Teen Titans #13

Did Manchester Black get a new chest tattoo?

I should probably provide a recap for every comic book series whenever they hit a year. Taking a look back at where things began and how they've progressed, discussing how the characters have changed over that time and what they've learned...wouldn't that be interesting? Probably. But that's something to do by somebody who takes comic books and their stories seriously. And it definitely isn't something to be done with this comic book because it's a fucking mess. The team became heroes of New York. Then they got in bed with Manchester Black. Then Superboy killed a bunch of Muslim Durlans. Then Red Robin decided to flip the bird at the American justice system because he believed Superboy didn't murder anybody and if he believed it, it must be true. So fuck letting Superboy go on trial! But then a bunch of Titans that didn't want to be Titans and decided to be Elites decided to fight with the Titans. Most of that was Superboy's fault because eventually he reveals that he did murder the aliens and that Red Robin probably should have let justice take its course. So then, of course, Harvest reappears and takes Superboy away. Red Robin and the others express a bunch of lies so that stupid readers who hate remembering the past could feel like last issue was an emotional triumph that left them feeling all of the feelings. And now that Superboy is gone, the comic book can get back to Manchester Black trying to control the Titans and the Elites for his own nefarious purposes.

I suppose I could have just said, "This comic book has lacked any direction and has no fucking clue what the hell it wants to say about these characters." Or I could have just typed out a line of Shit Emojis. It's all the same.

This issue begins in the middle of the prison break that was ignored last issue. Hopefully the Teen Titans will spend the next six issues on trial for breaking into a prison. Then the next seventy two issues will be the Teen Titans in prison.

Manchester Black brought the Elite to the prison to do something. It's all part of his plan.

I don't think Manchester Black remembers that he had a plan which sent Red Robin to this prison.

Power Girl begins to doubt Manchester Black. But didn't she just join Manchester Black because she doubted Red Robin? Is she just going to flip back over to the Teen Titans now? What was the fucking point?! I suppose the entire team is going to be back together again by the end of this story and Manchester Black is going to be out on his rear. And I suppose Manchester Black will say something nefarious like, "I knew turning them against each other only to get them to trust each other again would strengthen their bond. Now they will be a team like no other!" Then he'll smoke a cigarette and bury the prostitute he just murdered in Powers' backyard.

In the Chamber of Harvest (which is located in that mysterious place that exists for the sake of telling horrible stories), Wonder Girl points out that Kon was Tim's friend. No. No he wasn't. Not at all. Ever. Kon may have been Bunker's friend. But not Tim's. He didn't even know Tim's name! None of the Titans knew Tim's name until this series began and suddenly they all knew it. Bart is all, "We're trapped and it's all Red Robin's fault and everything is awful!" But Wonder Girl is all, "Tim will find us a way out! He was trained by Batman so he'll beat something into submission which should get us all out of here!"

No, he did not. Pardon me, Wonder Girl, but didn't you just praise his ability to get them out? So why are you trying to get him to slow it the fuck down?

I can't fault Pfeifer for not knowing that Kon wasn't Tim's best friend. That would mean Will would have had to read Lobdell's run of the Teen Titans and I wouldn't expect anybody to suffer through that. And Eddie Berganza was probably too busy building an office groping machine to explain the previous series to him.

Red Robin points out that what separates the Titans from the other super hero groups is that the Titans never give up. You know, unlike the Justice League who are constantly throwing their hands up in the air and saying, "Well! We tried!" Tim gives a speech about how the Teen Titans will save the day (a day which needs saving primarily because of the Teen Titans breaking into jail and starting a riot) and gain the respect of the world! Hey, guess what? You fucking had the respect of the world after the first story arc of this comic book! Remember how all of New York cheered you for saving the city? Does anybody remember that? No? Nobody? I seem to remember praising that aspect of the comic book because the Teen Titans should be a group that cares about saving the city where they live and the people of New York should know and love them for it instead of being frightened by them. But then Superboy was all, "Whoops! I kilted some Musliens! Did I do the bad stuff again?!"

