All Star Western #18

Savage is an exemplary old man. Look at him embracing new technology instead of stubbornly sticking to a club or a large rock.

Last issue, Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham learned that Vandal Savage had kidnapped Catherine Wayne. And Catherine Wayne learned that Vandal Savage brought the plague to Gotham. Now Hex just needs to figure out where Vandal is hiding so he can kill him, save Catherine, and return her to Alan Wayne for a thirty percent stake in Wayne's Casino. Although I don't think the killing him part is going to happen. So he might have to trick him into taking some of Arkham's drugs, have sex with him, steal his clothing, and then escape with Catherine.

But first things first: escape from the rabid Cholera peasant monsters!

Just kidding! The first thing to do is get a drink from a dwarf.

Meanwhile Vandal Savage is flirting with his captive as they try to make their way out of the quarantine in a blizzard.

Such a sweet-talker.

I can't imagine centuries of practice really means anything when it comes to sex. All it means is he's fucked a lot of women. Perhaps the different cultures and different times surprised him with things his ancient ass had never seen before, but none of those things would have changed what I suspect is the core feature of Vandal Savage's love making: selfishness. I don't see Vandal giving a shit about his partner's needs! His favorite move is probably still smashing an unsuspecting woman over the head with a club, dragging her back to the cave by her hair, throwing her over a boulder, and taking her from behind. He probably does it just like an ape. A couple thrusts and he's off to make the lesser males smell his wang.

A pack of dogs beset them before they can get very far. While Savage explains why he'd make a great father to Catherine's child (look, he lies a lot, okay! I get him!), Catherine makes a run for it. Luckily for her and the comic book plot, she quickly runs into Hex and Arkham.

DC has tried to forge so many of these moments where one major character encounters another major character and yet they almost always fall flat and feel contrived and forced and done simply to sell more books. But if they were all like this one page, DC would have no problems selling crazy amounts of comic books. Or is it just me that loves this so much? I do love me some Hex and Savage!

Vandal Savage has lived a long time and experienced a lot of things. But I wonder if he's ever eaten french fries in the shower? I just did that tonight! It was the best. Such wonderful times we live in!

Savage blocks each of Hex's pistol shots with his sword. He then begins to explain what an amazing and truly awesome influence he's been on every major civilization throughout history. And while he's busy jerking off his ego, Jonah Hex puts a load of buckshot directly into Savage's chest. I suppose Hex and company believe he's dead since nobody truly believes he's immortal, and they leave his body to the rabid Cholera zombies as they escape via the sewers. Savage's body was later dumped with the other victims of the Cholera where he healed and awoke and went on his way.

Days pass and eventually Amadeus notes Hex's absence.

I'll be sorely disappointed if Hex goes off without Arkham. Maybe Hex will pick up an equally entertaining sidekick out west.

Apparently Arkham believes, as I do, that the book would suffer from his absence so he gets a ticket and finds a seat on the train out west next to Hex. But Hex has other ideas, threatens Arkham's life, and throws him from the train.

Brilliant ending. I do hope to see more of Amadeus in the future.

Next, 19th Century Stormwatch! This issue begins with ManBearPig stringing up some bald hillbilly. That doesn't normally seem like a job for Stormwatch although I don't truly know how powerful ManBearPig is! But since this story is labeled "Stormwatch featuring Doctor Terrence 13", I imagine ManBearPig is actually just an old guy in a rubber mask trying to scare away other land developers.

ManBearPig is rampaging through a community called Lily Dale which has become a haven for Mediums and Seances. Doctor Thirteen has come to town to tell everybody that they're being silly and no such thing as ManBearPig exists and spirits don't exist and ectoplasm is a big trick and the dead don't communicate and stop falling for every scam artist that comes to town, Lily Daleians!

Doctor Thirteen quickly investigates the crime scene and decides ManBearPig is simply a zealot Pig Farmer. Yeah, but he could still be a Werepig, right?

Oh Scooby Doo! You taught me so much!

Later in Gotham, Adam One approaches Doctor Thirteen to become a member of Stormwatch. He tells Doctor Thirteen that he'll prove the supernatural is real but I'd rather Doctor Thirteen always figured out a way to explain everything in a scientific, natural, or technical way. Don't sully his character the way Scooby Doo eventually sullied itself! No, not by introducing Scrappy which was bad enough! By introducing real ghosts into the cartoon!

All Star Western #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. No Jenny Freedom, so that's a disappointment. But it looks like each new member of Stormwatch is going to get a back-up story as the group forms. And then they'll probably travel to Mars to stop a Martian invasion or something. All Star Western may be ranked about 10 out of 52 but it's easily the comic that makes me laugh and smile the most. It's one of The New 52's biggest hits and I don't think enough people are reading it. Come on, nerds! Start picking this one up! It's easily worth the extra dollar (and I don't say that lightly! Four dollars for a comic is nuts!).

All Star Western #17

Uh oh! Jonah Hex must have space madness!

I was under the impression that Stormwatch was going to be taking over as the main story but the cover is solid proof of my error. Fuck you, Cover! Who asked you anyway? Did you think I needed proof that I was fallible? Well, I didn't! I know I'm fallible! And by knowing I'm fallible, I think that makes me infallible! Didn't Buddha attest to that? Anyway, it might be a good thing. Like Beowulf in Swords of Sorcery, I'm hoping it'll just be enough to make it seem like the best story ever where it could easily overstay its welcome as the main story. Besides, Stormwatch already gets 20 pages of comic every month!

And so the story begins...

I think every American should try to acquaint themselves with how their family ended up here. And I'll judge those that can't figure it out somehow and stare down at them and shake my head and whisper, "No." Hmm. Apparently some of my ancestors had a gene for insanity.

