Aquaman #17

In this issue, Aquaman finds himself trapped with a kitten and a raccoon after he slips down a sewer grate in a big storm!

I'm seriously thinking about spending my money not on some really fantastic comic book trades I've been meaning to read from the time I was away from comics but on the Aquaman Omnibus instead. I'm curious to see why he became so famous and well-liked. Was he ever well-liked? What weird decades all the previous ones were? People were really like that in them? Strange!

Uh-oh! It looks like today is a speak in generalities kind of day! I wonder if I can catch up on my comic book reading by writing vague and uninteresting commentaries? Let me practice a little bit before I begin reading Aquaman.

"The art in this issue wasn't up to the usual quality because reasons. Aquaman's motivations seemed to lack motivation and his actions were less than full of action. His hair did look particularly nice though."

That was some good writing practice! I think I'm ready to work on my novel about a protagonist that does things which cause him to learn things. It's uplifting and inspiring and has something to do with rags and bootstraps. It's a truly mediocre American novel.

This issue begins with Aquaman giving a Junior High School oral report in the same vein as legends like Hawkman or Deathstroke. At least when they were being written by that master craftsman and Jack Kirbyesque master of comic books (according to a panel at Emerald City Comic Con) Rob Liefeld.

Aquaman: "The Phone-it-inicians thought up the term, 'The Seven Seas.' But the only sea those big dumb dumbs knew was the Mediterranean Sea! They must have paddled out in their primitive stone age canoes and were all, 'Whoa! Look at this sea! It goes on forever!' And then one of their friends ran up from the shore and went, 'Hey guys! There's a whole other sea on the other side of the island!' And the guy paddling the stone boat put his hands up to his head with his fingers splayed out and went, 'MIND. BLOWN.'
Aquaman: "But then more successful cultures were all, 'What big dumb dumbs! Thinking one sea was seven seas?! Ha ha ha!' And then an even more successful culture went, 'Oh? You think they're the dumb dumbs, dumb dumbs? Have you ever heard the term--' And he looked dramatically over one shoulder. And then slowly turned his head to look over the other shoulder. And then he fixed his gaze back on the now drooling with anticipation dumb dumbs and said, 'Ocean.'"
Aquaman: "And then everybody's minds were literally blown and the Seven Seas had to be discovered all over again. Thank you. I hope I get an A+."

I can't find where I said it because I'm eternally unorganized and can't remember most of the things I've written from commentary to commentary, but I'm pretty sure when I speculated as to what Aquaman would be doing after fighting Black Mantis and Ocean Master and dealing with Atlantis, the only thing he would have left to deal with are Japanese Whalers and Dolphin Killers. Well guess the fuck what?

The Japanese Whalers have gotten their hands on some Atlantean Whale-killing tech and are having a gay old time. Literally a gay old time because whaling is an old career and whalers loved doing gay things to each other. Sheesh, read Moby Dick sometime!

Paul Pelletier has a funny way of drawing Japanese people! Maybe these guys are Icelandic or Norwegian! Wouldn't that just be typical of DC? Even when they're portraying bad guys, they have to pick white guys! Except of course when Aquaman's enemy has "black" in his name! Black Manta really should have been a Japanese Whaler.

Aquaman shows up with a squad of Atlantean Whaler Killers to stop the horrible abuse of ancient land mammals that signed a treaty with Atlantis for protection if they only moved into the ocean. I'm pretty sure that happened. And since the Atlanteans are defending the whales, maybe the weird coral-looking Whale Cannon the Whalers are using isn't Atlantean Technology. Unless Garth is some kind of black market Atlantean Tech fence! Maybe Dolphin sold the tech to the Japanese Whalers so they'll leave the dolphins alone!

Oh! I get what's happening. Those fucking whales are so Goddamned noisy with their singing all of the time, some Atlanteans can't get any fucking sleep. So they sell some Atlantean Whale Killing Tech to the land dwellers and have them silence those loud-mouthed water mammals!

After Aquaman stops the whalers, the Sea Devils (who have been fighting against the whalers themselves) climb on board the whaler's ship and yell at Aquaman.

Aquaman: "Thank you, Sea Devils, for helping us defeat these bloodthirsty villains!"
Sea Devil Dean: "You're a fucking terrorist and nobody likes you."
Aquaman: "Jesus fucking Christ in a pita pocket. You land-dwellers act as if your genitals are constantly caught in the pincers of a crab."
Sea Devil Judy: "Tee hee! I'm just doing this to research a part in a movie! Tee hee!"
Sea Devil Dean: "Fucking Judy. You do realize you've been Rebooted, right? Drop the stupid actress bullshit!"
Sea Devil Judy: "Hey asshole! We've only been in the Reboot for like ten fucking seconds. How do you know I'm not an actress?!"
Sea Devil Dean: "Well look at fucking Little Nicky. Not so little anymore, is he? And does it look like we're Frogmen searching for lost treasures and battling ancient underwater civilizations?"
Sea Devil Nicky: "Actually..."
Sea Devil Dean & Judy: "Shut the fuck up, Nicky!"
Aquaman: "I don't have all day here, guys. Did you need to do something other than calling me names?"

