Batman: The Dark Knight #16

All the villains in Gotham are crazy. Therefore the Mad Hatter's big gimmick is wearing a hat. As in Hatman. Clever, little man. Clever.

Since I'm hip deep in DC Crossovers right now, it's kind of refreshing to read a comic book that presents a story and then finishes the story and then goes on to present a new story! Even if the story it just presented was a Reboot of the first story of Batman: The Dark Knight. So it only took fifteen issues to Reboot the Scarecrow and then reboot the Rebooted Scarecrow. DC's ducks must have some serious attitude. "Rows? Fuck rows, Didio! You cock! You suck! We're gonna spread out all over the place, fucker! Fuck your schedule! Fuck your New 52! You should have thought about lining us up sooner, cock. It's going to take you years to get us in line, fucker! Also, why aren't there more female ducks in this place, you fuck! Suck my cock. Fucking quack, motherfucker."

For those easily lost by my rambling diatribes, that was a joke about getting your ducks in a row. I seem to picture ducks using the word "fuck" and "cock" a lot. They just love a word with hard "k" sound.

Before I begin reading the comic book, I've contracted out a writer to open for me. He'll be presenting his writing to warm you up as I go to breakfast and have a relaxing morning. You may be familiar with him and I don't care if you like him because I need to go put my feet up for awhile. May I present to you Grunion Guy and the first chapter of his story, "Temperance Goes Down!" Enjoy! Or not.

Temperance Goes Down
Chapter One
The Foxhole!

"I hate the French!" yelled Temperance like a feisty werewolf.

"Oh shush!" belittled her sister who never gives her name and so she isn't important to the story. So it shouldn't affect the reader (or Temperance) at all when a werewolf in a waistcoat came out of the bushes and mauled her straight to death!

"Oh my! That wasn't normal!" evoked Temperance in that manner that usually ends up in a dead cat. Then the Werewolf took out a calculator and made some quick calculations and then he shook his head and left a 13% tip on the corpse of Temperance's sister before jumping down a foxhole.

"Well, what a cheapskate!" humphed Temperance who decided to follow the werewolf down the foxhole because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Although calling the police or the dog pound would have probably been a better idea. So she picked up her camcorder (digital, of course) and went down.

"Oh my I'm falling down a hole!" evidenced Temperance. She must not have been a very bright girl since she didn't seem to realize cause and effect. Which is probably a good thing because anyone who believes in cause and effect would probably shoot themselves if they had to be in this story.

"Oh my! My dress is going up over my head and showing off my frilly pantaloons!" Temperance put a hand over her mouth and looked demurely at the camera. I mean the reader! "Oh! I hope I remembered my pantaloons!" she exclaimed just in case the movie version of this story might be rated R. And if it was rated R then she probably did a few flips in the air too and maybe her boobies fell out of her top too. Temperance was probably eighteen also or else that whole scene was weird and illegal instead of sexy like it was supposed to be. Temperance's sister was the young girl and since she is dead, it is okay to have nakedness now.

And then Temperance landed! "Look at me! I must be in Nether Zealand!" Actually, she was still in the Foxhole but now the Foxhole was filled with locked doors instead of foxes. Or werewolves! I almost forgot about them!

Temperance tried to open all the doors but found out that they were locked. She would have known that if she had been reading the book instead of making daisy chains in her hair or whatever hot chicks do when they're alone in a foxhole. "I must believe in God," she remembered.

Then she found a key on a table and a bottle of Jaegermeister that said, "Drink up, beeyatch!" right on the label! "Ohno, I mustn't drink this hard alcohol and become really tipsy!" she salivated. Then she gagged as she choked on the key. "Oops!" This time she picked up the right item and drank it all in one gulp! Also, she turned the video camera on and pointed it at her face.

"I'm scared!" she cried and then she got really drunk. I mean, she shrunk. But for some reason that didn't solve her problems so she stamped her foot and said, "Oh eat me!" The Werewolf stuck his head in and he had fake painted eyebrows and a fake mustache and he wiggled his cigar and said, "Oh yeah!" or something even wittier if I think of a better line later.

After Temperance said the eat me thing, she suddenly grew really big and caused this chapter to end!

End of Chapter One!

Goddammit, Grunion Guy! If you're going to take up that much space before I can even scan one picture from the comic, you're stupid fucking story is going at the end of these commentaries! I'll open for you! You think internet readers are going to wade through that many words without a fucking picture? You better draw something to go with your story next time!

Sorry about that. So, Batman!