I have a feeling my father's ancestors dealt with something akin to that panel. My dad's brother has done a lot of genealogical research and I have files and pictures but I've never delved into them as carefully as maybe I should. Believe it or not, I guess I'm just not that interested. I've just always been closer to my mom's family. My grandmother's mother, Dolores Ortega Correa Vega, and her parents left Malaga, Spain on April 10, 1913. They took a ship across the Atlantic and around Cape Horn to arrive in Hawaii (this was one year before the Panama Canal was finished). An arranged marriage was made between Dolores and Bartolo Gill so that Dolores's father could justify bringing another man to the New World to help earn and save money while working in the sugar cane fields in Hawaii. They were basically recruited via pamphlets sent to the Old World looking to bring more European workers into the sugar cane fields so that the Asians wouldn't get too uppity and start forming unions and shit. My fucking ancestors were brought in as union busters! Sort of. Not really. Maybe I'm too cynical.

Dolores's parents (my great, great grandparents) Ana Ortega Correa and Jose Vega Tirado with my Uncle Jerry in 1942. Thank you, Printer from the Early Nineties!

Here's an anonymous poem published in 1910 that describes the life my grandparents led:

The Five A.M. Whistle

"Awake! stir your bones! Rouse up!"
Shrieks the Five o'Clock Whistle.
"Don't dream you can nestle
For one more sweet nap.
Or your ear-drums I'll rap
With my steam-hammer tap
Till they burst.
Br-r-row-aw-i-e-ur-ur-rup!
Wake up! wake up! wake up! w-a-k-e-u-u-u-up!

Filipino and Japanee;
Porto Rican and Portugee;
Korean, Kanaka and Chinese;
Everybody whoever you be
On the whole plantation--
Wake up! wake up! wake up! w-a-k-e-u-u-u-up!

Luna and book-keeper;
Sugar boiler, store keeper;
Time-keeper, chemist;
Clerk and machinist;
Boss and Boss' Missus;
I proclaim this is
The hour to get up,
And eat a rice cup;
For I boss the Boss,
Same as man, mule and hoss,
And everything on the plantation,
I, the Sugar Mill Whistle!

Br-r-ow-aw-i-e-ur-ur-rup!
Get up! get up! get up! get up!
Mind the Five A.M. Whistle
The signal to hustle!"

Fuck me. No wonder I hate alarm clocks! My genetic memory is still rebelling from that bullshit! I think it's been around eight or nine years since I've used an alarm clock. If only my great grandparents could see me now! We're living the American Dream, Pana and Nana! I'm sure that's what I would have called them if I'd ever known them. I only knew my grandfather's mother although she probably went through the same experiences. I think she came over as a much younger child than my grandmother's mother.

Eventually my family struck it rich and became super fancy elitists. They baptized their children in champagne and threw diamonds to drive away stray dogs. When times in the middle of the country turned rough and dust storms ruled over everything, my grandparents watched the Okies drag their asses into the Bay Area looking for work. My ancestors would shit in their hands and throw it at the filthy refuse yelling, "Have you ever picked a Spanish Apple? Ha ha ha!" Eventually they came to own Santa Clara. They drove out all of the non-Spanish in a frenzy of national pride! Things were fairly peaceful until one day my grandfather gambled it all away on one throw of the dice with a wealthy white industrialist trick dice maker. Our family was ruined! They tucked their tails between their legs and retreated back into the one house they had been allowed to keep, quietly living out the rest of their days and lying to their grandchildren about the good old days.

Or something like that. I think I got most of the facts straight. Anyway that's enough super awesome history lessons for now. Let's see how things are progressing in Gotham.

Same old same old.

And so the story re-begins with Jonah Hex hunting a man into a quarantined section of the city filled with Cholera. The criminal in question seems vaguely familiar.

Oh Vandal Savage. Have you come to prepare the city for Stormwatch?! Or will Stormwatch come hunting you?

Would it surprise you, my loyal readers (and those random few who accidentally found this page while searching for porn), that this story has produced in me a level of exuberant joy heretofore unknown in the annals of mankind? Through the well-worked and bullseye'd tone of the Narrator to the fanciful and energetic art of Mr. Moritat (or is it simply, Moritat, Esquire?) to the simple joy and bravado of the pro-antagonist Vandal Savage, I am awash in majesty and splendour. Only a creature of the most vile and basest of humours would not admit to grinning at the erratic gesticulations of the monster Vandal Savage. He is a shallow creature that rides the waves of his prurient interests and he lives life as if he had nothing to lose. Which, I guess, technically speaking, he doesn't.

The stupid and incompetent are most able to revel in pure, exultant joy.

Alan Wayne casually confronts Vandal Savage and invites him to a private table upstairs so that he doesn't break Wayne's casino. Wayne does warn him that one of the regular players has a bit of a temper.

One of the things that makes this comic book so incredibly entertaining is the pacing. It has some superb beats and knows when a scene should end exactly and at what point in time the next scene should begin.

Hex leaves while warning Mrs. Wayne to keep an eye on Savage. Savage continues to charm Mrs. Wayne and very subtly threatens Alan Wayne with the loss of his casino and his wife. He doesn't really. But knowing Savage, the only reason he's being kind and charming right now is because he thinks, for whatever reason, that it will serve his purpose better than smashing skulls. What a magnificent dick! I believe this is the third appearance of Savage in The New 52 and he's been terrifically well-written in them all (Demon Knights, DC Universe Presents, and All Star Western. Am I missing any?).

While Savage went about Gotham making connections and "friends", the city continued to ignore the people in the Cholera Quarantine. But Catherine Wayne was desperate to help and delivered food supplies in secret. During one of these runs, she is pulled over the wall and kidnapped by the sickies. They hold her for ransom, demanding food and medical supplies in exchange for her safe return. This might be the reason Jonah Hex is sent into the Quarantine to kill everybody! He agrees but for a steep price: 30% of Alan Wayne's casino! Holy shit! Jonah Hex is going to start the Gotham City Mafia!

Things in the Quarantine section quickly get out of hand, leaving Hex and Arkham to run for their lives from the deranged and sick mob. What they find is not a bunch of people dying from starvation and cholera. What they find is some fucking 28 Days Later bullshit.

I'm sure the outbreak is Vandal Savage's fault. Or a raccoon's.

