Teen Titans Spotlight #6: Jericho

Who are all the chubby children? The Quraci Newskids Legion?

I'm so angry about having to read a fourth Jericho comic book that I'm going to invent time travel so I can go back in time and punch my teenage self in the face. "This was your favorite Titan?!" I'd scream in his zitty face. "You're never going to get laid! I should know!" Then I'd...hey! I remember that happening! I kept wondering, "Who is this fat fuck and why does he care about my love of fashion and facial hair?!" Then I cried for a bit while mumbling, "I'm never going to get laid? You're never going to get laid!" I guess I was right!

I realize I'm utilizing time travel incorrectly. I should be going back in time and convincing Marv Wolfman not to do a four issue story arc about Jericho. Or killing his mother. But, really, what did she do? She got pregnant and now I have to suffer through reading a Jericho comic book for ten minutes. The retaliation might be a little disproportionate. I should kill Marv's father too!

Forget going back in time to kill Baby Hitler. How many people would go back in time to abort Baby Hitler? That's the more interesting philosophical conundrum. Some people would want to go back in time to get Hitler's mother pregnant before Papa Hitler got her pregnant but that's just asking for the person to realize that they're sperm is evil and they always fathered stupid Baby Hitler. Maybe I'd go back in time and step on whatever the fuck sprang to life in the Primordial Ooze. Just get the whole fucking thing over with.

This issue is called "Conflagration" which is an anagram of "con flag ration."

If Joseph is lucky, Penny is totally hot for her father.

Arthur and Penny's plan is to destroy Qurac and replace it with a H.I.V.E. franchise. If I were Jericho, I wouldn't bother stopping them until after they destroyed Qurac. And I wouldn't feel bad about civilian casualties because according to DC's Who's Who, every single person living in Qurac is a vile terrorist. It makes it easier for writers to avoid political pitfalls! You don't just want kids in America thinking, "Fuck those Quracis! What devils!" You also want your Middle Eastern audience to be all, "Fuck those Quracis! What devils!" And since Qurac doesn't actually exist, you aren't losing any money from Quracis offended by their portrayal!

Curt finishes telling Addie everything he knows even though I thought he already did that back when Joseph was still alive (wink, wink!). Adeline discovers that Lord is on his way to destroy Qurac so she rushes off to help. That leaves Curt alone to star in a wacky one page story that should probably end with fruit pies.

Apparently Marv's script was one page short and he needed to add some filler.

On the way to bomb Qurac, Penny's father regains consciousness and says those words that always make me giggle: "Penny, he's inside me!" Penny answers, "What?! Why didn't you use the warm potato salad trick?!" Penny realizes the only thing she can do is shoot her father in the head. I would probably try bluffing first but then I'm not H.I.V.E. material for a reason. But before Penny can pull the trigger, Joseph makes me laugh again:

Who forgot the potato salad now?

To save the capital of Quarc which is I have no idea, Jericho switches back into Arthur (and of course Arthur screams, "He's inside me again!") so he can attack Arthur's squadron of helicopters. Joey fails to blow up all the other helicopters so he just ejects the gas in Arthur's copter and bails out of the helicopter to hide inside some children. None of the children say, "He's inside of me!", because that would be inappropriate.

Lord's helicopters begin destroying the Quraci buildings and even the narrator doesn't give a fuck about all the innocent deaths.

Because there are no innocents in Qurac!

Once again, Arthur and Jericho face off in hand to hand combat. Arthur tells Jericho, "I've beaten you once, son. I'll do it again!" Apparently Arthur doesn't quite remember his last fight with Jericho. To be fair, he was unconscious for the end of it.

The fight ends when Penny shoots her father thinking that she'll somehow kill Jericho while he's still in the body. Maybe she's not as stupid as this moment makes her out to be. Maybe she secretly loved Joseph this entire time and was just waiting for the chance to kill her father!

Nope. Just stupid. And really fucking angry!

Arthur Lord manages to survive but he's left crippled. And Jericho returns to making lewd signs.

"I fuck butts now. I'm gay for cock."

Teen Titans Spotlight #6: Jericho Rating: B. I liked Jericho when I was younger because it was odd to see a sensitive hero who tried his best to resort to pacifism. Not wholly against physical violence when he had to engage in it but he definitely used his powers to try to deescalate situations. That seemed heroic to me when I was younger. And dumber, apparently, because I think comic book fandom is about loving huge fist fights! I'm totally getting on board that train now. Whoo whoo! No wonder so many people hated Tom King's run of Batman. What is the point of Batman if he's not breaking jaws and cracking skulls?!

Teen Titans Spotlight #5: Jericho

Princess of Gemworld

This meek, sensitive, golden boy has finally been pushed too far, dammit! Look out because he'll possess your body and make you do embarrassing things in front of your loved ones! He'll absolutely humiliate the fuck out of you!

Come on, DC! Nobody is taking this dandy seriously! Puffy sleeves. Draped cape. Purple vest. Spandex pants. He's practically the epitome of Prince Adam and who the fuck was afraid of him?! Oh wait! I know the answer to that! It was Cringer! Cringer was afraid of Prince Adam!

It's weird to think He-man became manlier when he took off most of his clothes to run around in Ugg boots, a fur loincloth, and armored suspenders. That entire show was a gay power fantasy, wasn't it?! Whoever developed it was all, "G.I. Joe is a big hit with all the kids and it's kind of gay, right? I'm not the only one who thinks Shipwreck has blown Roadblock, am I? Anyway, what if we make a super duper gay cartoon?!" I got into He-man before the cartoon because the Skeletor action figure reminded me of the Conan book I was reading at the time. Which must mean Conan the Barbarian is the gateway to homosexuality. What's weird is I'm probably just having a laugh (not at the expense of homosexuals! At the expense of, I don't know, something else!) but I bet there are plenty of thesis papers out there detailing the homoerotic nature of fantasy pulp fiction and its ensuant offshoots. With Conan at the forefront, of course!

Did using the word ensuant make my discussion sound scholarly enough to distract people from the possibility that I might have made (but didn't!) some jokes in poor taste? I hope I used it right!

At the end of Issue #2, following the letters page ramblings, Mike Gold (or whoever was writing the end column at the time) mentioned that Issue #3 would be the start of a three part Jericho story. So imagine how angry I am right at this moment after having picked up Issue #5 from the stack (which is the third Jericho issue) to see that Issue #6 was also a fucking Jericho issue! Are you fucking kidding me?! Who needs a four part story about this asshole whose mind we're never in because Marv Wolfman uses omniscient narrators instead of the modern first person narration and who never fucking says anything! Okay, he says one or two things per issue using sign language. But that's practically like not saying anything because I'm a big dope who thinks every sign is dirty!