Because of this confrontation, Aquaman earns the mistrust of the human Sea Devils as well as the mistrust of the Atlantean Men-of-War. Arthur just can't win.

Afterward Aquaman goes to talk with Amanda Waller about some arms dealer selling Atlantean Technology on the international black market! I fucking knew Garth was up to no good! Actually, the technology that's being sold is stuff scavenged off of the bottom of the ocean left over from the very, very recent war between Boston and Atlantis. And "scavenged" is the operative word here because the page before Waller and Arthur discuss the world's hatred for Atlantis, Scavenger is shown scavenging the tech on the bottom of the sea. I had no idea who Scavenger was but I recognized his Shark-mouth Scuba Suit from the cover of Who's Who #XX. Apparently he's super mysterious and once devolved into an infant and then into sperm (or an egg (or both?)) and then into Limbo. But that probably never happened since that's old time Pre-Crisis History. That's so far removed from The New 52 that it might as well be a Marvel story.

Waller mentions that Orm may possibly get the death penalty for leading the attack on Boston. Really? It was just fucking Boston. Everybody calm down! Aquaman looks worried even as he declares that Orm wasn't a scapegoat and that Orm really does need to be punished for his decision to go to war. I think Aquaman is in denial because he wants to fit in so badly. But he should really listen to Waller here. She knows what she's talking about. Orm is absolutely a scapegoat. And if Waller had any feelings at all, she'll remember this moment and stick Ocean Master (Orm! Sheesh!) on the Suicide Squad so he'll stand a chance of beating the electric chair. But since Waller doesn't have any feelings at all, Orm had better just hope one of her super secret not-so-secret Suicide Squad missions takes place underwater.

How does Amanda know how Atlantis feels? Where does she get her information on everyone? She even knows why Mera wants nothing to do with Atlantis! Does Amanda have a better version of Who's Who than I do?!

Of course Waller being Waller, she immediately gets on the phone and tells her contacts they should take Mera now. Oh Amanda. You unfeeling bitch. Somebody throw a pie in this woman's face already.

While Mera is shopping, a bunch of cops show up to take her to the station for questioning. Well, that's not as bad as what I expected. I thought we were going to get a Mera/King Shark throw-down! Dammit. Now that's what I want to read!

While Mera is being arrested, Aquaman answers Amanda Waller's question.

Now aren't you feeling even a little badly about ordering Fish and Chips in Issue One?

Now I'm having one of those weird moments I think only girls are supposed to have. I feel all queasy in my stomach and my mouth wavers a bit and my vision becomes blurry as if I were walking in the windswept rain. This is not a boy feeling at all! How come I don't want to punch or fuck something right now? Why do I want to hug kittens and save puppies?!

Aquaman's Vuu Vuu Vuu telepathic waves reach all across the oceans and are eventually picked up by some guy beneath Antarctica who says, "King of the Seven Seas? How wrong you are." I don't know who this guy is but since he seems to have a problem with Arthur declaring himself King of the Seven Seas, it's probably Poseidon (even though he's super busy right now fighting The First Born in Wonder Woman).

Aquaman #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. There were a few beats in this issue that were really well done and which I really enjoyed. You can tell I liked it because I completely forgot to make fun of Aquaman while reading it! I still think he's being a bit harsh and cruel toward his brother but he may eventually send Murk and the Men-of-war to free Orm since the land-dwellers are threatening to give him the death penalty. More likely, Arthur will just kind of look the other way as Murk and the Men-of-war free Orm on their own and they become Ocean Master's loyal henchmen.

Justice League #17

If only the Justice League hadn't lost their Green Lantern. Without a Green Lantern, they're just a second tier super group.

The Justice League managed to Boom Tube out of the ocean and back up into the Justice League Watchtower where they find Doctor Shin recovering from Vulko's beat-down. I guess since the entire Justice League was stuck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, nobody was worried about Cyborg's Boom Tube malfunctioning and sending them to Apokolips. Although if that had happened, the war with Atlantis would probably be over by the time they got back and a fish would be president of the United States.

Turns out Vulko was pissed at Orm and the Atlanteans for exiling him years ago. So he engineered a human missile strike on Atlantis so that the Atlantean Army would come to the surface and attack the humans. Vulko doesn't care what happens to the humans; they're just collateral damage. Vulko merely wanted the Atlanteans on land where they'd be most vulnerable. And then he sent the Trench Fish up to destroy them.

At least that's Mera's theory and I'd believe anything she says. *sigh*

While the elite heroes make plans aboard their fancy satellite headquarters, the foot soldier heroes are down on the front lines fighting the Atlanteans.

