Scooby Apocalypse #13

Why are they so frightened? It's obviously just a bunch of rich old white dudes in rubber masks.

• The update of the Scooby Doo franchise shouldn't have been from the angle that the monsters and ghosts were real. It should have been from the angle that the Scooby Gang were well armed and would wind up murdering a bunch of selfish old white dudes when they thought they were just killing monsters attacking them. The Scooby Gang wouldn't be a bunch of cute meddling kids if they were serial killer assassins driving from town to town solving "problems."

• Velma's brother Rufus is Donald Trump and his monster followers are people who wear MAGA hats. I've decided to state it plainly since I've been pretending to not get it in previous commentaries. The problem with this kind of satire is that it's not satire. It's just a restating of the truth.

See what I mean? Although Rufus is better looking.

• Shaggy comments on Rufus wearing a wig which is a shame. If you're going to make a Donald Trump parody character, don't explain his terrible hair as a wig. A wig would be preferable to that monstrous comb-over Ivanka swirls up to cover the seething maggots burrowing out of Trump's skull.

• The Scooby Gang realize Rufus can't help them so Velma beats him up some. After that, the monsters storm the building. Fred continues to sit outside in the Mystery Machine nursing his broken leg.

• The Scooby Gang escape with Daisy so that Shaggy can have a love interest other than Scooby. Rufus is burnt alive in a huge effigy of himself built by the monsters. So they're into crafts?

• There's a Scrappy Doo back-up story. I'd like to say I'm not going to read it because it's about Scrappy Doo and I'm not interested in it but I did spend actual money on this comic book so I'd feel like I wasted my money if I didn't read it.

• I was wrong. Now that I read it, I feel like I wasted my money!

This kid has a low bar on the qualities that make a dog the best.

Scooby Apocalypse #12

This Velman pose makes my butt wet.

The Review!
This month, the Scooby Gang are in Portland! I should probably annotate that with the state (Oregon) because I don't want to piss off all them Maine Portland fans who are all "Ayuh! Yuh reap what yuh sow!" Now I've probably pissed off a whole other set of fans who are furiously typing into the comments section "That was Bangor or Castle Rock you're thinking...excuse me while I push my nerd glasses up higher on my nose in an aggressively intellectual pause...of!" I hate fangenders of every kind! Why are they so mad when I shit all over their favorite thing?! My asshole has opinions that can't be stopped by anything short of Velma's finger! Or two fingers. Maybe three. Mmm. You know what? Let's try four!

Oh. Excuse me. According to the location box, they're in Seattle. I was just confused since the freeway signs indicate they're in Portland.

Shaggy and Fred makes sure to have the "It's so incredibly hard to believe but we're becoming friends!" conversation on page three before all the cynical readers snort and think, "I can't believe they're all becoming friends!" It's been twelve issues of the same argument between Velma and Daphne so I'm just relieved that Keith and J.M. are declaring that that part of the story has been resolved. No more arguing about whose fault the worldwide plague is (because it was Velma's). Now it's time to become the meddling kids we all knew and loved for a few years of our lives before we realized Scrappy Doo was an insufferable bastard.

The Scooby Gang are in Seattle (or on their way? No, no. I think they're supposed to be in Seattle and not just about to drive over the I-5 bridge in Portland no matter what the visual evidence says) to find Rufus, Velma's brother. Supposedly he can help in some way that was explained earlier but I wasn't paying attention because I was typing "NSFW VELMA" into my search window.

Velma's brother is a caricature of some famous person that I just can't put my finger on. Captain Kangaroo, maybe? Rufus has attracted the love and adoration of Seattle's most monstrous and disgusting inhabitants. I feel like that's a clue to the person Rufus is supposed to represent. A demagogue with monstrous followers? That could still be Captain Kangaroo!

Velma and the gang (minus Fred who was forced to sit in the Mystery Machine because he had a broken leg and also because he wouldn't stop hitting on Daphne and we're not to the part of the patriarchal wet dream story where the beautiful woman eventually gives in to the loser protagonist and declares that she also loves him) make it up to Rufus's office, knock on the door, and announce themselves. Rufus is all, "Say hello to my little friend (who is actually kind of big and sort of sawed-off!)"

The Scrappy Doo back-up story takes place in Walnut Creek, California (which means it's probably happening in Oakland). Scrappy meets a one-armed kid named Cliffy and puts a leash on him. Now Scrappy has somebody to talk to that isn't a snarling cybernetic dog-thing.

The Ranking!
No change! If you like Scooby Doo but want to read something that doesn't have the heart or feeling of the original cartoon series but has characters who solve their problems with violence who share the names of characters from the cartoon who solved their problems with logic and deduction, you'll love this comic book! Also if you don't like Scooby Doo but like those things I listed. Actually, your relationship with the original Scooby Doo has no bearing on what you'll think of this comic book since it has no bearing on the cartoon.

Scooby Apocalypse #11

Thanks for reminding me that Kenneth Rocafort's terrible art exists, comic book cover!

Apparently if you have anxiety about having a possible heart attack and feel an impending sense of doom, if you look up symptoms for a heart attack online, you'll find one of them is anxiety with an impending sense of doom! Who knew I've been having a heart attack for three quarters of my entire life!

