Wonder Woman #19

Ugh. This is like when you see the girl you have a huge crush on suddenly making out with the drunkest, sexist, most musclebound frat guy at the party.

After a conversation I had on Facebook this morning, I feel the need to go write some really horrible fanfic where I ship Willy Wonka with Mary Poppins. They're my two most favoritest people in the world and even though I also love Bert, he'd have to go. He'd be found dead in the park in a hard, candy shell with lots of tiny footprints surrounding his corpse in the mud. Scotland Yard would send out their crime scene specialists who would discover all sorts of strange, alien DNA at the scene. I'm pretty sure that's as far as the investigation would go because Willy Wonka is a rich bastard and Bert is just a lower class chimney sweep, so Scotland Yard would bury the case and forget about it. Meanwhile Mary Poppins and Willy Wonka would be fucked up on Spoonfuls of Sugar and fucking like maniacs in a chocolate river.

Over to the less interesting than my fan fiction Wonder Woman (Willy Wonka? W. W. No wonder I couldn't resist talking about it!), even though Apollo is now Ruler of Olympus, he's still keeping his day job. Get it? That's a good one, right? But he isn't too busy to hang about with Artemis and Dionysus getting drunk and gossiping about War having lost his mind. Dionysus confirms that Zola's baby is the baby in the prophecy that will kill a God for a Throne. I'm not sure exactly how that was all confirmed. I think Dio is speculating or trusting in hearsay. Because I still think The First Born is the child of Zeus's that will kill Apollo and take the Throne which is why Zeus abdicated and became his own child to avoid being killed by the earlier prophecy about The First Born taking Olympus. These things always end up very convoluted.

Meanwhile in London, everybody wants to name Zola's baby.

Why not just name the kid "whisky" or "bourbon"? Oh! "Trevor" isn't bad! A little suburban or bourgeois, maybe. But it would work.

The entire new extended family is on an outing in London and they all seem to be bonding over the baby. Except for War who just needs a drink. And maybe Orion who is still trying to come to terms with fighting a baby to the death. But great grandmother Hera has suddenly become the sweetest woman ever with little Baby Zeus in her arms.

Sudzuka and Akins and Green are nailing the look on this book. Unless this is just Akins and Green. Maybe Sudzuka's work is The First Born stuff? Anyway, Cliff Chiang has a quality back-up team on this thing.

I tried to scan just the bottom half of that page above and then I had to keep moving the mask up because the whole thing was just too gorgeous and well-written to not scan the entire thing. I keep having that problem with this book! I go to scan one panel and I end up keeping the entire page.

Zola decides on Zeke for Zeus's baby and everybody agrees it fits him. Orion makes another pass at Wonder Woman but she ignores him and goes off to speak with War at the bar where he compliments her on her compassion and ability to unite the Gods.

Meanwhile in Poseidon's belly, Poseidon is offering The First Born a deal. I don't know how Poseidon exists within his own belly! He's a God! He can do whatever he wants, I suppose. I'm just thankful he got this meeting underway quickly so it isn't taking place inside his colon. Poseidon is offering The First Born his weapon back if he leaves the realms of The Sea and The Underworld alone. As long as he confines his war to Olympus, Poseidon doesn't give a gigantic, stringy fish poop what The First Born does.

The First Born does not accept the deal.

Back in London, Lennox is quitting the team because it's gotten too big. And Orion continues to hit on Wonder Woman.

Remember that thing I said last commentary about Amazons and male genitalia?

What did I say earlier about not being able to control myself when scanning in parts of this comic book? Two pages in a row and now I've just read the next page and, well, gotta put it up too!

Do they use strikes in Cricket as well? I'm so ignorant of sports. Is Cricket a sport?!

Orion's face goes all Darkseidy or something when he gets super dick fratboy angry. He gets all pouty and upset and ditches the team on his Boom Scooter. Which is really too bad for Orion since he's now heading off to be written by Scott Lobdell for awhile. I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Okay, I wouldn't wish that on most anybody. Fine. I wouldn't wish that on probably a handful of people I know and regularly wish it on everybody that fucking annoys me whenever I have to leave the house.