I notice Green Arrow and Hawkman are missing from this brawl. It's probably because they were called up to the Justice League of America but I like to think it's because they were let go due to extreme suckage.

When I turn the page, I'm greeted with Hawkman stabbing Orm in the wrist, so I guess Hawkman still made the cut. Even though Batman tried to veto him from the group. Meanwhile Firestorm tells Black Canary that he can't transmute organic material. I remember that being a weakness of his in Preboot history but I think this might be the first time it's been mentioned in The New 52. There's a lot to remember when having read about 900 comics in the last year though, so it's very possible I'm wrong about that.

And then the Justice League risks another detour to Apokolips and Boom Tubes themselves into the battle.

Shut up, Superman. He does. He does indeed.

While Batman meets up with the Justice League Farm Team at the docks, Aquaman battles Orm. Orm has the ability to control water the way that Mera does. But Aquaman doesn't have that power! Is that only an ability of full Atlanteans? Or maybe full-blooded Royal Atlanteans since I haven't seen any other Atlanteans use the power. And what about speaking with fish? Is that just something that Aquaman can do? I think Orm might have sent all of the sea-life out of the area before his army attacked Boston but, once again, I'm not too sure. Stupid memory. And stupid laziness keeping me from looking it up!

Batman organizes the Farm Team into a posse to hunt down Vulko. That's about all they're useful for now that Superman and Wonder Woman are on the scene. Too bad most of them can't take their eyes off of the famous Batman because Vulko is simply standing on a skyscraper overlooking the battle hoping that Aquaman will kill Orm. But after Orm gets all emotional and girl scoutery, I doubt that's going to happen.

So what happened to change the weeping into warring? Give him a hug!

While throwing a bus at Orm, Aquaman tells him how much he loved finding out he had a brother as well! Then they kiss kick and hug hit each other for a few pages until Aquaman finally defeats Orm just as Batman and his posse discover Vulko.

Oh! I guess that's probably what Vulko wanted. Aquaman back on the throne. Thus the name of the crossover! Orm being killed would simply have been an added bonus.

Now that Aquaman is king again, he commands the Atlanteans to attack the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers. The Trench Fish People are apparently just enough fish for nobody to care about killing them. Why do fish not get any love? Vegetarians are often Pescetarians but you never see any Vegetarians that are Vaccatarians! Although I have known quite a few Pancettatarians! I don't subscribe to any of those terms. I'm just an Angry Vegetarian. I only eat animals that piss me off.

It's possible that most of the heroes like Superman and Batman don't kill the Fish Guys while they fight them. It's hard to tell since the ultimate goal is to simply drive them back into the ocean. That can only be accomplished using the Dead King's Scepter so it's a good thing Batman found Vulko. Batman is always thinking ahead!

Well then it's a good thing it all fucking worked out exactly like you planned it, isn't it? Vulko is a mastermind on the level of Harvest!

With the Dead King's Scepter, Aquaman sends the Trench Monsters home and the war is over. He arrests Vulko and sends him back to Atlantis with the Atlantean Army. And then to prove himself to Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman, he arrests Orm and sends him off to Belle Reve. It's really shitty logic and a fucking crappy thing to do to his brother. Basically Aquaman labels Orm a terrorist because after the fight, Orm is no longer a king defending his nation. Even though he was a king defending his nation when he launched the attack. Fucking Aquaman really is a land dweller now, isn't he? And he's got good old American Rationale down pat too. If Superman really meant what he said earlier about Aquaman not having to prove himself, he should have stepped in and stopped this fucking travesty of justice. Instead, the Justice League are all really proud of Aquaman for doing the right* thing.

*"Right" being what they wanted him to do in the first place. Jerks.

But now Aquaman has to go back to Atlantis and be a responsible ruler.

Good riddance!

This crossover causes three things to happen on the final page. Amanda Waller decides it's time to activate the Justice League of America. Batman thinks it would be a good idea to expand their membership. And the Legion of Doom begins hiring! Beginning with the Scarecrow because he's had the most experience so far in The New 52 having starred in at least two major stories and a back-up story or two.

Justice League #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. Okay, so maybe the big bad Super Villain Co-Op won't go by the name Legion of Doom. Maybe they'll be the Secret Society of Super-Villains. But just knowing they're coming in some form is good enough for me. That was the best part of the story which is why I mentioned it first. The rest of the story resolved itself nicely and in a nice, short manner. I was worried Geoff Johns was going to drag this out for ten years. The only thing I don't like is how Aquaman turned his brother into a scapegoat. It was an international incident caused by a third party while Orm was king. Arresting him just because he gave up the crown after the battle was over seems like a really dick move. But then I don't actually expect anything more from Superman, Batman, and Aquaman! Jerks!

Aquaman #16

I notice Batman has already escaped. Or drowned. I wonder how long Wonder Woman can hold her breath?

