein as legends like Hawkman or Deathstroke. At least when they were being written by that master craftsman and Jack Kirbyesque master of comic books (according to a panel at Emerald City Comic Con) Rob Liefeld.

Aquaman: "The Phone-it-inicians thought up the term, 'The Seven Seas.' But the only sea those big dumb dumbs knew was the Mediterranean Sea! They must have paddled out in their primitive stone age canoes and were all, 'Whoa! Look at this sea! It goes on forever!' And then one of their friends ran up from the shore and went, 'Hey guys! There's a whole other sea on the other side of the island!' And the guy paddling the stone boat put his hands up to his head with his fingers splayed out and went, 'MIND. BLOWN.'
Aquaman: "But then more successful cultures were all, 'What big dumb dumbs! Thinking one sea was seven seas?! Ha ha ha!' And then an even more successful culture went, 'Oh? You think they're the dumb dumbs, dumb dumbs? Have you ever heard the term--' And he looked dramatically over one shoulder. And then slowly turned his head to look over the other shoulder. And then he fixed his gaze back on the now drooling with anticipation dumb dumbs and said, 'Ocean.'"
Aquaman: "And then everybody's minds were literally blown and the Seven Seas had to be discovered all over again. Thank you. I hope I get an A+."

I can't find where I said it because I'm eternally unorganized and can't remember most of the things I've written from commentary to commentary, but I'm pretty sure when I speculated as to what Aquaman would be doing after fighting Black Mantis and Ocean Master and dealing with Atlantis, the only thing he would have left to deal with are Japanese Whalers and Dolphin Killers. Well guess the fuck what?

The Japanese Whalers have gotten their hands on some Atlantean Whale-killing tech and are having a gay old time. Literally a gay old time because whaling is an old career and whalers loved doing gay things to each other. Sheesh, read Moby Dick sometime!

Paul Pelletier has a funny way of drawing Japanese people! Maybe these guys are Icelandic or Norwegian! Wouldn't that just be typical of DC? Even when they're portraying bad guys, they have to pick white guys! Except of course when Aquaman's enemy has "black" in his name! Black Manta really should have been a Japanese Whaler.

Aquaman shows up with a squad of Atlantean Whaler Killers to stop the horrible abuse of ancient land mammals that signed a treaty with Atlantis for protection if they only moved into the ocean. I'm pretty sure that happened. And since the Atlanteans are defending the whales, maybe the weird coral-looking Whale Cannon the Whalers are using isn't Atlantean Technology. Unless Garth is some kind of black market Atlantean Tech fence! Maybe Dolphin sold the tech to the Japanese Whalers so they'll leave the dolphins alone!

Oh! I get what's happening. Those fucking whales are so Goddamned noisy with their singing all of the time, some Atlanteans can't get any fucking sleep. So they sell some Atlantean Whale Killing Tech to the land dwellers and have them silence those loud-mouthed water mammals!

After Aquaman stops the whalers, the Sea Devils (who have been fighting against the whalers themselves) climb on board the whaler's ship and yell at Aquaman.

Aquaman: "Thank you, Sea Devils, for helping us defeat these bloodthirsty villains!"
Sea Devil Dean: "You're a fucking terrorist and nobody likes you."
Aquaman: "Jesus fucking Christ in a pita pocket. You land-dwellers act as if your genitals are constantly caught in the pincers of a crab."
Sea Devil Judy: "Tee hee! I'm just doing this to research a part in a movie! Tee hee!"
Sea Devil Dean: "Fucking Judy. You do realize you've been Rebooted, right? Drop the stupid actress bullshit!"
Sea Devil Judy: "Hey asshole! We've only been in the Reboot for like ten fucking seconds. How do you know I'm not an actress?!"
Sea Devil Dean: "Well look at fucking Little Nicky. Not so little anymore, is he? And does it look like we're Frogmen searching for lost treasures and battling ancient underwater civilizations?"
Sea Devil Nicky: "Actually..."
Sea Devil Dean & Judy: "Shut the fuck up, Nicky!"
Aquaman: "I don't have all day here, guys. Did you need to do something other than calling me names?"

