The Authority #26 (November 2001)

If I were afraid of being seen as gay, I wouldn't use a double-sided ribbed dildo as my weapon of choice, Last Call.

I might use a regular dildo with only one head because then people wouldn't think, "Why's it gotta have two heads unless you're shoving one side up yourself as you forcibly penetrate your opponent?" I'd also like to clarify that I wouldn't shove anything up the asshole of an opponent that I'm battling because I'm better than that (unless I knew for certain they had just gotten out of the shower and they were dropping flirty hints during the battle that they were kind of into it). Should I also clarify that I wouldn't beat anybody to death at all (unless they were freshly out of the shower and they had threatened one of my cats)?

Now I wish I was fighting Rush, freshly out of the shower, with a double-sided dildo and she was all, "Oops! my overalls just fell down!", as she bent over bearing her ass with a pinky up to her mouth and a sly wink.

Dinh, the leader of the Space Asians, has just resurrected The Authority out of the molecules of New Authority.

Please wish back Rush freshly out of the shower? Please oh please oh please!

David Finch isn't drawing this issue so I'm fairly certain Rush won't suddenly reappear in a towel so short you can see butt cleavage. Hopefully Jenny Sparks will be all, "I wish I was dead! Why'd you have to bring me back?! Didn't you learn anything from Season 6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?!"

The Doctor, who can rewrite reality, doesn't want anybody else to have the opportunity to rewrite reality so he's all, "It's a bad idea, gang! The consequences could be catastrophic!" He then mumbles, "to my ego". Ultimately it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks because Jenny Sparks comes up with the wish almost immediately. Fingers crossed it involves Rush and a towel. No wait! Rush and no towel!

Terrible wish. Even an amateur genie would know how to fuck up that wish!

A smart-ass genie might remove all the limbs of all the creatures on Earth with a wish of "total disarmament." But a professional genie would be all, "Oh? You want every thing that can be used as a weapon to oppress other human beings destroyed? No problem!" Then all the human beings would disappear. Or if the genie didn't want to go that far, he'd at least remove every human's hands, feet, and teeth, and probably all the penises, just to make sure nobody could ever again hurt anybody else. But then Jenny isn't asking this wish of a genie! She's asking it of a dream machine that seems to understand the subtleties of her wish.

Gun nuts are going to go crazy on Jenny for this wish. They'll be all, "Now how will women in abusive relationships protect themselves? Are you anti-women?" But they'll quickly be chased away by a goose honking, "Protect them from whom? Who did they need protecting from?!" So fuck the gun nuts. They're nuts for a reason!

In celebration of Earth suddenly having no weapons which automatically means no conflict, I guess?, the team celebrates with lots of hugs. Apollo tries to hug Midnighter and Midnighter freezes up and then headbutts him in the face. Whoops! I guess homophobia is stronger than genie wishes!

I mean, I like women but I think maybe that's just semantics? I hope?

See? For Jenny's wish to truly have worked, everybody would have had to lose their heads as well as their fists and feet and teeth! The genie who just made all humans disappear would have been the only genie expressing the wish correctly.

After murdering Dinh, the Space Asian city in Re-Space begins to collapse around them. New Authority Door back to The Carrier but not before Colonel makes one last wish on the wishing lantern. He's probably wishing for lower taxes on cartons of cigarettes.

Just in case anybody too dense to understand what just happened didn't get it.

They're all so proud of Last Call's homophobia! Look at their cute little faces beaming down on him! What a joyous moment of hate and joy!

I've mentioned my Catholic, Republican friend from high school, Soy Rakelson, on this blog before. He used to get so angry at the term "homophobia" because he insisted he wasn't scared of gay people. Not at all! And yet, he was so fucking scared of gay people! I remember how he was raving about Peter Milligan's comic book, Enigma, right up until it was plainly stated that the main character was gay and wrestling with his sexuality at which point Soy stopped reading the comic, stopped talking about the comic, and just pretended he was never into it. He was always so into broad theories because specifics always fucked him up too much. Like he loved the John Barth short story from Lost in the Funhouse, "Night-sea Journey", when he thought it was just a bunch of non-specific existentialist philosophical thinking by a "swimmer." He brought it up to me once, and I responded, "Oh, the story about the sperm?" And he just looked gobsmacked. You could see his brain clicking away at the ramifications of what the story was about and how it changed everything going from broad philosophical ramblings to the very specific existentialist quandary of a spermatozoa pleading to all other sperm to end procreation. Being John Barth, there's a lot more to it than just that, of course. Like how stories get told, how they're transmitted, how they're created, and how they outlive the creatures that create them. But his Catholic brain just shit itself the moment I pointed out that the story was from the point of view of a sperm wanting to tear it all fucking down.

What I'm saying is that Soy didn't like specifics because often the specifics wound up conflicting with his specific beliefs. Like most Conservatives (and Comicsgaters and Free Speech Enthusiasts and Racists and Homophobes), they want broad stories so they can ignore any details that go against the things they believe. Because if something in a story points even half-heartedly in the direction of accusing them of being a terrible person, they'll firebomb it, claim it's woke bullshit, and go running into their safe space man cave.

Oh shit! It's this fucker that caused things to slide right! I bet he even thought Nigel Farage into existence!

I guess that's the end of "Transfer of Power". There's an epilogue where New Authority go to battle Doctor Krigstein's assassins whom we saw in silhouette an issue or two ago. But I think that's just to tie up that loose end since nothing really came of it. It looks like he created more gender-swapped versions of The Authority with a Jill Hawksmoor and a Woodpecker (male Swift) and an Aphrodite. But that's just a splash page and then the story ends with Colonel all, "I love this job!" I hope he loves it as much when The Authority and/or Seth destroy him next issue.