"Can't blame them for being terrified . . . they live in Gotham!"

Oh look! The citizens of Gotham are finally fucking scared about something! The Joker goes on a rampage and kills a bunch of random people. "No big deal! Happens all the time!" The Hydra stomps through downtown while Medusa turns everyone to stone. "Yawn. Saw it last Tuesday." Mobs of people are running around eating each other. "Yeah, that happens occasionally." People begin disappearing. "Holy fuck it's the end of the world!" I hope Batman can solve this problem! It sounds like the worst one he's faced yet if it can scare the citizens of Gotham.

Batman ends his explication of recent events with this: "There's no discernible pattern. I prefer patterns." Because it makes detective work easier? Shouldn't you be reacting like Deathstork Deathstroke and embracing the challenge? Stop being like normal people, Batman! You're better than that.

Please don't mistake me and start acting like Deathstroke. That guy currently sucks.

Oh look! The kidnappers are all wearing hats (except that one guy. But that looks like a wig!)! You're going to get your pattern, Batman! And they all look like normal people! OMG! The kidnappers are kidnapping the kidnappers! Wait. Is that right?

Boy, if Batman could only see the cover of his own comic book each month, he could solve all of his mysteries easy! Even though I know The Mad Hatter is the antagonist, I bet Batman is still way ahead of me and almost has the entire problem sorted out already. He's such a genius!

Uh oh. His arrogance is getting in the way of his genius!

I would think Batman would instantly notice they all have hats on (and if he didn't, he'd realize it as soon as the one hatless guy lost his wig) and know he was up against The Mad Hatter. It's not like he gets many new crazy people in his town. People dead with grins? Joker. Bird themed crime? The Penguin. Plants involved? Poison Ivy. Needs a shower because he smells like sex and tuna? Catwoman. Clue left at the scene? Riddler. Alice in Wonderland themed crime? Okay, that one could be a little tricky.

After Batman saves one person from being kidnapped, he heads home as Bruce Wayne to discover he's missed another date with Natalya. And the relationship ends according to the plan I outlined last commentary.

Being that she's a pianist and the background is set up like a piano's keys, I'm sure Natalya is playing Bruce as much as he's playing her.

This break-up could also be trouble because Natalya hints that she knows who Bruce Wayne really is. It's possible it's one of those lines of dialogue meant to build tension in the reader that she knows he's Batman but she's really talking about how she knows his inner child or some shit. But she makes these comments after pointing out that she's noticed the timing of his injuries and that she's a very smart woman. So if Bruce breaks up with Natalya, is he going to have another Death of the Family crisis on his hands?

Batman must really be off his game because of the Natalya crisis. Perhaps Bruce Wayne really likes this woman. Perhaps he'd even risk his identity and Alfred's life (again!) to be with this woman. But his mind definitely isn't on his detective work because he goes to visit The Penguin who helps him out with the case.

Perhaps The Mad Hatter just isn't known for being able to organize such a widespread crime spree. That or Batman's in loooove!

The Mad Hatter is working with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (of course! I wonder if Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum have been Rebooted to be child molesters?) to kidnap people that fit certain profiles so they can play very specific parts. The Mad Hatter doesn't get any more specific than that. So he's financing a Broadway show in Gotham? A special show just for Batman? Since The Joker stole the party idea, Mad Hatter is probably feeling a little pissed off. So he's decided to invite Bats to a play!

Perhaps a larger hat would keep him from questioning you, Mr. Hatter? This scene ends with The Mad Hatters thumbs firmly ensconced in the large man's eye sockets.

Batman: The Dark Knight #16 Rating: +1 Rating. The Mad Hatter looks like a cross between Roger Daltry and Marty Feldman. I like his outfit (So the Penguin was right! He is into haberdashery!) and his lift shoes. I also like that he's being played up to be completely mad because, you know, they're all mad there. In Gotham. I don't know how the Penguin deals with being lumped in with all of the psychos of Gotham when he's just a normal business man with a slight bird fetish. I don't really have much of an opinion one way or the other with Bruce getting involved with Natalya. It would be interesting if every story introduced a new woman and showed Bruce getting close to each of them for very different reasons. And then he can eventually marry all of them!

The Savage Hawkman #16

Everyone stand up and applaud! THE CONCLUSION!

In celebration of the end of one of the most poorly written and poorly put together plots I've read in my 25 years of reading comic books (and I read DC Challenge, dammit!), I am writing a poem in place of the usual commentary. Before you begin reading, please pour yourself a glass of wine, or fix a nice tumbler of scotch or pop open a forty. Relax. And even though I know you were expecting a lot of swearing and dick jokes, please enjoy this presentation of high brow literature.

