Eclipso: The Darkness Within: The Adventures of Superman Annual #4 (August 1992)

Guy Gardner AND Lobo on the cover of a '90s comic book? This issue must have sold a trillion copies!

The Adventures of Superman Annual #4 (August 1992)
By Robert Loren Fleming, Bob McLeod, Albert De Guzman, and Matt Hollingsworth
Cover by Joe Quesada and Jimmy Palmiotti
Edited by Dan Thorsland and Mike Carlin

• I've been trying to interpret this cover for three days now. Here's what I've concluded: Superman's right side has been Eclipsed which is why his right arm and right bollock¹ are so massive. Lobo has shoved his hook up his own ass to stimulate his Czarnian prostate because it makes killing feel so much better. With Lobo about to bite into Superman's midsection, this might be the first cover by an artist who understood the true meaning of Lobo's name². Superman has shoved Krypto up his ass to lick his prostate which is why he's currently having a screaming orgasm. He didn't do it in anticipation of this battle; he was just doing it for kicks when he was attacked by Lobo. Guy Gardner, not being the best at smarts, believes a gigantic fireball made out of yellow light will harm Superman and/or Lobo. It's also possible he was so late to the battle that he has yet to get his yellow fireball up his ass so that it massages his prostate while he, oh, I don't know, sucks Lobo's dick? Is that how everybody else sees this cover? Seems pretty logical to me. • This is the final Eclipso: The Darkness Within annual that I have to read unless I find the Green Arrow and The Demon annuals. I know I have The Demon annual with my run of Grant and Semieks series. But was I getting Green Arrow at the time? That doesn't seem possible. The only time I remember purchasing Green Arrow of my own free will³ was when Kevin Smith was writing it. But I wasn't reading most of these other series that I purchased the annuals for so it's weird that I don't have Green Arrow. Maybe I've just always hated him that much and I couldn't bear to spend the money on it. I probably thought, "I could play a full game of Cyberball for two dollars and fifty cents instead!"

I'm going to guess that Lobo was so drunk that he just assumed he was in Antarctica when he visited the Fortress and saw the snow and polar bears.

• You know what? I give up. I always figured Superman's Fortress of Solitude was in the Arctic but enough writers keep putting it in the Antarctic that I'm simply tired of fighting it. I'm glad they finally put it in the Bermuda Triangle. Or wherever the fuck it is now. It's been in so many different places, no wonder no writer can keep it straight.

• When I was a young prepubescent dimwit of moderate energy, I once decided to dig a hole in my backyard. Not a small hole. No, this was going to be the biggest hole anybody had ever seen since the Chicxulub crater was discovered. And since this possibly took place before that was discovered, it was going to simply be the biggest hole. I dug down about two feet but the diameter of the hole was near four feet. It was about that time that I uncovered something that looked a lot like that disgusting L.E.G.I.O.N. member scanning the Antarctic for Superman except that it was brown. I had no idea what it was but when I hit it with my shovel, it split open and oozed what I'm assuming was all of its gooey life essences out into the dirt. I had no idea what it was and didn't even consider it was something living, some kind of pupa or chrysalis. But when I saw it rupture and spill vital fluids across the dirt, I freaked out. I threw down my shovel and ran inside the house to hide from, well, I don't know what I was hiding from. I was just completely creeped out. The hole remain undug for several years. I believe, at some point, long after the unheimlich of the incident had faded from my blood, my friends and I used the crater as a battle place for some kind of Warhammer game that wasn't exactly Warhammer but I can't remember what it was.

• Apparently as a young boy, "running inside the house to hide" was my go-to move. I also used to go out in the driveway late at night and shine a flashlight into the starry sky until I was sure that aliens had noticed me and were homing in on my location. I'd become a living goosebump and run inside to hide from the aliens. If they came knocking, they could take my mother. I'd be safe under my Scooby Doo blanket!

• In this comic book, we learn nothing. I was going to say one of two things but since you can't be sure which it is (among, I'm sure, an infinite amount of interpretations being that human beings are infinitely stupid and also finitely smart), you effectively learn nothing. Those two things that totally don't matter are this: Alfred totally wasn't in the SAS at all and he's a huge fucking liar and massive scaredy cat; or Alfred has an infinite amount of patience with Batman's wards and willingly indulges their stupid pranks to make them feel good.

I guess the fact that Alfred doesn't instantly kill Dick here isn't really proof that Alfred wasn't SAS. I guess.

• After Alfred shits his pants and/or puts away the blade that was mere seconds from going through Dick's eye and piercing his brain, he calls Dick a "scamp". That sounds like a slur for circus people!

• Nightwing's searching for Superman in the Batcave but Alfred is all, "No Superman here, according to the Batcave Sensors which, as you know, are especially dialed in to detect Superman so Batman can kill him." The fact that Nightwing looks for Superman in the Batcave after Superman's turned evil says a lot about the tenuous relationship between Clark and Bruce. Or Nightwing just figured that Superman had to hide from the sun as Eclipso so why not the Batcave? It's dark and full of people who would beat his ass when they discovered he was there. He might be a great trapeze artist with a stylish mullet and ponytail but he's a shit detective.

