The Rogues #1

How is DC not pitching this as a sitcom?

The Rogues even have a location for the sitcom all set up: the Keystone Saloon! Sure, the name can use a little work. And it might seem a bit derivative of Cheers. But when did Cheers have super villains? That's right. Never. Carla may have been a super asshole and Cliff was a bumbling mega-genius, but they didn't have costumes, so it doesn't count. The other main set could be the jail and the Rogues could just suddenly appear and disappear from one location to the next in a red blur as The Flash captures them or lets them go, depending on how well his Crime Scene Detectivating went. Oh yeah! Barry is CSI! So I suppose if the networks aren't looking for a superhero sitcom, they can always have another CSI spinoff. CSI: Keystone.

Since Mirror Master was not stuck in Mirrorworld during Forever Evil, I expect him to learn how to free himself during this issue or else Geoff Johns is a walking embarrassment. With the hope that that turns out to be true, let's get on with this shit.

That scan is all wonky and I'm not even drunk! I blame the printers!

Mirror Master is currently out of the mirror but this is still the "NOW" of The New 52 Timeline, so we should still expect some flashbacks. My guess is that Mirror Master broke free with the power of love!

That Narration Box by Captain Cold is really awkward. "We look like costumed freaks so that we'll be underestimated"? I would expect people to overestimate a jerk in a flashy costume. And I have experience with being overestimated as Captain Cold!

Wonder Woman just gave up because I was so accurate with my Silly String Freeze Ray.

That's Doom Bunny as Wonder Woman! His wife bought the wig for him and she's apparently the only person in America that has no idea what Wonder Woman looks like.

Back before The Crime Syndicate and Gorilla Grodd Redux, The Rogues were busy trying to strike it rich by robbing a bank. That's a Speed Force Point for me because they were trying to rob the bank by going through a mine! Thus strike it rich! That was probably what Buccellato was going for. Maybe I should split the Speed Force Point with him. Maybe I shouldn't even be discussing Speed Force Points since I stopped using them well over a year ago and now nobody knows what the fuck I'm talking about!

Your starting line-up for tonight's comic!

The Rogues fail to steal ten million dollars because DC doesn't want rich super villains! What good are rich villains? What would motivate them to commit crimes? Even as I began asking that question, I knew it was stupid. Super Villains are always trying to steal as much money as possible. And to steal all that money, they usually spend a fortune on expensive gadgets and cutting edge technology. I suppose once they can afford to build a super secret space satellite, they have to keep committing crimes to pay for the staff and the fuel and the cable, electric, and water bills. It sounds like a stressful job being a super villain. I wouldn't bother even if I had a super power. I'd probably just go out on the street and busk to make enough money to pay for rent and food. And cable, of course.

The morning after The Rogue's celebration for failing to steal ten million dollars but full of self-congratulations for not having accidentally killed a building full of people, Glider decides it's time to rescue Mirror Master from his crappy Mirrorworld. It really does sound like a pretty boring place. Except you can go around watching people have sex. But you probably can't bake cookies.

Glider manages to free Mirror Master by using her Astral Projection somehow. It's all very metaphysical and you probably wouldn't understand the science behind the procedure. Not because you're too stupid but because I can't spell science words at all! You'd just be really confused when I began talking about tacky ions and electroencephalicardigans. I also can't explain the biology of why Glider goes into heart failure after freeing her beau.

Being that Glider is Captain Cold's sister, he throws a temper tantrum because she's dying. He decides to break up the team, get drunk, and go rob a bank.

Oh my god! You Rogues are boring the fuck out of me! "Don't kill anybody!" "Don't let my sister die!" "Don't rob banks while you're drunk!" Whiniest villains ever.

Everybody winds up in Mirrorworld for a gigantic group hug warm fuzzy feel good bullshit moment. Glider may be back in her coma but the rest of the team remains together. And they decide to allow Trickster back in for good measure. Which is where this thing began with the scene from Forever Evil. The team go to the Society meet and greet just like everybody else and then return to Keystone City to take over only to find a stupid monkey has already done it. And then left. Because he apparently has ADHD.

The Rogues #1 Rating: It could be that I'm very, very sleepy but I suspect this issue was just fucking stupid. We did learn how Mirror Master was freed but that was stupid. And we learned that The Rogues allowed Trickster back on the team but who fucking cares? Nothing really happened in this issue except Glider was sidelined and The Rogues ended up in a place where they're ready to fight for Keystone City in what will probably be a really shitty and unnecessary mini-series. That's my summation which is pretty shitty considering I've got major wood for The Rogues Gallery! So disappointingly mundane.