Hawkman:Wanted:Conclusion
Part:The:First
Torture!

AAAHHHHH!
The Hawkman screams.
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!



As if flying overhead,
(as opposed to strapped into no-strap hovering holo-manacles)
it cries its cry of crying:
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!



Shayera's lips move
But the words disappear like seagulls diving into a foetid bay
Searching for sustenance but only finding
AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!


Shut the fuck up, Hawkman! I'm trying to fucking recite poetry here!

Grim torture and death
Delivered by buzzed beach going teens
Simply looking to fornicate drunkenly.

"Why doth the Hawkman scream its scream?"
The inexplicably repentant Shayera asks
As she searches her mind for the appropriate cliché
Responses.

Expected turns of phrase which satisfy no one
Except Frank Tieri who cashes his paycheck for a job done.

It is now the screaming of the Hawkgirl
Filling the empty spaces within panels.
"How could you do this to me, Corsar?"
"How could you lie to me, Corsar?"
"How could you do this to your people, Corsar?"

The answer? Obvious.
(To the five loyal readers of The Savage Hawkman,
Who have seen the same plot played out over and over
As if Frank Tieri and Rob Liefeld knew the definition of
"Theme" or "Motif" or "Literary Device")
The answer screamed the scream of the half-hawkman, Corsar
amidst the screams already screamingly scrummed:

AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH! AAAHHHHH!
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?
THE NTH METAL! THE NTH METAL! THE NTH METAL!



Screaming replaced by choking
Choking. Choking. Choking.
Great Ixthultu, the CHOKING!
Corsar chokes off Shayera's screams.
Hawkman chokes off Corsar's screams.
The great multi-armed beast
(from who fucking knows where)
Chokes off Hakwman's screams.

Comcast chokes off my poetry calling to scream about
Who knows what since I tell them,
"Fuck. Off. If I want something, I'll call you."
Did Walt Whitman have to deal with these kinds of distractions?
Or were his distractions merely of the half-naked young men at play on the beach variety?

Part:The:Second
THRAXAS!

great old ones!
gods of thanagar!
gods!
living among hawk-people!
or just long-lived ancient ancestors?

THRAXAS be he THRAXAS we see THRAXAS me pee

great old ones!
out of the machine!
to solve the problems!
of all hawk-kind!
his voice!
like screams!

but more rational and well thought out and in a cadence that is really quite lovely, actually.

great old ones!
hold answers!
"teleport the nth metal!
out of meek young one!
into other meek young one!
voila!"

Part:The:Third
Shayera!

"Excuse me but that sounds dangerous."

Part:The:Fourth
A Picture of a Flying Ship!



Part:The:Fifth
What happened to Deathstroke and Pike!

It doesn't matter!
Frank Tieri teaches us that life is messy.
Answers are the rarest thing in life.
Do not wonder if Deathstroke ever replaced
Pike's gum.
Turn your mind away from things you can't know,
Things you will never know,
Things that were not meant for you.

If you could survive this long not knowing what
Happened to Poison Ivy in Birds of Prey,
You can live with never knowing if Deathstroke
Ever found Pike again.

Part:The:Sixth
Birds Rule!

The war behind it all continues!
Thanagar versus Daemonite versus Czarnian!
Except the Czarnians are all dead.
So why hasn't someone told Emperor Corsar?
Or told Writer Frank Tieri?
Or told Editor Harvey Richards?


When did the moon gets its own fucking moon?

Corsar prepares his Flock to Nest upon the Earth!
Eagle in Tinasha! CHECK!
Hummingbird in Pakistan! CHECK!
Iron Dragon in Alaska! CHECK!
(Iron Dragon? Did Frank Tieri run out of birds after thinking up two?
At least it's still a flying, if fictional, animal.)
Magma on Heard Island. CHECK!
(That doesn't make any sense at all for the Flock theme)
Nigel in the Andes. CHECK!
(Oh for fuck's sake! You're not even trying now!)

The next plot is foreshadowed,
If The Savage Hawkman makes it past Issue #17.

Part:The:Seventh
Hawkgirl Saves The Day!

AHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHH!
AHHHHHHH!

BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!

RUUUUMBLE!

SPLOOSH!

CLICK!

Shayera--NO!

Shayera...
...no...