Because of this confrontation, Aquaman earns the mistrust of the human Sea Devils as well as the mistrust of the Atlantean Men-of-War. Arthur just can't win.

Afterward Aquaman goes to talk with Amanda Waller about some arms dealer selling Atlantean Technology on the international black market! I fucking knew Garth was up to no good! Actually, the technology that's being sold is stuff scavenged off of the bottom of the ocean left over from the very, very recent war between Boston and Atlantis. And "scavenged" is the operative word here because the page before Waller and Arthur discuss the world's hatred for Atlantis, Scavenger is shown scavenging the tech on the bottom of the sea. I had no idea who Scavenger was but I recognized his Shark-mouth Scuba Suit from the cover of Who's Who #XX. Apparently he's super mysterious and once devolved into an infant and then into sperm (or an egg (or both?)) and then into Limbo. But that probably never happened since that's old time Pre-Crisis History. That's so far removed from The New 52 that it might as well be a Marvel story.

Waller mentions that Orm may possibly get the death penalty for leading the attack on Boston. Really? It was just fucking Boston. Everybody calm down! Aquaman looks worried even as he declares that Orm wasn't a scapegoat and that Orm really does need to be punished for his decision to go to war. I think Aquaman is in denial because he wants to fit in so badly. But he should really listen to Waller here. She knows what she's talking about. Orm is absolutely a scapegoat. And if Waller had any feelings at all, she'll remember this moment and stick Ocean Master (Orm! Sheesh!) on the Suicide Squad so he'll stand a chance of beating the electric chair. But since Waller doesn't have any feelings at all, Orm had better just hope one of her super secret not-so-secret Suicide Squad missions takes place underwater.

How does Amanda know how Atlantis feels? Where does she get her information on everyone? She even knows why Mera wants nothing to do with Atlantis! Does Amanda have a better version of Who's Who than I do?!

Of course Waller being Waller, she immediately gets on the phone and tells her contacts they should take Mera now. Oh Amanda. You unfeeling bitch. Somebody throw a pie in this woman's face already.

While Mera is shopping, a bunch of cops show up to take her to the station for questioning. Well, that's not as bad as what I expected. I thought we were going to get a Mera/King Shark throw-down! Dammit. Now that's what I want to read!

While Mera is being arrested, Aquaman answers Amanda Waller's question.

Now aren't you feeling even a little badly about ordering Fish and Chips in Issue One?

Now I'm having one of those weird moments I think only girls are supposed to have. I feel all queasy in my stomach and my mouth wavers a bit and my vision becomes blurry as if I were walking in the windswept rain. This is not a boy feeling at all! How come I don't want to punch or fuck something right now? Why do I want to hug kittens and save puppies?!

Aquaman's Vuu Vuu Vuu telepathic waves reach all across the oceans and are eventually picked up by some guy beneath Antarctica who says, "King of the Seven Seas? How wrong you are." I don't know who this guy is but since he seems to have a problem with Arthur declaring himself King of the Seven Seas, it's probably Poseidon (even though he's super busy right now fighting The First Born in Wonder Woman).

Aquaman #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. There were a few beats in this issue that were really well done and which I really enjoyed. You can tell I liked it because I completely forgot to make fun of Aquaman while reading it! I still think he's being a bit harsh and cruel toward his brother but he may eventually send Murk and the Men-of-war to free Orm since the land-dwellers are threatening to give him the death penalty. More likely, Arthur will just kind of look the other way as Murk and the Men-of-war free Orm on their own and they become Ocean Master's loyal henchmen.

Justice League #17

If only the Justice League hadn't lost their Green Lantern. Without a Green Lantern, they're just a second tier super group.

The Justice League managed to Boom Tube out of the ocean and back up into the Justice League Watchtower where they find Doctor Shin recovering from Vulko's beat-down. I guess since the entire Justice League was stuck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, nobody was worried about Cyborg's Boom Tube malfunctioning and sending them to Apokolips. Although if that had happened, the war with Atlantis would probably be over by the time they got back and a fish would be president of the United States.

