Batgirl #1

Dear Diary!
Guess who's in Japan?! If I said I was drunk on beers I snuck out of a vending machine down on the corner, would that be a hint?! I've been sitting on the toilet for the last hour spraying my butthole with warm water while trying to learn the language. So far I've learned how to say neko, usagi, and risu, just in case I needed to describe the animals following me around because I'm a goddamned princess! I also learned that my butt was oshiri so that I could describe, in Japanese, what I was doing while trying to learn Japanese. Then I decided a good way to say fart would be to say oshiri kaze because I already knew, being a practical genius, that kamikaze meant divine wind. I'm still learning, Diary, so don't tell anybody I said any of these things because people who actually know how to speak Japanese will probably shake their heads and judge me for being such a cute and whimsical moron!

Learning Japanese isn't all I've been doing! I've also been masturbating furiously because warm water shooting up my butthole feels way better than I ever thought it could! I think I'm one of those people who is into butt-stuff! It's so true that you learn a lot about yourself when you travel! But when I can manage to drag myself out of my hotel room bathroom, I've been having a huge adventure! Want to hear about it, Diary? Of course you do! You love hearing the adventures of a grown ass woman hopefully right up at the edge of the cusp of losing her sexual innocence! That's nice girl talk for getting fucked right in the vagina! I should probably practice talking like a bad girl because I am so ready to be bad! Not that having sex or not having sex is good or bad! I mean, I'm sick of not having sex so I guess, for me, not having sex is bad. Really bad! So bad my vagina has turned blue! I'm afraid it might turn black soon and fall off if it doesn't get some of that Vitamin D!

Oh! So anySwayze, my Japanese adventures! I'll try not to fetishize my adventures as being somehow more mystical and magical than normal Gotham adventures because I don't want to be racist by loving something too much! That's apparently almost as bad as being racist for hating something too much! I'll keep my love of Japan within socially acceptable limits! Although what the fuck (I'm going to start writing "fuck" in you a lot more, Diary! It's in preparation for being a super satisfied woman who fucks!) is up with the Japanese love of Pachinko?! That shit is nuts! I suppose it isn't too different from slot machines, really. And kind of more entertaining. Plus you can win toasters and blenders and curling irons! Most of them with Hello Kitty painted on! Ooh! Did I sound British just then?! I'm International Batgirl now!

Ready to meet 100% of the Japanese men who want to initiate her into the wonders of the non-self-induced orgasm!

Diary, do I think about sex too much? I think I think about sex too much! But I think I only think about sex too much because I haven't had any yet! I bet once I have sex, I'll be all, "So that's what that's about! That's pretty terrific and all and I can see why I'd want to do it again (a lot!) but now I can concentrate on things that aren't sex because I finally know what it feels like!" I wonder if I already knows what it feels like anyway, Diary? I mean, how different can it feel to have a penis inside your vagina over a carrot?

I just grossed myself out! Why did I stick a carrot inside of me?! That's a goddamned dirty root vegetable! I should have used a cucumber! Ugh! My vagina is so dirty! I need to go wash it off with the Japanese spritzing toilet now! Be right back!

Wow. Okay! I'm back! And ready to concentrate fully on telling my story which, I have to say, I'm slightly disappointed revolves around me fighting a bad girl in a sailor scout school uniform wearing Geisha makeup. I mean, come on, Japan?! Can you be any more cliché?!

But let me start at the beginning! I don't want to start like a crappy comic book where I start with some exciting action and then, two pages in, go back to the boring ass beginning of the story and tell it in a linear fashion until I get to the part where I started and should have kept going in the first place! I'd rather just start at the beginning boring of the story because my vagina didn't think that part was so boring at all! I got to the hostel I was staying at and discovered my roommate was a man! I resisted sitting directly on his face which is a good thing because I probably wouldn't have recognized him if I'd done that. But I didn't sit on his face and I did recognize him: Kai! You don't know Kai, Diary, because I've never written about him in you. I think I wrote about him in the you before you which wasn't you but was still my Diary. I think The Joker stole that Diary or something. I'm pretending to forget (since, you know, I don't forget anything. What a shit existence!).

I sat on Kai's bed right up against him as I explained to him why I was in Japan while ruining my underwear.

I didn't become a cop! I became a hero! Kind of the same thing. But that probably means Kai became a...super villain! I should pay more attention to the foreshadowing in my life!

Kai's sister became the cop and my brother became the serial killer. Did that mean Kai was also a serial killer?! I didn't want to know! At least not until my vagina had asked his penis what it's been up to all of these years! Hopefully getting good at sexing! I mean, we were already sharing a room. We were practically already doing it! Plus we had drinks later!

You might think you know where this is going, Diary. But never forget! My vagina seems to be made of Penisbane. And even when my vagina seems to be doing everything right, fate steps in and gives my future vagina ruiner food poisoning! ARG! I'm like Charlie Brown and fate is Lucy and every time I try to sit on a cock, fate pulls it out from under me!

Okay, okay, Diary! I'm getting to the adventure! The totally normal adventure that wasn't super exciting simply because it was set against the backdrop of Japan! So Kai and I went to this super important Japanese festival thing the next day. I wanted to meet Fruit Bat and ask her about being a superhero like eighty years ago. Kai wanted to take some pictures and get into trouble. And he did! He was attacked by that person I mentioned earlier who was wearing a schoolgirl uniform and wearing clown makeup! I mean Geisha makeup! Oh boy! I didn't mean to be insensitive to the cultural traditions of the mystic land I was a guest in! I just meant it wasn't put on well at all! A Geisha would have been embarrassed to be seen in that makeup! And not normal embarrassed where they giggle behind a fan! Like, really embarrassed where they run from the room and commit seppuku!

I'm so embarrassed I said this out loud! At least I didn't post it on Twitter! I'd have been flayed alive!

So this is the part where it gets exciting because nobody called me out on the Sailor Clown line which shows so much insensitivity to the culture that I should probably just delete my Twitter account on principle. Sailor Clown (I can say that in my Diary! Because, come on, it was a pretty good line!) was about to get away from me when she was stopped by...drum roll...Fruit Bat! Holy Moses! She's 104 years old and she's still fighting crime! From that day forward, I vowed to tell everybody that Batgirl was based on Fruit Bat and not Batman!

Fruit Bat drives away Sailor Clown and, before Fruit Bat collapses back in her wheelchair, I managed to get a few words with her! She told me to forget about my past which is totally convenient because I feel like Burnside was another universe and I've got to begin a new universe with a clean slate and a clean vagina! It felt like my Rebirth! I need to stop obsessing over my past and begin seeking out my future! I was finally going to get laid! Plus I learned about a mixed martial arts tournament in Singapore that I totally figured I could win.

Later that day, Kai came back to the room and was all, "You're Batgirl!" And I was all, "What?! Ha ha! Crazy! No way! Um, what?!" And he was all, "I totally guessed it because you live in Gotham and Batgirl lives in Gotham and now you're in Japan and Batgirl is in Japan! And at the same festival!" And I was all, "Farts! Why do I make this shit so obvious?!" But then I also thought this amazing thought: "Kai and I have known each other a long time and he seems to be in trouble and I'm a hero and what always happens to a hero who gets mixed up with a person who is always in trouble? ROMANCE! I'm going to have a romantic relationship with somebody who is totally wrong for me!" And so I invited Kai to Singapore with me!

Oh, vagina! We are so goddamned close!

The Review!
My comic book is the best comic book. I mean, this comic book is so great it's greater than all of the other comic books ever. I mean, did you see her butt in some of those panels? It's delicious, isn't it?! So hot! I would do me. I mean her! If you buy one comic book per month, buy Nightwing. But if you buy two, get Batgirl too! Then stack the two comic books together! But not like normal! Make them 69! Oh yeah. That's good comic book stacking.

Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps #1

This stoic looking fellow looks more like Hal Jordan than that giddy motherfucker on the cover of the Rebirth issue.

The Commentary!
Hal Jordan was sitting around the exploded planet of Oa one day and thought, "Wait a second. Didn't this use to be a non-exploded planet? What the hell happened?!" So he raced off to find out what happened and just missed Sinestro pull up in his Warworld RV. That wasn't even the best part! The best part was when Lyssa came out in her everything-but-crotchless uniform, unrolled the awning, set up the lawn chairs, started a fire, and said, "Horseshoes or my pussy?" And Sinestro was all, "Horseshoes! Definitely horseshoes! Unless...wait! I have an idea! Let me go put some Parallax in my pants and see if anything moves!" Then Lyssa got out her tattered James Michener novel, sat in a lawn chair and sighed. Having read the Book of Parallax, she already knew Sinestro was too old to get it up. She also read the ending of her book in the Book of Parallax so she tossed it in the fire. But as she did, she realized she never actually finished the book and thus the ending she read in the Book of Parallax couldn't have been the ending of the book! "More like Book of Paradox!" she cleverly retorted. She saw Sinestro standing off in the distance beating at his crotch with a huge yellow dragon and sighed again. "Wish it was the Book of Pair of Cocks!"

But Hal Jordan missed all of that because he was off trying to find the Green Lantern Corps for some reason! I guess because he thinks of himself as a leader so he needs people to lead. Plus he had a brand new cool Green Lantern ring that he made all by himself and he desperately wanted to rub it in Guy Gardner's smug face.

Joween, Joween, Joween, Joween!

Hal Jordan has come to the planet Joween because, I assume, somebody stole somebody's man. Although is that really theft when the man has a will of his own? I mean, if my sexy lamp decided it wanted to light up somebody else's life, should I blame that somebody else or should I blame my sexy lamp?

I was pretty close with the guess about a man being missing! Except it's a lot of men that have gone missing. And women! And other entities gendered in a way that I can't comprehend being that they're aliens and probably have all sorts of different kinds of genitals that I wouldn't understand. I barely understand the genitals we have here on Earth!

