DC Universe Presents #0: OMAC, Mister Terrific, Hawk & Dove, Blackhawks, Deadman

Now it's time for Where Are They Now Theater! Starring all of the DC Heroes that failed to maintain a large enough audience. Mostly because when The New 52 began, DC's fans were going to spend their money largely on popular heroes they were familiar with even if the writers of several Batman titles spectacularly sucked balls. I mean really, really spectacularly. So good. So this is the issue to show the fans what they missed out on! Lets see what they've been up to since we, or at least I, last encountered them. Or maybe I'll get to learn their origins so I finally feel complete.

First up is OMAC. Judging by the art and the six panel standard layout, my guess is that Keith Giffen is doing the art. But I've been fooled by that before! Also, the story takes place two years ago. Little does OMAC know he'll be cancelled in a scant 20 months from now.

Nice title, Giffen. Looks like it's the exact same creative team as the regular series.

Maxwell Lord and Brother Eye are pushing to get the OMAC program up and running. But as you may have read in the panel I scanned, the process has a very small chance of succeeding. Max is busy smoking and not being in a neck brace. I guess that's because Wonder Woman only snaps his neck after the OMAC protocol is let loose upon the world.

I'm not sure how Brother Eye came to be working with Maxwell Lord. But Brother Eye was created by Batman using Apokolips technology for the purposes of keeping an eye on the newly emerging super powered beings. Batman (at the current time) has no idea that Brother Eye gained sentience from the Apokolips tech.

Yes, Brother Eye respects the decision. Which is why he goes on to fill a full page with enough information that even self-obsessed Hal Jordan could figure out who created Brother Eye.

Max and Brother Eye continue to dance around who is more powerful and who has stolen more information from whom. Max cuts Brother Eye's links to Checkmate but too late. Brother Eye has already taken control of the OMAC virus for himself and he's found his test subject.

Hey! That's who I was going to suggest!

Oh, and that's the end!

OMAC #0 Rating: Origin's Mostly Ass Candy

Next up is Mister Terrific! This teeny tiny story is written by James Robinson and drawn by Tom Derenick. And it begins like a super sexy Tom DeFalco/Scott Lobdell Jam.

"I'm super smart! I'm going to wear spandex and fly around on tiny Phantasm balls! LOOK AT MY FUCKING NIPPLE! IT'S SO TINY!"

Mister Terrific's origin is simply him finding 9D space and creating some technology and sticking a "T" sticker on his face and creating some T-spheres and being smart and having had his wife and son die and being visited by his son from Earth 2 although he doesn't know that yet and that's about it! The first thing he does after donning his T-Mask is enter a rift in 9D space. He enters into a probability matrix which allows him glimpses of the future. Like Flash's super speed mental precognition power (which is dumb), this power is stupid (which is a synonym for dumb). He sees that he'll meet some new friends in funny costumes and that a scarred man will eventually kill him. But he emphasizes that this is a "probability matrix" which means none of these visions are completely destined to come true.

Wow. Isn't science and being super smart grand? It's also really boring. Do something exciting, Mister Terrific!

Mister Terrific is ejected from the rift and immediately forgets everything he saw. What the fuck?! What was the point of that? He barely remembers entering it but he decides to enter it again. Is this guy really the third smartest guy on Earth? Because he's the dumbest mother fucker in the ninth dimension, that's for sure! How many times is he planning on entering and exiting and forgetting and wanting to enter again because he forgot what just happened? Luckily, some trouble on Earth distracts him and he heads off to introduce Los Angeles to Mister Terrific.

And then there's a super surprise twist!

Oh look! In a comic about a science believing atheist, the ghost of his son turns out not to be paranormal at all! Is that Mister 8, by the way? The smartest man on Earth 2? I can't wait until Mister Terrific meets Deadman and Death from the Endless. Explain those away, big shot atheist!

Mister Terrific #0 Rating: Really pretty pedestrian and boring.

Oh fuck me in every gaping orifice! Next up is Hawk and Dove written by Rob Liefeld and drawn by his shadow, Marat Mychaels. Swoon!