I hate New 52 Superboy. He ruins everything. Did you know he's a living weapon?

Back in the prison, Doctor Psycho is defeating everybody with his mind powers because he wants to slip into Raven's mind without consent.

Why is Doctor Psycho suddenly the big culprit in the prison? Did Despero only sign on for a single page appearance?

Maybe Doctor Psycho is back because he was one of Superboy's foes! I think. Does anybody remember The New 52 Superboy comic book? All I can remember is that his name was Superboy and he was a living weapon created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E.

Raven defeats Doctor Psycho in Azareth or wherever the corpse of her father lies rotting away. It's probably not really Trigon though. I think Doctor Psycho just wound up in the part of Raven's brain that houses her Daddy Issues. Everybody in DC Comics has Daddy Issues but I don't think any of them are as hilariously monstrous as Raven's. Her Daddy Issues are so big that they launched two Teen Titans series in the Eighties and made the Teen Titans fan favorites even over the X-men! At least for a little while.

Tim, Cassie, and Bart manage to teleport back into the MAW because Tim is a genius at hacking computers. They arrive in the prison to find that the riot and everything that happened after they broke in was an illusion created by Doctor Psycho. Except there are still a few loose ends that the Doctor Psycho Retcon can't tie up.

Well, that's a surefire way for the Titans to earn the respect of the world! Continue to break into the prison and steal the guns from all the guards simply because the number one rule of being a Titan is "I've got your back no matter how many laws you're thinking of breaking and no matter how many Musliens you've murdered."

Now, I don't agree with the prison guards opening fire on Red Robin. Although I'm sure they've got rubber bullets in their weapons to simply suppress any riots. And maybe Red Robin could even do with some consequences for his actions, you know (especially the action where the Teen Titans break into a prison to speak with Despero instead of trying to figure out another way. Like maybe having Raven teleport Red Robin directly to Despero? Or maybe calling up Martian Manhunter to help and bribing him with a plastic container of Costco's multi-pack of cookies?)?

Down in Sublevel Triple Z (that's pretty far down! I wonder if the levels go A through Z and then AA through ZZ and then AAA through ZZZ or if they just go A through Z and then ZZ and then ZZZ?!), Manchester Black runs into Despero who is obviously Chimera because Tim just called out her name and she's been missing and Despero is suspiciously out of his cell. I suppose this is the big trick where Manchester Black finally fucks up his overly complicated plan and tells the fake Despero the entire plan which will ruin his chances of accomplishing whatever the fuck he was trying to accomplish. Apparently it was to work with the Titans, steal some of their members, then finally destroy the Titans. And his motivation was fuck you. What do you think this is? Literature? If it's motivation you want the you should probably stop reading shitty comic books!

I failed Karate because my go-to stance was the same as Power Girl's in the middle panel.

Power Girl discovers she can grow so I guess she's Elasti-Power-Girl now. She beats Manchester Black against every inch of prison wall before Red Robin convinces her that maybe she shouldn't be doing that. Since, you know, Titans don't kill. Apparently that's their only rule though. Titans don't kill but they do break into prisons, help wanted fugitives, and destroy property as often as possible all while backing each other up no matter how wrong they are as long as one of them thinks that they're right. Go Titans!

The issue ends with Alpha Centurion arriving on the scene to speak what in an accent that is definitely not Roman because he's an idiot and probably a fraud to boot. He defeats all of the Titans in one panel per Titan because the comic book only had two pages left. That's not enough time to write a coherent fight with a group this big so it's easier to just have them lose. Also there's nothing at stake here because the Alpha Centurion is another hero. Instead of killing them all because they obviously are horrible at superheroing, he arrests them all. Good. Fuckers need to sit in jail for awhile and think about all the asshole bullshit trouble they've caused.

