Batgirl #4

Yappy dragons are the worst.

Dear Diary,
Did you hear about Jennifer Lawrence scratching her butt on a sacred rock?! So disrespectful! And you know there's nothing worse in the world than disrespecting other people's irrational beliefs! I mean, sure, I get having an itchy ass in a wet suit because you might not have wiped particularly well that day since, you know, my Batsuit is practically a wetsuit and I've also had those kinds of days when I get undressed and reach down the back of my underwear for a good scratch and then bring my fingers up to sniff them and they're covered in poo! But I'd never wipe my ass on a sacred rock! That's like burning a flag or drawing Mohammad or having an abortion! These are things other people don't want other people to do for reasons that I suppose we should all just agree with because they're so passionate about them. Not that I believe any rock is sacred or that burning a flag is dishonoring servicepeople or that drawing Mohammad is a form of idol worship and therefore against Allah's word or that having an abortion is killing a baby! But other people believe those things and I guess I should respect those beliefs? I mean, unless I strongly believe the opposite! Like how if a rock killed my grandmother and now I had a sacred duty to wipe my ass on all rocks!

Anyswayze, who really cares, amirite?! I suppose people who can't get enough with finding faults in other people because it gives them righteous indignation boners. Although in her story, Jennifer Lawrence did admit that the real curse is white people, so why is everybody so mad? She was, like, admitting that thing we all knew already!

Also that thing I said about sniffing my butt fingers was just a joke. Ha ha!

So this week, I met these supervillains who were really into researching American dropouts. Weird!

These criminals were Asian dropouts which is like the worst of the worst when it comes to dropouts! Unless that's racist! I mean, even if it is racist, it's probably sort of true. Not that they're the dumbest dropouts out of all the dropouts! Heck, a Korean dropout is probably thirty times smarter than an American high school graduate! Um, that's probably a racist assumption too! But if I can't make racist assumptions in my own Diary, Diary, where can I make them?! Oh! I know! In Trump's America! Hmm, this Diary might be a best-seller if I leak it to the right American publisher!

Oh man! Speaking about racial stereotypes, how about those Korean gamers?! Holy crap, those guys are serious! I'd wipe my ass on a hundred sacred rocks before I disrespected a South Korean gaming clan in an online game! Especially if it's one with PvP because if you attack one member and defeat them, you'll suddenly find yourself attacked and destroyed in the most massively coordinated attack in the history of coordinated online gaming attacks! I've experienced in a game called Archmage that I played when I was like six! People tried to warn me! But I was all, "No, no! I can take them down!" And then I was attacked by fifty people at exactly the same time thereby bypassing the cool down time for getting attacked once you've been completely destroyed. Bastards!

More Asian dropouts attacked and I had to get out of there because I felt bad beating them up when they were victims of a social attitude that demands excellence in academics that not everybody can achieve. They weren't the monsters! The culture they lived in was the monster! Wait. Is that racist too?! I mean, can I, a white woman, judge the value of another society if that value causes unwarranted pain and hardship among the populace? Or should I just keep my white nose out of it?! I'm glad this Diary is private and a whole bunch of judgmental assholes won't be reading it! Can you imagine, Diary, if you had a comment section?! Eep!

Meanwhile this was happening to Kai although I didn't know it yet! Sigh. Look at those abs! Why am I suddenly reminded of the Hoover Dam?!

I needed some help with The Mystery of Whatever the Mystery Was (I Think It Had To Do With A Martial Arts Tutoring Program That Kai Ran Afoul Of?). I really do need to work on my Mystery Names. How am I ever going to market a series of Young Adult novels about a super hip chick with a majorly fine ass who goes around the world solving mysteries and fucking hunks if the name of the mystery can't even fit on the cover?! I think the first book should be called "The Mystery of the Penis Filled Orifice!" Hmm, I'm thinking about the Hoover Dam again!