Over in Poseidon's belly, The First Born decides to take the deal proffered by the Sea King. Poseidon gives him his weapon and stays safe while Hell gives The First Born his army and remains safe. But Poseidon also warns him that he won't take Olympus without first dealing with Zeke. Oh, sure, he doesn't know the kid's name yet. He's just calling him The Last Born. But he does accept that Zeke is the true heir to Olympus and, as such, must be taken care of one way or the other, really bloody way. The First Born heads off to take care of the problem while Poseidon bets that Apollo will kill him and Hades bets on Wonder Woman. I don't know why nobody is betting on the baby!

As Apollo and Dio and Moon discuss the prophecy and what it means, I realize that the God that may be killed for the throne could just as well mean The First Born. The First Born's prophecy was that one day Olympus would be his and his alone. So maybe Zeke is going to go all Xena "Twilight of the Gods" on the Greek Pantheon, leaving only The First Born left! I want to see a baby going about killing all of the gods now! Forget the God of War video game! I want to play the game as a baby going about killing all of the gods.

Finally, Artemis the Moon Princess decides perhaps it's time to take matters into her hands. She heads down to London to murder Zeke while The First Born heads up out of the Thames to deal with Zeke as well. So it looks like London is in trouble.

Wonder Woman #19 Rating: +1 Ranking. It looks like Wonder Woman and Demon Knights are going to be stuck in a holding pattern in my Rankings since they'll just keep leapfrogging each other at positions four and five. My ranking system has some issues. Last month, The Suicide Squad dropped about ten to fifteen ranks simply because every comic book I read after it went up one rank and the order just happened to put Suicide Squad just above the next comic book I would read. Which is fine since that book needed to drop a bunch of ranks recently anyway.

Wonder Woman #18

Who would be destroyed by the Gods?

Get your Amazonian Wonder Bracelets ready, kids! It's time for The Bullet Point Review! That's where I get to relax and read Wonder Woman and just list the essential plot points for my future self next month! See? I told you to get your bracelets ready so you could deflect the bullet points I'm going to throw at you!

There may also be pictures.

• Wonder Woman and War travel to Demeter's Realm hoping to find Zola's stupid baby that's causing all of this trouble. Why doesn't she just get a kitten?
• Hermes ambushed them while saying, "Go, I say, go away War. Ya bother me."

"That's a joke son! See? He's got, I say, he's got rooster feet!"

• Wonder Woman battles Hermes and isn't instantly killed. That's impressive, right? He's supposed to be pretty fast! Wonder Woman must get a lot of practice blocking quick hands since she's currently dating Superman.
• The First Born battles Poseidon. I don't know the statistics of either of these characters. My guess is The First Born will defeat Poseidon or else the whole First Born story arc will end with a gigantic whimper.
• Hermes wants to keep the baby because the baby was put under his protection. The whole maternal bond doesn't seem to be a decent argument as to why the baby doesn't belong to him.

This attack by Hermes seems like a bad idea. Aren't Amazons trained to destroy male genitalia on sight? And he's just offering his up on a figurative silver platter here! Man, I'd like to see him offer them up on a literal silver platter. I wonder if Hermes has a rooster penis?

• Using DNA from Diana's ass to locate her in Demeter's Realm, Orion Boom Tubes in and rescues Hermes' genitals by yanking Wonder Woman out of the battle.
• Hermes calls Orion a dog.
• Orion wants to kill Hermes but Wonder Woman pulls on his leash and keeps him on track.
• Wonder Woman and Orion run from Hermes while looking for Zola's Baby, Little Zeus.

Technically Orion doesn't know absolutely that he's supposed to kill Zola's child.

