DC Universe Presents #0: OMAC, Mister Terrific, Hawk & Dove, Blackhawks, Deadman

Now it's time for Where Are They Now Theater! Starring all of the DC Heroes that failed to maintain a large enough audience. Mostly because when The New 52 began, DC's fans were going to spend their money largely on popular heroes they were familiar with even if the writers of several Batman titles spectacularly sucked balls. I mean really, really spectacularly. So good. So this is the issue to show the fans what they missed out on! Lets see what they've been up to since we, or at least I, last encountered them. Or maybe I'll get to learn their origins so I finally feel complete.

First up is OMAC. Judging by the art and the six panel standard layout, my guess is that Keith Giffen is doing the art. But I've been fooled by that before! Also, the story takes place two years ago. Little does OMAC know he'll be cancelled in a scant 20 months from now.

Nice title, Giffen. Looks like it's the exact same creative team as the regular series.

Maxwell Lord and Brother Eye are pushing to get the OMAC program up and running. But as you may have read in the panel I scanned, the process has a very small chance of succeeding. Max is busy smoking and not being in a neck brace. I guess that's because Wonder Woman only snaps his neck after the OMAC protocol is let loose upon the world.

I'm not sure how Brother Eye came to be working with Maxwell Lord. But Brother Eye was created by Batman using Apokolips technology for the purposes of keeping an eye on the newly emerging super powered beings. Batman (at the current time) has no idea that Brother Eye gained sentience from the Apokolips tech.

Yes, Brother Eye respects the decision. Which is why he goes on to fill a full page with enough information that even self-obsessed Hal Jordan could figure out who created Brother Eye.

Max and Brother Eye continue to dance around who is more powerful and who has stolen more information from whom. Max cuts Brother Eye's links to Checkmate but too late. Brother Eye has already taken control of the OMAC virus for himself and he's found his test subject.

Hey! That's who I was going to suggest!

Oh, and that's the end!

OMAC #0 Rating: Origin's Mostly Ass Candy

Next up is Mister Terrific! This teeny tiny story is written by James Robinson and drawn by Tom Derenick. And it begins like a super sexy Tom DeFalco/Scott Lobdell Jam.

"I'm super smart! I'm going to wear spandex and fly around on tiny Phantasm balls! LOOK AT MY FUCKING NIPPLE! IT'S SO TINY!"

Mister Terrific's origin is simply him finding 9D space and creating some technology and sticking a "T" sticker on his face and creating some T-spheres and being smart and having had his wife and son die and being visited by his son from Earth 2 although he doesn't know that yet and that's about it! The first thing he does after donning his T-Mask is enter a rift in 9D space. He enters into a probability matrix which allows him glimpses of the future. Like Flash's super speed mental precognition power (which is dumb), this power is stupid (which is a synonym for dumb). He sees that he'll meet some new friends in funny costumes and that a scarred man will eventually kill him. But he emphasizes that this is a "probability matrix" which means none of these visions are completely destined to come true.

Wow. Isn't science and being super smart grand? It's also really boring. Do something exciting, Mister Terrific!

Mister Terrific is ejected from the rift and immediately forgets everything he saw. What the fuck?! What was the point of that? He barely remembers entering it but he decides to enter it again. Is this guy really the third smartest guy on Earth? Because he's the dumbest mother fucker in the ninth dimension, that's for sure! How many times is he planning on entering and exiting and forgetting and wanting to enter again because he forgot what just happened? Luckily, some trouble on Earth distracts him and he heads off to introduce Los Angeles to Mister Terrific.

And then there's a super surprise twist!

Oh look! In a comic about a science believing atheist, the ghost of his son turns out not to be paranormal at all! Is that Mister 8, by the way? The smartest man on Earth 2? I can't wait until Mister Terrific meets Deadman and Death from the Endless. Explain those away, big shot atheist!

Mister Terrific #0 Rating: Really pretty pedestrian and boring.

Oh fuck me in every gaping orifice! Next up is Hawk and Dove written by Rob Liefeld and drawn by his shadow, Marat Mychaels. Swoon!

The episode is title "Balance of Power" because get it? That question makes sense if you're a cynical asshole who doesn't give a fuck about his English degree. Hawk and Dove balance each other out! Male and female! Aggressive and calm. Chaos and Order. War and Peace. Penis and Vagina. Did I do that one already? Anyway, the first page shows Dove grinding against Hawk's package while they float aimlessly in space. Shut up! I'm not lying! Look for yourself!

Did Liefeld teach Mychaels how to do grimaces? Good job!