• Have you ever spent a few hours fantasizing about seeing Crimson Fox and Black Canary wrestle in shit? If so, you're in lucky, baby!

The guy with the waggly nose that's always sniffing out mysteries can't smell that the mud they're wrestling in is shit.

• If any superhero team ever needed a sexual harassment in the work place seminar, it's Justice League Europe. And I don't just meant the guys! The way Crimson Fox, Catherine Cobert, and Sue Dibny treated Captain Atom like a prime hunk of fat cock was just as hot and sexy⁴ as when Wally and Ralph did treated Power Girl like a sentient pair of tits.

• Booster Gold manages to locate Superman using a computer all by himself without any help at all, probably, from Skeets and an earpiece.

• For some reason, Wildebeest is hanging out with Booster, Fire, Ice, and Bloodwynd. I really don't fucking care to know why. I'm more interested in why Fire has blonde hair.

It's easy enough to answer: it's a coloring mistake. Her hair is green in every other panel. Boo. I want in-continuity reasons!

• If you're wondering where Blue Beetle is, he was kidnapped by Bruce Gordon and taken to the Ozymandias's Band of Geniuses Building a Massive Alien Octopus and Light Gun to Shoot the Moon Island.

• Aquaman makes an appearance riding a Killer Whale and completely failing like always. He didn't get an annual because he sucks jellyfish dick⁵ and nobody would have purchased it in much the same way that I refused to purchase the Green Arrow annual.

• Everybody gathers on the side of the volcano where they've discovered Superman is hiding. Yes, even Aquaman. How's he going to help? I know, that's not fair. I could be asking the same question about Ice or Crimson Fox or Elongated Man or Black Canary. Not only are they going to battle Superman, they're going to do it inside of an active volcano. Is that why the cover depicts Guy and Lobo battling Superman? Because everybody else dies in the volcano in the first chapter?

• Guy Gardner makes his debut appearance (since undergoing his transformation in his three issue prestige format series) and really princesses it up. As if a white gloves, a pair of jeans, and cowboy boots are the hottest look of the year.

I've never seen Hal Jordan preen this badly and Hal loves to preen.

• Preen. Preeeeeeeen. Preeen. Preen. Sounds weird.

• I'm missing the next twenty pages of the comic book because I tore them out and replaced them with my own drawings of Guy Gardner and Lobo sucking and fucking each other like crazy. It's actually pretty romantic stuff. I like a little bit of sweetness and story to my hand-drawn pornography.

• Later we'll discover that Bloodwynd is really J'onn J'onzz in disguise. I'm not sure that was always supposed to be the plan or, if it was, nobody told Robert Loren Fleming because Bloodwynd tackles the volcano like a champ who isn't at all a Martian.

Wait. Did we also discover, later later, that Bloodwynd really did exist? But this version was J'onn, right? Fuck comic book continuity is so confusing.

• Lobo immediately gets his ass beat by Eclipso Superman because in 1992, the main way to show that somebody was really powerful was to have them defeat the Main Man. Every writer wanted to do a story where the hero they were writing defeats Lobo to show that they could best the absolute best. Which wound up making Lobo a huge punching bag who didn't seem capable of beating everybody. Also he was ass-raped in Hitman by Bueno Excellente which seemed, up, excessive?

• Metamorpho causes the volcano to erupt which ejects Superman and everybody else into the air. But it's moments too late as the sun just sets as Superman takes to the air. It seems the Earth is about to lose everything to Eclipso. And all because Superman gave himself to Eclipso to save the population of one small town. That would, of course, immediately be enslaved by Eclipso when Eclipso used Superman to take over the world. You know, Batman wouldn't have been so stupid. I mean, sure, Batman Eclipsed himself on purpose to defeat Eclipsed Joker. But he knew they'd wind up in a stalemate and the morning sun would interrupt their fight and save them both. Because he's no Superman⁶.

• All of the heroes who gathered at the volcano to stand around uselessly as the heroes with powers tried to stop Superman wind up being needed to save the villagers of the island escape the lava from the volcano which the heroes caused to erupt. They bring them to the ocean where there aren't enough boats for everybody so Aquaman brings in some whales leading to Nightwing saying the rarest statement in the history of DC Comics.

But I mean, did he? Really?

• Having a character exclaim that Aquaman saved the day makes it feel like Aquaman must not have actually saved the day or else why would readers need a massive shot of Nightwing enthusiastically stating it? This feels like Batman got Nightwing alone for a moment early in the morning and said, "If you get the chance, really play up Aquaman's part in the heroics. I feel like he's starting to think he's just as useless as we all know he is."

• Eclipso Superman beats the shit out of everybody for a few minutes until Guy Gardner, having raced to the sun and back in, presumably, sixteen minutes, brings back a big scoop of solar matter to dump in Superman's face. Then he tackles him into the volcano where Superman finally returns to normal and where Guy's boots, jeans, and white gloves don't burn off of his body. I guess the Sinestro ring is as good at protecting its host as the Green Lantern rings.

