Deathstork #16

I am not Shooping this cover so just pretend it reads "Deathstork".

The Review!
Deathstork has gone blind so now his name is Twilight and he kills people with the help of his guide sidekick, Roscoe. Currently he's battling a guy named Deadline so if you had "Eventually somebody will come up with a stupider name than Deadpool" on your superhero pool at work, you still haven't won anything. Let's face it. Deadpool is a dumb name derived from Deathstork. At least Deadline makes it sound like "Oh! I've taken out a contract to kill a person so now that person's life is running on a deadline! And that deadline is my gun! KERPOW!" I guess Deadpool is called Deadpool because there was that Clint Eastwood film a few years earlier and it was probably on television when Rob Liefeld was thinking, "What should I give the name of my Marvel version of Deathstork?"

Although Deadline might beat out Deadpool for stupidest idea ever because Deadpool eventually found a niche in the superhero world that made him popular and Deadline has a weapon called an Infinity Rifle. It uses alien isotopes to create static disruptive shells around its targets. That sounds cool!

The new Power Girl has a fake boob window and it's making me angry. She also has an illusory underboob awning! That's making me less angry and more the other thing. You know, the emotion that powers the Violet Lanterns except more sexy.

Well, now she has a belly window!

See what kind of damage the Infinity Rifle does? Pretty awesome, right?! It could probably kill Superman. Why didn't Lex Luthor think up this weapon?

In the B-story line, Rose finds out that her Hmong family are all actors paid for by Slade. She finds out from Etienne, the woman Joseph is about to kill. I mean marry. He's already fucked her. Also I think he probably will kill her after marrying her when he finds out she's been fucking his father. That story doesn't have any blood in it yet so let's go back to the story where Deadline is about to get his hand cut off and then mauled by Roscoe.

Deadline has all sorts of special powers which he received from his encounter with an alien race. I bet it was just government agents in stupid costumes fucking with him. He also explains his moniker. If he doesn't kill a person by the guaranteed deadline, the kill is free. So why didn't he call himself Domino's?

Deadline's alien tech allows him to phase through solid objects. He likes to kill people by phasing a hand into their chest and going solid. Although that probably hurts his hand too so he usually just relies on the Infinity Rifle. As you saw, that makes a pretty good mess of even people with invulnerability.

Do you think Power Girl is actually dead? It would be interesting if DC allowed her to die in this series. It's not like she was being interesting in any other comic book, even the ones she was appearing in.

Darn it. She's still alive.

The Ranking!
No change! I wasn't paying particularly close attention to this issue. That'll happen, life being what it is.

Deathstroke Annual #2

Oh! I know! The Balkan is The Jackal, right! But then who is The Jackal???? That's an even more mysterious question which is why it needed four question marks.

The Review!
This is a Deathstork story perfect for a Deathstork annual! It has an ambiguous message at the end that maybe people who hate meaning will like! Will Adi become a monster or a hero of his people? Slade calls him a monster so maybe it's not as ambiguous as I thought. I suppose he Adi becomes a monster of his people. It's a decent, single issue story that forgoes the ridiculousness of the regular title. Deathstork is played much more serious here which probably means I shouldn't be calling him Deathstork. Also, I think Bonny actually means to be playing Deathstork seriously in the regular issues but it always makes me laugh so I'm not sure. Also, I don't think it's supposed to make me laugh.

The Commentary!
This is one of those stories which waits until the story is over to give you the title of the story. Usually that means the title is a huge spoiler. Or maybe the writer just thought it would mean more if placed after the story was told, and the reader would read it and nod stoically at how the title punctuated the story nicely. But I want to know what the title is right now so I'm going to cheat and look! The title is "The Balkan"! Oh! That's nice! Or, um, is it? The cover has me wondering who The Balkan is. But a few pages into the comic book and Deathstroke has already murdered a few people without mention of any Balkan. He just keeps repeating that he's entered Rhapanamanastan to do a job. Does the title at the end mean the identity of The Balkan is going to wind up being some kind of twist? It seems like a fairly mundane title to stick on the end of the story. Probably means Deathstroke is the Balkan.