Turns out Vulko was pissed at Orm and the Atlanteans for exiling him years ago. So he engineered a human missile strike on Atlantis so that the Atlantean Army would come to the surface and attack the humans. Vulko doesn't care what happens to the humans; they're just collateral damage. Vulko merely wanted the Atlanteans on land where they'd be most vulnerable. And then he sent the Trench Fish up to destroy them.

At least that's Mera's theory and I'd believe anything she says. *sigh*

While the elite heroes make plans aboard their fancy satellite headquarters, the foot soldier heroes are down on the front lines fighting the Atlanteans.

I notice Green Arrow and Hawkman are missing from this brawl. It's probably because they were called up to the Justice League of America but I like to think it's because they were let go due to extreme suckage.

When I turn the page, I'm greeted with Hawkman stabbing Orm in the wrist, so I guess Hawkman still made the cut. Even though Batman tried to veto him from the group. Meanwhile Firestorm tells Black Canary that he can't transmute organic material. I remember that being a weakness of his in Preboot history but I think this might be the first time it's been mentioned in The New 52. There's a lot to remember when having read about 900 comics in the last year though, so it's very possible I'm wrong about that.

And then the Justice League risks another detour to Apokolips and Boom Tubes themselves into the battle.

Shut up, Superman. He does. He does indeed.

While Batman meets up with the Justice League Farm Team at the docks, Aquaman battles Orm. Orm has the ability to control water the way that Mera does. But Aquaman doesn't have that power! Is that only an ability of full Atlanteans? Or maybe full-blooded Royal Atlanteans since I haven't seen any other Atlanteans use the power. And what about speaking with fish? Is that just something that Aquaman can do? I think Orm might have sent all of the sea-life out of the area before his army attacked Boston but, once again, I'm not too sure. Stupid memory. And stupid laziness keeping me from looking it up!

Batman organizes the Farm Team into a posse to hunt down Vulko. That's about all they're useful for now that Superman and Wonder Woman are on the scene. Too bad most of them can't take their eyes off of the famous Batman because Vulko is simply standing on a skyscraper overlooking the battle hoping that Aquaman will kill Orm. But after Orm gets all emotional and girl scoutery, I doubt that's going to happen.

So what happened to change the weeping into warring? Give him a hug!

While throwing a bus at Orm, Aquaman tells him how much he loved finding out he had a brother as well! Then they kiss kick and hug hit each other for a few pages until Aquaman finally defeats Orm just as Batman and his posse discover Vulko.

Oh! I guess that's probably what Vulko wanted. Aquaman back on the throne. Thus the name of the crossover! Orm being killed would simply have been an added bonus.

Now that Aquaman is king again, he commands the Atlanteans to attack the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers. The Trench Fish People are apparently just enough fish for nobody to care about killing them. Why do fish not get any love? Vegetarians are often Pescetarians but you never see any Vegetarians that are Vaccatarians! Although I have known quite a few Pancettatarians! I don't subscribe to any of those terms. I'm just an Angry Vegetarian. I only eat animals that piss me off.

It's possible that most of the heroes like Superman and Batman don't kill the Fish Guys while they fight them. It's hard to tell since the ultimate goal is to simply drive them back into the ocean. That can only be accomplished using the Dead King's Scepter so it's a good thing Batman found Vulko. Batman is always thinking ahead!

Well then it's a good thing it all fucking worked out exactly like you planned it, isn't it? Vulko is a mastermind on the level of Harvest!

With the Dead King's Scepter, Aquaman sends the Trench Monsters home and the war is over. He arrests Vulko and sends him back to Atlantis with the Atlantean Army. And then to prove himself to Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman, he arrests Orm and sends him off to Belle Reve. It's really shitty logic and a fucking crappy thing to do to his brother. Basically Aquaman labels Orm a terrorist because after the fight, Orm is no longer a king defending his nation. Even though he was a king defending his nation when he launched the attack. Fucking Aquaman really is a land dweller now, isn't he? And he's got good old American Rationale down pat too. If Superman really meant what he said earlier about Aquaman not having to prove himself, he should have stepped in and stopped this fucking travesty of justice. Instead, the Justice League are all really proud of Aquaman for doing the right* thing.