• All of the heroes and villains who have been Eclipsed are gathering at the crater in Arizona. Pantha is one of them which explains why Wildebeest was being babysat by Bloodwynd. I forgot exactly what happened during the Titans Annual because I re-read it a few years ago when I was re-reading the Titans series.

• Dick and Superman track down all of the missing scientists except Dick leaves Superman t find them himself because he has to go fight the Eclipsed Titans in a crater. So Superman goes on his own and walks into a trap! But it's just a trap for Eclipso in that Superman gets blasted with sunlight as he walks in on the scientists. But that's where this issue ends. As if readers are going to be all, "Oh no! Superman walked into a trap! He's done for!" He's fine! Just a little more powered up, probably!

The Ranking!
That's the end of The Darkness Within annuals! Only one book left: Eclipso: The Darkness Within #2! This annual was really good because Lobo and Guy Gardner and Lobo and Lobo and Guy Gardner and — you won't believe this one — Phase's ass. Hoo boy! What an ass! It may have excited me more than Lobo and Guy Gardner beating the shit out of Superman.


__________________________________________________________________________________
¹ Bollock not depicted. But, believe me, it's fucking huge.
² In the Czarnian language, Lobo means "One who devours your entrails and thoroughly enjoys it."
³ No, nobody forced me to purchase it without my consent. I added that condition because reading The New 52 Green Arrow wasn't my free will; it was just a necessary part of the project to read all of The New 52 books every month.
⁴ I mean despicable. I meant to say despicable!
⁵ They must have dicks, right? Big stinging danglers!
⁶ Meaning he's smart. Like how when I said Superman was no Batman, that meant Superman was dumb.

The Adventures of Superman #499 (February 1993)

Was Superman known for his love of falconry?

I read a lot of stuff. Sometimes when I'm sitting on the toilet (which usually isn't long because I'm really efficient with my bowel movements, generally. But sometimes, you need some patience), I just grab some bottle or box out of the bathroom cabinet or pantry and read the label. Today, I grabbed a bottle called "Dr. Bronner's Siberian Fir & Spruce Sal Suds Biodegradable Cleaner". The Non-Certified Spouse is currently in another state and I can't ask her immediately where she bought it but if I had to guess, it was at Schizophrenics 'R' Us. What grabbed my attention was that every section of the label is filled with writing, some horizontal and some vertical, so you have to turn the bottle to read it. It looks exactly like when a schizophrenic puts there thoughts down on paper. Every empty space covered by the smallest font imaginable. And after reading the label, my instincts were confirmed. I hate to use the term "nuts" because we all have a variety of mental illness issues to varying degrees but I think "cuckoo" might be too insensitive. Of course, Dr. Bronner has made it work for him so no judgments from me! Plus I'm not schizophrenic but I have read Kurt Vonnegut's son Mark's book, The Eden Express, which details quite well how a trip on LSD mirrors schizophrenia and I have done loads of LSD so I'm probably nearly an expert to speak on being schizophrenic. That's how it works, right?

Anyway, here's the opening line (I think it's the opening line? It's at the top of the label and in bold font) of Dr. Bronner's rant or manifesto or thesis:

Absolute cleanliness is Godliness! Teach the Moral ABC that unites all mankind free, instantly 6 billion strong & we're All-One! "Listen Children Eternal Father Eternally One!"

Following that opening 16 "absolutes" that Dr. Bronner begins by stating they're "From Confucius' Absolutes". I have my doubts that Dr. Bronner got his "absolutes" from Confucius but since I've never read Confucius, I can't say for certain. It's just a hunch based on the contents of his absolutes. Let me quote #2 here:

2. It is an absolute full truth that everybody in God's tremendous universe must eat or there is no body! To shine on, eat must even the Sun, consuming every second on its surface meteoric matter 100,000 tons! Exceptions? Absolute none!

But the absolutes aren't the weirdest part! The cake gets taken by the lines placed vertically that explain the history of the company. It begins normal enough, I suppose.

From '29 to '44, soapmaker-master-chemist Bronner built 3 American soap plants, trained 9 chemists, licensed 6 of 53 patents for $60,000!

A little awkward, sure, but if written on a normal label and left at that, nobody would even pay it much attention. But then the second line is all, "Oh, you thought you bought soap from a person without schizophrenia? Oh how wrong you were, consumer!"

But after '44, after losing father-mother-wife, almost his own life, tortured-blinded, he deeded to African astronomer Israel's 6000 year great All-One-God-Faith all of his patents, plants, products, profits, 4 new industries: Planetemples & "Town Without Toothache" potassium-soda industry giving mankind a new Mineral-Seasoning, Barley Malt Sweetener, Corn-Sesame-Chips, Balanced Bouillon, Sal Suds & 'Dr. Bronner's Magic Soaps'.

I really wasn't planning on transcribing this whole label (and I won't! I just did one of the sixteen Absolutes! I'm just going to finish this biography) but I am absolutely fucking fascinated by this thing. How many people are buying this stuff and just not reading the incredibly tiny and off-putting type just plastered all over the label?! Anyway, here's the final bit of Dr. Bronner's secret history which he decided should end in a poem that, I guess, equates to Philip K. Dick's pink laser piercing his brain?