While Hal beats up on leads to get more leads to beat up on so that he might eventually find his lost Corps, Sinestro stands on the balcony of his Recreational Vehicle waiting for the Parallax Viagra to kick in.

He's talking about sex with Lyssa. I think.

Somehow and somewhere, in some title I was apparently not reading, the Sinestro Corps have taken charge of the entire universe. I guess when Earth embraced the Sinestro Corps after it saved them from the Pope of Autism, it was representative of the Sinestro Corps being accepted by the entire universe. That's understandable because the Earth is really all that matters in the DC Universe. They're also the most stubborn, so if they can accept the Sinestro Corps as their saviors, why shouldn't the rest of the universe?

Sinestro's plan, now that the universe is in order, is to make everybody in the universe fear stepping out of line. That seems like reasonable. It's the only reason I don't go out and burn cars every night. I fear what would happen if somebody else decided to go out and burn cars every night! And while logically I know that my not burning cars is not preventing other people from burning cars, it still feels that by not burning cars myself, I'm somehow holding other people to the same terms. Think about that! That tacit agreement to not go around destroying everybody else's shit is the only thing holding civilization together! It's not the cops or the government or a religious moral code. It's just this vague hope that everybody else just toes the line along with you! It's why old people find teenagers so scary! Because they know teenagers care more about fun than getting along! Also because teenagers don't usually own their own property so what do they care if a bunch of cars burn? Oh man. I'm starting to fear teenagers!

Did I mention how Parallax looks like he's just an metaphor for Sinestro's manhood? Okay, I was pretty sure I'd mentioned it somewhere before. But, being Rebirth, I should point it out again. Parallax is just Sinestro's junk manifested into fear.

The scene shifts back to Joween where Green Lantern learns that the other Green Lanterns just disappeared into thin air a few months ago. I'm sure when he finds them, it'll be like the final scene on the beach in Goonies. "It was terrible! We were just going about our business when suddenly a pitch meeting of a half-assed idea caught us up in its gravity!" "I was minding my own business when suddenly I was being written by a hack in another universe!" "The octopus was the scariest part!"

While he's interviewing the brigands, Hal has an attack of Willpower. Or Fear. Or Diarrhea. That's the brown spectrum. Ba da dump!

Lyssa has to stand this way because the front of her outfit is Teen Plus Rated.

Soranik is surprised to see her father come around the corner looking forty years younger with a massive erection. Lyssa is all, "Daddy is feeling better! Which means Mommy will be soon!" No, seriously. She actually said that! That wasn't me paraphrasing! Those were the actual words she used! Oh, except for the Mommy line. I did add that. But the Daddy line was all hers!

Sinestro goes on and on about Sinestro's might which I guess I'd expect from somebody who thought they'd never get it up again. The members of the Sinestro Corps cheer his raging hard-on as he tells them about his renewed strength and power. But the only way to keep strength and power, he warns, is to use it! That's when Lyssa floods her shoes and collapses in a huge orgasm.

Venditti must be thanking all the gods of writing that Trump is happening right now. Allegory!

Soranik isn't happy about this turn of events because she was led to believe that she was going to be leader. Sinestro was supposed to die and she was supposed to use fear to instill order! I don't know how she would have done it any different though. Maybe the way I mentioned earlier. Just a low level fear jolt spread across all the residents of the universe so that they're too timid to cause trouble. That's different than what Sinestro plans to do only by degree, of course!

I really have a hard time remembering the name of any Sinestro Corps members whose outfits don't reach down to just under the top of their vagina so I'll just describe them. Triple Scoop Face and Skull in Jelly have arrived at Joween (Joween! Joween JOWEEEEEEEEEN!) to instill some fear. They don't realize that the fear tables are going to be turned against them when Hal Jordan steps out of the shadows and sprays his green spew all over them. The Yellow Lanterns are all, "*BBRRRRRRPPPPP*" and "*SQQQUUUIIIISSSSHHHLLLLEEEEZZ*", respectively, as they shit themselves.

Elsewhere in the universe, the Green Lantern Corps finally escape the shitty Lost Army bullshit they were shit shittily into. Normally I wouldn't point out that I feel any emotion at all because I almost certainly don't but I did smile at the double page spread of their arrival. I guess sometimes double page splashes are effective!

The Review!
Is this all it took for me to finally get back on board the Green Lantern Express as it barrels down the tracks to smash into the universe which Sinestro has maniacally tied to the tracks while twirling Lyssa's pubic mustache? I'm not good with analogies. Or metaphors. Or whatever that was I just attempeted. How about I just say I'm enjoying the DC Rebirth comic with the worst title, Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps? It shouldn't be any surprise though because I liked Venditti's Green Lantern when Hal was all by himself. Robert gets Hal and I'm hoping he gets Guy and John and Kilowog too! Oh, and he also seems to get Sinestro! Because this is a Sinestro I can appreciate! I think I can appreciate him because he's the villain who thinks he's the hero who simply appreciates order at any cost and not just that he's not being written by Cullen Bunn. I mean, that's a plus, but I like to believe that I've got some unbiased critical thoughts!

Nightwing #1

"Nightwing" is a palindrome for people with a serious speech impediment.

The Commentary!
"Nightwing is a palindrome" isn't as sexy as it sounds if it sounded to you like "Nightwing is a pal in Rome." That's probably a euphemism like "from the other side of the shore" or "whitewashing the kidneys." This beginning isn't as off-topic as you're probably thinking it is because, as we saw in Nightwing Rebirth #1, DC Comics has finally decided to let Dick Grayson out of the closet! He is now as gay as every fanfiction writer has been portraying him! Okay, maybe not that gay yet. I mean, he hasn't tasted every dick and male asshole in the DC Universe just yet! Give him some time! Rebirth just began last month!

I know I always say "I know what you're thinking" (even though I rarely actually know (unless what you're thinking is, "Gee, Tess, you're kind of an asshole!")) but this time I think I really do know what you're thinking! You're thinking, "I would say Nightwing is bisexual and not actually gay because remember Starfire and Batgirl and Raya and Helena?" Wow, now that I list all the women he's been with, I'm impressed! Four women! Of course, he only did mutual masturbation with Batgirl, so I'm not sure that counts. Um, anyway, getting back to Dick and his penchant for it, I'm fairly certain Nightwing Rebirth #1 was all about him coming out of the closet and, in so doing, revealed that the women had all been trendy facial hair. Although he's probably going to do it to a lot of ladies in this comic book, so I should just go with the bisexual angle. It's going to be hard to keep defending the Nightwing is gay claim if he just bangs woman after woman and we never even see him kiss a guy. Which we won't because DC Comics likes claiming characters are gay but rarely let's them do anything about it¹.

This must be the new out-of-the-closet Dick Grayson speaking!

The person speaking is actually a woman named Doctor Leviticus. Unless it's a man because what woman could be a doctor? I mean what woman would want to be associated with Leviticus! That's what I meant! Pretend you didn't read the doctor comment or realize I was sexist when you read it! Dr. Levi (as she's known to all the cool kids like me and...well, probably only me. If there were other cool kids, I'd have some friends, wouldn't I?) is hanging out with her pet corpse and digging up treasure in a graveyard. She finds a small chest full of Charon's coins from the dead which she plans on selling to the Parliament of Owls. Not the Court of Owls, of course! Because even though the Court of Owls were just urban legends that nobody believed existed until a few years ago, everybody in Europe knows about the Parliament of Owls! Although if I were Dr. Levi, I wouldn't be so sure the Parliament of Owls doesn't already own the treasure she's going to try to sell them because the box is covered in carved owl images.

It's page one and Dr. Levi is already my new favorite character! I hope her gimmick is that she adheres absolutely to every law in Leviticus! Although there must be at least one law against graverobbing and palling around with the walking undead, right?

It's page two and Dr. Levi is about to be buried alive by a mystery person with a wrist gadget he calls Suyolak! It can cure whatever is ailing you! Although I think it's main cure is death because it's all, "Dude! Life is what's ailing you! It's so hard! Just slip into the quiet of the grave and all your troubles will be gone!" It's got a pretty convincing argument, really. Although I don't like that this Suyolak and the man it's attached to are already trying to rid my life of Dr. Levi. Jerks.

I had never heard of Suyolak so I had to ask Lord Google.

Tess: "Lord Google, Master of All Knowledge, Arcane Wizard of Enlightenment, please grant me with the answers I seek regarding Suyolak!"
Lord Google: "Seriously? You've never heard of Suyolak? *snort* I can't believe you've never heard of Suyolak!"
Tess: "Can you not judge me this time, Lord Google? I understand why you mocked me when I asked about the clitoris. But why should I have ever heard of Suyolak?!"
Lord Google: "Suyolak is a wizard in Romani myth who could find a cure for anything."
Tess: "Oh. That makes sense! It's just like the comic book! I wonder if it's a coincidence that Tim Seeley chose that name?"
Lord Google: "You're a fucking idiot."

I don't like to check Google more often than I have to. I'd rather remain ignorant than feel like shit.

Nightwing is currently in Turin, Italy, fighting crime at a circus opera that has been attacked by Kobra agents. Unless he just got a job with the scariest Cirque du Soleil ever. Although I doubt Italy has anything as gauche as Cirque du Soleil! They're all so refined in Italy, sitting on marble steps smoking cigarettes and drinking tiny coffees and weird, pastel ice creams!

This issue is called "Better Than Batman" because duh! What a claim, though, right? What a way to start a series! Just come right out and say what everybody has been saying for like ten years now! Some people may have been saying it earlier than that but I said "everybody" in the ten year range! So if you're one of those who was thinking it before everybody else was, la dee fucking dah! I guess you were just a huge genius, weren't you?! Or maybe you just had such a huge crush on Nightwing that it clouded your vision and made you think Nightwing was better than Batman long before he actually was. Because if you thought Nightwing was better than Batman during Marv Wolfman's Titans years, you were high on whatever drug was popular in the late eighties and early nineties. I think it was Skiplets.