The episode is title "Balance of Power" because get it? That question makes sense if you're a cynical asshole who doesn't give a fuck about his English degree. Hawk and Dove balance each other out! Male and female! Aggressive and calm. Chaos and Order. War and Peace. Penis and Vagina. Did I do that one already? Anyway, the first page shows Dove grinding against Hawk's package while they float aimlessly in space. Shut up! I'm not lying! Look for yourself!

Did Liefeld teach Mychaels how to do grimaces? Good job!

Why can't Hawk and Dove represent Sex and Abstinence? That would be such a better comic book. Hey?! Is anybody taking any notes here? I've done over 700 of these commentaries and they're mostly littered with great ideas! Yes, I said! GREAT IDEAS! What we need is a crew of mediocre writers and great artists to make some of these visions come to life! Any takers?! Seriously, people. Stop being so grown-up and adult and let's have some fucking fun.

The incarnations of Chaos and Order, War and Peace, are currently arguing with each other in deep space. Peace thinks balance needs to be maintained. War thinks Peace should shove eighteen blue dwarfs up her ass. Their debate is pretty pointless since War/Chaos doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

Chaos and War isn't about fighting evil and destroying darkness! It's about conflict and total random bullshit! It's kind of like that Activision game from the 80s where hamburgers rained down from the sky as you manned a spaceship and tried to destroy them. Chaos! War/Chaos doesn't want to destroy the darkness with one blow! Because then there would be fucking peace, you idiot!

War is acting all pissy because he believes that Peace manipulated events to give Dawn Granger the power of Dove. And War is a sexist bastard that can't handle a woman being Dove. Actually, War doesn't like the idea of Dawn Granger being Dove because she's the most powerful Avatar anyone has ever seen. Which makes me suspect that Hank Hall shouldn't be the Avatar of War. Someone better is out there waiting to take his place. That's what the God of War should be concerned with. Finding an equal to Dawn Granger's Dove.

Then some other stuff happens and it's just as stupid as the initial run of Hawk and Dove. I think the relationship between Peace and War is way too delicate and intimate a relationship to be handled by a hack writer like Rob Liefeld. He needs to stick to people shooting bullets into other people's faces and random people suddenly betraying other people simply for the twist, even if it makes no sense for the character to do it. And now I can't wait for The Savage Hawkman #0 and Liefeld's last writing gig with DC!

Hawk and Dove #0 Rating: Unbalanced!

Next up is the Blackhawks and we're almost done! This comic cost $6. I think that's bullshit but what do I care about money and prices? Since I don't mind my taxes going to social programs that help other people obtain needed benefits, that must mean I'm a lazy, entitled asshole. Never mind that I own my own business. Also, fuck everyone that has a problem with taxes going to universal health care that could help every single mother fucker in this country but don't mind their taxes going to the imperialist war machine that only kills, maims, and creates havoc. And if you think that rant didn't belong here, did you fucking not read that whole bit about the balance between War and Peace?

Blackhawks is written by Tony Bedard and drawn by Carlos Rodriguez with inks by BIT. What the hell kind of name is BIT? Is DC employing tracing robots now? Why am I still reading this comic? I want to read about Amethyst, Princess of Gemworld!

That's not how I remember it at all! Aquaman stabbed Darkseid in the eyeballs!

So The Blackhawks were created for the exact same reason that Team Seven was created. But the Blackhawks were a United Nations team, right? And Team Seven seems to have been a team gathered together by the secret leaders of the world. Although they really are kind of the same read. Like I said in Team Seven, the Team Seven is just the Blackhawks with more recognizable members.

This is what I hate about the Blackhawks. They officially don't exist but they fly around with a fucking logo on their helicopter. Hello? UNMARKED HELICOPTERS!

The Blackhawks go in screaming as much military lingo as possible to prove to the reader that they're a military unit. Okay, okay! I get it! Y'all are soldiers and shit! And then there's at least this one panel that reminds me what I liked about the cancelled series.

Even more so than Men of War, it expressed the emotions of normal humans in a war torn world that suddenly facing some really crazy, cosmic, super-powered weirdness.