Why can't Hawk and Dove represent Sex and Abstinence? That would be such a better comic book. Hey?! Is anybody taking any notes here? I've done over 700 of these commentaries and they're mostly littered with great ideas! Yes, I said! GREAT IDEAS! What we need is a crew of mediocre writers and great artists to make some of these visions come to life! Any takers?! Seriously, people. Stop being so grown-up and adult and let's have some fucking fun.

The incarnations of Chaos and Order, War and Peace, are currently arguing with each other in deep space. Peace thinks balance needs to be maintained. War thinks Peace should shove eighteen blue dwarfs up her ass. Their debate is pretty pointless since War/Chaos doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

Chaos and War isn't about fighting evil and destroying darkness! It's about conflict and total random bullshit! It's kind of like that Activision game from the 80s where hamburgers rained down from the sky as you manned a spaceship and tried to destroy them. Chaos! War/Chaos doesn't want to destroy the darkness with one blow! Because then there would be fucking peace, you idiot!

War is acting all pissy because he believes that Peace manipulated events to give Dawn Granger the power of Dove. And War is a sexist bastard that can't handle a woman being Dove. Actually, War doesn't like the idea of Dawn Granger being Dove because she's the most powerful Avatar anyone has ever seen. Which makes me suspect that Hank Hall shouldn't be the Avatar of War. Someone better is out there waiting to take his place. That's what the God of War should be concerned with. Finding an equal to Dawn Granger's Dove.

Then some other stuff happens and it's just as stupid as the initial run of Hawk and Dove. I think the relationship between Peace and War is way too delicate and intimate a relationship to be handled by a hack writer like Rob Liefeld. He needs to stick to people shooting bullets into other people's faces and random people suddenly betraying other people simply for the twist, even if it makes no sense for the character to do it. And now I can't wait for The Savage Hawkman #0 and Liefeld's last writing gig with DC!

Hawk and Dove #0 Rating: Unbalanced!

Next up is the Blackhawks and we're almost done! This comic cost $6. I think that's bullshit but what do I care about money and prices? Since I don't mind my taxes going to social programs that help other people obtain needed benefits, that must mean I'm a lazy, entitled asshole. Never mind that I own my own business. Also, fuck everyone that has a problem with taxes going to universal health care that could help every single mother fucker in this country but don't mind their taxes going to the imperialist war machine that only kills, maims, and creates havoc. And if you think that rant didn't belong here, did you fucking not read that whole bit about the balance between War and Peace?

Blackhawks is written by Tony Bedard and drawn by Carlos Rodriguez with inks by BIT. What the hell kind of name is BIT? Is DC employing tracing robots now? Why am I still reading this comic? I want to read about Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld!

That's not how I remember it at all! Aquaman stabbed Darkseid in the eyeballs!

So The Blackhawks were created for the exact same reason that Team Seven was created. But the Blackhawks were a United Nations team, right? And Team Seven seems to have been a team gathered together by the secret leaders of the world. Although they really are kind of the same read. Like I said in Team Seven, the Team Seven is just the Blackhawks with more recognizable members.

This is what I hate about the Blackhawks. They officially don't exist but they fly around with a fucking logo on their helicopter. Hello? UNMARKED HELICOPTERS!

The Blackhawks go in screaming as much military lingo as possible to prove to the reader that they're a military unit. Okay, okay! I get it! Y'all are soldiers and shit! And then there's at least this one panel that reminds me what I liked about the cancelled series.

Even more so than Men of War, it expressed the emotions of normal humans in a war torn world that suddenly facing some really crazy, cosmic, super-powered weirdness.

And then they run into an ambush while trying to rescue a downed comrade. This is the moment that Lady Blackhawk loses an eye although she shoves a grenade down the Parademon's throat with a grenade launcher. The Blackhawks survive to find their missing Lieutenant hooked up to some Apokolips technology. They release her but she doesn't go willingly. Whoever she was, she's now become Mother Machine! She flees from the scene to appear in the Blackhawks regular series for a few issues. And I'm sure she'll be back again in the future.

Blackhawks #0 Rating: Their origin was as simple as every other government agency created in DC. "Super Heroes might be a problem!" "Create an agency to protect us from them!" But this origin was actually more about Mother Machine. Which was so-so and doesn't really matter anyway. I think the Blackhawks proved that most people don't want to buy the comic, so there isn't any reason for Mother Machine to appear in the DCnU any time soon.

And last, it's Deadman! Another chapter, called "Instant Karma," written by Tony Bedard and drawn by Scott McDaniel and Guy Major.