*"Right" being what they wanted him to do in the first place. Jerks.

But now Aquaman has to go back to Atlantis and be a responsible ruler.

Good riddance!

This crossover causes three things to happen on the final page. Amanda Waller decides it's time to activate the Justice League of America. Batman thinks it would be a good idea to expand their membership. And the Legion of Doom begins hiring! Beginning with the Scarecrow because he's had the most experience so far in The New 52 having starred in at least two major stories and a back-up story or two.

Justice League #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. Okay, so maybe the big bad Super Villain Co-Op won't go by the name Legion of Doom. Maybe they'll be the Secret Society of Super-Villains. But just knowing they're coming in some form is good enough for me. That was the best part of the story which is why I mentioned it first. The rest of the story resolved itself nicely and in a nice, short manner. I was worried Geoff Johns was going to drag this out for ten years. The only thing I don't like is how Aquaman turned his brother into a scapegoat. It was an international incident caused by a third party while Orm was king. Arresting him just because he gave up the crown after the battle was over seems like a really dick move. But then I don't actually expect anything more from Superman, Batman, and Aquaman! Jerks!

Justice League of America #1

I just have the boring old American flag version.

Five years ago, super heroes began cropping up all over the Goddamn place. But not everybody with super smarts or super powers had the good of humanity in mind. Meeting in London were two of these villains: Professor Ivo who would go on to create Amazo (which the other Justice League fought in Issue #7 or thereabouts) and a mysterious man with a cane. Because it's in London and Stargirl is a member of the team, I'm guessing it's The Shade. And if it is The Shade, I'm guessing it'll have nothing to do with The Shade maxi-series that began with The New 52. My bet is that falls out of New 52 continuity as a weird bridge series.

Five years after that (meaning now!), a man in some kind of Japanese Oni mask is running for his life from robots of Wonder Woman, Batman, and Superman. I guess Professor Ivo went back to the drawing board after his Amazo was defeated by one of Green Arrow's arrows to the buttocks.

Meanwhile in cozy offices, Amanda Waller and Steve Trevor discuss why Waller is running every single government black ops and/or super hero group. Okay, she's not running the Justice League. But she's the official liaison between the Justice League and ARGUS, so close enough. This lady is busier than Batman.

Well holy shit. Wouldn't you know Amanda mentions that the Justice League has already fought the two big villains I made fun of DC for deciding not to highlight because they were too busy having super heroes fight each other. Fuckin' DC.

Amanda is trying to convince Steve Trevor to be the team field leader of the new government controlled Justice League of America. But he has his doubts because how can a team with characters from three of the currently worst comic books in The New 52 (Catwoman, Hawkman, and Green Arrow. And hell, Katana has sucked under Swierczynski. And how good will she end up being with Nocenti behind the pen?) be worth leading? He'll just become a laughingstock. I mean a bigger laughingstock since everyone already laughs at him because of his failed relationship with Wonder Woman. And what is that about, by the way? Why is everybody being so cruel to Steve Trevor about a break up? The DCnU is full of dicks.

Steve Trevor eventually agrees to the job simply to cockblock Superman. So I suspect the rest of the comic will be Trevor hunting down members of the JLA?

No, it's even more exciting than that! It's Amanda telling Trevor why each hero will ultimately agree to join! Yay!

First up is Hawkman! Booo! Hisss!

What the fuck? Where does Amanda get her information? Where the fuck has "Katar Hol" been doing that? I mean besides the single fucking page they show him on in this comic just before this panel. Need an instant Reboot of Hawkman! Just add Geoff Johns!

Next up is Katana! Yay! Cheer!

"Why do you think we're taking the characters that have been written like shit since The New 52 began, Steve? Our PR department is going to reboot the fuck out of them!"