The Authority #26 Rating: B+. It was fine! Who doesn't want to see the day saved by homophobia?! I mean, in a normal comic book, it would seem weird. But this is the Anti-Authority comic book where the opposite of the usual takes place. Like how Swift is boring and I constantly forget about her in the main book but Rush is exciting and I can't stop picturing her fresh out of the shower in this book! Such opposite dynamics! Also Midnighter loves cock in the regular book but he hates cock so much in this book that Last Call has probably never washed his junk or wiped his ass in thirty-two years. I find it weird when people think touching their own parts is somehow gay. The sexiest thing I can think of is my own penis! If I could only shove it up my own ass, boy oh boy! What a world this would be! And I . . . LIKE . . . WOMEN!!

The Authority #25 (October 2001)

"No Homo!"

It has previously been established that Last Call shouts his name when he murders somebody by punching them in the face. It's also been established that he's completely terrified that somebody might think he's gay. So I've solved his problems by renaming him No Homo! Now whenever he murders a man by touching that man in a way that might cause some homophobes to think, "Ew! That man just touched another man!", he can scream, "No Homo!" and they'll think, "Oh, okay! I was unclear whether or not that was homosexual. I may have been distracted by how much my butthole itches because I'm too straight to wipe. The butt is the gay place!"

Last Call attacks a Space Asian who melts all over him and they both disappear into the Æther. Teuton distracts the rest of the space fleet by flying them to the jungles of some South American nation where their attack on Earth will help New Authority kill a bunch of drug runners. The rest of New Authority head back to The Carrier to discuss how much trouble they're in since they've discovered the Space Asians and the Poverty Bomb are their fault. They dumped the refugees in Re-Space and now they've Re-turned to get Re-venge. The Colonel gets pissed off when it's evident that he's the one who's going to get blamed since he's in charge. He also gets scared because punishment by his government masters comes in the form of a meeting with Hillbilly Assassin, Seth. And that guy doesn't just murder people. He also ejaculates himself inside people so he can explode out of their nether orifices. Sometimes he fucks and eats them and shits them out before fucking and eating them again.

Last Call finds himself caged in Re-Space where he gets a lesson on how it all works and why the attack on Earth happened so suddenly after dumping the bodies.

That's a lot of word to say, "We're going to fuck you the way you fucked us."

Speaking of fucking, this Re-Spaced Southeast Asian Refugee discovers Last Call's worst fear: being homosexual. So he's all, "I can think you homosexual and then you'll be homosexual and you'll just love dick so much!" And Last Call is all, "*drool drool drool*"

I don't know if the drool is from the ball gag in his mouth or the thought of what it will soon be replaced with. Dick. It's going to be replaced with dicks.

If Last Call had learned anything about psychic defenses, he could have fooled the Re-Space guy into thinking his worst fear was butt sex with a hot woman! Then the guy would have been, "Ha ha! I can imagine you having loads of butt sex with hot women for all eternity!" Then Last Call would have died from jizzing so hard at the thought. So maybe it's good he didn't have any psychic preparations for this attack.

I'm not going to discuss the issue with making Last Call gay as punishment because it's not like this guy is all, "Being gay is a punishment for everybody!" He's just all, "Being gay would be a punishment for you and I fucking can't stand you so now you're gay, sir."

Chaplain Action kicks Colonel's ass hard enough to make him understand that he needs to lead New Authority and they need to save the world. So they all buck up and head into Re-Space to re-murder the re-fugees they re-cently re-moved from The Carrier. They descend on the Space Asians who immediately unthink them out of existence. They then re-think up The Authority and they're back to life!

Couldn't they have at least have re-placed Swift with Rush?

How does Jenny Sparks know she missed anything? Does she remember dying? Shouldn't she be overwhelmed by confusion?

The Authority #25 Rating: B-. Hopefully this isn't how The Authority return to their world. It would be a major cop-out when obviously Mark Millar had something planned for his four part story before Frank Quitely quit. Especially since Jenny Quantum survived somewhere on Earth after Midnighter escaped with her and hid her. What would happen if the Spirit of the 20th Century and the Spirit of the 21st Century co-existed?! Plus Jack Hawksmoor was inside Seth's torso and I was really looking forward to Jack kicking Seth's spine out of him from the inside.

The Authority #24 (September 2001)

The Authority. The Monarchy. Now The Establishment? Will next issue introduce The Hall Monitors?

P.S. for the last review: So I read the letters page and it explained why The Authority was delayed from March to August. Frank Quitely quit. He got a better offer and possibly was exhausted from drawing so many decapitations. The new artist chosen to replace Frank Quitely, Arthur Adams, had some shit he had to finish up. And since the story was at a place where a New Authority had just appeared, everybody got the great idea to just throw in a story where they were the main characters. I don't know how anything works but I guess eight months was finally enough time to get the story, "Brave New World", back on track. So that's that story. Here's another one:

After Issue #29, Garth Ennis was meant to take over The Authority. And after that, Brian Azzarello. But it never happened and now those runs of The Authority only exist in Sandman's library. Maybe I'll try to read them in my sleep over the next few months so I can do reviews of them.

This issue begins with New Authority being led in prayer by Pope Ultimate Nick Fury. That's when I, being far less astute than the average comic book reader, realize each member of New Authority are nationals of each of the seven countries in Wildstorm Earth's G7 nations: Colonel from the United Kingdom, Machine from Japan, Streets from the United States of America, my girlfriend Rush from Canada, The Surgeon from France, Teuton from duh, and Last Call from Italy. Last Call is heterosexual, by the way. He mentions his girlfriend every chance he gets. I'm surprised he didn't take the name No Homo.

Machine, you foul temptress! Your ass will not make me forget my girl Machine! I mean Rush!