Dick saves some lady named Manfredi while offering more proof of how gay he's become. Or always was but finally decided to reveal to the world! I don't want people misunderstanding me and thinking I think it's a choice to be gay or not! Because if it was a choice, what am I doing trying to have sex with women?! They're always all, "Ew! I have standards!" While guys are like, "Did you just make eye contact with me here in the park? Are we jerking each other off behind a bush now?"

See? He's putting on a show by thinking a woman looks lovely! So gay!

Nightwing tells Manfredi that the Parliament of Owls sends its regards because he's currently working for them. I mean he's working as a double agent for them since he's working as a regular agent for Batman. Unless it's the other way around and he's the double agent for Batman and the regular agent for the Parliament of Owls! The Parliament of Owls think they have control over Dick because they still think their bomb is up Damian's nose. But it isn't because Midnighter, an expert at getting big things in and out of tiny orifices, helped Dick remove it.

Nightwing has to explain to all the chowderheads who don't know anything and also don't have access to that asshole Lord Google that a gathering of owls is called a "Parliament." I covered that for the readers last week, Dick! Not that they didn't already know that because my readership is way smarter than me anyway! At least most of them are! Five out of the six, anyway²! Dick also points out that a group of crows is a murder, a group of mallards is a flush, and a group of geese is a gaggle. Why doesn't he say what a group of Robins are? Is it a Wet Dream of Robins?

Yeesh. It just looks like they're all in blackface now.

The Parliament of Owls have called Dick in to chastise him for being too heroic. They want him on the team because he's "the Gray Son of Gotham" who's supposed to fulfill the prophecy and bring blandness and neutrality to the entire world. But he just won't kill as many people as he saves. And how are you supposed to maintain balance when all you do is good? Get with the program, Dick!

Nightwing's plan to infiltrate the Owls might have a few hurdles to get over if he's not willing to kill anybody. Eventually they're going to realize that Dick must not give a shit if they kill Damian, so they're going to have to stick a bomb in somebody else close to Dick. Until then, The Parliament of Owls have hired a more ruthless agent named Raptor to be Nightwing's sidekick. Get it? His name is Raptor! He totally fits in because a raptor has to do with birds or something. Dick has some time to kill before he has to start hanging out with Raptor, so he heads back to Gotham for a bit.

This is what happens when you have too many kids!

Damian gleefully punches his father in the face and everybody cheers. At least everybody currently in the same room with me. Damian may be gleeful now but he's probably going to pay for that left hook. Did I sound like an actual man by recognizing a punch? Are there even any other punches besides left hook, right jab, and uppercut? You might be able to tell that I learned all of my boxing terms from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out.

Dick has decided to come to Batman for advice over the Raptor situation.

Dick: "They want to make me work with a sidekick!"
Bruce: "That sounds awful. Sidekicks are the worst."
Dick: "I know! I'm still not over working with Damian and...hey!"
Bruce: "Why are you even asking me for advice? You're the one who left me!"
Dick: "That was years ago, Bruce! How can you still be dealing with me leaving the nest? Er, cave! I'm totally stuck on bird imagery now!"
Bruce: "I'm still dealing with that collar you chose for your first Nightwing costume!"
Dick: "It was an homage to my parents!"
Bruce: "You should have been homaging me! I'm your parent!"
Dick: "Seriously? If I based my costume on the parent that took care of me after my real parents died, I would have been dressed like a butler!"
Bruce: "You take that back!"
Dick: "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"
Bruce: "--tt--"
Dick: "Um, before I go...?"
Bruce: "How much do you need?"

After the father-son talk, Dick heads out to finger bang Babs for old times sake.

Sounds like a fun night at the gay bar.

Dick and Babs decide to battle Spinebender again unless that's also a euphemism. I can't know for sure because the scene ends with Nightwing casually falling backwards off of a bridge after which I assume he dies. Batgirl apparently always answered "Yes!" when her dad asked "If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?" because she dives after Nightwing. And, I assume, also dies.

Throughout this issue, Nightwing has resorted to Narration Boxing as if he's doing a commentary track on a DVD. But you know what? It doesn't bother me. I suppose I don't hate them that much when they're written by a good writer whose actually saying something thematic throughout the story inside the Narration Boxing. I guess my positive bias toward Tim Seeley's writing gives him some leeway to engage in aspects of comic book writing that I usually can't stand. What I'm trying to say is I'll suck his dick if I meet him at a convention. Just out of appreciation for his skills! I'm not gay like Nightwing!

Nightwing heads out to his Moscow mission and the meeting with Raptor afterward. It turns out Raptor is the guy with Suyolak. It also turns out he's not as fun as Tiger was. And Tiger was a huge jerk, so you get what I'm saying, right? Nightwing's reaction to meeting me made me laugh out loud. Raptor is all, "You suck at stuff. The worst. So bad at it. Amateur. Gay, even, if you can pardon my insensitive use of the term because I find lame, the oft suggested substitute, ableist." And Dick is just, "Oh. You." Classic understated Dick!

Dick also makes a proctology joke which is pretty good too. Especially since Suyolak could probably remove whatever is stuck in somebody's ass. Also whatever else proctologists take care of the other 5% of visits.

At first I was like, "This Raptor guy is a jerk. He killed my new fave, Dr. Levi, and now he's being a dick to Dick." But then I was all, "This guy is totally my new fave!"

Raptor doesn't know what he's talking about! Dick and Babs have totally mutually masturbated multiple times to The Cure's "Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me"!

Raptor ends his lesson with Suyolak prescribing a dose of sitting down, shutting up, and forgetting everything Batman ever taught Nightwing. Mostly the part about not killing people, probably. Because remember the best cure for a malady is death! Solves it every time!

The Review!
So far in Rebirth, if I could only afford to read on DC Comics title, it would be Nightwing. I know that's a tough choice and all with Tom King writing Batman but holy jizz up my nose, Tim Seeley rocks the cock off of Nightwing! This book is better than The Bible! That statement was made purely due to my excitement and was probably a bit hyperbolic and over the top. It's not like anybody needs to understand Nightwing to understand 99% of all Western Literature. So I'd probably have to go with The Bible being the better book, if I were forced to make that decision and gunpoint and I would be killed if I didn't answer "The Bible." This is the kind of comic book Cullen Bunn reads and thinks, "Why do I even exist?" That statement was made purely due to Cullen Bunn having actually responded in annoyance at my reviews of him. Ha ha! He should have just not said anything because I would gladly have forgotten him since he was nowhere as bad at punctuation as Howard Mackie, or as bad at dialogue as Ann Nocenti, or as bad at art as Brett Booth, or as bad at general writing as Scott Lobdell. But he posted a picture on the internet of a person flipping the bird and directed it at me! So fuck you, Cullen Bunn! You're my go-to bitch³ now!

Speaking of Rebirths, I think this Review might be the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Rebirth. I haven't been giving the same amount of time and care to these things as I was giving a year or so ago (maybe since October 25th, 2014). But I want to get back to doing reviews like this one. This gave me a lot of joy even if it took twice as long as usual or more. This is the kind of review that I think my patrons on Patreon deserve and are supporting me for. I just want to thank them all once more because they're supporting me for something that is mostly free (I still occasionally do a handful of Patreon-only reviews). And I'd like to point out that along with the reviews, I'm planning on creating some alternate writing projects that will only be available in actual, real, hard copies. Check the Patreon for details. There isn't much now because I'm not sure what'll be first, but it'll probably be a book of poetry by a fictional ruler of a fictional country from an RPG that doesn't yet exist called "The Chicken by the Gate". Um, anyway, thanks for reading! Here's to hoping I can find the time to do more reviews like this one. ________________________________________________
¹Midnighter was a grand exception! DC Comics really should make more comics about gay heroes and heroines like Midnighter! Not that I enjoy seeing two men kiss! Ew! I'm so heterosexual I don't even like eating corndogs!
²I have many, many, MANY Tumblr readers. But only six Patreon readers. They're the only ones that count. And just so five of them don't feel like I'm calling them dumber than me, the one that is dumber than me is Doom Bunny!
³I meant that in the least sexist way possible, even though that's still pretty sexist!

Titans #1

It's a good thing all of Brett Booth's characters wear spandex because they'd never fit into any jeans off the rack.

The Commentary!
Judging by fan reaction regarding Wally's disappearance from The New 52 Universe, this comic book must be selling millions and millions of copies. If it isn't, DC Comics should just create a gif of Dan Didio shitting on the floor of his office and use that in response to any complaints any DC fan ever has ever again forever. Although why anybody cared about Wally West missing from the DC Universe, I can't imagine. There was plenty of Slash Fiction out there with the added bonus of three or four dick sucking scenes in each story. That's never going to happen in this comic book! Which is probably a good thing because I can't even imagine how Brett Booth would draw a penis.

I guess Dan Abnett was given the task of setting up the next big DC Crossover in this book. Wally West is going to have to figure out who had the idea for The New 52 and knock their teeth out. He'll eventually discover it was The Watchmen but we all know he should really be punching out the teeth of Dan DiDio, Geoff Johns, and Jim Lee. The dick sucking scene will happen before that truth makes it into the comic book.

Oh! It's also possible the editors at DC will find a way to blame the fans for not buying the comic books they claim they want to read. It's probably the main reason DC decided to have the Watchmen be the enemies. Because the readers are the watchers. We are the Watchmen. And it's our fucking fault, apparently!