Anyswayze, I called Frankie to help me out with my mystery. She was all, "That Biowhatever you're whosit now whatsit thingy was created by the what's-his-name who was accused of stealing and publishing some other chick's research but the accusation was never proven." And I was all, "Gross! Shouldn't the accusation have been enough to prove the research was stolen?!" And Frankie was all, "Right?! The guy who stole it barely graduated so he totes couldn't have come up with that shit himself!" And I was all, "So gross!"

Frankie found all the clues I needed to put this Mystery (and Kai!) in bed! To bed? Whatever! The bio-encrypted drugs or whatever that Kai was somehow involved in transporting were going to be used to make all of the stupid Asian kids smart enough to pass their tests so their parents would give them oral stimulation of their genitals! That's a thing, right? Oh man. Don't tell me. Racism again, right?! Egads!

So anyway, Teacher stole the bio-crap out of Kai's stomach and then the bio-crap left in his stomach was destroyed by antibiotics when he ended up in the hospital! Now he's going to be killed by some Asian gang and I'm probably never going to learn what his man-meat tastes like! Probably like licking a sweaty foot, right? So gross! Now why am I thinking of the Mojave Desert?!

Before leaving Kai for good, I, as Batgirl, advised him to get a real job and then maybe Barbara Gordon might want to date him. If he had guess that I was Batgirl at that moment, I totally would have done him! But he didn't because he's just as dopey as I remember. Too bad! His body was good enough to do ethically terrible things! Now I see why Batman lets Catwoman get away with everything just short of murder! Or does she murder now? I think she murders now, right? Or is that just a red herring?

Anyswayze, following the trail of clues I worked super hard to get Frankie to discover, I found the Super Villain Cram School run by Evil Teacher! My first act was to batarang the shit out of her Evil Study Drugs which shattered all over her and turned her into the Bane version of my seventh grade English teacher! Or maybe a different teacher. My 7th Grade English Teacher was Mr. Sousa and he had a weird obsession with Romeo and Juliet, so much so that we spent one entire quarter doing nothing but reading and watching different versions of the play. The ballet! The pop art modern take! That old movie that showed tits! A version of it in the park! I suppose if he sucked down some Venom, he'd just boner rage down to the closest Shakespeare Festival.

So I was just about to get into a fight with Mrs. Bane when I realized I was bored with my life abroad. I mean, I still kicked her ass and all but that story will have to go unheard by any Diary. I mean, I just don't feel like writing about my life anymore! Sorry, Diary! I need to concentrate on my vagina before it dries out!

The Review!
I'm more interested in this series than I was the last time I read an issue but it's too late. I've taken it off of my pull list! It's a shame, too, because Batgirl is the only character in the DC Universe who knows how to handle a thought bubble! Also she has a great ass!

Batgirl #3

"Taste my thumb! TASTE IT!"

The Commentary!
• I used to write reviews of Batgirl in the voice of Batgirl writing her diary. I think it's only fair to Batgirl to let her take a stab at writing my diary for Thusday!

Dear Diary,
I have a penis! Look at my penis, Diary! It makes a lot of my decisions! Or stops me from making decisions, even! Basically every decision I make, the first question I have to ask is, "Will there be a possibility that somebody will gaze upon my flaccid member?" If there is then I don't do that thing! I mean, if they were going to look at my erect penis, no problem! It looks good! And, sure, sometimes my flaccid penis looks okay too! It looks normal adult-like! But sometimes, it looks like a little boy's penis! Not that I spend a lot of time looking at little boy penises! But I was a little boy once and sometimes I think my penis forgets that I'm not a little boy anymore! Sometimes it's like, "Here I am naked! Nothing remarkable or unremarkable to see here! Just a guy and his penis!" And then sometimes it's like, "Don't look at me! I look like the statue of David! Why couldn't the ideal flaccid penis size have remained the same as in Greek and Roman times! I'm a monster!" But luckily, this being Thursday, I didn't have to make any decisions like that!

