Red Hood and the Outlaws #17

It took seven artists and inkers to create this comic book. Does that mean it'll be a masterpiece or a trainwreck? Oh, never mind. I just remembered the one writer.

I wonder who at DC, besides Grant Morrison and Chris Burnham and their editors, knew that Damian Wayne was going to be killed in Batman Incorporated? I imagine a lot of people knew which is why I find it incredible that it took even the local comic book shops by surprise. Were the other writers of the Batfamily Books let in on the secret? Or does Grant Morrison not care what killing Damian is going to do to Peter J. Tomasi's job over on Batman and Robin? Will that comic now become Batman and Alfred? Or Batman and Titus and Alfred and Batcow and Alfred? I have to wonder if Scott Lobdell were told after reading the first scene in Red Hood and the Outlaws with Jason Todd and Damian Wayne.

Did Scott Lobdell just write a nice scene?

Even though this scene exemplifies all of the things Lobdell usually does to try to ruin his stories (heavy use of Narration Boxes, constant snarky attitudes), it works here because it's character driven. The Narration Boxes actually help move the scene forward in the way Thought Bubbles would have in the past. And Damian is a little prick who can't stand Jason Todd. Jason Todd's teasing here is more reminiscent of Nightwing, but that's a good thing. After what they just went through in Death of the Family, Jason Todd can view Damian Wayne as a younger sibling whom he cares for. The psychopath line comes out as a sweet bit of sibling teasing although Damian most likely doesn't feel that way. And knowing that what happened to Jason a few decades ago (in real time!) is about to happen to Damian makes this scene bittersweet. The only real problem with this scene is that I'm about to turn the page and no way Lobdell can keep from fucking it up!

Starfire and Speedy show up in the car Red Hood sent for them while Red Hood finishes saying goodbye to Damian. Speedy mouths off to Damian as he arrives, so you know that's going to end up in an ass kicking. And then Jason heads in to say goodbye to Nightwing and Kori says she'd rather wait outside. So close to seeing Kori and Dick together! I wonder if some other writer already has dibs on their first New 52 encounter. Since there was no previous version of Teen Titans, how did Dick and Kori first meet? How did they get involved? Why did they break-up? Why is Starfire now avoiding Dick (well, avoiding this particular dick, at least)? Why doesn't Dick come out and say something instead of just peeking at her through the window? I'm actually kind of glad none of those questions were answered here in this comic book. You know. For reasons.

Oh come on, Dick! What happened? Did she hurt your feelings by not understanding your Earth monogamy? You ask Todd not to judge you? Don't judge her!

Jason Todd leaves Nightwing feeling lonely and bitter and probably desperately wanting to have some ex-sex and heads back outside. He finds Speedy and Robin rolling around on the ground. It currently seems to be a stalemate because Damian has just had a really tough week. Plus this is the Red Hood and the Outlaws comic book, so I don't think Damian is allowed to embarrass Speedy in it.

Jason Todd masturbating his face. I guess this is going to be a series!

Next on Jason's list of goodbyes is Bruce because he's saving the best, Alfred, for last. Jason Todd thinks about how nobody wanted to speak with Batman immediately after the Joker was defeated but now, immediately after nobody wanted to speak with Bats, they're all speaking with Bats. Okay. Whatever. Here's almost a nice moment with Jason Todd and Bruce Wayne.

Why? Why can't you ever say it?!

What happened in Scott Lobdell's life that he can't have characters feel vulnerable? Why must they always push away with sassy retorts or silence? Is it just that Jason Todd is still too hurt by Batman do begin to heal their relationship? They seem to be doing okay in Batman Incorporated. It seems like they've moved past a lot of their issues and come to an understanding. So why can't Todd say thank you?

I am glad that Scott Lobdell basically allows Batman to say that the back-up story in Red Hood and the Outlaws #0 is bullshit. If Batman thinks it, it must be true.

Next Todd goes to say goodbye to Alfred who asks if "Master Todd" will be staying overnight.

Come on! It's Bruce Wayne that has trouble kidding. Alfred has the best sense of humor in the house!

Another nice moment by Lobdell if you ignore the fact that Alfred was probably close to death and the others were pretty banged up as well and everybody was supposed to be pouting about Batman lying to them. The best part of this though is Roy playing catch with Damian. Damian is a stubborn little brat that doesn't act like a kid or open up much. But who better for him to "play" with than the friend of what is ostensibly his older brother? Younger siblings always look up to the friends of their older siblings. There's no pretense or rivalry there. It's like a freebie brother without all the baggage.