That was Tess's Health Corner! Where the most likely not too healthy come to distract themselves from their impending thoughts of doom, tightness in the chest, and that incessant pain in their left arm.

The Review!
-1! I prefer Howard Porter's art to Dale Eaglesham's. That's a personal opinion that shouldn't reflect on my usually completely and utterly objective reviews of comic books. But since I was already disappointed in the art, it wasn't long before I was also disappointed in the story. It continues to have nothing to say. I'm not completely surprised by that since Giffen and DeMatteis have learned the secret of collecting easy paychecks. First you write a story with about five or six jokes in it. That's the first issue. In the second issue, you repeat all of the jokes and most of the dialogue and revelations from the first issue but in a different location. See how moving from one place to another makes it seem like the plot has advanced when really the characters haven't grown at all? So far that's been Scooby Apocalypse in a nutshell.

The good thing (I think you're supposed to add good things to critical reviews to make them seem non-biased although if something is utter crap, it seems unreasonable to expect a critic to figure out something nice to say. Nice people who don't think "This fucking sucks!" is a good enough review are ruining the world!) about this issue is it seems to finally put to rest the mistrust felt between different characters. Eleven issues in and the group has finally come together, declaring themselves friends and meddling kid detectives. Maybe now the plot can move forward!

There's also a back-up story that introduces Rufus Dinkley. He's the businessman brother of Velma and he's a huge turd. The good thing about him is he has a lot of money. See how I can say good and bad things, thus proving I'm an excellent reviewer! He's probably been introduced so the reader realizes the Scooby Gang has a goal. Find Rufus and help him! Or, more likely, kick his teeth in.

Scooby Apocalypse #10

I didn't know they made one piece chain mail tunics for women.

On their podcast, Athletico Mince, Bob Mortimer and Andy Dawson do this thing every episode where they imagine what Steve McClaren has been up to during the week. Since it always makes me laugh, I thought I would try it out myself! But nobody reading my comic book blog would know who Steve McClaren was, so I decided to do one of Cullen Bunn. Apparently Cullen Bunn's jerk friend who always sends anything I write about Cullen Bunn to Cullen Bunn sent the thing I wrote about Cullen Bunn to Cullen Bunn because Cullen Bunn had a reaction to it.

I can't believe I nailed it! I mean, he certainly didn't deny any of it. His wife even Tweeted about how they keep plastic spoons around the house because they don't stick as well. Which, frankly, seems like a huge lie (probably to cover up some sordid conspiracy). I would think the plastic spoons would stick to a penis much better than the metal ones!

I just want to clarify one thing: I don't love Cullen Bunn so much that I hate him. I neither love nor hate Cullen Bunn. What I did hate was Cullen Bunn's writing on Twat Lobo and Aquaman. You know, just to clear things up! I would also like to point out that I never @'d (is that how you say that?!) him via Twitter and only tagged his name on my reviews for archival purposes. I have done the same for many other writers and artists. Occasionally if I say something positive and I also think it's incredibly clever, I'll tag the writer on Twitter so they know I'm available at any Portland Con if they need a little digital and anal manipulation after Con hours. I'm not looking at you at all, Tom King. I'm looking at your cock.

I almost wrote my Steve McClaren bit using Scott Lobdell but at the last second, I thought, "Scott Lobdell never flipped me off via the Internet!"

More clarification! Cullen Bunn had every right to flip me off via the Internet and even in person! I was not kind to his writing. But I assure everybody involved, I would never be not kind to his face. Just ask Scott Lobdell when I had him sign my Big Book of New 52 First Issues! I totally didn't tell him I was saying horrible things about his writing on the Internet!

Hopefully, judging by the tone of Cullen's tweet, he understands that I harbor no ill will to any writers or artists of comic books and he'll apologize to me for writing Twat Lobo.

The Review!
Aha! I knew that chain mail on the cover was historically inaccurate!

Much better!

My knowledge of medieval armor consists mainly of three dozen Red Sonja comic books. But don't think I know better than to trust a single source for my information. I've also researched the topic in the pages of Cerebus where it completely backs up the facts from Red Sonja.

Velma ran away from the Scooby Gang last issue and now she's the warrior queen of Monstrovia. Did I miss issue 9.5?! This must be somebody's wet dream. I have theories about who that somebody is but I'm a little embarrassed about having that dream. So it's, uh, probably Fred.

Oh, before I wrap this up with "Yep! It was just a dream! A really good dream because I got to see so much of Velma's butt and underboob!", I should also mention that Magilla Gorilla makes a cameo.

Definitely a dream. I don't think Velma is actually this fit or well shaven. Don't get me wrong! This Velma is great! But I still prefer the one I had to conjure in my head because she wears about six yards of orange cloth made into a turtleneck. Although I suppose when you wear chain mail against your naked skin, you'll be hairless before long. Ouch!

Yep! It was just a dream!"

"A really good dream because I got to see so much of Velma's butt and underboob!"

The Ranking!
No change! What? You think I'm going to approve of a fill-in issue?! Even with Velma in a chain mail bikini, forget it!