Hex and Arkham make their way toward the bank abandoned in the middle of the Cholera Outbreak. Hex believes it's the most defensible position against the rabid zombie cholera cannibals. Arkham just runs around shitting himself and questioning every move Hex makes. What they find inside the bank is no surprise: Vandal Savage. Apparently he realized during the Black Death that he has the ability to be a carrier of disease without succumbing to it. He brought this plague (Rabid Cholera?) to Gotham although his purpose is unclear as this issue ends. Perhaps just to sow chaos. Perhaps simply to fuck Catherine Wayne. Who can tell why a bored amoral immortal does anything?

That story was good enough to justify the $3.99 cover price and yet there remains to be read a 19th Century Stormwatch tale starring Jenny Freedom! Are you kidding me?! What a fantastic age we live in where we can get such voluminous entertainments for such negligible costs!

I'm not sure what year the Stormwatch story takes place but it's after the end of the civil war. Jenny Freedom is a long way removed from the overalls and pigtails shown in the single panel in Peter Milligan's Stormwatch. While I'm curious to see her fighting against oppression in the years before slavery ended, I'm just happy to get a look into her life with Stormwatch.

Currently Jenny is trying to stop Smokestack Jack from assassinating President Chester A. Arthur. Because Jenny has the power of steam, you can bet 19th Century Stormwatch is going to be full of steampunkery. While that could be fun, I guess I'm more interested in Jenny Freedom at the beginning of her career before she mastered her power of steam and electricity. I'm sure she began by just blasting people in the face with hot mist.

I guess she has to deal with mumbo jumbo as well!

Jenny engages Smokestack Jack with blades while her companion gets his entrails eaten by the mummies. Jenny is distracted for the briefest of moments as she resigns herself to not getting to fuck this man. She really is all about freedom! Go Jenny! Jack gets the upper hand and runs off to prepare his Electro-Boltacular-Mega-Blaster.

Of course Jenny Freedom stops him which causes his Electric-Assassinator to set his airship on fire. As the entire thing is about to explode, Jenny Freedom hops over the side to, um, freedom!

Chester A. Arthur was president from 1881 to 1885. As an American, of course I had to look that up. I also looked up the history of the parachute. The first parachute harness was developed in 1887 and packing and storing a parachute in a backpack was first invented in 1890. Apparently Jenny Freedom made these modifications to her parachute years earlier and was too busy to patent them.

After Jenny lands, she enters a pub to get a drink and smoke a pipe. And that's where it ends as she's approached by Adam who asks her if she'd like to come back to Stormwatch. He refers to her as Jenny Steam which is awesome because that's what I guessed the 19th Century Jenny would be called before I found out she was Jenny Freedom (which is much, much better than Jenny Steam!).

All Star Western #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. I enjoyed the Jenny Freedom comic but I felt it could have been so much more, so the back-up story is a wash. But the Jonah Hex story was, once again, tremendously entertaining. Bravo, Grey, Palmiotti, and Moritat. This may possibly be the most fun comic book in The New 52.

All Star Western #16

I bet part of Amadeus Arkham's obsession and insanity in later years is due to having once been poisoned by The Black Diamond.

A month has passed since last issue and, judging by the cover, I assume Amadeus is still in the loony bin but won't be for long. Jonah Hex has been recovering from his broken leg tended by a nurse in Arkham's mansion

The only time Hex wouldn't think his nurse was mean is if the nurse were actually a whore.

Jonah Hex has been stuck in his chair for a month listening to Amadeus's mother scream out her hallucinations night after night. With enough alcohol, I guess he found it tolerable. But now that the nurse won't let him drink and doesn't know how to make chigustie and won't jerk him off in the tub, Jonah has had enough of the madwoman. He brandishes his lucky Tomahawk and gets ready to end her suffering. Although Jonah Hex's nickname isn't Mad-dog, so I'm almost positive that he won't go through with it. Almost.

Well at least it looks like Hex found somebody that is willing to jerk him off in the tub.

So far this issue has been eight pages of Jonah Hex knocking about Arkham's mansion, dealing with boredom, sobriety, his nurse, and Amadeus's mother. It's eight pages I that imagine some people would read and wonder when the fuck they were going to get to the story or the Black Diamond or at least some fucking punching. But to me, this is what comic books should be! If only they still ran twenty-four pages, some writers might feel they could take a little more time with stories. To take a little more time to let the dialogue and the art show the reader what's in Hex's mind instead of filling a few pages with a bunch of Narration Boxes giving the reader the synopsis of Hex's current state of mind. And then to have the first appearance of Amadeus's mother and it isn't a disappointment! It's fantastic. The ancient woman sitting in front of her vanity. The vanity covered in old perfume bottles. The room filled with dolls and a cloying scent of dying roses. And her madness driving her to believe she is Jane Eyre (although, obviously, she's more like Bertha Mason) and the disfigured man that just entered, Edward Rochester, her love.
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Perhaps the scene could have done with a little more subtlety (like, at the very least, Hex not blatantly looking at the copy of Jane Eyre), but I don't think I would have made the connection without Amadeus's mother rambling on as if she were Jane. But once she did, it's all so fitting. Except, of course, that she sees herself as Jane instead of Bertha. But that's part of what makes the scene so nice. She is crazy, after all.

But it has been eight pages now, so it's probably about time Amadeus interrupts all of this nicely paced drama and tries to kill Jonah Hex.

Lucky for me, a few more pages remain of Hex and Mrs. Arkham's newly budding relationship. Having "Edward" in the house has calmed her violent and disturbing hallucinations somewhat, so Hex has decided to play along so he doesn't have to listen to her scream all night.

Ah ha ha ha! The nurse calls Hex on his romantic bent!

That last speech bubble with the malformed font is the return of Mr. Hyde. He attempts to kill Jonah Hex but the nurse runs off and returns in time with his pistol. Hex fires a few shots into Mr. Hyde turning him back into Doctor Jekyll. Or whoever he is when he's not an abomination. This is a Reboot, after all! Maybe in the Reboot, the book this was based on was Dr. Scrimshaw and Mr. Hyde. Hex wants Doctor Jekyll to live, so he has the Nurse remove the bullets and save his life. Luckily this nurse is actually trained in more than just making Jello for old people.

