Green Lantern #19 (December 1991)

I forgot how huge Alan Scott was.

I had this theory when I was a wee lad that everything in the past was immensely bigger due to atoms and the things inside atoms (quantum guts?) squeezing together more and more as time moved forward. So the Earth was much more massive but still on the same scale according to the other planets we observe today. I don't know what my theory was trying to prove. Why dinosaur bones are so massive? That giants actually did exist like the Bible tells us? That the universe was actually shrinking? Perhaps I just didn't understand the concept of theories. What I'm trying to explain is that younger me would have totally understood this cover. "Of course Alan Scott is massive! He's from the '40s! People in the '40s were way bigger than modern folk It's all in my book, 'The Squash Principle' which I wrote when I was six."

Another theory I had was that déjà vu was due to the unending cyclical nature of the universe and how we continually live the same lives over and over again. I think I told my friend Bobby Henline that theory at a sleepover at his place one night when we were like eleven. He probably just responded, "MAGA! Guns, guns, guns! You're fired!" No, wait. That's Bobby Henline now! I can see how I could get mixed up though, due to the cyclical and repeating nature of the universe. It's sometimes hard to remember what part of your life you're currently living.

This great big anniversary edition begins with John Stewart trying to take away the freedom of some long-necked blue aliens who love to murder Blobels.

Maybe they hate Blobels. But maybe they love killing Blobels! How can they do that behind their own borders? Fascist!

I don't think we've seen these aliens before. They're too weird to be recurring characters. They've got those weird Satyr legs and ankles and long llama necks and big fat thick wormy tails coming directly out of their groins. Hmm, maybe they're not tails. Also maybe their necks aren't necks and their heads aren't heads! I'm making a lot of assumptions based on my humanoid biases! For all I know, each finger could be a big fat swollen clitoris and their eyes could be glassy membranes holding back their bowel movements! I'm not the only one that's suddenly horny, right?

Being an anniversary issue, the proper way to fill the extra pages is to have the character think about how they got to this point in their lives. This was 1991 so you needed a lot of extra room to explain a character's past over the last few decades. Unlike, say, in 2011 when you've jettisoned all of that baggage and hired Scott Lobdell to write fantastic first pages that begin, "My name is Superboy. I'm a boy who is super." Why didn't anybody come up with such succinct introductions before that?!

John remembers how he's an architect and how he's a back-up, back-up Green Lantern and how he married Katma Tui and how Star Sapphire killed Katma Tui and how he became a miserable wreck who couldn't pay attention to his job and got an entire planet killed. That only takes up five panels and gives a lot of information quickly and in a personal way. Could it be Lobdell's method was actually a step backwards in story telling?!

After telling the reader about himself, John goes on to aggrandize both Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner. Yeah, I know! He actually thinks up some nice things to say about Hal Jordan!

Oh, you probably thought it would be harder to think up nice things about Guy, didn't you?

Pre-brain-damaged Guy was a way better person than Hal Jordan. I would also point out that Hal Jordan has become a much better person since Emerald Dawn but why bother? Everybody already loves him so much. "Mmm, mmm, Hal Jordan! You're so bold and perfect and square-jawed! And your dick is huge! I can't get enough of your dick, Hal Jordan! Mmm! Mmm! So good!" You know, Guy's got a dick too! Maybe if it were stroked a little more often, he wouldn't be so irate and moody!

John Stewart's spiraling about why he was chosen to keep order on the Mosaic world (which used to be Oa). He comes to the conclusion that he's the most exploitable because he's the best student. Man, do I feel that! I remember one time in typing class on a Friday when we were always allowed to do our own work but Mr. Gary, knowing I was the best typist, wanted me to type up some worksheets for him. I'm not sure what I said to him in the moment because I was enraged but it amounted to "Fuck off, pudding man." Later that class, he asked my friend Paul what was wrong with me and I think Paul's answer was a simple shrug as opposed to Paul's entire theory of all the fucked up shit that was wrong with me. Because he wanted so badly to be my friend! And he still is! Thanks, Paul!

John's moping turns into "John has a vision."

Is it a vision or is it just a hallucination brought on by touching blue llama Satyr finger clit sweat?

John is right. The Justice Society disappeared forever ago. Was it due to Crisis on Infinite Earths or did it happen before that? Probably Crisis seeing as how the Justice Society were on a whole different Earth. So when did we learn that they were trapped in a bottle battling Ragnarokian beetles with paddles in a muddy puddle paddle beetle bottle battle?

Instead of assuming that he'd eaten some alien psychedelic something or other, John decides Alan Scott actually visited him in a vision. I guess architects don't believe in Occam's Razor. Although how well does Occam's Razor actually work as a means of understanding the world when you live in a comic book?! In a comic book, usually the most wildly inconceivable answer is the correct one. Anyway, John rushes off to Earth to stop looking for scars although, um, isn't that just what he's doing? The Earth is the past, man! Suck it up and become a citizen of Mosaic already! Stop miring yourself in the past, especially the super duper old past from the '40s!

Chapter Two concerns Hal Jordan. He's still recruiting for the Corps and while doing so, he finds himself on a planet ruled by Alan Scott's old buddie, Doiby Dickles. This comic book wasn't kidding about celebrating fifty years of DC history! Even if we're on the other side of Crisis on Infinite Earths. I suppose it would be hard to have a 50th anniversary celebration if you kept reminding everybody at the party that you threw the majority of the first 45 years into the bin five years ago.

Doiby turned a good portion of his planet into the Brooklyn of the '40s and '50s. He also taught everybody on the planet to speak like a '50s New York bum. I don't mean a houseless person! I mean a bum! As in what you'd call some no-good jerk neighbor in the '50s! Although they were probably all, "I'm calling this guy a bum because I don't understand how people can become down on their luck. And what I don't understand scares me!"

Anyways, I'm skipping over most of the Doiby stuff because who the fuck cares about Doiby Dickles and his old timey way of life? I was probably bored by it in 1991 so I'm absurdly bored by it in 2024. I seriously hope Chapter Three doesn't have Guy Gardner discussing the past with Pieface.

The "help" Doiby is about to suggest is Alan Scott.

Hal points out to Doiby that Alan Scott disappeared years ago. I don't know how Doiby didn't also disappear. I'm fucking surprised Hal Jordan even remembers Doiby and Alan. I'm pretty sure they should have ceased to exist in the DC Universe by 1991.

Alan Scott appears in a vision to Hal and Doiby too. He tells Hal to seek him out. So he and Doiby hop in Doiby's space cab and head to Earth to find some answers. Why Earth? Because Alan Scott didn't leave them any clues to his current whereabouts except that he was an Earth-based Green Lantern that wasn't affiliated with the Corps.

Time for Guy Gardner and Chapter Three! Guy only gets to pout for a couple of panels before Alan Scott appears to him because the entire last issue was a Guy Gardner issue. Some readers were probably sick of him by this point. Not me. I can't get enough Guy Gardner, even when he's written like a total Republican.

I'm not going to express what I'm pretty sure Guy's reaction to this was being that it was basically written in the '80s.

Guy Gardner's reaction wasn't to flaunt his Gaydar but to exclaim, "That was weird! It doesn't seem wise to follow that gay ghost guy. But it might be exciting!" So Guy flies back down to Earth (he was messing around in orbit obliterating small heavenly bodies) to investigate the disappearance of Alan Scott (who wasn't expressly gay in 1991 but we all saw his choice of collars. Most heterosexuals weren't that big on camp back then). Guy's first stop: visit Alan's children, Jade and Obsidian! That probably won't help because aren't they still super confused about how they exist on this Earth post-Crisis anyway?! Man, I really need to re-read Crisis on Infinite Earths. And probably that follow-up series about the complete history of the DCU which was all, "This is how it is now. We know you hate it. But you have to accept it. At least until Zero Hour and Infinite Crisis and 52 and The New 52 and Rebirth and whatever else we eventually come up with to fuck canon in its every orifice."