Scooby Apocalypse #9

They're either looking at Scooby's latest shit or Scrappy Doo.

In this issue, Velma decides to ditch the rest of the Scooby Gang because she's feeling guilty for her part in ruining the world. She can't face them so she just leaves the computer open to her report to The Four on The Elysium Project. That's the project that probably ruined the world although, I'm sure, it'll turn out that The Four modified Velma's nanites so she doesn't have to live with the responsibility. Aside from that, nothing much happened. The characters in this comic book have a habit of repeating the same conversations over and over again. I don't think it's their fault. It's Keith and J.M.'s fault! They love to write the same jokes over and over again and since most of the conversations they write are "jokey," things tend to get repeated over and over again. So Daphne and Velma are still bickering but then pointing out that they're getting closer while punctuating that statement with more bickering and mistrust. Fred is still useless. Shaggy is always hungry and usually talking about bodily functions. And Scooby Doo says "Ruh-uh!" and "Ruh-huh!" a lot. No monsters appeared in this one.

No wait! There was one monster: Scrappy Doo! But he was in the back-up story and not the main story. In this issue, he murders a starving puppy. Sure, it's more like the murder of Lenny in Of Mice and Men than the murder of Tommy Devito in Goodfellas. So while Scrappy Doo moans about how he's become a monster, this terrible act of compassion seemingly proves otherwise. Except that he still killed a fucking puppy. What kind of Puppy Power is that? What a piece of shit.

What Did We Learn?
Post-apocalyptic stories can get pretty boring when there isn't any sex. It's just monster killing and foraging for food! These are four young people in a desperately scary situation, spending every single minute with each other. They've got to release the stress and tension in some fashion. And since nobody is hooking up, I suspect there's probably been a lot of sneaking away to masturbate.

The Ranking!
No change!

Scooby Apocalypse #8

Now that's a thigh gap! Ooh la la!

I see "Wagner" there on the cover and now the only thing I'm thinking is, "I fucking hope Matt Wagner is writing the Scrappy Doo back-up story!"

It's not. It's some jerko named Ron Wagner who probably changed his name to sell a few more comic books to overly excited Matt Wagner fans who pick up every Wagner book, just in case.

Last issue, Scooby Doo had run off, leading a bunch of monsters down a hallway lined with doors while some wanna-be Monkees music played. The rest of the gang drove off to the hospital, leaving him behind. This is the first page of this issue:

I guess somebody realized Scooby's name was in the title so maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have him run off.

Scooby Doo found his way back to the Gang because he's loaded down with Smart Dog technology and also he can smell Velma's ass from like five miles away. Lucky dog.

This episode begins with the formulaic bit where Scooby and Shaggy go off on their own to shit themselves. Also, they're looking for medical supplies. I imagine they'll also find the ingredients to make a five foot tall sandwich. And Scooby will say, "Roh boy!" And Shaggy will prepare to eat it and then look away and Scooby will eat it one bite and go, "Reee reee reee reee!" I think that's the way he laughs.

Daphne joins up with Shaggy and Scooby because this comic book doesn't know how the cartoon works. I guess it's okay this time because Fred is unconscious and Daphne usually fucks Fred while everybody else is busy investigating the haunted circus tent. Also it's okay because Daphne is a cold stone killer. She's also probably a lesbian since she keeps rebuffing Fred's advances. Also because this is a modern take on an old cartoon. You can't have everybody in the group be white and heterosexual! This is 2017! And Velma being the lesbian is too obvious. Also Fred being gay is too obvious. I mean, an ascot? What is that? Seriously. What is an ascot?

While Fred and Velma disappear into the Mystery Machine to do mysterious things like rest and celebrate life the only way they know how in the face of terrifying oblivion, Scooby, Shaggy, and Daphne explore the hospital looking for survivors.

This comic book is nothing like the cartoon! This should be a kitchen full of stuff to make sandwiches and also olives and toothpicks! I guess there is a ham hock on the floor.

Shaggy, Scooby, and Daphne discover a monstrous doctor torturing a human being unaffected by the nanites. I don't think the human being is famous so he'll probably die. The Scooby Gang only allows famous people to pal around with them in the Mystery Machine.

I suppose that might be Matt Leblanc. Maybe he could join up and drive the Mystery Machine! As long as he keeps from doing donuts around war memorials.

Daphne shoots off the demon doctor's arm but that doesn't help save the patient because the bed eats him. It's death bed! The bed that eats people! Actually, it's Death Hospital, the Hospital That Eats People. Because the entire hospital begins transforming with Scooby, Shaggy, and Dapne inside. For some reason, Fred and Velma don't drive away to live a life of bliss as the last man and woman on Earth. Instead they wait for the others like I probably wouldn't do. Especially since Velma isn't one of the ones in trouble.

Surprisingly, everybody survives the Death Hospital and they drive off on another adventure. Hopefully a sexy adventure that will force me to look up the meaning of the phrase "double penetration".