New Authority uses religion the same way Republicans use it: as camouflage for gullible jerks and/or selfish bastards who know better but appreciate the flimsy appearance of religiosity. I suspect that the reason Conservatives love the term "virtue signaler" so much is that all they do is virtue signal. They pay lip service to patriotism and faith to cloak their actual despicable selves. Knowing that all they do is virtue signal by wearing a cross, saying a prayer, and hanging an American flag in front of their house, they suspect that anybody who actually fucking cares about others and shows any signs of compassion must be doing it, like them, for show. We all know they don't understand comprehension of language so forget thinking they can ever rationally deconstruct anything correctly. It's why they're constantly telling on themselves by accusing others of doing what they do. It's probably because they don't read many books (and by "books", I don't mean self-help shit or get rich quick fuckery or The Bible (although The Bible is well worth the read, especially if you want to understand 95% of all Western Civilization literature (and that's the only reason to read it, really))).

Action Chaplain calls Last Call and Teuton aside to let them know that he's always available to talk about, well, you know.

Since he's so fucking touchy about it, he really should think about changing the name to No Homo.

It turns out it wasn't just Washington, DC, that got hit with the Poverty Ray. Every place else in the world was also hit. But only the top 1% of earners have been turned into poor refugees. New Authority steals food and supplies from humanitarian efforts in starving nations to redirect them to the now starving and poor rich folks. The problem with The Authority was that they wanted to make the world a better place for everybody. New Authority has fixed that and they're ready to make the world a better place for the people who already have everything better. Which, if you're able to comprehend anything at all, means making the world a worse place for those who already have it worse.

Sound familiar, you fucking Trump voting morons? Oh no! Did I call you a moron? I must be an elite! And now I've forced you to dig in and be an even worse person than you already were because I pointed out how terrible and dumb you already are! Although, why do you care if people can't stand you for trying to make the world worse for so Others? Why do you need to be liked by the people you despise? What's wrong with your mental health, my friend? If you want to be liked, there's a really fucking easy way to get that. Don't be an asshole. It's really pretty easy! Hey, I wrote a poem about it! Maybe you can benefit from my amazing poetry!

—————

Clubs
By Grunion Guy

I joined a club called "Fuck You, White Power Bitches"
It was a pretty easy club to join
It didn't cost me anything and I don't have to pay any yearly dues
Sometimes I have to speak up
So that, you know, white power bitches know I think they should go fuck themselves
But that's not too hard
It's even fun most of the time

The interesting thing about this club is that it accepts members from all sorts of other clubs
You can be both a member of the "Republican Club" and "Fuck You, White Power Bitches," if you want
I only mention that because it doesn't seem a lot of people in the "Republican Club" realize it
They seem to have a problem with the uncivil "Fuck You" part of the club title
When they should have a problem with the "White Power" people the club wants to go fuck themselves

I'm also well aware that some people have a problem with the "Bitches" part of the club title
But I'm part of the club "I Like Saying Bitches So I Refuse To Stop Saying It"
Even though it would cost me practically nothing to stop saying the word "bitches"
It's like how in high school in the 80s, I used to use "faggot" as a swear word
(Probably influenced greatly by Mark Knopfler's use of the word by his blue collar, computer animated characters singing "Money For Nothing")
Until one day, I finally realized how fucked up that was and, whether I meant it or not,
I was making the world a worse place by using that word when I could easily just be saying "shit"
Even members of "I Like Saying Bitches So I Refuse To Stop Saying It" are allowed to be a part of "Fuck You, White Power Dickheads"

You know what?
I just decided to stop saying "bitches" because I thought about it for like half a second and realized it still costs me nothing to try and be a better person to my fellow human beings
When you think about it, it actually costs less to stop saying "bitches" than to have to say, "I'm using it in a non-derogatory fashion because language is fluid and shouldn't be a person-sized saddle we've strapped to our own backs but a tool we can rationally and systematically change over time" every single time that somebody within earshot hears it and looks at you horrified
It's much easier to not say it than to get into a debate about free speech with everybody you offend after using it
And pretty soon, you just stop using it which lowers the amount of systemic bias towards women by a small but not inconsequential amount

It's like every time you refer to a large black man as intimidating
You're increasing the systemic bias toward the belief that large black men are dangerous
You're actively making the world a more dangerous place for large black men
No matter how many people you assure that you were just making a dumb joke

You know what's even easier than not saying a hurtful word or continuing a harmful stereotype?
Decrying white power
It's actually much more work to have to explain why you won't extricate yourself from ties to white power every time you wind up publicly embracing some tenet of white power

I suppose I can understand how much you love trolling the Libtards with your 4Chan nonsense
It can be hard to give up things that make you laugh, like making up white power signs and then flashing them constantly
Afterward, you get to laugh at all the libs you owned by making them think you're a white supremacist
Because you acted like a white supremacist in public
Which is so funny because did they think you were serious? How dumb are they?!
Acting like a white supremacist and causing oppressed and under-represented people to feel intimidated by your actions isn't actual white supremacy!
I mean, it's the definition of it, I suppose
But if you think about it at all for any length of time, it was a joke!
Stop being so hurt by casual, jokey racism, you free speech haters
Is probably what you're typing right now on your Reddit board and your Twitter feed

Anyway, I have to get to my "Fuck You, White Power Dickheads" club meeting now
It's not a scheduled meeting, really
It's just me going outside my front door
And making the world a better place for everybody
Fuck you, white power dickheads.

—————

Um, anyway, Colonel is all, "Don't be too quick about figuring out how to return the 1% because they suck and if we're lucky, Seth was turned into a refugee as well." Actually he doesn't say the bit about Seth but he should probably be thinking it. Why not kill Seth now when he's been transformed so they don't have to worry about the G7 eventually sending Seth after them? They can run the fucking world themselves if they take out Seth!