It turns out Deathstroke hasn't gotten the job yet when he killed the first few people! That was just a test so that he could learn about the job to kill the Balkan! The Balkan himself (meaning Deathstroke!) is a mercenary who killed some Opium Lord's son and now that Opium Lord wants revenge on the hired killer and the clan who hired him. That's where Deathstroke comes in! He's a hired killer too! Just like the Balkan! I mean himself! Or soemthing!

And so the hired killers (or killer, WINK WINK!) set to work killing the various members of the other tribes and making scads of money doing it. I guess Deathstroke's plan to stop heroin is to ruin the local economy and/or murder everybody. Seems like a sound plan.

See? The Balkan saved the life of Deathstroke's Rhapanamanastan sidekick! That's a clue! And by clue, I mean dead giveaway!

Deathstroke seems to be testing his sidekick Adi to make sure Adi isn't a despotic killer. He's also paying Adi a fortune for letting Slade stay in his secret hideaway. I suppose Slade is grooming him to be the next leader of the region. But he has to make sure he's compassionate and trustworthy first!

Slade is almost killed by a third party smelling money and land and power but Adi saves him by distracting the last assassin with a bullet. Deathstroke kills the assassin with one of the Balkan's spears before passing out. And now Adi knows his secret.

Before killing the leader of the Wudesh Clan, Deathstroke engages in a little villainous monologue.

You know Slade's a villain because he can't help explaining his plan.

Before heading off to finish the leader of the Wudesh Clan, Slade sent Adi home to his parents' farm outside the city with a fortune in gold. But on the way, the bus is stopped by bandits. Adi runs off with his gun. Since the Balkan twist was revealed so early, I imagine Adi probably plans to become The Balkan and fight the people who would make his country suffer.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #2

Okay but seriously, this issue is going to be called "Gorilla Warfare," right?!

I spent all day setting up a new laptop. Most of that involved networking it with my old laptop and transferring my iTunes library. The other major hurdle was digging up the installation disks of all the ancient programs I use in making my fantastic web presence known. I still use Microsoft Frontpage 2000 but mostly because it's like an HTML Notepad. It doesn't force a lot of stupid code into every new document you open and you can just barebones program the ass-fucking fuck out your page in much the same way that that cowboy webpaged up that other cowboy in that movie I never saw that was about quitting smoking. I also use Corel Photo-paint because I've been working on Dwarflover, a web comic, off and on for the last fifteen years. Since it's a collage comic, all of my regularly featured characters and their multiple body parts for ease of making action packed panels exist as Corel Photo-paint files. Plus I use so few features on these old programs that it's easier to tear my house apart to find the installation disks than to learn an updated program. Although I hate updated programs because I'm always getting buried in all the bells and whistles. When people say you can't teach an old dog new tricks, they're right even if they're right in the wrong way. Old dogs don't learn new tricks because fuck you and your stupid tricks. I'm enjoying not acting like a fool and jumping through your Goddamned hoops just fine, assholes.

So now I'm going to open this comic book and read "Gorilla Warfare!" by Marv "Can't Imagine Why I Haven't Retired Yet" Wolfman!

You know what? That's not fair to Marv. I think it's about time I come clean and tell everybody why I seem so biased toward Marv's writing in The New 52. It's because I am. That motherfucker lied right to my face at an Elfquest panel at Comicon fifteen years ago and said that the Elfquest movie was in motion and would be in theaters in just a few years! How dare you destroy all of my young hopes and dreams?! You, Marv Wolfman, are the reason my wonder died of starvation and my innocence was flushed down the toilet! I'm not surprised all of your comic book plots involve rape of some kind seeing as what you did to my tender, young, optimistic past self!