Deadman's origin has him entering the first person after Rama Kushna cursed him with eternal atonement. The man he enters is the man who killed him. But Boston doesn't want to play the game. He exits the target when he thinks the target is about to be killed by a mafia co-worker. But things fall apart and an innocent woman is shot. Boston Brand re-possesses the guy, calls the cops, and gets the man arrested while the woman gets help. It's a little bit of a great power, great responsibility Spiderman moment. Except Rama Kushna reminds Boston that these powers aren't a gift. They're a punishment and a curse and he'd better start acting like it or more pain and misery will be visited upon him. The End!

Deadman #0 Rating: I'm not sure why this story was included. Maybe I'm stupid. Or maybe I've just had too much Sake. Or maybe I just want to start reading Amethyst already!

Blackhawks #8

Finally! A cover that probably represents the actual story inside. Maybe.

Andrew Lincoln, not yet fake dead, gets a report from the members of his team.

Reading the last issue of a cancelled comic is like the last day at a job or the final day of school. Who the fuck cares?

Kunoichi collapsed immediately after acting creepy last issue. So she's transported back to The Eyrie along with Irish and Lincoln and Canada. Lady Blackhawk and Attila remain behind with the prisoner, Hammer Steig, until the clean-up team arrives. I don't know who the Clean-up team are. Perhaps it should have been the comic to replace Blackhawks. Blackhawks: Clean-up Team! Sort of like the Legion of Substitute Heroes except with more vulgarity, poker, and unscheduled smoke breaks.

During her medical check-up, she stops faking unconsciousness and takes out Blackhawks: Medical Team!

Kunoichi hacks into the mainframe which is connected to a few other computers around the world due to some sort of global internet. Probably not the best idea. Look at what happened with the Brainiac A.I. on Krypton! Now Mother Machine is going to take over Earth unless Father Time or Brother Eye can stop her! Is there a Sister somewhere I'm missing out on? I bet she's hot.

How about I not even finish reading this final issue and just make up an ending? No, no. I won't do that. I promise.

Everything on the base shuts down and Mother Machine broadcasts to the entire base that she's about to change the world for the worst forever. Well, for the best in her eyes. But I'm pretty sure the best, to her, means eradicating humans. Canada recognizes her and flips out.

Apparently the artists were just phoning it in at this point. Literally phoning it in! They were calling up Mike Costa and telling him what they would draw and he'd have to draw it!

Immediately after this, having seen what Mother Machine can do, Canada puts a bullet in his head. Irish hears the shot and runs into the base, having been detained outside to scan him for Nanocites. As he's rushing toward Canada's body, Kunoichi steps out from around the corner.

She proceeds to do this for 11 pages before succeeding in killing Irish.

After Kunoichi murders Irish, she realizes her Nanocites have greatly improved everything about her human body, including pregnancy. They help the sperm to meet the egg, fertilize it, and help the fetus grow. Within minutes, Kunoichi is ready to give birth. And that's when Andrew Lincoln walks around the corner to find her!

Yeah, I didn't need to draw see that!

Lincoln loses his mind witnessing the birth of Kunoichi's baby and throws himself off of the cliff outside The Eyrie. He must survive somehow (probably with the Bouncy Inflation Shields they used on the attack of Hammer Industries last issue) but that isn't shown here. But since he comes back in Mister Terrific #8 saying he faked his own death, he survives somehow.

After Kunoichi/Mother Machine gives birth, she realizes that her baby is part human and part machine. She can no longer bring herself to destroy the human race. She promises to give her child that choice when it grows up. Kunoichi teleports away for good.

Lady Blackhawk and Attila arrive back at The Eyrie to find it in total chaos. Lady Blackhawk yells, "Everybody cool it!" and things go back to normal. She marries Attila and they rule The Eyrie happily ever after. The end!

That was one fucked up weird ending. But what the hell, right, Writer Mike Costa? I'd probably do the same thing if DiDio axed my comic so quickly.

Blackhawks #8 Rating: +3 Ranking! That ending was fucking awesome! High Five! Fist Bump! Anal Penetration! Goooooooooooo BLACKHAWKS!

Blackhawks #7

Does this happen or is Kunoichi going to fight that green tentacle thing in this issue?

This comic begins 18 months previously, so I guess there's no need for a recap of the last issue. Plus I just read the last issue three hours ago, so I still remember most of it. The reason Blackhawks begins in a flashback is because Mike Costa wants us to see how Kunoichi and Wildman met. It's very brief.