The characters in this book are so nicely done that I keep having to scan in full pages instead of one or two panels because every moment of dialogue is worth reading.

I've never fucking heard of Venus in Furs so I should ask Lord Google about it. But it sounds like a conversation that could get perverse right quick. From the very quick and shallow reading I just did about the book, it sounds like the 1870s version of Fifty Shades of Grey. The Wikipedia entry quotes one line from the book:

"That woman, as nature has created her, and man at present is educating her, is man's enemy. She can only be his slave or his despot, but never his companion. This she can become only when she has the same rights as he and is his equal in education and work."

I disagree with that last line! Equality in work and education is actually the easy part! It's not until women are equal in the sexual realm that men and women can truly be companions. Until women stop being slut-shamed by other women. Until men stop believing they're nice guys so why won't that cunt touch their wiener. Until fathers can offer their daughter a pat on the back and a sip of beer for "scoring" on a date. Until responsible, casual sex by either gender can be done without it being seen as baggage or a mistake or having been used by the other party. Until women are no longer blamed for a man's inability to understand the definition of "consensual." These things (and many, many more) are the things keeping men and women from truly being companions. And I use the term "men and women" in a truly generic sense. Obviously many of us, no matter the definition of our own sexuality and gender, are at that companionable place. But it's not good enough until everybody has figured it the fuck out.

The story ends with Jonah Hex tossing Mr. Hyde's Black Diamond formula (still sealed within its bottle) into Gotham Bay where it more than likely washes up on the shores of Arkham Island in another hundred or so years.

And then the best "Next Month" page I've ever seen.

I am so fucking excited for this. Jenny Freedom!

I'm a bit sad that Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham will be going on hiatus for a bit but if they're going to be replaced by somebody, Jenny Freedom's Stormwatch team has got to be at the top of the list. Dr. Thirteen is obviously the scientist but I'm not sure about the other two. Could Vandal Savage pass as The Englishman? And when the Lawman is revealed, I'll probably have one of those, "Oh yeah! That guy!" moments. [Edit: Glancing through my old Who's Whos, I think the Lawman may end up being The Whip!]

The back-up story with Tomahawk was more of the same although it was a better read than the previous chapters. I guess it's worth it if it gets even a few people interested in picking up a historical novel on Tecumseh.

All Star Western #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I just really like everything about this comic book. Okay, maybe the back-up story can usually use some work but it doesn't detract from the main story at all.

All Star Western #15

I'm currently drunk on sake so we'll see how this goes. And forgive me my typos as I forgive those that typo against me. Okay, that's a lie because I've yet to forgive Howard Mackie and his editors. Fuck they suck at their jobs.

Earlier tonight I was instant messaging a friend and my web browser was in the background on Tumblr. On Tumblr was an animated gif (or are those just referred to as "gifs" now? Fuck I'm old! There was a time a .gif was just another type of fucking .jpg! And some of them you animated! I was probably animating gifs before most of you were born!) of Ellen saying some such shit about comedians are bullies if somebody is the butt of their jokes. I'm pretty sure she's watering down the meaning of "bully." I know by her definition, I'm a fucking bully. And guess who my victims are? Scott Lobdell, Tom DeFalco, Ann Nocenti. But you know what? I have no power over them. They're doing their jobs and I'm criticizing them because their jobs are in paid entertainment. If you do a bad job and people pay to experience the fruits of your labor, you have opened yourself up to criticism. And no matter how badly I make fun of Scott Lobdell, in the end, he still has an awesome job that pays really well. A dream job even. And good for him! But you would think he would treat that job as if he's luckier than shit to have it. But instead he just turns out bullshit month after month and puts no real effort into his writing. And I'm a bully for pointing this out? Some would even say I'm jealous? No, no! Yes, I envy him. But I don't make fun of him because he has a dream job! I make fun of him because he's bad at it!

I also make fun of homeless people and tigers, so maybe I am a fucking bully.

How many of you would like to play a roleplaying game based on The Bible? I've written one and I could use some beta testers if you have a home group that would be into that sort of thing. Actually I just have the core rules (very simple!) but if anyone is interested, I'll whip up a Genesis Scenario. The game would be played by scenario only. The players would take control of major figures of The Bible and work their way through the entire Old Testament.

I could probably use some beta testers to play Places & Predators as well although I really need one more pass on the game to rewrite some key rules for the final edit. But, you know, if anyone wants to put themselves on a mailing list to Beta Test that, it might get me to finish up the rules quicker. It's a humorous RPG based on The Game of Life. And, you know, mythology and dungeons and dragons and warhammer and all of that typical bullshit.

Before I get to All Star Western #15, let me also say that I've had Chris Ware's Building Stories sitting by my desk for a few months and haven't really begun reading it until tonight. I read a couple of small books, Branford the Smartest Bee in the World, and then the section that is newspaper sized. Fuck me, Chris Ware. Stop making me weep like a little girl who just found her mother dead and her pet puppy with a shotgun in its mouth. This guy knows how to write normality bordering on frustration and impotence.

Warning: I'm now beginning to read All Star Western #15. I'm not very optimistic about it though. Stupid Black Diamond Probability.

The issue begins with Mr. Hyde forcing the Black Diamond Potion on Amadeus Arkham.

He's absolutely right. There's such a huge gap between being told what it's like to take mushrooms and actually experiencing the mind-fucking alternate reality of that world.

The first moment I entered that alternate reality (although on acid not shrooms. Same thing) was sitting in a friend's house in Santa Clara, California nervously waiting to feel the effects. I'd known years before actually doing acid that I wanted to try it. I was fascinated with the idea of hallucinations and, I believe, my love of Alice in Wonderland (the novel, not the Disney cartoon) was inextricably tied to this desire. I was sitting there watching my friend Karl play Donkey Kong on his Super Nintendo and suddenly everything began to change in the subtlest of ways. The noise was warping and the colors were leaving trails and every movement Mario made was funnier than anything I'd ever experienced. I was instantly in love with the experience and would visit that world many times over. It's been about twelve years now since the last time I tripped. I'm not even sure I'd be comfortable doing it now that I've traveled past the center of life's labyrinth. No longer is most of the maze and adventure ahead of me. Now I know I'm well past the center and I hear the snorting of the minotaur nipping at my heels, closer and closer with every passing day. People who know what acid does to your experience understand why that keeps me from placing the tab on my tongue.