It's about time somebody had the balls to say it!

Remember that old guy, Doctor Jacob Krigstein? He's the Jack Kirby insert but instead of creating comic book heroes, he creates actual heroes (who are comic book heroes to you and me so, well, let's not delve too deeply here. I don't want to have to battle some Derrida-esque Balrog). The Authority hired him so that he'd stop destroying the world but the reader never saw how The Authority utilized him. Whatever he was doing, it's interrupted by his realization that Marvel continues to hold the copyright on all of his characters and continue to use them for their own ends, raking in the money while doing so. Oh, did I say Marvel? I meant the United States of America. He's especially upset by their creation of the New Authority even though he had nothing to do with the original Authority. That was all Henry Bendix, wasn't it? Anyway, Doctor Krigstein is still creating because he's dreamed up seven new characters to kick the shit out of New Authority. I won't scan in the picture because it wouldn't be any use. When they're revealed, they're all in silhouette. One of them is smoking though so maybe a new Jenny Sparks? Two of them aren't fucking though so they may or may not be a new Apollo and a new Midnighter.

Have I mentioned that Teuton cries at the drop of a dead Southeastern Asian (and anything else that can be dropped, apparently)? Last Call can't stand it because he thinks the public will think a man who can show his emotions must be gay and that, by association, they'll think he's gay too. Last Call's really fucking insecure, isn't he? The two of them are in Beverly Hills helping feed the new poorly rich when a bunch of spaceships fly through a Door (a blue door and not a yellow door so not from The Carrier) and begin burning everything in sight. Teuton tears open the cockpit of one to see who's taking advantage of the reverse rich pandemic to attack Earth.

Why not Space Asians?

Oh boy. Looks like dumping the refugees into The Bleed's really coming back to bite New Authority in the ass. Last Call's going to be really uncomfortable about that description of their fucking around and finding out. Hmm, he might not like that description either. If I were Last Call, I would be taking publicity pictures of me licking Teuton's balls based on the amount of money they're being paid to do this gig. They haven't actually said how much it is but even if it's only thirty ground, get those balls in my mouth!

I'm starting to think maybe I just want some balls in my mouth.

Streets and The Surgeon have a brief discussion about the Vietnam War (being that Streets is American and The Surgeon is French) and it's some really good chatter because I know a lot of Americans that would be butthurt by this kind of talk.

Ha ha! Losers.

Growing up in the '70s and '80s, basically in the shadow of the Vietnam War, it was always weird to hear people constantly talk about how America had never lost a war, and how great America was at defending the world, and how little discussion of how imperialist the USA was and how they wielded their power for so many reasons beyond that of "the good of the world" that I couldn't help but be constantly confused. If America was so great and honorable and good, what's up with Vietnam? Why is everybody ignoring this thing that we did and this war that we lost and the terrible fucking atrocities our country gets up to? Was everybody just trying to memory hole it because it actively argued against the United States being the greatest country? The first time I realized there were people out there who weren't confused and who knew what the fuck was what the fuck, I was standing in line at Togo's on Lafayette and Benton in Santa Clara, California. I don't remember the exact book I was reading but it was Kurt Vonnegut. And he was discussing how America had lost the Vietnam War. There was then, as I remember it, a break in the text like this:

* * * * * * * * * * *

Losers.

* * * * * * * * * * *

God how I laughed! It was just such a stark and simply stated version of what everybody constantly seemed to be denying. It's not that people around me didn't mention Vietnam, or sometimes discuss it. My father had fought in Vietnam (although that didn't help me understand it being that he left when I was two and never really talked about it). There were documentaries about it. Obviously while it happened (I was not alive for most of it and a baby when America fled Saigon), it was criticized and protested against and all-around a really fucking bad look for the country. But it seemed as the dust settled, the people who never really thought of it as a bad thing anyway took the stage, swept all the unpleasantness under the rug, and went back to normal "America is the greatest country" bullshit that the weirdest, most uncritical, and worst people of every generation (so, you know, Reaganites) want to be the narrative. Reading Vonnegut just outright take a moment to call the United States of America losers was a saving moment for my sanity. There were people who didn't flee from reality. They spoke the truth of things in simple ways. I kept reading Vonnegut and he rarely disappointed. I've been re-reading him lately and, in the way people who tell the Truth during their time always manage to nail, everything he says remains true or gets even more true with time. He writes with a clarity of vision that makes it impossible for people who label themselves Conservative today to ever actually enjoy his writing. If I ever meet a Conservative who proclaims Kurt Vonnegut is their favorite writer, or Star Trek: The Next Generation is their favorite television show, I'll simply call them a liar and be done with them.

Back to the comic book, Machine realizes the ships attacking Earth are from the area of The Bleed where they dropped off the refugees (a place called "Re-Space". I've just been calling it The Bleed in a general sense because "Re-Space" was fucking stupid and a total throw away "Look at the weird space The Carrier is currently flying!" line.

The Authority #24 Rating: B. It took these idiots long enough to realize that they caused all this. First everybody turns into Southeast Asian refugees and they go, "What caused this?" Then they realize it's the top 1% who have turned into refugees and they're all, "This will help us hide that thing we did to the refugees until we can figure out a good lie to cover our idiocy!" And then Earth is attacked by Southeast Asians in battle ships and they're all, "Weird. Space Asians!" But finally Machine is all, "Oh, those ships are from the same place we dumped the bodies. What a coincidence!" But then Colonel is all, "Oh shit." Seth gonna turn them into Fuck Doll Dessert.

The Authority #23 (August 2001)

New boobs. Who dis?