But in 1986, Jericho was, for some fucking insane reason, my favorite Teen Titan. I said "some fucking insane reason" as if I don't know what the reason was. Well, I do and I'm going to regret telling you about it in the next sentence. I fucking loved the way he looked. Are you happy now? I admitted it! I love everything about this dandy motherfucker! Look at that sharp vest! And the sparkling belt! And the fucking pink boots! And those sideburns! I've probably spent more than half my life with big bushy sideburns which I almost certainly owe to loving the fuck out of this clown for so many years!

The issue begins with a serious crime being committed.

How will he not know when he finds his fingers have been Crazy Glued to his cock?

With Jericho's powers, I don't know why he needs Garfield's fingerprints. Why not just possess Steve Dayton himself, knock him out so he can't scream for help, and just walk in to grab the promethium? Or hire his dad to get the shit! He could probably guilt Deathstork into doing loads of illegal stuff for him.

Why would Steve Dayton allow Garfield Logan access to his promethium?! Yeah, I fucking know Logan's his son. It still doesn't fucking make sense!

Jericho takes the promethium back to Arthur Lord so he can trade it to the Quraci government and save his daughter's life. But it's only after Lord leaves Addie's place with the promethium that she says to Jericho, "I think we just got scammed!"

Jericho responds, "I think you're a loser."

Sure enough, Penny and Arthur were just using Joey and his mom to get their hands on the most destructive non-Lobo thing in the DC Universe. Penny is all, "That dupe actually thought I loved him! But we didn't even fuck! I just held a tin of microwaved potato salad between my legs and let him fuck that." That's what sex feels like, right? Fucking warm potato salad? I mean, I totally know that's what it's like. I hope!

I mean, I don't hope it feels like that in that I love the feeling of fucking warm potato salad! I hope that's what it feels like so people who have fucked don't think I haven't fucked because I described it poorly. We all have different experiences anyway! You can't invalidate my description of what it felt like when I totally had sex all those times!

Joseph, being the biggest dupe of them all, didn't replace the promethium tablets with Sugar Mamas like I would have expected him to do. So now he and his mother have to break into Arthur Lord's secret laboratory and resteal the promethium tablets! If only they had consulted Nightwing, they could have been done with this adventure already. He would have been all, "Man, Joey, you smell like potato salad ! Did you fall for the fake lover with the potato salad between her legs trick? You better not trust her, buddy!"

Oh, I was wrong! They don't break into Lord's place at all! They think their smartest move is to break into Qurac and kidnap Curt, Penny's husband! I guess they can use him as leverage. Although couldn't Joey have lifted Penny's fingerprints off of his prostate to gain access to the secret lab?

If Joey had the ability to sneak into Qurac to rescue Penny without risking the entire world by giving Qurac promethium, why the fuck wasn't that the plan from the beginning?! I'm starting to sense that maybe Marv Wolfman was on Quaaludes when he wrote this script.

That would be Joey's crotch.

There's an advert for NBC's Saturday morning line-up in this issue and it just makes me wonder: if modern conservatives are so pissed off about everything in our culture that they see as emasculating the kind of man they think every guy should be, where the fuck were they in 1986 while I was watching Kissyfur, The Gummi Bears, Smurfs, Punky Brewster, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Foofur, and Kidd Video?! The most manly cartoon in that list is Alvin and the Chipmunks and they wore dresses!

Stop doing the math and trying to point out that I was fourteen or fifteen in 1986! Gummi Bears had one of the best cartoon theme songs (right after Ducktales)! I'm going to go listen to it right now!

Joey and Adeline take Curt to Tokyo where they finally begin interrogating him. Even though he spent multiple days being tortured by the Quraci government, he wouldn't tell them a thing. He spends two minutes alone with Adeline and Joseph and he begins spilling the beans. The only threat they used was that Joey was going to put himself inside hi...oh. I see what he's afraid of! Dude, it's nothing to be frightened of! Just relax, man! Joseph's a sensitive poet. He'll definitely provide a reach-around.

Joseph infiltrates Lord's secret base and discovers he's resurrecting H.I.V.E. (which stands for Hierarchy of International Vengeance and Extermination which is fucking stupid. Just spitballing for a few seconds and I already came up with a better one: Higher Institute of Violent Extremism!). Joseph's movements are described as catlike which is why he's noticed freaking the fuck out, bouncing off walls, and yowling at the top of his voice. Arthur Lord, leader of an organization full of soldiers who are only in the organization because they killed a bunch of other master fighters, decides to fight Joseph himself. His mighty warriors (the best of the best!) just stand around in robes watching.

What good is your invaluable edge if you're not going to use it?! Kill the little creep, you idiot!

Arthur Lord tackles Joseph straight through a wall where they both disappear from view. Then he emerges and he's all, "He's dead! And since Joseph can't control the host's talking, I must be myself and telling the truth! Ha ha ha!" But I know better! Remember how I already saw there's another issue in this stupid story arc? Joseph is totally still alive! And probably possessing Arthur! And probably able to speak because Arthur was knocked unconscious! Pshaw! Marv Wolfman, you need better twists!

Arthur and H.I.V.E. take off from their secret base to go take over the world. And they won't need the base anymore for some reason, so they just blow up the island on the way out. Ugh, he's the worst kind of tenant.

Teen Titans Spotlight #5: Jericho Rating: B-. So much betrayal! So many twists and turns! Not much fucking though. Which makes it a mediocre Teen Titans story. And yes, the B- factors in the fact that this whole conflict is, once again, somehow driven by family.

Teen Titans Spotlight #4: Jericho

Jericho is from Gemworld, isn't he?

As a person who has wasted forty years of his life reading comic books, I think I know enough about Jericho to declare his powers aren't going to save Penny in this situation. If the people with the guns want to kill her, she's dead as soon as he enters somebody else's head. Unless...let me check Jericho's Who's Who entry! Nope, it doesn't say that somebody holding onto his cock goes with him into his opponent's mind.

When we last left Jericho, he was practically naked discovering that the woman he loved at, I don't know, fourteen? fifteen? was still alive.

Do comic book artists know how penises work? Jericho had better only be drawn from the waist up in subsequent panels.

Some people might think Jericho should be mad because Penny didn't let him know she was alive. But if I were Jericho, I would just be thinking about all of the fucking I was about to do. Humans are weird, right? How many people, after discovering that the person you love is actually alive and well, would ruin that shit by pouting and being upset and selfishly thinking only about how they had been abandoned?! I mean, it's almost a miracle! A person you thought was dead isn't! How can you not be ecstatic about it?! Plus the imminent fucking!

Penny had better hope there aren't any signs in sign language for "You hurt me!" and "How could you do this to me?" and "Two years? I get to put it in your ass, right?!"

I dislike making "women need added incentive to put a penis in their butt" jokes because have you met women? They're filthy dirty perverts! But I figured Joey, being the sensitive type, never really attempted anal with Penny. But I bet some of his poetry was totally about doing anal.