AnySwayze, me and my penis woke up around four in the afternoon. We ate Burgerville for breakfast and then watched American Horror Story Hotel until about eleven at night. At first we were all, "I don't know if I'm going to care for this one. A hotel? Whatever!" And then I was all, "This one might be the best put together AHS series yet! I mean, if you like throats being slashed and butts. I'm pretty sure this season is 50% throats being slashed and 50% butts. It's pretty good!" Then I read a couple of comic books. Then I went to Taco Bell to get dinner because I am a mad nutritious eater. After that, I watched the first episode of Luke Cage and now I have a secret crush on Luke Cage. That motherfucker is one motherfucking charming motherfucker.

That's about all I did so far today! It's now four in the morning and I'm writing a diary entry in the voice of a girl obsessed with the idea that I have a penis. That is all!

• This issue begins with Batgirl knocked the fuck out because she got knocked out by The Moth. Batgirl might be great at kicking ass when she's fighting thugs in Gotham but she's not so great against professional fighters, it seems. I hope no professional fighters ever become Gotham criminals!

• When I use the word "thug", I'm using it in the comic book vernacular. That's a totally acceptable word to use to describe anybody Batgirl is kicking in the face. I am most certainly not using it like conservative politicians and their lackey talking heads use it! You know how they use it! They use it as a synonym for another word that I'm totally not going to type even though to type it in this context where I'm simply discussing it would certainly be appropriate! I'm even going to simply move on to something else before I make a wildly inappropriate joke about it!

• I didn't mean to suggest that I have a joke in mind! I just meant that I write these things in a stream of consciousness fashion and sometimes my unconscious speaks up louder than my conscious and before you know it, I've typed something truly terrible into the commentary! And apparently I love everything I write so much that I never use the backspace key.

• Speaking of the unconscious, I was dreaming last night the way that I dream every night. In my dream, somebody mentioned the word "stairs" in the title of something and I pictured a staircase before realizing that the person meant the word "stares". And in the dream, I thought about how that could happen when I was dreaming and realized that it totally made sense because my unconscious comes up with the dream and then surprises my conscious with it. So it's like my conscious mind is a little kid being read to be my unconscious mind. Then I continued to dream forgetting that I was dreaming.

My friend Paul once knocked himself out jumping off of a train trestle into a river. He almost drowned but was rescued by two teens doing mushrooms who were hanging out on the bank of the river. Afterward, he repeatedly asked me what happened. I was worried he was severely concussed so I asked him, "Do you know who you are?" He answered, "I'm Batman!" That's how I knew he was fine.

• Paul is the friend I mentioned previously who has only ever read three books in his life. Of course, he may have read more since high school. I should ask him! Although if he only read three in school, I can't imagine he really got interested in it afterward!

• Barbara learns that The Moth is deaf which was totally obvious to anybody who read last issue and who has also had an experience in their life where they completely embarrassed themselves by screaming at a deaf person because they were upset that the person wasn't paying any attention to them.

• Two girls come up to Babs after the fight and scream about how cool she was. I guess they love watching people get humiliated in the ring! I know I do!

• Barbara can't remember the fight because she got knocked out and she probably has a concussion. That's kind of how those things work. But apparently, in the world of comic books, she can remember the fight by purposely bypassing her short term memory to check the fight on her long term memory which is totally okay because she has that eidetic memory thing. Yeah, that's how that works! I mean, it might be! What am I? A neurologist? I don't even know how to spell that!

This translation isn't accurate. I don't see any punctuation in that tattoo! Stupid American rules about punctuation and quotation marks!

• For some reason, Batgirl realizes Kai is in danger. I thought he was on an airplane headed for China? I guess Batgirl wasn't knocked out long enough to miss him. I still don't know why she knows he's in danger! Just because The Moth had the same tattoo that the Sailor Geisha had? I guess her realization is better than suddenly seeing a news story on a television set in a department store window that was describing Kai being attacked by ninjas.

• Just as Batgirl surmised, The Moth, dressed up like a ninja, is attacking Kai! Or locked him in a closet, anyway. I guess she just wanted him to miss his flight?