It's an age old story: Woman's air conditioning breaks down. Alpha Level Support is called down fraudulently to fix it. Woman sits around naked while Support repairs Air Conditioning. Support acts embarrassed. Woman falls in love. Support falls in love. Two families go to war. Five people left dead.

Wildman was killed in the explosion and Lady Blackhawk suffered a concussion, three broken ribs and a shattered knee. A handful of other staff were also killed. Kunoichi's heart was broken. Irish's new arm has yet to be explained.

Andrew Lincoln mobilizes Alpha team to lead a strike against Matteo Bischoff, real name Steig Hammer. Wait, what? Really? It's not the opposite? He's a weapons manufacturer and he keeps normal day job working hours in Finland. So the Blackhawks are going to go meet him for lunch. Steig will be having several servings of boot.

The team consists of Irish, Kunoichi, Attila, Lady Blackhawk (shattered knee and all), Atlanta Canada, and Andrew Lincoln (not pictured).

The team attacks. Irish and Attila are laid low by a Nanocite attack on their spines. Kunoichi's Nanocites repel the attack and she makes it to Steig Hammer's office. But he traps her in an unbreakable glass case and fills it with his own Nanocites which will allow him to take control of her. What they actually do is allow Mother Machine to take control of Kunoichi. Steig thinks he's won until Canada's crippled plane come crashing into the office. Oh, don't worry. It somehow doesn't kill him.

See? It just knocks him off of his feet!

Canada also escapes the crash unharmed and steps from the cockpit to kick Hammer in the face. Then he checks on Kunoichi to make sure she's okay.

Hmm, everything seems fine! Next issue!

Blackhawks #7 Rating: No change. This issue was just a stepping stone to the final issue where Kunoichi turns on everyone. Oh, and the cover to this issue? Once again, it's the cover for a completely different story. I think as soon as this book was cancelled, Mike Costa changed up the story to end it in by cancellation. But I don't think anybody informed the cover artist that the scripts had changed. I think Issue #6 was probably going to be the story where Kunoichi is taken over by her Nanocites and by Mother Machine. Then this issue was going to have Kunoichi betraying the team. Unless the guy on the cover is some bad guy named Death Spiral? That's a pretty decent probability.

Blackhawks #6

That might be Kunoichi on the cover. Maybe. Fighting with Mother Machine. Possibly.

Last issue wrapped up a lot of loose ends. Kind of. Everything about this comic is ambiguous! Also, why are they called the Blackhawks? Were they named after a military helicopter or a Native American? Or, you know, an actual bird? And why?

Nobody cares. Moving on.

The issue begins with the Blackhawks in Argentina fighting sentient Legos.

Or possibly sentient Polaroids. You know, Polaroids? Pretty much the digital camera for the first 9/10s of the 20th Century.

The intelligence of the Modular Creature (or Creatures?) grows as more of the creatures connect (like I said! Sentient Lego!). But they're going to take it out easily enough with an Electromagnetic Pulse before it (they?) reach a populated center. The only problem: Canada's plane does not have shielding to avoid being disabled by the pulse. But no problem, right? Canada says he can land a brick! Wow! He's good!

I'll let Mr. Schmidt wrap up the opener for everyone.

Also, the JLI is ineffectual while the Blackhawks have a pretty decent success rate. So maybe the wrong comic book was canceled?

I imagine funding is going to be pulled and everybody is going to make a big show about shutting down the Blackhawks program when it will really just go back to being a Black Ops program. It failed at being Black Ops before because it was being funded by the United Nations. There is nothing Black Ops or secret about the United Nations. The Blackhawks are going to have to secure some kind of private funding or get in deep into the dark government branches where the real decisions happen. The decisions that are so real that nobody believes they're real. The decisions that thrive on the status quo believing that "conspiracy theory" equals "fairy tale." And it will probably need Commander Lincoln to fake his own death!

That's not a guess. Mister Terrific #8 spoiled that for me. Stupid DC and their stupid World Building.

Even if I turned the page and this scene did not continue, it would be enough for me. I like this.

Irish and Attila are hanging out having a few beers, both healing from arm breaks and/or losses. And it looks like Irish has a prosthetic arm now. Or maybe the Blackhawks have some kind of super duper healing alien technology that they've stolen from somewhere. Or maybe it's a robot arm since he uses it later to grasp and lift his mug. Irishman continues the story and then Attila tells a story of his own. Three full pages of downtime with members just talking to each other! And it's not boring. Hey, other writers of the New 52! Look at this! Don't be afraid to let your characters do stuff instead of just reacting to physical violence!