The Snail

Taut antenna gently poking;
Slimy trail drips behind.
Ever slowly, slight withdrawing.
Hides its head so deep inside.

Joey acts happy that Penny is back. Right up until he tries to fuck her and she's all, "No, no! I'm married now! Alas!" But then she explains that her husband has been kidnapped and Joey's spirits rise once again! Maybe he'll be killed! Sometimes stories do end happily ever after!

Fucking Addie. Take some personal responsibility, will you?!

Joey agrees to help Penny find Curt because Joey is the sensitive type that is totally into Devil's Triangles. Penny explains that Curt was kidnapped because of his knowledge of promethium. Not the promethium that exists in the real world but DC Universe promethium. Apparently promethium in the DC Universe can explode forever. Using my knowledge of the DC Universe, I must now conclude that Cyborg has the greatest orgasms in DC continuity. Although after doing some minor research because I know my knowledge of the DC Universe is spurious at best, it seems Cyborg's metal is made of depleted promethium. Which means Cyborg is impotent.

This is the sign for "Can I we fist now?"

Penny's father (whose name I should know but I never really thought his story arc would be in the foreground) threatens Qurac if they don't stop interfering in his interests with their Goddamned terrorism. He then slaughters some henchmen just to boost his aging self-esteem, with which none of his other henchmen seem to have a problem. And since even after killing some youthful men, he still feels old, he goes to bang a bunch of young women in the pool.

This comment is definitely directed at Deathstork. "I might be one of H.I.V.E.'s greatest monsters but not on the level of Slade Wilson!"

As Penny, Joey, and Adeline do some research at Searchers, Inc., they're attacked by more guys in jetpacks. I'm not fluent in super villain evil plans so I probably shouldn't tell them how to do their jobs. But flying around in jetpacks in a small office room doesn't feel like it confers much of an advantage. And I'm probably right about my supposition because the jetpack guys get their asses kicked by Joey and Penny. Plus Joey manages to sneak in one of those probably unintentionally sexy mind control panels.

The other henchmen, so intrigued by what might come next, stand rooted to the stairs.

Penny winds up being kidnapped because, in the end, the advantage of jetpacks is too great to overcome. I was wrong after all. Which I totally knew I was! So, technically, I was right all along.

Surprising only those who voraciously tore into the comic book without glancing at the cover, Penny has been taken to Amsterdam. I bet they're about to have some kind of showdown there!

The big showdown is more of a big letdown as Jericho once again fails to rescue Penny. She's carried off yet again by the Quraci terrorists. Arthur Lord (that's Penny's dad's name! I finally committed it to my brain!) decides the only way to get her back is to give Qurac some promethium. But the only way to get it is for Jericho to break into STAR Labs! I guess that won't be a problem for him, seeing as how he's Wildebeest and an enemy to all Titans! Oops! That was probably a spoiler! Sorry!

Teen Titans Spotlight #4: Jericho Rating: C. Mostly it gets a C because I didn't really pay attention to the story. It's fairly standard villains playing each other while a hero gets caught up in the middle out of love story. And the main character barely gets to express himself across 24 pages! It's mostly Adeline putting words in his mouth and Jericho responding with an obscene gesture. So it could have been better than a C comic book. Who knows? Not me! I don't actually review these things! What kind of fool thinks they're getting subjective critiques from this asshole?!

Teen Titans Spotlight #3: Jericho

I've always loved Jericho's look. Nothing says "I'm a superhero!" less.

Judging by the cover, I think this story was based on an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

Being a swearmonger, I have no problem with any kind of cursing in any situation ever. But I know people exist who can't stand even the slightest swear. Do those people avoid talking about Alfred Hitchcock movies to avoid embarrassing themselves? What about when they say words like class, assassin, acetate, dictator, and country? What really confuses me is how people who don't swear constantly swear but they've replaced the socially unacceptable words with words of their own making. It's really the same thing! "Cheese and crackers!" is always weirdly said at the exact same moments that blasphemers would yell, "Jesus Christ!" If the words are providing the same essential cathartic outlet, has the non-swearer really improved the situation? Even the words often used to replace swear words acknowledge the replaced word in their similarity. And if the only thing I know about religion is correct (that thing where Jesus says if you thunk it, you done already sinned it), these people are all fucked. Unless swearing isn't really a sin. I suppose the only real sinful swearing is the taking the Lord's name in vain. Which means that people who won't say words like "fuck" and "shit" and "asshole" must believe those are alternate words for God. Weirdos!

I don't give a fuck about swearing because swearing doesn't make the world a worse place. Who needs decorum?! Decorum can go spindle itself in the granny basket!

Dammit. That was satisfying. I think I've just moved into the "Cheese and Crackers!" camp.

Look at that outfit! No wonder he spends the majority of his time inside other people's minds.

This issue is called "The Past is Prologue" and I just went into a profundity coma. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

How much prologue can a teenager have built up? I suppose it depends on your life experiences. Joseph had his throat slit by one of Jackal's henchmen, developed the ability to enter a person's mind and take control of their body, had a father who was the greatest mercenary in the world, and was able to grow fantastic facial hair at an early age. He's probably got some good prologue. But take another teenager like Rebecca Black and you realize sometimes there's not a whole lot of prologue. I mean, I guess she learned the order the days come in the week, how to eat cereal, and the ability to count seats in a vehicle. Not that I'm taking a shot at Rebecca Black! I was probably one of the only people to defend her when it was all the Internet rage to shit on her song "Friday." Sure, the lyrics were inane. But she was young and the song was as catchy as any hit pop song. Sometimes people are just generally assholes. I guess they needed to prove their intelligence by pointing out how they couldn't be fooled into enjoying a song with insipid lyrics. Fuck them. Rebecca Black, I'm a fan!

The story begins in Paris so obviously the scene opens on the Eiffel Tower. Sure, the characters could have been at the Louvre or the Moulin Rouge or Notre Dame or the Arc de Triomphe but how many readers would instantly realize the characters were in Paris then? Aside from the narration box saying, "You can actually feel Paris come alive at night." Which is kind of a gross sentence when the scene opens up on a huge phallus straining to fuck the sky.

Now, now! Don't be hurt that I assumed most people wouldn't recognize Paris by famous Paris landmarks other than the Eiffel Tower. I didn't mean you, of course! I meant all of the other readers! Try to remember that the main audience for this story are comic book readers and Americans. If the third circle of that Venn Diagram is "ignorant," it would subsume the other two circles.

Ha ha! Just kidding, comic book readers! Just yanking your Yankee chain, Americans! Ha ha! Good times.

This is Curt and Penny. They're, I don't know, international spies or something.

Penny's help comes in the form of Adeline Kane and her investigative agency, Searchers, Inc. But there's a dramatic love problem! Joseph (Jericho, for you know-nothings!) was in love with Penny two years ago but it ended when he thought she died. Marv Wolfman does remember Jericho is a teenager, right? I guess that's why, two years later, he's still pining over his dead girlfriend. Love seems more love-y when you're young! But sheesh, Joey! Get over it! It's not like you lost your cat!