The Savage Hawkman #16 Rating: No change. It was a stupid ending to a stupid story that never should have taken place because the end of the issue before Hawkman:Wanted began, Hawkman had Pike and Xerxes and Hawkgirl captured. But he let them go and then immediately regretted letting them go because he began hunting Hawkgirl to get answers. So thanks for leaving this title in such a fucking mess, Liefeld! I'll blame you simply because DC kept putting your name on the cover and also why not?

And just because some of you might actually be curious as to how this mess ended, I'll explain Part:The:Seventh. The screaming was Hawkman and Corsar getting the Nth Metal transfer. The booms were because Shayera sabotaged the equipment. The rumble was because the Aerie was heading into the sun. The sploosh was one of Hawkgirl's bodyguards exploding. The click was Shayera shoving Hawkman and Emma into an escape pod. The rest was Hawkman's reaction to his greatest love that he only just remembered sacrificing herself to save him. And then the ship was seen falling into the sun even though the sun was super far away as seen in the panel I scanned with Corsar checking up on The Flock.

Superman #16

I am truly excited to learn about Oracle! I wonder why it chose the name "Oracle"? Is it obsessed with Earth just like every other alien in the universe? Or, being omniscient, does it know something we don't? Oh! Oracles know things we don't! But why choose an Earth word that describes something Oracle can do that wouldn't actually seem special to someone that can do it? Again, it must know something that forced it to choose the name Oracle which it has always chosen and always will choose and, being omniscient, never even actually had a choice. Or maybe "Oracle" just means bad ass motherfucker in its long dead space language.

Recent events in H'el on Earth have left The Flash on the Justice League Watchtower and the rest of the Justice League still trying to find H'el within the Fortress of Solitude. It's been rough going though because Scott Lobdell makes up new science fiction terms every page to hamper their pursuit. I think they fought a Mega-Future Bio-Enhanced Auto-calibrated Vestigial Socket Wrench from Pax Crustulum. Then they battled the Stratford-Avon String Theory Megamonkey from Globular Cluster 5ADoubleP. But once they bested the Flirtatious Florence Nightingale Battle Ball and taught her to love again, they were finally through the defenses. Except for Wonder Woman who was fighting a bajillion Kryptonian Battle Drones. She may have finished slaughtering those by now though.

This issue begins as a flashback to H'el beginning his space journey, hoping he'll "survive the pull of Krypton's prohibitive gravitational pull." Well, that was awkward. How about just saying "the pull of Krypton's prohibitive gravity"? But then I'm not a genius Kryptonian Space Genius working side by side with Jor-el, another really smart Kryptonian smart Kryptonian. I'm just a cynical asshole constantly poking Scott Lobdell with a long pointy stick with a sharp point.

I like how Scott Lobdell took a look at the word "universe" and decided the prefix was all wrong. "Uni doesn't describe the Universe correctly! It has more than one thing in it! It has everything in it! It should be the omniverse! And you don't just learn one subject at university! You learn them all! It should be an omniversity! And a unicycle doesn't just take you to one place! It takes you every place you want to go! It should be an omnicycle! The Unitarian Church doesn't just accept people that believe in one set of dogmatic rules! They accept people who believe all kinds of crazy things! They should be Omnitarians! I wonder why Omnivores aren't called Univores? I could have fixed that one as well!"

Jor-el gives H'el a Super Crest for his journey and H'el promises to live up to it by saving Krypton no matter what happens. I think he might be going a little overboard now. I believe he's suffering from Space Madness. If he were truly a good person that was trying to save Krypton because he promised people he loved, he should be able to realize that those people he promised would not ask nor want him to destroy an entire galaxy to change the events of the past. But Space Madness will make you blind to things like that. The main symptom of Space Madness is wildly trying to kill anything you possibly can while pretending that you are working toward some greater good. I wonder if Space Madness is covered in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders?

After H'el's magnificent story about everybody on Krypton coming out to watch the launch, Kara begins to get suspicious. She doesn't remember anything like that ever happening! But he's got such a magnificently shaved upper pubic region that she quickly dismisses any thoughts that H'el might be trying to deceive her. You go, Supergirl!

H'el should have a giant "D" on his chest. You know what I'm saying.

Meanwhile Superman and Wonder Woman and Cyborg and Superboy (but not Batman for some reason) are still battling Superman's collection of strange and exotic plants (which are his hobby). I guess I got ahead of myself earlier when I declared they were done battling the many dangerous things that Superman left lying around the Fortress of Solitude. Currently they're battling Gigantic Purple Hentai Eels.

"The only way to defeat them is to stop struggling, lie down, and die!"