And then they run into an ambush while trying to rescue a downed comrade. This is the moment that Lady Blackhawk loses an eye although she shoves a grenade down the Parademon's throat with a grenade launcher. The Blackhawks survive to find their missing Lieutenant hooked up to some Apokolips technology. They release her but she doesn't go willingly. Whoever she was, she's now become Mother Machine! She flees from the scene to appear in the Blackhawks regular series for a few issues. And I'm sure she'll be back again in the future.

Blackhawks #0 Rating: Their origin was as simple as every other government agency created in DC. "Super Heroes might be a problem!" "Create an agency to protect us from them!" But this origin was actually more about Mother Machine. Which was so-so and doesn't really matter anyway. I think the Blackhawks proved that most people don't want to buy the comic, so there isn't any reason for Mother Machine to appear in the DCnU any time soon.

And last, it's Deadman! Another chapter, called "Instant Karma," written by Tony Bedard and drawn by Scott McDaniel and Guy Major.

Deadman's origin has him entering the first person after Rama Kushna cursed him with eternal atonement. The man he enters is the man who killed him. But Boston doesn't want to play the game. He exits the target when he thinks the target is about to be killed by a mafia co-worker. But things fall apart and an innocent woman is shot. Boston Brand re-possesses the guy, calls the cops, and gets the man arrested while the woman gets help. It's a little bit of a great power, great responsibility Spiderman moment. Except Rama Kushna reminds Boston that these powers aren't a gift. They're a punishment and a curse and he'd better start acting like it or more pain and misery will be visited upon him. The End!

Deadman #0 Rating: I'm not sure why this story was included. Maybe I'm stupid. Or maybe I've just had too much Sake. Or maybe I just want to start reading Amethyst already!

Hawk and Dove #8

Their final fate? Hawk bites off his tongue and Dove breaks her hip?

The comic begins with Hawk describing to the readers what 'Going on the Offensive' means. Either he thinks the term is so profound that nobody will get it or he thinks readers of comic books don't sit on their asses watching sports in the way that non-readers of comics do. Hawk is describing the term because last issue, he and Dove were 'put on the defensive' and almost died (not really). So now they're taking the fight to the guy who almost killed them, the Hunter! And Hawk feels the best way to go about this is to dive on a bunch of swords.

I guess when you have a healing factor, you get careless.

After this, Hawk explains what a lead blocker does. No, no. He explains what the concept of the lead blocker is! I think. Anyway, he's trying to say that he's blocking for Dove and taking out the defense with his amazing offensive push. Although it just looks like he's dancing on the head of his enemies.

I'm not sure where he got the swords.

Hawk acts pretty cocky because he's got his healing factor and he's an avatar of war and he's angry while his enemies are just a couple dozen ninjas. So nobody's surprised when this happens:

Liefeld draws an awful lot of teeth.

But apparently this kind of wound is nothing to Hawk, Avatar of War and College Football Player!

But Mr. Hawk? What's a fumble? What's a turnover? Or an end zone? Or a red zone?

Despite being stabbed, Hawk manages to distract all of the ninjas so that he can score a touchdown. I guess a touchdown means allowing Dove and Xyra to sneak in to the temple of D'yak elsewhere.

Dove and Xyra encounter the Hunter while searching for the High Priest of D'yak. Plus more ninjas. Xyra fights the ninjas while Dove claims she can take down Hunter since he doesn't have the element of surprise! I guess his popping up unannounced while they thought they were being stealthy doesn't qualify as surprise.

Dove takes down Hunter easily because this is the second time she's encountered him and by comic book logic, she must win this time. But after she defeats him, the High Priest of D'yak appears and blasts her with an impotent spell!

He's a dragon man! Surprise! He devours angels! And Avatars!

While Dove is battling this dragon man and having a really, really easy time of it, she finally calls for a sword from Hawk and he delivers the killing blow. The Dragon Priest is dead and Hawk and Dove have survived another battle.

If you are magnets for this stuff, maybe you should stop being Hawk and Dove. Save everyone a lot of trouble.

