New Titans #97

"Darkening" is a stupid word and its use here makes me think this is a parody comic book.

I think I just hit on why this run of the Titans was so terrible! It was an inadvertent parody comic book. In DC's effort to create their own X-men franchise, they attempted to paste together all the things they thought made the franchise so popular. What they got was a Frankenstein's monster of ideas and poorly written characters. I can't say that the X-men was any better at the time since I didn't read it. But it didn't translate very well to DC's piss poor clone.

If people wonder why I've been conditioned to think Cyborg is boring, Beast Boy is a sexual predator, Nightwing is a whiny asshole, and Starfire is a raging rageaholic, look no further than this series! I read over one hundred issues of this shit for some reason. I think it's because my brain wasn't fully formed! I began reading this comic book at about thirteen. By the time this issue comes out, I'd be twenty-one. I guess my brain was formed enough at this point that I probably should have realized it was terrible. But to be fair to my brain, it was now being inundated with alcohol and LSD. So it was having trouble communicating to me how terrible Marv Wolfman's writing was.

The issue begins with Garfield stealing his father's Mento helmet for The Brotherhood of Evil. They've promised to restore Cyborg in exchange. More like they're probably going to put The Brain inside Cyborg's body! Think these things through, Garfield!

Next, Kory gets angry at Dick because he was raped by Mirage.

Kory is gross.

You might think I'm coloring the past by today's standards but I read this nearly 25 years ago when it was new and it was just as terrible back then. You can't be angry at a guy for liking the rape sex! I don't think. Can you? Now I'm confused. I suppose Kory is masking her victim blaming by taking the whole "you don't love me enough to recognize my vagina" tack which still seems cruel. I'm pretty sure if I was blindfolded and you stuck a bunch of vaginas on my penis, I don't think I'd be able to tell which one was the Non-Certified Spouse's vagina. We should probably test my theory! I wonder if the Non-Certified Spouse would be up for some science this weekend?

Kory decides to break up with Dick while telling him that he deserves to be with his rapist. Stay classy, Starfire!

"If I had a girlfriend like that, I'd totally avoid being raped!"

In all seriousness though (because rape is a serious subject), a guy being fucked by a woman without his consent isn't always the worst thing in the world. Sometimes it's just as bad which is why I'm not supposed to say things like that previous sentence. But sometimes? It's just more sex with women that a guy wasn't expecting! That's nearly always a good thing! I'm speaking from personal experience so you can't attack me for that opinion! Unless I'm just suppressing my pain and anger at waking up to that woman fucking me that one time. No, no. I don't think I am. I'm not suggesting women should use that move though! At least not for a first time. I actually am suggesting that move for people who are already in an intimate relationship because it's pretty hot.

Aw geez. Now Dick's blaming himself! Good fucking job, Kory!

Marv Wolfman has no idea how to deal with rape sensitively! I should know. Have you been reading the way I've been dealing with it?!

So this is how darkening happens! You make deals with criminals to save your best boring friend's life. You get super angry that your boyfriend was fooled into fucking another woman. You get blamed for enjoying the rape sex by your girlfriend! And probably some other things although I don't know if there are really any Titans left after that Titans Hunt story arc. I guess Pantha and Baby Wildebeest?

However much sympathy I had for Dick as his days were beginning to darken, it all went out the window after he calls Alfred to help solve his problems.

"When you talk to her, her head echoes"? Fuck you, Dick! I stand with Kory!

On the next page, Raven decides it's time to take care of Councilwoman Alderman once and for all. So she rapes her. Look, Marv Wolfman wrote this comic book and he called it "The Darkening." Did you expect less rape?

This is how Kory wanted Dick to react, I guess.

Nightwing meets with Speedy (now going by Super Special Secret Sauce Agent Roy Harper of Checkmate) to discuss how the government hates the Titans. I don't blame them. They're almost to issue #100 and I think they've maybe acted heroically about four times? Every other time they're called into action it's simply to defend themselves. The city would be attacked less if they simply moved to the country.

There's a scene in Azarath where the person I thought was Raven stomps on Raven's bones and destroy's Phantasm's mask. So unless it's Evil Raven trying to separate herself from her humanity, I suppose I was wrong about accusing Raven of raping the Councilwoman. I don't remember who this is. I hope they don't spend twenty issues revealing who it is. They already did that bullshit in the Wildebeest story.

Finally, Plasmus reveals the plans of The Brotherhood of Evil. They will use the Mento helmet to revive The Brain and take over the world!

When did Mallah go punk? Or is that New Wave?

New Titans #97 Rating: Zero stars out of one star. You might think that's a better score than zero stars out of a million stars but you'd be wrong. Zero is a funny thing, you know? Nothing in this issue interested me which means it's a mystery as to why I purchased issue #98. I guess because I couldn't not find out how The Darkening ended?! It's so mysterious!