Todd and Jennifer-Lynn don't know shit about what became of their father. They suggest Guy go see Harlequin. That's when John arrives and says, "Maybe we should go see Harlequin." Then they run into Hal and Doiby on their way to see Harlequin. So they all go knock on Harlequin's door together, forgetting she's an old woman. She probably won't freak out too badly about three Green Lanterns showing up at her door. But seeing Doiby Dickles? Ugh. Gross. I'd rather blow out my rectum straining on a rock hard opiate shit.

I don't know what I have against Doiby Dickles. Let's play a game! I'll scan a picture of Doiby and you decide for yourselves what I have against him!

Doiby's the short fucker in the stupid hat with the irritating look on his dopey face.

The Harlequin (not to be confused with Harley Quinn who isn't old and not sexy) shows the Lanterns and fuckfart a message that Alan Scott left on the wall of their house: "I am needed. I will return, I promise you!" I'm not sure about that comma. But what do I know? I only have a college degree in Reading Shit. Maybe if I'd gotten a degree in Writing Shit, I'd know how to use commas correctly.

Old Harls pulls out Alan's old lantern that has nothing to do with the Guardians of the Universe to show the other Lanterns that wherever he is, he's got to be out of power by now. But then the lantern (which always has power? Why even bother with a ring? Just carry the lantern around!) conjures up an image of Alan Scott and confesses that it was the one who contacted them because it was lonely.

It sounds like Alan was fucking his lantern.

Not knowing when the lantern was last cleaned, nobody wants to fuck it. So they figure they'd better find Alan Scott and get his dick back to his wife and mistress so the lantern stops bothering everybody.

Did Alan Scott invent the fleshlight?

Guy Gardner says what everybody was thinking (including me!): How fucking lucky was Alan Scott to have a Green Lantern ring but no bosses? And his weakness was to wood instead of yellow. I bet wood is far less common to have to deal with because what super villain goes around hitting people with wood? Other than The Floronic Man and Mister Cricket (copyright me!)? Alan's lantern decides to show him how it came to be and how Alan got the cushiest Green Lantern gig in the DC Universe.

Chapter Four recounts Alan Scott's origin.

Was this drawn by a 4th grader who won some kind of DC sweepstakes?

Oh shit. This section was drawn by Martin Nodell, the creator of Alan Scott! I'm such a fucking asshole. Why couldn't I have had a mother who would often tell me, "If you can't write something nice, don't write anything at all"? Instead I got a mother who constantly yelled, "Get that slut out of this house!" So unfair.

The Green Lanterns are boggled by this Yalan Gur. Not because he looks more idiotic than Howard the Duck but because his ring works against both yellow and wood! And he's not bothering to follow any of the rules handed down by the Guardians of the Universe! He's a fucking maverick! This guy's my new favorite Green Lantern! I wonder why stupid 20 year old me didn't fall in love with duck-faced Yalan Gur when I first read this? What an idiot I was.

You know what the Guardians also told you not to do? Kill an entire planet of aliens, you bootlicker!

Alan Scott's battery explains that Yalan Gur was the teacher's pet. The Guardians loved this guy (and rightly so!). But then he was nearly killed by a yellow monster and the Guardians were all, "Maybe we shouldn't have created the yellow flaw? Was that a stupid idea? Should we take it out?" And so they did! But just for their favorite boy, Yalan!

Right? Fuck those little blue assholes!

You know what? I'm really enjoying Marty's cartoony pages. Also he was 76 by this time and really hadn't done a whole lot of comic book work in the last few decades. I wonder if DC paid him for this? I'm sure his creator credit meant nothing, having been established in 1940. They probably had him do this work for free and made it sound like some kind of honor. Hell, Mart should have received royalties his entire life on every single character based on his versions of the Green Lantern. That includes all the stupid aliens over the years like Chaselon and Ch'p.

Yalan Gur begins to fuck with the population of the Earth, forcing them into chaos at every turn. Eventually the Guardians grow sick of his cocky bullshit and decide to make him vulnerable to the simple stick after which he was killed. Although not by sticks or wood. He got angry at the Guardians and then forgot to protect himself as he re-entered Earth's atmosphere which, surprisingly, isn't made of wood. I'm not going to question the inconsistencies of a comic book written in the '40s (I'm assuming this isn't totally new shit so that I don't have to rage at how stupid it is). They were actually being written for kids back then! You think kids need canon and consistency and logic in their fantasy stories? No way! That's why they're so much better than me and you. I'm assuming you're an adult. If you're not, you really shouldn't be fucking reading this, kid. Go to bed.

So Yalan Gur's lantern remained on Earth causing trouble until Yalan Gur's soul repented its sins and Alan Scott found the lantern which still retained its weakness against wood. And maybe for burning up on re-entering Earth's atmosphere.

When the Lanterns return to the present (they weren't just being told the story of Yalan Gur; they were witnessing it first-hand via time travel. Is Alan's battery the most powerful Green Lantern battery?), Hal and John explain the lessons they've learned. Guy does too. Sort of. He sarcastically expresses the lessons he should have learned before fucking off to beat up Despero. And, well, that's it! Nobody finds Alan Scott. Nobody confiscates the time traveling Green Lantern battery. Nobody explains to Jade and Obsidian what the fuck is going on. They just go back to their jobs having done absolutely fuck all.

Green Lantern #19 Rating: C. Too long! Too boring! Nothing happened! The only good thing about this issue was Yalan Gur whom I absolutely had forgotten about but remembered instantly upon seeing Mart Nodell's caricature of him. I re-read the Green Lantern Quarterly comics a few years ago and already can't remember much about them (except that Scott Lobdell wrote one of the stories, maybe the one about that Jack guy?) so now I'm wondering if Yalan Gur got any stories in that comic? Now I want to go back and check!

Green Lantern #18 (November 1991)

When I was younger and full of pep and verve, I would have Photoshopped this cover to say, "ONE HORNY GUY!"

Never mind. As you can see (and which probably confused you for a moment or more), I did it anyway. My Photoshop skills have begun to stagnate so maybe I should return to the dictum of my younger days: "If I think it, I do it!" As you can imagine, that's led me into some pretty wild situations, like eating string beans or walking barefoot in grass. Fucking crazy times.

This is the original cover if anybody was curious.

The reason I thought, "ONE HORNY GUY!", was that my first reaction upon seeing this Franzetta-inspired cover was, "Did Guy Gardner just fuck his way through the Oan sciencells?" According to the cover (the one I manipulated), he has just done exactly that. So that's what this issue will be about. Guy fucking every Green Lantern villain. I hope he skullfucks Hector Hammond. Baby got back (of the head).

I haven't posted a review since the day before that violence-solves-problems guy was killed while shooting at Trump so I can understand if some of you were worried that that had been me. I will not refer to it as an "attempted assassanation" because that sort of implies the target was important and not a sentient fart in a poorly tailored suit. I also haven't been away for three weeks because it takes me that long to Photoshop one comic book cover. I just had some work stuff I was dealing with! Also I'm lazy! And it's been really fucking hot!

Speaking of people who think the ultimate problem solver is violence, Guy Gardner seems on the verge of climbing a roof across from the United Nations.

Of course Breakdowns began with some guy shooting Max Lord in the head and it didn't solve any problems. It just created this problem that's got Guy pissed off. Although for the person trying to kill Max, I guess it solved their problem of the Justice League continuing to operate even though they kept sneaking over international borders to instigate regime changes in Bialya. Which is probably breaking international law but when you're living in a country that invented the CIA, it's just another afternoon tea party.

Guy is right though. Not about the violence but about being controlled by the United Nations. He serves a greater authority. Not in the way people usually mean that when they're all, "I serve a greater authority!", and then you learn that the "greater authority" they're talking about is a historical delusion and believing that It exists should actually be categorized as a mental illness (I capitalized "It" not because I believe in the Christian God but because I'm a very respectful Boy). No, Guy serves the Guardians of the Universe which, if you believe in logic, trumps the United Nations by a number so many factors of ten greater that the United Nations would be reduced to zero if this were a math problem. Because the Universe is like the United Galaxies and galaxies are much bigger than nations.