While Hyde is undergoing his savage transformation, Jonah Hex barges in ready to kill. I'm not sure he knows how to do anything else. Barge. Then kill.

Neither Hyde nor I know what Hex means here but I really like the picture as well as the sentiment. Really. You don't always have to understand something to enjoy it.

Mr. Hyde throws Hex out of a window and Hex crashes to the ground with some pretty major wounds. Mr. Hyde then turns his attention to Arkham who has upset him because the potion merely made him violent as opposed to sexually perverse. Mr. Hyde simply needs to get laid and the effects of the Black Diamond might finally wear off. It's just I don't know any male characters in this comic willing to bugger this bastard.

Hex drags himself back into the room half-crippled to continue the brawl with Mr. Hyde. While they're fighting, Arkham bolts like a character from the Looney Tunes. Hex eventually throws Hyde out of a window and Hyde bolts as well, threatening Hex that he'll be back. Hex has some policemen set his leg and he hobbles off to find Arkham.

Meanwhile Arkham is off flirting with the big breasted Gotham Prostitutes.

Instead of brawling, Arkham merely takes down his trousers and is tackled by the police. Arkham winds up in an asylum. Hex winds up in a wheelchair needing at least a month of rest. And Hyde winds up in Slaughter Swamp at the old home of the Haunted Highwayman, mixing his potions and becoming more and more Eclipso-like every night. I suppose the next issue may take place after everyone is healed and Mr. Hyde is ready to really cause some pain.

The back-up story is still about Tomahawk and since I'm not a twelve year old boy in the fifties, it doesn't interest me in the slightest. The Americans betray Tecumseh and his people and Tecumseh and his people fight back. It would be nice to see Tecumseh and Tomahawk kick some major ass but we all know how this bullshit ended up. At least my ancestors came from Spain via the sugar cane plantations in Hawaii, later settling in California, so even by my ancestor's lot, I'm not responsible for any of this imperial bullshit.

All Star Western #15 Rating: No change. The art and story were better than last month but there still isn't much happening. But I enjoyed Jonah's attitude throughout and it's nice to see Hex wounded enough to be out of commission for awhile. The sooner this story ends and they begin telling the tale of Tallulah and the Barbary Ghost, the better!

All Star Western #13

I don't like the art on the cover although Jonah looks more hideous here than he usually does. Which is a good thing.

A new drug has come to the shores of America! It's Dr. Jekyll's Calming and Restorative Tonic! Guaranteed to make clowns less depressing and circus jugglers less annoying! Hate walking to work amidst streets full of shit? Take a liberal sip of Dr. Jekyll's Calming and Restorative Tonic! It'll soothe your mood and make you forget you're living in the 1800s! Warning: May cause severe disfigurement and homicidal outbursts.

Not recommended for use during church services.

I think the next standard line is, "The Lord can't protect you now!" Or something.

Why even bother saying, "Protect me, Lord." If the Lord works in mysterious ways, what is pleading with him going to do? If everything has a reason, then who are you to ask for something possibly not destined to happen? If God has the ability to change the outcome of things that are already going to happen, does he know he's going to change the outcome? Does he see you getting murdered in church but when he hears the plea, "Protect me, Lord," he suddenly decides to intervene and change what he was going to allow to happen?

What I'm trying to say is this: isn't praying arrogance?

God: "Ah! Time to watch my creations even though I already know what they're going to do and how I'm going to react to what I see."
Scared Priest: "Huff! Huff!"
Murderer: "Ha ha ha! I'm going to kill you! Ha ha ha!"
God: "Oh! Here is where that Gotham Priest gets killed just like I planned because his murder will get the ball rolling an a cure for cancer 250 years into the future. This should be interesting."
Scared Priest: "Protect me, Lord."
God: "Oh fuck. Well, he did ask. And he does believe in Me. I guess I'll save him! Too bad though! My mysterious ways will have to wait and I guess that'll change the timetable on a cancer cure to...let's see...650,000 years. But he's praying and he's faithful! What can I do? You may live, Priest!"

Of course I don't think this priest is going to live at all! But how dare he ask for some kind of special compensation. His prayer really should just be, "Do Thy will, Lord, for Ye work in mysterious ways that no man shall ever know but I am sure they are for the greater good of Your supreme creation! Amen!"

Turns out the priest being chased inside his church is even funnier than I first suspected!

Is this a Death of the Family tie-in?

Gotham doesn't need to fear though! Even though a psychotic clown is terrorizing the city one hundred years earlier than expected, the police have their brightest minds on the case!

I think the sheriff's dying wish was to allow Arkham and Hex free in/out privileges to every murder scene in Gotham.

Isn't there always a circus in town? A very particular circus? Yeah, Haly's is in town yet again. And it looks like Hex, Arkham, and Black are not the only ones looking for answers there.

It's the Barbary Ghost!

Aha! Yanmei Tsen's back-up story ended with her and her grandfather finding out that her mother was still alive but had been sold to a circus as a prostitute. Circuses back then were amazing! I guess while mom took the kids to get popcorn and see the animals, dad went around back and spent a full week's pay. I did watch Carnivale, so I shouldn't be so surprised. Perhaps I just thought that particular circus had prostitutes. I wonder if every event back then where a man would take his entire family had prostitutes to keep the man from getting too bored having to spend time with his rotten kids.

Anyway, I wonder if The Barbary Ghost's mother has become the Court of Owls' Talon? I have to say I'm pretty impressed the way that back-up story is coming together with the main story. All Star Western has better world building than all of the other New 52 comics put together!

Asking questions about her mother quickly gets Yanmei in trouble with The Golden Dragons. I suppose they constantly hide in the rigging of the Big Top waiting to start a fight with anybody asking the wrong kind of questions.