Who thinks anything in comic books is an accurate representation of anything in real life? Paul N. Hicks, I'm shaking my damn head at you from twenty five years in the future.

Titans $ell-out! #1 (1992)

I really should have asked because this comic book is terrible.

This issue marks the passing of the baton from editor Jon “I Love To Add Fake Middle Names To My Name To Make Me Seem Cool and This One Will Be ‘The Titans Need to Be More Like the X-Men!’” Peterson to Rob Simpson. This is the actual baton passing and not the first comic book of Rob Simpson since they’re both listed as editors. Maybe Rob was assistant editor all along. How should I know? It’s not like I have the curiosity or passion to take the previous issue out of the mylar and check! And since both are credited, I don’t know who to blame for encouraging Marv Wolfman to go in this Teeny Titans direction. Who wants to read a cartoon drawn by the letterer?!

The Titans have decided that since they’re constantly being sued and their property is constantly blowing up (usually from crashing into buildings in New York which is why they keep getting sued), they need some kind of revenue stream that doesn’t rely on Batman’s mysteriously deep pockets. No wait. I think they all know Batman is Bruce Wayne, right? He wasn’t that paranoid about his identity back then, right? Anyway, they all knew Nightwing was Dick Grayson and I’m pretty sure they’re all geniuses (except for Beast Boy (er, Changeling)), it wouldn’t be hard to figure out that Batman is Bruce Wayne. So to make money, they sign a bunch of contracts so toy companies and cartoon producers and comic book companies can use their names and images. I don’t know why anybody pays the Team Titans for anything. Nobody knows who they are!

Anyway, the Titans soon realize that they’ve given the green light to use their names and images on truly shoddy merchandise and possibly the most terrible cartoon I’ve ever seen/read. It’s calle Teeny Titans and I suspect they were trying to tie it to the popularity of Tiny Toon Adventures. Except the cartoon’s premise is more like Muppet Babies and the writing is horrible. I wonder if Marv and Jon and Rob and John ever even watched an episode of Tiny Toons?

Apparently this goofy ass shit that I’m fairly certain is supposed to be funny continues in the next issue of Deathstroke the Terminator where he is dead. So, um, ha ha?

New Titans #93 (December 1992)

I’m not sure why this is the final issue of “Titans $ell-out” because nothing is really resolved. The Titans are getting royalty checks and fan mail and have just moved on with their lives. Leonid is about to take Cyborg back to Russia to finally get him that exciting personality he’s been missing for so long (spoiler alert: he has yet to find one) but that’s about all that happens, plotwise. The main point of this issue is the Starfire centerfold inserted into it for all the young males and lesbians to jerk off to. But it was really Mirage, so don’t think Starfire has become a total cumdumpster just yet! That doesn’t happen until The New 52's Red Hood and the Outlaws #1. Not that being a cumdumpster is a bad thing! I’m not judging! How can I judge when I’m a filler of cumdumpsters? One could do worse than be a filler of cumdumpsters! That’s Frost again!

Judging by the amount of boners Changeling pops in this issue, Mirage as Starfire poses for some pretty nasty pictures in this magazine. I should probably post the centerfold, right? For, you know, feminist research purposes!

Why doesn't she have super long pubes?

Also in this issue: another terrible Teeny Titans cartoon.

I feel like this is the first issue Jon Peterson was definitely sacked from and Marv Wolfman was allowed to take control again. Mostly because we’re headed back into Marv Wolfman territory. He’s planning on reestablishing Cyborg as a character instead of a leashed, non-threatening, defanged . . . um, I don’t like where this is going. Plus Phantasm winds up back in Azaroth where he’s destroyed by some creature with whom he’s familiar. So whoever that is, it’s definitely going to be a character Marv Wolfman thought was taken away from him by editorial and he wants that character back. So it’s probably Joseph but I suppose it could be the person the comic book wants you to think it is: Trigon! Or maybe Raven housing Trigon’s soul and sucking on Joseph Wilson’s, um, sideburns?

Maybe this whole batch of “sell-out” themed issues was just Marv Wolfman’s reaction to Jon Peterson’s attempt to simply turn DC’s Teen Titans into an clone of the X-men? So he concocted this whole Sell-out thing as a fuck you to Peterson on his way out. “Thanks for fucking up my comic book, asshole! Now I’m going to make Changeling call a couple of women ‘sloppy seconds’! Try and stop me now, asshole!”

I embrace my vulgar, low brow humor and even I wouldn't call a woman "sloppy seconds." Cumdumpster, sure! But sloppy seconds? So uncouth!

New Titans #92 (November 1992)

“My Mother–My Enemy!” Is this about me?!