• Batgirl punches The Moth out of a window of the skyscraper. I guess she assumed that The Moth could fly because her name is The Moth. Luckily, her assumption was right and The Moth glides to safety, even if it's by a completely insane circuitous route where she bounces off of a bunch of well-lit windows on her way to the ground.

• Barbara gets annoyed at Kai because he won't tell her that he's really a supervillain. I'm not saying he is one! But Babs only gets angry because he won't admit to being one.

• Batgirl does a lot of thinking in thought bubbles which makes her look way old. Doesn't she know that the cool thing to do is to think in Narration Boxes now? What an old timey loser!

• I actually prefer the thought bubbles. They make more sense. You never get a character using thought bubbles to think, "My name is Barbara Gordon. I'm Batgirl. You might remember me from television and comic books."

• Batgirl figures out what Kai is up to when some guy on the plane to Korea tries to sell her some probiotic additive. She realizes Kai is working with somebody who majored in bioencryption so he must be smuggling information in his gut flora! Or something. It totally made sense to Batgirl when she miraculously made the connections.

• Once in South Korea, Batgirl's first stop is to search The Moth's locker at the gym without a search warrant!

Yeah! What's a stupid blockheaded fighter doing learning science!? So suspicious!

• Batgirl heads over to the other location she was investigating due to the clues she was following so she could solve the mystery. But the only mystery she solves is The Case of the Batgirl Who Fell Into A Trap! But at least one of the Students setting the trap for her tells her where teacher is: Shanghai! But that's where Kai went! OH NO!

The Ranking!
0! I have no feelings at all for this issue. I didn't hate it or like it. I bet if I ran into the wall headfirst and completely forgot about having read it, I wouldn't feel any different than I do right now!

Batgirl #2

This hardly looks like Batgirl at all!

The Commentary!
At least for close to forever, I'm hanging up the Batgirl Diary entries. Here's the last bit I wrote to start this commentary before looking around for my Writer's Card to tear it up and shove it up my own ass. Luckily I was never issued one so my ass is still card-free.

Dear Diary,
Last night I had a sex dream that I was sexing this guy really good! It was my first time and I was understandably nervous about giving a good performance. Luckily, Josie Long was standing by the side of my bed giggling and giving me tips and encouragement. She was so cute that I stopped having sex and went out for coffee with her. Then I woke up and had to change my sheets in the dark before Kai woke up wondering why everything was moist and musky. I should set my alarm to wake up before Kai more often because I'm pretty sure he had an erection under the blankets! I mean, it could have just been the way the blankets were rumpled. But I'm going to choose to believe it was his penis straining to see my vagina as it leaked all over the bed.

I think I've written enough of these entries to get my point across. If you didn't know what my point was and don't want to read anything ever (no matter how hilarious it is), here it is: teenage girls think about sex. Most of the females who just read that are probably saying, "Der!", with one hand stuck down the front of their trousers. I think the other people who already totally had that information were really good-looking teenage boys.

Batgirl has found herself in Singapore with her totally platonic friend Kai. I guess "platonic friend" is defined as "the shadow on the wall of a friend who you can never really know and if you did, you'd probably be too horrified to be their friend." When I was in Singapore, I went on some quick bus tour to take us to the bar where the Singapore Sling was invented so we could get drunk on famous old timey drinks. Here was the tour guide's joke: Singapore! It is a fine city!" Then he laughed and explained how you get fined for everything. I wish he'd gotten fined for that joke.

Batgirl has decided that she wants to be different from all of the other superheroes so she has come up with an invention: the thought bubble!

Everything is not brand new! It's just clean because nobody can litter, spit, chew gum, spray paint walls, scuff their shoes, urinate in public, or cough too loudly without being fined or caned or worse!

The drone Batgirl is after was trying to spy on her and Kai in their hotel room. Oh my! Maybe they're less platonic than I realized! Why else would the drone be spying on them? To shoot video of them reading books on opposite sides of the hotel room?