Listening? He's been signing "Let me fuck your titties" for the last twenty minutes!

Penny likes Jericho because he doesn't speak, he apparently listens, he paints, he writes poetry, and he can grow underwear soaking facial hair. And since he can't say anything, they just go out to the garden and fuck.

Meanwhile, Penny's dad pays Adeline to fake his and his daughter's death. Adeline sees her son fucking Penny and says, "Yeah, whatever. Cash is awesome."

But that's all prologue! In the logue, Penny's father is amassing an army for some shenanigans he's getting up to. But instead of hiring a bunch of warriors, he's making the warriors all fight to the death so that he's only left with a few warriors who are the best warriors from dozens! Or the luckiest, maybe. I don't know. I'd rather have a bigger army with a bunch of guys ready to fight to the death than a small army of guys cocky from fighting other guys to the death and somehow surviving. But then, I've never considered myself arch-villain material.

Penny's father tells her to get to Searchers, Inc. to help find Curt. He's busy watching dozens of perfectly good soldiers die for his cause. She has a bit of unbelievable trouble on the way to the airport that I don't want to talk about. Seriously, you don't want me to talk about it either. Especially since I know nothing about how cars work so even though I feel like a car wouldn't suddenly go out of control if a person in the back seat managed to aim at and hit the gas line while shooting through the floor, I can't be sure and I'm not willing to watch any YouTube videos on the subject. Plus after she shoots the gas line, the driver says, "You're crazy! We'll both die!" as the car heads for a cliff which he drives right over. Because somehow shooting the gas line means the brakes and the steering suddenly don't work? I suppose it's possible since, as I said, I know nothing about cars! She shoots the lock on the back door to get out but the driver can't open his door because she shot the gas line. Man, I'm glad I know how to completely disable a car and trap the driver in it now! I'd better memorize where this deus ex gaslina sits in every make and model of car! I'll never be kidnapped again!

Back in the prologue, Penny learns that Joey can enter people's minds and take over their body's actions. But the person he controls can still speak because, lacking vocal cords or something, he can't control their vocal cords. Penny gets super excited thinking about all of the sex stuff they could do with that power. Or, I guess, the one sex thing where he takes over her body and jerks her off while she moans loudly.

Does this sign mean "Mom, I fucked my girlfriend's tits!"?

On the night Adeline intends to fake Penny and her father's deaths, Joey proposes to Penelope. Adeline sees him propose and thinks, "Yeah, whatever. Cash is awesome." Adeline blows up Penny's father's boat with Penny and her father on it just as she and Joey leave. I guess that was to really twist the knife in the son she apparently hates. Or at least doesn't love as much as money?

So that's the prologue and the past! Moving on to the logue and the present, Joey still mourns for his lover. But he's going to be in for a big surprise when she shows up alive at the door to Searchers, Inc. Especially since she didn't think he died and has been mourning him for two years. No, she knew he was alive and she was off getting finger-banged by Curt.

Penny is probably thinking, "Curt who?!"

Teen Titans Spotlight #3: Jericho Rating: C. Oh, the teenage sex drama! The longing! The pining! The fake deaths! The strange fucking way gas lines work! This is more like the Marv Wolfman I'm used to!

Deathstroke #5

Is this cover a metaphor for Batman, Deathstroke, and Harley comparing penises?

Last issue ended with Harley Quinn leading Deathstroke into a trap that will not get him killed at all because the trap is Batman and Batman doesn't kill for unknown reasons. I think if Harley really wanted to make Deathstroke pay for the betrayal in Russia, she could have led him into a vat of acid or a pit full of hyenas. Manipulating him into a fight with Batman just seems lazy and manipulative of DC readers' wallets.

After the fight with Batman, Deathstork Deathstroke will probably get back to his regular mission which is to learn the real name of his son Jericho. Hint: it's Joey. Sorry, that was a bad hint because it was actually the answer.

The first thing we learn is that Deathstroke became an absolute moron when he regained his youth.

Of course you're going to run into Batman if you set foot in Gotham! Batman is contractually obligated to take part in any story that takes place in Gotham.

The second thing we learn is that Deathstroke has a filthy mouth as he calls Harley a "$%#!" Yeesh! Even I don't swear like that!

The third thing we learn is that Batman is easily manipulated. If you put a bad guy in front of him, he has to begin throwing punches. That might also be part of his contract.

This issue is called "Battle Royale With Cheese" because it's about French teenagers on an island fighting to the death.

Tony S. Daniel knows he's bad at choreographing a fight scene which the reader can follow so he has Deathstroke explain every move Batman makes through his Narration Boxes. Meanwhile Harley calls the fight like a junior high school ringside announcer except she doesn't call either opponent "gay."

So far, a lot of "blow rolling" has been going down in this fight. Gay.

Deathstroke decides he's getting his ass kicked because he's not used to fighting with two eyes. So Fish up and dig the other one out with a spoon, you coward! Instead, Deathstroke hits Batman with a wall the building apparently didn't need. Then Batman throws some firecrackers in Slade's face because that's totally annoying. Then Slade says, "Maybe I should have mentioned this earlier when you asked me, 'Why are you here?', but if my son is killed while I'm fighting you (which I chose to do by ignoring your question earlier and just attacking you), I'm holding you responsible!" And Batman is all, "Well I'm holding you responsible for my dental bills and my laundry and my tailoring repairs although you did help me...er, Bruce Wayne demolish this building for free that he was going to demolish to make way for a bunch of high rent condominiums, so maybe we're even. Um, Bruce will pay me in weapons and shit cause he's cool like that." And Harley is all, "Stop talking, you butt munches!"

See? Absolute moron. Doesn't even know where the heart is.

Batman isn't very bright either. Why has he been getting tips from Harley? Was their date in New York so successful that he's all turned around on her? She isn't a violent maniac anymore because she kisses so well? I wonder if Batman calls his penis "Little Alfred" since it makes so many decisions in his life?

The fight continues for a few more pages with Batman beating the crap out of Deathstroke and Deathstroke narrating the entire thing so the reader understands why he's losing a battle in his own comic book. "I can't fight with two eyes! I'm too slow! Something about milliseconds! I-Ching is a dick! My face hurts! Joey! I mean, Jericho! Who's Joey? Oh wait! Batman should have killed me right now but he didn't which means the tables are now turned and I will win because I was almost dead but then wasn't which means I'm suddenly back to full strength! A-ha!" And then the building blows up because Harley rigged it with explosive cartoon presents.

She also thought Batman would defeat Deathstroke with one bat, man.

Deatstroke forgives Harley Quinn because he needs somebody to lead him to Jericho even though she previously implied she was hunting Jericho for the bounty on his head. Now she's going to team up with Deathstroke to save him because characters in this comic book can never remember what their motives were from one page to the next.