After quitting the Justice League (which was just disbanded by the United Nations anyway), Guy smells his fingers.

Only a few reasons exist as to why Guy would smell his fingers and they're all gross (even if some of them could be quite sexy) so I'm not going to get into it.

G'nort approaches Guy as he leaves and freely expresses how he'd like to rub off on Guy. General consensus being that G'nort isn't just doglike but actually a space dog, my supposition is that somewhere in some comic (probably one in the modern age drawn by Simon Bisley and written by Gail Simone), G'nort humps Guy's leg. To completion.

This comic book came out in 1991 and has thought bubbles. I just mention it because sometime soon, maybe around the mid-90s, they all but disappear in favor of "Narration Boxes" where you get the protagonist's inner feelings about the moment but spoken in a way that's outside of the present moment, usually sounding like a commentary on a DVD, or somebody remembering an old story. I prefer thought bubbles because they're of the moment and honest and don't try to express far more than what the character is thinking at the time. Narration Boxes tend to wax philosophically on theme and meaning, expressing much more than the reader needs to know. They almost feel like a writer's crutch, knowing that the story they've written and the artist has drawn won't express the thing they want the reader to believe they're expressing. They're like an artist's manifesto posted next to their modern art piece which tells the reader exactly what they're supposed to think and feel while looking at the art.

Also, I mention thought bubbles because this is one of the things Guy thinks:

Now all I can picture is Ice humping Guy's leg and it's making me need to take a, um, bathroom break followed by a nap.

Not that I think Ice is a gutless weenie! But I'm sure Guy thinks Ice is a gutless weenie.

G'nort realizes Guy's feeling down because Guy has become DC's punching bag for every righteous hero. If they're not beating the shit out of Lobo to prove they can beat the sexiest threat in the DC Universe, they're beating the shit out of Guy Gardner because writers have made his character so unlikeable that all fans want to see is Guy getting knocked out. G'nort believes Guy needs some action to cheer up. But who can Guy fight when no writer at DC wants to see Guy act like a hero? Oh wait! I know! Every villain in the Oan Sciencells! And Gerard Jones will let him win because why not? It's time to revamp Guy's attitude and turn him into the greatest Green Lantern to ever live! Right before he loses the ring and becomes Guy Gardner, Warrior!

How did I ever like Guy Gardner? I never realized how much writers loved to make him spout Republican talking points.

I don't know why that homeless guy looks like a demon. Maybe Guy Gardner is currently flying through an issue of Hellblazer.

Guy Gardner winds up at a carnival where some lady named Kari who seems to have a romantic history with Guy works as a fortune teller. I don't remember her but that's probably because she's from the '70s or early '80s. I do own the issue where Guy Gardner winds up in a coma but I don't remember it much. It seems Kari misses the old Guy, a man of honor and sacrifice. But Guy doesn't miss the old Guy because the new Guy suffers from brain damage that doesn't allow him to identify with the person he once was. He just sees him as a beta male.

Guy wound up here because some person named Goldface wanted to see Guy again. They once adventured together in the anti-matter universe of Qward and Goldface remembers it fondly. But Guy remembers it differently. Mostly because Goldface is a super villain working with other super villains who have escaped the Oan Sciencells.

Does Guy choose the heroic thing or the violent thing? Don't bother answering, Anonymous. That's a rhetorical question.

Surprisingly, Guy doesn't win this battle against a guy covered in gold that shoots gold beams. Wait. Did I mean unsurprisingly? I don't fucking know. What happens is that the fight winds up in a draw and Goldface walks away because he didn't do anything except offer Guy a job and defend himself against Guy's attack. So now Guy feels even more impotent than when this issue began. Maybe even more impotent because of his old flame Kari who was all, "You're a terrible Guy Gardner who couldn't turn my Underoos into a foggy swamp no matter how hard you tried!" And she would know because she's a fortune teller.

By the end of the issue, Guy's beginning to realize he needs to make some changes in his life. How much do you want to bet that one of those changes won't be therapy? If not getting help from a therapist is good enough for Batman, not getting mental health help is good enough for Guy Gardner too!

Green Lantern #18 Rating: C. Not only did Guy not fuck all of the villains in the Oan Sciencells, he didn't even battle them! He didn't even see any of them! But he did learn that they were freed by the Mad Guardian in the hopes that they'd bring more villains back to Oa to be the Mad Guardian's friends. They did not do that. They just formed a little club with Goldface to become some kind of future threat. Ultimately, we saw no Angry Guy and no Horny Guy. We just saw a Lost Guy who realizes being the violent anti-hero who never actually helps anybody just isn't working anymore. Did it ever work? I suppose some idiots in their late teens and early twenties swooned over him like little hateful twats. I really wish I hadn't been one of them! I didn't realize how much of an asshole every DC writer made Guy out to be. I can't even imagine young me, who was definitely more full of toxic masculinity (because I had yet to be exposed to literature like Age of Innocence and Vanity Fair and Middlemarch and Beloved and "Melenctha" and a whole fucking host of other works that helped build my empathy past my love and compassion of cats), liking the Guy Gardner I've been reading all this time. I can only understand it in the sense that I was prone to putting people up on pedestals and imagining the version of them that I wanted them to be. I'm mostly talking about the girls I had crushes on in school but I think it extends to male characters I was drawn to, like Guy and Lobo. One of my biggest crushes that came out of comic books was Foxfur, one of Skywise's pre-Madcoil girlfriends, and how much page time did she get? Five panels at most?!

Justice League America #37 (April 1990)

Intruder? They do know that's Booster's left hand, don't they?

I remember this cover from thirty years ago but damned if I remember the story on the inside. I probably even talked about how much I liked Adam Hughes' art way back then but, having forgotten nearly every moment of my life to the point that I don't think I can even call myself myself anymore, his name never stayed with me. Maybe this time it will and I can remember how much I love his art all the way to the grave!

This issue is called "Furballs!" which is probably a play on Spaceballs. It's only a play on the title of that movie if you somehow remembered Spaceballs was a film at the moment you read "Furballs" but, being Giffen and DeMatteis are behind this issue, it checks out as a hilarious reference. Anyway it's funny without any context simply because it has the word "balls" in the title (and fur on balls to boot!). Plus as we saw with the Justice League Europe annual (for those reading my posts in chronological order as you should be doing), the Paris Embassy cat mascot should be making an appearance. I know this isn't the Europe comic but according to the "Next Month" blurb of Justice League Europe #12, this issue and JLE #13 are a mini-crossover.

Speaking of the cat, the intruder could be the cat because both Beetle and Booster are reacting on this cover the same way my high school best friend Paul, who was terrified of cats, always reacted when my cat Smaug would approach him.

After Booster and Beetle stole all of the money in the League's account to fund their island resort casino (which they lost when the island turned out to be a living creature and Major Disaster bankrupted the casino playing Blackjack with his Rainman buddy Big Sir), they've been relegated to continual clean-up duty around the New York Embassy. Booster Gold isn't happy about it but it doesn't stop Blue Beetle from continuing to make old timey references.

It seems crazy to me that they'd reference Hazel from 1961 in a 1990 comic book but I suppose that would be like me making a casual The X-Files reference now.

Maybe the reference just feels older because Hazel was unwatchable in 1990 but The X-Files is still sort-of watchable. And by "unwatchable," I actually mean "unlistenable" because I wanted to jam pencils in my ears every time I heard Shirley Booth's voice.

I just watched a clip of Hazel for five seconds to see if her voice was as I remembered it and her portrayal made me laugh out loud. So maybe I should apologize for saying it was unwatchable! At least she wasn't upstaged by massive shoulder pads and a gigantic cell phone. That's my old timey The X-Files reference!