And so Hawk and Dove's series comes to an end. I like that Liefeld left them on a high note. After this fight, they talk a little bit about what they've been through recently. They feel like they've really been tested and have come out stronger on the other side. They're a true partnership now and they're ready to get on with the fight, whatever that may end up being. It took eight issues to get Hawk and Dove to where they need to be to star in their own monthly series! Too bad their monthly series has just ended! But it'll be nice that when Hawk and Dove show up again, all of this prologue is out of the way. They can just get on with the story and maybe reveal a bit here and there about the War Circle and Dove's place within it. A good ending for a mostly mediocre title which had a few shining moments.

But even though I call the title mediocre, some of the other series can learn a lot from the way Hawk and Dove was put together. The writing across most of the series was sub-par. Liefeld's use of cliches and bad analogies hampers what could be some much meatier and weightier moments. But within the bad writing, there is a spark and a life to this comic book that kept me interested. It was, overall, a fun read. Perhaps some of the fun was ridiculing Liefeld's art. But even after I've made fun of his art and his writing, I can still give him the credit he deserves for putting together probably the best short story of the 8 issue run in Issue #6 with Batman and Robin. So far in the New 52, stories with good subtext are fairly hard to come by. And lo and behold, Rob Liefeld hit one out of the park. Okay, so it was a fairly short field. But it was a good issue.

A summary of the series points out some of the weird things comic book writers do. I don't know what's intentionally being set up for far future story arcs and what is just forgotten or what plot points are intentionally left behind for new story ideas. In Hawk and Dove, we started out with a Science Terrorist. Hawk and Dove defeat some of his Monsters of Mass Destruction. After that, we meet Condor and Swan who are part of a large plot to destroy the Avatars of War in the War Circle. We learn there are multiple Avatars of War, there is a thing called the War Circle (which we never find out much about), and that Dove is somehow above even the Avatars in the War Circle. She seems to have the ability to defeat foes when she's sliced open. And then we see the Science Terrorist helps Condor to escape jail but then the Science Terrorist disappears from the story altogether. Perhaps he would have come back in later stories with his efforts to rebalance Washington. Or whatever.

After Swan and Condor are destroyed, we get one shot story about stopping the Necromancer. And then a story about some God, D'yak, and his followers who are against Hawk who is an embodiment of Horus. Or something. It's just more myth to place on top of the War Circle myth. Perhaps every member of the War Circle has an avatar with solid history like Hawk. So Hawk has all this Horus stuff that explains him. And Condor would have had a history as well as Osprey. We never get to see where much of this goes, of course, but it's all there for the next Hawk and Dove run. I'm sure we'll be seeing a 4 or 6 issue mini-series somewhere down the line.

Simply because I'm glad Hawk and Dove ended on such a high note instead of going the huge unfinished business cliffhanger route or the killing or maiming one path, I'll move it up one rank before retiring it. It will forever remain as Title #39 for the New 52 All-Time Comics and their ranks. Once the new comics come out in May, I'll just add six more slots and make it the top 58. And I'll keep that system for as long as it's manageable! I already foresee problems with it but I'll try it out anyway.

So long, tiny, badly drawn Hawk and Dove! Thanks for at least always being fun to write about!

Hawk and Dove #7

What a surprise! A guy with an eyepatch because drawing a symmetrical face with two eyes is too hard!

Before I start reading the comic, I'd like to point out that last issue, the art and writing were credited only to Rob Liefeld. He had a colorist and that was all. This issue, the cover once again simply says Rob Liefeld. But the title page says, "Pencils: Rob Liefeld with Marat Mychaels" and "Inks: Liefeld, Adelso Corona, and Jacob Bear." So this issue is far from just being done by Liefeld. I don't know why he has so much pull that he keeps the other artists that help out with the issue off the cover.

This is how Liefeld draws women in clothing. He draws a naked woman without nipples and then draws lines to show where the clothing goes. He also draws some weird shit going on in her midsection.

The weirdest part about this opening page is that the narration boxes are in the voice of an omniscient narrator. Or maybe the weirdest part is the look on the blue shirted guy's face. Or perhaps the weirdest part is the angry guy at the table between the guy's legs. No, no. The weirdest part is definitely that Dawn's open hand looks good! Now, the wrist looks a bit swollen or broken. But you can't have everything! At least not when Liefeld's drawing. Maybe you can have everything in other situations. Like ordering everything off the McDonald's value menu.