Meanwhile Rose brings Joey to meet somebody who can help him control his mental powers.

How come everybody calls Joey "Jericho" and Ravager "Rose"? You'd think they'd stay consistent with code names and secret identities. Oh wait. I forgot that Tony S. Daniel doesn't actually know that Jericho's real name is Joseph.

Opossum zaps Joey with the same thing he zapped Slade with in Issue #1 where Joey loses all control of his faculties and begins bleeding out of every visible orifice. And probably the other ones too but let's not think about that, okay? Sorry I even brought it up. Rose attacks Opossum but he blows up into several pieces before she can hack him up into even severaller pieces. Opossum was murdered by Bronze Tiger, Cheshire, and Odysseus's five best followers.

Whoops! I take it back. Oposssum was killed by Odysseus himself. And that must be Cheshire's granddaughter!

I guess Odysseus ultimately didn't trust Cheshire to lead this mission and decided to come himself. He also might have had to come because all of his followers killed each other when they were supposed to determine the five best. It's probably hard to stop at five survivors when you're desperately trying to stay alive.

Deathstroke didn't kill anybody this issue so his Lifetime Kill Count remains at 934.

Deathstroke #5 Rating: No change. This is a decently enjoyable comic book hampered by Tony S. Daniel's lazy writing. He just seems to be filling pages without actively remembering the things he's previously written as he goes along. He wants Deathstroke to fight Batman because that's something fans will love but it doesn't really make much sense. Batman was only there because of a tip from Harley but he gets embroiled in a battle that can easily lead to his death anyway. Why even engage in that confrontation when he can just tail Deathstroke to see what he's up to, especially when his lead came from Harley Quinn? And why is Odysseus now in Gotham when he was sending a team lead by Cheshire last issue? I suppose I have to allow for Harley's changes in motivation since she's a whimsical little pixie murderer. That's supposed to be ambiguous! Anyway, this comic book is doing what you'd expect from a Deathstroke comic book and I'm sure most people, sitting and reading it quickly, don't give a shit about the inconsistencies. Good for you! Enjoy!

Deathstroke #4

Harley is as big as one of Deathstroke's legs! Happy to see Tony S. Daniel is continuing to pursue the realistic route in his art.

Oh my god! Look at all the smoke and blood and weapons! I am so excited to read this comic book! You guys have no idea how many boners are going on in my office right now! Unless you understand human anatomy and then you might be able to make a fairly educated guess.

The issue begins in Russia in Red Fury's cozy safe house where he's brought Bronze Tiger and Slade Wilson to talk about the killing of Odysseus. Wouldn't it be great if Tony S. Daniel kept this story arc going for twenty years?! I don't know if I'd still be alive to finish it. I hope they have spinner racks in hell!

Bronze Tiger is currently being mind-controlled by Red Fury. But instead of just saying, "Dude, I can control people's minds!", for an explanation, he says, "Dude, I fucking manipulated his temporal lobe which is associated with perception, memory, speech, and auditory stimuli. Ain't no motherfucker gonna say Tony S. Daniel don't fuckin' do no research on his books!"

I think Slade shits himself in that middle panel.

So I've already read one page and no Harley Quinn. Come on! Why do you think people bought this issue?!

Bronze Tiger begins freaking out and screaming at Slade to kill her. Slade is all, "Her who? I don't see any 'her' here? Just me and Red Fury and I know I'm not a her because I looked at my junk in issue #2." Then Slade is all "Oh! Hey!" and jabs some of that truth serum into Red Fury's shoulder. Oh wait, I'm giving him too much credit. He does that just because he's curious. He doesn't realize Red Fury is the woman until he tears her shirt off and gets a peak at her lacy bra.

This is the panel immediately following the panel where Slade tears her top and reveals her boobs. "Well, since you've seen my tits, I guess I don't need to hide my face anymore!"

After Deathstork Deathstroke stabbed Red Fury with the serum, she said, "You've forced my hand, Slade. I'm sorry I have to hurt you." Then she attacked him with flaming blades. But as soon as he ripped her shirt and got a peak at her bosoms, she stopped attacking him. I guess that's her weakness?

Red Fury's real name is Kendal which is kind of weird since that's the name of the Non-Certified Spouse. She works for the Dead Bastards which, again, is weird because samesies again! As Kendal begins to spill all of her beans right into Slade's brain, the room suddenly fills up with Dead Bastards. Some guy named the Spanish Inquisitor that nobody expected shows up. Angelica turns back up alive and ready to jam Slade's new, young cock straight up her anal sphincter. Then I-Ching arrives and goes, "You owe me for the Rug Doctor rental. Fucking brains all over my new carpet, you prick."

Angelica can't stand looking twenty years old and asks I-Ching to do to her what he did to Slade to make him young because she looks like a fucking hag amongst all the fourteen year old girls Daniel loves to draw. But I-Ching is all, "Let me do a quick casting for you. The Hexagram says, 'Try again later.'"

I just did a virtual casting of the I-Ching and asked, "Will I become legendary?" My casting came up with Hexagram Fifteen, Chi'en/Modesty. "The Mountain does not overshadow the Plain surrounding it: Such modest consideration in a Superior Person creates a channel through which excess flows to the needy." See? "Superior Person!" I'll take that as a yes!

It's odd that the Spanish Inquisitor chose to use "suppressors" instead of "oppressors." But then, maybe he's being very specific about his word choice. Contrariwise, perhaps Tony S. Daniel is just a clumsy writer.

Slade's reaction to learning that The Dead Bastards want him to kill his father to keep this power out of the hands of all governments is to say, "There's got to be another way. You want me to kill my own father." You mean like you thought you had already done just for the erection it gave you last issue? The guy you hate so much you wanted to kill? Now it's going to be an issue because other people want him dead as well? Remember what I said about some guy being a clumsy writer a few sentences ago?

Slade, of course, says that he never would have agreed to killing his own father if not for the way his brain was fucked with. You do know, Tony S. Daniel, that all I have to do is pick up Issue #2 and reread it to know you're just changing shit on the fly to agree with the current plot you're writing, right? Or am I supposed to have forgotten how Slade was thoroughly excited to be murdering his own father since that was two whole months ago? And anything that sort of contradicts itself can just be edited when the trade comes out, right?

I can't wait until Tony S. Daniel loses the job on this title and another writer comes in and makes Slade old again!

Meanwhile somewhere else in the world that Tony S. Daniel doesn't feel like researching so he just labels it "Elsewhere," Odysseus manipulates Lady Shiva's temporal lobe which is associated with perception, memory, speech, and auditory stimuli. Which is why she pledges her loyalty and the loyalty of the League of Assassins to him. Oh boy, Ra's is going to be fucking pissed!