What happens next has become a staple of this comic book: the beautiful woman in gorgeous boots and sexy clothes flipping and high-kicking the shit out of a bunch of men without shirts. It's really become one of my favorite parts of the book, especially because I've become a super fan of Moritat's art. I think Moritat's art is extremely creative and, yes, cute. It hits that sweet spot in me between realism and comic book art. He knows the craft of drawing bodies. Describe a scene and he'll draw it as you describe it instead of reinterpreting it to make it easier to draw. And the smaller he does his stuff, the cuter I find it!

Two more pages like this follow. All worth it.

How can I analyze what I love about All Star Western's fight scenes versus so many other comic book's fight scenes? One thing I know I like: no fucking Narration Boxes. Why do so many comic book writers feel the need to have their manipulation of words appear on every page. It makes little sense to have the kinds of complex thoughts going through a person's head when they're executing their martial craft and fighting to stay alive. But I also like that Moritat and the creative team use panels. Eighteen panels in the three pages where Yanmei is fighting alone. The average before I gave up counting panels per page a long time ago was right around four. And action scenes are often worse because the creative team often feels a splash page needs to be thrown in for emphasis. And I mentioned his poses earlier. He doesn't just stick with a few standard fight stances. He never poses anybody with their chests sticking out and chin up ready to fight. Everything is natural and fluid. I just love this shit.

That may be as close as I come to a fanboy rant. But I figure since I'm a literature guy, I tend to focus on the words. When I find art that truly makes me happy to look at, I should be saying a lot more about it in these commentaries. But I figure since I scan so much of the book as I read, people can see the art for themselves and make a decision too.

At the end of this fight, the Golden Dragons finally get the drop on Yanmei. But Hex and Black arrive just in time to even the odds and defeat the Golden Dragons. But Yanmei slips out before they can speak with her.

Since The Jonah Hex Gang weren't there to speak with this mysterious woman, they simply let it slip their minds as they go to speak with Mister Haly. Haly gives them a list of other missing Circus Folk and, of course, it's a list of perfect Gotham villain types! Besides the clown, there is a knife thrower, an animal trainer, and a sideshow performer who's tattooed and pierced all over. It's a list of crazies that would make Batman jizz in his pants.

Outside, the formula (I'm assuming!) is being distributed in classic barker style.

"It's a panacea for everything!" -- Local Portland Newscaster

But then all hell breaks loose as Jingles the Clown and the Animal Trainer return! Clowns and tigers begin attacking the crowd although Hex blows the clowns brains out almost immediately. The animal trainer is immediately eaten by one of the tigers he frees. I think this is commentary about wild animals always being wild animals or something! Tallulah kills one tiger and Jonah kills the other. Except I guess there were three, so one runs free while Haly worries about his Circus's reputation. I don't think he needs to worry! He'll always have funding as long as he continuously produces Talons.

While everyone cleans up and Arkham, Haly, and the police go to speak with the Snake Oil Guy, Reginald (the guy who hired Hex's crew to stop the spread of the formula) has gone to the train station to pick up an old friend.

So Dr. Jekyll wants to become an Eclipso'd Mr. Hyde? Maybe he can find a Blue Beetle to fuse to his spine as well? And maybe chug some Gingold while he's at it!

The back-up story is about Manifest Destiny and how the great warrior Tomahawk foolishly tried to stop it! Haven't you heard, Tomahawk? The white man has declared that the white God has declared that this land belongs to the white man. So put down your weapons and get to stepping! Sheesh. It's not like the white man wants to kick you off the land. But God! God said it belongs to him! You want the white man to deny God?!

Lots of Native Americans are killed, including Tomahawk's family, and now Tomahawk is going to war. And it's a good thing since the white man has been going to war all over you for a long fucking time now. Oh! I just thought up a knock knock joke!

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
The White Man!
The White Man who?
Get out of my fucking house!

All Star Western #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. Really? I'm going to drive this comic further up the charts? Yeah, I guess I am. It's fun and looks terrific. Highly recommended.

All Star Western #12

I wonder if they meant for Jonah Hex and Arkham to be the headlining characters in this comic from the start or if DC just realized it was really working, so they left them as the stars. I like the format although I've enjoyed less than half the back-up stories so far.

Last month, Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham were still strung up in a steampunk trap set up by the Crime Bible Society. Tallulah had managed to escape before the Crime Bible leaders arrived to watch the execution. Why are villains constantly over-estimating their abilities?

I suppose they've over-estimated their abilities since they have over a dozen old timey Gotham police men acting as security. They all split up and begin searching the house for her. Now, I understand that they want to find her. And they're not going to wander around the house in big groups. But I would think the best bet to capture her is when she comes back for Arkham and Hex. And if she doesn't do that, well, at least those two guys are out of the picture. But I'm viewing this situation through the lenses of a reader that knows which side is going to win. I suppose if you're on the side of the police and a ruthless organization like The Crime Bible Cult, you might think you're the good guy as well! And Tallulah and Hex are so scarred and disfigured, they must be evil.

"Do you think I stand a chance with her after her skin is burnt off and she's on the verge of dying?"

Tallulah manages to kill all of the police utilizing her endless supply of sass and wits. Also a hatchet and bullets too. The only person left upstairs to face her is Lorna Kyle, the Lord of Thieves. Is she supposed to be an ancestor of Catwoman's?

Come on, DC! Her original outfit two pages ago with the long dress was so much better! How dare you insult us fans by changing her outfit and disrespecting us! I'm never reading another Lorna Kyle comic again! She deserves better!

Tallulah manages to gouge out the Lord of Thieves eyes after taking a few daggers to the shoulders. If she is a relation to Selina Kyle, here's hoping she's already had the children! Or at least is just a great aunt.

Tallulah seems to be taking her time getting to the rescue bit so Hex tells the other Crime Lords how he already spoke with Mister Wayne and how Wayne and a posse should be there soon to rescue them. But Amadeus can't sit idly by while he dies any longer. He's just got to get something off of his chest.

He could just as easily be talking about Sean Hannity!