Reading this bit, my spider sense is beginning to tingle. I'm beginning to understand why Batman can't trust Superman. He has all of these crazy weapons and creatures in the Fortress of Solitude. Why? He could just as easily destroy the weapons and keep his indoor outdoor safari zoo biodome place on another planet with no native life of its own. But instead he keeps it here on Earth and lies to everyone about what they are. Yes. I said it. He lies. Need proof?

See?! He's just making shit up as he goes along and then forgets what he just made up! First it's Aaricus Prime. Then it's Aarticus Prime! Well, Superman, what is it? I know it's not a fault of Scott Lobdell or DC's Editors since they're known for always doing an exemplary job.

Batman appears after the fight to tell everybody that they're doing their jobs wrong. That's it, Batman! Lead by douchebaggery! It's the fucking American Way now, isn't it? And what better way to fight the fucking xeno H'el than with American Shitkickeristic Values and the Talk Downingness of Rich Fat Cats That Think They Know Better Because Their Orifices Are Stuffed With Money! Batman's new plan is to "go off-script." He passes around new scripts for everybody because God forbid they ad-lib their own material. Who in their right mind would think they could come up with a better plan than Batman? Only Batman could come up with a better plan than Batman. Unless not even Batman can come up with a better plan than Batman? Whichever one makes him sound smarter.

Batman's new plan is to let Superman and Superboy go on ahead to deal with H'el while the rest of the Justice League gets the fuck out of this comic book. Superboy battles Supergirl and Superman battles H'el. Judging by the last battles against H'el, this fight should only last a few panels before H'el pulls some magic Kryptonian Dragonrabbit out of his hat and either unravels their DNA or teleports them away or simply knocks them unconscious with his super super strength.

And whattya know? Superboy and Superman both get about one punch in before H'el teleports the Fortress of Solitude to somewhere else leaving the Justice League (and Superboy!) lying on the ice where the Fortress used to sit. At least the bad guy's ultimate powers have been consistently used. I was afraid Superman was going to get the upper hand for a second there.

Once H'el moves the Fortress, he activates his machine. The Justice League watches impotently from a distance as the end of the world is upon them. And meanwhile in the far reaches of space, Oracle continues to slowly crawl toward Earth so he can watch the show. What the fuck is his issue? He's obsessed with witnessing planets die? Is he a voyeur or a scientist? What's the difference between a voyeur and a scientist? One observes as a notes taker and the other observes while totes naked! And since the Oracle looks like a big naked crystal thing without a notebook, I think we know which one he is.

He's a gigantic cosmic buttplug! Who wants to take bets that when he arrives at Earth, he approaches it on the plane of the solar system with his head to Earth's north? I'm pretty sure cosmic creatures can't enter our solar system from the "subjective top" or "subjective bottom" of the horizontal plane in line with the planet's orbits.

Superman #16 Rating: No change. I think Scott Lobdell had to estimate how long the crossover he was doing would be and he overestimated by a few issues so now he's just vamping for time in this one. And the last page with the Oracle? Very nearly identical information from the last page of Supergirl #16. I thought I was going to learn more and now I'm disappointed and unfulfilled. Eh. I'm used to that feeling!

The Flash #16

I don't get it. What kind of pun is that?

Now that The Flash is pummeling monkeys all over Central City, isn't it time for PETA to step forward and begin protesting him for cruelty to animals? Maybe talking animals aren't covered by PETA's umbrella of empathy and/or political motivations. Perhaps they believe that an animal that can talk is an animal that can defend itself. I bet if you had to spend an hour listening to a cow talk about its day, you'd be dying to make it into burgers and shoes. I know if my cat could speak his mind in a way that I could understand every nuance of his rants and raves as opposed to simply meowing loudly, I'd hate his fucking guts.

"Hey Thumbs! Transform that can into food already! And my chin itches. Could you scratch my chin? Yeah! Yeah! That's it! That's it! FUCK YOU THAT'S ENOUGH! By the love of Bast, you don't know when to quit, do you? Is it time for more food now? Well, I hope to see more on the plate when I get back from the burying room." *leaves the room* "Hey Thumbs! You call this clean?! Have you been shitting in it too? Is it too much to fucking ask that you disappear my excrement more than once a day? Bast, you monkeys are filthy."

Although I think that's better than having to listen to a dog go on and on about all the crap he loves. "I love smells. I love food. I love outside. I hate squirrels. I love chasing squirrels. I love poop. Did I mention I love smells? I love you. I love when you pet me. I love when you take me for a walk. I love when you beat me. I love when you yell at me. I love smells." Shut up already!