Back at The Eyrie, Lincoln introduces Lady Blackhawk to the Black Razors side of the Blackhawks program. It looks like the main difference is the Black Razors track down Alien Technology and the Blackhawks just track down Human Technology. Yeah, seems like they really needed two teams for that distinction. It's just a few short issues before The Blackhawks are probably shut down and they can concentrate on the Black Razors work. It's a better Black Ops organization anyway since they only make cameos in other comic books.

But the downtime doesn't last for anyone. During this big Public Relations "Let's Meet The Blackhawks" press event, two cameramen have cameras sending out high level encrypted data. Wildman cracks it and discovers it's a message that says, "Greetings from Matteo Bischoff." The message also comes with a super secret special surprise.

The cameras Wildman was working with were also bombs. Ha ha! I mean, cri cri, no more Wildman.

Irish and Attila were also on a bit of a mission tracking down some guy who was selling weapons to the people attacking the Blackhawks. I'm not sure which people they mean since I'm either not following the story closely enough or they mean the guy who sent the Sentient Legos. But they find out this guy's name is Bischoff and let Lincoln and Lady Blackhawk know just before the camera bombs explode.

Blackhawks #6 Rating: +1 Ranking. At least half of this issue was given over to conversation. That's a good thing. And with a big group, that's a very good thing. One of the few comics doing a team correctly and it's been cancelled at Issue #8. I'm learning about each individual member of the team. I'm learning about the team. And even in a few of the action scenes, things are being revealed. The only real issue with this comic is the communication between the cover artist and the rest of the creative team! Here's another cover that makes absolutely no sense. Kunoichi throws the EMP to disable the Lego things and that's all she does in this comic. Never becomes a hunter or a prey. Never fights Cthulu's face. Never shoots a gun. She simply throws a backpack. Great job, editors!

Blackhawks #5

Look at that ass! Lady Blackhawk knows the comic was cancelled and she's trying to show all the fanbois what they're going to be missing for not supporting this comic.

Blackhawks is drawn and inked by robots! The penciller's name is CAFU and the inker's name is BIT! And the colorist's name is Guy Major! Seriously? This comic book's creative team is like a super team of their own!

On their strange space journey, Wildman begins to open up to Canada about his relationship with Kunoichi. But Canada doesn't want to hear it. Not because he isn't the bestest of best pals with Wildman but because he feels Wildman is jinxing them by confessing secrets in case something bad happens. And they don't want anything bad to happen. Me, I really don't care! It'll be more exciting if they die!

Canada and Wildman's ship lands on a giant space station orbiting Earth. Just add this ship to the list of strange, alien, foreign things in Earth Orbit that nobody has noticed! I hope it doesn't crash into Brother Eye or Simon's satellite from Supergirl! That would be tragic!

Canada and Wildman exit the craft and are greeted by a couple of dogs with the Up voice translator.

"We love you! Take us for a walk! Food? Food? Food? Food? Food?"

Wildman is bit while Canada takes care of business and beats the shit out of some dogs!

Seriously, growing up in Atlanta, you need to learn to do this.

After the dogs are put down, Canada jabbers on about space having a smell. He says it smells like fried steak and molten metal. He smelled it on the ship and that's why he stole it. He sussed out from just that smell and the high technology of the ship that it would probably take them, of its own free will, into space and aboard a space station where they could contact the Blackhawks for rescue.

That's some pretty logical conclusions that you completely didn't jump to at all, Canada! Maybe the ship they hijacked was parked next to a Steak House which was locate behind the steel processing plant! And why would a futuristic ship automatically have auto-pilot that kicks in whenever a couple of dumb hicks board it? You got lucky, sir! Lucky somebody was writing this story and it wasn't happening in a way where nothing ever works out for anyone because nobody is writing reality for an audience that needs a story to make sense.

Man, I'm a real douchebag! I should just congratulate Canada on his mean mental skills and move on. Good work, dude!

Let's get back to the smelling space thing! This just comes off so weird in a story like this. It doesn't really fit well or make sense in the context. I'd believe that Canada didn't have a plan and just hopped on the first thing that looked like a ship and crossed his fingers that it would help them escape before I'd believe he smelled space on this ship and that gave him a plan. It's more like the writer, Mike Costa, learned the fact about space having a smell and then decided he had to incorporate it into his story somehow. But I'll go back to being nice to the Blackhawks now! And Mike Costa and his two robot artists.

Back at The Eyrie, the hangar is being examined to see how much damage has been done. Seeing as how Kunoichi flew a fighter jet into a Uranium Rod, I imagine the area is probably going to be sealed off for a number of years.