Bronze Tiger arrives to tell Lady Shiva that Jericho is in Gotham and that maybe they should all go to Gotham to catch him. He throws out a second plan where maybe they don't set foot into Gotham because he doesn't want to get humiliated by The Batman so maybe they just watch all the bridges and pick up Jericho when he's leaving?

Last issue ended with Slade finding out Jericho was in Gotham and getting ready to head out. But now it's been ten pages and Slade still isn't in Gotham even though Harley Quinn is right there on the cover making all of the Harley Fans ruin their underwear. I think Tony S. Daniel was inspired to add more twists to the story before sending Deathstroke to Gotham between writing the scripts for Issue #3 and Issue #4.

Tony Daniel: "So Deathstroke will board a plane to America but first he has to get a new passport since his old passport has the face of an old, half-blind man on it. Maybe I could do a double splash page of him waiting in line for his passport photo in an old Russian camera store full of old VHS recorders and Polaroids! Then finally he sits down to get his photo taken and the guy takes the picture before he's ready, so he kills him and all eighteen other creatures in the store, most of them wild, hungry dogs. No, no. That might be too boring. Oh! What if I make Red Fury a woman?! Holy shit! Then I could draw her tits and I'll actually be interested in drawing her when her mask comes off! And maybe she'll be working with a group of characters that we've already seen so I can just look at my old drawings from Issue #1 when I draw them! And they'll be called the Dead Bastards because that sounds cool, right? I guess I can push the Harley stuff back to the end of the issue even though it's too late to change the cover. Hmm, I wonder if I sent those photos I took of the young girls at the mall to David Finch yet?"

Tony S. Daniel did think about the passport problem as well since Bronze Tiger mentions Slade will be taking "undocumented transport" to Gotham. Then Odysseus and Lady Shiva think, "How did this guy kill Deathstroke and get information out of him when he's just this minor B-list kung fu guy?" So Odysseus looks deep into his soul which is a lot like a prostate exam. He discovers Bronze Tiger isn't lying (or at least doesn't know he's lying! *wink wink* (I probably shouldn't wink since that's an ableist privilege that characters with one eye, like Odysseus, can't engage in without explaining that they were winking and not blinking)) and decides to send Bronze Tiger, Lady Shiva, and five of his "best-suited followers" to Gotham.

Really? There's no other way to determine your best followers? Maybe an obstacle course? I bet the last five standing are fifteen year old girls!

Oh! Since the action is moving to Gotham, maybe Tony S. Daniel will be the first person since David Finch created the White Rabbit to actually use her in a story arc instead of just sticking her in background shots of multiple Gotham villains! She's the type of character he loves to draw!

Finally the action moves over to Gotham City where Harley Quinn continues to wait to appear in the comic book because first we need the Rose Wilson/Joey Wilson reunion! And forgive me if I begin to curse like the fabled sailors of yore because it's a fucking disaster. Once again, I'm haunted by the previous versions of New 52 Deathstroke (as well as Preboot Deathstroke too! So all you New 52 haters can join right along with this rant. You know the words!). First off, and least offensive, is Rose Wilson's new costume. She's either working with her grandfather or she idolizes him so much that her entire costume is based on the fact that he's missing his left eye. Second, she calls Joey her "little brother." So that throws some wrenches into Deathstroke's past. Is Rose actually Adeline's daughter now? Or did Deathstroke have an affair with Rose's mother while still with Adeline? If that were the case, how do Rose and Joey Jericho have such a tight bond? Maybe Tony S. Daniel will answer those questions later since he obviously doesn't give a shit about any of Deathstroke's previous history. Lastly, Rose, like her father, calls Joey "Jericho" while weeping and hugging him and promising to never let anybody hurt him ever again. I really don't think Tony Daniel knows Jericho's actual name (the name his family would most probably call him by!) is Joseph!.

Deathstroke Career Kill Count: 934 (I just thought, since he has yet to draw a weapon this issue (although he did rip a bodice!) that I'd remind myself of the kill count!)

I guess the undocumented travel report from Bronze Tiger was a lie! Also, nobody expected the Spanish Inquisitor to be gay!

And finally on page 16, Harley Quinn makes an appearance! Tony S. Daniel does his best at "silly" which isn't very good at all but what can you do? At least he draws her like she actually looks (ten years ago). Harley and Slade spend a few panels discussing the betrayal of the Suicide Squad which Harley promised Amanda on the phone last issue Slade would pay for. But then by the fourth panel of their meeting, Slade declares "that's in the past," and it's time to move on to Tony S. Daniel's story. Why should he have to deal with the mess Sean Ryan left behind after his first arc on Suicide Squad? Tony S. Daniel has funny Harley lines to write!

Harley and Slade negotiate a nonsensical deal to work together. So no money and no dead Amanda Waller but Slade will get Harley off the Squad? But she seems like she's off the squad all the time in her own title! This Harley Quinn must be a clown! I mean clone!

Harley doesn't really care about helping Deathstroke for any amount of anything. As she constantly tells him, panel after panel, she's a little bit upset about the way he betrayed the team in Russia. So she's just luring him into a trap. And a double page spread!

I hope Batman asks Deathstroke about the time Deathstroke, hopped up on Venom, dropped out of the sky onto the Batplane!

Deathstroke #4 Rating: No change. That was a pretty disappointing Harley Quinn guest appearance! She just killed time for a few pages until Batman could show up and really make this comic book some money! But was it worth pissing off all of the Harley Quinn fans with a Harley Quinn cover only to have her in about five pages of comic book? By DC's standards, probably! Not like any of them wouldn't have already been wary about a Harley appearance in a Tony S. Daniel book. But next issue is Batman versus Deathstroke! That should sell a million copies! Especially since Harley Quinn will still be in it and even Harley fans will have to admit they're going to stick around to see Harley comment on the fight! Even if Tony S. Daniel doesn't quite have her voice down. Unless he does? How should I know! I just like Harley Quinn because of her body!

Deathstroke #3

So much blood! This issue must be super exciting!

When this series began, Deathstroke's kill count was at 600, give or take a few. Last issue, Deathstroke killed 300 men in one battle. So he's at least up to 900 kills. I'll give him another 30 for issue one even though that's a complete guess. Does that sound about right? So let's keep a Deathstroke kill count going!

Current Deathstroke Killcount: 930

This issue begins with Slade wandering through the snow with no grey hair and two eyes. It's hardly even the same character! Especially the way he stumbles and falls over from exhaustion. Slade can't be defeated by snow! What the hell is wrong with this comic book? I bet Tony S. Daniel is just preparing for a double splash page! Because you know how artists make the big money, right? By selling their original art of double splash pages! Fuck how well it fits into the story, man. Tony S. Daniel has bills to pay!

He could have at least fallen down so I could read the credits.