As Jason Todd is leaving, he puts on his Red Hood which has been trapped by The Joker. He gets poisoned or zapped or who knows what exactly. When Batman takes the hood off, Jason's face is red and steaming green smoke. Joker rigged it with a message as well that said the trap would "start him with a clean slate." So did Jason Todd just lose his memories just as he was feeling good about leaving the Batfamily home on his own terms? I don't know because that's where the comic book ends.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #17 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic kind of treats Death of the Family as if it never happened. Nobody seems to be feeling any worse for the wear after all the shit that just went down. And the whole point of Death of the Family seemed to be everybody pulling away from Batman and beginning to not trust him quite as much. But after the end of Batman #17 where nobody wants to talk with Bats, now they've all suddenly changed their mind and are hanging out with him. Well, everybody except Batgirl. Maybe the whole point of Batman #17 was for Batman not to trust Batman? Maybe he's going to pull away from them? Well, he's probably going to pull away from all of them if Robin is really and for reals dead! So way to just invalidate the ending of Death of the Family, Lobdell!

Barring all of that! Ignoring that this doesn't make a whole lot of sense as an immediate follow-up to how things were left in Batman #17, this was a good issue! Go ahead and tell me I'm crazy or how wrong I am. But Lobdell did a good job here. Just remember that I'm grading on a curve! Compared to the other crap he's put out, this was New York Times Bestseller material.

Wonder Woman #17

Shouldn't I get a discount when Cliff Chiang doesn't do the interior art?

Last issue while Zola and Hera were visiting a bar in Manhattan, Zola ran into a God I hadn't been introduced to yet. Turns out it's Dionysus. So this bar is now stuffed full of demi-gods, gods, ex-gods, and a woman who once fucked a god and had its baby. This bar is really trying way too hard to be cool. Pretty soon they're joined by a New God, a superhero, and a man made of rock. Okay. That's it. This bar is over.

In the confusion of the gigantic BOOM of Orion's boom tube, Zola takes a knife to Ares because (thanks to Strife. I think) she believes he's planning on killing her baby.

But that doesn't work out so well for her.

Meanwhile the First Born and Cassandra get attacked by a Sea Serpent while flying in their helicopter. I should learn how to say that in sign language.

Back at the bar, War agrees to take Wonder Woman alone to Demeter's realm to find Zola's baby. Apparently only Olympians can travel to realms under the control of other Olympians without an evite.

Orion is not suffering from a lack of self-esteem.

I suppose all the Gods Wonder Woman is dealing with have various motives revolving, somewhat, around Zola's baby. Hera just wanted to kill Zola's baby out of jealousy. That led directly to her becoming mortal. Apollo simply wanted to sit on the throne of Olympus and, after hearing an oracle, he felt he needed to take Zola's baby out of the equation. Strife, being the embodiment of conflict, might have no other goal other than to create chaos. Orion is on earth to stop the "new god" that will end time, possibly Zola's baby. Wonder Woman just wants to help Zola get her baby back and stop getting dragged into the affairs of the Gods. But what do Hermes, Demeter, and Ares want? I have no idea. Maybe if I reread all 17 issues, I might glean some new information (or old information that I've forgotten). But that would take more time than I currently want to spend on it. So hopefully in the next ten pages, at least one of those three will spill their immortal beans.

While The First Born argues with Poseidon and makes sushi out of his sea serpents, Wonder Woman and Ares enter a potted Sage plant and step into Demeter's realm. It's there they meet Hermes who ambushes Ares and holds them both at sword point. I suppose the answers will have to wait.

Wonder Woman Rating: No change. This is a comic book that I'd rather forgo the normal commentary and just bullet point the things that are happening so I can keep track of them all. Maybe I'll just do that in future commentaries so I can just sit back, relax, and enjoy Wonder Woman.

Catwoman #17

As a burglar and thief, it would seem having a really identifiable getaway vehicle would not be a super smart choice.

Whenever I hit a comic book convention in the last fifteen years, I've made it a point to always buy something from the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund. It's usually a shirt but one year at the San Diego Comic-con, I purchased some watercolor color guides from House of Secrets. I'm currently wearing the shirt I purchased from the Portland Comic Con last weekend that says, "I read banned comics." Except as I sit here with Catwoman in my lap (sexy!), I realize I should fill in the "NNE" so it reads "I read Bad comics."