This issue begins with Cyborg undergoing surgery inside The Red Room. So The Red Room does exist and it doesn't only store Unknown Known Unknown objects; it also houses a Robotic Hospital. If The Red Room really does exist, then where is The Haunted Tank actually kept? Perhaps it simply teleports itself back and forth between The Black Room and The Red Room since it does have that power. And that's the only explanation that makes sense. Actually other explanations make sense but only if DC editors and writers have made some errors. And I don't want to accuse anyone of making a mistake! Especially when I can do some Fanboy Pretzel Logic and excuse the seeming error with comic book knowledge!

I'm also learning that The Red Room is in Detroit within S.T.A.R. Labs (or relearning if that was mentioned in G.I. Combat). The Black Room is under Washington, DC. I wonder if there are any other color rooms? I would speculate on some possibilities but I'd probably just end up making jokes teetering on the edge of racism. Anyway, I don't see color! The Red Room? The Black Room? They're all just The Room to me!

Speaking of The Room, here's my friend Xan's cat, Truffle Hunter, in his Tommy Wiseau phase. When I saw this picture of Truffle Hunter, I instantly knew where I'd seen that face before. This cat has talent!

While knocked out on the operating room table, Victor (Cyborg!) begins processing security footage from the ship that tried to nuke Atlantis so he can try to figure out who is to blame for this mess. Does anesthesia hamper your ability to dream when it knocks you unconscious? If not, is it possible to have erotic dreams while on the operating table? That could be embarrassing. Or a letter to Penthouse, depending on how the doctors and nurses react.

Let me take a moment to revise my chess analogy from Justice League #16. I think Aquaman is definitely the King. Dr. Shin is simply a pawn. Superman and Vulko are his Bishops. Mera is probably the Queen. Wonder Woman and Batman are knights. And Cyborg is both castles due to his dual nature. On the other side of the board, Orm is the king. Orm is the Queen. Orm is the bishop. Orm is the castle. And Tula and Garth are knights. I don't know many people on the Atlantis side of the board! Maybe it would be easier if I just compared the conflict to checkers! The Justice League is Red and the Atlanteans are Black! Perfect!

Meanwhile at the bottom of the ocean, Aquaman escapes from his Solid Water Casket while Batman begins lasering his way out. Superman and Wonder Woman are even further down in the trench where the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers live. These are the guys from Aquaman's first story arc, The Trench. They were the most boring part of that story. The best part of the story were the people making Aquaman jokes. And Mera. Mera was a really good part of that story too!

Aquaman and Batman in a Pod swim deeper in search of Wonder Woman and Superman.

Sure, now Batman figures out it was wrong to fight each other. How many times are they going to have this conversation after beating the hell out of each other? This is at least the second time.

Up above, Firstorm, Hawkman, Black Canary, Black Lightning, Element Woman, Vixen, and a tiny person (perhaps Goldrush? I don't know who that is) are battling the Atlantean army to keep them in check. Hawkman gets a couple of mediocre panels that are better than everything in his regular title. And while these pawns are battling at the front line, Cyborg is ready to plunge into the Atlantic with Mera to save the Justice League. Except they don't plunge; they Boom Tube. The arrive at the location of Batman's distress call just in time to save them from being eaten by the Trench Creatures.

Ugh! I know how you feel, Batman. Who wants that guy stinking up your comic book?

Meanwhile two pages of comic book are wasted on a dramatic rendering of the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers emerging from the ocean. I suppose it's very dramatic. If it were any smaller, I wouldn't take the threat seriously. But since two pages were used to portray the event, I'm really frightened!

Aquaman and Mera come to the conclusion that the Trench Creatures have risen to the surface to help out Orm's army. But he's just as fucking surprised as they are when the creatures appear! His army begins to be torn apart as the reader realizes a third person must be behind it all! And that's when Victor's program finishes processing the security film from the ship that started this all.

Well shit. Chess doesn't have three sides! Maybe this is Chinese Checkers?

Aquaman #16 Rating: No change. This is probably one of those comic books that action-oriented comic book fans love. But it's simply mediocre for an unloved, cynical asshole with a degree in literature. But fuck that. Forget the rankings. I'm done talking about Aquaman. Let's fucking talk about this:

Is this the New 52 version of Jonni DC?

I knew Ambush Bug would find his place outside of continuity somewhere! I guess he'll be commenting on it. I hope whatever this is it isn't just a bullshit rehash of DC Comics All Access or the other lame features they keep trying to shove in the back of the book. Be funny and informative! I just hope sticking Ambush Bug in this News 52 thing doesn't keep him from eventually appearing elsewhere.

Justice League #16

I guess the part where they talk out their problems falls through. Oh, who am I kidding? When has rational discussion ever been attempted in a comic book?