Batgirl follows the drone back to its source and finds a guy jerking off in front of his computer with all the porn his drone went to the store to buy. Drones can do that? I've got to get a drone! I totally want to...oh! I see what he was doing! Just pretend all of the stuff I already typed was me trying to convince everybody that peeping is a terrible thing to do. I mean, it totally is! But it is a little exciting to see somebody naked in a window on accident! So I might be able to see how it would be exciting to have that happen not on accident too! Although, yes, yes, that's creepy and an invasion of privacy and not a cool thing to do, bro. But still exciting!

Batgirl remembers her memories to get her next lead on the "Kai attacked by Sailor Geisha" mystery. She remembers that Sailor Geisha had an awful tattoo on her left bicep in Chinese that meant "student". Why would anybody get that tattoo?! What do you do once you graduate and become a master?! Batgirl doesn't care about that. She just begins to wonder who the master is and if the master has a tattoo that says "Master". At least that one is probably pretty easy to turn into "Grandmaster".

Then Batgirl makes a face like somebody just stuck a finger up her butt.

Why did I scan that picture when the very first panel on the very next page is of Batgirl in the shower?! What a missed opportunity! But I guess I'll just have to live with my decision because I can't put two scanned pictures so close together. If you want to see Batgirl in the shower and then in a robe that's totally hanging open in nearly all of the right places, you'll have to get your own copy. Or just Google "Batgirl Rule 34". That might actually be better.

I just googled it. It's not! Maybe my Google is broken because it was a relatively mild selection of images. Is there a new SafeSearch setting? "On", "Off", and "No, Really, Turn It Off. I Want To See The Inside Of A Butthole"?

Babs has some research to do concerning Sailor Geisha even though Babs doesn't have any idea what that's about. Her friend Kai is in some kind of trouble and Fruit Bat, the Japanese Batgirl from the 40s, pointed Babs to a martial arts tournament in Singapore. Babs goes to sign up with a gym but the Cobra Kais turn her down because they're sexist dicks. That leaves Babs to find a gym run by a woman named May Hao. They're going to show those boys a thing or two! Did that sentence arouse anybody else?

Babs decides to go undercover in the mixed martial arts circuit and uses the alias "Amy Beddoes". That's her old Suicide Squad alias! I have nothing else to say about that!

Babs discovers Batgirl isn't as good at Mixed Martial Arts as she thought she was. So she trains for a bit in preparation for maybe getting into the tournament before heading back to the hotel where she finds Kai has upgraded them to a super expensive suite in a place called the Marina Bay Sands. I guess that's fancy? Now Babs is really suspicious of Kai because he just keeps showing more and more evidence that he's a super villain.

Possible super villain what now?

If fucking a super villain is good enough for Batman then it had damn better be good enough for Batgirl too! I hope Kai's super villain name is Catboy.

After kissing Kai, Barbara decides to overthink where their relationship is going for an entire week instead of just diving in and living life. One week of her life doesn't have to be fifty years! Trust your sexual arousal, Babs! Although when Kai says, "When I look at you, I see a whole future," my first thought is, "Whew! Good thing Babs didn't sleep with him!" The problem with ditching a guy who is enamored with you is that if you don't have sex with him, he'll continue to pursue you no matter how many times you tell him you aren't going to have sex with him. And if you do have sex with him, it just gets worse! Guys in love are impossible! It's like you're just going about your life and then suddenly you've stepped in a bear trap and you can't escape and that bear trap is some nerd who thinks you're made for each other! Although Kai is good looking enough to lose himself in a whole bunch of meaningless sexual conquests. The real trouble is when you're kind to a nerd who isn't charming and attractive and that nerd somehow gets his leechy mandibles attached to you. Good luck convincing some other female to take that bullet for you!

Friday comes around and Kai is preparing to leave for Shanghai while Babs still has some fighting and investigating to do. If she doesn't get her bell rung too hard at her fight against "The Moth," maybe she'll still have time to lose her virginity before Kai leaves. Or maybe she'll need to severely get her bell rung for that to happen?

Babs notices The Moth also has a student tattoo. She's found a new lead! Which is followed immediately by being knocked out in the ring and probably losing all respect in the Singaporean MMA community. Plus she'll probably still be unconscious as Kai's plane leaves. Oh well. Maybe Rebirth isn't the DC Universe for Babs to get laid in.