This issue also doesn't have a title. That's weird enough for me to rest my Sherlock Holmesian case and say Marv did name it "Gorilla Warfare" but the editors thought better of it and just left the story without a title.

But before we can get to the gorillas, Superman and Supergirl need to defeat all of the Phantom Zone criminals who don't understand that Jor-el saved their fucking lives. How about trying this next time you get the chance to escape the Zone, guys? Shake Superman's hand. Thank him profusely. Walk out of the Phantom Zone. Put on a pair of glasses. Get a job at the Daily Planet.

Is there a particular reason Kryptonians in the Phantom Zone are so strong? Was this in the era where anybody from Kryptonian was a super-person the instant they left Krypton's suck-ass heavy gravity and horrible chemical pollutants and debilitating bovine growth hormone?

Meanwhile in New York, Kamandi watches an army of talking gorillas battle an uppity talking humanoid rhino. Those guys are always sticking their noses into other animal's business! Don't hate me for that joke! Also don't point out that a Rhino's horn isn't a nose or anything like a nose because it's actually hair coated in semen.

Lucius manages to reopen the portal to the Phantom Zone and Supergirl and Superman escape after some minor drama.

This new laptop is so beautiful and powerful that I really should be using it to play games and not writing about comic books. I'm practically ignoring its sexy sleek design for something that costs five hundred times less than it! Or something. I'm not a mathematician! At least not anymore. Taking Calculus in high school as college prep and then having to take it yet again my first year of college as a math prerequisite for the computer engineering degree I abandoned for literature helped me realize that I never really cared how much water a dam could hold. Derivate this, assholes!

Lucius is the exact opposite of me! He knows so many math equations that his brain doesn't have room for trite and boring cliches.

The fire that Lucius is trying to describe is a city full of apes armed with automatic rifles. That looks like a job for Superman! Or The Flash.

Superman meets Kamandi who acts like a total fanboy. Superman is all, "I know, I know. Pretty fucking amazing, aren't I?" Supergirl meets General Symian and the reaction is a little bit worse. She punches an ape in the face and doesn't seem to have any qualms about it. I guess once an animal starts speaking, it becomes fair game for abuse from humans. But just think if the city were invaded by talking humanoid kittens and baby goats? Who would come to the rescue then?! Some asshole that loves punching cute things, I guess! Batman?

The apes blow up a building (probably a famous one that New Yorkers jerk off over constantly while they point out how stupid people from Chicago sound) so that they can get away while Superman acts like Superman and rescues people in trouble. He knows that he can deal with the damn, actually quite hygienic ape after the humans are safe. Plus he's met his new friend Kamandi who knows a lot about where General Symian likes to hang out, like the pond at Central Park or the dark theater just off of Times Square with the glory holes that look just like gaping ape sphincters. Probably because they are.

That first ape was talking real sexy before General Symian had to get all kill crazy.

General Symian captures Superman and chains him to a nuclear missile because he's obviously been reading too many of Kamandi's "ancient texts." Just murder him, you stupid ape! Oh wait. He's Superman. How do you murder Superman? I guess you could try strapping him to a...oh! I get it now! Keep up the good work, General! You are using Kryptonite for those chains, right? Otherwise...well, you know.

Guess what happens?! The otherwise! Superman easily breaks out of the chains and then flies the nuclear missile up into the sky while Supergirl rescues Kamandi. Supergirl's other job is to punch more monkeys.

That sounds like it would make a fun board game. Is this an acceptable trademark of Punch More Monkeys? I will sue your ass if you steal my idea for a game!

Supergirl just throws one punch to defeat the monkeys which is anti-climactic. That's how most of my loads and loads of Canadian and Summer Camp ex-girlfriends described me! Anti-climactic!