Teen Titans #13 Rating: No change. This comic book is a complete mess. It's the kind of comic book that probably works better if you're somebody who just picked up one issue without having read any of the others. Then you don't have to be baffled by all of the contortions of the plot. The Titans are a team and loved! No wait! They've broken up and now half of them are wanted by the police and on the run! And the others want to kick their asses even thought they're all apparently the very best of friends forever! Manchester Black is siding with the Titans and then he leaves them to side with the Elite and then he wants to capture the Titans which the Elite are behind but then the Elite decide maybe Black wants to do more than catch the Titans and so they betray him and now everybody is a Titan again and how about we just start over and forget about this whole Manchester Black nonsense? At least the Titans are going to fucking jail where they belong, the lawbreaking bastards.

Teen Titans #11

Get it? Teenagers are constantly having breakouts! Hilarious!

Why is Red Robin throwing a Batarang on the cover? Doesn't he use Robin-Discs or something now? If I were Batman, I would have petulantly taken away all of Tim's Bat-themed items when Tim decided to go out on his own. Then I probably would have had to fire Alfred after he made a joke about "robin leaving the nest." Right after I got done crying, of course.

Red Robin is currently still refusing to allow the law to question Superboy in the deaths of a bunch of Muslims who were actually Durlans. It's not like the justice system has already condemned Superboy to death and Red Robin is buying time to prove that Superboy is innocent. No, Red Robin is simply showing his ass to the American justice system and telling them he knows the truth and how dare they investigate the crime themselves. And yet, Red Robin doesn't know the truth at all. Red Robin is simply trusting his instincts that a teammate wouldn't turn out to be a mass murderer. Red Robin could very well be harboring a murderer. So far, this story isn't making me like anybody in the Titans or the Elite. They're all just a bunch of aggressive, arrogant assholes.

"Accent" on former? I don't know. I would have gone with the tried-and-true "emphasis." If it's meant to be a joke, it fails because it just comes off as awkward usage within a Narration Box which isn't really supposed to have any personality of its own. It's just meant to convey information. It's not as if Will Pfeifer has developed an alternate persona who constantly disregards the proper use of words for his own ends which would allow him to get away with choosing "accent" over "emphasis."

The news in Chicago is already blaming the Teen Titans for the destruction of one deck by a fancy pool, the explosion of a penthouse apartment, the near collapse of a bridge, and hundreds of injuries on a train stopped short by Superboy. I'd say the news finally got something right! Blame those fuckers! Blame the fuck out of them!

Red Robin and Raven confronted Manchester Black at the end of last issue. But after Raven fell unconscious trying to read Manchester's mind, Red Robin was trapped in Black's apartment with The Elite arriving by non-Indigo Lantern teleportation. Manchester points out that Tim has no way out and then Tim jumps through the window holding Raven and flies away on his Inertrite wings. Then the smartest guy in the room, Manchester Black, says, "Oh right. He can fly." I suppose that falls under the category of "too smart for his own good"? Is that what I'm supposed to believe? That the guy who has become the next Harvest, a guy whose plans never fail due to random chance, couldn't remember that Red Robin can fly? Letting him escape must be part of the plan! You see, Manchester Black couldn't remember Red Robin could fly but he does know exactly where Tim Drake is going! He's so smart! Sometimes.

Stop it, Tim. Just stop acting like a teenager who thinks he's always right when he simply doesn't have enough life experience to truly see how wrong he is. You were harboring a felon. Now you're going to break someone out of prison who can exonerate your friend. Who's going to fucking care at that point? Go through the fucking legal system. Let them question Superboy. Get a lawyer to get a statement from the person in prison. Stop willingly becoming outlaws and Red Hoods. And if the legal way doesn't work, call Batman to fix it all.

Red Robin brought the Titans together to help kids with super powers cope. Or something. Maybe he was bringing them together to save the other kids from NOWHERE. I think he knew all that shit that Harvest was up to when the series began because, you know, he is Harvest! So at least Red Robin fighting for his friends isn't really anything new. It's not like the Wolfman series where they were supposed to be heroes but simply got hung up on their own problems on a constant basis. But helping Superboy run from the law seems a bit...I don't know...ass backwards?