As he lies unconscious in the snow, he remembers his conversation with Joey when he found him in a force field being manipulated by Odysseus. I get why Joey calls his father Slade but I don't know why Deathstroke keeps thinking of Joey as Jericho. Or boy! Disrespectful!

Slade mentions Rose and I pretend not to flip the fuck out over the convoluted past history of Deathstroke and how in all of the different versions of Slade's New 52 life, only the Team 7 version treated Slade's family as if all three children knew each other. So I guess we're going with that version even though it made no sense at the time as Rose and Joey and Grant all reminisced about eating sandwiches together. Or something.

Hell, I don't think this even squares up with Deathstroke's Villains Month issue and that was just over a year ago.

Slade doesn't remember if he eventually freed Joey...er, I mean, Jericho or not. So Slade picks himself up out of the snow after the nice rest and remembrance to continue heading toward his super duper secret safehouse! It must still be full of weapons and Hot Pockets because even Slade Wilson himself almost died trying to find it! No way Odysseus got to this one!

But maybe Opossum did because he was way more powerful than Deathstroke.

No wait! Tony S Daniel decided Slade needed to have more memories after one more page of walking! He remembers saving his naked son and fighting through more of those Eye People.

Current Deathstroke Killcount: 934

I had to add them to the killcount because he only just remembered them.

While escaping, Joey is forced to use his powers against the scientists trying to restrain him.

Gross! He's naked!

Deathstroke teaches Joey Jericho an important lesson that all fathers should teach their children: "Sometimes we have to do bad things for good reason." Yes, yes! Exactly! Also, I sometimes do good things for bad reasons. Both are generally viable solutions to life's problems.

Joey Jericho and Slade discover Odysseus who is also naked. A lot of naked shit goes down in Deathstroke's memories! Odysseus claims that the three of them together make the most powerful power ever. But before they get the power flowing, does Slade have to get naked as well?

Apparently Odysseus is Deathstroke's father. I guess he died and was reborn with Joey Jericho's help since the last time we saw Slade's dad which was in a hospital bed in Gary, Indiana in Deathstroke #8. Slade hates his father because his father once sold him to pay off a ten thousand dollar debt. There were other reasons he hated him too but that one kind of stands out. Deathstroke has a short conversation with his father before getting in the final word.

Current Deathstroke Killcount: 935

This family really has some serious trust issues.

That's the end of Slade's memory. He makes it to his safehouse and thinks about how he hasn't seen his father since he was twelve. Lies! I read Deathstroke #8 and Slade most certainly saw his father! It's the entire reason Slade Wilson does what he does! To prove his father wrong! It's a stupid reason but it was right there in Deathstroke #8! DC Comics, you suck at reboots. I mean, you're pretty good at rebooting over and over again. But how could you fuck up Deathstroke and his history so badly in the space of three years? Fucking imbeciles. And did you even ask Tony S. Daniel to familiarize himself with the past Deathstroke book? I assume you didn't since why should a writer base anything he's writing on what has actually happened to the character. It's not like the main reason people love comic books is the long history of the characters! Oh wait, you already killed that long history when you began The New 52 anyway. So I guess dumping Deathstroke's history three or four more times since then shouldn't be such a big deal.

But has Tony S. Daniel ever read any story with Deathstroke?! I don't think he knows that Jericho's actual name is Joseph!

The only reason Slade wandered so far out in the snow is to get a hidden satellite phone. But somebody beat him to it! The guy who he trusted completely right up until Red Fury said, "Are you sure you can trust him completely?" And then Slade was all, "You're right! Ew! I hate that guy!" That guy is Bronze Tiger! And they wind up fighting! At least Bronze Tiger doesn't have the head of a tiger like in Red Hood and the Outlaws. That's greeeeeaaaaat!

What does that mean? "Too good for your own sake"? Does it mean he's going to beat himself?! That's pretty good!

Red Fury shows up to put an end to the fight...for now! I don't know where he came from but a VTOL follows after him, so they all load up and head to some cozy chalet to make plans against Odysseus. Who I guess isn't dead even though Slade shot him in the eye. Unless that wasn't Odysseus. It also might not have been his father. Also, Joey Jericho may have been Odysseus.

What makes Red Fury think Jericho is the only one that can kill Odysseus? Doesn't anybody want to see the scientific reasons for this theory? Or are they just going to try again and hope this assumption holds true? I remember earlier this issue when Deathstroke said he doesn't hope!

Red Fury has learned that Joey Jericho is headed to Gotham City. So now it's time for Slade to go battle The Batman! Again! Remember the time they fought early on in The New 52? Of course you don't! Let me remind you: it was a dark and stormy night. Two-Face had just declared that he was One-Face. Some hot piece of ass calling herself The White Rabbit was thonging it up all over Gotham. Batman was flying his Batplane over Gotham Bay when Deathstroke, completely fucked up on Venom for no reason at all, drops out of the sky and onto the Batplane! Holy shitballs, Batman! What a crazy day! They fought then they fell out of the sky then Deathstroke quietly disappeared from Batman's life. Although on revisiting the story, I think maybe The White Rabbit teleported Deathstroke onto the Batplane with her finger guns. That still doesn't explain what Deathstroke was doing there and on Venom.

Anyway, I think Batman is probably too busy to deal with Deathstroke. So somebody else is waiting for him in Gotham.

Oh look! It's a fifteen year old dressed as Harley Quinn. How adorable!

Deathstroke #3 Rating: No change. There are so many things I don't like about this comic book but I can't really fault it too much on starting Deathstroke's history over. I can fault Daniel for the lousy plot but it's really not much worse than most average comic book plots. Maybe it's better but I can't see that it's better because of all that messed up stuff about not having seen his dad even though he did see his dad recently. And why doesn't Slade call his son Joey? Even when he thinks about him, he thinks of him as Jericho. And I hate that they youthed Slade up! Well, at least Daniel's art is nice to look at. It pains me to say that because I tend to concentrate on his flaws and weak points. I suppose if you're new to Deathstroke in The New 52, and you're one of those people that always thought when reading Deathstroke, "This would be more enjoyable if he weren't an old fucking man!", then you'll probably enjoy this comic book a lot. People die and shit, so that's cool, right?

Deathstroke #21

Hey DC! We already had Deathstroke #1! This is Issue #21!

I suppose this could be New 52 Deathstroke #1 Volume 2, or New 52 Deathstroke #21 Volume 1, or New 52 Teen Titans 23.2. I've been completely ignoring which series the Villains have been usurping because it hasn't always made sense. Plus I just don't want to put extra periods in the names of my jpg files. You never know what's going to screw up some internet code somewhere down the line! I just try to avoid all punctuation in my file names. I'm going to refer to this issue as Deathstroke #21 even though nobody else will notice after this paragraph in which I had to point it out for no fucking reason at all.

The issue begins with Deathstroke interrupting a group of mercenaries (or soldiers (or Wildstorm goons (or Image jerks (or 90s comic book bad asses)))) as they stand in a line on a roof in a basement for tactical advantageousness.