This issue has a cover date of August 2001 and is written by Tom Peyer. The last issue had a cover date of March 2001 and was written by Mark Millar. This is the first of a four issue story entitled "Transfer of Power." Millar's was the first of a four issue story titled "Brave New World." I don't know what happened between March and August of 2001 but it doesn't feel like this was entirely planned. I surmised that Millar's story, "Brave New World," was going to be delayed while this story, "Transfer of Power," gets told in a way reminiscent of The Book of A Thousand Nights and a Night but I didn't expect a four month delay between the stories. Was Millar suddenly not available for seven or eight months and couldn't finish his story so Tom Peyer had to step in to write a little tale about the new Authority? How long is the sentence for decapitating somebody in a bar brawl?

I have a vague, nagging memory of this delay in the series and my own confusion about the story arcs. I don't read comic books month to month anymore because I'm 53 years old and my brain can't be bothered to remember the details of a story that's told 20 pages at a time in 30 day increments. Hell, I had trouble back when I was 30 and reading this! It's basically why I stopped reading comic books the first time (before I restarted by reading every issue of The New 52 for this blog (which was started so that I could refresh my memory by reading my synopsis of the previous issue the month before)). Imagine reading the first issue of a four part story and then four months later, a new issue of the comic book comes out but it doesn't continue the story you had forgotten you'd been reading. And to top it all off, you've suddenly got a new Authority! The only reason I'd say I wasn't totally confused is that I was a thirty year old white super-duper heterosexual man (super-duper meaning my penis was constantly hungover from pussy sex) and I had just read the first appearance of the Hillbilly Assassin, the most shocking character to ever be written as a character expected to shock people, and I was certainly jonesing to read more about him. Then this shit came out and it didn't have the most homophobic, incestuous, rapey, inbred, racist, misogynist character to ever be written since Aquaman? You better believe I was all, "Dude! Dude? DUDE!"

From Page One, you can tell Millar's not writing this. And not just because the credits say written by Tom Peyer!

After Warren Ellis and Mark Millar wrote the crap on a stick out of this book, you'd never expect to read characters saying, "Crap on a stick." That's like a baby version of Ellis and Millar! Ellis would probably have had these characters saying, "Cigarettes! In a well-satisfied vagina!" And Millar would have been all, "Bloody diarrhea! In a dead whore's cunt!" Crap on a stick?! Who allowed these candy-ass virgins to be the new Authority?! This is fucking disgusting! I hope the Hillbilly Assassin gets them next!

What New Apollo and New Doctor are crapping on a stick about is a room on The Carrier full of dead and injured Southeast Asian refugees that everybody forgot about after The Carrier crashed. Too bad they found this room before the orgy room full of dead and injured hot naked people.

Man. Imagine crashing to your death with your penis inside a warm vagina or butthole? Hell, imagine your penis inside a warm vagina or butthole without the crashing part? Some people are so lucky.

One of the refugees startles New Midnighter.

I know Millar didn't write this but I can't stop the Decapitation Count while decapitations are still happening! Decapitation Count: 12!

Does screaming "Last Call!" when you punch a guy in the neck so hard his head pops off make sense? Would anything you could yell at that moment make any sense? "YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME BUT YOU CAN'T STAY HERE!"

The most useless member of New Authority is named Rush. I'm not sure why the G7 nations who created the New Authority to do their economic bidding would recreate Swift. She's so useless! Maybe they only did it because Swift was a nymphomaniac who loves fucking teenage boys who can't satisfy her. But the old men running the G7 probably designed Rush to love fucking old men who ejaculate gray powder so slowly you'd think the limpest, most deformed bean bag had sprung a small leak. She is really cute and her first words in this comic are about how she loves flying The Carrier so much that she could cream. That makes me think dirty thoughts even if it also makes me thinking of Grease and now I want to fuck a Maraschino cherry for some reason.

I solved the mystery of why she's so adorable and sexy at the same time: the overalls!

I love a woman in overalls! Especially when they aren't wearing a shirt underneath and you get to see loads of side boob and cleavage! I failed Biology in college because a girl used to sit next to me who loved to wear overalls. I think that's a true story. At the very least, it's a true excuse.

New Jenny Sparks is some neo-Nazi British punk. Pretty sure he got the job because he's got the accent and loves to smoke and says "arse" instead of "ass". He also probably puts his ending punctuation outside of the quotes like I do even though I'm not British. I'm just logical. Although I think the Union Jack leather jacket is a bit over-the-top. His name is Colonel. Possibly Colonel Noun but the "noun" hasn't been mentioned yet.

New Apollo's name is Teuton which disturbs me for Hitlerian reasons. But never mind why he's called that because look at how adorable and hot Rush is being now!

This is just before Colonel throws melted metal into her eyeball.

Don't worry! Rush's eye is fine! She has super powers, remember?

New Doctor calls himself Surgeon; New Jack Hawksmoor calls himself Street; New Engineer calls herself Machine. They're the least imaginative people to have this job since the last batch who were killed by a rancid hillbilly. That doesn't mean the last group were unimaginative! It just means they're the only other Authority I can compare the imaginations of this Authority with and this Authority's imagination is so, so much worse. Remember, the previous Authority had members called "The Engineer" and "The Doctor". Pretty sad.

Oh shit. New Midnighter's name is Last Call. So he just screams out his own name when he kills people, like a homicidal Pokemon?

The New Authority dump the refugees (dead and living) into The Bleed because they don't want to have to do any paperwork or discuss problems with the G7 leaders. Also it's an easy way to establish that they're assholes who don't actually care about helping people. They're simply being paid to do whatever the leaders of the seven wealthiest nations tell them to do.

Whoops!

Meanwhile in Washington, DC, a meeting of the President and all the G7 leaders is interrupted by a reality warping explosion that turns them all into refugees themselves. Coincidence or does this have to do with the area of The Bleed the refugees were dumped in, a dimension called "Respace"? Who cares? I hope Rush wears even less clothing next issue!