Before the issue really gets started, Dan Abnett decides to waste a bunch of pages catching up the readers who began with this comic book. So basically those people who wasted money on Rebirth and Titans Rebirth #1 are also losing value on this comic book as the first four pages simply rehash the previous stories we've already read. Oh, Kid Flash also gets a new terrible suit so he can just be called The Flash and everybody can be confused. The suit is mostly terrible because Brett Booth is drawing it. He likes to distract the reader from his inability to draw proportions by drawing crazy lightning around everything.

Suddenly, The Flash is attacked by Doomsday! Oh no wait. That's the Snickers advertisement again. Never mind.

Flash is really just telling the story to Lilith who already knew it because she's psychic. But she needed an extra twenty dollars so she's reading Wally's fortune.

Oh shit! Donna has noticed us watching her! Hide!

Linda Park is currently in Keystone City waiting to be part of a love story that I don't give a shit about. I know, I know! All of the Wally fans are just gunging up their underwear over this crap. Will Linda and Wally get back together?! Will their love be strong enough to stand the test of erased time?! Will Wally slip in the show and penetrate Dick Grayson from behind while Dick's mouth is full of Tempest cock?! Oh, sorry. That's from Wally's life after Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) erased him from existence.

Linda is busy with a blog called Supernews.com. It's actually some kind of usenet service provider or something in our reality. I didn't really use any of my brain when scrolling down the site. I was really hoping for a Linda Park run news blog Easter egg! You could have done at least a little work setting that up, DC. Don't you know that whenever you use an URL in your comic books, you should purchase that fucking domain name? Where's your business savvy! I'm going to go register LindaParkDoesKeystoneCity.com right now!

Linda Park is going to make a name for herself by writing on the Internet! She probably shouldn't even bother. The way to get famous on the Internet is to come up with an idea that has no worth or merit after the initial revelation of that idea, at least not for the creator. Because if you're truly creative, being saddled with the daily job of putting philosophical quotes on top of pop culture images is a fucking chore. But people eat that bullshit right up! How about Peanuts comics with Smiths' lyrics! SO FUCKING GOOD! For, like, the one time I checked it out before I got bored and never fucking returned. But that's the kind of thing Linda Park needs to get over the top! That or a YouTube channel where she gets drunk and plays horseshoes or Minigolf three times a week.

Here we see Iris chasing down a lead! I mean Linda! Whatever. Does it matter?

The Titans are busy sitting around Dick's loft comparing their thighs. They have such massive thighs! I once had massive thighs back when I used to bike the Santa Cruz mountains. But now I have the thighs of a guy who reads a lot of comic books and used to ride a bike in the mountains. They're still fairly impressive but the inner thigh has gone pretty soft and squishy.

Roy has an idea that maybe they should talk to Mammoth about Wally's imagined threat to the universe because Mammoth was wrapped up in that Mister Twister thing that seemed a lot like this current problem. Dick almost chokes on his tongue when he realizes Roy has a good idea. So off some of them go to track down Mammoth while Wally stays behind to keep letting Lilith scrounge inside his head.

Does Roy realize he's not an Outlaw anymore and probably shouldn't be killing people?

I'm pretty sure Roy just killed three people. One probably broke his neck flying out of the crashing truck, one crushed under the tumbling truck, and one stuck by Roy's Lobotomy Arrow. Luckily I know he's probably not into killing anymore so I'm supposed to believe nobody even accidentally died here. Especially the one with the arrow sticking out of his forehead. Anyway, it works! Just before Wonder Girl shows up to break a guy's back with a shove, they get the name Psimon out of one of the bad guys. Now instead of asking people where to find Mammoth so that they can find Mammoth, they need to go rough some people up and ask where to find Psimon so they can find Mammoth! They're so much closer now!

Lilith uses her telepathy on Wally and does such a good job that she reads somebody else's mind inside of his! Then she panics and tells everybody they have to go to Keystone City. Wally's penis is all, "Keystone City! Right on! That's where Linda Park's vagina lives!"

It's possible Lilith's telepathy awoke the memories of Abra Kadabra. Now he's sending children into space instead of beating The Flash using the power of thought! Because nothing is faster than the speed of thought! Except for The Flash. I mean, obviously he's faster than thought! Thought isn't really that fucking fast. I mean, I have to decide what I want to do and then I have to tell my body to do it and then my body has to be directed at the thing I want to do it to. Even if the thought is some kind of psionic attack, I still have to direct it at something. I can't just think, "Blow up The Flash!" Although since those things only exist in comic books, I guess I could think that if the writer wanted me to.

Abra Kadabra declares that he was the guy who made Wally West disappear. But of course he didn't! He's a two-bit villain who can barely earn a living doing magic shows for kids' birthday parties.

The Review!
It's hard to review a comic book when the art is vying to destroy any interest I have in the writing. I like Dan Abnett's characterization of the Titans but I can't stand looking at their goofy faces and their extraordinarily long legs and thick thighs. Why hasn't Brett Booth signed an exclusivity contract with Marvel? Why doesn't Brett Booth go sailing with Scott Lobdell in a boat full of power drills and old sticks of dynamite? Why haven't I invented time travel so I can go back in time and hire a better art teacher for Brett Booth? Or maybe I can go back in time and convince Brett Booth that his art sucks and maybe he'd like to lead Germany? I wonder if that's what happened with Hitler? I wonder if his art was so bad and yet so ubiquitous that somebody decided to go back in time and get him to quit art. Then when he became a fascist dictator and ordered the genocide of thousands, the time traveler looked on his work, shrugged, and thought, "Still worth it." Yes, I'm saying that not having to look at Brett Booth's art might theoretically be worth six million lives.

Detective Comics #937

Republicans are going to be all, "I hate Batman because he cut up a flag!" But they'll also be, "I love Batman because he beats the shit out of thugs! And you know what we mean by thugs! We're the party of racism!"

The Commentary!
I would say that I hope I didn't offend any conservative readers of my blog with that initial caption but I doubt I have any conservative readers. Also, I don't care about offending them. If a person can't see how Reagan's tax cuts led directly to the destruction of the middle class, that person isn't worth a moment of my time. If a person doesn't think everybody deserves health care simply because they won't be able to cut in line for their heart transplant they need because they ate too much blended goose liver, they're not worth acknowledging as human beings let alone Christians (which they probably think they are and the only reason I mention it. What the fuck do I care if somebody is a Christian?). If a person is annoyed that I'm painting Republicans with a wide brush and they've now gotten some paint on themselves, they should probably think about the people they've with whom they've allied and whether or not their vision of America is the one moving into the future or the one pouting in Time Out because they refuse to not be fucking dicks. What the fuck do I care if I offend them? It's not like they're going to support my Patreon anyway. I mean, even liberals won't do that! And they pretend to care about art!

Yes, this is art, asshole! What more do I need to do? Shit on a picture of the Virgin Mary?!

The issue begins with some of Colonel Kane's Batmen inventorying Batman's utility belt. This is a perfect chance for some really good sex jokes! "Item 40: Stank ass Bat Ben Wa Balls. Item 41: Metal rod for sounding. Item 42: Bigger metal rod for sounding. Item 43: Even bigger metal rod for sounding." Instead they just find the normal stuff: laser cutters, rebreathers, lockpicks, Kryptonite, gerbils. I don't know how he fits it all in that belt! Although the bigger mystery is why does he even need a belt anyway. It's not like he wears pants.

The Batmen find a piece of Kryptonite in Batman's bat belt and now I'm wondering how he could have even conceived Damian with that hanging around his testicles. I knew Talia was fucking lying! Damian's real father is probably Java.

Batman is currently hanging about in some kind of high tech pillory device.

The General? Is that why Colonel Kane started his own army? To give himself a promotion?

Batman spits out his Smoke Screen Tooth which is something I didn't know he had. Then he pulls his extra Batarangs out of their special hiding place. You can probably guess the hiding place if you knew the definition of "sounding." And just like that, Batman escapes his prison! But before he knocks out both guards, he leans he's being held in "The Cave." Christ. Leave it to the military to rename something to make it even more boring.

Batman makes it to the main part of the cave and looks down on at least seventy infringements on his trademarks. Also hanging from the ceiling is an obvious American flag knockoff. Why so many red and white stripes?! And why is the first stripe under the blue field of white stars red?! I'm not even a Republican and I think this is a gross injustice! Mostly because it's so easy to type "flag of United States" into Google Images for a reference! This is just lazy!

Meanwhile, Batwoman and the Batkids have begun their first live action exercise in the field. Is that a thing military people say? I bet I fucked it all up, right? I suppose I could ask Lord Google but what am I? Not lazy and not a hypocrite?! Yeah, right!

Suddenly they're attacked by Doomsday! No, wait. That's just the Snickers advertisement. Never mind.

So the first subway system was built hundreds of feet underground? What a pain in the ass to walk down the stairs to that!

Rather than rebuilding a completely new subway system, wouldn't it be cheaper to order smaller subway trains? It has to be cheaper than building a new subway line! Also, don't you think they would have figured out the tunnels were too small almost immediately? Do you actually finish an entire system before ever putting a car on the tracks? Once again, I suppose I could research building subway tunnels! But I'd rather just rely on believing that they would have some kind of trains on the tracks to transfer materials further down the lines. And wouldn't somebody working the job probably have some experience building subways in other cities? And wouldn't that person maybe notice the railed cars used to deliver supplies to build further down the tunnel didn't fit quite like they usually did? And wouldn't...you know what? I just remembered I'm reading a comic book! I think I'm supposed to just think, "Holy shit! What an awesome idea! A Bat-Subway! Fuck yeah, motherfuckers! CHOO CHOO!"

So I guess Tim Drake is so smart that he skipped right past building model trains into building hypothetical rail gun trains. Did he do it all himself? I'm not sure I'd trust a train built by a 16 year old who doesn't sleep (his own words!). Take a nap and get back to me, asshole.

