Is this the Player's Handbook for 5th Edition Dungeons & Dragons?
• Yesterday I received an email that Bloodybastid left this comment on my The Wild Storm #4 commentary: "Your reviews are highly entertaining, has a sarcastic and cynical tone to them. I'm shocked no one has discovered this blog yet. Better than most other comic book blogs I skim through!" When I went to respond, I saw the comment had been deleted by the author. So I went from feeling warm fuzzies to cold pricklies in the matter of seconds. Did Bloodybastid change their mind, realizing my reviews weren't entertaining at all but just childish and full of ignorant commentary? Did they read a second commentary which happened to attack something they loved (like maybe their mother?) so they stormed back to delete the comment and shit all over my brief and unsustainable joy that somebody appreciated something I had done? Maybe — and this makes the most sense — they realized the said my blog was "better than most" and thought, "I misspoke! It's better than all of the other comic book blogs! I'd better delete this before somebody reads my comment and goes off to search for a comic book blog better than this one. That's a rabbit hole without a bottom, for sure!"
• I finally entered the 21st Century! No, I still don't own a smart phone. But I did use a friend's cable account information so I can watch Twin Peaks on Showtime! Apparently I can use the same information to watch Ash vs Evil Dead on Starz and Game of Thrones on HBO Go! It's like I've finally become a real boy!
• I would discuss my thoughts on Twin Peaks but I was only able to watch three of the four episodes that dropped before I had to go to work. And now the Non-Certified Spouse is out of town for a few days, so I won't be able to finish the opening story until then. Watching this has made me realize something. People who describe non-David Lynch vehicles as "Lynchian" probably need to be punched in the genitals and kicked in the head after they've fallen to the ground because their genitals hurt so much. Let's see any other director have the balls to spend a full episode on a dazed protagonist wandering around a casino hitting jackpots on every machine with a tiny Red Room floating over it. Nobody would be saying, "It was so Lynchian!" They would be saying, "What the fuck? That director was given a paycheck for that?!"
• That wasn't a criticism of the episode even if it sounded like it was! It was an example how nobody would ever praise a director for being Lynchian if they actually were being Lynchian. Maybe I've been hearing people wrong all this time! Maybe when a work of art is Lynchian and not by David Lynch, they've actually been saying, "That was lynchian." As in "somebody should be lynched for that."
• Let's see. What else can I discuss that isn't this comic book? The main issue in my life right now is organizing my time so I can start reading more books. I still have a ton of books that I want to read but I always feel that time spent reading is time lost writing. And when I read something that's fantastically written, I quickly stop paying attention to what I'm reading as my mind begins working on the stuff I could be writing. And yet I still want to read a fuckton of shit! It wouldn't be a problem if I could live to be several hundred. Then I could read some books and really wander, really wonder.
• The writing in this book is atrocious. It is of that bent in which the writer attempts to be more eloquent than their ability allows for. Like that sentence I just wrote! It was an example of the thing that was being said. I think there's a word for that but I'm too old to remember what it is, even if I look it up right now. Besides, if I learn a new fact, I might forget a pertinent bit of Batman trivia that could be the deciding question in a bar trivia night.
• Oh, here's an example of the writing, especially in the Narration Boxes, being terrible: "The sweet chirps of singing birds could be heard — the melodic sounds of nature that would herald both the coming dawn." And what? Both the coming dawn and what?! I suppose that example wasn't a good example of the thing I said terribly in the previous bullet point. It was just an annoying mistake that should have been caught in a rewrite or a quick edit. But since nobody caught it, I'm guessing nobody cared enough about this book to rewrite it or edit it. Somebody just sharted it out on paper and said, "Good enough!" I suppose, after the stuff I've put out there on this blog, I should probably respect that.
• Apparently the Amazons have a fight song. It's all "Let us fight and also hug! We are enigmas and shit! Peace through violence is cool but violence through peace is even better, I think! Go team go! Themyscira High School Football Rules!"
• The Amazons escape from the Jotuns. Good thing they did that before they were raped! Oh wait. I forgot. Nobody was raping anybody because that would incur the wrath of readers all over the Internet, or at least the part of the Internet that Tumblr runs on. They weren't raped; they were ensorcelled. Which might sound a bit rapey but I assure you none of their bodies were touched in creepy, pervy, violent ways! Some witch just cast a spell which mixed their DNA with the DNA of the giants and rape babies were formed through magic! And not rape! Stop typing rape, you idiot! That was me typing directly to me because sometimes I don't listen to myself. Also, it'll be a good pull quote for next month!
• I finally entered the 21st Century! No, I still don't own a smart phone. But I did use a friend's cable account information so I can watch Twin Peaks on Showtime! Apparently I can use the same information to watch Ash vs Evil Dead on Starz and Game of Thrones on HBO Go! It's like I've finally become a real boy!
• I would discuss my thoughts on Twin Peaks but I was only able to watch three of the four episodes that dropped before I had to go to work. And now the Non-Certified Spouse is out of town for a few days, so I won't be able to finish the opening story until then. Watching this has made me realize something. People who describe non-David Lynch vehicles as "Lynchian" probably need to be punched in the genitals and kicked in the head after they've fallen to the ground because their genitals hurt so much. Let's see any other director have the balls to spend a full episode on a dazed protagonist wandering around a casino hitting jackpots on every machine with a tiny Red Room floating over it. Nobody would be saying, "It was so Lynchian!" They would be saying, "What the fuck? That director was given a paycheck for that?!"