Booster Gold throws a huge tantrum because he's tired of being broke, disrespected, and trapped in the 20th Century. Can he not time travel because Skeets is broken? Or did he time travel some other way, like in one of those Legion bubble things? I might know the answer to this if I owned more than six non-sequential issues of Booster Gold. I also don't know why Blue Beetle is broke because I don't think I ever owned any of his comic books at all.

Meanwhile, an alien composed mostly of hate, teeth, and soliloquys re-forms in orbit around Neptune. It's hate seems to be focused on the Justice League because that makes it easier for the Justice League to wind up battling it. If it were simply hating Earth, Giffen and DeMatteis would have to write all that boring stuff about it attacking Earth and then waste some pages on The Huntress stuck on monitor duty and then waste a few more pages where the rest of the team learns about the alien from The Huntress. Having the alien come back to life already hating the Justice League is a nice shortcut. Now the Justice League just have to sit around the embassy waiting for the alien to come to them. It was probably killed by Superman and Wonder Woman though so it's really going to be surprised at how easily defeated this current Justice League will be.

This is the guy who was rooting through the Justice League's garbage in a previous issue. Now that he took his beard off, you can see he's some guy without a beard.

Am I supposed to somehow recognize the guy stealing the Justice League's garbage to write some kind of tell-all book about them? Is it Jack Ryder? It certainly isn't Clark Kent although wouldn't that be something?! Whoever he is, he only steals one trash can because the drunk cat is in the other one. The cat sneaks inside when Guy Gardner checks the alley to make sure no bums are stealing their garbage. And I guess the cat is yellow because Guy doesn't notice it. Is that how the Green Lantern weakness works? Close enough.

The cat walks in on Fire and she explodes into nakedness. She sets her whole room on fire but somehow finds the time to grab a towel. Stupid Comics Code Authority! Can't even allow a slight hint of green areola?! Guy Gardner comes to her rescue and discovers he's not quite up to battling a feral yellow cat.

Too bad G'nort was kicked out of the Embassy last issue, what with him being a dog and all.

Guy manages to subdue it and teleports it over to the European embassy. So that's the entirety of the cross-over?! The dumb cat! I mean the totally cute cat who is probably my favorite character from this point on!

Booster Gold meets somebody named Claire Montgomery to see if he might work with her because he's fed up with the Justice League. Does she have something to do with The Conglomerate? Is that about to happen?! I have a feeling that even in 1990, I had no idea what was going on. Tired of being a joke in this timeline and seemingly having no recourse to currently jump to a new one, Booster Gold decides to quit the League. This must be when he starts up The Conglomerate! I wonder if I own any of those issues?

Justice League America #37 Rating: B. This issue was all about the cat, I guess? Unless it was actually just about seeding the issue with future story arcs, like the guy digging through their garbage and Booster Gold quitting and Fire needing to go shopping for more clothes and, of course, the cat! The pitch for this issue was probably just, "What if Guy Gardner gets his ass handed to him by a stray cat?" And everybody was all, "Great! A new way to humiliate Guy Gardner whom we obviously created simply to torture!" This is what happens in a media format where writers are constantly taking over for each other. If you write a character that other writers can't stand and would love to see get their comeuppance, the character is simply going to wind up in a long string of stories where they're utterly humiliated! It's not cool, man! Can we please have a writer who can make poor disabled Guy Gardner sympathetic?! At least stop having him sexually harass every woman in the League!

Justice League America #36 (March 1990)

Some people can't look at this cover without feeling aroused.

I didn't mean to suggest I'm "some people." I absolutely do not get off on crushing small animals. I'm one of those absolutely cynical assholes who finds nothing sacred but who also can't stand to see any animals come to harm. So, you know, a sociopath. The other day I was talking about the movie Pig with the Non-Certified Spouse and my voice began shaking and I began tearing up. That same day, somebody I follow on Twitter linked to the Seamus Heaney poem, "The Early Purges", and by the very first line, I was fucking sobbing. It's an incredible poem and I absolutely hate it and you should never read it if you haven't and I'm sorry for even mentioning it here. And Pig may be the best movie I saw in 2021 while also being the most traumatic thing to happen to me that year. Recommending a movie like Pig, I take the same stance I did when friends asked me if they should try LSD: "Look. I love it but I can't recommend it to you because I don't know how you'd react to the experience." Is part of being a sociopath also finding extreme value in art that completely fucks you up? Maybe it's just my age. I'm so inured to the constant yet mundane daily violences of life that I need terrible and catastrophic experiences through art to even feel anything at all. You put a trigger warning on something, and I'm all over it! Except that the trigger warning is like Kevlar, encasing me in a protective vest so that my mind can soften the impact of whatever the warning suggests. I find more value in a work of art if I'm not warned about what that art might do to me. Let me in raw! Not only am I asking to not be wrapped in a protective layer, I'm asking for my skin to be peeled away and my raw nerve endings exposed! I need to fucking feel something! And boy howdy did Pig sucker punch the fuck out of my heart!

Fuck. I re-read that poem and now I'm snotting all over the place. Maybe this story about G'nort will be diametrically opposite in the way it makes me feel so I can balance my emotions back to "constantly numb." What is the opposite of horrific grief? Hopefully it's inexplicable rage because that's usually what most comic books make me feel. And the odds of feeling that with G'nort as the protagonist are pretty fucking good.

If you think my rage explodes because of the character, you've got that other proverbial think coming. I fucking hate how writers, especially Giffen and DeMatties, treat the poor guy.

Rude.

Let's not pretend I've never called G'nort an idiot (and the implied subject of that sentence is "I" as in "I shouldn't pretend" because I know anybody who has read any of my bullshit wasn't pretending I've never called G'nort (and every single other character in the DC Universe) an idiot). But sometimes I need to let a cloud of clarity drift down around my brain which forces me to realize G'nort has been treated unfairly. As Jessica Rabbit once said something of the sort in reference to her huge tits or something: "I blame the fucking artist!" Nailed that quote. Anyway, poor G'nort gets treated like shit by the writers who wrote him in a way that allows them to feel justified in treating him like shit. Hopefully this issue will be that issue where they're all, "You know what? Maybe we're being dicks. Let's maybe stop being dicks. Let's allow G'nort to save the day for once without treating him as if he's just a stupid mutt!"

Never mind. Let's just keep the status quo.

Granted, that was how G'nort is first introduced in this comic. I guess if they're possibly going to change their attitude toward him this issue, the writers have got to establish the vulgarly low base line, even going so far as to show G'nort has been driven to a point where he's accepted his "Earth dog" status. Maybe he'll re-appropriate the slur (although why we, as humans, have decided calling somebody a "dog" is an insult makes absolutely no sense. If I had a loyal, excited friend full of wonder and energy, why would it be an insult to call them a dog?! Oh wait. I just remembered dogs eat their own shit. Never mind).

G'nort has been wandering Earth because Martian Manhunter is apparently a much bigger dick than I thought. For some reason, I had it in my head that he was the calm, cool, logical Justice League member who kept everything running smoothly. But he's really an easily annoyed, quick-tempered, gluttonous asshole. I should have been keeping track of how many times he's snapped at his colleagues. He even snapped at G'nort, according to G'nort here, telling G'nort to "Take a hike, G'nort. A very long hike." But G'nort has grown bored and it's time to test J'onn's patience again!

Meanwhile somewhere in deep space, a being known as The Scarlet Skier (who is probably a parody of Black Racer and Silver Surfer but whom I'm going to take seriously, just in case. It's like when you see somebody playing an instrument on a street corner and you stand around pretending to be super into it just in case they're a famous person. You don't want to be one of those people who get caught not appreciating amazing music! And I don't want to be the kind of person who gets caught not finding value in intelligently written comic book characters) has been let out of L.E.G.I.O.N. jail. The first thing on his list of things to do after getting out of jail is to get revenge on the Green Lantern who put him in jail. I would probably choose something less strenuous but then I've never been in prison. Maybe you just get so angry sitting there you can't think of anything except eventually punching the do-gooder jerk who put you there right in their smug face. Also their stupid and ugly face in this case because G'nort was the Green Lantern that put him there.