In '74, after father-mother-wife murdered, ourself tortured-blinded, we wrote this poem: To keep my health! To do my work! To love, to live! To see to it I gain & grow & give & give! Never to look behind me for an hour! Never to wait in weakness nor to brag in power! Always working, searching for more truth, more light! Always writing, teaching what I found good & right! Robbed-starved-beaten-blinded, wide astray! Back with the full-truth I've gained, back to the way. Smile, help teach the whole Human race, the Moral ABC of All-One-God-Faith, Lightning-like strong & we're All-One!

Fucking magnificent! Dr. Bronner, wherever you are, beaten, starved, blinded but not down, no way, I just want to say: I fucking love you, man! But also, speaking as a tourist in the schizophrenic brain space, maybe check in on some medication because while it all looks connected and True when the brains chemicals are zigging and zagging in ways they never were meant to be, it's all nonsense once your mind returns to regular chemical functions. Sure, I get it! Normal brain = boring brain. Regular brain chemistry = no magical mystical beautiful All-One connected world! But you're probably exhausted by the connections, dude. Although, really, I can't fault you and maybe I just want to bring you down because I can't always remain where you are, seeing what isn't but possibly could (or should!) be. Why should I think the non-LSD, zero-schizophrenia brain sees reality better than the Everything is Connected brain of the tripping or mentally ill? I can't! Plus, why would I want to ask Dr. Bronner to change his ways when he puts this at the bottom of the main label:

In all we do, let us be generous, fair & loving to Spaceship Earth and all its inhabitants. For we're ALL-ONE OR NONE! ALL-ONE!

And with Dr. Bronner's last thought, we're basically in the mind of Superman and back to the comic! See? It is all connected!

I love Tom Grummett's choice of perspective on this page.

Last issue ended with Westfield, the leader of Cadmus, and a crew robbing the grave of Superman. This issue begins with the revelation that Lex Luthor filled Superman's grave with heat detectors and infrared monitors but no cameras for some reason. The reason could be that it was 1993 and Lex didn't want to be known as the Margaret Thatcher of Metropolis by filling every space with CCTV cameras. But he also built in a backdoor tunnel leading to the crypt that he could use for, well, you know what a tunnel into a crypt that contains only a corpse would probably be used for. He has sent Supergirl to investigate.

Supergirl discovers Superman's coffin is missing and a hole has been drilled into his tomb. She follows the hole hoping to find Superman alive and well and maybe a vampire which is why he still needs the coffin?

Later, this guy takes a jab at this other guy while I think about Oreos and boobies.

I'm not really interested in stories about Superman's D-List characters so I'm really not paying too much attention to the Gangbuster stuff. I doubt his story will be significant anyway since Gangbuster doesn't become one of the leads in Reign of the Supermen. I don't think. I never did read that!

I'd say I don't recognize about 40% of the characters in this story. I was definitely one of the people DC was thinking about when they decided to kill Superman. "There's a bunch of stupid nerds out there not buying any of our multiple Superman titles! We've tried everything to attract them to his stories and yet nothing! What do they want from us? Blood?!" And it worked! For a little bit What they didn't plan on was how the non-Superman lovers were less like Audrey II. A few drops did appease us and then we stopped buying the comics and everything was back to status quo and DC didn't keep murdering more and more heroes to keep our attention. I mean, they broke Batman's back but who wasn't already reading Batman and all his alternate titles?! So much better than Superman!

Clark had a cat named Elroy?! Why didn't DC highlight this character instead of stupid non-feline Gangbuster?!

There's not much more to the story since Elroy only makes about three panels. Bibbo and Gangbuster fight some drug dealers. Turpin loses his pants in a fight with the Underworlders. Supergirl fails to find Superman's body. And that's about it. This issue's main goal was to make sure a bunch of different characters found out Superman's body had gone missing. And that's about it.

The Adventures of Superman #499 Rating: C-. This issue feels like the one editorial chose to not advance the story because they plotted the story out beforehand and only really needed seven issues to tell it. But they felt they needed to include every Superman title an equal amount of times which meant each of the four had to appear twice. It's also possible that they needed less than seven issues to tell the story and one of the next three will also tell nearly zero story. Of course, if I were a fan of Superman and all of the characters that appear in orbit around his main stories, this issue would have been fine because I enjoy character driven stories that don't necessarily drive the plot forward. I'm not one of those people who would watch an episode of Lost that didn't drive the mystery forward because it spent the entire episode with Hurley fixing up a VW van and finding a nice golfing spot. I remember people getting all worked up at The Walking Dead whenever they would tell a tangential story in the midst of some major conflict. As long as an episode or issue has something to say, either about the character or the world or the ongoing mystery or whatever, I'm usually pretty happy about it. But since I don't give a fuck about Turpin or Gangbuster or Bibbo (sometimes I might act like I care about Bibbo but, deep down, he could have his skull crushed by Mercy Graves' thighs and I wouldn't give a shit. My penis would (because of Mercy's thighs and not because of Bibbo's exploding head!) but my brain would be all, "Good. Who cares? What's going on with Elroy?") but I'll forget anything they did in this issue in about five to ten minutes.

The Adventures of Superman #498 (January 1993)

How many days did they just leave Superman's body lying in the street?