Oh, my mistake! I suspect that Blackhawks will end with Issue #8 when everyone dies from radiation poisoning.

As they're discussing made-up clean-up times, Wildman radios in on Lady Blackhawk's private frequency. To confirm his identity, Lady Blackhawk asks for Wildman's private code. It's a string of letters and numbers and the keyword, 'skinemax'. So what we've learned about Wildman so far this issue is that he hates beating up dogs that can talk and he loves softcore porn.

Wildman and Canada want to be rescued but The Blackhawks have no way to venture into space because the United Nations is called the United Nations and not the United Galactic Space Nations Federation. But it doesn't matter anyway because Mother Machine butts into the conversation. She's a little bit disappointed so she turns off the oxygen and the heat and flings the satellite into a decaying orbit so that it will crash to Earth. Take that, you rotten children!

While they're talking with Mother Machine, Wildman suddenly realizes what the satellite is. It's a weapon that launches debris from space to a targeted location on Earth causing an explosion like a small nuclear blast with no chemical signature. He deduces that this is how the prison was destroyed. Except I'm pretty sure the prison was destroyed by a person full of Nanocites turned into a bomb. I'd check the first issue to make sure but my cat is sitting on the comic book box.

But let's just pretend I got it wrong and the writer isn't rewriting the story months later. Now that Wildman realizes he has a space weapon, he sets it up to target Bespoke. He knows where Bespoke is on Earth because he left his sunglasses there. And they're Blackhawk Sunglasses, so they have a tracer on them. Canada isn't sure this is a good plan.

Says the guy who just beat the shit out of two talking dogs.

Wildman executes his plan and executes Mother Machine and every living (or somewhat living) thing in Bespoke. And simply because they wanted to take over the world! Jerks! Next, they ride out the decent of the satellite and rendezvous with Lady Blackhawk in a jet with a carbon fiber cable. Or something. Through some mid-air reentry tricks that Dick Grayson and Batman probably pulled off thirty years ago in some DC Celebrates the Space Shuttle Special, Wildman and Canada escape the plummeting satellite and survive! And now they smell like space!

The comic ends with Wildman telling his exciting tale to Kunoichi as she sleeps in a medicated fog. He walks out and a voice awakens Kunoichi from inside her own head. It's Mother Machine! She's infiltrated Kunoichi's nanocites! Dun dun DUN!

Just three more issues of Blackhawks left! I guess the first story arc is kind of over? Mother Machine blows up a prisoner in a prison for some reason. Testing the Nanocites? Then Titus is dropped on the site as the Blackhawks investigate. Why? Why did Mother Machine need another person at the site? To make sure the explosion worked as planned? And then Titus gets captured and is beat up and then disappears to return in the next Volume. And Mother Machine gets blown up by her captives. And all for what? Mother Machine wanted to take over the Earth by releasing Nanocites. I'm not sure what happened and why!

Maybe I'll reread these five issues later and see if the story actually makes any sense from Mother Machine's perspective. I just don't get her motivations for the actions she took within this story. I'm sensing a lot of that in these New 52 comics. A lot of stories that don't stand up under light scrutiny.

Blackhawks #4

For a covert team, they sure love to display their branding.

TItus has stolen a rod from the Blackhawks nuclear reactor core and The Eyrie is going to experience some pretty hard times if someone doesn't come up with a plan. Kunoichi had better come up with a plan since she's now some kind of super techno computer God thing and is plugged into the entire base. She'll probably figure out to shut it down safely before the Blackhawks are completely destroyed in just four issues.

Oh, so this is finally happening? Stupid spoiler on Issue #3's cover!

While taking a tour of Mother Machine's city of Bespoke, Canada and Wildman notice one of their jets. Or space jets. Or Veritechs. The Blackhawks deal with alien technologies, so Canada smashes Mother Machine in the face with some stairs believing he can handle flying this thing so they can escape. Which is kind of rude, seeing as how she's been nothing but sweet and kind in her I'm going to take over the world and make it a better place fascist way.

Back at The Eyrie, the whole place is filling up with radiation and the team is evacuating. Laszlo might be able to save them but he's off in Deathstroke #4! I don't actually know what Laszlo does with the Blackhawks. He's probably just a nobody red shirt nothing. As everyone begins abandoning the base, Irishman gives Kunoichi a knife since she's staying behind to fight Titus. Titus has his big ass blades and a Uranium Rod and she gets a little pig sticking knife!