Tim did manage to figure out where The Cave was by being a genius though, so I can't be too rough on the little squirt. Plus he's fucking Spoiler. Way to go, brah! This is the part where I high five somebody else with a penis and we both pretend that we have big, mighty penises and have never cried over a girl before.

Back at The Cave, Batman notices some articles about Batman being seen around the world. How the hell did his Bat-computer not alert him to these sighting prior to this? Batman just hasn't been himself since the dionysium healed all of his childhood trauma! I'm not sure he cares about justice as much as he used to. There's only one way to get him back on track: let him have sex with Batgirl and then let the Joker cripple and rape her. I can't see any way around it! He needs to seriously suffer and what better way than by making Batgirl suffer, first through the betrayal of a parental figure pursuing a sexual relationship with her, and then through the trauma of answering the door and finding a fucking clown standing there. Oh, also the gunshot and the probable rape. That shit will really hurt Batman bad!

While wandering about The Cave, Batman takes down an IT dork and begins trying to extract information from the nerd.

An army of Batmen?! Trademark infringement #71!

This guy is yet another teenage genius. Every time DC Comics introduces another teenager who is a "genius" and can do incredible things that nobody could ever possibly do, I just picture a million hands reaching out from DC Headquarters to masturbate every teen reader in the world.

Odysseus here tells Batman that this Batmen Army Project has been going on for over two years. Too bad Batman was so busy building playgrounds for the underprivileged Gotham kids. Now he's got a huge mess to clean up because these are real soldiers killing real enemies all under the name of the Batman. Shit, Batman is going to get so rich from the lawsuit.

Odysseus stalls long enough for Colonel Kane (Uncle Jake to Batman!) to arrive and have a family meeting with Batman.

The League of Shadows sounds an awful lot like the Court of Owls!

Before Batman can be shot in the head, Batwoman and the Batkids arrive to save the day! Except the day will have to wait to be saved for two weeks because that's the end of the issue.

The Review!
Aside from the League of Shadows idea being a nearly exact replica of the Court of Owls idea, I'm being entertained by this comic book. Also aside from the sixteen year old genius who can work magic with technology. Also aside from the other sixteen year old genius who can work magic with technology. Also aside from the name of this issue being "The Great Escape" and yet nobody escaped. I think those are my only issues with the story. Maybe the whole Bat-subway explanation too. But other than that, the two pages that didn't have any of that stuff on them were great!

Team Titans #2

The 50-foot goddess has total Kevin Maguire face!

In this issue, we learn that Kevin Maguire has a pretty good range of facial contortions. My favorite is when Mirage looks salacious. He nails it! She makes that scene in the scene where she mentions she fucked Dick while pretending to be Starfire and then Pantha calls Nightwing a slut. It's totally hilarious because Nightwing is a guy and he just accidentally added another notch to his bedpost! Lucky!

I don't think anything else happens this issue except for the big reveal of Battalion at the end. Who is Battalion? Oh, he's just a guy with Lobo's hair and weird swearing, Wolverine's cigar and attitude, and the Punisher's love of weapons and death. He's obviously the next big hit character that readers will clamour for more of!

Except I don't think they ever did. I definitely never owned a Battalion action figure although I've owned an action figure of every one of those other characters I mentioned!

Action Comics #960

Superman has plumber's butt on his chest.

The Commentary!
Actually Nerds are really actuallying me to the point of distraction! The worst thing about an Actually Nerd is that they think they're the only ones who can make jokes. God forbid you dare try to fucking make a joke around an Actually Nerd! Unless, I suppose, your joke relies on heavily researched and annotated material. They also generally believe they're the only ones who have ever really thought their own opinions through so it's not rare to find an Actually Nerd is also a Devil's Advocate. Don't they know how fucking insulting it is to think a forty-four year old person hasn't been made constantly miserable by thinking and rethinking their life's decisions or their personal ethics or that one time they were taking a shit when the comic book store called to set up an interview for the job and they completely missed their chance?! My whole fucking life could have been different!

I don't mind Actually Nerds in person because they usually get the hint that I don't want to hear their fucking master's thesis on whatever facts I twisted for the stupid joke I just made due to my constant jerking off motion while they speak and by the amount of times my eyes roll back in my head. If they don't notice those things (like if the Actually Nerd is blind), I'll groan really loudly and say, "OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE IT WAS A JOKE YOU IDIOT!" But on the Internet, my only recourse is to reply to them with some horribly sarcastic and snarky response which they'll completely miss the point and probably Actually that as well.

I've decided the only way to avoid Actually Nerds is to stop having opinions. And since I can't stop having those, I guess I just have to deal with them.

This issue begins with Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) watching Superman battle Doomsday. It's some kind of test he dreamt up to see if Superman will ever choose to use his brain over punching conflicts into submission. After Superman's encounter with Eradicator in his self-titled comic book, I think we know the answer to that quiz.

Or maybe not! Because maybe Superman won't have to defeat Doomsday this time. Maybe Lex Luthor or Wonder Woman will!

Tyler Kirkham definitely went to the same art school as David Finch and Tony S. Daniel. I think it was called "School of Art and Design and Drawing Women (Fourteen Years or Younger Only)".

Let me "Actually!" myself! Actually, maybe she doesn't look that young here (although maybe she does!). It's just so similar to Finch and Daniel because her face is so smooth and her eyes so shiny and her lips so full while Clark's face is lined and his lips are practically non-existent. I'm sure his eyes would be dull as well but you can't really see them. It's like these artists at DC have never seen a man underneath good lighting and have only ever seen women under the best lighting direction in the world.

On second thought, Wonder Woman totally looks like a teenager in that scan. And Clark Kent looks like an Actually Nerd.

Wonder Woman wastes time telling Clark Kent to get medical attention when she could be stopping Doomsday. Isn't this always the way? A woman is trying to get shit done and a guy is all, "But what about me?! Take care of me! Can I call you Mother?"

I keep telling people "NO!" as well but they still insist that I pay bills, pay rent, take showers, eat, not scream at people on the streets, make an effort. It's exhausting!

Wonder Woman tells Kent that she'll get to the bottom of his existence because "the dead don't come back to life." When did she start believing that?! She knows Hades personally! She knows people can come back to life! I think what she's really saying is, "I will get to the bottom of this later and by "bottom of this," I mean your penis in my vagina."

Meanwhile, Superman continues to fight Doomsday. I can't decide if Doomsday looks cool with all of those stony protrusions or if he just looks like an out of control Amish man. Somebody put a wide brim black hat on him.

I hate the spoken phrase "black hat." Is it a hat caught in a high tree top? Or a cat?! How can you tell without cheating and looking at the lyric sheet! I also hate the spoken phrases "black eyes/black ice/black guys"! I thought my grandma was completely racist for years when I'd go drive somewhere in the cold. "Watch out for the black guys!" I kept thinking she was saying!

Somebody forgot to put in the pussy drying up sound effect.

Last time Preboot Superman fought Doomsday, he relied on his fists and he died. This time, Superman thinks, "What if I rely on my fists?!" I think maybe he has brain damage from the last time he fought Doomsday.

Wonder Woman looks so young here that I'm beginning to feel uncomfortable about that pussy drying up comment.

Superman decides that maybe the punching isn't the best idea. So he decides to smash buses over Doomsday's head. I guess that's technically a different tactic. Lex Luthor hasn't made an appearance yet because he's evacuating the city which takes a long time. Superman finally realizes that maybe it would be easier to take Doomsday out of Metropolis! I can't wait until he realizes he should call the Jeezly Crow Batman!

Back at the Super-Smith farm, Jon screams his fool head off and Doomsday hears him. Doomsday, apparently a pedophile, takes off through the sewers to go get him a piece of Superman's son. If you were molested by an unstoppable alien creature designed to destroy everything in its path, I'm sorry if I brought up any bad memories.

For some reason, Clark Kent is still hanging around taking notes so he can write up a big story about the fight that nobody will read because they all watched the fight live on television. What is Clark Kent going to bring to the experience with his lousy words?! Will he have some insightful take on the experience that would make reading The Daily Plaent worth being bored to tears? I wonder if I should ask myself the same question! Why would anybody want to read my thoughts on a comic book that they can read themselves?! Oh shit! My pussy just dried up!

It is ingenious since the "in" prefix can turn the word into its opposite meaning! Luthor is so bad at science!

This is why people don't believe in evolution. Because they don't actually understand evolution. Although if I'm being fair to the imagined comic book concept, I suppose Doomsday's creator's plan could work but I have to wonder why he needed his "baby" to die over and over again. Instead of sending Doomsday into a harsh environment to discover he could only live without water for three days and, only after that discovery, genetically programmed Doomsday's system so that it could survive without water for four days, couldn't he have just created a Doomsday that never needs water right from the start? If he were an imaginative person, he could have created a creature that was invulnerable, immortal, super strong, and could make people cry by performing Othello. The scientist didn't need to put Doomsday through all that torture! It's not like Doomsday dying somehow changed his DNA! It was just to give the scientist an idea of what to program for and against!

Unless I'm totally understanding the Doomsday situation incorrectly! Maybe I should just pretend evolution is exactly like creationism and move on.

I've never died once and I hate all life too!

Basically Doomsday reproduces asexually but only after he dies and with the added benefit of somehow gaining new traits that prevent him from dying in the way he died previously. That's way too fucking complicated and sadistic. Doomsday's dad really should have just gone with the whole invulnerable and immortal thing.

For some reason, Doomsday hates Kryptonians more than anybody else (except maybe Booster Gold). I guess his creator was not only a sadist but a racist as well.

Superman and Wonder Woman fly off to make sure Jon and Lois are okay. It gives Lois and Diana a chance to meet so that Lois can say, "Where we come from, Wonder Woman and I are friends. Close friends." Whoa! I know what an emphasis on "close" means in this context! Now I can't wait for the new comic book, "Lois Lane, Wonder Woman's Close Friend." Is it just a coincidence that "close" and "closeted" are spelled so similarly?