The Flash #16

I don't get it. What kind of pun is that?

Now that The Flash is pummeling monkeys all over Central City, isn't it time for PETA to step forward and begin protesting him for cruelty to animals? Maybe talking animals aren't covered by PETA's umbrella of empathy and/or political motivations. Perhaps they believe that an animal that can talk is an animal that can defend itself. I bet if you had to spend an hour listening to a cow talk about its day, you'd be dying to make it into burgers and shoes. I know if my cat could speak his mind in a way that I could understand every nuance of his rants and raves as opposed to simply meowing loudly, I'd hate his fucking guts.

"Hey Thumbs! Transform that can into food already! And my chin itches. Could you scratch my chin? Yeah! Yeah! That's it! That's it! FUCK YOU THAT'S ENOUGH! By the love of Bast, you don't know when to quit, do you? Is it time for more food now? Well, I hope to see more on the plate when I get back from the burying room." *leaves the room* "Hey Thumbs! You call this clean?! Have you been shitting in it too? Is it too much to fucking ask that you disappear my excrement more than once a day? Bast, you monkeys are filthy."

Although I think that's better than having to listen to a dog go on and on about all the crap he loves. "I love smells. I love food. I love outside. I hate squirrels. I love chasing squirrels. I love poop. Did I mention I love smells? I love you. I love when you pet me. I love when you take me for a walk. I love when you beat me. I love when you yell at me. I love smells." Shut up already!

And then you have the talking apes as seen in The Flash. "Well, la dee dah! Look at Mr. Hairless over there! Running the world! Too high and mighty to scratch his ass and sniff his fingers. At least in public, am I right?! Yeah, you and your fancy "language" and "clothing" and "technology." But you hear the words coming out of my mouth, right? Oh yeah. I can smell that you just pissed yourself a little bit because us monkeys are so physically superior to you humans that you know it's over now, don't you? Apes that can talk and carry weapons? Yeah. You guys are fucked. Get back in the ocean where you belong, you stupid water monkeys."

So nobody in Central City cares enough to save the talking apes because I just explained why! Plus they're all too busy being strapped into Gorilla Grodd's Illusion Machine to make Central City appear radioactive and destroyed, keeping other super heroes at bay. The Rogues are busy trying to save humans (including Daniel West!) by stuffing them all into Mirror Master's Mirror Dimension. And The Flash is busy reminiscing about how Iris West was always flirting with him simply to get police information out of him for her news stories.

And sometimes simply for personal information about her delinquent brother.

Barry is thinking about the past and Iris because he's currently comparing it to the present and Patty. Patty now knows he's The Flash and she supports his decisions even when they're completely stupid like giving himself up to Grodd. But The Flash has used his Speed Mind Power to see the future and everything but giving himself up ends in disaster. At least all the options The Flash can think of with his limited imagination! Which is three! So after he thinks up three scenarios and takes them to their disastrous conclusion, he gives up and goes off to surrender to Grodd.

Meanwhile in The Speed Force, the story is greatly appealing to average twelve year old boys!

And weird twelve year old girls. You know the kind? The best kind!

Iris West and her rag-tag group of Speed Force survivors are busy learning how to use Soviet Tanks and, very possibly, developing their own super powers.

The Flash, on the other hand, is busy trying to give up his powers to a psionic ape that ate his daddy's brain and wants everything now. I wish some shorter apes would begin singing a song about greed and power.

I think Grodd was expecting them to sing as well.

As Grodd tries to kill Flash and take his power, The Flash uses his powers to transport himself and Grodd into the Speed Force. From the Speed Force, they can time travel so maybe Grodd will end up traveling back into the past where he can fight Green Lantern and The Flash so that Green Lantern's dialogue in Justice League #2 makes sense!

Inside the Speed Force, Grodd begins to grow more and more powerful. But The Flash doesn't care because The Flash is the most powerful person inside the Speed Force. He's also not the only person in the Speed Force like he first thought.

What happened to all of the puns this issue?

While in the Speed Force, Turbine developed his spinning like a spaz powers. And now Grodd is powering up as well. And the Asian guy with Iris began to develop a power as well. Will Iris West develop a super power too? Be with us next time when "How the West Will Pun" or "Tanks for the Mammaries."

The Flash #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sixteen issues of fifty-two different titles...what more can I say? This comic is fun, looks good, and has a terrific narrative that remains consistent and coherent. This is the kind of thing I expect from comic books. I don't think of it as the star of The New 52 but it's a comic book that you can pick up and it won't disappoint. I truly hope the creative team of Manapul and Buccellato remains on this book for years to come. It's one of the few comic books in The New 52 that I can see easiy running hundreds of issues.