This issue begins with Catwoman hanging out on girders in her shit-kicking, line-dancing girl's-night-out outfit. She's watching some kids in a playground and showing her age by judging them by their rattail haircuts. I would probably judge them too but not as no-good drug dealers. I'd just think they were twenty-five years too late to the horribly bad hair party. Which means these kids are probably new members of some Rattales (a woo woo!) gang run by some middle aged guy whose life peaked spinning on a piece of linoleum in junior high. Once Catwoman sees that a drug deal is going down, she realizes she should probably change into her crime fighting jewel-stealing outfit.

Am I the only person concerned with first draft, non-edited comic book scripts?

The fact that Gotham still has phone booths to be turned into toilets I can let go. I don't know the last time I've seen a phone booth in a modern city but Gotham is a fucking wacky place where I can believe a few non-magic Dial H phone booths have been left standing. What I have a problem with is Catwoman making an allusion to Superman's strangely iconic way of changing outfits. Which is a really weird thing for Catwoman to allude to since it makes no sense. Even if Clark Kent has been finding old, decrepit phone booths to change into in Metropolis, how would Catwoman know that unless she's in on Clark's relationship to Superman? And if Catwoman's thought doesn't have anything to do with Superman and the way he changes in phone booths, it makes no fucking sense anyway because why would anybody think a phone booth was a good place to change clothes? Even when, you know, you could find a phone booth? It would make more sense to look for an actual toilet to change in.

Even with her phone booth problem, Catwoman manages to change into her catsuit before breaking up the drug deal that just went bad. She lectures the kids before she drives their faces into the playground equipment, knocking them unconscious.

Has Catwoman always sounded this old and judgmental? By the way, not a single shoe was untied in the artwork.

The guy that decided to fuck up the kids because they were on his boss's turf is named Volt. Catwoman nabs him and tries to get some information out of him. He informs her he isn't a snitch just so she doesn't think he's a snitch when he vomits up the information she needs. Meanwhile she engages with the street kids in a great example of dialogue that shows Ann Nocenti is hip to the way the kids talk.

I am so fucking sick of gangbangers telling me my moral slip and slide has been set to loosey-goosey.

Meanwhile the Gotham Police are busy investigating Catwoman's theft of dozens of gem-encrusted dildos. They're busy questioning the doorman who was bribed with a huge double-sided, diamond-encrusted phallus. The detective working the Dildo Caper is a hard-nosed female police detective named Tammy who wants to bring back the electric chair to clear out the jail cells. I guess she gets to be Catwoman's next nemesister. She's working with Detective Alvarez who's been on Catwoman's tail for a number of issues now.

That double-sided dildo sure has been toned down since it last appeared! Now it just looks like a Subway footlong.

Later that night, Catwoman steals a bunch of paintings from a museum. I think that's the load of loot she had on her when she decided to sit on a roof in the rain and reminisce about the first time she met Batman. That happened in Young Romance #1. But she becomes distracted by a less dextrous and sexy thief that decided to rob the same museum on the same night.

More evidence that 95% of all Narration Boxes aren't needed. She describes what we can see is happening in the panel. And then she tells us her solution. It's par for the course if she just happens not to get shot by someone with a gun. But I didn't realize she can actively dodge bullets?! Holy fuck! That's nubile! Wait! Let me check my dictionary. Um, just replace nubile with something else. Anything else!

Just to explain my nubile joke for everyone except the three people who were there. My cousin Jason had decided that "nubile" meant "agile" from watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I just told him he should probably invest in a dictionary. In high school, my oft-mentioned friend Soy Rakelson had decided that "decadent" meant sweet tasting because his sister described some ice cream as decadent. I'm not telling these stories because I'm immune from being the butt of anecdotes like this! I just leave those anecdotes for other people to tell! Hopefully people without as many readers as I have. You know? So like no more than five.

Catwoman takes down the fat thief and becomes best friends with him. Mostly because her fence and getaway driver didn't show. For a professional thief, Catwoman is kind of stupid. Shouldn't she have called off the job if all the pieces for a successful heist weren't in place? I guess she really does like crimes that go wrong so she can get her adrenaline fix. Since Catwoman's ride didn't show, she talks the fat guy into giving her a lift when they leave the museum.

The fat guy just has a Faggio (trademark Grand Theft Auto), so Catwoman has to walk. She ends up on a rooftop thinking about Batman while waiting for a lift. Hopefully not from Batman. Catwoman's ride didn't show because Gwen is being hassled by the cops being that her fingerprints were all over that two-pronged dildo. And the fat guy returns to his boss who is just a pair of gloved hands with a cane with a bird on top. So it's either The Penguin or The Emperor Penguin! Right? Or is there a Batman villain named The Cane?