What Did We Learn?
Hospitals are the worst places in the world. Why don't hospital dramas ever portray hospitals as they really are? This Scooby Doo comic book came closer than shows like Grey's Anatomy or Chicago Hope or Doctors Fucking Like Rabbits. They're grisly and terrifying and the doctors are all a lot more monstrous than they look. The doctor in this comic book looked monstrous but that just meant he was even worse than real doctors like House or Trapper John. Hospitals would go a long way in not being creepy death vaults by changing up the architecture and minimalist hospital style they all like to stick to. Nobody wants to walk down an echoey hallway with stark florescent lighting and fuzzy beige walls because we all know that a madman lurks around the corner at the approaching T-intersection. If you never want to be completely sane again, get a file cabinet and a hand-truck and go to a nearby hospital. Tell them you're there to deliver it to whatever part of the hospital is located in the basement. Then go down there alone and walk those fucking empty halls until you shit yourself. Fucking hospitals are the worst.

The Ranking!
No change.

Scooby Apocalypse #7

These meddling kids are still murdering victims of the nano-virus?

I'm so glad nobody really writes about clip art anymore because I was tired of being constantly disappointed after realizing I'd misread it.

That had nothing to do with Scooby Apocalypse but then what is there to really say about it? It's the Scooby Gang solving problems with violence as opposed to solving problems with logic and science. It's the Scooby Gang America deserves. The only thing that would make it more American is if Fred and Shaggy were wearing the same clothes they wear in it now but Daphne and Velma were in bikinis.

In this issue, Fred breaks his leg because it's an easy way to get the Gang to their next plot location: a hospital. Not that a hospital needed to be the next plot location but it had to eventually be somewhere other than a Walmart. Why not a hospital? Plus hospitals are creepy! Especially if they're the ones for the criminally insane and they've been closed down and there are corpses and raving lunatics everywhere.

I've been playing Outlast on the Xbox One the last few days which might explain why I think closed down asylums are full of corpses and raving lunatics. And when I say "the last few days," I really mean a few minutes here and there because it's about all my heart can stand. That game is scary!

What Did We Learn?
We learned that no matter how short Velma's skirt seems to be, it's always long enough when it needs to cover up the goods. Stupid skirt that changes lengths constantly! We also learned that Scooby Doo is way too brave and Daphne has gotten over the fact that she's probably murdering sick people.

The Ranking!
No change!

Scooby Apocalypse #6

I wish the reflection in the glasses was totally different. And adult.

The Review!
This issue tells Velma's secret origin. The Four responsible for everybody in the world turning into monsters are her brothers. And she's a huge nerd with anger issues. She also has Daddy Issues but I'm so bored of Daddy Issues in DC Comics books that I'll never mention it again. One thing that I'm disappointed to find out is that she doesn't sit around her room in her underwear when she's alone. She's always wearing the same skirt and sweater!

Velma's main character trait is being an introvert through an extrovert's eyes. So she spends a lot of time alone because she doesn't understand other people and doesn't really care to try. But since Keith Giffen and J.M. DeMatteis are probably extroverts, they decide that, deep down, Velma is in pain and hates being alone. Oh, fuck off! Let an introvert be a Goddamned introvert already!

Anyway, Velma is still lonely and upset and thinks that nobody likes her. Mostly because she pushes them away. I would push them away too! Most people are fucking idiots who say the most boring, mundane, obvious things! I'd rather sit in the dark and talk to somebody interesting: myself!

This issue contains a Scrappy Doo back-up story. Ugh. Fuckin' Scrappy Doo? Seriously? I think there was a drinking game rule about this somewhere. I think when there's a Scrappy Doo back-up story, everybody has to drink until they fuck somebody. Have fun!

The back-up story explains why Scrappy Doo can speak better than Scooby Doo and why he walks on two feet. He also says "Lemme at 'im!" for the first time. I think that was also a rule in the drinking game. That one means you have to do a shot of tequila up your asshole. Enjoy!

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (*)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. Scooby Apocalypse (*)
8. The Flash (*)
9. Earth 2: Society (*)

I'm already questioning why I placed Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps over Suicide Squad! This is the problem with rankings: they're never correct! Even when you do them yourself!

Scooby Apocalypse #5

I wonder which one will be the first to die? I mean, we can't expect them all to survive the apocalypse, right?

The Review!
Scooby Apocalypse continues to make a mockery of the Scooby Doo cartoon. Not that the cartoon was such a phenomenal work of art that we should hold it to an untouchable standard. But at least the cartoon had a basic point in its weekly formulaic plot: science and logic will defeat the monsters. In this story, science has created the monsters. And what defeats them? Guns. Lots and lots of guns. In the cartoon, logic and patience were the heroes. In this comic, guns and violence and gut instinct are the heroes. I know which one I prefer! I mean, in theory! I would hate a video game where I have to be patient and use my head! No, wait. Actually I love video games like that. But I also love video games where you shoot little kids and laugh in their faces! I don't mean that's the plot of the game! I mean that's the fun of playing online multiplayer battles! Especially on Sunday morning! Holy shit, do adults teach kids what microphones are anymore? Can't somebody explain that you don't have to yell into a microphone so that somebody across the planet can hear you? They hear you just fine at your normal speaking volume, kid!