This would be an acceptable speech to rally the Teen Titans under different circumstances. Like maybe if Tim had actual proof of Kon's innocence. Or if he knew the government was trying to frame Kon. Or if, you know, actual bad guys were threatening the team as opposed to Robin just trying to get the Titans to break more laws.

Tim is all, "So, if you don't want to break any more laws with me while helping Superboy run from the law when he may very well have murdered twenty Muslims, I'll understand if you stay out of this one." Of course they choose to wade deeper into blood. That's a reference to Shakespeare! Kind of.

Chimera is not a Titan. Nor is she a friend. She's a shapechanger they just met and whom they hardly know! Hell, she could have done the murders while looking like Superboy! Get her!

I guess Raven had recovered enough in the last two days to explain how to save Superboy from what she learned while in Manchester Black's mind. But she's still recovering so she won't be able to help with the prison break. That's too bad and kind of convenient because the team could really use a teleport spell in this situation.

The Titans need to break out Despero to save Superboy. I don't think Despero would do well on the witness stand. If I were Red Robin, I'd think up a Plan B after discovering it was Despero who they needed to break out of prison. Also, I would have gathered that information from Raven before sending Beast Boy in to hack the security system. But then, I'm not smart enough to just fly by the seat of my plot contrivances.

I guess Raven did recover enough to teleport the Titans into a utility closet in the prison. But since she's still laid out, she and Bunker have to remain behind counting mops while Red Robin and Chimera search the prison for Despero. But first, they release all of the prisoners from their cells because putting the guards' lives in danger is totally acceptable. Kon's in danger! And he's a Titan! And they're all friends! The guards? Who are they?! Maybe they should have thought about the possibility of dying in a prison riot before accepting the job. This is totally on them and their poor life decisions. It's not Tim Drake's fault if any of them get hurt at all! And I totally believe Tim believes that because he was trained by the best when it comes to denying responsibility for injury and death: The Batman!

Meanwhile in Manchester Black's apartment, Manchester Black already knows what's going on because it's all part of his plan.

In prison, Blockbuster attacks Red Robin instead of the guards! But that probably wasn't part of the plan! I guess Tim Drake gets better at overly complex plans when he puts on the Harvest costume.

Blockbuster, that's not where the boob window goes! Silly.

Red Robin points out, after Blockbuster is down, that all the cell doors were not supposed to open. He had a code that was only to be used on any individual door he chose. So I guess he's not responsible for all the dead guards then! It must have been part of Manchester Black's plan since he knew what Raven read in his mind so he knew where Tim and his team were going to go. But the bigger question should be why did Manchester Black know anything about Despero being able to help Superboy, right? Again, I think Red Robin is going about this all wrong.

"Stop it! Stop caring about other people! Remember your speech?! We fight for the Titans! We fight for our friends! We fight for each other! Are the guards our friends? Are they Titans? No. Let them die."

Now that Chimera stopped Red Robin from almost acting heroically, they are free to find Despero without any distractions. Superboy also decides to join them because he suddenly knows all about this prison escape for some reason. I'm sure it'll make sense if it's ever explained. And even if it isn't explained, fans of the book will do the heavy lifting on Pfeifer's writing and fill in the blanks for him so asshole haters like me can be put in their places for pointing out how fucking stupid this entire comic book is.

Teen Titans #11 Rating: -1 Ranking. Please, DC. Kill Superboy. Get him the fuck out of your Youniverse until you can figure out how to fix him. First off, I'd stop making him some disaffected teenager who's constantly in trouble through no apparent fault of his own. The only fans who like him are the fans who want to fuck him or the fans who believe everybody is out to get them in their lives as well. Being wanted by the law and being hated by normal people does not make him interesting. He's not elevating this comic book into a story worth reading. Not that it was worth reading before he appeared. I don't care enough about the Teen Titans as characters to feel for any of their struggles. Just because these versions of the Titans existed for two and a half years doesn't mean that anybody has bonded with them enough that they care about their conflict with Manchester Black (who is just Harvest-lite anyway). Nobody wanted these Titans to be tied to Lobdell's Titans anyway! I'm usually not one to call for trashing continuity and doing full blown retcons of established characters but something needs to change if the Titans are ever again going to be likeable (although, were they ever really likeable in comic book form?!). Just start over because all of these characters can eat my poo.

