Justice League #6

The men all look disgusted while Diana and Jessica look somewhat intrigued. Are they facing off against naked, erect Despero?

The Commentary!
• The issue begins with a Fear Monster attacking Earth. Only one member of the Justice League is not afraid: Jessica Cruz. It's because she spent so much of her life being afraid that she's immune to being afraid now! Except that she isn't. She still suffers from anxiety. But that's a different kind of fear! I'd much rather fight for my life against a tiger than spend a holiday around people I've never met before. Besides, I'm pretty sure I could take a tiger! I think you just have to grab it by the toe, right?

• Oh, Simon Baz is also not quite as afraid as the other Justice League members. So it's less about Jess having built up a gigantic callous on her brain when it comes to fear of legitimate varieties (I don't mean certain fears aren't real feelings. But, really, if you're afraid of moths, you know that's not a fear with actual consequences. Moths aren't going to hurt you. Unless you're deathly allergic to them and they can send you into anaphylactic shock by accidentally bumping against your face in a chaotic manner) and more about Green Lanterns being chosen because they can overcome great fear. Although why is Batman being such a coward?! Doesn't he know some sort of Tibetan mind trick to overcome terror?

• The Justice League defeat the fear by holding hands and being brave. It would have been more interesting if they'd done it in song like how Buffy and the Scooby Gang did. Since this was the opening scene of an ongoing story, does that mean the bulk of the story will be how the Justice League have to now walk alone in fear?

• After the battle, The Flash puts his arm around Jess and tells her she did a good job. Jess's response is, "Barry, want to fuck?"

We get it, Barry. You eat pussy and asshole.

• Remember how in The Revenge of the Nerds, the nerd wins the girl by eating her out when she thinks it's her boyfriend performing the oral sex? What kind of message is that for young nerdy men?! If you can somehow get yourself in a position to lick a woman's private parts, no matter how deceitfully, she'll be so grateful that she won't slap you in the face and possibly kick your ass and probably not press charges afterward because then she'd have to endure a system which would be all, "You're just ashamed you fucked a nerd, right?" Besides, the real ending of the movie should have had the nerd going down on the woman and her reaction being, "What the fuck are you doing down there?! Ow. OW! What the hell?! Get away from me!"

• Another message from the end of that movie is that you'd have to be a desperate social outcast and major loser to put your face anywhere near a woman's vagina. Apparently the good looking guys have so many women falling all over their cocks that they don't have to worry about pleasuring any of them. I guess that's just a metaphor for how much they care about the women they're dating. Although what's the metaphor for how much you care for a woman when you trick them into oral sex?

• Cyborg and Simon Baz go off to hang out with each other while Aquaman needs "help" with "something". Batman heads off alone even though he wants to hang out with Superman. But Superman has a stupid family who is expecting him back from saving the world before dinner gets cold.

Brian Cunningham and his crew fixed the location of the farm from "Metropolis" to "Upstate from Metropolis." But they didn't fix the really egregious error. It's not the fucking Kent Farm! It's the Smith Farm!

• I'm not so sure the "Upstate From Metropolis" bit is actually a fix anyway. If Metropolis was New York, it would be fine. But according to the map in Death of Hawkman, Metropolis is about as upstate as you can get in Delaware. I mean, it actually looks like it's in Virginia in the Death of Hawkman #1 but I think they were trying to map it out as New York City in New York, Gotham in New Jersey, and Metropolis in Delaware.

• I just asked Lord Google about "upstate Delaware" and one of the Lord's leads was to a Wikipedia disambiguation page which reads: "The term upstate may refer to the northerly portions of several U.S. states. It also can refer to parts of states that have a higher elevation, away from sea level. These regions tend to be rural; an exception is Delaware." Ha ha!

• Barry gets to the restaurant and his date with Jessica thirteen minutes early. That's odd. Isn't Barry always late for everything? That's the joke! He's got superspeed but he's still always late! Maybe he's only late to dates with Iris because he doesn't really give a shit about her.

• Barry rushes off to get flowers and returns with a bouquet of stems. I guess the Speed Force has something against protecting flowers while Barry is running with them. I bet if Alan Moore or Warren Ellis took over this book, they'd remember this bit and use it as a plot point!

• I didn't realize Batman was being more needy and standoffish than usual because, you know, he's Batman. But I guess he's still mourning Tim Drake's loss. Oh, come on! It was just Tim Drake! It's not like he lost somebody interesting or entertaining!

• Jessica flips the fuck out on her date because Barry begins acting like a jerk and he touches her hand. Sheesh! I'd expect that kind of reaction from Guy Gardner but not from Barry Allen! Hand touching? Ugh! The nerve!

• At the Kent Farm over dinner, Lois and Clark begin snapping at each other after which Clark declares he's going to kill Batman. Hmm. I'm sensing that maybe the Justice League didn't completely destroy the Fear Monster!