Here's how I predict this story will end. The Scooby Gang will find the scientists responsible for this mess. Each one will probably have turned into some kind of boss monster who must be killed. But they'll each have a piece of the puzzle so Velma can make the monster nanites inert. Upon doing so, everybody will revert back to normal. And once the Scooby Gang see that the monsters continue to be normal people, they'll all be overcome with guilt for having killed so many of them and hang themselves.

The Ranking!
No change! Here's a hint to get a positive rating, guys: more shots of Velma in her underwear! And make Scooby and Shaggy complete cowards! No more of this Scooby saving people's lives thing!

Scooby Apocalypse #4

I think Shaggy's cock is hanging out of his fly.

The Facts!
• Here's how I hope the romantic hook-ups go: Fred and Shaggy; Scooby and Daphne; Velma and every piece of vibrating electronics she can get between her legs.

• I like how Jim Lee gets a "based on a concept" credit for this book. Does he get royalties for thinking up the concept of the Scooby Gang battling real monsters in a post-apocalyptic world?

• How about Perfect Strangers in the dark ages? If anybody uses that, I want a "based on a concept" credit!

• Currently, the Scooby Gang has stopped at a gas station convenience store to stock up on snacks. They probably should have read the signs before heading in because they're just the kind of signs that wink at the reader in just that way that says, "We get what's about to happen, right? 'Stop in for a BITE'! Get it? 'Open dawn till dusk'? Get it? I mean, reverse it and get it? 'Service with a "smile"'? Why is the word 'smile' in quotes?! Seems ominous!" Oh, also at the end of the last issue, there was a vampire in the stock room.

• Daphne seems to have gotten over the guilt of murdering monsters who used to be people because she's now confidently wielding a huge gun she found in the Mystery Machine. She doesn't look a bit worried about having to kill more people-monsters!

• Daphne still doesn't trust Velma because Daphne was one of those conspiracy journalists who chase after every story which could prove that seemingly trustworthy people aren't trustworthy at all. Who better to bring down than a bunch of arrogant scientists who claim they're using science to save the world? More than likely they're using science to advance a nefarious agenda that isn't completely made up in the heads of lunatic paranoids at all!

• The trouble with this comic book is that Daphne is right and the scientists are doing exactly what she suspected they were doing. But Velma isn't one of them! She really should trust Velma. How can you not trust somebody who wears that short of a skirt? She's got my full attention!

• Daphne has been left on guard duty while Fred and Shaggy sleep and Velma worries. Scooby is just standing around staring at who-knows-what.

I never understood why vampires make more vampires. Isn't that just making more competition for limited resources? I mean, unless you meet a limited resource that you think you might want to fuck for eternity. Then I can understand making them into a vampire. Although according to Ann Rice, if you make somebody a vampire, you lose your intimate connection with them and everything falls apart and then Lestat goes off to pout for another century.

• Scooby Doo is way too brave in this comic book. He's supposed to run from danger not confront it head on! Was one of Jim Lee's concepts to have none of the characters act like they did in the cartoon? That seems like a pretty bold idea! "I know!" he probably began pretend humbly. "I'll draw the characters to look like the cartoon characters (although maybe tighten up Velma a bit so she makes Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea's dick hard) but Shaggy will be useful, Scooby will be brave, Daphne will be...um, what was Daphne? Wasn't her personality just hot and stylish? No wait. Wasn't that Fred's personality? Did they have personalities in the cartoon?! Anyway, um, Keith and J.M. (what does that stand for anyway? Jerk Machine?), just do whatever you want with the characters. Don't bother watching the cartoons for research because they're terrible."

• Daphne blows off the top half of the vampire. She really has come to terms with her new life of killing people who probably only need a shot of Anti-Nanites to return them to normal.

• Velma's turtle neck is actually a mock hoodie. I mean a real hoodie and not a mock turtle neck. I don't even know if I'm using mock turtle neck right. What the fuck is that supposed to be? Anyway, I just wanted to point out that there's a panel where she has her hoodie up but the colorist, fucking robot extraordinaire Hi-Fi, colored the hoodie the same color as her hair instead of orange. Way to fuck up, you stupid robot.

• I wish robot's had feelings so Hi-Fi would feel bad about its mistake!

• Since the vampires regenerate, the Scooby Gang decide to declare the case closed, hop in the Mystery Machine, and flee the scene. Since this issue is called "Fur and Fangs", I figure they'll run into a pack of werewolves next.

• The Scooby Gang finally come to the realization that they're going to have to hunt down the four scientists who got the world into this mess. If they'd been reading my commentaries, they would have known that during Issue #1! Unless I first pointed out that was going to be the basic structure of the story in Issue #2's commentaries. Whichever it was, let me just say: Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Usually Keith and J.M. recycle the same jokes over and over. In this series, they just keep recycling the same conversation between Velma and Daphne over and over. Velma says the scientists didn't do this. Daphne says they did. Velma says they didn't. Daphne says they did. I think I've read that argument at least seven times since this series began.