DC Universe Presents #17: Speedy

Since Scott Lobdell won't be writing this whole thing from Arsenal's point of view, I might actually enjoy it. Man. The next time Lobdell does a Red Hood and the Outlaws book narrated by Speedy, I'm not going to read any of the boxes. I'm just going to get the neighbor boy to fill them all in with a marker before I read the comic book.

The issue begins with Joe Keatinge trying to mimic Lobdell's take on Jason Todd and Starfire. Except he's awful at it. Because this first page was decent! At least when Adrian Nathan Edmondson was writing Grifter he captured Brandon Choi's flare for writing the shittiest shit he could possibly come up with.

This page also stars Bolt! I don't know who the other guy is. Probably someone whose name goes with Bolt somehow. Nut?

But Keatinge nails Roy Harper's Narration Boxes! I wonder if the neighbor would mind me knocking on the door at 3:45 AM to see if little Alex is awake to color in my comic book? I guess I should read all of the boxes to see if they improve. I can't fault Joe Keatinge's (is it pronounced KEY-TINGE? or KEY-TEEN?!) choice to write Roy Harper the only way he's been portrayed so far in The New 52. In much the same way Nathan Edmondson continued making Grifter spout profound nonsense in the vein of Brandon Choi, Joe Keatinge makes every Narration Box of Arsenal's feel like electrodes on my brain.

Although they do quickly begin to get better! Maybe these first few were an homage to Scott Lobdell's penchant for inducing migraines in his readership.

I'm tempted to ask, "Who thinks like this?" but fuck it if my own thought processes don't come perilously close to this garbage. Maybe that's why I hate it so much! I hate my stupid brain. Which means my brain hates itself! It's a self-loathing organ.

His Narration Boxes don't actually get much better. Tolerable, maybe? No, not even tolerable. Simply annoying. But they don't add anything to the story. So they really might as well have been left out. Or marked over! Stupid sleeping neighbor kid.

Arsenal has been captured by some guys known as the Triad. I think the Triad is actually a conglomerate of Hong Kong gangs. They're a bit pissed off about what Red Hood and the Outlaws did to Suzie Su. Jason Todd killed a lot of Hong Kong gang members so maybe The Triad is simply one of the gangs and maybe Suzie Su led them. Whatever the case, Roy Harper is going to be killed out of revenge for Suzie Su's murder.

As noted on the cover, Killer Croc is also here and he's with the Triad. Although apparently against his will.

Does this mean Killer Croc survives getting all of his Hydra heads chopped off by Wonder Woman over in Batwoman?

Killer Croc is actually Roy's reason for being in Hong Kong. Since Killer Croc helped Roy get into AA (or NA, I guess) to kick his heroin addiction, Roy decided to help Killer Croc when Roy heard he was being held against his will in Hong Kong. I guess Roy didn't mind Medusa using Croc since sponsoring a guy for AA isn't the kind of favor you pay back by battling Medusa and a bunch of Urban Legends. But traveling to Hong Kong to shoot some arrows into street gangs? No problem!

Did you know Arsenal's name is Arsenal because he can use anything as a weapon? I didn't know that! Maybe that's because I always refer to this jerk as Speedy. And that nickname didn't fucking mean anything so I figured Arsenal didn't really mean anything. Unless this is a new twist on the New 52 Arsenal since there have been 17 issues of Red Hood and the Outlaws and I don't think this ever came up. He just shoots his arrows and smarts off. And when I say "smarts off", I don't mean to imply that anything that comes out of his mouth is the least bit smart or witty. He's just one of those assholes that loves the sound of his own voice and believes if something is coming out of his mouth, it's funny. Except everybody else either gives a polite and awkward golf laugh or just rolls their eyes and pretends they were busy doing something other than listening to him.

