Batman #45

Gotham Dance Party!

It's been so long since Commissioner Batman was trapped inside that industrial furnace that I forgot Commissioner Batman became trapped inside an industrial furnace! And Julia Perrywonth was kidnapped while helping him! I think they were after some pig devils or something. How do people who don't take notes on the comic books they read remember what's happening in any of the comics they read?! I created this entire blog simply to remind myself what was happening from month to month. The only problem with that idea was I forgot how much I lie and make things up, so often even after rereading one of my critiques, I don't actually remember what was happening. Take Blackhawks #8, for instance! I'll never remember what actually happened at the end of that series! Thanks, asshole me from three years ago!

Commissioner Batman escapes the furnace using a batarang which is totally what everybody expected. Although he really should look into purchasing a Bat-Grapple for the next time he finds himself at the bottom of a burning pit. Once Commissioner Batman is out of the pit, he still finds he has a dozen thugs to beat up. He fails to beat all of them up. See, his Batsuit can keep him safe when temperatures around him soar to 1000 degrees. But a thug's knife tears straight through that shit. Luckily the Honey Bunny Bat Armor has a seek and destroy mode which Daryl has activated. Also Julia is hanging out with Daryl. I guess she's immune to being kidnapped.

What I'm saying without bothering to scan in any pictures is Jim Gordon gets lucky and survives. And now that we've gotten that out of the way, it's time for Bruce Wayne!

Stop being so middle class, Bruce!

I just realized that I hate Alfred Pennyworth! He's being so selfish by keeping Batman away from everybody. So what if Bruce is finally happy! That's not the real Bruce! When Bruce gets his memory back, he's going to be so pissed off that Alfred didn't bring him around sooner. Because Bruce is Batman and Bruce loves being Batman and Bruce doesn't actually know how to do anything but be Batman. Sure, this guy who thinks he's in love with Madison likes the life he's living. But he and Alfred are the only two! Everybody else wants Batman back! Dick Grayson. Clark Kent. The whole Justice League. The readers. DC Comics' bank account. Everybody! Fuckin' Alfred, man. What a selfish bastard! Give us back Batman! Don't make me wait a full year of Batman and Robin Eternal to get Bruce Wayne back in the batsuit!

Bruce is going to continue to live a boring life for awhile yet, so I guess it's up to Commissioner Batman to entertain me. Except now he's being fired because Geri Powers wants something bigger than just a guy in Batman armor. Her company has developed four new elements that are massive yet stable. I guess Element 206 is named Batmanium. And I suppose Geri wants to make an army of Bat Robots out of it? I'm sure nothing will go wrong and the Powers Company won't wind up nearly destroying the entire city. I trust Scott Snyder to think up stories that can't be guessed by nincompoops on blogs who have, on occasion, put their finger in their butt while showering. Probably special occasions only though!

Later we learn that Daryl knows Duke Thomas somehow. Maybe because they're both black?

It looks like the Robins are going to have access to even better, more dangerous technology now!

Meanwhile back at the rec center, Bruce Wayne turns all of the Batcave trophies brought out into the light by The Joker into a bunch of playground equipment. That guy has really lost his edge!

And then it's time for Geri Powers city meeting on Batman. It's time to announce Batmanium! Or whatever. Maybe she's going to announce her candidacy for Ruler of Gotham. She starts talking like Bruce used to talk about how Batman needs to be a constant in Gotham and how he's bigger than just one man or one generation. But before she can get to the programmable robots stalking the city streets, the Bat Blimp crashes through the window behind her and Mister Bloom steps out. Oh! Maybe he's announcing his candidacy for Ruler of Gotham!

Batman #45 Rating: No change. Where are all the smart people to tell me what the fuck is going on in this comic book?! Why Mister Bloom? What does he represent? Why is he the current archenemy of this story? Is he a foil for Commissioner Gordon? Or is he just representative of evil planting its seeds across the city? I think I've been far too facetious since Commissioner Gordon took over the role of Batman and I've lost the thread of why Gordon is the Batman that Gotham needs right now. Or is all of this what Gordon needs right now? Who's been paying close enough attention to explain to me why this story matters?! Somebody else do the work for once! Anybody?!