I should apologize to G'nort for that comment. That comment was more aimed at the jerks drawing G'nort who have decided he should look like the kind of dog only 3 out of 10 people "Ooh!" and "Aww!" over (like a Pug or a Chihuahua) or the writers who have decided he should be the dumbest Green Lantern in existence (after Guy and Hal, of course). I truly have empathy for G'nort but also I can't stand the character G'nort that these jerks have made him into. I'm complicated!

See?! Everybody is so mean to him! I feel terrible that I joined in!

The Scarlet Skier crashes to Earth and begins a fight with G'nort across the city. I wonder if this comic book is where Dan Jurgens got the idea for the Superman/Doomsday battle? Reports begin coming in to the Justice League Embassy that a mangy dog is battling a man in bright red armor.

Sometimes when I criticize art in a comic book, people will get mad at me and defend the artist by replying, "Let's see you do better!" Well, let's see them try that when I say these panels are shit because you better fucking believe I could do better than this!

I think the entire Mister Miracle page was drawn by an intern and shoved into the middle of the G'nort fight because editorial realized they were one page short just before going to print. The art is crazily mediocre (if not downright amateurish) compared to the rest of the issue. It's so blatant that I'd put money on it if Vegas were taking odds on it (which they probably would do if I just brought it to their attention).

Remember that part where I said maybe the writers were going to try to redeem themselves by making G'nort a more likable, smarter, stronger, and interesting character? It's possible I was right or it's also possible J.M. DeMatteis didn't realize how fucking great this joke was:

G'nort killing it with the banter. Beetle and Booster should take notes.

Portrayed more fairly than they should be, the NYPD arrive on the scene to arrest G'nort (the Scarlet Skier having been pounded into the subway system by then, disappearing on top of a train) and don't try to kill him. G'nort even cracks a few jokes, being totally disrespectful, and they don't even sodomize him with a broom. Instead, the NYPD freely give G'nort over to Mister Miracle and Fire when they arrive. The joke is that even though the NYPD feel it's their duty to take him back to a jail cell and beat the shit out of him, G'nort is just too annoying. So he flies back to the Justice League Embassy cracking even more good jokes at other people's expense.

Good for you, G'nort!

Back at the Embassy, G'nort begins to describe his arch-nemesis and, well, whattya know? He's a Silver Surfer parody. Don't I feel stupid treating him seriously! Anyway, the point being, the Skier is just the guy who flies around looking for worlds for the Galactus parody coming up (you know, that hand on the cover!). And that Galactus parody is Mister Nebula, Planetary Designer! So he doesn't so much consume planets as redecorate them (which can be quite traumatic in its own way. Have you ever seen Changing Rooms?!).

Instead of calling Mister Nebula to Earth for a really ridiculous issue, the Scarlet Skier, having run out of power somehow, decides to end it all by diving off the top of the World Trade Center. But his life is saved by G'nort which just makes him feel even worse. The only space criminal to ever be arrested by G'nort, beat up by G'nort, and had his life saved by G'nort. And so he becomes the most humiliated character in the entire DC Universe (up until Lobo gets married to and ass fucked by Bueno Excellente in Hitman (I know, I know! Garth Ennis using date rape as a means of "besting" the most dangerous villain in the DC Universe is hilarious. I mean super problematic!)). Unless it's after G'nort asks him to be his sidekick that he really hits rock bottom.

Justice League America #36 Rating: C. Not only do the Justice League not save anybody at all in this comic book, it's not even about them! It's about G'nort, an acquaintance of the Justice League! Get your own comic book, you dumb space dog! Fuck, I can't stand you! You stupid piece of shit! At best, G'nort is worth a two issue Giffen mini-series that he'd stretch into six issues! He's the fucking Heckler of Green Lanterns! Maybe if he'd get some dignity, I wouldn't hate him so much! I mean, I don't hate him. Remember how I said I don't hate him! I hate the people who drew and wrote him so incompetently! He can't help the way he was created! Poor dumb, ugly, stupid space dog.

Justice League America #35 (February 1990)

Now I'm tempted to deface every Rothko painting with a tiny ice floe covered in superheroes.

When Kooey Kooey Kooey Island woke up and floated away last issue, much of the infrastructure on the island was destroyed. The Justice League teleporters sank to the bottom of the Pacific but, thanks to Kilowog being some kind of a technological and engineering genius, remained powered on. This was unfortunate for reasons you're probably guessing at right now.

Max Lord survives this catastrophe.

I'm a dumb person reading a dumb comic book which creates two major problems when discussing this scene. The first is that I'm too stupid to know if Max Lord should survive something like this. The second is that it's a comic book so who cares because he does. The other people who have no problem with teleporting to the bottom of the ocean: Oberon and The Huntress. The people who teleported? Max Lord, Oberon, The Huntress, and Ice. Instead of popping straight up to the surface, Ice takes a side trip into a Hentai adventure.

Me at my first Anime convention in San Jose in the mid-90s watching the late night movie which followed me crying my way through Sailor Moon R: The Movie: "Oh boy! More innocent young people finding love and friendship! Um. Wait. What?!"

The Huntress interrupts a surefire erotic story arc by shooting a crossbow bolt through the Man-o-War's, um, head? It'll probably be okay, right?! Ice is delirious from either the poison stings of the jellyfish or the lady blue balls. Luckily everybody else is okay. Unluckily, none of them are useful members of the Justice League. Not that there were a lot of members to choose from who would have been useful here. The one time Aquaman would be handy and he's off fucking around with Beetle and Booster at the Kooey Kooey Kooey Resort, Casino, and Kaiju Experience.

Is this the reason Max Lord gives in Infinite Crisis for murdering Beetle?

What is Ice going to do about it?! She's still shaken from witnessing The Huntress murder her new lover! She's going to be useless! I mean other than to make an ice floe for everybody like on the cover, I guess.

Meanwhile, some creep keeps going through the Justice League New York Embassy garbage. He doesn't reveal what exactly he's looking for but it looks like he's collecting their hair! Maybe he's going to clone them to create a whole Justice League of Bizarro heroes. And since Bizarro versions of characters do exactly the opposite of their namesakes, the Bizarro Justice League will be a competent team of super heroes who constantly save the world.

Back on Kooey Kooey Kooey Island, Major Disaster reveals himself to Beetle, Booster, and Aquaman in the hopes that he can help anchor the island to a nearby underwater active volcano. Beetle flips the fuck out because he recognizes him as the guy who won all of their money in the casino and since Major Disaster is a known super villain, he assumes shenanigans. But there were no shenanigans other than some minor card counting by a dufus and if your casino loses all of its money to a card counter, I'm pretty sure that's on your casino for not establishing precautions against smart people beating your system with one of their own. Unless Big Sir's power to read cards is magic and then I don't know what the laws are because the real world has never had to make laws dealing with magical abilities. But even knowing what a card is before it is played can only help you marginally in Blackjack. It'll keep you from busting but you've got no control over what the house's hand is. So if Major Disaster and Big Sir busted the house, I don't see anything suspicious there except maybe a really incredible run of good luck.

Since the team floating on ice in the middle of the Pacific are probably going to die, Max Lord decides to tell The Huntress that he used his psychic powers to force her into joining the League.

The Huntress reacting appropriately to the information.

The Huntress, realizing the implications of a man with the willingness to use an ability in this way, intends to murder him. And, just for the record, Oberon doesn't lift a finger to help. This raises my esteem for both characters because imagine if The Huntress had snapped Max Lord's neck and tossed him to sharks here? Wonder Woman wouldn't have had to do it fifteen years later! And Blue Beetle would never have been killed! I don't mean to suggest that The Huntress wimped out like The Batman would have done and realized killing Max would take her over a line leading to killing more easily. She definitely intended to kill Max here in the Pacific but Max, realizing he's going to die, uses his powers yet again! This time he makes The Huntress let go and forget about his confession so he can go back to seeming like a guy who doesn't mind rape people.