The angry guy in the background is, of course, Hank Hall. You know! Hawk! I didn't want to assume that it was him because I haven't seen him without his mask for quite awhile now. That's because faces are hard to draw when you leave the mask off, remember? And I didn't really recognize Dawn either except the narrator told me it was Dawn dancing like she dances every night. Which probably causes Hank to get into a fight every night!

Yeah, dude! Gross! She only fucks intangible guys!

After playtime, Hank punches out a mirror.

Hank drags Dawn out of the nightclub and tells her she's out of control. Man, you're really out of control when Hawk tells you you're out of control! Hank points out that Dawn has been acting wild because she's trying not to deal with her breakup from Deadman. Dawn's rebuttal is, "Nuh uh!" There might be more to it but I'm distracted by one constant thought: "How did Rob Liefeld become such a popular artist?"

Broken hand and weird butt to head to torso to legs ratio.

I was going to post a couple of other pictures from the same page but my cat walked across the comic as it was being scanned and screwed up the images. What a jerk! And I'm too lazy to do the same work twice!

Dawn and Hank don't fight for long before they make up and proclaim that they really care about each other and maybe they should go get some chicken and waffles and then...

"Hank! You big jerk! Ruining our moment by being harpooned!"

Hank and Dawn instantly transform by yelling, "Hawk!" and "Dove!" respectively. Which brings up a question! Does there need to be intent for them to transform? Or will Hank transform any time he says, "Hawk"? What if he says, "Do you guys want to go to the Omaha convention center?" Will that trigger a transformation? Or is it less about the word and more about just willing themselves to transform with the word being a kind of mantra or focal point?

One thing I have to praise Liefeld for is doing the omniscient narrator thing. I bet he's such a big shot in the office that nobody had the heart to tell him that DC isn't doing that anymore. The two editors on this book probably went straight to Dan DiDio and complained that Rob was doing that Omnishit again. And DiDio probably said, "Just leave Rob alone. He's making his deadlines. Don't rock the rock star's boat!" And now Rob gets to do whatever he wants!

The guy who harpooned Hawk is the guy from the cover! Who is he? Who knows! Just the Villain of the Month, I suppose. But he does know an awful lot about Hawk and Dove. He even knows that Dove has yet to fully recover from her battle with Condor and that Condor's poison is still in her. Dove was poisoned?

Dove gets bundled up in a net and Hawk attacks Hunter. Hunter acts smug and tells Hawk all about his clothing and that time he lost his eye to learn everything he needed about the Great Hunt! So he's a Batman type but with an eyepatch. I guess that makes him Deathstroke! During the fight, Hawk is slightly wounded.

Liefeld is cheating! He's just doing that to make Hawk's hand easier to draw!

Hunter also steals some of Dove's hair calling them feathers while referring to Hawk as an elephant and his finger as his tusks. He also keeps narrating his own fight and telling Hawk and Dove what they'll do and how he'll get away. And then he's kicked in the back of the head by a third party. The wild party! No, no. This party:

The wildly dysmorphic party!

This woman claims to be a Xyra, a follower of Hawk and a servant of Horus. The Hunter is a follower of D'yak, a group who oppose Hawk. Hawk and Dove have no idea what she's talking about. Between Condor and Swan and Xyra and Hunter, a shitload of people know a hell of a lot more about Hawk and Dove then they even know.

Dawn Granger is confused by all of this.

And Hank Hall looks like my friend Soy Rakelson (name still changed to protect his naivete).

Hawk and Dove go with this Xyra woman to a safe house to recuperate before Hunter returns with the totems needed to kill them. The totems he'll create from the pieces he stole from them. Hunter heads back to talk with some crazy priest who claims a prophecy states that "the Hawk will ultimately kill the Dove." Well, that's a stupid prophecy. And an extra stupid picture to end the issue.

I'm going to work out until I develop a giant muscle right in the crook of my elbow!