Before the steam switch can be thrown to roast Hex and Arkham, Tallulah and Wayne with his men come smashing down the stairs shooting off people's fingers. Well, just Tallulah does that. Everyone is rescued! And the Crime Bible jerks are caught!

Charlotte the Harlotte, Lord Duggar and Lord Charles are all executed a few days later. If I missed any of them (because there were five!), Tallulah must have killed him and I didn't notice. He might have been the one to get his head chopped off earlier.

After the hanging, Wayne offers to help Arkham expand Arkham's manor into an asylum when a man named Reginald pulls up to speak with Hex and Arkham. He needs their help concerning his the man he works for, Dr. Jekyll.

That's the end of this story. Not a lot going on to really comment on. They're in a trap. They're rescued. The bad guys are hanged. A new lead appears. The end!

The last part of The Haunted Highwayman with Dr. Thirteen reads like an episode of Scooby Doo or a Nancy Drew book. I suppose the first part did as well but my focus was on learning about Dr. Thirteen and I missed all the fake ghost crap. Through science and logic and knowing that the enemy is never actually a ghost or a monster, Dr. Thirteen catches the bad guy. The bad guy curses Dr. Thirteen and his descendants before being hanged (he also murders a detective) but Dr. Thirteen does not believe in curses! Ha ha! Foiled your last wishes, you superstitious imbecile!

All Star Western #12 Rating: No change. Since this issue really just concludes the two ongoing stories and I didn't have much to say about either of them, I should just delete all of this text and replace it with, "Read it. Wayne saves the day. Dr. Thirteen doesn't buy into bullshit. The end."

All Star Western #11

The copy on the cover does a great disservice to the art. This series should just leave the words off and let the art speak for itself.

At the end of last issue, Jonah Hex was having sex with Tallulah Black while Arkham was very nearly being killed by The Court of Owls' Talon.

Arkham is putting the pieces of his and Jonah's last few adventures together.

Oh how naive! Dozens of secret, covert, and black ops organizations can practically exist in the same building in the New DC!

Apparently Jonah and Tallulah had finished cleaning out Tallulah's rat's next quite awhile ago and were now busy ambushing Bennet because he's a real estate flipping douchebag. But Bennet's bodyguard, The Crimson Pirate Molester (whose real name is Mr. Baroque (if it ain't baroque....)), prances out of the shadows to protect him. He shoots Hex in the shoulder but Hex shoots him in the face. Or maybe the shoulder as well because I don't imagine we've seen the last of the Crimson Pirate Molester!

After a bit of gunfire, Bennet is unarmed and at Tallulah's mercy. And then that fucking Talon decides to triple back flip twist into the middle of the fight.

With those tits, my guess is this Talon is one of Gotham's hot prostitutes.

The Talon escapes with Bennet in a cloud of ninja smoke bomb. Jonah and Tallulah decide to beat it before Gotham's dirty cops show up and start busting heads and arresting people for wanting to not be arrested.

Dirty Fucking Gotham Cop: "Okay! Break it up! What's going on here?"
Peaceful Gothamite: "Nothing, sir! Not a jim jammery jottin' thing, whut!"
Dirty Fucking Gotham Cop: "What did you call me? Do you want me to arrest you?"
Peaceful Gothamite: "Why, no officer! Please don't!"
Metaphor For Every Fucking Cop Ever: "That's it! You're under arrest for resisting arrest, you fucking cunt!"

The Talon doesn't escape far with Bennet. Apparently the trick for disappearing in a cloud of smoke using the traditional ninja smoke bomb is to quickly hide someplace nearby. This time, the Talon hung from the bottom of the nearby bridge with Bennet in her arms. And a noose around Bennet's neck. She leaves him to die by hanging and disappears.

The Court of Owls wants Hex to take the blame for Bennet's death. They rule by secrecy but I guess they don't mind people like Hex knowing about their Talon. Who's going to believe him? Besides, they probably figure he'll be killed in the ensuing chaos of the Crime Bibleers' retaliation.

How come the men don't get pets? Mr. Terror can have a Raven. Mr. Assassination can have a tiny crocodile. And Mr. Extortion needs a monkey.

Later that night, the Dirty Fucking Gotham Police storm Akrham Asylum Manor to arrest Jonah, Amadeus, and Tallulah for not wanting to wait around to not be arrested.

After resizing the scanned picture and saving it, I realized I should have altered the cops text to say he's getting sick to the stomach of looking at Tallulah's rat's nest.

Of course the Dirty Fucking Gotham Cops aren't merely taking their captives to prison. They're driving an hour or so outside Gotham to bring them to Dr. Steampunk Mengele. It's crazy Wild, Wild West Death Trap for them now!

Pshaw! A controlled opiate isn't going to have any effect on Arkham! Too bad Arkham isn't exactly the go to guy for escape plans.

But it isn't Arkham who isn't affected by the opiate. Unless Arkham is just faking being passed out until Jonah wakes up since he has no idea what to do in extreme situations like this where death is quite probably going to be the outcome. It's Tallulah who's with it enough to formulate an escape plan as well as an essay on sexism.

As if she hasn't tied her fair share of men to things!

The Five Crime Lords arrive to find Tallulah Black missing. Apparently news doesn't travel fast enough in the old west or else the Crime Lords would have heard how the August 8 made this same mistake. I'm pretty sure if you have an organization of crime that you should never get all of your leaders in one place to do the dirty work. That's what followers and lackeys and henchmen are for, dumb dumbs!

Be here next month when the battered and bloody and dying Crime Lords answer the door to hear: "Telegram! Dear Crime Lordians. Stop. August 8 tried to kill Jonah Hex. Stop. Idiots all gathered together in one place for him to pick off. Stop. Yours sincerely, New Orleans Crime Bible Gossip Paper. Stop."

Reading the back-up story, I notice Justin Gray and Jimmy Palmiotti misuse "whom" for the second time this issue. Not that I really care. But they should just stick with the tried and true method of using "who" all of the time since percentage-wise, it's most likely the right choice. And if they get it wrong, it's less retarded than sticking "whom" everywhere.

This is the second comic in a row where I initially didn't give a shit about the back-up issue but I've become a fan! Dr. Terrence Thirteen is the bee's knees!