This cover shows Geoff Johns trying too hard. We all know Aquaman is his current pet project so he wants to make him look as bad-ass as possible by standing his ground against the entire Justice League. I take it we'll all be enjoying huge company wide crossovers of universal importance centered around Aquaman in the years to come. Except they won't be that universal because they'll all be happening at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean. And sales won't be that great because everyone will once again be bored with Aquaman in a year or so. Although I think I see how Geoff Johns can keep Aquaman popular this time. If he keeps interspersing Aquaman stories with Mera stories, I think it will work. But I don't think Aquaman needs to be a member of the Justice League anymore. My friend Doom Bunny made a copy of the flowchart Steve Trevor passed on to Amanda Waller so she best knows how to utilize her new league.

That's pretty accurate. Although I'd probably add a level so if the answer to "Is Batman available?" is no, the chart would ask, "Do we have time to wait for Batman to become available?" And if that is no, the next one should read, "Has anyone tried Batman's pager?"

So the cover takes over where Aquaman #15 left off: Aquaman became pissed that he was being disrespected by the Justice League (again) and wasn't going to take it anymore. It was time for yet another in-house Justice League brawl. I guess when you're as powerful as the Justice League, your only worthy adversary is yourself. Or an old writer with cancer. Or a woman in leopard spandex.

Aquaman knocks Superman out because it's a silly comic book and they can get away with printing any ridiculous thing they want. But that's what Superman gets for standing around and not acting aggressively toward Aquaman. Hasn't he been in enough good guy on good guy fights to know that you always have to get in the first punch or you're fucked? He's still so naive. Batman tries to have a discussion with Aquaman but that fucking asshole calls him Bruce right there in front of Orm and everyone! I can tell Batman was about to teach him a lesson for that careless mistake when Batman gets zapped by Orm's magic trident.

Just go with it Orm. The surface dwellers are confusing bastards.

You know what? Fuck it! Stop trying to figure out these fucking land dwellers that are always so quick to punch each other in the throat. Who needs 'em? Do whatever you think is right, Orm.

Whoa whoa whoa. Don't get crazy!

While this invasion is beginning, Cyborg is rescuing Dr. Shin from Aquagirl because Dr. Shin is a really important chess piece in this gigantic game of global checkers. He's probably the Queen and Cyborg just castled him back to the Justice League Watchtower so he can be kinged.

Now I didn't just pull the chess analogy out of my ass (there I go again being unable to resist using "ass" and "analogy" in the same sentence!). I was just thinking of chess because Orm, the king of the sea, is obsessed with figuring out who the king of the land is. Obviously he thinks it's Batman at first except Batman is so totally the Knight. Cyborg is obviously the Rook and perhaps Dr. Shin is the King since Cyborg is castling with him. Wonder Woman is the Queen and not just because she's a woman but because she's probably the most useful member of the Justice League in a war. That leaves the Bishop for preachy ass Superman. I wonder if this entire battle can be mapped out as a game of chess.

A very sexual game of chess.

The Justice League loses the battle against Orm pretty quickly when he blasts them all with lightning controlled by his Trident Relic. So now it looks like the Justice League can add "Aquaman's brother" to the list of enemies more powerful than they are. That list just gets more and more embarrassing. Orm encases them all in solid water (I think there's a more technical term for that) and takes them underwater to be punished. That leaves only Cyborg left to rescue them and Cyborg has already shown his reluctance to set a metal foot in the ocean. It looks like it might be time to remove that human lung and have it replaced by more gears. Time for a trip to S.T.A.R. Labs!

Am I the only one that now wants a comic book based inside S.T.A.R. Labs and written like episodes of Degrassi Junior High?

It's nice to see the first (I think?) reference to the Metal Men. This is the second mention of Red Tornado but the first mention of this Earth's Red Tornado. And while I'm generally against spying on our fellow citizens and ratting them out to the authorities based on a person's own subjective and biased observations, I think there should probably be a program set up where other scientists report crazed behavior like Dr. T. O. Morrow shows here. Nip that mad scientist shit in the bud! This guy is obviously unstable and they just go about their business while he rants and foams in the background.

Cyborg's lung removal and SCUBA insert surgery will take a few hours so he feels the need to call on some super heroes the League has been scouting to help out.

I'm most excited about Urania. If Element Woman is actually Element Girl alive and well again.

I guess I'll find out more about Element Woman in Aquaman #16 which I have sitting here ready to read next! But first: SHAZAM!

Dr. Sivanus is still collecting Sins while Black Adam finally confronts Shazam. And after Black Adam kicks him across town a few times, Shazam learns what I figured he was going to learn last time. Changing back to Billy has its advantages. Shazam turns back into Billy so Black Adam can't find and kill him and then runs and hides in an alley. Apparently Freddie was the funny one because this issue didn't have one joke in it! Unless you count Billy's ability to defend himself. Ha! Loser.