Either The Daily Planet printed off an extra edition sensationalizing the Doomsday attack while the attack was still going on or Superman's body, possibly too heavy to move, has been left for at least a day on the streets of Metropolis like a piece of garbage. Perhaps the edition of this paper was explained in the previous issue of the story, Superman #75, where Superman died. But I have no idea which short box my Death of Superman comic book has been stored so I'll have to read it later when I stumble upon it. By then, I'll have totally forgotten about this shot of Superman lying amid papers which had to have either been published after he died or while he was still currently battling Doomsday which, you know, seems pretty insensitive. As if the New York Times printed an edition of their paper before the second plane had hit the second tower.

This issue begins with Jimmy Olsen missing out on several Pulitzers.

Get out your camera, dumb-dumb!

Jimmy Olsen might think it's disrespectful to snap shots of Lois cradling a dead Superman in her arms but he'll think differently after Perry White calls him every rude name in the American, British and possibly Spanish Dictionary for missing this shot. Although it's possible he already snapped it in Superman #75! How can I know since Past Me can't figure out how to organize his old comic books?

This seems to be the immediate aftermath of Superman's battle with Doomsday so I'm not sure why the editor is telling readers to read Justice League #70 first when that one takes place some time later when Ice is out of the hospital (again!) and somebody has already created black armbands to show they're mourning. Perhaps Batman already had boxes of Superman's Dead Armbands lying around the batcave. He probably has boxes for every hero, especially Aquaman.

Lois and Jimmy can't actually tell if Superman's dead or alive because you probably can't feel his heartbeat through his invulnerable skin. Besides, his resting heartrate is probably a fraction of a beat per minute. And does he even need to really breathe? How often do you think Lois wakes up at night and pokes him with a bit of Kryptonite just to make sure he's still alive? Oh shit! Could you imagine Superman with sleep apnea? I bet his snoring would vibrate Lois's skull until it was soup.

Bloodwynd (who can read minds because he's J'onn even though nobody knows that yet) and Dubbilex assure everybody that they can find no signs of brain activity which indicates he's either dead or Guy Gardner. And since he hasn't honked Lois's tits yet as she cradles him, he's not Guy. The Metropolis Special Crimes Unit aren't sure if Doomsday is dead either so they go about their special military safety protocols to determine if he's still alive.

Their protocols are the same as any six year old with a stick.

Dubbilex decides to read Doomsday's mind and decides Doomsday must be dead because he's not angry anymore. Lois, on the other hand, refuses to believe that Superman is dead because what do any of these idiots know about Kryptonian biology? He might just be in a really deep coma as his body recovers from the near-mortal injuries and will come back to life in just a few months! Jimmy tries to point out that she's being hysterical and we're almost saddled with a Death of Jimmy Olsen issue.

Also Lois was right from the very first minute but all the "extremely rational and logical" men were all, "Stop being so emotional! He's dead, Lois!" Fucking men.

Speaking of men fucking, The Guardian decides this is his chance to go for it.

Gross.

I don't think that's gross because Superman is dead. It's gross because Superman's a guy. No wait. Strike that. Reverse it. It is because Superman's dead. Whew! I saved my reputation by the skin of my teeth!

Just for transparency's sake, Cat Grant also tries to tell Lois Superman's dead and Cat isn't a man. Although she is Lois's biggest career rival and jealous of Lois getting to stroke that fat Superman dick. Cat suggests maybe STAR Labs can help Superman but Lois, not listening to Cat Grant as usual, screams that somebody should do something to help Superman. So maybe STAR Labs could have helped but Cat's suggestion was ignored.

The EMTs arrive, shove The Guardian off of Superman, and get to work working on a body that they don't understand at all. But hey, what is it to be human if not blundering into a situation believing you know what you're doing?

"Hey, I don't feel a pulse on this alien's incredibly hard and rigid neck! And The Guardian couldn't feel him breathe while he was kissing him! Maybe zap him with the shock paddles in the place we'd normally shock a human whose heart was fibrillating!"

This defibrillator probably messed up Kal-el's healing process which is why we wound up with Red and Blue Superman. I mean, unless there's a different explanation later. How should I know?! This is the only run of Superman I've ever read and I stopped after Funeral for a Friend!

During the chaos of the aftermath of Doomsday's attack, Lex Luthor finds his way to the streets to collect the disgusting alien creature he calls Supergirl. He cradles the gray mass of ungenitaled flesh gently, picks the thing up in his bulging Australian arms, and takes whatever it is back to Lex Tower to, I don't know, fuck it? What is Supergirl anyway?! Did Lex create her? Is she his alien waifu?

Meanwhile, the EMTs continue to be stupid.

Did these guys do their training at the Victor Frankenstein School of Medicine?

Jimmy Olsen realizes Superman needs a doctor that's actually examined him in the past when he was healthy. But Lois is all, "Superman was a man so he never went to a doctor! Although he was examined once by Kitty Faulkner at STAR Labs. Hopefully for medical reasons, that slut!" Meanwhile, Cat Grant is all, "Where's that fucking stupid klutz, Clark? Shouldn't he be here doing his job?" And Jimmy is all, "Yeah! Stupid Clark! Where is that jerk? Can't even do his job correctly! Total failure!" And Lois is all, "**SOBS HYSTERICALLY**"

Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Kent, apparently unable to watch the battle on television, distracted themselves by completely changing their outfits and redecorating their television room.