Max doesn't tell Oberon to forget though and Oberon doesn't shove Max into the ocean which puts my esteem for Oberon back to about where it was. Which is to say I don't really think about him that often. Max promises Oberon that he'll straighten it out with The Huntress later but since Max lives to be killed by Wonder Woman fifteen years later, I'm guessing he never again broaches the subject with her.

Major Disaster saying what we're all thinking.

Remember that thing about how I was stupid and also this is a comic book? I've never been clear on how Aquaman's power works. He can speak with fish and ask them politely to help and they always decide to help because they're so dumb? Isn't that just as bad as ordering them to do what he wants when he wants them to? And if he can "speak with fish," how come he can also speak with whales and dolphins? Does that just mean he can talk psychically talk to anything that happens to be in water? But then he sometimes talks with lizards and things, the writer at the time always saying some dumb shit about accessing the part of the brain which evolved from fish? Is he just a less stylish Max Lord from the ocean who knows better than to coerce people and so sticks to lesser and dumber animals? Oh, and dolphins! I think digging down into how Aquaman's powers work really makes me hate Aquaman even more than I already hated Aquaman which was substantial. I'd rather believe he gives them orders and they slavishly have to follow his orders or else he causes them great psychic pain. He's a terrible super hero so why not just make him a dick as well?

Also, if Aquaman and the whales are "brothers, equals working together," how often does Aquaman help the whales to move or give them rides to their whale airports? I bet somebody has written an Aquaman story where Aquaman is helping sea creatures and I don't mean helping them in a "Hey, our habitat is being screwed by a super villain in his base" kind of story because that, ultimately, is just a normal super hero comic book story. I mean he helps some lobsters decorate the ocean floor for a big lobster quadrille or something.

Major Disaster causes the volcano to erupt just as the whales push the island over the lava flow which quickly cools underwater, leaving the island firmly attached to the ocean floor. And probably causing a bunch of underground pressure now that the lava can't vent which means it'll probably blow out the side causing a tsunami which will kill hundreds of thousands of Pacific Islanders.

While underwater, Aquaman hears a bunch of agitated sharks and swims off to investigate. So maybe he does help is finny friends! He hears some hungry sharks having trouble getting some food and he's off to help them eat Max Lord, Oberon, The Huntress, and Ice. What a good friend to the fishies!

Before being rescued, Oberon notices hundreds of thousands of dollars floating around in the ocean. So even though they'll all probably be dead soon, Max collects as much of it as he can find. Hopefully, for Blue Beetle and Booster Gold's sake, he'll just manage to get all of the cash back. Maybe Aquaman can demand his stupid fish friends help collect it all. And even though it's legally Major Disaster's cash now, I'm pretty sure Major Disaster won't mind just letting it all go, as long as nobody sues, beats him up, or kills him.

I mean? Were Johns and the other writers of Countdown to Infinite Crisis actually referencing this?!

Anyway, everything works out just fine. Max doesn't kill anybody. The Huntress doesn't kill anybody. J'onn doesn't kill anybody even though he threatens to murder Beetle and Booster when they get home. I'm starting to notice a trend with this group! They're love language is pure violence! That's what comes letting Batman lead the team through fear and intimidation!

Justice League America #35 Rating: B. Once again, nobody who didn't need saving based on the Justice League's actions was saved! Sure, a lot of people stranded on an out-of-control island were saved! But they were saved by Aquaman and Major Disaster and a bunch of whales. So in a way, the Justice League of America were the bad guys in this issue, endangering hundreds of people through their actions. And their leader, Max Lord, admitted to mind rape and probably should have been killed. At the very least, Oberon should have reported him to Batman and J'onn, getting him kicked off the team or imprisoned in Doctor Fate's tower. He's proven himself to be a bad, greedy, terrible person and yet he's still just going to be the leader of this group? Kind of spoils the entire enterprise, doesn't it?

Justice League America #34 (1990)

I'm slightly disappointed Beetle and Booster's nickname was "Blue and Gold" instead of "Hairy and Smooth."

You thought I was going to mention Fire's huge tits, didn't you? Well I did. Just there. You're so fucking smart, aren't you?

You might think Batman is just wearing his normal outfit on the beach but it's his beach outfit which is treated to repel sand and also has cut outs on the ass cheeks. It also probably constantly excretes sun tan lotion because can you imagine how pale that guy must be? Or should be, anyway, in a realistic comic book universe where Bruce Wayne can't go from beating up criminals all night to actually having a working day life where he goes out in the sun and fucks tons of women in the evening. He probably sleeps in some kind of Bat-tanning machine which also jerks him off during the night.

Speaking of being jerked off in the middle of the night, I had a weird sex dream last night. I was back in my home town and ran into Amy Ginger whom I'm certain was in my graduating class but I only really remember her from elementary school. We ended up back in the apartment in my mother's basement making out when things turned to oral and manual manipulation. At some point, I saw that I ejaculated but didn't feel anything and commented on it. Amy treated it as if I were apologizing for jizzing too quickly but I was actively concerned that there was something medically wrong with me. Then I realized part of the ceiling was missing and sky was showing through because a tornado had smashed the house while we were fooling around. And my cats Gravy and Pelafina (who died about four years ago) had been in the house so I got really worried and ran upstairs to look for them. I found them almost immediately which was kind of my brain to allow or I would have woken up super sad. Not that I didn't wake up super sad anyway because of my stupid non-wet sex dream!

It feels good to be revealing too much during my comic book reviews again! I hope Amy Ginger isn't in the habit of Googling her name! Although if she does, she'll be in a real quandary about which of her elementary school classmates this is! I'll give her one hint: it's not Simon Raines!

Oh man, what if Simon is big on Googling himself?! I wonder if he remembers the time I was supposed to stay over his house but I didn't bring pajamas so his mom let me borrow a pair of his but they were too tight because I was a little fatty and I got super nervous and embarrassed and asked to go home? Man, I bet that was the moment my life changed for the worst forever! I probably could have been a popular kid, getting in on the ground floor with Simon! It would have opened up all kinds of friendship avenues!

The issue begins with Major Disaster lamenting his life in which he refuses to take responsibility for his failures and instead blames the idiotic members of his gang, the Injustice League. He also blames the Justice League for his failure. Then why name your dumb villain group after the Justice League? The Injustice League is a pretty shit name for a gang. Oh no! They're against justice! Look out!

Major Disaster sees an ad for Beetle and Booster's resort casino on Kooey Kooey Kooey Island and decides it would be a good place to rob. A place run by members of the Justice League seems like the kind of place you'd avoid pulling a heist but then Major Disaster has already shown he's blind to his own flaws and shortcomings.

Booster and Beetle pull off their own heist against the Justice League!

This is what happens when there's no social safety net and you don't pay your employees a living wage. They're going to wind up robbing you blind and/or sleeping with two women at once and/or burning the whole place to the ground.

Major Disaster and Big Sir, like Booster Gold and Blue Beetle, have also failed at being responsible adults which is why they've spent the last of their money on tickets to Kooey Kooey Kooey Island. I'm not sure if their plan is to rob the place or make a fortune gambling or maybe just retire on the island as a beach bum (the only sensible choice, really). I just know that, for some reason, as soon as Major Disaster saw the Justice League had an island resort, he saw it as some kind of get-rich-quick scheme. Maybe Major Disaster realized that when they try to avoid super heroes (like when they moved to France), they always wound up running into super heroes. So if he dives right into a place full of super heroes, maybe things will finally go his way!

While Big Sir and Major Disaster somehow cheat at Black Jack in the casino, Aquaman washes up on the beach to yell at Booster Gold and Blue Beetle. He finds them immediately after they get the news that Big Sir and Major Disaster have cleaned out the casino.

Aquaman showing up always makes everything worse.