Even with assistants, the art in this issue was particularly bad from the cover with the boring blank bubbly background to a wide number of panels which seem half-finished. The backgrounds in half of the comic was that same bubbly greenish background as the cover. If Liefeld decided to draw a background, it was usually just a couple of lines to show some angles in the room or maybe a lightswitch on a bare wall.

Last issue, the art may not have been much better but at least the story was good. This issue contains just a lot of crazy new revelations that may or may not have anything to do with the stuff Condor revealed previously. I'm guessing it'll be different. I think Liefeld should have spent a few more pages on Hank and Dawn's relationship and cut out a few fight scenes. That may have made the issue a little bit better than mediocre. As it stands, it's just decent enough to not drop the rank it just gained. Hawk and Dove remains steady.

Hawk and Dove #6

Now the real fun begins! Writer & Artist with no assitants: Rob Liefeld!

Look at that cover! Take it in!

"What's wrong with it, Jeff? Looks like a fairly standard cover," you say. And I mostly agree! For a Liefeld cover, it's pretty harmless. And perhaps if some artist I didn't know had drawn it, I wouldn't look a little closer. But it's Liefeld and so it demands another look.

First off, the fists. Always with the fists, Mr. Liefeld. He can't draw hands so he draws fists. But he can't draw fists either! They look like he modeled them from lego men! Perfectly square with the thumb tucked in every time. And what's with Batman walking a balloon in mid-air? Sure, he's supposed to be swinging on his bat cable. But he's not! He's strolling down the mid-air midway with a balloon in his hand. I won't fault him for Dove flying right in Batman's way as he's swinging and the odd angle of the buildings. Any other artist might have drawn that crap as well.

Well, now that Liefeld is writing, what's going to happen to the story? Did Sterling Gates tell Liefeld what he had in mind with the Circle of War and the other Avatars? I think Liefeld is just going to drop that whole story line since it basically wrapped up last issue with the death of Condor and the disappearance of Swan. So let's see what Liefeld has in store for these wacky kids.

The comic begins with Hawk being chased along the rooftops of Gotham by Blockbuster. I couldn't tell it was Blockbuster on the first page but when I turned the page, it's evident who it is before the comic states it. Hawk is narrating the story as if he's telling a new tale on some weekly anthology television series like Amazing Stories or Tales from the Darkside (that intro used to scare the hell out of me as a child). Hawk has been beat up once tonight and he's running from Blockbuster because he doesn't think he can take anymore. He's a bit vague right now about why he's in Gotham although I'm sure that's what got him into this mess.

Here's what happens when Rob draws an open hand. Err, claw. Look at the size of that ring finger, ladies!

DC managed to finally get me to buy 90s Image Comics!

Hawk has an amulet that he's trying to keep Blockbuster from getting his hands on.

His large, misshapen, possibly six-fingered hands.

Blockbuster grabs the amulet and leaps from the building. Hawk tries to leap after him but his tangled in some rope. Looks like Batman has decided to put a stop to this nonsense going on in his city.

Oh, or Robin! I wonder if Hawk is going to ask Robin why he chose a bird's name when he can't fly?!

Robin takes Hawk down and lets Blockbuster go. I'm not sure why. Batman may have wanted Robin to stop Hawk from chasing Blockbuster and causing more collateral damage. Maybe Batman is going after Blockbuster himself. This Robin doesn't look anything like Damian Wayne. He looks more like Tim Drake. Or, actually, Dick Grayson! Is that the last time Liefeld drew a Robin?

Turns out Robin let Blockbuster go because he put a tracer on him. Batman and Robin know Blockbuster is just a pawn helping to steal a bunch of totems for someone else. Batman and Robin want to track Blockbuster to the leader, so they stopped Hawk and Dove from ruining their operation.

Here's Batman with his fists squatting on a chimney. Or falling forward off of a chimney. Or popping out of it singing Chim-Chim-Charoo.

Batman also tells everyone the person behind this whole mess is calling herself "Necromancer". And Batman knows her plan!

Grrrr! I'm Batman!

The team takes off through the sky, making fists and teeth clenchy faces!

This is my favorite picture of Batman swinging across Gotham! A vaguely bat like silhouette (not man like at all!) with the rope strung through it. I'm sure Rob was just, "Fuck it! I have to draw this whole fucking comic myself AND write it? I don't have time to draw Batman again!"