And then you have the talking apes as seen in The Flash. "Well, la dee dah! Look at Mr. Hairless over there! Running the world! Too high and mighty to scratch his ass and sniff his fingers. At least in public, am I right?! Yeah, you and your fancy "language" and "clothing" and "technology." But you hear the words coming out of my mouth, right? Oh yeah. I can smell that you just pissed yourself a little bit because us monkeys are so physically superior to you humans that you know it's over now, don't you? Apes that can talk and carry weapons? Yeah. You guys are fucked. Get back in the ocean where you belong, you stupid water monkeys."

So nobody in Central City cares enough to save the talking apes because I just explained why! Plus they're all too busy being strapped into Gorilla Grodd's Illusion Machine to make Central City appear radioactive and destroyed, keeping other super heroes at bay. The Rogues are busy trying to save humans (including Daniel West!) by stuffing them all into Mirror Master's Mirror Dimension. And The Flash is busy reminiscing about how Iris West was always flirting with him simply to get police information out of him for her news stories.

And sometimes simply for personal information about her delinquent brother.

Barry is thinking about the past and Iris because he's currently comparing it to the present and Patty. Patty now knows he's The Flash and she supports his decisions even when they're completely stupid like giving himself up to Grodd. But The Flash has used his Speed Mind Power to see the future and everything but giving himself up ends in disaster. At least all the options The Flash can think of with his limited imagination! Which is three! So after he thinks up three scenarios and takes them to their disastrous conclusion, he gives up and goes off to surrender to Grodd.

Meanwhile in The Speed Force, the story is greatly appealing to average twelve year old boys!

And weird twelve year old girls. You know the kind? The best kind!

Iris West and her rag-tag group of Speed Force survivors are busy learning how to use Soviet Tanks and, very possibly, developing their own super powers.

The Flash, on the other hand, is busy trying to give up his powers to a psionic ape that ate his daddy's brain and wants everything now. I wish some shorter apes would begin singing a song about greed and power.

I think Grodd was expecting them to sing as well.

As Grodd tries to kill Flash and take his power, The Flash uses his powers to transport himself and Grodd into the Speed Force. From the Speed Force, they can time travel so maybe Grodd will end up traveling back into the past where he can fight Green Lantern and The Flash so that Green Lantern's dialogue in Justice League #2 makes sense!

Inside the Speed Force, Grodd begins to grow more and more powerful. But The Flash doesn't care because The Flash is the most powerful person inside the Speed Force. He's also not the only person in the Speed Force like he first thought.

What happened to all of the puns this issue?

While in the Speed Force, Turbine developed his spinning like a spaz powers. And now Grodd is powering up as well. And the Asian guy with Iris began to develop a power as well. Will Iris West develop a super power too? Be with us next time when "How the West Will Pun" or "Tanks for the Mammaries."

The Flash #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sixteen issues of fifty-two different titles...what more can I say? This comic is fun, looks good, and has a terrific narrative that remains consistent and coherent. This is the kind of thing I expect from comic books. I don't think of it as the star of The New 52 but it's a comic book that you can pick up and it won't disappoint. I truly hope the creative team of Manapul and Buccellato remains on this book for years to come. It's one of the few comic books in The New 52 that I can see easiy running hundreds of issues.

All Star Western #16

I bet part of Amadeus Arkham's obsession and insanity in later years is due to having once been poisoned by The Black Diamond.

A month has passed since last issue and, judging by the cover, I assume Amadeus is still in the loony bin but won't be for long. Jonah Hex has been recovering from his broken leg tended by a nurse in Arkham's mansion

The only time Hex wouldn't think his nurse was mean is if the nurse were actually a whore.

Jonah Hex has been stuck in his chair for a month listening to Amadeus's mother scream out her hallucinations night after night. With enough alcohol, I guess he found it tolerable. But now that the nurse won't let him drink and doesn't know how to make chigustie and won't jerk him off in the tub, Jonah has had enough of the madwoman. He brandishes his lucky Tomahawk and gets ready to end her suffering. Although Jonah Hex's nickname isn't Mad-dog, so I'm almost positive that he won't go through with it. Almost.

Well at least it looks like Hex found somebody that is willing to jerk him off in the tub.