*snort* I highly doubt that!

Kunoichi puts up a pretty good fight against Titus but only because his Nanocites are just barely keeping him alive while he's flooded with radiation. But even nearly dead, he gets the better of her as the radiation begins to take its toll on her as well. But Kunoichi knows The Eyrie's systems and has complete remote control of the base. So as Titus is going in for the kill, she rams a Blackhawk jet up his ass and blows up the hangar.

Nice improvised nuclear blast. The Eyrie's hangar is going to be unsafe for generations!

Titus staggers away from the blast and then falls off the edge of the mountain, probably only to be seen again the next time the Blackhawks get a comic book series. Kunoichi also survives. Those Nanocites are pretty powerful. But why are they such a bad thing that will cause the end of the world? My guess is that anybody infected with Nanocites can also be controlled by Mother Machine. Just a matter of issues before Kunoichi turns on the Blackhawks.

Meanwhile back at Bespoke, Canada easily figures out how to fly a piece of alien technology that he's never seen before. Although he isn't actually flying it. He just, somehow, got it started. Perhaps all it needs is a pilot to sit in the seat and the ship decides, "Okay! Time to go!" and then it follows a preset course. This ship's preset course is taking Wildman and Canada into space. But since they don't actually know where they've been taken, going into space could mean they're returning to Earth. Or they're headed to Mother Machine's home planet! If her home planet is different than Earth.

Blackhawks #3

I'm pretty sure this cover should have Wildman on it and not Irishman!

In Deathstroke #4, Laszlo, the Blackhawk with whom Deathstroke has a meeting, mentions that the Blackhawks control illicit technology. I think what he really meant to say was that the Blackhawks plagiarize technology from across the popular cultural spectrum. In Issue #1, Mother Machine is made up of some Ghost in the Shell-like persona. In Issue #2, all of the Blackhawk armor looks like Halo gear. The ship that drops Titus on the battlefield looks like the Squid things that attack the Nebuchadnezzar from the Matrix Trilogy. And in this Issue, we get the talking dog collars from Up.

Dogs should always just be saying, "I love you!"

Mike Costa and Graham Nolan are just playing a giant game of see who can recognize everything we're pulling from the stories around us. I'm sure I'm missing a bunch, so anybody reading Blackhawks and recognizes anything I missed, let me know.

The UN Representative Schmidt has asked his superiors to be assigned full-time on-site in the Blackhawks base, the Eyrie. It'll probably happen because the comic really needs more characters to stuff into its twenty pages. Look at Legion of Super-heroes! This comic isn't even trying!

Back at the Eyrie, Lady Blackhawk and Colonel Lincoln try to figure out what to do to Titus. They're not sure they have the capability of restraining him for any serious length of time, so they're going to start experimenting on him and figure out what his Nanocites are capable of. And back aboard the Matrix Squid Ship (or the mysterious city in an unknown location it landed (Zion?)), Canada and Wildman are playing with the talking dogs and chit chatting with one of the aliens about their technology.

Let's get back to the cover for a second. How the fuck can they get that so wrong? Canada and Wildman have been taken by Mother Machine and her, um, Machinettes. Irishman is back at base missing a fucking arm! He's missing an arm! And the Irishman on the cover has both arms. Plus he's nowhere near Canada! The person, not the country. I actually have no idea where The Eyrie is located. Perhaps they mentioned it somewhere and I missed it. This cover mistake is far worse than the Captain Atom cover where the bad guy creature looks like Falcor and then, on the inside, it's just a big blobby mess. I really believe the only communication between the cover artists and the regular creative team is just a single post-it note. How much are the editors at DC getting paid? Because it's either too much or not enough!

This is Titus. He can regenerate everything except his teeth. Apparently.

Perhaps Titus can't heal his teeth because Lady Blackhawk keeps punching him in the face. But one of the times she decks him, his blood splatters across a vent and it looks like it begins migrating inside! Uh oh! Nanocite break out!

And not only a Nanocite break out! Titus breaks out only minutes later when the power goes out on the level they've got him incarcerated. Probably his escaped blood did that. The Blackhawks had better assemble all personnel to stop him!

Great team comic! By the 3rd issue, only one member is left standing!

Lady Blackhawk goes after Titus to try and stop him. Or to get the last member of the Blackhawks killed! Like it matters anyway since the comic is cancelled after Issue #8! While Lady Blackhawk runs after Titus, Kunoichi plugs the computer system into herself and begins turning the systems back on with her Nanocites.

No, you're nauseated.