Aquaman has come to warn Beetle and Booster that Kooey Kooey Kooey is a living organism and that creating a casino resort on its back will surely wake it up. Which is exactly what happens! And because the Comics Code Authority demands that crime (or gambling) never pays, Major Disaster and Big Sir lose all of their casino winnings, which they took in cash and shoved in a suitcase, when an earthquake knocks the suitcase open, sending the money flying everywhere. It's a shame because it would have been a better plot seed to let them get away with the money and build an Injustice League Satellite in orbit opposite the Justice League Satellite. Did the Justice League even have a satellite in 1989? It's only been a few years since they were working out of a cave!

I hope Kooey Kooey Kooey winds up with a Green Lantern ring! Imagine G'nort, a sentient dog, living on Kooey Kooey Kooey, a sentient island, floating in an ocean on Mogo, a sentient planet. That's practically a Planetary story arc.

The issue ends with everybody trapped on the island with busted teleporter tubes and Aquaman. It's a real tragedy.

Justice League America #34 Rating: B. Once again, Adam Hughes does all of the heavy lifting. The story is silly and non-sensical but who cares when you're looking at women in bikinis drawn by Adam Hughes! And if you're not willing to admit that you read comic books for the nearly naked ladies, Adam drew some of the other stuff really well too. Like desks and trees and poker chips.

See? Just check out the cushions on that sofa!

Justice League Europe #9 (1989)

If this is what it takes to operate on Power Girl, just imagine what her vibrator looks like.

If you're wondering why Power Girl looks so different while Sears is still on the job, it's because Sears is now doing the tracing while Art Nichols is doing the drawing. To me, the art is better in a way that doesn't mean I'm happy with it. It's just the style appeals to me quite a bit more. Although in many places, it feels a bit flat and amateurish. Just look at Superman's square-cut John Romita Jr fingers! And look at how nicely manicured he is. How does Superman clip his nails?

Power Girl is dying because she got the shit slapped out of her by The Grey Man's gigantic magic hand. Now she needs an operation for vague reasons or she's going to die! But the doctor is all, "I can't operate on this woman! She is my son!" No wait, that's a dumb riddle. I think this doctor can't operate on her because she is invulnerable. I know I didn't have to explain that to 98% of you! But my mom reads this blog and the only thing she knows about Power Girl is that she would sometimes find Power Girl comics under my bathroom sink growing up. Because that's where I kept them, okay?!

If magic wounded her, magic can save her! Too bad Doctor Fate's title is only academic!

Christ how dumb are these people? If Batman has contingency plans for killing every hero in the DC Universe, surely he must also know how to save their lives! He's probably got a kryptonite guillotine that could be modded for surgery! At the very least, he'd know what to do. Is he too busy trying to assure Dick Grayson he isn't a total failure to help out this month?

Sue Dibny calls Superman to let him know his cousin-from-another-mother-Earth is dying. Hopefully somebody smarter than Superman will explain to him how he's going to save Power Girl or else he's probably just going to repeatedly punch her in the gut until he breaks through. I read the Death of Superman. I know he never has any better plans than punching things really hard.

Batman does show up but not to help out Kara, of course. If he gives them any ideas and she dies, it could count as his having killed somebody! Can't chance that!

I hope Batman has come to talk Outsiders' business! Maybe Halo is in a coma in the room next door!

Meanwhile Wally and Ralph have it out over Ralph always mentioning how Barry Allen was a much better Flash than Wally is. I know a lot of people thought Barry was boring and Wally ended up filling his shoes so well that fans hated it when Barry was brought back. But I never followed The Flash in any form so all I've got to go on is Wally West in this comic (and some appearances in Titans) and I have to say: he's a sexist pig and a fucking jerk. Maybe that's just the way DeMatteis was writing him and I'll like Wally better now that Loeb is writing this book. He's already begun his stint by having Wally confront Ralph so that maybe all that "You're not as good as The Flash I remember reading while growing up" shit DeMatteis constantly harps on is now in the past. Although while Barry really seems hurt and angry, Elongated Man just kind of shines him on with more Barry stories, ignoring the earnest and serious conversation Wally was trying to have. I guess that's just Ralph! He's demonstrating that he can't ever be serious which is why he won't stop making his fucking neck twelve feet long and twitching that disgusting nose.

Back at the hospital, Power Girl and Superman have been strapped into some medical torture devices to begin the operation.

"Okay, start punching away, Superman!"

Do you think Power Girl had to be shaved for this operation? How lush must Kryptonian pubic hair be if nothing can trim it? Do they even have pubic hair?! Oh my god! I just realized there's no reason their genitals shouldn't be something completely alien to humans! I bet it's a fucking M.C. Escher print down there!

Kilowog, having just recently been remembered by Keith Giffen while plotting the last Justice League America issue, makes an appearance in order to build the Superman-heat-vision-head-stabilizer. I'm not sure how it's supposed to hold his head steady when he's the strongest man in the universe and just moving his head slightly probably produces more kinetic energy than when Power Girl orgasms but then I'm not a genius at building machines like Kilowog. My only genius ability is knowing how much potential energy resides in Power Girl's clit. The answer is a shit-ton.

Batman takes Metamorpho onto the roof to explain to him that Metamorpho might have brain damage after his near death and bout of amnesia. Metamorpho thinks Batman has come by because he felt guilty when he heard Metamorpho regained his memory and was all, "Oh Betsy! I better get in there and spin the fact that I didn't give a shit about him while he was lying in a coma! The same way I still haven't given a shit about Halo!" But really, I think Batman is just checking to see if Rex remembers that Batman's secret identity is Bruce Wayne.

"Also, do you like the eyebrows I drew on my cowl? Too much, you think?"

Metamorpho gets pissed at Batman, turns into a fart, and leaves before Batman can ask him, "Hey, do you remember that scumbag billionaire, um, Bruce Wayans I think it was, from Gotham? What a dumb jerk, right? So dumb! Although I hear he has a huge cock. So huge. I wonder if Clark Kent would do a story on it? Maybe I'll ask him after he's done punching Power Girl's stomach open. I mean, um, when I'm next in Metropolis!"

After Superman punches open Power Girl, the doctor goes in to, um, I don't know. Unsuccessfully try to move her organs around? Break a punch of needles trying to sew up her guts? Look confusedly at her alien insides even though the big fat liar said they x-rayed her earlier?

Yep, the third one. I also think this is proof that her vagina looks like a recursive stairway.

I wonder what text book the doctor is talking about? The Physiology of Atlanteans Who Are, SPOILER ALERT, Still Actually Kryptonians?

The surgery takes six hours after which the doctor emerges to explain how he's a garbage doctor and a total hack and how he was lying about there being any kind of text book at all.

"How much of her we salvaged"?! Are the words for "hospital" and "auto shop" nearly identical in French and the JLE seriously fucked up on this one?

When the doctor says "we," does he mean him and Superman or him and the nurses? Shouldn't Superman have been some help in identifying Kryptonian organs? Maybe that's why the doctor uses the word "salvage"? Superman was probably all, "You can lose that bumpy green thing and maybe throw out half of the leathery thing that keeps trying to bite you. And that bit that seems to have exploded from magic? Just get rid of it although I think it might be the 'super powers' organ. Oh well!"

Maybe the French doctor just messed up his English and didn't mean to use the word "salvage." But then again, judging by Catherine's expression in that final panel, I think she just realized they've been sitting in a Jiffy Lube waiting room.

A week later, Power Girl sits in the auto parts lunch room thinking about how many of her powers she's lost. She's snuck out a few times to test them and found that she still has her super speed and super strength. But she's lost her "cosmic" powers. I don't know what those entail other than the exploding vagina thing.