Justice League #16 Rating: No change. I feel like I'm just speeding through the issues of Justice League where everyone is fighting simply to get to the issues when everything is calm and the team members stand around talking about how much they distrust one another. Those are my favorite episodes. Also the episodes where Steve Trevor overhears them baking cookies and he thinks they're having an orgy because Steve Trevor thinks terms like "pounding dough" and "preheat to 425" and "add the M&Ms" and "grease the shit out of that thing" are all sex terms. Hmm. Maybe he's right. Did Mr. Roper ever hear Jack Tripper fucking someone in the kitchen and innocently assume he was making an omelette? I feel like I've asked that question before. Have we all asked that question before?

Aquaman #15

Unless fish have started to poop kryptonite, Superman must be taking a nap in the background. Why waste his time fighting a villain from the sea? Let the Sea King handle it! Superman needs to save his energy for the real threats from space.

How many times have DC Comic fans been through this charade? A new Aquaman title comes out and everybody declares that this time Aquaman is different! This time he's been made to be cool! He's interesting now! And then everyone gets tired of staring at the Emperor's naked dingle and some kid tells him that Aquaman is a joke. And everyone goes back about their business of making fun of Aquaman.

Now, I know it's not cool to make fun of Aquaman currently. That was last century's comic book fans. A bunch of ignorant barbarians. We're a much better people now. We're more sophisticated. So it may seem like I'm hopelessly out of touch with the modern view of comics when I slip right back into the comfort of laughing at the sea king. But I'm just living in reality! It's only a matter of time before even the loyal comic book readers go back to the status quo and begin treating Aquaman like the fish biscuit he's always been.

The main group of people that refuse to make fun of Aquaman are those solidly in the Us (comic book readers) versus Them (socially active people) camp. They want to prove that people that make fun of Aquaman are ignorant of his actual powers and abilities. But this stand isn't about Aquaman at all. It's about one upping those other jerks that think they're so cool drinking alcoholic beverages and kissing women on the mouth. Defending Aquaman is never about Aquaman. Let's face it. We all know he's the worst Justice League member ever. Defending Aquaman is about making oneself look more knowledgeable than those that would demean Aquaman. It's about feeling superior. "You make fun of Aquaman because you just don't get him. *snrt*"

I assure you all: I get him! But I will stand by my right to make fun of him! It's in the fucking constitution, people! Also, I want to fit in with those people drinking and kissing! "Aquaman fucks fish, amirite?" Now somebody fetch me a drink and kiss me on the mouth already!

For those staunch advocates of Aquaman's super coolness, let's take a quick look at his entry from the 1985 Who's Who.

Excerpt from the "Powers & Weapons" section: "...if Aquaman remains out of contact with water for more than an hour, he weakens, slips into a coma, and will ultimately die."

Aquaman #15: "Is Aquaman a match for...THE TOWEL!?!"
Aquaman #16: "Can the Doctors Discover the TERRIBLE SECRET of THE SEA KING before it's too late?!"
Aquaman #17: "TO PULL THE PLUG OR NOT TO PULL THE PLUG?!"
Aquaman #18: "Funeral at sea."
Aquaman #19: "The MIRACULOUS recovery of ARTHUR CURRY!"

But that was the old Aquaman. At some point, people realized making him vulnerable to dryness lacked a certain amount of heroic flavor. Unless he was still suffering from that up until the Preboot! But now he's not even vulnerable to snide remarks about his silly powers. He's full of self-esteem and a deep loathing for humankind. He's grim and gritty and can deflect bullets with his super tough skin. And I'm sure that in the pages of Justice League and Aquaman, he'll garner respect from Batman and Superman. Perhaps he'll eventually stop being an after thought when people name the members of the Justice League. Perhaps. But not in my commentaries!

Before I get to the commenting part of this commentary, here's a picture of Aquaman as reinterpreted by my friend Doom Bunny's daughter Janie.

This costume is 85% cooler than his normal one!

Meanwhile in Gotham, Commissioner Gordon and Detective Bullock will no longer be making public Aquaman jokes.

I hope it wasn't Harvey that was yelling for Barbara!

Mera meets up with Batman and Aquaman to discuss war plans. Luckily Cyborg knew the wave was coming so the majority of Gothamites escaped drowning. But that doesn't go for Metropolis and Boston! I bet most of the people in those cities are dead!

Speaking of the people in Metropolis, Vulko and Superman engage in some pre-dialogue violence. That's always the most unavoidable violence. One person says, "Calm down." And the other person says, "There's no time!" And they beat each other up for a little bit. And then one of them says, "I'm sorry but you have to listen!" And the other one says, "Fuck you, you asshole, why the fuck did you punch me in the face if you just wanted my help, you crazy son of a squid!" And then Vulko says, "We need King Arthur!"

Mera gets put on clean-up detail because she's a woman (unless it's because she can manipulate water and drain the cities although I think that's just an excuse because Aquaman and Batman don't want to fucking clean up) while Batman and Aquaman discuss what's happening. Hey hey hey! What's happening?