• Scrappy-Doo makes an appearance way earlier than I imagined he would. He's not dead so nobody has to drink until they die (those were the rules of my Scooby Doo Drinking Game!). And he isn't the cause of the apocalypse, so nobody has to never drink again (more rules!). But he is an articulate little bastard who thinks Scooby is a coward and a moron. He doesn't say, at least not yet, "Let me at 'em! Let me at 'em!" When he finally does say that, y'all should probably drink.

• I think maybe the "fur" in the title referred to Scrappy-Doo and his army of semi-intelligent, half-robot dogs.

• The bonding I thought was happening last issue happens less subtly this issue. And by less subtly, I mean Fred says, "Well, whaddayou know? You're bonding!" So see? They'll be the regular old Scooby Gang in no time! Plus Shaggy and Scooby are total pigs so at least that part of their personalities is intact.

• While looting a store, the Scooby Gang fail to notice the place being surrounded by devil creatures. So this issue is ending exactly like Issue #2 ended with monster mechanics about to attack, and exactly like Issue #3 ended with vampires about to attack. I guess if the cartoon could be formulaic, why can't the comic book?

The Opinions!
This issue didn't have enough shots of Velma's ass.

Scooby Apocalypse #3

Every cover should just be a pin-up of Velma.

The Facts!
• I should probably read the comic book instead of looking at women in Velma costumes on the Internet.

• This issue begins with the Scooby Gang driving the Mystery Machine across the Nevada desert. I guess they escaped the laboratory. I don't really remember if that happened at the end of Issue #2 or in the space between issues because it's been a long time since I read the last issue of this comic book.

• Velma bites her thumb at one point and I'm like *SWOOON!*

• The fight back in the garage is coming up soon! Apparently Fred was nearly killed and now I guess I'm supposed to want to find out how that happened. I'm not really too bothered by it, really. I'm just hoping the Scooby Gang find a laundromat soon where they'll all have to strip down to clean the one outfit they all wear.

• A few hours earlier in the Mystery Machine's garage, the Scooby Gang had to quickly come to terms with their ability to murder their fellow human beings. At least it's easy enough to rationalize because their fellow human beings look like monsters and are trying to kill them. Although by that logic, I probably have a right to kill anybody with the flu who comes near me, right? I mean, the flu can kill me so any contagious person who gets near me is threatening my life. And have you seen how horrible people look when they're sick with the flu? Just like monsters!

• I should probably consult a lawyer before I murder somebody with the flu, just in case my logic isn't as sound as I think it is.

Here's Shaggy's rationalization. Can't argue with that! I mean, I can! But I won't!

• The Scooby Gang continue to murder the people who are just suffering from a disease brought on by scientists who flew too close to the God. But they're all really anguished and upset about having to save their own lives by taking other's lives. So that makes it okay!

• Man, I really wish there had been an episode of the cartoon where Shaggy got his hands on a gun. Then when the ghost appears, he panics and shoots it in the face, blowing Old Man Smithers' brains all over the haunted wall behind him. Then the cops would have arrested Shaggy and he would have went down for manslaughter and probably placed in a haunted prison.

• Shaggy gets to shout, "Scooby Doo? Where are you?" It's totally satisfying.

• The flashback ends and Fred was never injured in any kind of way that would explain why everybody was so worried about him. Wait, let me check again to make sure. Oh yeah! It ends with Scooby Doo being outside of the Mystery Machine! So there must be more flashback where Fred goes out to save Scooby Doo and takes a shot to the head. Otherwise the only explanation for him being down and out would be that his ascot was drooled on.

• Velma isn't totally sure that the current problem is the nanite program that was created to make people more chill and brainwashery. If so, it would be her fault since she released the nanites in Issue #1 a year prior to the beginning of the apocalypse. But there's also the possibility that the four scientists she was working with manipulated her so that they could use the nanites for their own ends. That's probably what happened and now the main thrust of this story is finding those four scientists so the Scooby Gang can transform the monsters back into people instead of killing them all.

I'm tempted to make these Scooby Apocalypse commentaries just a string of sexy Velma scans. This is one of the best. I imagine she's screaming, "Put it in my ass right Goddamned now!"


This is what I scream right before I put it in the Goddamned ass!

• I'm starting to remember why I watched Scooby Doo so intently as a kid.

• Fred gets clawed in the head as we return to the flashback. I almost missed it happen because there were so many ass shots of Velma.

• The escape bonds the Scooby Gang together. So now the reader doesn't have to just think of them as wacky strangers fighting for survival. I think we're allowed to start thinking of them as friends. Which is good because their first real mystery since the apocalypse is about to bite them in the face next issue! Unless what it really wants is to scare them away from the market they're looting so it can buy up the property for cheap and dig up the treasure hidden under the floorboards.

The Opinions!
I know I'm sort of waiting for the scene of Velma in her underwear but do I really want that? Isn't it better to continue to have tantalizing glimpses of her undergarments during chaotic physical confrontations with monsters? That's hot! I'm not attracted to any of the others. Maybe if Scooby Doo weren't a dog, I'd be into him. But the others definitely aren't my types. I hope science doesn't continue to be the enemy and, in the end, the Scooby Gang discover that it wasn't Velma's nanites that turned everybody into monsters but God's wrath during the end times! Seriously, it would be more fitting for a Scooby Doo comic book to have religion as the enemy rather than science. Scooby Doo is supposed to be about logic winning out over superstition! I don't want logic and science to be the cause of the end of the world! That's moronic anti-vaxxer science-skeptic talk!