• That wasn't a criticism of the episode even if it sounded like it was! It was an example how nobody would ever praise a director for being Lynchian if they actually were being Lynchian. Maybe I've been hearing people wrong all this time! Maybe when a work of art is Lynchian and not by David Lynch, they've actually been saying, "That was lynchian." As in "somebody should be lynched for that."
• Let's see. What else can I discuss that isn't this comic book? The main issue in my life right now is organizing my time so I can start reading more books. I still have a ton of books that I want to read but I always feel that time spent reading is time lost writing. And when I read something that's fantastically written, I quickly stop paying attention to what I'm reading as my mind begins working on the stuff I could be writing. And yet I still want to read a fuckton of shit! It wouldn't be a problem if I could live to be several hundred. Then I could read some books and really wander, really wonder.
• The writing in this book is atrocious. It is of that bent in which the writer attempts to be more eloquent than their ability allows for. Like that sentence I just wrote! It was an example of the thing that was being said. I think there's a word for that but I'm too old to remember what it is, even if I look it up right now. Besides, if I learn a new fact, I might forget a pertinent bit of Batman trivia that could be the deciding question in a bar trivia night.
• Oh, here's an example of the writing, especially in the Narration Boxes, being terrible: "The sweet chirps of singing birds could be heard — the melodic sounds of nature that would herald both the coming dawn." And what? Both the coming dawn and what?! I suppose that example wasn't a good example of the thing I said terribly in the previous bullet point. It was just an annoying mistake that should have been caught in a rewrite or a quick edit. But since nobody caught it, I'm guessing nobody cared enough about this book to rewrite it or edit it. Somebody just sharted it out on paper and said, "Good enough!" I suppose, after the stuff I've put out there on this blog, I should probably respect that.
• Apparently the Amazons have a fight song. It's all "Let us fight and also hug! We are enigmas and shit! Peace through violence is cool but violence through peace is even better, I think! Go team go! Themyscira High School Football Rules!"
• The Amazons escape from the Jotuns. Good thing they did that before they were raped! Oh wait. I forgot. Nobody was raping anybody because that would incur the wrath of readers all over the Internet, or at least the part of the Internet that Tumblr runs on. They weren't raped; they were ensorcelled. Which might sound a bit rapey but I assure you none of their bodies were touched in creepy, pervy, violent ways! Some witch just cast a spell which mixed their DNA with the DNA of the giants and rape babies were formed through magic! And not rape! Stop typing rape, you idiot! That was me typing directly to me because sometimes I don't listen to myself. Also, it'll be a good pull quote for next month!
They didn't violate them in the way you're thinking! I already explained that! And also that image isn't a metaphor for the way they weren't violated earlier! Stop bringing it up already! You're going to put me on Tumblr's List of Most Problematic Gross People!
• I wonder if Tisiphone has gotten a cease and desist letter from Apple's lawyers on the use of her name?
• The Amazons that are still alive escape their Jotun prison and head off to kill the Jotuns. The Jotuns have all gone to Muspell which is some place I would know more about if I'd been more into Norse Mythology than Greek Mythology as a twelve year old. Apparently it's where Surtr lives. I bet Loki stole one of the vowels from his name.
• The dead Amazons also attack the Jotuns. Somehow. I guess they weren't actually wanted in Valhalla because of their, you know, boobies and vaginas.
• During the events of whatever the plot is, there is a lot of dialogue where the women are propping each other up with compliments. They're proving that sisterhood is strong! Also while they're talking, I keep getting glimpses of their underwear! The male gaze is also strong! It has the ability to see past feminist discussions into the heart of what truly matters: how much butt cheek has escaped the speaker's underwear!
• The battle ends with the Amatuns arriving to kill Surtr with his Black Sword. That wasn't a typo. They non-rape spawns of the Jotuns and Amazons (remember! It was sorcery and not penetration that created them!) call themselves Amatuns. Seriously? When Jomazons was sitting right there!
• I have no idea who this book is for. I have asked literally nobody else and they all say the same thing: "This book is not entertaining me at all."
• The Amazons that are still alive escape their Jotun prison and head off to kill the Jotuns. The Jotuns have all gone to Muspell which is some place I would know more about if I'd been more into Norse Mythology than Greek Mythology as a twelve year old. Apparently it's where Surtr lives. I bet Loki stole one of the vowels from his name.
• The dead Amazons also attack the Jotuns. Somehow. I guess they weren't actually wanted in Valhalla because of their, you know, boobies and vaginas.
• During the events of whatever the plot is, there is a lot of dialogue where the women are propping each other up with compliments. They're proving that sisterhood is strong! Also while they're talking, I keep getting glimpses of their underwear! The male gaze is also strong! It has the ability to see past feminist discussions into the heart of what truly matters: how much butt cheek has escaped the speaker's underwear!
• The battle ends with the Amatuns arriving to kill Surtr with his Black Sword. That wasn't a typo. They non-rape spawns of the Jotuns and Amazons (remember! It was sorcery and not penetration that created them!) call themselves Amatuns. Seriously? When Jomazons was sitting right there!
• I have no idea who this book is for. I have asked literally nobody else and they all say the same thing: "This book is not entertaining me at all."
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