The Authority #23 Rating: B. Not a lot happened and it's weird to start a new story in the middle of Millar's other story. But I love Elseworlds stories and this has the same kind of vibe (vibe used as it has always been used and not how the new kids use it!). My tummy feels funny when I read this because it can't handle not giving a shit about Swift and now being totally enamored by Rush. What is this strange feeling I haven't felt since that time that girl with the big boobs threw herself across my back and just leaned on me at the ice rink when I was like fourteen?

Convergence: The Atom #2

I said everything I had to say about Steve Dillon's artwork last commentary.

Last issue ended with Ray Palmer surprised to find that Ryan Choi has been living inside of his hand for the last year. That has to be sort of embarrassing, right? Hopefully he couldn't see out somehow and just thought Ray Palmer went on the lake in his rowboat a lot. Especially in the morning right after he woke up. Or in the shower. Or in a public bathroom stall in the middle of the day after seeing some nipples poking out of a particularly lovely sweater.

During that year, Ryan was able to communicate with Ray in such a way that Ray thought he was going crazy. Apparently Ryan was able to say everything except "Hello, Ray! This is Ryan Choi! I seem to be lodged in your right hand! Could you please masturbate with your left one until we can puzzle out this dilemma?"

Ray and Ryan don't have much time to figure out how this insanity happened because Ray's foe, Barracuda, isn't as dead or knocked out as he seemed to be at the end of last issue. Barracuda is back up on his flippity floppity feet and trying to kill Ray.

No, I'm looking through you and Ray finds you intangible. You are, indeed, a ghost, sir.

Ryan says that when he was murdered, he made a connection to "that other place." Ray guesses Ryan means heaven but Ryan says, "Ray. Physics." I don't know what that means! Does Ryan mean he's in the Anti-Matter Universe and the portal is in the palm of Ray Palmer's hand? See? Palmer? It's a clue!

Ryan only needs a tiny of a fraction of his brain power to beat up Barracuda, so while he does that, he's also thinking about Ryan's riddle.

I guess it's not the Anti-Matter Universe so much as the Extra-Matter Universe.

Ray decides that Ryan deserves a chance to live again. Ryan is all, "No! No! I've enjoyed living my life in the shadow of a white man!" And Ray is all, "No! I will not be a party to this injustice! I've been so gross and problematic this last year! You will be more than just an extension of me! You will be more than my right hand Asian sidekick!" Ray then tells Ryan to get ready because he's about to have a body!

Whoops! Ryan has been living in the other hand! You should have told him the plan was to get inside the hand he hasn't been getting into for the last year! Idiot!

Hopefully Ryan can reform Ray's hand into the shape of a man because life is going to be really awkward as a disembodied hand.

Ryan can and does! It's impressive! No, wait. I meant it's gross and disgusting. Ray's thumb becomes Ryan's head! I hope Deathstroke kills him again because I'll never be able to take Ryan Choi seriously. Ray probably used him to wipe his ass! Ryan's head has probably been inside Jean Loring's asshole!

What's wrong with being a cynic?!

Ryan enters one of Barracuda's pores and does something medical to him so that he can't polish his trident anymore. That's enough for the Atoms to declare victory and be teleported back to Gotham where their real opponent awaits: Deathstroke!

Ray wakes up in the hospital to find there's been no sign of Ryan Choi. But his hand is still missing which means that Ryan is still out there somewhere! Unless it was all a psychotic delusion and Ray sacrificed his hand for a hallucination. Although that's just what Tom Peyer wants us readers to think, the tricksy devil! Ryan has probably been down at the YMCA showering nonstop trying to get the smell of Ray's cock and balls off of himself.

Later, Deathstroke decides sneaking into a hospital room and murdering Ray Palmer in a backless gown is the fairest fight he'd like to get into at his age.

Get it?! Unarmed man?! Ha ha! Good one, Ray!

Ryan hops out of Ray's Shrinking Belt because he was lying in wait all this time! He knew Deathstroke would try to kill Ray! Somehow! Probably because he read the script beforehand. Hee hee. Before"hand"!

Speaking of hands, Ryan uses his new control over the Extra-Matter Universe to redistribute some of Deathstroke's mass to Ray Palmer. Ray gets his hand back and Deathstroke becomes...well, probably the biggest laughingstock at the Mercenary Ball.

His cock is going to look huuuuuuuge!

I suppose Deathstroke is placed in Arkham Asylum after this encounter because he's probably insane now and he probably has a new, wackier name like Tiny-Hand-Stroke. Ryan and Ray go off to start a Chuck E. Cheese. And that's it!

Convergence: The Atom #2 Rating: Surprise! Ryan Choi is alive again! Of course he's alive in a universe that no longer exists, so does it really matter? I still think seven of the worlds in this tournament are going to be moved to the seven question mark planets in The Multiversity Guidebook. So DC will once more have the Pre-crisis universe of Earths One and Two, the Post Zero Hour Universe, and the Pre-Flashpoint Universe. That leaves three extra worlds plus Telos. Maybe they'll save those for the next crisis that kills The New 52.

Divergence: Green Lantern
"'Renegade'! Beginning a new chapter in Hal Jordan's life as he becomes the universe's most wanted outlaw."

Just because Hal beat the shit out of Kilowog and stole one of the most powerful weapons in the universe, he's got to be labeled a bad guy? That doesn't seem cool. I suppose I'm going to have to buy into the conceit that Hal has turned himself into a martyr to preserve the Green Lantern Corps dignity and the respect the rest of the universe has for them. Or once had for them. Or will once again have had again.