Kamandi is all, "Well, I guess you won and I'm going to stop existing soon. I'm going to go spend the last few seconds of everything with my friends." And Superman is all, "Great! Nice to meet you! Take care!" Then the earthquake hits and the story claims to be continued in Convergence #6. Which I guess it kind of was. Sort of.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #2 Rating: This issue wasn't bad. I was hoping for a really touching moment between Kal and Kara since Kara knows she's going to be dead soon (or at least truly believes it). Instead she just hides her feelings about it and tells Superman that she's just really worried about him. Could you worry any more about something with next to no chance of it happening?! He's Superman! Unless Lex Luthor straps on a kryptonite condom and buggers Superman in the K-hole (we would also have accepted the euphemism, "Fortress of Solitude"), he pretty much can't die. Anyway, this issue rates Six and a Half Headbands out of Ten.

Divergence: Martian Manhunter
"J'onn J'onzz always said he was the last of his kind. He lied. When Mars launches a full-scale invasion of Earth, the Manhunter will have to decide where his loyalties lie."

Please! We all know where J'onn's loyalties lie! Can Martians make Oreos? No? Well then! Kill the fuck out of those bastards!

NASA has lost contact with a man-and-womanned mission to the moon so the woman in charge, Helen Demoff, called in Martian Manhunter to check it out. She's all, "We need to study him because he's an alien that doesn't look human so can we really trust him? I mean, he's green! Plus, did you check out the Abs-Window on that uniform? GOOSH!" She also makes sure to explain his powers since most people that aren't huge DC Comics fans have just read the title of this Sneak Peek and went, "Who? What the fuck is a J'onn J'onzz?"

J'onn mentions, just before finding three dead astronauts torn apart by a white martian, that he experiences past memories constantly due to his psychic connection to everything. So he basically hallucinates as he walks around the surface of the moon. He also mentions how if the humans knew how harrowing his every day experience was due to being so closely tied to the trauma of his past, they would fear him even more than they already do. And then the white martian shows up and it says J'onn's name and I think it calls itself Epiphany and then it heads to Earth to cause trouble.

J'onn reports back to NASA and is all, "Yeah, um, the screen door on the lunar lander failed. Repeat. Screen door failed. All dead. No martian murderers up here. Also I'm pretty sure I wasn't hallucinating and that I didn't accidentally kill the astronauts although who can really say being that my experience of reality is kind of fucked up." And Helen Demoff is all, "Um, thanks for your help!" And Helen's assistant mutters under his breath, "Should have called Superman."

I think Martian Manhunter's series is going to be the Memento of comic books this year. Look to be confused by it when it hits the stands next month!

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #1

Supergirl is so lucky she got domed.

This convergence bullshit doesn't make any sense. If Supergirl was domed before Crisis on Infinite Earths, how did she die during Crisis on Infinite Earths? DC Comics! I demand you provide readers with Return To Infinite Crisis On Infinite Earths One Final Time Hour and fix this bullshit! I'm so sick of your universe not making any sense! How am I supposed to figure out which super hero can win in a fight against another super hero if your continuity is all fucked up?! The most important thing in my life is being able to logically explain how Blue Beetle can kick Ambush Bug's ass through the transitive property! How can I do that if I can't make sense of your universe?! I'm so confused! I'm off to read Marvel.

*disappears for fifteen minutes*

Holy shit. Um, I'm sorry, DC. Your universe is just fine the way it is.

This issue begins with Marv Wolfman writing it so it already has three strikes against it. And there were already two outs. And the ballgame had been over for a week already anyway.

Supergirl and Superman are hanging out with Lucius Fox in the Batcave.

The city has limited supplies of everything but Batman is still able to finagle extra parts for backup. I bet he's hoarding all of the morphine and sour candy too.

Pre-Crisis Gotham City is just full of the best superheroes! Batman. The Flash. Superman. Supergirl. Those other ones. So many!