Here are some of the things he says up to and during his escape:

Speedy: "Sucks to be me."
Speedy: "Holy crap, dude! You learned Chinese?!"
Speedy: "Do you guys offer some sort of special Triad Chinese Tutor?"
Speedy: "Word was you started holding international criminals against their will, but no one mentioned the educational component."
Speedy: "What's your health care plan like?"
Speedy: "A whole 'skyscraper's worth'? Really? Oh, wow. That's a lot of new faces."
Speedy: "Seeeee yoooooou soooooon...!"
Speedy: "And knock it off with the guns! They're so lame!"
Speedy: "Murdering's for wimps."

Speedy says the murdering is for wimps line after he impales this man like so:

See? All the way in!

with this screwdriver:

Yeah. I'm pretty sure he just pierced that asshole's heart.

Speedy finally "disables" a skyscraper's worth of henchmen and arrives at the Boss Room. Inside is the leader of the Triad and the thing Speedy thought was Killer Croc. It's not. It's some Chinese Dragon version of him. Speedy has simply wasted his time. And mine! Thanks a lot, DC, for blowing another issue of DC Universe Presents on a character from one of the shittiest comics of the New 52.

You know what? Speedy mentioned the "murdering is for wimps" thing a few pages ago. Does that mean he's against killing and guns in Red Hood and the Outlaws? So he's against Jason Todd's entire method of fighting crime and yet he backs him up? What the fuck is the difference, Roy Harper? You might as well be killing people too (and he may have in Red Hood but I don't specifically remember him killing anyone, so I'm going to assume he hasn't because this comic book shows he thinks murdering is for wimps).

So we come to the part where Roy Harper fights Chinese Killer Dragon.

This panel may be a joke but it exemplifies everything I hate about Narration Boxing. Obviously the Narration Box isn't needed here. That's maybe the intended joke. Or the intended joke is that when a character is being punched in the face, "Oof" is definitely all they should be thinking about. They shouldn't be going over shopping lists or thinking about how Chinese Killer Dragon was a little off-balance when throwing that punch. Whatever this panel actually intends, it's really quite the argument for why Narration Boxes suck. It's also totally meta!

Joe Keatinge obviously didn't mean for that last panel to be commentary on how stupid it is to have characters thinking complex and smart ass thoughts while getting pummeled in the face repeatedly because that is exactly what Roy goes on to do in the subsequent panels. It does show that if I'd had the neighbor boy mark out all the boxes, I wouldn't be fucking missing a thing.

Here's what goes through Speedy's mind as Chinese Killer Dragon punches him bloody and throws him through a window!

Speedy: "This certainly stopped going well."
Speedy: "I'm pretty sure this window had bulletproof glass."
Speedy: "It sure felt like bulletproof glass."
Speedy: "All of my insides are in all kinds of pain."
Speedy: "But let's give a round of applause to balconies, am I right?"
Speedy: "Sure beats falling to my death."
Speedy: "My squishy, squishy death."

Roy manages to destroy the inhibiting collar on Chinese Killer Dragon and gains an ally.

Speedy decides to go all Wolverine on his adversaries.

After the fight, Wolverine discovers that the Chinese Killer Dragon is named Fin Fang Foom or something. When did I start reading Marvel Comics?

Roy makes friends with Fangfengfoom and leaves him with some words of wisdom that could have been uttered by Christ himself.

"Do better, douchebags. Do better."

DC Universe Presents #17: Speedy Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm simply giving this comic book a negative ranking because I can't stand Arsenal and his Narration Boxes. I have a feeling the comic would be better without the Narration Boxes. Just a second.

Yep! I just read it without the boxes and it was much improved. They added nothing to the comic book! These things are like training wheels. If a writer relies on them too much, that writer will never be able to get on without them. I think they can be used adequately if used sparingly. But mostly it just seems like the writer thinks they need to be shoving words in panels that don't need words. It's a lack of confidence as much as it is lazy writing. Maybe if characters said really interesting things in their Narration Boxes, I wouldn't mind so much. I generally didn't mind it when Shade thought stuff in that way. Whatever. No use continuing to complain (although I will!). I guess I'm stuck with them!