So far this issue has been eight pages of Jonah Hex knocking about Arkham's mansion, dealing with boredom, sobriety, his nurse, and Amadeus's mother. It's eight pages I that imagine some people would read and wonder when the fuck they were going to get to the story or the Black Diamond or at least some fucking punching. But to me, this is what comic books should be! If only they still ran twenty-four pages, some writers might feel they could take a little more time with stories. To take a little more time to let the dialogue and the art show the reader what's in Hex's mind instead of filling a few pages with a bunch of Narration Boxes giving the reader the synopsis of Hex's current state of mind. And then to have the first appearance of Amadeus's mother and it isn't a disappointment! It's fantastic. The ancient woman sitting in front of her vanity. The vanity covered in old perfume bottles. The room filled with dolls and a cloying scent of dying roses. And her madness driving her to believe she is Jane Eyre (although, obviously, she's more like Bertha Mason) and the disfigured man that just entered, Edward Rochester, her love.
[[MORE]]
Perhaps the scene could have done with a little more subtlety (like, at the very least, Hex not blatantly looking at the copy of Jane Eyre), but I don't think I would have made the connection without Amadeus's mother rambling on as if she were Jane. But once she did, it's all so fitting. Except, of course, that she sees herself as Jane instead of Bertha. But that's part of what makes the scene so nice. She is crazy, after all.

But it has been eight pages now, so it's probably about time Amadeus interrupts all of this nicely paced drama and tries to kill Jonah Hex.

Lucky for me, a few more pages remain of Hex and Mrs. Arkham's newly budding relationship. Having "Edward" in the house has calmed her violent and disturbing hallucinations somewhat, so Hex has decided to play along so he doesn't have to listen to her scream all night.

Ah ha ha ha! The nurse calls Hex on his romantic bent!

That last speech bubble with the malformed font is the return of Mr. Hyde. He attempts to kill Jonah Hex but the nurse runs off and returns in time with his pistol. Hex fires a few shots into Mr. Hyde turning him back into Doctor Jekyll. Or whoever he is when he's not an abomination. This is a Reboot, after all! Maybe in the Reboot, the book this was based on was Dr. Scrimshaw and Mr. Hyde. Hex wants Doctor Jekyll to live, so he has the Nurse remove the bullets and save his life. Luckily this nurse is actually trained in more than just making Jello for old people.

The characters in this book are so nicely done that I keep having to scan in full pages instead of one or two panels because every moment of dialogue is worth reading.

I've never fucking heard of Venus in Furs so I should ask Lord Google about it. But it sounds like a conversation that could get perverse right quick. From the very quick and shallow reading I just did about the book, it sounds like the 1870s version of Fifty Shades of Grey. The Wikipedia entry quotes one line from the book:

"That woman, as nature has created her, and man at present is educating her, is man's enemy. She can only be his slave or his despot, but never his companion. This she can become only when she has the same rights as he and is his equal in education and work."

I disagree with that last line! Equality in work and education is actually the easy part! It's not until women are equal in the sexual realm that men and women can truly be companions. Until women stop being slut-shamed by other women. Until men stop believing they're nice guys so why won't that cunt touch their wiener. Until fathers can offer their daughter a pat on the back and a sip of beer for "scoring" on a date. Until responsible, casual sex by either gender can be done without it being seen as baggage or a mistake or having been used by the other party. Until women are no longer blamed for a man's inability to understand the definition of "consensual." These things (and many, many more) are the things keeping men and women from truly being companions. And I use the term "men and women" in a truly generic sense. Obviously many of us, no matter the definition of our own sexuality and gender, are at that companionable place. But it's not good enough until everybody has figured it the fuck out.

The story ends with Jonah Hex tossing Mr. Hyde's Black Diamond formula (still sealed within its bottle) into Gotham Bay where it more than likely washes up on the shores of Arkham Island in another hundred or so years.

And then the best "Next Month" page I've ever seen.

I am so fucking excited for this. Jenny Freedom!

I'm a bit sad that Jonah Hex and Amadeus Arkham will be going on hiatus for a bit but if they're going to be replaced by somebody, Jenny Freedom's Stormwatch team has got to be at the top of the list. Dr. Thirteen is obviously the scientist but I'm not sure about the other two. Could Vandal Savage pass as The Englishman? And when the Lawman is revealed, I'll probably have one of those, "Oh yeah! That guy!" moments. [Edit: Glancing through my old Who's Whos, I think the Lawman may end up being The Whip!]

The back-up story with Tomahawk was more of the same although it was a better read than the previous chapters. I guess it's worth it if it gets even a few people interested in picking up a historical novel on Tecumseh.

All Star Western #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I just really like everything about this comic book. Okay, maybe the back-up story can usually use some work but it doesn't detract from the main story at all.