Lucius has developed a helmet that I can't explain very well. Lucius is trying to build a Phantom Zone Projector but he doesn't know how. But since Supergirl saw the Projector when she was little, she should retain memories about how it was built because that makes no sense but this is a comic book so just go with it, asshole. While Supergirl wears the helmet, she watches Lucius place random parts beside each other. When two parts come together that were part of the projector, the lights on the helmet glow green. When he places two parts that don't go together near each other, the helmet glows red. So basically the helmet will be red for the next twenty years as he jams random pieces of technology together.

Is it really universal? You'd think at least one race in the universe would realize that red and green are stupid colors to use to indicate yes and no due to colorblindness. But then that might just be a fault in human genetics. But then that makes it even dumber that Lucius, a human, is still sticking by red and green as indicators. How about using an LED display that says "Correct!" and "Wrong, you stupid piece of shit!" instead?

Lucius gets lucky on his second placement of the crystal and the Phantom Zone Projector is ready to go! Now he just has to send Superman and Supergirl into the Phantom Zone where they can walk until they're past the edge of the dome and then come out of the Zone! It's a brilliant escape plan! Except as soon as Lucius sends them on their way, Planet Brainiac drops the dome. Whoops!

Oh! Oh! Is this issue entitled "Gorilla Warfare"?! Please please please please please!

Supergirl and Superman explore the Phantom Zone searching for a way out. While they fly about, Supergirl is all, "Remember how my dad built a dome over Argo City to save it from the death of Krypton and your parents?" And Superman is all, "Weep weep weep." And Supergirl is all, "Maybe that's what happened to Gotham! Somebody domed it because Earth and the Kents were destroyed!" And Superman is all, "Blubber blubber blubber blubber."

Superman gets tired of crying so he changes the topic of conversation. Next Superman is all, "I'm so logical and smart but you aren't which is why I admire you. You're emotional and more emotional." And Supergirl is all, "I don't know what to say, dick." And then they're attacked by prisoners of the Phantom Zone who despise the House of El even though it was Jor-el who saved their lives and gave them another chance if only they could get out of The Phantom Zone. Too bad every time one of them breaks free of the Zone, they decide to squander their second chance at life and attack Superman instead. Idiots.

See? Idiots. Every single one of them.

Supergirl beats up the four prisoners that followed her. She then finds vents of a special Golden Age gas that shows a person their past and future. It has to be from the Golden Age because it's so ridiculous.

Streaky!

Supergirl sees the cover to Crisis On Infinite Earths #7 and freaks the fuck out. She's going to die without ever having known the unsatisfying sexual exploits of a human male!

Kara cries over her virginity for a few hours before realizing that Superman should have caught up with her by now. So she flies off to rescue him. Or to hold his dead body in her arms while she screams at the harsh randomness of existence.

Supergirl finds the prisoners standing around her unconscious cousin making the biggest mistake of their lives.

I mean after the mistake that got them arrested and put into the Phantom Zone in the first place. Probably called Jor-el a nerd to his face.

Supergirl begins taking out the Phantom Zone prisoners one by one and leaving them in a mass grave.

What the hell is that guy wearing? A Kryptonian Censorship Bar?

Supergirl rescues her cousin and flies back to the Golden Age Gas Pit. A rupture appears in the sky but as she's flying toward it with Kal, the criminals ambush her. They delay her long enough for the rupture to close. Now they'll never get back in time to take part in Gorilla Warfare!

Meanwhile back in Pre-Crisis Gotham City, an army of gorillas have invaded. And with Superman and Supergirl trapped in the Phantom Zone, there are no heroes left in Gotham to stop the damn dirty apes! Except for Batman. And The Flash. And all of the other ones.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #1 Rating: This issue didn't have a title. I bet Marv Wolfman wanted to call it Gorilla Warfare but editorial nixed the idea because how many times has that stupid pun been used previously in comic book history? Like twenty at least! Although maybe next issue will be called Gorilla Warfare! That's more apt since the apes just invaded on the final page!

Here's my real review: 6.5 Goblets out of Lots of Goblets.