Marv Wolfman improves his time travel story immensely by pointing out that Lord Chaos is from an alternate future timeline. He doesn’t explain it in any great detail which is probably for the best because he stumbled onto one of the main ways that time travel would work if it existed. We can assume that the Lord Chaos timeline is the main Titans Universe timeline. And when I say “main,” I really mean “only.” There aren’t automatically infinite universes just because we like to really, really, really fucking believe in free will. There’s just the one. But! Here’s the time travel part. If time travel exists in that one timeline, a person can go forward in time and remain on that timeline. It doesn’t change anything except that the person disappears and later reappears down the timeline in the future. But if the person travels to the past, they create a forking timeline. This new timeline is exactly the same in every way with the original timeline right up until the moment that the time traveller appeared in it. At that point, the line skews off to the side and develops its own branch. The original timeline is completely unchanged but now minus the time traveller who basically leapt off and erased himself from that reality. That’s the version of time travel happening here. I approve.

The other form of time travel that I approve of is the Lost version where everything that happened, happened. Time is one imprint. So if a person in 2016 goes back to hang out at a Bon Jovi concert in 1987, he’ll always have been at that Bon Jovi concert. There is no “revisting” 1987. It all just happens at once. Time doesn’t care that the person technically, if you’re forced to view things in a linear pattern, hasn’t been born yet. Time is not constrained by the same rules that prison our perception.

On the other hand, I once more strongly disapprove of the Titans. Once again, they aren’t saving the world, or innocents, or any single thing in danger except for themselves. The only reason this conflict exists is because Donna Troy exists. The Titans are merely fighting to save themselves from a threat that doesn’t exist if they don’t. That isn’t being a hero. That’s just trying to survive. Plus, just like always, the trouble is caused by family!

New Titans #91 (October 1992)

Well, it’s what he’s been called so far, so why not?

The big question raised in this issue is this: how can adult Lord Chaos from the future and baby Lord Chaos from the present exist in the same space and time?

I know, I know! It’s a stupid question! Everybody knows the answer is “Because of time travel, you stupid knob.” But apparently everybody realizes that some cosmic law of the physical universe would somehow be broken if two versions of the same person were to exist in the same place and they’re all freaking out about it now. Nobody fucking questioned time travel though. “Oh! You’re here from the future? Oh yeah? Cool! Come hang out! But don’t call up your past version of yourself because the rates are crazy or something. I don’t know. Whatever.”

Obviously this stupid question which should never even have been thought to ask is being asked for plot reasons. Is Lord Chaos not really Donna’s baby? Seems like that’s the whole point of the question! Although I hope that isn’t what’s going on because if the baby isn’t killed by the Team Titans, does that mean Donna is going to have to deal with a baby from here on out? Ugh! Disgusting!

New Titans #90 (September 1992)

In this issue, Starfire finds out that Dick had sex with another woman. Of course, Dick didn’t know the other woman wasn’t Starfire, so he should totally get a pass on this one. Although did he really not know it wasn’t Starfire? There’s a scene at the end where Deathstroke sees Mirage as Starfire walking down the halls at STAR Labs and he instantly realizes it’s not Kory by her movements and attitude. I’m supposed to believe Deathstroke is more perceptive than Dick Grayson?

That’s not the only evidence that Dick knew! When it comes out he has slept with this impostor Starfire, Kory says, “Dick! You slept with another woman?!” And Dick is all, “I didn’t know it wasn’t you! I’m the victim!” And Kory is all, “Then why can’t you stop grinning and why are you high-fiving Changeling?!” What a bastard!

The New Titans #88 (July 1992)

Nightwing gets a long overdue costume change and it works. Starfire gets a costume change and it’s terrible. Luckily the Starfire in the new horrible costume is actually Mirage. Hopefully Kory won’t keep it when she returns from wherever she’s being held captive . . . again!

Baby Wildebeest continues to be played up as the main draw of the comic book although every scene with him is just Pantha grousing and not killing him as he destroys Steve Dayton’s home. Why Pantha is putting up with all this Titans nonsense, I have no idea. Maybe Dayton is giving her a per diem.

My main question is how long did Jonathan Peterson work on this comic book trying to make into the X-men? I mean, they've fucking living in a mansion now.

The New Titans #87 (June 1992)

Pantha’s tail still looks more like a turd that won’t let go than a tail. Why is it coming out from between her ass cheeks?!

This issue was called “Reflections” which means a lot of people learned things about themselves that they hadn’t realized before. I think. Is that how mirrors work? You look into them and, if you’re ready to change and you’re a deep thinker and you’re not in your teens, you go, “Whoa! I’m like not like I was like at all!” LSD helps. No wait. The opposite of that. Don't look into a mirror while on LSD.