Doomsday shows up to punch Wonder Woman in the face as Lois and Jon drive off to safety. I guess next issue is the big battle. But how will Superman win if Doomsday just dies and comes back and is all, "You can't punch me to death now, Brah!" Then Wonder Woman will have to choke him to death with her lasso and he'll come back and be all, "You can't choke me to death with your lasso now, Brah!" And Superman will be all, "You know what that means, right, Doomy? No danger to you during autoerotically pleasuring yourself! Have at!" Then Superman will hand Doomsday a rope and Doomsday will disappear inside of a closet and never be heard from again.

The Review!
I own the Death of Superman issue but I don't remember reading it. Which is a shame because I know I opened the bag it came in and read it. I should have just read my friend Upright's copy! If I did remember reading it, would this story be more exciting? Would I appreciate the dramatic tension more? Or would it still be just another boring fist fight that I'm being told might be the death of Superman so that I'll think it's more exciting than it really is? I wonder if Dan Jurgens was just killing time on the last few scripts as he tried to think of a way Superman could defeat Doomsday using his brains instead of his fists. My main problem with this comic book is that I know it isn't written exclusively for adults because the only scene I really want to see is the one where Wonder Woman chops Doomsday's dick off.

New Titans #91 (October 1992)

Well, it’s what he’s been called so far, so why not?

The big question raised in this issue is this: how can adult Lord Chaos from the future and baby Lord Chaos from the present exist in the same space and time?

I know, I know! It’s a stupid question! Everybody knows the answer is “Because of time travel, you stupid knob.” But apparently everybody realizes that some cosmic law of the physical universe would somehow be broken if two versions of the same person were to exist in the same place and they’re all freaking out about it now. Nobody fucking questioned time travel though. “Oh! You’re here from the future? Oh yeah? Cool! Come hang out! But don’t call up your past version of yourself because the rates are crazy or something. I don’t know. Whatever.”

Obviously this stupid question which should never even have been thought to ask is being asked for plot reasons. Is Lord Chaos not really Donna’s baby? Seems like that’s the whole point of the question! Although I hope that isn’t what’s going on because if the baby isn’t killed by the Team Titans, does that mean Donna is going to have to deal with a baby from here on out? Ugh! Disgusting!

Red Hood and the Outlaws Rebirth #1

How many pages in until Artemis and Jason are fucking?

The Commentary!
I've been seeing Scott Lobdell retweet a modest amount of praise for this issue, so now I'm wondering, "Is this the day I finally give Scott Lobdell a decent review?" On one hand, I feel like a lot of people who enjoyed this comic book probably only enjoyed it because they love Jason Todd and Scott Lobdell probably had a panel with him eating cookies with Batman or something. So then their brains overloaded as they thought, "MY POOR BABY JAYBIRD! OH MY GOD! HOW ADORABLE!" They probably don't know anything about writing and plot and whatever you call the people in the stories. Oh! Characters! They probably don't know any of that crap! And on the other more mythical and probably non-existent hand, Scott Lobdell has finally learned how to write! This seems more far-fetched than catching a glimpse of Bigfoot on the local light rail but I suppose I need to entertain that possibility. I mean, all of DC's heroes have gotten a second chance with Rebirth, so why not Scott Lobdell? I just have one little problem. I'm not sure I can set aside my bias! After years of reading the worst stories imaginable by this man, I've developed a huge bias callus on my brain! How can I file that sucker off so that I can view Scott Lobdell's work with a clean mind? I wish I had some Vicodin.

I'll just trust the critic in me to approach this without any preconceived notions! Not that I trust the critic in me. That guy is a dick. Just ask Scott Lobdell!

The issue begins with Jason Todd stealing the tires off of the Batmobile.

Have you ever tried to get a floor jack under the front of a Camaro, let alone a Batmobile? Unless if you got a couple guys to help lift the car a bit, it's not possible. Therefore this scene has already ruined the comic for me! And why the bottle jack in the back as well?! Why so many different jacks, Todd?! Scott Lobdell is terrible!

That was a joke! I don't blame Lobdell for making a mess of the jacking up the Batmobile scene! That's Dexter Soy's fault! Or maybe it's just part of the characterization of Jason Todd. He just likes to be careful. Who wants a Batmobile falling on them while they take the tires? This just shows that Jason Todd thinks ahead and that he's strong enough to wander the neighborhood with a floor jack, probably two bottle jacks, four car stands, and a tire iron! He probably keeps them all in his hoodie because he wouldn't want to raise any suspicions!

Batman catches Jason Todd in the act and now it's time for Scott Lobdell to really execute that hilarious wit of his! Batman is all, "Serious serious!" And Jason Todd is all, "Snarky smarm, Batdick!" And Batman is all, "Eww! I'll show you! Want to get a sandwich?" Then Batman is all, "I really miss having a child in my cave. It could be fun having a surly little asshole running around! Want to be my sidekick?" And Jason Todd is all, "You'll never tame me!"

Since this is a Rebirth issue, I guess we're just getting a refresher on Jason Todd's origin. So I don't think Artemis and Jason will be doing it this issue. That's too bad! That's why I figured people were enjoying this book!

Oh wait! We're in the present now! Let the finger banging commence!

You can tell just how mature a person is by whether or not they've ever used the phrase "finger banging" seriously. I assure you, I was using it seriously! I mean ironically!

Red Hood is stopped by Batman before he can kill the mayor. That's when Red Hood says directly to the reader, "They say there are no straight lines in life. That it's all one big circle." Who says that? I've heard the line "There are no straight guys in life" that time I was propositioned by another man in my friend Doom Bunny's apartment. But I'm not sure I've heard that other thing about it being all one big circle. That sounds like maybe it's something out of the Big Book! But since I've never had an addictive personality, I've never read it! I should call my drunk...I mean my dad and ask him!

Anyway, Jason Todd defeats Batman because it's his comic book, and then he shoots the mayor in the face while Batman impotently watches. The only explanation for this is that Batman wanted the mayor dead and didn't mind playing at losing to see the job done. Oh, Batman! You're such a sly devil! Never killed anybody, my ass! Wink, wink! Nudge, nudge!

It's about the time of the story for Jason Todd to remember that he was once killed by The Joker. I hope he blames Batman like he always seems to do because he's not mature enough to blame himself!

In his memory of the event, Jason Todd mumbles an apology to Bruce just before he's blown up. Luckily he doesn't get too blown up or else he would have come out of that Lazarus Pit looking disgusting instead of sexy. And then where would his fans be?! I'll tell you where! Um, wherever small-minded idiots hang out! Like hot tubs you rent by the hour! Yeah! That's where they'd be! Ha ha! Burn!

If you're a fan of Jason Todd, I wasn't talking about you in particular! You obviously have good taste and intelligence because you actually read this far into my brilliant rambling!

Later, Batman shows up at Red Hood's hideout to thank him for killing the mayor. Probably.

Oh right! Trust the kid who murders indiscriminately! Oh wait? Is this the version of Jason Todd that kills willy-nilly? Or is this the version, in the same series, that chastises everybody not to kill? Luckily this is Rebirth so I can't disagree with whichever one Lobdell chooses to use this time around. As long as he, you know, sticks with it. Or at least gives a motivation for a sudden change.

Jason Todd asks Batman to let him infiltrate the seedy underworld of Gotham since they all think he tried to assassinate the mayor. Batman doesn't like the idea but he decides to let Jason do it. Of course Batman doesn't give up full control, being a completely manipulative micromanaging control freak! He points out that if Jason kills just one person, Batman will come for him. Jason pouts and decides to have a flashback.

In the flashback, Alfred takes a serious picture of Batman and Robin. Batman fucks it all up and smiles in it. What an idiot. I will say without a hint of hating myself for it that the scene is actually pretty good. But even a shit on clock is right once per day! Don't argue with that! You don't have all the details! The clock is broken and it has no hands but once a day it plays a recording that says, "I have been shit upon."

In the final scene where Jason Todd quotes the Rolling Stones, the reader gets to see the only two books Jason Todd has ever read: Rambo: First Blood and Where the Red Fern Grows. No wait! That's my high school friend Paul Bauerle! Jason Todd's two books are The Prince and The Art of War. Those don't shine any kind of new light on his character! Those are two books you would expect him to have read! It would have been much cuter if the books had been The Little Prince and The Art of the Deal. Okay, maybe that last one wouldn't have been cute at all.

The Review!
So far, not bad! But then this is kind of a one shot which avoids a lot of Lobdell's really weak spots. Like how he changes how one issue ended in the first few pages of the next issue. Or how he'll introduce a completely random plot thread to never follow up on. Or how he'll discard a premise he's been working on for a few issues to go in a different direction only to return to the original premise a few issues later without any compelling reason why. So this issue sets up the premise that Jason Todd is starring in his version of Grayson because that was super successful! I hope he remembers that's the premise by Issue #3! I'm sure Lobdell can pull it off as well as Seeley and Kind did! Although Lobdell isn't as funny as he thinks he is. Although that could be a description of me as well, so maybe I should just shut up already and say this comic book wasn't bad like I expected it to be.

Green Arrow #3

I predicted this is how Green Arrow would die.