That space cop from a recent Green Lantern, the one that totally disrespected Hal, has found Hal loitering in the orbit of his planet once again. This time he's bound to teach Hal a lesson and arrest him. He'll be a huge big shot in at least one, maybe two billionths of a sector. Hal turns it around on the guy and kidnaps him to Hal's ship, the Darlene. I bet he was a huge fan of Roseanne.

Be here next month for Green Lantern: Wiseguy!

Hal dumps the Chief in space and takes off. But he does leave the Chief with a beacon and a space suit so he can be rescued as soon as Hal is out of the Sector. And then Hal is off to continue his undercover work across the universe in his spaceship named Darlene! Yeee-haw!

Convergence: The Atom #1

"You had an Atom on you but I killed it."

As I picked this comic book up to scan it, I got my first real look at it and thought, "Ugh. Steve Dillon!" Then I checked the artists and didn't see Dillon and thought, "Oh, guess not." But then I pulled the comic out of the scanner to get a good look at it and saw Steve's name under the hand. I'm glad he's just the cover artist!

My guess when they began casting for AMC's Preacher was that they were going to match actors with Glen Fabry's covers. If they went by Dillon's art, they could just hire a bunch of clones and put different wigs on them. But then I decided to do a search to see if they've cast anybody yet and found that they have cast Jesse Custer and Tulip O'Hare.

Elizabeth Perkins has the exact shape of the one face Steve Dillon can draw!

Compare Elizabeth Perkins to the shape of the face on the cover of The Atom! Flatten the bottom of Perkins' chin a bit and they're nearly identical! Then when I saw a picture of Dominic Cooper, my mind was blown!

It's like I'm reading the comic book all over again!

My biggest regret when I'm on my death bed will probably be how there won't be enough time to list all of my regrets. All those people who die with the words, "I have no regrets!", on their lips are lying, soon-to-be-dead assholes! Even if I only had a few regrets to mention before death, nobody would be able to understand them through my incessant scream-weeping.

This is my last issue of the first week of Convergence! Soon I'll be able to read about the next Multiversal Thunderdome Match-up! Then I can grow steadily more and more bored with that one!

According to some nobody on the streets of Gotham during Speed Force #1, The Atom has gone crazy. Probably because he couldn't impress the ladies with that trick he does with his penis and his growing powers.

The issue begins with some kids trapped in a collapsed warehouse and The Atom arriving on the scene to save them.

They're less than thrilled about it.

The kids hope The Atom can help by going to get somebody who can help. But The Atom has a trick up his sleeve! Or in his glove! Not in his pants, asshole! He seems to have retained the power to make his hand grow! He digs the kids out with his elephant masturbating hand and then creeps them all out by trying to touch them with it. They take off while The Atom continues to speak with a voice in his head. Since this is the Ray Palmer Atom and I know Ryan Choi is supposed to be in this too, my guess is Ryan Choi is stuck as a teeny, tiny person inside Ray's brain. As for why just his hand grows? I don't know. I'm sure it's symbolic of some issue. Probably an onanistic issue. Not the real definition of "onanistic" which is pulling out during sexual intercourse which I'm surprised is in the dictionary judging by the way people have come to use it to mean having to do with masturbation which is the second dictionary definition and the way I just used it! Thanks, dogma, for making shit up that isn't actually in The Bible but which everybody now believes. Ignorant fucking priests just trying to control everybody through lies and misrepresentations of The Bible's text.

After rescuing the kids, Ray Palmer jumps in front of a news microphone to remind everybody that Slade Wilson is a dick. Slade Wilson just happens to be at home watching the local news which really causes me to lose respect for him. Watching the local news is the worst sin he's every committed.

Slade Wilson in his "disguise."

Wilson throws on his old costume so that people on the street will recognize him and stay clear as opposed to how he's pretty sure that out of his costume with his shaved head, they don't recognize him at all even though they all stay clear of him anyway. He hunts down The Atom and tries to blow him up. I bet Slade Wilson has a heart attack during this fight. Isn't he just an old man without his regeneration?

The Atom's imminent death is interrupted by Planet Brainiac's poem about how there can be only one city. And then The Atom is teleported out of the city to face Barracuda, one of the Extremists. I guess the editors at DC didn't really care how each writer got their chosen hero into battle with their chosen antagonist because the story reasons have been all over the place. Some were chosen. Some just happened to be attacked. Some have been transferred to a different location to fight. Some have just blundered into battle. At least according to Batgirl and Harley Quinn, lists of champions were provided to the city. I bet more of the process will be explained in the weekly Convergence title.

The Atom takes a moment before getting swept up into battle to see if Barracuda wants to join forces to take on Planet Brainiac. But since Barracuda is a bad guy, and a stupid one at that being that he's one of The Extremists (they aren't very smart, for the most part), he'd rather just kill The Atom. After that, he can just sit back and wait for the rest of The Extremists to win their battles.

Ray Palmer defeats his villain before the second issue even begins! I bet because the real battle will be with Deathstroke! Also, he's got to spend a lot of time finding out why Ryan Choi was living inside of his hand all of this time.

Ryan must have felt really awkward when Ray would masturbate.

Convergence: The Atom #1 Rating: Just because The Atom's hand can enlarge, why does it automatically make me think about masturbation? I might have a problem! I think you know when you've matured and become a real adult when you're not constantly snickering about masturbation. Not that I don't think masturbation isn't a serious subject! Masturbation itself isn't funny. It's an activity that everybody should engage in. If you want to please your future life partner (not to mention the dozens of sexual partners you'll have before you find your future partner), you really should know what pleases you. That advice might be more towards women since strong breezes will please most men. Some people think that masturbating steals your chi and destroys your creative energies. But I think masturbation clears your mind! Do it in the morning and you'll have several free hours where you won't be constantly thinking about sex. Unless a super hot person bends over in front of you while in the office or while getting your morning coffee. Then, of course, you'll have to go masturbate surreptitiously in a public bathroom. Just to, you know, get your mind right again.