The Flash #15

I think this is a pun about how the feet are used to travel upon roads.

Last issue ended with one of the greatest examples of "Gorilla Ex Machina" I've ever seen in a comic book. And comic books being what they are, there have been a lot of them! For the first forty years in the history of comic books, the most surefire way to get kids to pick up your comic book from the pharmacy comic book rack was to throw an ape or a dinosaur or the word "SHOCKING!" on the cover. Judging by the amount of monkeys and dinosaurs in The New 52 so far, it must still be common wisdom.

The great moment last issue was when Solovar was introduced two pages before he threw his life away to save The Flash. Technically he was introduced in an earlier issue during one of The Flash's Flashbacks to his safari trip. But only Turbine had any idea what that was about so it doesn't really count. Now can The Flash turn the tables on Gorilla Grodd or will Solovar have thrown his life away for nothing? Although I think philosophically speaking (depending on which philosophers were speaking, of course!), a mere ape throwing his life away so that a human being filled with God's Soul and Righteous Glory can live for even just a few more seconds is as majestic a life as an ape can live. Of course those philosophers are idiots.

Barry lies beneath 800 pounds of dead gorilla while Grodd beats his own chest in gorilla victory. But that's not enough to keep Patty Spivot, Barry's love interest, from submitting the first pun of the comic!

Okay, so it's not actually a pun. But you know what I mean! On a meta-textual level it is! Okay, not really. But she said "run" and we're reading a comic book about a guy that runs fast!

Grodd's infusion of speed force suddenly wears out, so Turbine begins throwing rocks at him to distract him while Patty somehow pushes an 800 pound gorilla off of Barry's chest. Luckily Solovar isn't completely dead so he can roll himself off of Barry while Patty pretends to do all of the work. Now Solovar tells her she's supposed to tell Barry something because his mind is always faster than, well, I don't know what he's saying. He's a delirious, dying, time traveling, talking ape! I'm pretty sure he's just babbling nonsense.

Meanwhile Captain Cold and the Rogues are putting their plan into effect. They're going to begin transferring citizens into the Mirror Realm to keep them safe from the monkeys. And of course they're going to do it while punning on each others' gimmicks.

How many times a year do you think Weather Wizard hears this?

While Patty is taking care of Barry, Grodd has found his way back to Dr. Elias's lab to suck down some more Speed Force. Dr. Elias has been storing it in tubes for some reason that may or may not have been explained previously. Probably to help power the city so that they never endure another blackout caused by a time traveling EMP blast.

Iris West's brother and probably Wally West's father, is still running around the streets looking for his sister. But he can't find her because she's on vacation in the Speed Force. He's caught by the apes and sent to Ape School where he'll be part of the project projecting an image of Central City completely destroyed and irradiated to anybody outside the city limits.

Barry Allen lies in bed doing his stupid Speed Mind thing. I guess having access to the Speed Force allows him to see the future and with his Speed Mind deal, he can see every future possibility in nearly no time at all. Using this amazing ability to read the scripts of future issues, he awakens from his unconscious state with the answer to Central City's Gorilla Problem.

Love will find a way, bitches. That's a saying, right?

The Flash #15 Rating: No change. There just wasn't enough comic book in this comic book. Half a dozen pages were taken up by the Speed Mind scenario that might have looked interesting but since I already dislike the entire concept, they really didn't impress me much. Not that I totally dislike the concept of somehow seeing alternate timelines and dealing with those. I just don't like how it was incorporated into The Flash's speed power and somehow associated with his ability to "think fast!" It really is more of a psychic power since he doesn't know most of the stuff he sees in his future possibilities. But I guess that's why it's tied to the Speed Force and that place that seems to access multiple points across the timeline.

The Flash's Speed Mind is a lot like The Centipede's power from Dial H except The Centipede is cooler because he has to live every single possibility and rewind when it doesn't work out. So he's actively trying each one as he goes and people can see a weird blurry afterimage of all of his various tries to solve a problem. I wonder if The Centipede leaves corpses as well or if those just fade away as he replays the timeline over and over?

This power is also reminiscent of the new version of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy from the final book, Mostly Harmless, where the guide manipulates the time line so that hitchhikers can get a lift precisely when they need one. Although it mostly just manipulates timelines so that it can get Arthur Dent to die on Earth like he was supposed to! Um, Spoiler Warning for the previous sentence!