Justice League Europe #9 Rating: B-. This comic dealt with a bunch of down time issues in the group and, when done well, I usually enjoy those installments. And I did enjoy this one! I think Ralph and Barry working out their issues was resolved nicely, so now Ralph can still tease Barry but Barry knows it's coming from a loving place where they can both bond over their old, dead friend. Metamorpho was able to deal with trauma resulting from his old team not giving a fuck about him after he came back from death. Not that he really dealt with it. He just sat on a church, felt some self-pity (which he's a master of), and then went off to apologize to Batman for calling him a jerk and turning into a fart in front of him. I like that Rex is the bigger man because I like Rex better than Batman but I still think he should just punch him in the face and be done with him. And finally, the main story, Power Girl went through all of this to have some of her powers taken away. That's always pretty weak but I'm glad that handled the science and medicine so realistically! I'm pretty sure when most doctors operate, they simply shove their hand in your guts and root around with the other hand over their eyes like they're fishing out a ticket for a prize at the fair. The issue loses a full grade because you can't have a doctor exclaim, "Is that her liver?!", and then not show what he's looking at! I bet it was fucking sexy.

Justice League America #33 (1989)

This might look like a smart tactic by Guy Gardner until you realize that horrendous mug is about to sneeze right in his face.

Judging by the liquid dripping off Gardner's face, Kilowog may have already sneezed on him and Guy, with his obsession to be the best, easily worked through it.

How many of those protrusions on Kilowog's lips do you think are penises? At least one, right? Man, imagine having a penis right on your face! It would be so attractive! I saw video footage of that guy with his penis on his arm and I was so envious! Although in that case, you'd really be limited to how many hands you can jerk off with. Oh! But I just realized your mouth is now an option! But not if it's on your face. That would be so frustrating! I bet you could lick it though!

This comic book review has lost its way immediately. I'm so sorry.

This issue is called, "Nitwits, Knuckleheads & Poozers!" So even if Kilowog wasn't on the cover, we'd all know he'd be making an appearance. "If you know, you know," as the biggest nerds I know in my life seem to love saying. Remember when there was a time that you'd drop some reference and just let people either understand it or not without making them immediately feel left out? Imagine if I went and got plastic surgery to stick a penis on my face, everybody would think, "Well, that's a weird choice." But what if I did that and whenever anybody looked at me, I'd be all, "If you know, you know!" That would send them down a serious pop culture spiral trying to figure out what I was referencing! Hmm, it might also get them to find my blog googling "face penises."

On second thought and not after having Googled "face penises," I realized that a search with those parameters almost certainly wouldn't lead to my blog. At least not on the first 5,000 pages of search results.

Guy Gardner: King of the Internet!

After the Teasdale Incident in which the Justice League did absolutely nothing when it's arguable they could have saved hundreds of lives instead of watching them electrocute themselves (I know Teasdale kept saying the toxin was fatal but the Justice League has super tech and magic on their side! Fucking save a life, Batman!), Guy Gardner has become bored. So he's off to visit the recently mostly abandoned Green Lantern Corps Headquarters on Earth. Abandoned because they thought it was a good idea to imprison Sinestro in the thing that powers all of their rings and Sinestro was all, "Oh, look, the off switch is right here on the inside!" Currently Kilowog putters around the empty headquarters getting occasional visits from Hal Jordan's underage girlfriend. Today he's getting a visit from an asshole.

This is how I'm going to greet my mom next time I'm in Santa Clara.

Whoops! I just gave out assassination coordinates for my mom! None of you better take advantage of that! *wink, wink*

That was a joke, mom! Sheesh! Maybe don't read my Internet stuff and also get out of my room!

My first thought upon seeing Gardner's surprise attack on Kilowog was to reference Inspector Clouseau and Cato but that reference is older than all of Giffen and DeMatteis's references were in the 80s. Mostly because they'll probably reference the Pink Panther movies themselves and I'm 30 years past when this was written. That's how time works. Has nobody ever explained the concept of time to you?!

This is the panel that made me think, "Fuck. I guess I need to read the stupid annual first."

The two JLAers arriving at the island are, disappointingly, Blue Beetle and Booster Gold. I'm disappointed because they are going to look terrible in bikinis.

How were Giffen and DeMatteis not embarrassed by these fucking old time references?! Is Blue Beetle actually 52?

I used "52" because it's a good DC Universe number and also because I'm not quite that old yet! But next year, I'll definitely refer to every blue I see as "Jack Benn's eyes."

Sorry for posting so many panels in a row (all from the same page, by the way), but look at this! Another reference that was already old timey in 1989:

I suppose Nick at Nite was doing the job of the Internet back in the 80s: keeping us all refreshed on past pop culture zeitgeist.

Blue Beetle and Booster Gold head off to speak with the leader of the Kooey Kooey Kooey tribe to discuss Blue Beetle's great idea which he doesn't elaborate on. I hope he wants to start a White Lotus franchise out here. Mike White should sell actual White Lotus franchises but to other entertainment properties. I just want to see various casts of characters from different shows interacting at a White Lotus. Like, which one of Gilligan's cruise mates would wind up dead?! Probably Mr. Howell.

Fucking old references. I need to stop reading Giffen and DeMatteis comic books.

Blue Beetle wants to build a casino resort on KooeyKooeyKooey Island. So basically a White Lotus! The chief of the tribe isn't convinced though because the tribe doesn't need money and they don't want Western Society tramping all over their paradise. Until Blue Beetle sweetens the pot with two culturally relevant 80s celebrities: the captain of the Love Boat, the greatest rock singer of all time, and one future wannabe autocrat.

Finally a reference that's only a couple of years off from 1989!

Imagine an episode of The Love Boat starring Jon Bon Jovi and Donald Trump! Oh what a whirlwind romance that would have been! But then Bon Jovi's heart would be broken when he realized Trump was just scamming him out of his cash. But in the final scene, Jon would unveil his new song written on the back of his heartbreak: "You Give Love a Bad Name." It brings down the house at the final night captain's dinner and Trump is humiliated as he falls in the potato salad trying to run away crying because he realized he really did love Jon but now it's too late!

I'm sorry. Occasionally I lapse into bad fan fiction writing prompts.

Back on the mainland (or wherever Green Lantern Corps Earth Headquarters is located), Guy and Kilowog have completely trashed the headquarters. But they end their fighting with a great big bro hug and then Guy lets Kilowog slip on his ring to rebuild the headquarters. I think that means they're now Green Lantern Married. So, being Green Lantern Married, Kilowog goes back to New York with Guy to join the Justice League as the Technology Engineer. They'll never lose Animal Man's luggage again!

Is the house falling in on her when she gets the head injury that returns her to her 13-year-old state of mind?

This is Arisia. She was 13 when she began dating Hal Jordan. Then she aged her mind and her body to look like this so it wouldn't be weird. Which is when Hal dumped her. I'm not saying Hal Jordan is a pedophile. I don't have to. It's all in the comic books!

I hope all the Hal Jordan fans don't get mad at me for pointing out the weird shit Hal got up to without also referencing all the retcon garbage that tried to make it acceptable, like how 13 on Arisia's home planet is actually like 215 or something on Earth. I think Hal Jordan fans probably get that some writers made some really shitty decisions for the character. I expect them to be more rational of my jokey criticism than Deathstroke fans who constantly freak the fuck out when I point out he's definitely a pedophile! Boy do those jerks get angry! Something there is in a Deathstroke fan that doesn't love a pedophilia critique.

Beetle and Booster convince Kilowog to build their casino because Kilowog has been so bored lately. But standing in their way (although they don't know it yet) is Aquaman! For some reason he has plans for this island and they're going to screw them all up.

Boring!

Justice League America #33 Rating: B+. Most of this issue was Kilowog and Guy fighting while Beetle and Booster consult with the KooeyKooeyKooeyans. That doesn't sound like a B+ comic book but Adam Hughes' art is doing a lot of the grade raising in this comic book. While Mike McKone's tribesman looked like lost white people in the Annual, Hughes actually, for the most part, look like Pacific Islanders. Or, at least, so much more so than McKone's that I was willing to accept them as actual islanders. And I don't mind many pages of a fight that doesn't mean shit when Hughes is drawing it. It all just looks so gorgeous!