Catwoman #17 Rating: No change. If Ann Nocenti would just drop the horrible way everything out of everyone's mouth ends up being a minor oral report, maybe this book wouldn't be fucking terrible. It would just be terrible. Then get rid of the useless Narration Boxes and the comic might improve to not-so-terrible. Lastly, get another writer on it and it might end up being good!

Supergirl #17

Why is Supergirl wearing a wig and Wonder Woman's outfit?

Seriously. That face on Wonder Woman looks just like Supergirl's face. Although the butt looks a bit bony. That butt isn't good enough to end this commentary on! So I guess that really is Wonder Woman.

Last issue, the H'el on Earth plot really didn't move forward much. It was just Supergirl battling Flash. This month, Supergirl gets to battle Wonder Woman instead of moving the H'el on Earth plot forward. I have a feeling Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell didn't want to share their H'el on Earth ideas with Mike Johnson so they just had him write issues where Supergirl punches people. That's par for the course for Supergirl anyway.

Anyway, this is how this issue begins (just like every issue of Supergirl, really!):

Wonder Woman: "Hello, Supergirl!"
Supergirl: *POW!*

Supergirl can't afford to believe it or not?

Meanwhile the entire world is falling apart while Batman, Flash, and Cyborg perform meaningless heroic tasks. I'm sure some philosophers would say that heroic actions in the face of the end of the world are the most meaningful of all. But those same philosophers would probably argue that if the victim of a rape didn't know they were raped, did a rape actually occur? So fuck those jerks! Batman might as well be masturbating out of the satellite's airlock.

While Supergirl and Wonder Woman are brawling, Superman and H'el are engaged in their own fisticuffs.

This shot is for the ladies and/or the homosexuals and/or people who enjoy sexualized violence.

H'el punches Superman into space because H'el has levels of power never before seen in a comic book. He could have just teleported Superman into space if he'd wanted. Or teleported space into Superman. Or unraveled Superman's DNA. But he chose to simply punch him because that's the theme of Supergirl. Punching equals solutions.

Since this is mostly about fighting fucking and stalling for Superman #17 to come out in March, let's just enjoy some battle sex images.

Whoa! Nobody has ever made Supergirl's vagina go "FWABOOOM" before! Usually it's just a mild FWAAASH! Even Supergirl's Kryptonian Sun Vibrators didn't get this kind of reaction.

But even a gigantic orgasm can't defeat Wonder Woman. She's back on her feet in no time and smashing Supergirl into the ground. But what else could be expected? Supergirl is simply a girl. Wonder Woman is all woman.

Still a little wobbly from her big O.

Kara finally stops throwing punches and looks up to see the sun expanding and sending flares out all over the place. What Superman couldn't do with words and Superboy couldn't do with force and The Flash couldn't do with speed, Wonder Woman does with love. She convinces Kara that H'el is a fucking manipulative bullshit bastard. In other words, he's just another man.

You tell him, girlfriend! Don't listen to his bullshit no more!

That bastard H'el finally ends the relationship with an ultimatum. Now that Supergirl knows the truth, she must pick between Earth and Krypton. Although I'm pretty sure she's finally decided to side with Earth. Which leaves just one more issue of H'el on Earth before Superman saves Krypton! Or something equally stupid spectacular!

Except Superman #17 didn't come out the next week! It's late! It won't be out until MARCH! You know, the only reason I figure DC keeps Scott Lobdell around is because he makes his deadlines. And yet here he is, the first writer of The New 52 to miss a deadline! Fire his ass!

Supergirl #17 Rating: No change. Just be lucky I don't drop your cute sorry ass one rank, Supergirl, for participating in this stupid crossover!

Sword of Sorcery #5

Worst assassins ever. "There's our quarry! Be sure she sees us and has time to draw her weapon. We wouldn't want to murder her by silent or secret attack often for political reasons!"

Amethyst begins with Amy returning to Gemworld and telling her mother how she touched Timothy Hunter and "woke up his power." She and her mother must have a fairly close relationship to discuss things like this. I would feel kind of weirded out telling my mom how I touched some guy. Although I have no problem telling the entire internet how some guy touched me! The Ken part of Me and Ken is Doom Bunny, for those people keeping score. The me part is me.

She just told you she was off touching boys and you freak out about the pizza?!