Maybe Ma didn't fight off Pa's advances like I thought she had and they got naked, fucked, broke the couch, put on a change of clothes, and retired to their alternate television room?


This is what they were up to during the huge televised battle between their son and Doomsday.

Cadmus makes off with Doomsday's body but Dan Turpin, Maggie Sawyer, and The Guardian refuse to let them take Superman. There's a bit of interdisciplinary violence before Cadmus backs off and leaves Superman with the "good" guys. The "good" guys, understanding nothing about how a defibrillator works other than what they've seen in the movie Flatliners concoct a massively powerful set of paddles to shock Superman back to life. It doesn't work although maybe it does work but they don't know it? I have a feeling this moment probably helped so that Bibbo and The Guardian and these other nobodies can be seen as heroes later.

Later at the Daily Planet, everybody is all, "Don't worry, Lois! Clark may be among the missing now but he'll show up like always!" And then Lois sobs even more and Jimmy walks her home.

The Adventures of Superman #498 Rating: B. By the end of this issue, Superman's body is still lying in the street while Perry White and the rest of the Daily Planet are busy putting a paper together so maybe a newspaper can get a paper out quicker than anybody can move Superman's body? Doomsday's body has been hauled off for scrap already though. Probably a good thing Cadmus didn't get Superman as well because then he'd come back to life with all of his organs outside his body and a nasty scar straight up his chest and abdomen. Somebody really should have hauled Doomsday's body into the sun although I don't know who could have done it now that Superman's dead. I guess Guy Gardner. Or Doctor Fate could maybe have teleported him there. I suppose the editor wanted readers to read Justice League #70 first because it's a good tribute to Superman just after he died even if it's not in the correct chronological order for the plot. Or DC just wanted to make sure everybody bought more comic books. As if killing off Superman wasn't causing DC to sell maximum comic books at this point anyway. If only The Death of Superman issue had been drawn by Rob Liefeld! Can you imagine how many copies that would have sold in the '90s?! So many! Also imagine how many pouches Doomsday would have had on his costume! So many!

The Adventures of Superman #497 (December 1992)

Somebody suggested Supes could defeat Doomsday by using his head and Superman was all, "I'm stupid!"

Am I missing something? Does Superman have some sort of Super-back-of-the-head explosion power? Is this a reference to one issue from 1962 by Gardner Fox where Superman discovers this weird-ass super power by leaning back in Perry's chair with the headrest at the Daily Planet and bringing the entire building down with his Super Reverse Head Butt Explosion? Or — and I suspect this is more to the point because even if Superman has Super-ventriloquism, there's no way he has a Super Reverse Head Butt Explosion — was Superman simply all out of ideas so he decided his best chance at stopping Doomsday would be ramming his entire body into a creature that's tough enough to hit him harder than he's every been hit before with the weakest point on Superman's entire body, his neck? After this moment, Superman should have finished the fight with his head lolling back and forth across his shoulders, chest, and back.

Or maybe Superman's X-ray vision told him that Doomsday's biggest weakness was his tum-tum?

The previous part of this story ended with Superman chasing after Doomsday and leaving a family of three to burn to death. On purpose. He could have saved them and then chased after Doomsday but he remembered hearing Booster Gold say, "Doomsday is faster than The Flash!", and Superman panicked. Plus he's probably hung around Batman so much during JLA meetings that he's bought into the argument that it's not his fault if somebody he could have saved dies. "If a manslaughter conviction wouldn't hold up in court, I'm not morally culpable," Batman would say defensively before anybody else said anything at all after Batman had just broken the femurs of eighteen henchmen, leaving them to bleed out in a filthy alley. Henchmen who only took the job with The Riddler to feed their starving children in an economy ruined by Wayne Enterprises.

Dude's got so many different super powers, he forgot about his super breath.

It's hard to blame Superman for his incompetence because it's so much easier to blame the writers for their incompetence. Every reader knows that Superman could have easily saved this family without slowing him down in his pursuit of Doomsday. The real fault lies in the story being broken up just at the point where the boy's family were about to burn because any team of writers and editors could never resist making that a major cliffhanger between issues. "What if Superman has to choose between saving the boy's family and pursuing Doomsday?" some editor said while calculating how much money they were all going to make by killing off Superman. "But Superman could easily blow out the fire with his super breath just as he sped off after Doomsday," suggested a writer who doesn't like money and was told to shut the fuck up with his stupid suggestions that would lead to no extra drama and conflict.