Titus cuts his way down to Level 4 and into The Eyrie's nuclear reactor. But I don't know what he's going to do with it seeing as how the issue ends right there.

Yes. The issue ends there. So not only was the cover wrong about the Blackhawk members who are on their own. It was also wrong about them doing any sort of fighting at all! They merely talk to Mother Machine! I'm actually surprised at how much I'm enjoying the comic. It's just regular comic fare. But I like how the team just keeps getting decimated. But what's with all the messed up minor detail issues? Not that a cover is a minor detail! Most covers lie anyway. But to have the wrong character on it? Wow! And I may be the only one to even notice that Attila had the wrong arm broken across the last two issues. Maybe nobody noticed any of these things because nobody is reading this comic and that's why it got cancelled!

I would have considered moving Blackhawks up a rank on the rating scale but I just can't do it with such a horrid cover error. Stupid DC editors! If they can't even get a cover right, how are they going to maintain continuity? Losers!

Blackhawks #2

Issue #2 and we already have a traitor in the midst!

Issue #2 doesn't start with Kunoichi blowing up. Just like a lot of comics, the cliffhanger at the end of the first issue is ignored at the beginning of the second issue. It's like that episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer that ends with Giles about to be beheaded by one of those blind Bringer guys. And then you have to wait half the season before they show you what happened. And then it's barely worth showing because he just reached up and stopped the axe in mid-swing with one hand! So now Kunoichi's probably just showering somewhere on base! It'll probably be revealed she's going through early menopause.

Instead of finding out what happened to Kunoichi, we learn that Lady Blackhawk, Irishman, Wildman, and Kunoichi are parachuting into another country. It's not clear yet what their mission is. Or maybe I'm just too stupid to follow the dialogue.

Deputy Ops Colonel Lincoln is in a meeting with UN Representative Schmidt. Schmidt is there because of the leak about the Blackhawks.

How about removing the fucking Blackhawks emblem from the side of the Evac helicopter?!

Because Kunoichi dove out of a speeding plane outside the target area, the Blackhawks had to pick her up in range of civilians. And so Kunoichi's face and the Blackhawks' helicopter end up on video all over the internet.

Meanwhile, in that country the Blackhawks parachuted into that hasn't been announced via caption....

Whoever designed the Blackhawks armor played a lot of Halo.

Oh! I just remembered! It hasn't even been a month between reading issues and I've already forgotten stuff. The Blackhawks have been dropped on the site of the central Asian prison where a prisoner filled with the same Nanocites that now fill Kunoichi exploded! He was given the Nanocites by a mysterious Ghost in the Shellish woman. She's probably the Cobra to the Blackhawks' GI Joe.

Before the Blackhawks have a chance to do anything, a giant spaceship comes out of nowhere (a portal? Space?) and drops the person you see on the cover onto the ground. This Titus (who seems more like The Enemy Without!) immediately sets about bisecting a bunch of Blackhawk red shirts.

You definitely don't want to be a Blackhawk without a nickname!

Although, as Irishman learns, having a nickname doesn't guarantee your complete safety!

Lady Blackhawk and Kunoichi, with a little help from her new Nanocite super powers, take Titus down. Titus claims they've (whoever they are) already won because Kunoichi have the Nanocites in her. So Titus did some pretty good damage to the Blackhawks. It killed at least six of them and removed one of Irishman's arms. I wonder if Aquaman's hook is still available? Maybe Static Shock is already using it. But even though Titus whooped the Blackhawks pretty decently, I'm not sure the cover should go to someone who only lasts about four pages between introduction and death. Or the cover should be different! "INTRODUCING THE DEATH OF TITUS!"

Oh, now I get the title. Here's Titus apprehended and inside Blackhawks' Headquarters.

Okay, so I was wrong. Titus didn't die when he was shot in the chest multiple times and then had his helmet caved in by Lady Blackhawk's foot. It was merely a flesh wound. But now he's being interrogated by Colonel Lincoln since the jet that Canada and Wildman were in disappeared into the mother ship during the fight. Also, Titus only killed four Blackhawks. He just severely wounded the rest. Oh! And Titus nearly had brain trauma from the foot crushing the helmet thing! And he almost did die! So there you have it! It's all been explained!

Kunoichi is placed in quarantine. Attila is still out with his busted arm and ribs.

I think he's faking now since it was his left arm that was broken!

Irishman had one arm severed. And Canada and Wildman have been kidnapped by the Nebuchadnezzar.

That leaves Lady Blackhawk and Colonel Lincoln left for whatever needs to be dealt with in Issue #3!