Batgirl #1

Dear Diary!
Guess who's in Japan?! If I said I was drunk on beers I snuck out of a vending machine down on the corner, would that be a hint?! I've been sitting on the toilet for the last hour spraying my butthole with warm water while trying to learn the language. So far I've learned how to say neko, usagi, and risu, just in case I needed to describe the animals following me around because I'm a goddamned princess! I also learned that my butt was oshiri so that I could describe, in Japanese, what I was doing while trying to learn Japanese. Then I decided a good way to say fart would be to say oshiri kaze because I already knew, being a practical genius, that kamikaze meant divine wind. I'm still learning, Diary, so don't tell anybody I said any of these things because people who actually know how to speak Japanese will probably shake their heads and judge me for being such a cute and whimsical moron!

Learning Japanese isn't all I've been doing! I've also been masturbating furiously because warm water shooting up my butthole feels way better than I ever thought it could! I think I'm one of those people who is into butt-stuff! It's so true that you learn a lot about yourself when you travel! But when I can manage to drag myself out of my hotel room bathroom, I've been having a huge adventure! Want to hear about it, Diary? Of course you do! You love hearing the adventures of a grown ass woman hopefully right up at the edge of the cusp of losing her sexual innocence! That's nice girl talk for getting fucked right in the vagina! I should probably practice talking like a bad girl because I am so ready to be bad! Not that having sex or not having sex is good or bad! I mean, I'm sick of not having sex so I guess, for me, not having sex is bad. Really bad! So bad my vagina has turned blue! I'm afraid it might turn black soon and fall off if it doesn't get some of that Vitamin D!

Oh! So anySwayze, my Japanese adventures! I'll try not to fetishize my adventures as being somehow more mystical and magical than normal Gotham adventures because I don't want to be racist by loving something too much! That's apparently almost as bad as being racist for hating something too much! I'll keep my love of Japan within socially acceptable limits! Although what the fuck (I'm going to start writing "fuck" in you a lot more, Diary! It's in preparation for being a super satisfied woman who fucks!) is up with the Japanese love of Pachinko?! That shit is nuts! I suppose it isn't too different from slot machines, really. And kind of more entertaining. Plus you can win toasters and blenders and curling irons! Most of them with Hello Kitty painted on! Ooh! Did I sound British just then?! I'm International Batgirl now!

Ready to meet 100% of the Japanese men who want to initiate her into the wonders of the non-self-induced orgasm!

Diary, do I think about sex too much? I think I think about sex too much! But I think I only think about sex too much because I haven't had any yet! I bet once I have sex, I'll be all, "So that's what that's about! That's pretty terrific and all and I can see why I'd want to do it again (a lot!) but now I can concentrate on things that aren't sex because I finally know what it feels like!" I wonder if I already knows what it feels like anyway, Diary? I mean, how different can it feel to have a penis inside your vagina over a carrot?

I just grossed myself out! Why did I stick a carrot inside of me?! That's a goddamned dirty root vegetable! I should have used a cucumber! Ugh! My vagina is so dirty! I need to go wash it off with the Japanese spritzing toilet now! Be right back!

Wow. Okay! I'm back! And ready to concentrate fully on telling my story which, I have to say, I'm slightly disappointed revolves around me fighting a bad girl in a sailor scout school uniform wearing Geisha makeup. I mean, come on, Japan?! Can you be any more cliché?!

But let me start at the beginning! I don't want to start like a crappy comic book where I start with some exciting action and then, two pages in, go back to the boring ass beginning of the story and tell it in a linear fashion until I get to the part where I started and should have kept going in the first place! I'd rather just start at the beginning boring of the story because my vagina didn't think that part was so boring at all! I got to the hostel I was staying at and discovered my roommate was a man! I resisted sitting directly on his face which is a good thing because I probably wouldn't have recognized him if I'd done that. But I didn't sit on his face and I did recognize him: Kai! You don't know Kai, Diary, because I've never written about him in you. I think I wrote about him in the you before you which wasn't you but was still my Diary. I think The Joker stole that Diary or something. I'm pretending to forget (since, you know, I don't forget anything. What a shit existence!).