Gotham is being plagued by The Haunted Highwayman, so Dr. Thirteen is recruited to uncover the mystery of this brigand!

So much awesome on this page.

Dr. Terrence Thirteen looks like Jason Scott of Textfiles fame if Jason were to just shave the bottom half of the beard.

So much awesome here too.

Dr. Thirteen heads out with a posse and ambushes The Haunted Highwayman. But the Highwayman turns his flamethrower pistol on Dr. Thirteen! Will he survive?

All Star Western #11 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm not surprised how much I like this western book with Jonah Hex. But I am very surprised that they didn't find a writer or artist to ruin it.

All Star Western #10

This is a pretty nice cover marred by the words and the fucking Bat Lash advert.

First, a story that has nothing to do with Jonah Hex. I have a floor cleaning business. I'm also the only employee, so it's technically a worker owned business. Anyway, I clean the floors of a pet store in Oregon City once a month. Last night, as I was setting up, I could hear some chickens going crazy in the back room where they shove a bunch of cages to get them out of my way. But this was louder than I'd expect from a chicken. I pass by the room at one point and see a cage full of Bantam Chickens which I've never seen in this store before. So I think, "A-ha! You guys are making an awful racket." And I head off. Then I come by again to talk with the ferret and the chinchilla and commiserate with them on the awful noise they have to endure back there. And that's when I notice the fucking chickens aren't making a peep. They're just looking around confused which, I think, is normal for chickens. And then I know why that loud chicken noise sounds so familiar. The fucking parrot is imitating the chickens. But not in a cute chicken way. He's screaming chicken noises at the top of his little birdy lungs. Holy shit. That pet store has ruined that parrot!

Father: "Look what I got the family! A parrot!"
Family: "Yay!"
Daughter: "Can it speak?"
Parrot: "BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK!"
Mother: "Take it the fuck back."

I hope that story isn't more interesting than the story in All Star Western which I'm about to read right now!

Last issue (and the cover of this issue!), Tallulah Black was tossed out of the window of Wayne's Casino (whichever Wayne this is! I can't keep them straight). This issue, there are slight repercussions.

It's possible I should remember Lucius but I'm sure he's one of the Followers of Cain/Skull Ring Society/Crime Bible Syndicate guys. Especially since his bodyguard is The Crimson Pirate Molester. He doesn't molest pirates! He molests children dressed as a pirate. He always has to explain that when declaring who he is.

While tending to his friend Tallulah, Hex sees The Crimson Pirate Molester dashing across the rooftops. I guess once he has a successful bodyguarding moment, The Crimson Pirate Molester heads off to reward himself with a shot of beer.

Those tits look familiar. I think I should probably remember Tallulah from the first story arc.

Jonah brings his wounded friend to Arkham for help because the hospital in Gotham is probably filled with Crime Lord Owl Bat Cain Skull Pirate people.

"The poor woman has..." what? What! Rats in her vagina? Stinging nipples? Diarrhea?

I like a good story that tells itself with its own pictures. Then I can just scan shit and shut the fuck up! Too bad I have such a problem shutting up the fuck. Hmm, maybe that was a sentence that should have ended with the preposition.

A little after-dinner absinthe to calm the nerves created by that chick with the rats in her vagina.

While Arkham enjoys his more sophisticated beverage, Hex drinks Hangman's Whisky. Oh, fuck you spell-check! Whisky does not have an "e", you heathen. I mean, it can have one. But I prefer mine without. Also, Arkham mentions how he likes to conduct research in the poor neighborhoods because he can "find a good number of cases involving birth defects and mental illness." How can you not like this opium-smoking, absinthe-drinking, baby-dissecting madman? He and Hex make a great team and anybody not reading this comic is missing out. Which I think is most everyone. Maybe I'm the only one who's entertained by this. It's right up my proverbial alley. Did that sound like I meant my asshole because I didn't!

Nearly every page of this issue so far has given me that flushy kind of buzzed feeling you get from tossing back a pontarlier of absinthe (or do you merely sip out of a pontarlier? I had to look that up since I know every liquor gets its own type of glass but I am sorely lacking in matching the glasses with the drinks). It makes me giddy even if the references, asides, and allusions aren't very subtle. If I were to have asked for my dream comic ten years ago, I never would have guessed that "A Brave and Bold style team-up starring Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham!" would have been the correct answer.

His mother is still alive! Perhaps will get a story arc where Mad-dog kills her and Jonah and Amadeus capture Mad-dog and lock him in Arkham's basement where Amadeus can torture him until he dies!

Meanwhile, The Court of Owls have in interest in destroying the Followers of Cain. But they don't want to start a war. Remember, the Owls seek power through balance and order! And the Followers of Cain are getting too powerful and chaotic.

I like this use of the Court of Owls. Now that they've been established, they can play a huge role in this story that takes place 120 years or so previous to Batman's destroying them. I'm assuming that Batman destroys them in Batman #11.

The Owls realize that their Talon cannot succeed at this task alone. But they've heard of Tallulah already trying to kill Bennet and Hex asking questions of Wayne. So the plan is to manipulate Hex and Tallulah into doing some of their dirty work for them.

Later, Tallulah wakes up and Arkham has a very uncomfortable yet strangely sensual morning.

Later, Arkham visits a man locked up because he's been acting crazy.

This man and the guard are killed within seconds of Arkham leaving the cell.

Arkham hears the men murdered and rushes back in to find nobody there. But he does find a feather. He decides to discuss this with Jonah. Probably after Jonah is done putting his penis in Tallulah's rat nest.

And then there's the Bat Lash back-up story. I only know of Bat Lash from the 1980s version of Who's Who, the one that actually looked like a comic book instead of looking like a homework assignment. I was prepared not to like it. But this is a well told comic tale. Really done well. And so I was charmed by him just like all the women he's supposedly bedded, if you believe the tale he narrates.

Here he is at a young age discovering one of life's bountiful treasures.

All Star Western #10 Rating: +1 Ranking. Hell, even the back-up story was enjoyable!