Amethyst accidentally transfers the power of the Portal Crystal into the amethysts she wears on her person so she can travel between Gemworld and Earth more easily. When this happens, some bigot of House Citrine starts whining about how Turquoises and Amethysts shouldn't interbreed. Next she'll probably start pointing out how the members of House Onyx can't swim but are super good at assassinating. And how the members of House Diamond can't dance and love to stab siblings in the back. That bitch is racist. Or am I racist for coming up with all the racist stuff I imagine she believes?

No, no. She's racist. You can see it in the way Aaron Lopresti drew her racist eyes.

Is it racist to point out that everyone in House Citrine is racist?

Amethyst and her mom take a road trip to visit the tomb of Amethyst's father in the Land of Turquoise. While on the road, Amethyst learns how her father researched how to open up a portal to Earth so that his family could hide there from Amethyst's Aunt Mordiel, if it came to that. During the story, Amethyst incidentally learns a little about Eclipso's history.

So the Black Diamond was brought to earth from Hell by Exoristo. Then somewhere along the way, it passed on into Gemworld (perhaps it was even instrumental in creating Gemworld?). And then Eclipso caused a bunch of fucking trouble and was kicked out and sent back to earth.

At her dad's tomb, Amethyst learns a little more. Like how her grandfather betrayed her mother and father resulting in her father, Vyrian, having to give up his own life to open the portal to earth to save his family. So Amethyst's aunt and grandfather are both assholes, although her grandfather seems remorseful. But it's easy to act guilty and remorseful after you've gotten all of your power back from your stupid dead son. She also learns that a couple of assassins are lying in wait to kill her mother.

In Dungeons and Dragons, two high level assassins can usually defeat a Level One teenaged girl.

Amethyst uses her Firestarter powers to kill one of the assassins. Except she doesn't create fire with her mind. She creates pointy gems and flings them through the air. She's not pyrokinetic; she's kosmimakinetic. Or something. I never claimed to be a linguist! I'm fairly decent at bullshitting though. It's very similar.

Amethyst kills the second assassin in the more conventional blade through the sternum way. She's become a pretty good survivor even though she isn't enjoying the killing. Probably because there isn't any loot to be had after the battle. The loot is always the best part and the main reason for killing! Killing for self-defense is boring.

After the battle, Lady Akikra of House Onyx shows up with some sketchy story about how she was there to make sure her "rogue assassins" failed. That must be why they were so awful at assassinating! They put all of their experience and skill points into thieving! Dumb dumbs! Lady Akikra gives Amethyst a Healing Ruby to help her mother and kills Amethyst's grandfather as an extra special bonus present. Gee, thanks!

No heir? Amethyst is sitting right there! Total heir-head! If Amethyst didn't suddenly fill up with Turquoise Power, that means her grandfather or her dad had a little bastard on the side somewhere before she was born. Otherwise she was next in line for the power.

Oh! And in the last two pages, we get to meet this bastard. He's a thief goes by the name of Preet. But the best part is he has a pet cat named Fuzzybutt! I sense a new favorite character coming on!

No, not fucking Preet. The kitty cat!

I can't believe this title is on the chopping block. I bet Didio hates it because it takes place on a world separate from earth and then hampers his ability to "world-build". It's building its own world with solid characters and an interesting history. And I like Amethyst! But I guess if it's sales aren't as good as Superboy's sales, I can only blame other comic book readers for supporting shit while despising fun. "Hey, Mr. Comic Book Store Owner! Can you put Shit, Crap, Vomit, and Excrement on my monthly pull list! Yeah, a little of Lobdell's and a pile of DeFalco's. Oh! And Ann Nocenti's pussy discharge." Pussy as in that yellow stuff that comes out of festering wounds, you misogynist gun jumpers!

Next up is Stalker! I claimed last issue that Stalker killed all across time for fun and has only recently met up with Lucifer, the person that owns his soul. But it sounds more like Stalker was doing all of the killing across time for Lucifer. And the story focuses on this killing because it could possibly be Stalker's final job for the devil. He has to find a woman name Clarissa Rowe that has something of Lucifer's. I don't know if Stalker is supposed to kill her or not. I also don't know if I should recognize that name.

Stalker finds her pregnant ass pretty quickly because this is only the back-up story. It doesn't have time to fuck around being that it only has eight pages.

As I mentioned last issue: this story would deal with his long lost family.

Even though letting Lucifer have Stalker's great-great-great-nearly-ad-infinitum-grandson would mean Stalker would get his soul back, Stalker decides to fight Lucifer by casting Rune Spell in Rune Speak (Rune Speak is, apparently, the proper name for DC's Alien Language which was last called (in Swamp Thing) "Old Portugese" [sic]). He escapes with his progeny and heads back to his shit-hole apartment.