And on the other page of this panel, Hawk seems to be flying. Unless he's just leaping from building to building. I'm sure that's it.

The team track Blockbuster to Necromancer's lair where she's in the middle of a spell to make her the most powerful witch in the world! In all worlds! In forever! Bwa ha ha!

But she gets her ass handed to her by Dove and Robin. And Blockbuster goes down under the combined assault of Batman and Hawk. Dove retrieves the amulet but Necromancer gets away at the end. They all shrug their shoulders and say, "We'll get her next time!" Yeah, why bother hunting her down? She was just going to destroy the world! But she'll probably rethink that now.

Batman pays Hawk and Dove some compliments and tells them if they really train and work hard together, they can be a formidable force for good. Or something like that. Hawk sees it as a lecture but Dove accepts the compliment and the advice. And then they all go their separate ways!

Wow. A one-shot story! I'm really liking the quick and dirty one shot stories a few of these comics have been providing. And even though I can poke fun at Rob Liefeld all day long, at least this comic was entertaining! It was cheesy and goofy and clumsily written at parts. But some of those things are really good things in a comic book! I was entertained. By Rob Liefeld! Who would have thunk?

I liked that the story was a single issue and though it appears Hawk is struggling a bit, overall the heroes have everything under control. They don't get beat up and hospitalized only to come back and win out over the bad guy. The story is about their interactions with Batman and Robin. The story is about the comparison between these two people who seem nothing alike and yet they work so well together. And the story is told from Hawk's perspective, so he doesn't really get that. He's making fun of them the whole time and wondering how they work together and why a Bat and a Robin and whine moan blah. And that really makes it work nicely. Because the reader can see Hawk and Dove in Batman and Robin, just as Batman can. And his advice at the end shows he sees they can become just as cohesive and dynamic a duo. But Hawk still doesn't see this at the end and moans about Bat's lecture! Actually really nice work, Liefeld.

Hawk and Dove only have two issues left in their run but at least they may go out on the way up! I'll raise Hawk and Dove's rank by one for this issue. Nicely done entertaining comic book fare.

Hawk and Dove #5

How come the Inker and the Assistant Penciller don't get a byline on the cover? Also, more square fists!

 

I noticed that Hawk and Dove makes like it's a comic written by one guy and drawn by one other guy. But the inside credits show Adelso Corona as an inker as well as Rob Liefeld. And Liefeld even has an "Assistant Penciller" which is a title I don't think I've seen in any other comic. But he gets his name all alone on the cover as the artist. That's some fucked up shit, Mr. Liefeld. Especially for someone who was part of the creator's rights movement. Give everyone their credit, sir!

This comic begins with Deadman trapped in a "Chaos Crystal". So maybe Swan is the Avatar of Chaos now! Can we have that Avatar back? Hawk speaks some Old Portuguese nonsense and uses Deadman's magicks to open a portal to someplace he calls home. He then enters the portal with Swan claiming that once inside, nothing will stop him.

Hawk and Dove are busy chasing monsters along rooftops in an effort to find out what happened to Deadman. While they're doing this, Hank is thinking about how his brother Don was killed when he was seventeen. And Dawn is thinking about how she got her super powers at seventeen and how she and Hank had to fight a monster named Kestrel. Oh! Remember him? The Avatar of Murder!

Who is the 'you' that Hawk is talking to inside his own thoughts?!

Hawk and Dove are chasing down a creature named Gob that Xanadu said could help them find Deadman. Gob is some demon thing that lives in Salem.

I didn't know Dove breathed through her eyeballs.

Hawk and Dove take a break from seeking Deadman to have a chat on a rooftop. And I can't quite concentrate on the poor dialogue because of Dawn's hand.

This is why Liefeld likes to draw square fists!

Out of nine panels with Hank and Dawn speaking, that's the only one where Liefeld tries to draw an open hand. Here's a panel where he Radar O'Reilly's every single hand.

I'm pretty sure Dawn is playing with her nipples.