The Ranking!
+0! I would have liked to see a date between Barry and Jessica that didn't end up in a chaotic kerfuffle but in a more handjobby, fingerbangy kerfuffle.

Wonder Woman Rebirth #1

Why can't my comic book store be consistent and give me all the covers where the heroes are standing awkwardly on the new DC Logo? Oh! I know why! They can't even get me a copy of Flash Rebirth #1 even when it's on my fucking pull list! And they let me walk out of the store without rectifying the situation! If only I were a Type A Personality, I would have made them all very uncomfortable with my man-tantrum! Why do I have to be an understanding, meek asshole who now doesn't have a copy of Flash Rebirth #1?! And probably never will thanks to all of the Wally West fans who had to come back out of the woodwork and support DC Comics again. I suppose I'll just have to make up my reaction to the story as I pretend to read it.

The Review or Whatever!
That was a long caption! I thought maybe getting my frustrations out would help me feel more loosey-goosey while writing this review but my stomach is still upset! The feeling is akin to walking out of The Blair Witch Project where nothing has been resolved and you've achieved no catharsis of any kind. I didn't feel this way when Batman Beyond #13 was left out of my box (which I still don't have a copy of either, Excalibur PDX!) but I don't really care about that. I'm sure I can find that one in a dollar box by now! But if Flash Rebirth #1 sold out in my shop, it probably sold out in all the shops. And I don't really feel like searching for it anyway. So I guess I'll just sit here and feel like throwing up.

I hope I can compartmentalize my anger so I don't judge Greg Rucka's Wonder Woman story too harshly! Oh, who am I kidding?! I can't compartmentalize anything! Every reaction I've had in my adult life has been tainted by my lack of a father's love and bitterness at my relationship with my mother!

Wonder Woman begins this issue with the realization that she has Comic Book Spongiform Encephalopathy. She's full of memories of being born out of clay and of being born out of a vagina (both alone and with a brother named Jason).

That baby has the most kissingest mouth I've ever seen!

I just Tweeted my comic book shop and asked if there was a copy of Flash Rebirth #1 in my box yet and they replied that there was! So now I can finally relax! Whew. That was a close one! Who knew the world was so full of near tragedy and drama?!

Wonder Woman spends the first half of the comic book wondering who she is. She's all, "The truth of who I am matters! But I don't know the truth. So does it really matter? It must! I think. Maybe? Or does it? Has it ever? What's this lasso good for anyway?!"

She's quoting old Greek guys, so she must at least still be Greek! Probably. I mean, I'm not Greek but I still sometimes accidentally quote Greeks. But usually only because I know their quotes from popular culture. Like Wonder Woman comics! Remember when she said, "In war, the first casualty is truth"? Catchy!

Wonder Woman's spongy brain is trying to come to terms with suddenly remembering every retcon she's ever been through. And she's been through more than most! So now she has all these alternate histories that explain why she left Paradise Island, or how she grew up there, or how she was conceived, or how she once thought wearing bicycle shorts was an acceptable fashion choice. All of it was true! Unless none of it was true? Maybe some of it was true? Oh no! Now I'm doing what Wonder Woman does for the first half of this comic book! Every question she asks has all the answers and no answers at the same time! How will she reconcile this messy Rebirth?!

To find out the truth, Wonder Woman ties up the editors of DC Comics in her lasso and asks them to explain themselves. They just sort of shrug and say, "Wez gotz bonerz?" Since DC's editors aren't any help anymore because writers get to write whatever they want (that's my truth that might be less truth and more fantasy), Wonder Woman ignores them and ties herself up. Now I gotz bonerz!

Has there ever been a scene where Diana loops the lasso around the ankles of everybody at the Justice League Christmas Party? And by "Christmas", of course I mean "secular holiday where everybody gathers together to get drunk and exchange cheap gifts which will probably wind up in the trash by the end of the year".

Wonder Woman decides to go to Olympus to get some answers for why she's so confused. She probably should go to the office of Geoff Johns to find out why he's trying to blame Alan Moore and the Watchmen for his and his creative teams' mistakes! Why not blame Frank Miller?! Oh, that's right. Because Frank Miller is still willing to work with DC.

Wonder Woman arrives to find Olympus is just as much a lie as her own past. Apparently Doctor Manhattan doesn't have a quick enough imagination to keep up the lie as Diana continues to dig deeper. Too bad Doctor Manhattan wasn't a writer before becoming an omniscient blue nudist. A writer could have totally kept Diana fooled! So I guess it's also too bad Meredith Finch wasn't a writer before working on Wonder Woman! Was that too much of a burn? I kind of feel bad for that one! Not bad enough to delete the thought into nonexistence though!