Sunday, July 17, 2016

Nightwing Rebirth #1


Why is Nightwing's ass so tiny?

The Review!
This comic book is about Dick Grayson finally coming out of the closet. It might look like a comic book about Dick Grayson returning to the mantle of Nightwing but the clues say otherwise! Clue #1: Dick Grayson doesn't have sex with any women in the whole book! Clue #2: Midnighter helps Dick get control of the giant pink beast with the dildo on its head living inside of him. It's a metaphor! Clue #3: the final page is Dick walking out of the Bat-closet in his Nightwing uniform. Clue #4: Batman and Dick continuously call the Court of Owls the Parliament of Owls. No wait. That clue doesn't prove anybody is gay. It just proves Tim Seeley is smarter than Scott Snyder. Because a group of owls is a Parliament and not a Court! So it makes more sense. Which is why the elite Owls are in the Parliament of Owls! The Court of Owls are just low level losers in Gotham who suck because Scott Snyder really fucked up that opportunity. Or maybe Scott just didn't want to confuse everybody by having a Parliament of Owls and a Parliament of Trees, since he was writing Swamp Thing and Batman at the same time. None of that is proof that this book is about Dick Grayson coming out of the closet but I figured the evidence was so obvious that I had some room for a digression.

The Commentary!
Nightwing could really us some blue fringe around his calves. I think it would really complete they look. And maybe he shouldn't try so hard with the tousled hair. And those sticks are mighty phallic. And the...oh! I get it. I see what demographic DC is going for.

Nightwing explains where he got his name so that any new readers picking up this comic book due to the obviously gay hero on the front will know where it came from. Dick doesn't want anybody thinking his post-Robin persona was also influenced by Batman! It was one of Superman's Kryptonian urban legends that inspired Dick's new name. He liked the name because it was also a dig at Batman. See, the Nightwing was a legendary creature that was a catalyst for change and a rebuilder. Obviously you only need somebody to rebuild that which has been broken down. In essence, Dick was telling Batman that he was breaking all of the shit with his sourpuss methods and Dick was not going to continue that pattern. Also Dick knew Batman's bat-panties would get into a huge twist when he learned Dick's new persona was inspired by Superman.

Nightwing finishes his introductory monologue by saying "Because I may have lost Nightwing, but I never lost D. I. C. K." Oh yeah. Totes homo rebirth!

Dick is hanging out with Damian at a Gotham arcade as the real story begins. It's full of important moments like learning that an arcade in Gotham has survived for twenty years and Damian's favorite arcade game is called Cheese Viking. The reader doesn't learn yet what Dick is back in Gotham to take care of. That's because he has to have a flashback to all the schoolgirl vagina that was constantly trying to wrap itself around his dick.


Jim and Juan are Dick's buttocks.

In the flashback, the reader learns that Helena is taking up the role of The Huntress to go star in a comic book with Batgirl where they'll probably moon over Dick Grayson every month.

Damian has something wrong with his head or eyes which he pretends is just eye strain from playing Cheese Viking. So obviously Damian has brain cancer and will be dead in a few months.

Dick also has a couple of flashbacks about other people who want to fuck him, like Tony the Tiger and Midnighter. He tells Damian all about how much everybody wants to fuck him. He's all, "Oh yeah. My dick hasn't seen the light of day in months! And not because it's been in my underwear! If you get my meaning. Do you get my meaning? Has Bruce had the sex talk with you yet?"

For his help catching a bunch of God Garden technology and monsters, Midnighter gives Dick a motorcycle handbrake with a balloon attached to it. He tells Dick that it will help the kid, so I guess it cures brain cancer. So Dick sticks the device up Damian's nose and claims he just vacuumed out a bomb stuck there by the Court of Owls. But he does this after Narration Boxing about how "lying, manipulation, and duplicity aren't really his thing...except when they are." So he's definitely lying to Damian about why he stuck a Yamaha handbrake up Damian's nose.

That's when Batman appears and jumps to the conclusion that Dick and Damian are getting fucked up on whip-its. But Dick explains that he's actually just sticking Midnighter's Gaydiation Device up Damian's nose to make him gay. Every gay person is issued one when they're turned gay by other gays. That's totally how that works.

Also the bomb thing might actually be true and Batman knew about it and it was so Dick could be controlled by the Court of Owls. But now it's out and the Court doesn't know any better, so they still think Dick has to be friendly to them. Now if only Dick could remove whatever Batman stuck in Dick's butt so that Dick will stop doing whatever Batman says.

Meanwhile, the Court of Owls has a meeting about their aesthetic. They decide the white masks are too showy and switch them out for black masks. Also they kill Lincoln March because his ego was getting in the way and the Court of Owls is supposed to be cool as neutral cucumbers. It's all about balance and you don't spell balance L-I-N-C-O-L-N! I don't think.

Dick takes up the mantle of Nightwing once again. His main objective is to destroy the Court of Owls from the inside. I hope he completes that task in one issue because I don't know if I'm ready for more Court of Owls stories. Even if they have new masks!

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