Hawk and Dove chat long enough to not really resolve any of their issues. They then head to the place the demon told them would lead them into the Realm of War. They pass through and discover Condor in his Pure Birdemental form!

Nice use of your Danger Sense power, Dove!

Do the kids today get Dark Crystal references?

And I'll point out the Evil Dead quote while I'm scanning.

Condor tells Dove that he can see the whole Circle of Avatars and she isn't part of it. He says she's above it somehow. Which must be why he both knows everything and doesn't know anything about her all at the same time.

Condor thinks he can beat Dove but he doesn't know her secret! That she can absorb Avatars into her vagina!

Defeated by lady parts!

Yeah. Whoa.

Dove defeats Condor with her Golden Hole but Swan gets away. And Deadman, after witnessing what can happen to anybody that gets too close to Dove's Lady Business, promptly breaks up with her!

I don't blame you, dude!

And that's the end of Issue #5. I don't know what it is about this comic. Nothing is done well and yet it somehow works when all put together! I enjoy reading this comic. It's fun. Or maybe making fun of it is fun. I don't know and I don't think I care! As long as I'm enjoying reading and writing about it, that's what really matters.

But it isn't good enough to go up a rank. I'm not going to reward it! Sheesh!

Hawk and Dove #4

The editors said, "Come on, Rob. At least give us three feet on the cover."

Look at that fist! LOOK AT IT! It is magical!

Hawk and Dove have Condor in police custody. This issue is called "The Interrogation" so I think they're going to be asking him questions. I wonder how they're going to get the fight scene in place? He'll probably slip in the word 'Condor' at some point so he can surprise them with his transformation. Maybe he'll get them talking about the Wizard of Oz and he'll say, "They really shouldn't pick on dorothy!" and WHAMMO! CONDOR! That'll surprise the bird poop out of them!

For some wacky reason, Condor won't tell them anything. Seriously! Who would have guessed? He was all Chatty Cathy in the White House during the big melee, telling them his name and why he was after them and mentioning the Circle! And now, nothing! What a jerk! So Hawk decides to threaten him for awhile. This will probably end with somebody missing an ear.

No, you don't play good cop, bad cop. You just lie and lie and threaten and lie and wear down and lie and lie and lie until you get a confession!

Since it's an interrogation comic, the fight scene comes as a flashback to Dove and Swan's fight in the white house. It turns out Dove isn't exactly the biggest peacenik in Peacetopia. Swan makes her angry and Dove wrings Swan's neck. Ha ha! But then Swan throws her knife at Dove and stabs Dove in the back! And there's a big flash of ligt and Swan seems to be consumed by Dove.

I think Swan was sucked into Dove's vagina.

What actually happened was Swan was somehow transferred to another plane of existence when Dove's body was pierced. She's now incorporeal and hanging around with Deadman. Maybe if Deadman would just break up with Dove already, he wouldn't be about to die.

This is actually a pretty nice looking panel. I think the Inker, Adelso Corona, is to thank for it.

Deadman is sucked away into yet a different layer of existence (I think. He disappears, anyway) and then there's a giant explosion as Science Terrorist Quirk's Monster of Mass Destruction blow a hole in the precinct's wall and escape with Old Man Condor.

And that's it for the interrogation. Hawk and Dove learn a little something about the Circle. It seems that there are multiple Avatars of War. Osprey may have been one of them. But even Condor and Swan don't understand exactly what Dove is. Except the bad writing makes them seem to understand what's going on with her as an Avatar of Peace becoming more violent hanging around with the Avatar of War. And then they don't know what she is at all later. And then they know exactly what will happen if they stab her with their magic sword. But they still don't get her. Or something.

Condor and Swan are free to find more War Avatars and suck their power and Deadman has gone missing. And I guess Science Terrorist Quirk and his MoMD are still on the loose. This was a decent issue with a more explanations about Hawk and Dove which keeps the story interesting. But then Hawk is downed with a single blast from a stunner gun so that Condor can get away while Dove fights Robot Zombies. So that's lazy writing. Just invent something to knock the super powerful Avatar of War out in one panel so that we can get Condor out the door.

I think Hawk & Dove can remain at their current ranking.