Krona! (as seen, as a corpse, in Red Lanterns)

Part 13 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: None
Occupation: Former scientist, now Would-Be Conqueror
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Nekron's Dimension
First Appearance: GREEN LANTERN #40
Height: 6'8" [I didn't realize Oans could get so tall! I suspect Krona was a chronic masturbator.] Weight: 349 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Black

HISTORY
"About ten billion years ago Krona, a member of the race of immortals living on the planet Oa, devised a machine with which he planned to se back through time to the beginning of all things. Krona was acting in defiance of an ancient legend that warned that if the Oans ever discovered the true origin of the cosmos, both the Oans and the universe would be destroyed [Oh shit! He's going to defy an ancient legend!? Krona is one crazy motherfucker! He probably pumps his gas without checking for needles in the gas nozzle handle or carelessly flashes his lights when he sees a car driving without their headlights on. Somebody put a stop to this crazy motherfucker!]. Despite pleas and urgings to desist [By annoying, superstitious bastards.], Krona worked until his invention revealed the image of a shadow shaped like a giant hand holding a cluster of stars [Could also have been a penis.]. At that instant a bolt of cosmic lightning [Possibly male ejaculate.] destroyed the machine, and would have killed Krona had he not been virtually indestructible [Also, immortal. It's always good to be indestructible when you're also immortal. Nobody needs to live forever as an immortal pasty goo after accidentally being pushed by a man in a batsuit into a giant vat of chemicals.].

Krona's act had several effects. It released an evil force through the universe, causing hatred and violence [So he invented religion?]. (This was not, however, the actual origin of evil, which has existed since the first sentient beings evolved [That makes sense. As soon as somebody could judge someone else's actions with their selfish, subjective perceptions, they started saying that people doing things they disagreed with were "evil." So it's not that evil suddenly existed. It's just that sentient creatures can be narcissistic fucking assholes.].) It somehow triggered the creation of an other-dimensional anti-matter universe [In anti-matter universe, penis masturbates you! Sorry. Fucking Yakov Smirnoff.]. It also caused Krona's own universe to replicate itself an unknown number of times [Like sands in the hourglass! Or seeds in the Kleenex!]. Thus the single universe became a multiverse, a collection of parallel universes. Only eons later would the multiverse be reduced to a single universe again during the so-called crisis on infinite earths.

The Oans punished Krona by reducing his form to disembodied energy doomed to travel harmlessly through the multiverse forever [Oh, so the technology to fuck someone's shit up forever is okay but taking a peek into the past is forbidden? Why are the Oans still alive? Hey DC! You want a really good reboot to your universe? Erase the Oans' existence completely!]. Then, to atone for Krona's crime, the Oans vowed to create a force for good. Eventually the Oans became known as the Guardians of the Universe [and the biggest assholes in the universe.], founders of the Green Lantern Corps (see individual listings).

In recent years Krona used the mystic power ring energy of Green Lantern Alan Scott (see Green Lantern I) to make possible his return to his original form [That makes so much sense! Since Krona learned of the creation of the universe through a God's act of masturbation, and since Krona retained his strong, Oan physical form due to eon long bouts of masturbation himself, he had to utilize the only Green Lantern Ring that could not protect against six hour erections.]. Krona again attempted to probe the universe's origin [Hee hee hee!] but was halted by Scott [who, at the time, was totally against ass-play.] and by Green Lantern Hal Jordan (see Green Lantern II). The Guardians again turned Krona into energy and exiled him into the void [Because that worked out so well the first time. See? They've been insane from the beginning.].

Eventually Krona entered the dimension ruled by Nekron (see Nekron), where many souls of the dead pass on their way to their final destination [Topeka?]. Nekron restored Krona to his original form and increased his powers, and then sent him and an army of the dead to destroy the Guardians' universe [So Blackest Night happened twenty years before Geoff Johns wrote it?]. Jordan, the Green Lantern Corps, and the Guardians defeated Krona, Nekron, and their army. When last seen, Krona had retreated into Nekron's dimension, vowing vengeance [A-ha! So his vengeance, if you follow the path of causality, eventually led to The New 52. Is that why Atrocitus kept his corpse on hand to angrily molest on a nightly basis?].

POWERS & WEAPONS
As an Oan, Krona is virtually immortal and invulnerable and possesses vast psionic powers. Nekron has at least temporarily increased Krona's powers, making him more powerful than any one of the Guardians.

For Christmas 2011, I bought my girlfriend the Deadwood Choose Your Own Adventure Book and updated the Warning page.