The Review!
How did Benjamin Percy finally find a way to make a readable Green Arrow comic book? Especially when he seemed so intent on making the worst Green Arrow comic book? Okay, so maybe that was a bit hyperbolic. It's hard to write the worst Green Arrow comic book when Ann Nocenti wrote it for awhile. It's not like this book doesn't have some issues. But why would I concentrate on the problems when everybody is constantly concentrating on the minute, insignificant problems of everything always? Would I do that because I know people are used to me doing that?! No way! This is Rebirth! I'm way more positive now because the DC PR Machine has told me to be! Things are turning around! Things are getting better! Legacy characters and love are back! I guess. I don't know. I'm not a big picture kind of person! Maybe that's why I usually concentrate on the minute, insignificant problems that even pop up in comic books I like. Anyway, DC Comics is finally delivering a Green Arrow comic book that fits the character and is being handled adeptly and has even introduced a villainous organization that makes fucking sense. Although I'm still weary about this book because Benjamin Percy is the writer who wrote a number of Green Arrow stories during The New 52 to help remind everybody that racism was bad and that no white people can understand that until they've become a werewolf for a week or two.

The Commentary!
Recently, Green Arrow had lost all of his money and been declared dead¹. It seems like writers believe Oliver's money and standing are too much of a safety net so they find a way to remove them. Or maybe it's just too much of a hassle to have to deal with both halves of Ollie's life, although he normally just ignores the business half of his life so I don't think that's the problem. Maybe it's thematic but who has the time or intelligence to delve into themes?! I'm too busy trying to seem busy and too dumb to understand the different between theme and plot. I think it's the spelling!

Green Arrow is currently breaking into Queen Industries corporate headquarters because he knows the CFO² is somehow involved with the Moloid Slave Trade in Seattle. The best way to break into Queen Industries is to buy a ticket to ride up the Space Needle, evade all of the guards on the lookout for terrorists who would love to blow up the only recognizable landmark in Seattle, somehow get outside of the revolving restaurant to stand on top of the Space Needle, shoot an arrow with a rope to Queen Industries, and then laser through the glass! After that, it's just a matter of evading the guards until he finds whatever it is he's looking for! Or if he can't evade the guards, he can knock them out with the harshest, scariest sounding drug he could develop.

That assault rifle looks an awful lot like a flashlight!

Queen Industries has the craziest technology to keep the building safe. Probably because they need to protect stuff from the Green Arrow who keeps breaking into their offices for some reason.

Green Arrow eventually gets to the office of his CFO³ where he runs into demon-faced demons with flame throwers and untied boots⁴. I hope Green Arrow has some Exorcism Arrows or else he's in trouble! I mean, he's already in trouble and will probably be in even bigger trouble even if he has Exorcism Arrows because how many can he shoot before ten flamethrowers turn him to ashes? Maybe he'll do a back flip over the flames or something!

Meanwhile in Italy, John Diggle is diggling things up! That's his new catchphrase, probably. "I'm here to Diggle you up!" He can use it when killing somebody and when fucking somebody! I'm giving that one to Benjamin Percy for free because he seems to be having trouble finding a good voice for Diggle. I think it's because Percy's White Guilt can't allow him to presume to speak for an African-American character. At least I think Diggle is African-American. He just looks like a bald white man looking for a disco in this comic book.

Diggle is searching for The Ninth Circle to avenge the death of his Fremesis, Green Arrow. He's followed some leads to find the guy who can lead him to The Ninth Circle, a guy named Virgil. Okay, Percy. I fucking get it. You read The Inferno and you decided you would cheapen the entire thing by using it as a motif in your lousy comic book! Why does everybody love to reference the Inferno part of The Divine Comedy but nobody ever bases their criminal organizations or names their superheroes after Purgatorio or Paradiso! Maybe that's Dante's fault for making those parts so boring. Perhaps if he'd put more people head down in burning shit in the latter two parts, more people would remember them.

Before Diggle can have a proper conversation with Virgil about The Ninth Circle, the scene shifts back to Green Arrow who is already battling the demons in the foyer of the office of his CFO⁵. Since he has yet to be burned to ashes, I'm going to assume he did a back flip to get out of the elevator. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Oh wait! Apparently the conversation between Diggle and Virgil takes place in the text overlying the visuals of Green Arrow battling the demons. I probably should have read a bit of the page after turning to it instead of just jumping right back into my commentary so that I could call myself a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader. Not that any of this was any kind of a mistake! Just call it youthful enthusiasm! Or immature enthusiasm since the "youthful" is long fucking gone.

Oliver should do this with Boxing Glove Arrows and then punch three guys at once!

Diggle learns from Virgil that The Ninth Circle is a bank! Of course it is! Benjamin Percy, you sly devil! I knew you had a message hidden behind the demons, masks, and lousy Inferno references! I knew you were still fighting the social justice fight! Fuck the banks! Fuck them right in their ATMs!

But seriously! This is a good idea not just on a "The Man is the biggest bad guy of all!" level. Because Percy grows this idea out of that question that all good and loyal comic book readers ask on a near constant basis: if super villains have the kinds of funds available to them to build death stars and power draining ray guns, why the fuck do they need to rob banks?! Apparently to pay back the loans they took out from The Ninth Circle to fund their technology and research! And who better to run an evil bank than the CFO⁶ of Queen Industries!

Percy sets up this scenario to make it seem like The Ninth Circle is the most powerful behind-the-scenes organization in supervillaindom. But I know of a business that probably makes even more money than they or the Court of Owls make!

Supervillain Mask Makers!

Broderick doesn't actually run The Ninth Circle. He's just a board member! That's good because Broderick would be a boring choice for leader of The Ninth Circle. The only superpower he has is knowing how to use a slide rule.

Before Green Arrow can kill Broderick, Shado arrives to rekill Green Arrow. Emiko is probably going to be in serious trouble after this battle. The battle is taken through the window and outside the office because Green Arrow blows up the office. Only he and Shado make it out before the explosion. Broderick may or may not have lived. It doesn't really matter since he wasn't the CEO⁷ of The Ninth Circle.

While reading this comic book, did you also find yourself wondering, "Where are Black Canary's gams?!" Well, they eventually show up roughing up the dock worker on Green Arrow's payroll so that she can stowaway with the Moloids' kidnapping victims. That means she'll soon be on the most ostentatious ship ever sailed into the Puget Sound! And that's pretty ostentatious because Bill Gates lives up there. I think.

I guess Broderick did survive. And if this guy's the leader of the Ninth Circle, I'm not any more impressed than if it had been Broderick. But I'm even more impressed by whoever makes their masks!

While trying to escape from Shado, Green Arrow winds up arrested by the police for bombing Queen Industries. Can't he just reveal his identity and be all, "I own that place! I can bomb it if I want to!"?

The CEO⁸ of the Ninth Circle decides to declare Shado his enemy because he's an idiot. So now Shado can just go join up with Green Arrow and help destroy the Ninth Circle. She used to be honor-bound to serve them but now she has no loyalty to them at all. Even though Emiko is still honor-bound to them, I think that just gives Shado added incentive to destroy them. Emiko, trying to keep everybody calm so she can eventually help destroy the Ninth Circle from the inside, points out that they can trap Green Arrow because they have her and Black Canary as bait. They don't have Black Canary yet! But she's on the way to their crazy big ship that nobody seems to notice. I guess because fog or something?

_____________________________________________________
¹Again!
²I don't know what that stands for! Crazy For Oral?
³I don't know what that stands for! Cozily Fondling Orphans?
⁴I guess flaming demon fingers make it hard to tie your shoes.
⁵I don't know what that stands for! Cockblocking Foreign Oligarchs?
⁶I don't know what that stands for! Cheap Fucking Organizer?
⁷I don't know what that stands for! Cookies Equal Oreos?
⁸Fine! I admit it! I actually know what this stands for! Chief Evil Officer!

Aquaman #3

Who the hell is this? Black Womanta?!

The Review!
Black Manta is still relevant to this story which is a shame. I liked how it ended between him and Aquaman in Issue #2. I thought Dan Abnett was just getting the Black Manta shit out of the way and putting it up in the attic until somebody with a serious lack of imagination began writing this comic book. But I think Black Manta either became part of the B Plot, or N.E.M.O. is working with the Deluge to fuck up Atlantis's relationship with the surface world. It's probably all part of the same attack to discredit Aquaman and to have more conservative thinking Atlanteans take control of Atlantis. They'll close the borders and probably start destroying every ship sailing on every ocean. At least if that happens, Aquaman will no longer be a laughingstock. He'll simply be hated and despised by everybody! I think that's a step up, right?

The Commentary!
Aquaman finally dealt with Black Manta in a way that eventually won't fucking matter anyway because they're mortal enemies! Right now, Black Manta may have calmed down because Aquaman showed himself to be the bigger man. But eventually, he's going to sit and stew in his resentment and anger until his head is ready to explode! Then he'll put on his stupid fucking helmet and get back on his Aquaman killing hobbyhorse. It might actually happen even sooner because Black Manta never made it to prison last issue. Plus he's on the cover this issue. Unless that's Black Womanta on the cover. I can't tell and I guess it's really none of my business anyway! It's not like I'm trying to fuck him! Or her!

This issue is called "Capitol Crimes" which is completely confusing. Is it a pun that I don't understand? Perhaps Black Manta is going to attack Congress? I assume the enemy of this story will still be Black Manta because I saw the cover and because this is Part Three of "The Drowning". I don't think embassies are included in the definition of a capitol building, are they? If so, that would totally make sense and everybody is probably calling me a piece of shit dumbass right now! Also they might be calling me that because I'm just too stupid to understand why this story is called "Capitol Crimes"! Maybe it'll make sense when I read it!

Currently Commander Murk and the other Atlanteans have been locked out of Spindrift Station. I guess their diplomatic immunity doesn't allow them access to sites of terrorist attacks, even if that site is officially Atlantean territory.

You know what I'm realizing? I probably shouldn't have skipped every day in Civics in 12th Grade except for the day my teacher showed Soylent Green!

I dare any one of these soldiers to snicker at Aquaman now! I mean, they have good reason! Look at that stupid orange and green suit! Did he get fashion advice from a Clown Fish?!