Apparently the Ninja Turtles own their own pizza place now.

Stalker begins to help Clarissa deliver her baby when the devil and his host of demons appears for the big showdown. Which will happen next issue. And which I don't really care that much about. I'm not a fan of Stalker. He's like Phantom Stranger Lite.

Sword of Sorcery #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm enjoying Amethyst in Gemworld more and more. And since I'm now reminded of it, I'll watch the DC Nation Amethyst cartoons!

The first one introduces us to Amy and her new problem. So cute. Love the Sailor Moon transformation.

The second part teaches us of her quest! And her ability to think under spiders!

The third part is just fucking adorable.

The fourth part should end, "I'm proud to be a Skeleton-Gemworldian!"

The fifth part ends on a cliffhanger that I can't unhang from because I guess the next part hasn't aired yet?! Dammit! I watched them too soon!

Batman Incorporated #8

Spoiler! Robin. Is. Pregnant.

I'm glad the cover has this big spoiler on the front because comic book nerds are the worst at dropping spoilers (just look at my blog!). Standing at the counter in the comic book store waiting to get my comics from my pull box and they're all chattering to the owner about getting in more copies of this comic book. Luckily I have a way to tune out people talking about comic books, especially since the co-owner of the shop has a way of spoiling any comic book you look at. If you ask her for advice on a good comic to read, you won't have to read that comic because she'll tell you all the pertinent plot points right there and then. While nobody outright spoiled the comic for me (and I still don't know if this cover is telling me the truth), the fact that the shop was sold out and everybody was looking for this book has me suspicious that Morrison might actually pull the trigger on poor Damian. That would leave a pretty huge hole in the cover of the monthly Batman and Robin comic book though! Perhaps we'll find out that Batman Incorporated was taking place on an alternate Earth! Or more probably, Talia will just toss the little prick into a Lazarus Pit.

I'm reading this comic book ahead of schedule because I'm sure Tumblr will be full of scans of the thing soon. And if not soon then immediately because you're reading this which means my scans of Robin's death are now online! Oops! I spoiled myself!

If Robin does die, what's going to become of Batcow?

Batman Incorporated begins with Robin donning his Super Boy Wonder Suit and flying into Gotham to rescue everybody. He gasses the evil kids and saves Dick. Then he flies on to free Batman from the safe at the bottom of the pool because who fucking cares about Tim Drake and Jason Todd? It's not like they have anywhere interesting to be if they die. And by "interesting" I mean "worth reading."

Except I guess Damian trusts Batman's ability to escape the safe even though he's no Calvin Rose because Damian flies right by and crashes through a lobby window of Wayne Tower to save Tim Drake.

And Dick crashes through a different lobby window to save Damian! The richest people in Gotham must be in the repairing walls and fixing windows business. Right after the setting bones, fixing teeth, and digging graves career paths.

And once Dick and Damian find a bit of cover, they remind me that I should probably pick up some Preboot collections highlighting Dick as Batman.

Dick and Alfred are going to feel so guilty for allowing Damian to partake of this adventure.

A lot of ass kicking happens in the next few panels and then Talia's Batthing comes down the elevator to put a stop to all of this sudden heroic nonsense. It tosses Nightwing aside so that it can go toe to toe with the real threat in the room: Robin the Boy Wonder. I wish I could go back in time and read that sentence to my fifteen year old self. He sure would get a laugh out of that statement. And then he'd tell me to get the fuck out and there's no way I was from the future if I thought Robin could ever be a bad ass killer. And I'd say, "No no! I really am you from the future!" And he'd sneer, "Prove it!" And I'd say, "Remember that time in 9th grade when we were in the library passing notes back and forth to our huge crush, Marilyn Mendoza, and she passed one to us that said, 'You're weird.' And we passed one back that said something that I can't fucking remember but then she passed the note back that said, "I love you anyways.' And then we totally chickened the shit right out and stopped passing notes and nearly died and fucked up our chances with her?" And he'd start crying because that happened just the year before and the pain was still too much to take. And I'd be, "Um, yeah, well, I'd better be going now."

This guy already killed Knight. Will Batthing score a second kill of the night?

While Robin and Batthing battle, Ellie (whoever she is!) gets away with the World Meta Bomb (whatever that is!). Batman escapes from his underwater safe during the fight. And then the fight is over.

I don't know if Batthing gets this kill or not. Robin could have been mortally wounded by any number of arrows or bullets he was hit with by Talia's other thugs.