• Hermes is crippled yet again when Wonder Woman cuts off one of his foot wings.
• War makes his way to Demeter, rips open her wooden belly, and pulls out Zola's baby.
• Should I be calling War "Ares"?
• The last night of my work week, I sometimes repeat this over and over: "I am Jack's Grecian Urn."
• My work weeks generally only run three days. And about five hours a day.
• Now that I own my own business, I have this desperate feeling that I can't continue to keep it going. Mostly because I despise having to do things for money. I just want to be "UNLEASHED!" from it all!
• Those bullet points were the part of the commentary where I wedge in something about my personal life.
• This is the part where I go back to talking about the comic book. Maybe ease back into it by beginning with a picture.

Poseidon makes the classic big monster mistake: he swallows somebody with invulnerability and super strength. Chew thoroughly before you swallow, Sir!

• Wonder Woman comes upon the wounded Demeter and shows compassion. What kind of a warrior is she?! She keeps winning all of her battles with hugs and warm fuzzies!
• Wonder Woman kicks herself for trusting War. Orion points out she didn't trust him; she took a calculated risk.
• Wonder Woman feels consoled. Orion feels her up. Well, not exactly. I imagine he would be a neuter right now if he'd tried. But he does flirt with her! Diana walks away disgusted.
• Diana returns to the apartment to find everybody in a good mood because War brought the baby back to Zola! Surprise! War is a big softie! Except he probably just did it so that some people would be in his debt.
• This last page I'm about to scan in made me laugh out loud.

What a great family shot. Thanks Cliff Chiang for being the awesomest.

Wonder Woman #18 Rating: +1 Ranking. I love reading this comic book and I hate writing commentary on it. It's a book I should be really talking about and pulling apart and dissecting. But I just want to enjoy reading it. I can't believe how much I'm enjoying the Big Three and a Half Heroes (Aquaman is the 1/2, if anybody was wondering).

Wonder Woman #17

Shouldn't I get a discount when Cliff Chiang doesn't do the interior art?

Last issue while Zola and Hera were visiting a bar in Manhattan, Zola ran into a God I hadn't been introduced to yet. Turns out it's Dionysus. So this bar is now stuffed full of demi-gods, gods, ex-gods, and a woman who once fucked a god and had its baby. This bar is really trying way too hard to be cool. Pretty soon they're joined by a New God, a superhero, and a man made of rock. Okay. That's it. This bar is over.

In the confusion of the gigantic BOOM of Orion's boom tube, Zola takes a knife to Ares because (thanks to Strife. I think) she believes he's planning on killing her baby.

But that doesn't work out so well for her.

Meanwhile the First Born and Cassandra get attacked by a Sea Serpent while flying in their helicopter. I should learn how to say that in sign language.

Back at the bar, War agrees to take Wonder Woman alone to Demeter's realm to find Zola's baby. Apparently only Olympians can travel to realms under the control of other Olympians without an evite.

Orion is not suffering from a lack of self-esteem.

I suppose all the Gods Wonder Woman is dealing with have various motives revolving, somewhat, around Zola's baby. Hera just wanted to kill Zola's baby out of jealousy. That led directly to her becoming mortal. Apollo simply wanted to sit on the throne of Olympus and, after hearing an oracle, he felt he needed to take Zola's baby out of the equation. Strife, being the embodiment of conflict, might have no other goal other than to create chaos. Orion is on earth to stop the "new god" that will end time, possibly Zola's baby. Wonder Woman just wants to help Zola get her baby back and stop getting dragged into the affairs of the Gods. But what do Hermes, Demeter, and Ares want? I have no idea. Maybe if I reread all 17 issues, I might glean some new information (or old information that I've forgotten). But that would take more time than I currently want to spend on it. So hopefully in the next ten pages, at least one of those three will spill their immortal beans.

While The First Born argues with Poseidon and makes sushi out of his sea serpents, Wonder Woman and Ares enter a potted Sage plant and step into Demeter's realm. It's there they meet Hermes who ambushes Ares and holds them both at sword point. I suppose the answers will have to wait.

Wonder Woman Rating: No change. This is a comic book that I'd rather forgo the normal commentary and just bullet point the things that are happening so I can keep track of them all. Maybe I'll just do that in future commentaries so I can just sit back, relax, and enjoy Wonder Woman.