I suppose Hawkman and Katana, even though they're killers, were the easiest to turn into heroes that don't kill. Deathstroke and Grifter suck balls but there's no hope for them on a super team backed by the American Government. At least not one that allows photographs.

Next up is Vibe! Booo! Lame! He's a jinx! Don't take him! He'll get you all killed!

You'd think I'd be scanning in pictures of the super heroes, wouldn't you?!

Next up is Stargirl! Um. Who?

Oh, that's who!

So Star Girl is at least the second owner of the cosmic rod and possibly the third although New 52 history may get a little wonky when dealing with All Star Squadron and Justice Society and Infinity, Inc. history. But Sylvester Pemberton was The Star Spangled Kid AKA Skyman. Something horrible and Satanic appears to have happened to him and Stargirl received the rod. Whether or not there was a Starman who came before Skyman, I don't know. I didn't read The Shade maxiseries because my New 52 reading policy doesn't extend to anything not considered one of the monthly 52 titles. Unless Ambush Bug gets one! But this lends validity to the supposition that the other villain at the beginning of the comic is The Shade and that he probably had something to do with whatever happened to the previous cosmic rod owner, Sylvester Pemberton.

Amanda claims Stargirl will join the team simply because they know who her biological father is. Nobody says any more on that subject though.

Next up is Martian Manhunter (YAY!) and Simon Baz, Green Lantern (Yay!) and Green Arrow (BOOOOOOO! *throws black Jujubes*).

I thought Martian Manhunter erased everybody's memories of his having been in the Justice League. Even though the Justice League themselves still remember. So Steve Trevor must have been allowed to remember as well. Probably so Martian Manhunter would have a liaison with the League if Stormwatch had needed to get in touch with them.

Justice League of America is going to be better than the regular Justice League simply because they'll have Martian Manhunter AND a Green Lantern. Losing the Green Lantern from your team is like a mall losing Radio Shack. It's just the beginning of the end, baby.

Next Steve Trevor goes after Catwoman himself because Green Arrow is a gigantic failure. At least Catwoman was decent when Judd Winick was writing her.

"I registered this room in your name and then sat in the dark for four nights straight until you noticed."

I don't know if Trevor is speaking in a sort of sly nod and wink code here and saying he can find out Catwoman's real name for her since Nocenti's Zero Issue set up Selina Kyle as Catwoman's fake name. Even Catwoman doesn't know who she really is though because when she found a file of herself, the name was in Cyrillic. So what Trevor is actually saying here is, "We can figure out who you really are." Right? RIGHT?! Otherwise I don't know what he means and who this other woman is.

Amanda and Trevor agree to the team. The group is meant to match up against the Justice League which is why Trevor wanted Catwoman over Green Arrow. He thought Catwoman was a better match-up against Batman than Green Arrow. He's probably right. Green Arrow is horrible! The match ups are Martian Manhunter vs. Superman (a toss-up), Catwoman vs. Batman (The Goddamned Batman!), Katana vs. Wonder Woman (Wonder Woman!), Simon Baz vs. Hal Jordan (Simon Baz since Hal Jordan fucking quit the Justice League!), Vibe vs. The Flash (I gotta go with Vibe here. I'm guessing he can absolutely disrupt The Flash's powers and render him useless), Stargirl vs. Cyborg (Stargirl because Cyborg is going to fall in love with her!), and Hawkman vs. Aquaman (who cares?). After confirming the team, Steve Trevor has to run off to check in on the dying man in the Oni mask that just limped back into ARGUS. Who is this mysterious man?!

Yay! Best ending ever! I'm going to believe this ending is canon and cut Green Arrow from my pull list!

Justice League of America #1 Rating: I'm sticking this one right in the middle like I did with Threshold and Vibe. It seems pretty average and since Johns is writing it, he's just taking any fucking liberties he wants with DCnU Continuity. That Hawkman shit Amanda pulls out of her ass at the beginning? Ridiculous. Also, I don't see the second issue faring too well with the tease "Team Dynamics." I'm pretty sure that means a bunch of heroes not getting along and punching each other in the gizzards.