Superman realizes that the key to saving this kid's family and stopping Doomsday somehow comes down to the fact that Doomsday leaps but doesn't fly. "A-ha! I've got it," thinks Superman as I begin to spiral into a tornado of thoughts trying to rationalize Superman's power of flight against the laws of physics. "Doomsday has to obey all natural laws," thinks Superman, "whereas I basically have magic powers!" Somehow that's the answer to all of Superman's current problems. I'll figure out what he means when I get back to reading the comic book but I'm sure the answer will somehow be that Superman throw Doomsday to the ground and while Doomsday is beginning to leap again, Superman will have time to fly back, help the family, and then continue to pursue Doomsday. A solution much more stupid than just having saved the family before flying after Doomsday. Which I acknowledge is a dumb solution if your main intent is to create drama which — let's face Superman facts — is hard to due when you're writing a character that's all-powerful and invulnerable and basically God.

Superman shoves Doomsday into the silt at the bottom of a lake which should stall Doomsday long enough for Superman to get back to the family. Just in time to see Bloodwynd save them but to take the credit himself.

Remember, Bloodwynd is actually Martian Manhunter so he just about died saving this family from a fire that Superman could have put out with a Super Fart as he flew off to chase Doomsday.

I shouldn't be so hard on Superman. Just because he can Super Fart, it doesn't mean he can do it on command! Not many people can!

People who also could have saved Mitch's family by the time Superman got back: the Emergency Medical Team and firefighters who have already arrived by the time Superman came back. Ice who has been fawning over the nearly dead Guy Gardner and who, get this, has frozen water powers which, I'm thinking, could have been used against fire. But it's better that Superman come back to save the mother and her child because it's his comic book. That means it's his responsibility.

Meanwhile, Doomsday has defeated the mud at the bottom of the lake and destroyed a military helicopter in the time it took Superman to get back to him. But Superman has learned a valuable lesson from the nearly burnt-to-death family: save the innocent bystanders while Doomsday's on the downward trajectory of his gravity rainbow.

Mr. Destructo. Man, why didn't Superman get to name Doomsday?! Why did everybody go with Booster's nickname?!

So this is why Superman hasn't been thinking clearly and nearly got a family killed! He's been trying to come up with his own name for Doomsday that will stick! Half of his brain power is being used to think up a name for this monster because he's upset that Booster came up with a cool name for this guy immediately. Clark Kent knows it's too soon for Doomsday to stick. If he can get ahead of this and get the name "Mr. Destructo" into a quick Daily Planet article, he'll have scooped Booster Gold and probably get a thumbs up from Batman! All he has to do is get to a computer and type up an article during Mr. Destructo's next leap!

Superman forgets about Mr. Destructo being at his mercy where inertia is involved so he doesn't grab Mr. Destructo and drag him into outer space. Or maybe Superman's simply scared to grapple with this monster because the monster is so strong? Whatever the reason, Superman decides to brawl with him at ground level and destroy half the town of Kirby. Most of the brawl involves Superman having to save all the people nearly killed as a result of the brawl. Luckily, Maxima returns from having ambulanced Blue Beetle to a nearby hospital.

Meanwhile in Metropolis:

What the fuck?

I wasn't paying enough attention to understand how it happened but it looks like Lois caught wind of Booster calling the creature Doomsday. Booster named him that in Justice League #69 (hee hee) but I already packed it away and don't feel like dragging it out just to see how Booster's name caught on so fast. But if Lois is already referring to the monster as Doomsday, Clark Kent doesn't have a hope in hell of getting his Mr. Destructo moniker going. Also, somehow, Steve Lombard calls it Doomsday in a breaking news event that happens just as Lois and Turtle Boy are heading out on their assignment to cover Superman's death.

Back to the battle between Maxima, Superman, and Mr. Destructo, we learn that battle causes Maxima to gush like a smashed gas pump.

Now I'm as hard as a street light set to throbbing by a Maxima-shaped cock ring.

Man, I wish I had an image to show this over-the-top sexual metaphor that's going to lead to an enormous climax! You know what? I do!

Oh man. I'm about to explode!

Superman, Maxima, and Mr. Destructo also explode. But Mr. Destructo doesn't need any recovery time and he stomps off toward Metropolis and Supes and Maxima take a little post-coital nappy. The Guardian pulls up on his moped some time later to ask Superman, "Was all of this destruction necessary?" And Superman is all, "The guy's name is Mr. Destructo! What did you expect?!" It's at that moment that The Guardian has to give Superman the bad news: the media is already calling the creature Doomsday. He was too late! But at least Superman learned how to defeat the creature that couldn't be defeated by Superman with the help of dozens of other heroes!

Oh, okay. It was all the other heroes getting in the way. That seems like an, um, reasonable conclusion.

The Adventures of Superman #497 Rating: B. Superman learns a valuable lesson in this issue: you cannot count on your friends. Unless the lesson he actually learned because he's not as cynical as me was that he needed to protect his friends and since we've seen Mr. Destructo has the ability to kick the shit out of all of them, he realizes he can't ask anybody else to risk their lives against this creature. It's weird because the lesson heroes usually learn is that they're better together. But sometimes you have to learn that your friends are full of weak sauce and if you're going to die saving the world, it's better that you don't drag them all along with you because then DC wouldn't have any comic book issues on the shelves after they all die. Except maybe the new Turtle Boy.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #1

Supergirl is so lucky she got domed.