Scooby Apocalypse #2

Temperature-wise, I don't think Velma's overall outfit ever really made any sense.

The Review!
I'm not sure this comic book captures the heart and spirit of the old Scooby Doo cartoon. They're battling real monsters. Science is seen as dangerous. And they're using guns to settle conflicts. Scooby Doo is rather brave. It all just seems less...smart. And it's not like the cartoons were inscrutably high-brow! But that's the way a re-imagining of a beloved story often goes, right? As long as the characters all look like the old characters but with modern updates, it doesn't matter if the heart and soul of the concept is left intact. Velma is the smart one in the short orange skirt and orange turtle neck sweater. Daphne is the hot one in purple and green. Fred is the statuesque bit of man-meat. Shaggy is a slacker hipster doofus. Scooby is a great dane that with a speech impediment. The Mystery Machine is a van. This title has everything that identifies it as Scooby Doo! But it's not Scooby Doo at all. It has maybe a single digit percentage of the essence of the cartoon. Which, I'll admit, I'm actually fine with. Fuck that cartoon was stupid.

The Commentary!
Last issue, we learned that Velma was the only member of the team without a love interest. I guess that means she'll get to fuck all of the monsters. Normally that would be disgusting because the monsters were actually old white dudes but in the current end-of-the-world scenario of Scooby Apocalypse, the monsters will be real. That will make all of the sex scenes super sexy because monsters probably have huge penises.

Here's a thought! Remember how science was the hero of the original Scooby Doo cartoon? The bad guy always tried to use superstition, ignorance, and fear to increase his bank account but the Scooby Gang would use logic and science to put an end to his schemes. But now in Scooby Apocalypse, science and reason are the enemies! It feels like a cautionary tale about how scientists shouldn't play God because only God is seemingly allowed to fuck everything up. I always hate when people say science shouldn't play God because what science is actually doing is just playing science. It's all science! Every thing we do with science is science! Why don't we tell people who have babies to stop playing God because only God can create human beings, you blasphemous monsters!

Um, anyway, it seems science and reason have ruined the world of Scooby Apocalypse and now the Scooby Gang has to fix it. Probably with more science and reason! Because that's what science does! It comes up with solutions to problems, even if those problems were created by science. God doesn't come up with any solutions. God just sits there not existing and doing nothing about our suffering.

Um, double anyway, I imagine this comic book will continue on like the cartoon. The monsters are really just people except this time instead of wearing masks, they've been mutated by nanites. So the Scooby Gang is going to have to go around "unmasking" the bad guys which basically just means curing them of their condition and returning them to their old selves. But now instead of just one old greedy man per town, they're probably going to have to unmask just about every single person on earth. This comic book might run for a long time.

Pretty soon, the Gang meet their first real monster.

That's definitely not a rich old white speculator in a rubber mask.

Unlike on the cartoon where the Gang get to deal with one threat at a time, now they've got an entire world to deal with. The monitors show the complex they're trapped in overrun with monster people and their victims. So not everybody transformed into monsters. That's good because that means the Gang doesn't have to unmask the entire world. I bet as long as they defeat the four scientists behind the nanite plague, who have probably become big boss monsters, they'll save the world. It's also possibly the exact opposite and the Gang will have to collect all four scientists and bring them to the complex to turn the nanites on so that everybody becomes docile sheep. This whole monster thing might just be a side-effect of the initial nanites Velma let loose a year ago.

I wonder if this Scooby Apocalypse is what turned the world into Wacky Racelands?

Imagine if the Scooby Gang resorted to guns in the cartoon? They'd have been arrested for manslaughter after the first episode! Or, if they got away each week, they'd be serial killers!

On the way out, Daphne kills her first monster who was also a person and maybe could have been cured. I guess this would have been the fate of any modern Scooby Doo antagonists, right? You put on a creepy mask and act like a monster scaring folks, you're going to get shot in the face.

Velma tries to calm Daphne down by telling her she had to kill the monster woman or it was going to kill Scooby. Oh. So a dog's life is more important than a human life?! Really? I mean, sure, I think so but most people probably don't and I'd rather feel animosity toward the comic book I'm reading rather than kinship, so I have to act offended at the suggestion. Although maybe a dog's life is more important than a mutated human's life? I can totally accept that! Especially since, as I noted, I already think a dog's life is worth more than a human's.

The Gang crawl through the vents so they don't have to kill more humans until they get to the garage and the experimental vehicle, the Mystery Machine! This one's painted military green so it's not very groovy. Yet! I'm sure they can find some paints up in the ruins of Blazing Man.

Before the Gang can get inside the Mystery Machine, they're ambushed by monsters in the rafters. Or mechanics. Whatever. The murder and mayhem will have to wait until next issue.

Scooby Apocalypse #1

I wanted the Velma cover but couldn't find it.