From right to left, they are: DEATHBLOW!, SPLINTERCELL KILLMURDER!, ASSASSIN'S CREED DEATHMACHINE!, BLOODMUSTACHE (with 80s cellphone accessory)!, MODEL OF GENOCIDE!, BLOODCOAT!, KILLER ENNUI!, and GOGGLES McDEATHHURT!

How ridiculous must both of these guys feel to be calling each other by a "death" name? You can tell Deathblow is more embarrassed by how stupid their names sound when heard one after the other than he is upset that Deathstroke is about to take his job from him. My other favorite moment from this opening page is that one of the writers names is Dooma! Perfect!

I think Anonymous would want me to make a penis joke here even though most penises don't spring directly from the kidney.

Deathstroke: "Come on, Deathblow. You were in fucking Grifter. We both know how this encounter is going to end."
Deathblow: "If you hadn't noticed, Deathstroke, I have seven ridiculously named compatriots to help put you down."
Deathstroke: "I'm not going down. You are going down."
Deathblow: "Really? We're really talking about making each other go down?"
Deathstroke: "Look who's talking, DeathBLOW!"
Deathblow: "As if "stroke" after Death is any better! Where'd we get our names? 'Shittiest Innuendos Я Us'?"
Deathjob: "Ha ha. You were in Grifter."
Deaththroat: "SHUT UP! I'LL FREAKIN' KILL YOU!"

After Deathstroke knocks down Deathblow and his Death Cronies, Slade hops in the elevator and a page of confusing shit takes place. Being that I'm not as dumb as my fourth grade teacher testified to, I know that Deathstroke and Deathblow end up fighting in an elevator shaft. But the whole scene is poorly plotted and drawn since Deathstroke begins in an elevator shaft barely as big as his body which then widens to allow Deathblow to throw a flying kick at him. Also (and I just had this thought), wasn't Deathblow black in Grifter? Now I need to go back and check!

Yep. He definitely was. Maybe this building just has really strange lighting.

Anyway, Deathstork Deathstroke makes it to the roof of the apparently only building in which the target can be sniped from. I'm not sure why Deathblow needed seven other people to come along with him to watch him snipe the target. Those sniper rifles can be pretty big. Perhaps Deathblow needed the extra teammates to carry all the pieces while Deathstroke managed to fit all the pieces of the gun in one parcel on his back.

That is a big fucking gun though. Don't feel bad, Deathblow. I'd probably need a few extra people to help carry it as well.

Unless Deathblow and his buddies have been paid to keep Deathstroke from killing the target! That might be why Deathblow was a little bit pissed when he realized he'd have to defend against Deathstroke. I guess with a name like "Deathblow," my first reaction isn't that he's going to be some guy's bodyguard.

While Deathstroke's bullet is traveling through the air, Slade has enough time to think about his first mission with Deathblow before they were super-heroes. He remembers delivering an Atari Jaguar to a children's hospital during a battle only to find out that the Atari Jaguar was a bomb. The children were heartbroken although if he'd have delivered Aliens vs Predator at the same time, they probably would have forgotten all about the war as they battled each other endlessly. Instead, Slade quit the Army vowing never again to cause children pain. Or maybe he just didn't like taking orders.

After that memory, while the bullet is still flying because Slade uses 90% of his brainpower and can think almost as fast as a regular person, Deathstroke thinks about his son Grant being born. Slade begins to remember how he needs to forget what Liefeld did to him and begin to remember some new stuff that makes more sense.

Like how Grant was killed in North Korea at the same time Slade lost his eye.

It's not just Liefeld's stuff that's being rewritten; DC apparently didn't like what Kyle Higgins did either. Because here Slade is treating Grant as if he was the best that ever was and did everything for his son because he loved him so much. As opposed to the way Higgins wrote the relationship where Slade treated Grant like a coach constantly berating the best kid on the team for not being better than the best. Also Ravager was killed by Midnighter in a an explosion instead of being gunned down by North Korean soldiers while Slade lost his eye. Oh well. It's not like I didn't expect Deathstroke's history to completely change seeing as how DC gave the character to Liefeld to sodomize as he pleased.

Slade realized that the soldiers knew where to find him because Adeline let them know so that she and Joseph could be safe. Still no sign of Rose Wilson though. She must be a clone of Deathstroke or Ravager since her history was never told in Superboy or Team 7 or Deathstork Deathstroke. Except the rest of the family recognize her back in Team 7 when they have to fight Majestic. Maybe her story will be told next while the bullet still hasn't exploded the target's head.

Except it isn't because the bullet finally hits the target and blows off his arm. Close enough. Immediately after, Slade stands up and a man in a suit hands him a briefcase. Really? The guy was just hanging out on the roof waiting to pay the killer? The man escapes by helicopter just as Deathstroke has to fight Deathblow and the Murdernauts once again.

"Noooooo! Why am I fucking white?! I'll be baaaaaaaaaaaa--!"

And finally, after two years of mostly shitty Deathstroke comic books, DC decides to introduce a little bit of Rose Wilson back story.

Although there's still a lot to be told. Like who is the mother? And how does Rose share so many memories with Joseph and Grant if she was raised separately and was so much younger? I suppose that's not really much of a question since this issue was simply to show that Deathstroke is getting a Rebooted Reboot.

Deathstork Deathstroke #21 Rating: I get that Deathstroke's history needed some serious straightening out. But if DC's go-to method is going to be rebooting a character every time they realize editorial didn't think things through enough while a writer was putting some stories together, they're just going to fuck up the whole reason for a Reboot. Yeah, yeah. The Reboot is all about money and getting more people to throw money at their products. Which is also why they Reboot a character that has received shitty treatment since the Big Reboot. Not enough people were paying to read Deathstroke, so DC kept changing the character until nothing made any sense. Although, really, it was just allowing Liefeld to write whatever the fuck he decided to write that really made no sense. When a writer comes onto a series and gives the title character's motivation as something that directly contradicts that character's motivation as seen in the previous issue, you've got a shitty writer that just doesn't fucking care about the characters and his fans. And you've got asshole editors that allow that kind of thing which seems a bit disrespectful of the previous writer (you know, Higgins).

Anyway. I didn't hate this issue or anything. It's just I feel the need to rank it really, really poorly because it's simply here to clean up a character that DC has handled poorly from the beginning. I'm also not a fan of just changing everything about a character with not even an attempt at an explanation. At least Twat Lobo makes sense in the grand scheme of the Reboot. It makes even more sense if Lobo still has his power where he can generate clones of himself from (while maybe not a single drop of blood since that could get too crazy) hemorrhoids or burned off genital warts. And maybe Lobo doesn't realize he has that power, so now Twat Lobo and Magenta Lobo and maybe other Lobos will start crawling out of the Universal Woodwork!