Okay guys, don't start hitting each other now. Just figure out who sabotaged the submarine and get busy kicking that person's ass.

Aquaman tells Batman that he used to be somebody! He was the King of Atlantis, dammit! The King of the Sea! The King of the Seven Seas! The King of the World! But then he joined the Justice League because it just seemed like a more respectable job. Batman decides to be a hard-assed asshole by telling Aquaman that whoever is behind these attacks has to pay. Aquaman says that Atlantis is attacking because they think whoever is behind the missile attacks has to pay. Batman says, "That's no excuse."

Fucking Batman and his land dweller bullshit! So it's your right to make people pay for death and destruction but other people don't have that right to bring retribution on your people? You know, I used to like you, Batman. But reading The New 52, I realize you're a money grubbing, gentrifying, imperialist, holier-than-thou dickfaced weasel fucker. I think it's time for Dick Grayson to take your place permanently.

Cyborg begins trying to organize the Justice League so that they can drive back the Atlantean army. He mentions that The Flash is busy fighting monkeys but it's unrelated to this attack. Wow, Cyborg! Way to make a call! I guess he could have been fighting Sea Monkeys though. And Cyborg can be forgiven since he's half-robot and he doesn't always know when some things don't need to be said. The rest of the Justice League meet on the satellite to discuss their next move.

Wonder Woman takes Batman's side and decides that anything the United States does is an accident or okay by the terms of war. But Orm's retaliation against the Land Dwellers after Atlantis was attacked is the stuff of super villains and he's a murderer. The Justice League is full of fascists. But they let Aquaman go to speak with Orm and try to straighten this mess out.

Eh. Go ahead. It's just fucking Boston.

Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman suddenly Boom Tube in to tell Aquaman he's out of time. So they tell him he can negotiate with his brother and then they give him two minutes and then they appear to throw fuel on the fire. Fuck me. I'm really beginning to hate the Justice League. Earth 2 is so much better off with these assholes in the ground.

And guess what happens when the Big Three arrive to force everyone to do things their way? Aquaman gets violent and begins choking Batman. Why are these super heroes so fucking high strung? Boston is already a complete wasteland. I'm pretty sure Aquaman has plenty of time to discuss things with Orm before anybody needs to be punched in the nose. Especially fucking Superman. He's SUPERMAN! Take a fucking laxative, bitch. As soon as Orm gets uppity, fly down at him at superspeed and kick his ass. Now Batman I can see overreacting because Batman really needs to get the first strike to gain the upper hand, being mortal and fragile and all. But Superman needs some goddamned patience.

Aquaman #15 Rating: No change. So the comic ends with Aquaman's hand around Batman's throat. Things escalate so quickly in comic books! If real life were like comics, I imagine just asking my mother for a bowl of cereal while growing up would end with one of us in the hospital. Hmm, that's a bad example since that's exactly what breakfast was like growing up. But you get the idea! Every class discussion at school would be a brawl. Debates would be knife fights. Romantic dates would be full of kidnapping, murder, and rape which would make them indistinguishable from fraternity dates. Live entertainment would end in genocide! But at least the drama would sell!

Justice League #15

Look at how angry Batman is because he's not the center of attention.

I bet Batman is wondering how Aquaman's lousy crossover made it into the pages of The Justice League but The Court of Owls and Death of the Family didn't warrant any Justice League space. Sure, the Justice League fought some Talons on an airplane as Green Arrow begged them to let him join but the front cover didn't tag the crossover so it didn't count. I don't think any other comic book wanted Aquaman, so Geoff Johns could only tell The Throne of Atlantis story in books he was writing. And Green Lantern is busy with its own shitty crossover (well, it's not that shitty! I'm actually enjoying it except for the part where everyone should have stopped trusting the Guardians of the Universe twenty years ago) and besides, what good would Aquaman be in space?

The comic begins with a submarine accidentally launching nuclear missiles into the ocean floor in the middle of the Atlantic. It may or may not have been an act of sabotage and the missiles may or may not have hit Atlantis or an outlying Atlantean community or maybe it just blew a hole in The Trench to free the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers. It's a couple of pages of that semi-cinematic hogwash that Geoff Johns likes to write into his comics that wastes a lot of space. But after that, the story really kicks in as Clark Kent and Diana Prince get dressed after their Smallville fling.

"But as a woman, you'll also need to put your hair in a ponytail for the disguise to be effective."

In Gotham, Batman was once again dealing with the Scarecrow. You'd think that The Scarecrow was Batman's only serious problem in Gotham City since the Reboot. He's fighting them over water which means Aquaman busts in and helps save the day. I probably should have put help in quotation marks because when does Batman ever think, "I could really use Aquaman's help right now!" As opposed to how often everybody else in the DCnU thinks, "I could really use Batman's help right now!"