The Review or Whatever!
If I could boil my goals down to a simple statement, it would probably be this: I want to have sex with every Velma cosplayer. Or maybe just the most famous one, Linda Cardellini. Can you believe Velma had sex with Don Draper?! Wow, I just realized how easily I get distracted. Also how easily I give up on my goals! Why would I accept only having sex with one Velma when I really just want to have sex with all of them?! Who would I have to cosplay to get the best chance of hooking up with a Velma? Scooby? Fred? Daphne? Shaggy? The Mystery Machine? You know what I mean when I say "Mystery Machine" in a sexy context, right?

If it weren't for my sexual desire for Velma, I probably would have ignored this comic book. Although I have a soft spot for Keith Giffen for some reason. I think it's because he always recycles the same jokes so I can easily understand his writing. Although sometimes his dialogue is really hard to follow when he goes off script and doesn't rehash jokes. Also, he's always writing with J.M. DeMatteis, so why am I giving Giffen all of the credit? Especially when the credits, if they break it down, usually give the scripting credit to DeMatteis.

Why am I talking about Giffen and his hack buddy?! Let's remember what this comic book is really about: Velma!

SWOON!

Let's play a teeny, tiny drinking game! Here are the rules: if there's a reference to Scrappy Doo being dead in the Scooby Apocalypse, drink until you die.

Oh wait! There's a second possibility in this game! If Scrappy was the cause of the Apocalypse, or is the ultimate bad guy, never drink again.

I suppose if Scrappy Doo isn't mentioned at all, you can go on with your life as normal. But why would you want to since you're making such a terrible go of it? I would consider some serious changes if I were you.

I just turned the page to the credits page and, as I mentioned, J.M. DeMatteis gets credit for the dialogue. Also for the more dialogue. They like to make the jokes in the credits. The same jokes. Remember that thing I said about recycled jokes? It all begins in the credits!

The credits also say, "Based on a concept by Jim Lee." So he thought up Scooby Doo? Or dystopian literature? Or was he walking through his house one day when he noticed his dog shitting on an issue of Transmetropolitan and the light bulb came on?

It looks like after the sexy Velma scene from the previous year, the action jumps to Fred and Daphne at Future Burning Man. It looks a lot like 1997 Burning Man.

The only thing crazy and unexpected that happens at Burning Man is when people trade sex with the guys who pump out the port-a-potties for free RV sewage removal.

Just to point out how much of a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader I am (because people constantly doubt my authenticity), I guessed they were at a Burning Manesque festival before the Blazing Man mention. Hell, I guessed before reading any dialogue at all! I probably guessed two years ago!

Daphne has a failing television show called Daphne Blake's Mysterious Mysteries and Fred is her cameraman who has a secret crush on her. They're hoping to find a mystery at Burning Man. How about finding out how anybody can afford to go anymore?

Shaggy works for some secret agency that creates things like Scooby Doo. Velma also works for them but she's ready to blow the whistle on whatever they're up to that might end the world. Maybe giving cats the same abilities and intelligence and hunger as Scooby Doo? Oh! I bet she's trying to stop them before they unleash Project Scrappy! Hurry, Velma! Blow that whistle and bend way over so I can see your...oh. Um. Uh, Velma heads out to tell Daphne about the mysterious mystery of the secret agency she works for.

I'm so envious of Fred's view right now! Um, I mean because he's in the beautiful desert amid a colorful crowd of crazies, you creep!

Scooby Doo rushes off to save Velma from Fred's prying eyes and Shaggy tags along. Now the whole Scooby Gang are together and ready for a mystery to solve!

Velma leads the Gang into the secret agency's secret lair and tells them what the big world ending danger is: nanites. Oh fuck! Of course that's what the danger is! That's always what the fucking danger is! That's the concept Jim Lee came up with?! I knew I should have been wary about a concept thought up by one of Image's founders! For all the good Image eventually wound up doing, its founders began with a steaming pile of shit pizza. And while Jim Lee has grown by leaps and bounds as a business man--one I would thoroughly admire if I admired business men at all--he apparently still has the imagination of the guy who thought up WildC.A.T.S. Unless it was W.I.L.D.cats. I think it was the former. Or do I mean latter? Never mind! Let's get back to Velma and her short skirt!

Velma points out that the nanites are already loose in the world and inside everybody. All that's left is the four lead scientists--it seems it used to be five but it looks like Velma got demoted--to key in some activation code that will turn everybody into passive slaves willing to accept gun control and Jesus Christ as their lord and savior. Fred makes a joke about Daphne's show and she punches him in the face. Because violence perpetrated on somebody when all they did was speak their mind is hilarious!

While Velma is discussing stopping the end of the world, the end of the world takes place. Whoops! I guess the Scooby Gang now has plenty of monsters topside to pull masks off of and expose the wealthy white heterosexual man underneath!

There's a back-up feature about how Shaggy met Subject 24602, or Jean Valjean's dog, I guess. It's love at first meal!

I was really excited about Future Quest and not that enthusiastic about a Scooby Doo book. But after reading both, my opinions have reversed. I'll definitely keep buying this book for the time being while Future Quest is done. Possibly. Maybe I'll give it another month or two. I hope the Wacky Races book lives up to my love of that cartoon! I've got that one on DVD!