Well, it looks like it's Lazarus Pit time! Since Robin was biologically engineered to be Ra's al Ghul's new body, he should be a perfect match for Lazarus Pit resurrection. Although that's fucking Jason Todd's story. I guess there's always Amanda Waller's Samsara Project. Or whatever resurrection techniques Regulus and Basilisk have figured out. And you can't forget DC is full of magic types! Also, you simply can't count this kid down yet! He's a tough little bastard and I haven't turned the page to see if he gets decapitated or anything. Alfred still might be able to heal him by brewing an extra strong pot of tea.

Well, at least he's not pregnant.

Batman Incorporated #8 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm telling you all: Grant Morrison plays by a different set of rules than all the other writers at DC. This (or something similar) is how Death of the Family should have ended! All the hoopla over that crossover and DC doesn't give the green light on killing someone. But over here in Batman Incorporated, Grant Morrison stealthily kills yet another Robin. Unless I'm wrong about the stealthily. Although I imagine this would have been spoiled for me a lot sooner than looking at the cover if it had been more widely known. I did notice that the cover on DC's website for the comics out this week was a different cover than this big old RIP thing.

DC Universe Presents #17: Speedy

Since Scott Lobdell won't be writing this whole thing from Arsenal's point of view, I might actually enjoy it. Man. The next time Lobdell does a Red Hood and the Outlaws book narrated by Speedy, I'm not going to read any of the boxes. I'm just going to get the neighbor boy to fill them all in with a marker before I read the comic book.

The issue begins with Joe Keatinge trying to mimic Lobdell's take on Jason Todd and Starfire. Except he's awful at it. Because this first page was decent! At least when Adrian Nathan Edmondson was writing Grifter he captured Brandon Choi's flare for writing the shittiest shit he could possibly come up with.

This page also stars Bolt! I don't know who the other guy is. Probably someone whose name goes with Bolt somehow. Nut?

But Keatinge nails Roy Harper's Narration Boxes! I wonder if the neighbor would mind me knocking on the door at 3:45 AM to see if little Alex is awake to color in my comic book? I guess I should read all of the boxes to see if they improve. I can't fault Joe Keatinge's (is it pronounced KEY-TINGE? or KEY-TEEN?!) choice to write Roy Harper the only way he's been portrayed so far in The New 52. In much the same way Nathan Edmondson continued making Grifter spout profound nonsense in the vein of Brandon Choi, Joe Keatinge makes every Narration Box of Arsenal's feel like electrodes on my brain.

Although they do quickly begin to get better! Maybe these first few were an homage to Scott Lobdell's penchant for inducing migraines in his readership.

I'm tempted to ask, "Who thinks like this?" but fuck it if my own thought processes don't come perilously close to this garbage. Maybe that's why I hate it so much! I hate my stupid brain. Which means my brain hates itself! It's a self-loathing organ.

His Narration Boxes don't actually get much better. Tolerable, maybe? No, not even tolerable. Simply annoying. But they don't add anything to the story. So they really might as well have been left out. Or marked over! Stupid sleeping neighbor kid.

Arsenal has been captured by some guys known as the Triad. I think the Triad is actually a conglomerate of Hong Kong gangs. They're a bit pissed off about what Red Hood and the Outlaws did to Suzie Su. Jason Todd killed a lot of Hong Kong gang members so maybe The Triad is simply one of the gangs and maybe Suzie Su led them. Whatever the case, Roy Harper is going to be killed out of revenge for Suzie Su's murder.

As noted on the cover, Killer Croc is also here and he's with the Triad. Although apparently against his will.

Does this mean Killer Croc survives getting all of his Hydra heads chopped off by Wonder Woman over in Batwoman?

Killer Croc is actually Roy's reason for being in Hong Kong. Since Killer Croc helped Roy get into AA (or NA, I guess) to kick his heroin addiction, Roy decided to help Killer Croc when Roy heard he was being held against his will in Hong Kong. I guess Roy didn't mind Medusa using Croc since sponsoring a guy for AA isn't the kind of favor you pay back by battling Medusa and a bunch of Urban Legends. But traveling to Hong Kong to shoot some arrows into street gangs? No problem!