See? Another hero with a problem that thought, "Batman can solve this!"

Aquaman fears the Trench creatures are back and Batman, being a Detective, realizes this probably has something to do with the ship that blew up the ocean floor with its missiles! Time to get the Justice League together and see what's up at the bottom of the ocean! Or just, you know, send Aquaman and Superman because it's too much of a pain in the ass to send anybody else down there. Even Cyborg is all, "Shit man, no way will I boom tube on to a ship in the Atlantic because if I miss I'll fucking drown so you guys deal with that shit." And Cyborg's dad is all, "Yo dude we can totes make you a mad setup for underwater gigs!" And Cyborg is all, "Fuck you I like my human lung you nut job control freak!" And Cyborg's dad is all, "lololol! Whatevs!"

While the rest of the Justice League are worried that all hell is going to break loose under the Atlantic Ocean, Wonder Woman is busy trying out the whole secret identity thing with Superman.

See? Glasses and hair up! Although the most important part of the disguise is the not wearing your underwear in public part.

While Clark and Diana enjoy mingling with the common rabble, a huge tidal wave hits Metropolis, carrying the evil bomb blasting boat into downtown. Unless it's a different boat but I suspect it's the offending boat because the Atlanteans were probably a little bit pissed off that they were fired upon by it. So Metropolis is right up on the coast probably across the bay from Gotham. It seems weird that Metropolis is basically the comic book version of New York and yet New York also exists. So the eastern seaboard has New York and then Metropolis just south of that? And then Gotham just south of that? Is Gotham in New Jersey? And if that is the location, why the hell did Green Lantern fly over Detroit when he went from Gotham to Metropolis way back in Justice League #1? Somebody get me a fucking map!

Looking up some shit about it, Mayfair Games placed it in Delaware for the DC Roleplaying game but that's obviously not canon. The Smallville television show had it in Kansas but since it's always been coastal, that's bullshit as well. I think Metropolis is where New York is in our reality and New York is further up the coast in DC reality! On one hand, it seems odd that DC wouldn't want to place these cities in an exact location to help solidify continuity which they love heavy petting to the point of physical ailment. But then it's probably continuity that keeps them from forcing the cities into one single place. As soon as that happens, all the super knowledge fanboys will emerge from the crawlspaces of their parents' houses and begin asking about how every single story line in every single Batman and Superman comic book could have happened if the city were in the place DC declares it's in. Writing a sentence with a bunch of ambiguous and vague nouns is confusing and I'm marking myself down for that last sentence and writing, "Clarity! Clarity! Clarity!!!" in red marker in the margin.

I don't know where I was going with all of this but it doesn't matter since I'm going to breakfast now. I'll continue this after the break(fast).

So before I went to breakfast, this happened and everybody in Metropolis drowned.

At least Lois Lane was saved by Vulko and Jimmy Olsen saved himself when Superman froze up with the realization that he and Wonder Woman couldn't save everybody. Boston was also hit by a huge wave but no super heroes live in Boston so even more people died there. Cyborg warned Batman that Gotham was next. And Nightwing just sank all of his cash into Amusement Mile! It's going to be washed away and he'll be destitute. Good! I hate all of these well-off people being the heroes of the common man! I hope Batman's bank account is washed away as well.

Aquaman realizes that these waves are the beginning of an attack by Atlantis because they're using his plan of attack against the surface dwelling, over fishing assholes. Serves them right is what Aquaman doesn't say with his mouth but you can see it in his gorgeous blue eyes. This will all be continued in Aquaman #15 which is the next comic book in my stack!

But before I start in on the "Aquaman is a joke" jokes, I still have the Shazam back-up story to read.

Shazam and his foster brother (Freddy, I think. I can't remember their names! The one with the braces! The leg braces, not the teeth braces!) blunder about looking for a way to score some cash so they can buy beer. As they do so, they end up stopping a bunch of crimes.

It's not stupid if you charge everyone for saving their asses! Kaching!

Freddy decides they should be getting home now since they never did score any beer. But Billy doesn't ever plan on turning back into a kid again. I bet he'll think differently once Black Adam punches him in the face a few dozen times. And next issue, that's exactly what's going to happen! After Billy and Freddy get in a fight and Freddy hobbles off in a huff, Black Adam crashes to the ground to confront Shazam. And that's where this story ends and doesn't continue in Aquaman #15.

Justice League #15 Rating: No change. Diana learns to abuse secret identities. Aquaman realizes he's way lower on the super hero totem pole than Batman. And The Flash never made a fucking appearance. Where is that slacker, anyway? Did he quit the team when Hal Jordan did? Maybe that's the "bold" in the bold new era part of the comic! A Justice League without a speedster. Although Barry really can't use his power very well anyway. I think he needs some training. Maybe Bart Allen can teach him how to use his powers correctly because Bart Allen probably learned how to utilize his powers by watching old footage of Barry Allen in action!