This convergence bullshit doesn't make any sense. If Supergirl was domed before Crisis on Infinite Earths, how did she die during Crisis on Infinite Earths? DC Comics! I demand you provide readers with Return To Infinite Crisis On Infinite Earths One Final Time Hour and fix this bullshit! I'm so sick of your universe not making any sense! How am I supposed to figure out which super hero can win in a fight against another super hero if your continuity is all fucked up?! The most important thing in my life is being able to logically explain how Blue Beetle can kick Ambush Bug's ass through the transitive property! How can I do that if I can't make sense of your universe?! I'm so confused! I'm off to read Marvel.

*disappears for fifteen minutes*

Holy shit. Um, I'm sorry, DC. Your universe is just fine the way it is.

This issue begins with Marv Wolfman writing it so it already has three strikes against it. And there were already two outs. And the ballgame had been over for a week already anyway.

Supergirl and Superman are hanging out with Lucius Fox in the Batcave.

The city has limited supplies of everything but Batman is still able to finagle extra parts for backup. I bet he's hoarding all of the morphine and sour candy too.

Pre-Crisis Gotham City is just full of the best superheroes! Batman. The Flash. Superman. Supergirl. Those other ones. So many!

Lucius has developed a helmet that I can't explain very well. Lucius is trying to build a Phantom Zone Projector but he doesn't know how. But since Supergirl saw the Projector when she was little, she should retain memories about how it was built because that makes no sense but this is a comic book so just go with it, asshole. While Supergirl wears the helmet, she watches Lucius place random parts beside each other. When two parts come together that were part of the projector, the lights on the helmet glow green. When he places two parts that don't go together near each other, the helmet glows red. So basically the helmet will be red for the next twenty years as he jams random pieces of technology together.

Is it really universal? You'd think at least one race in the universe would realize that red and green are stupid colors to use to indicate yes and no due to colorblindness. But then that might just be a fault in human genetics. But then that makes it even dumber that Lucius, a human, is still sticking by red and green as indicators. How about using an LED display that says "Correct!" and "Wrong, you stupid piece of shit!" instead?

Lucius gets lucky on his second placement of the crystal and the Phantom Zone Projector is ready to go! Now he just has to send Superman and Supergirl into the Phantom Zone where they can walk until they're past the edge of the dome and then come out of the Zone! It's a brilliant escape plan! Except as soon as Lucius sends them on their way, Planet Brainiac drops the dome. Whoops!

Oh! Oh! Is this issue entitled "Gorilla Warfare"?! Please please please please please!

Supergirl and Superman explore the Phantom Zone searching for a way out. While they fly about, Supergirl is all, "Remember how my dad built a dome over Argo City to save it from the death of Krypton and your parents?" And Superman is all, "Weep weep weep." And Supergirl is all, "Maybe that's what happened to Gotham! Somebody domed it because Earth and the Kents were destroyed!" And Superman is all, "Blubber blubber blubber blubber."

Superman gets tired of crying so he changes the topic of conversation. Next Superman is all, "I'm so logical and smart but you aren't which is why I admire you. You're emotional and more emotional." And Supergirl is all, "I don't know what to say, dick." And then they're attacked by prisoners of the Phantom Zone who despise the House of El even though it was Jor-el who saved their lives and gave them another chance if only they could get out of The Phantom Zone. Too bad every time one of them breaks free of the Zone, they decide to squander their second chance at life and attack Superman instead. Idiots.

See? Idiots. Every single one of them.

Supergirl beats up the four prisoners that followed her. She then finds vents of a special Golden Age gas that shows a person their past and future. It has to be from the Golden Age because it's so ridiculous.

Streaky!

Supergirl sees the cover to Crisis On Infinite Earths #7 and freaks the fuck out. She's going to die without ever having known the unsatisfying sexual exploits of a human male!

Kara cries over her virginity for a few hours before realizing that Superman should have caught up with her by now. So she flies off to rescue him. Or to hold his dead body in her arms while she screams at the harsh randomness of existence.

Supergirl finds the prisoners standing around her unconscious cousin making the biggest mistake of their lives.

I mean after the mistake that got them arrested and put into the Phantom Zone in the first place. Probably called Jor-el a nerd to his face.

Supergirl begins taking out the Phantom Zone prisoners one by one and leaving them in a mass grave.

What the hell is that guy wearing? A Kryptonian Censorship Bar?

Supergirl rescues her cousin and flies back to the Golden Age Gas Pit. A rupture appears in the sky but as she's flying toward it with Kal, the criminals ambush her. They delay her long enough for the rupture to close. Now they'll never get back in time to take part in Gorilla Warfare!

Meanwhile back in Pre-Crisis Gotham City, an army of gorillas have invaded. And with Superman and Supergirl trapped in the Phantom Zone, there are no heroes left in Gotham to stop the damn dirty apes! Except for Batman. And The Flash. And all of the other ones.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #1 Rating: This issue didn't have a title. I bet Marv Wolfman wanted to call it Gorilla Warfare but editorial nixed the idea because how many times has that stupid pun been used previously in comic book history? Like twenty at least! Although maybe next issue will be called Gorilla Warfare! That's more apt since the apes just invaded on the final page!

Here's my real review: 6.5 Goblets out of Lots of Goblets.