I sat on Kai's bed right up against him as I explained to him why I was in Japan while ruining my underwear.

I didn't become a cop! I became a hero! Kind of the same thing. But that probably means Kai became a...super villain! I should pay more attention to the foreshadowing in my life!

Kai's sister became the cop and my brother became the serial killer. Did that mean Kai was also a serial killer?! I didn't want to know! At least not until my vagina had asked his penis what it's been up to all of these years! Hopefully getting good at sexing! I mean, we were already sharing a room. We were practically already doing it! Plus we had drinks later!

You might think you know where this is going, Diary. But never forget! My vagina seems to be made of Penisbane. And even when my vagina seems to be doing everything right, fate steps in and gives my future vagina ruiner food poisoning! ARG! I'm like Charlie Brown and fate is Lucy and every time I try to sit on a cock, fate pulls it out from under me!

Okay, okay, Diary! I'm getting to the adventure! The totally normal adventure that wasn't super exciting simply because it was set against the backdrop of Japan! So Kai and I went to this super important Japanese festival thing the next day. I wanted to meet Fruit Bat and ask her about being a superhero like eighty years ago. Kai wanted to take some pictures and get into trouble. And he did! He was attacked by that person I mentioned earlier who was wearing a schoolgirl uniform and wearing clown makeup! I mean Geisha makeup! Oh boy! I didn't mean to be insensitive to the cultural traditions of the mystic land I was a guest in! I just meant it wasn't put on well at all! A Geisha would have been embarrassed to be seen in that makeup! And not normal embarrassed where they giggle behind a fan! Like, really embarrassed where they run from the room and commit seppuku!

I'm so embarrassed I said this out loud! At least I didn't post it on Twitter! I'd have been flayed alive!

So this is the part where it gets exciting because nobody called me out on the Sailor Clown line which shows so much insensitivity to the culture that I should probably just delete my Twitter account on principle. Sailor Clown (I can say that in my Diary! Because, come on, it was a pretty good line!) was about to get away from me when she was stopped by...drum roll...Fruit Bat! Holy Moses! She's 104 years old and she's still fighting crime! From that day forward, I vowed to tell everybody that Batgirl was based on Fruit Bat and not Batman!

Fruit Bat drives away Sailor Clown and, before Fruit Bat collapses back in her wheelchair, I managed to get a few words with her! She told me to forget about my past which is totally convenient because I feel like Burnside was another universe and I've got to begin a new universe with a clean slate and a clean vagina! It felt like my Rebirth! I need to stop obsessing over my past and begin seeking out my future! I was finally going to get laid! Plus I learned about a mixed martial arts tournament in Singapore that I totally figured I could win.

Later that day, Kai came back to the room and was all, "You're Batgirl!" And I was all, "What?! Ha ha! Crazy! No way! Um, what?!" And he was all, "I totally guessed it because you live in Gotham and Batgirl lives in Gotham and now you're in Japan and Batgirl is in Japan! And at the same festival!" And I was all, "Farts! Why do I make this shit so obvious?!" But then I also thought this amazing thought: "Kai and I have known each other a long time and he seems to be in trouble and I'm a hero and what always happens to a hero who gets mixed up with a person who is always in trouble? ROMANCE! I'm going to have a romantic relationship with somebody who is totally wrong for me!" And so I invited Kai to Singapore with me!

Oh, vagina! We are so goddamned close!

The Review!
My comic book is the best comic book. I mean, this comic book is so great it's greater than all of the other comic books ever. I mean, did you see her butt in some of those panels? It's delicious, isn't it?! So hot! I would do me. I mean her! If you buy one comic book per month, buy Nightwing. But if you buy two, get Batgirl too! Then stack the two comic books together! But not like normal! Make them 69! Oh yeah. That's good comic book stacking.