It's after a summary like that when I get the most people asking me what I really thought of the comic book. But the thing is, you don't really care what I think about any of these comic books. What does my opinion matter? I'm just a big dope that spends an inordinate amount of time reading funny books that I barely even care about! My opinion is worthless! Better I just talk about self-pleasure.

The Superior Foes of Spider-Man #11

Marvel just killed this one for me by raising the price to $3.99!

My comic book store has the subscription boxes up against the inside of the front wall of the store. So if I figure out exactly where my box is by wearing coveralls and going in with a tape measure pretending that the store has a wonky thingawhatchit, I can cut a subscription box sized rectangle in the front wall and pull my comics out for free! Then I'll replace the bit of mortar and brick and sheet rock so that nobody can tell anything was different. All the clerks at my comic book store will just assume that I've been buying my comics when a different clerk is in! It sounds like the kind of crime The Sinister Six would pull off!

Oh. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Maybe it's a bad idea. I think I'll just keep paying for my comics with my 25% discount while thinking up another scam to pay for the other 75% of the cover prices.

This issue is yet another issue that tells a few separate stories. I guess these are filler issues, right? Eventually the main writer, Nick Whateverhisnamewas, will return to finish the story about roommates Shocker and Mob-boss head. Also the story about the bus full of kids that Overdrive stole. Also some other stuff that involved Tombstone and Chameleon and that other guy.

Until then, I'll enjoy this story about Super Villains Anonymous! When you see somebody else on the street and recognize them from an SVA meeting, what do you say to them? In Alcoholics Anonymous, you'd say, "Aren't you a friend of Bill's?" In the SVA, do you say, "Aren't you a friend of DOOOOOOM'S?" You really have to scream the "DOOM" part!

The first share is by Grizzly who is now my favorite super villain until the next one shares.

I first read the ambush line as "luring drunks into bushes." And then he finished the story and it might as well have been.

Apparently Grizzly plays "Teddy Bear's Picnic" to lure the drunks into his dark alley. And now I've got that fucking song stuck in my head! "If you go down to the woods today, you're in for a big surprise! If you go down to the woods today, you're gonna be sodomized! Cause every bear that ever there was is drunk and horny and totally buzzed cause today is the day that's the day of the day that the Teddy Bear's have their picnic!" Or something. I think I got most of it right.

Also, if you ever hear that song, you should never try to find out where it's coming from. It's right there in the lyrics even if you get the lyrics right! Don't fucking go down into the woods when this fucking picnic music is going on!

Fuck! Now I also have the horror that is the movie Grizzly Man stuck in my head as well! Fucking bears ruin everything! I was in a good mood up until now! Now I'm just thinking about how I don't want my last moments on Earth recorded for Werner Herzog to listen to while on camera!

Back to reading comic books so I can forget about my mortality, Grizzly was not just down and out because he had no money; he had no friends either. So he was mugging drunks and then keeping them tied up in the alley while he went out to pick up some pizza. Then he'd eat it with the mark and have a little conversation.

I know some sayings get skewed over time and most people don't know the original saying, so I asked Lord Google about the "whole nine yams" to see if, no matter how ridiculous it sounds, it was the actual saying. Lord Google asked me, "Did you mean: whole nine yarns". Fuck you, Lord Google!

Grizzly winds up bearing his soul to this guy. He admits that he's wound up in an alley ambushing lone drunks because Spider-Man has become too scary. Apparently he's not jokey Peter Parker any more. How would I know? I don't read Spider-Man! I just like reading about his nemeses! Didn't Doc Ock wind up in Peter's brain or something? Whatever. Grizzly is afraid that Spider-Man is going to kill him now instead of just saying a bunch of stupid puns like "I bearly caught you this time, Grizzly!" or "You bruined my night, Grizzly!" or "Did you hear the one about Gentle Ben and his...OH GOD UNCLE BEN I MISS YOU SO MUCH!"

Grizzly's story ends with Spider-Man kicking his ass.

The next guy to share is The Superior Looter! I think his name is usually just Looter which is dumb but not quite as dumb as The Superior Looter. His story is all about trying to move up in the world of thugs but Spider-Man kept stopping him with really bad jokes. I'm sure Spider-Man's jokes are usually much better. But when the guy whose ass Spider-Man kicked is retelling the story, the good jokes aren't going to be retold. It's all bullshit puns that make no sense for Spider-Man in these stories.

So The Looter trained and improved himself. He designed a better costume and became more charming and practiced his diction. Pretty soon he was ready to face New York again! I don't know where he was before since Marvel has no other locales. Some place called "Missourah" which I think is a suburb of New York City. The Looter got a team together and was ready to show Spider-Man what he'd become! He was ready to show all the criminals that he could rule them all and make a nice profit doing so!

Spider-Man has become an asshole! Does J. Jonah Jameson finally think he's a real hero? Or is he just happy that everybody finally believes him when he says Spider-Man is a threat to this town?

That's it. The Looter points out that Spider-Man isn't really the problem. The problem is that they're all addicted to committing crime. And they really need to get help with their addiction because the super heroes of the city just keep getting more and more violent. It was one thing to commit petty crimes when you knew Spider-Man would be the one to find you, tell a few jokes, and sling some velvety soft webs at you. But now you might as well be committing homicide if Spider-Man is going to come at you like he's Wolverine or The Punisher!

Maybe next month, The Sinister Six will return! For that whole stupid one dollar extra! And Marvel still only gives you 20 pages (plus one recap page) for four dollars! At least (the very fucking least actually) DC gives you two extra pages and glossy covers that smell delightful and feel sensuous.