Mera feels the same way about Aquaman's outfit. You can tell because she called her Aquawoman costume "humiliating". But even after telling her fiance that he looks foolish, she still expects him to fuck her! Who does she think she is? Some gorgeous mermaid who can probably manipulate the water molecules in the prostate to make a man come like he's never come before? Oh, right! That is who she is!

Aquaman plans on taking a trip to Washington, DC, with Mera so they can get their embassy back online. But the woman who kidnapped Black Manta has other plans! I bet one of those plans is revealing that her name is Black Womanta!

Black Jack?! So not clever!

Black Jack wants Black Manta to work for N.E.M.O. It must stand for Now Employing Murderers Only! Or maybe something about underwater work. Black Jack wants to hire Black Manta to kick ass. During the interview, she even lets him kill two of her current employees. That's poor negotiating tactics because now she just needs him more! Black Jack mentions that Black Manta is wasting his life and he's all, "Dammit! That's what Aquaman said too!" Then he pouts and considers working for N.E.M.O. The only thing he knows so far is that they hate Atlantis, their name is an acronym without any meaning, and Black Jack isn't the boss. I hope it isn't The Scavenger! He's a worse Aquaman villain than Aquaman is a hero!

In Washington, Aquaman finds everybody takes him seriously. That's a new one! I suppose everybody knows he's a king and you don't fuck around when a king comes to visit even if he has a reputation for porking dolphins. Plus Mera is with him and she's almost a queen and everybody loves a visit from a queen! But the government doesn't really feel like getting the embassy back up and running. So Aquaman mentions the Justice League. He makes it seem like he's giving a reference but I think it's an understated threat!

During the meeting, The Deluge attacks an American battleship. And since American foreign diplomacy amounts to "some jerk from a country attacked the US so that means all the people from that country must be jerks," Aquaman and Mera are accused of being complicit in the attack. So they arrest him while Mera gets ready to tear everybody apart by their inner water molecules. Aquaman tells her to relax because he's serious about keeping up good relations with the US, no matter how shitty the US treats him or his people.

I'd rather things went Mera's way!

Batman #3

Why was Batman hanging around inside a building on his motorcycle? Fucking dick.

The Commentary!
Hopefully David Finch convinced Tom King to write some scenes with women in them this month. It's like Tom King doesn't understand the importance of the male gaze in comic books drawn by David Finch! It's exclusively why people enjoy David Finch's art! Nobody thrills to David Finch's depiction of fish-mouthed men somehow skulking in the shadows of a fully lit room! Finch fans want half-naked women with belly buttons showing through their dresses! They want to see Finch infantilize women by drawing them to look like fourteen year old girls! Simply put: David Finch fans want The White Rabbit! Bring her back, Tom King, and forget trying to be hip and groovy by bringing in Kite-man! Unless of course, being Rebirth, you can bring in Kite-woman? Maybe she never plans enough time to get ready for the big heist and has to rush out in a towel! I bet David Finch is already whipping out his paint brush¹ for that story!

I know I usually lather up Tom King's erect phallus with enough of my own spit for a hundred DNA tests but I suddenly find my mouth as dry as a Republican wife's pussy as she listens to her husband, once again, misunderstand the tax code as I read the first few pages of this issue. How many times do I have to read an alternate version of the alley scene where Tommy and Mary were killed? How many hours per week does Batman spend in Crime Alley waiting to stop future competition from being created? I would understand the need for this scene if the family were composed of three women in towels and the mugger was another woman in a towel and maybe one of the towels was ripped off like Martha's pearls! That would be artful! But this? This is just rehashed hash! I've seen it before and I'll see it again because Batman can't fucking get over it. Why must I suffer because Batman won't go to therapy?!

It's also possible I should simply trust that Tom King is going somewhere spectacular with his alternate Crime Alley scene because he rarely disappoints! But that's intelligent person talk! I'm an internet reactionary who hops on Twitter at the first hint of a coherent thought to dismiss anything and everything! I don't have the strength of character to read something by a well-regarded artist and admit that the fault might not be in the writing but in my own understanding of it. Obviously my five minutes of reading something that took many more hours to construct is the correct opinion of the thing! How could it be any different?!

Batman calls for an ambulance to check out the family that was mugged and then gives them some Bat-advice.

I would also add "Don't let this mugger take away your love of walking down poorly lighted streets at night in a crime-ridden area of Gotham!"

Is that why Batman became Batman? Because villains are a cowardly lot and he likes to make them scared so they get the opportunity to fight the fear and become stronger?

The story about wanting to be part of the piss and smoke which opens this comic book is being told by the father of the family Batman saves. He just happens to have a son and a daughter who look an awful lot like Gotham and Gotham Girl. That probably isn't it though because what are the odds that Gotham was created in the same alley that Batman was created in? Oh, you know what? They're pretty good since this is a fabricated and contrived² story!

The person Gotham and Gotham Girl's parents are telling their story to is Matches Malone. They think he's with the FBI and not a gangster like he usually pretends to be! So they tell him all of their childrens' secrets, especially the one about how they were overseas and needed a shitload of money for some mysterious purpose that probably involved Dr. Jace. When they returned, Gotham and Gotham Girl suddenly appeared! And remember, Batman doesn't believe in coincidences³! At least not in certain situations. So I guess he sort of believes in them sometimes.

Before Matches Malone leaves Gotham and Gotham Girl's parents, he breaks down crying, falls on his knees, and hugs their mother, burying his face in her matronly bosom. Except he does it in the Batman way by saying, "You are nice people. You remind me of nice people I once knew. It is nice. And emotional. I must go now!"

Meanwhile, The Monster Men are Coming!

Leaving the Gotham Kids Estate, Batman is told by Alfred that a suicide bomber has blown up the middle of a bridge during rush hour. So Batman must be quickly off to the scene of the catastrophe!

Why is this even a thing that is needed? Who thought this was clever? Why are dumb things constantly turning up in my comic books? Oh wait. Haven't they always? Have I...outgrown comic books?!

I guess Matches Malone never gives anybody a lift in his car because what do you say when somebody asks, "Why is there a motorcycle in your car?"

Over at the explosion, Gotham tries to keep the bridge from collapsing by holding it underneath while Gotham Girl watches holding one small child. I guess her job is watching for signs of Batman. Although I don't know how he's going to help keep the bridge from collapsing. Throw a Batarang and shoot a Bat-grapple? Maybe inside of his Bat-cycle is a Bat-plane that sprays Bat-glue?

Turns out my speculation wasn't far from the truth. Except the Bat-plane arrives on its own and Batman shoots a number of Bat-grapples to secure the bridge to the Bat-plane. No Batarangs or Bat-glue⁴!

While Batman saves the bridge, Hugo Strange tells another story that's the antithesis of the story told by the parents of the Gotham Kids. The Gotham Parents' story was all about how the piss and smoke tastes good and enables a person to be better somehow. It isn't explained well in their story because being beaten down by the city you live in, pissed on and covered in the retching smell of smoke, doesn't make for an easy explanation as to how it helps improve a person. I guess it makes a person want to improve the city because maybe the piss and smoke isn't as good as it seems? But Hugo Strange's story about living in a city that's constantly falling and breaking down makes the populace feel like they're constantly falling and breaking down makes a lot more sense! Hugo says that to survive that kind of world, the residents of Gotham simply live in denial, or to embrace the horror of their city and join it. So what Hugo is saying is that Gotham City is existentialism? And he wants to bring--what?--faith to Gotham? Basically, his Monster Men are supposed to make people declare, "I am not Gotham!" That's because that fits in with the theme of people being Gotham, see?! Like Batman, Hugo Strange wants the people of Gotham to face their fear, be brave, and stand strong. He wants them to stop accepting the piss and smoke of Gotham and realize that they don't have to identify with the shithole. They can look at Gotham and say, "Fuck this shit. This shit should be better!"

I think I might be with Hugo Strange! Except I'm sure his plan involves killing thousands of people with his Monster Men while Amanda Waller signs his checks. Although how is Hugo's plan going to work when there's also an Army of Batmen at work in Gotham? Won't the Batmen Army just cancel out the Monster Men invasion while the Bat-family sits back and watches?

So what? Batman is just going to leave the Bat-plane like that until it runs out of fuel and everything collapses?

After Batman leaves to do research, another explosion takes place in the city. When the Gotham Kids arrive, they discover Hugo Strange waiting for them with Psycho Pirate. Great! Now they're going to discover why Batman really hates heroes with super powers! Because those powers are constantly being manipulated by villains and used against the populace they're supposed to protect! I hope Batman already has a plan to take down the Gotham Kids! Oh, who am I kidding? Of course he does!

The Review!
My mouth is a little bit wetter than it was at the beginning of this commentary, so I might be able to spit on King's dick a few times to get it lubed up for my butthole. I've never been too interested in Hugo Strange but this story seems to be the kind of thing he was made for. He's psychoanalyzing the city of Gotham for Amanda Waller in an effort to discover the proper therapy to cure it of its mania, depression, violent tendencies, and god complex. If that seems a bit too abstract, Hugo also gets to do the same thing to a hero named Gotham. That should make the allegory more palatable, I think. And while Hugo Strange might have the ability of manipulating people through therapy, he doesn't quite have the chops to simply mind-control some super kids. So getting him to manipulate Psycho Pirate to manipulate the Gotham Kids is a nice touch. Although isn't that how Psycho Pirate is always used? He's such a spineless coward without any emotions of his own! The Medusa Mask made him its slave and now he's just a quivering blank slate to be chalked upon by villains smarter and stronger willed than he is. So, you know, I'm still enjoying Batman! Ptui! _______________________________________________
¹Yes, that is indeed code for his penis.

²I don't mean contrived in a derogatory sense!

³According to Justice League Rebirth #1!

⁴At least not this time!