Did you know Arsenal's name is Arsenal because he can use anything as a weapon? I didn't know that! Maybe that's because I always refer to this jerk as Speedy. And that nickname didn't fucking mean anything so I figured Arsenal didn't really mean anything. Unless this is a new twist on the New 52 Arsenal since there have been 17 issues of Red Hood and the Outlaws and I don't think this ever came up. He just shoots his arrows and smarts off. And when I say "smarts off", I don't mean to imply that anything that comes out of his mouth is the least bit smart or witty. He's just one of those assholes that loves the sound of his own voice and believes if something is coming out of his mouth, it's funny. Except everybody else either gives a polite and awkward golf laugh or just rolls their eyes and pretends they were busy doing something other than listening to him.

Here are some of the things he says up to and during his escape:

Speedy: "Sucks to be me."
Speedy: "Holy crap, dude! You learned Chinese?!"
Speedy: "Do you guys offer some sort of special Triad Chinese Tutor?"
Speedy: "Word was you started holding international criminals against their will, but no one mentioned the educational component."
Speedy: "What's your health care plan like?"
Speedy: "A whole 'skyscraper's worth'? Really? Oh, wow. That's a lot of new faces."
Speedy: "Seeeee yoooooou soooooon...!"
Speedy: "And knock it off with the guns! They're so lame!"
Speedy: "Murdering's for wimps."

Speedy says the murdering is for wimps line after he impales this man like so:

See? All the way in!

with this screwdriver:

Yeah. I'm pretty sure he just pierced that asshole's heart.

Speedy finally "disables" a skyscraper's worth of henchmen and arrives at the Boss Room. Inside is the leader of the Triad and the thing Speedy thought was Killer Croc. It's not. It's some Chinese Dragon version of him. Speedy has simply wasted his time. And mine! Thanks a lot, DC, for blowing another issue of DC Universe Presents on a character from one of the shittiest comics of the New 52.

You know what? Speedy mentioned the "murdering is for wimps" thing a few pages ago. Does that mean he's against killing and guns in Red Hood and the Outlaws? So he's against Jason Todd's entire method of fighting crime and yet he backs him up? What the fuck is the difference, Roy Harper? You might as well be killing people too (and he may have in Red Hood but I don't specifically remember him killing anyone, so I'm going to assume he hasn't because this comic book shows he thinks murdering is for wimps).

So we come to the part where Roy Harper fights Chinese Killer Dragon.

This panel may be a joke but it exemplifies everything I hate about Narration Boxing. Obviously the Narration Box isn't needed here. That's maybe the intended joke. Or the intended joke is that when a character is being punched in the face, "Oof" is definitely all they should be thinking about. They shouldn't be going over shopping lists or thinking about how Chinese Killer Dragon was a little off-balance when throwing that punch. Whatever this panel actually intends, it's really quite the argument for why Narration Boxes suck. It's also totally meta!

Joe Keatinge obviously didn't mean for that last panel to be commentary on how stupid it is to have characters thinking complex and smart ass thoughts while getting pummeled in the face repeatedly because that is exactly what Roy goes on to do in the subsequent panels. It does show that if I'd had the neighbor boy mark out all the boxes, I wouldn't be fucking missing a thing.

Here's what goes through Speedy's mind as Chinese Killer Dragon punches him bloody and throws him through a window!

Speedy: "This certainly stopped going well."
Speedy: "I'm pretty sure this window had bulletproof glass."
Speedy: "It sure felt like bulletproof glass."
Speedy: "All of my insides are in all kinds of pain."
Speedy: "But let's give a round of applause to balconies, am I right?"
Speedy: "Sure beats falling to my death."
Speedy: "My squishy, squishy death."

Roy manages to destroy the inhibiting collar on Chinese Killer Dragon and gains an ally.

Speedy decides to go all Wolverine on his adversaries.

After the fight, Wolverine discovers that the Chinese Killer Dragon is named Fin Fang Foom or something. When did I start reading Marvel Comics?

Roy makes friends with Fangfengfoom and leaves him with some words of wisdom that could have been uttered by Christ himself.

"Do better, douchebags. Do better."

DC Universe Presents #17: Speedy Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm simply giving this comic book a negative ranking because I can't stand Arsenal and his Narration Boxes. I have a feeling the comic would be better without the Narration Boxes. Just a second.

Yep! I just read it without the boxes and it was much improved. They added nothing to the comic book! These things are like training wheels. If a writer relies on them too much, that writer will never be able to get on without them. I think they can be used adequately if used sparingly. But mostly it just seems like the writer thinks they need to be shoving words in panels that don't need words. It's a lack of confidence as much as it is lazy writing. Maybe if characters said really interesting things in their Narration Boxes, I wouldn't mind so much. I generally didn't mind it when Shade thought stuff in that way. Whatever. No use continuing to complain (although I will!). I guess I'm stuck with them!