The issue would have been better if the entire thing was just a farce following Baby Wildebeest around. Usually I don’t want a story to embrace the “baby trope” but I’ll make an exception for this one. Mostly because the Titans are uninteresting, selfish assholes who have never once helped humanity who make a Scrappy Doo character seem like a move in the right direction. Plus, this issue devoted far too many pages to some Russian subplot that only fans of Red Star give a damn about. Normally this is where I’d tease fans of Red Star figuring that there really aren’t any but the Internet has shown me that no matter how uninteresting, bland, boring, or mundane a character is, some idiot will declare them their favorite!

The New Titans #86 (May 1992)

Nobody fights anybody for leadership! They only fight because they’re sad that Joseph is dead! You know how those wakes can get out of hand when one guy is all “He was my best friend!” and then some other guy is all “What?! He said he was my best friend!” Then they put down their scotches and cigars and begin punching each other in the face while some woman leans over to some other guy and says, “Who uses the term ‘best friend’ out of junior high?” Then those two go in a closet and fuck.

Some other stuff happened during this story but it’s too boring to go into. Oh, all right! I’ll tell you: I drooled a little bit on my pillow and might have snored.

The New Titans #85 (April 1992)

Councilwoman Alderman wants the Titans out of New York City. I suppose she’s supposed to be the “bad” guy in the conflict but it’s hard not to be on her side. The latest Wildebeest fiasco is just more proof that the destruction to the city caused by the Titans’ battles isn’t collateral damage sustained while the Titans are busy saving New York citizens. It was — just like every time — damage caused when a villain explicitly attacks the Titans. If the Titans hadn’t been in New York for the last 85 issues, New York would have been a much safer place to live. I stand with Councilwoman Alderman!

Also this issue, the birth of Baby Wildebeest! That exclamation point was sarcastic.

The New Titans #84 (March 1992)

The Wildebeest Saga, aka Titans Hunt, is finally over! And all it took was for Raven, Arella, and Danny Chase to sacrifice their lives to cleanse the souls of the Azarathans tainted by Trigon! That’s not such a high price to pay, right? I mean, sure, Raven’s a huge loss. But the loss of Danny Chase is an even bigger gain! Although, technically, Danny Chase’s “soul” still exists. It merged with Raven’s and maybe Arella’s to become the ego of the new Phantasm.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot the best part! Baby Wildebeest is here! Hmm. Maybe I’m using the wrong word. Is “best” the word most people use to describe Scrappy Doo?

The New Titans #83 (February 1992)

Here’s the thing about declaring “the most shocking last page in Titans history” right on the cover. It makes the last page not exciting because it’s obviously going to be Slade killing Joseph. And I don’t say that simply because Slade spoiled the shocking ending in his own monthly comic, or because I’ve read this comic before. I say it because this is the way of the entertainment world. They’d rather spoil the story for regular consumers of the media for the possible bump in sales figures or eyeballs by drawing in new consumers with their hyperbolic claims. This happens on televsion shows all the time. Commercials claim the must see last five minutes of a show and regular viewers easily guess what’s going to happen because they’re familiar with the story and where it’s going. I’d much rather be actually shocked by the ending of a show or comic book. You’d have to be a huge dolt to not guess the ending of a book or movie that’s hyped as having the biggest twist ending or espousing some shocking revelation. It’s why The Sixth Sense was so good and every other M. Night Shyamalan movie sucked. It’s why I completely ruined the experience when my ex-girlfriend desperately needed me to watch Hitchcock’s Rebecca and, knowing Hitchcock, I wouldn’t stop guessing at the upcoming twist. I don’t remember if I guessed it because I don’t remember the movie at all because, as I just said earlier, I totally ruined it with my constant guessing.

In summary, this comic book would have been better if everybody involved had just kept their stupid mouths shut.

The New Titans #82 (January 1992)

I guess the secret was kind of revealed. Although it was this exact same secret as revealed on the cover and never really elaborated on. Apparently the actual identity of the original Wildebeest leader doesn’t matter and never really did. It was just a bunch of criminals each with their own agenda leasing the Wildebeest costume for their own ends. Or near enough to that, anyway. Joseph Wilson just took over the organization for his own nefarious purposes because they had the technology to transfer minds into new bodies and to grow new bodies out of giant thumbs.

Joseph Wilson being the enemy is just another day in the life of the Titans battling a loved one. And apparently Joseph turning evil is the exact same thing since he was taken over by the souls of Azarath who are Raven’s people.

Meanwhile, the future Teen Titans are hunting the Titans in the past because the Titans, loving tradition, have another family member threatening to destroy the world in the future: Donna’s son, Lord Chaos.

No wonder the Titans are so desperate to think of each other as family. They’ve all learned that actual family fucking sucks.

The New Titans #81 (December 1991)

This issue exists for no reason. None. Nothing happens. Well, mostly nothing happens. Terry Long cries like a fucking pusshole for most of it. What an asshole.

The New Titans #80 (November 1991)

Look at me with another Collector’s Issue! What a smart investment!

More of that bullshit where people from the future are sent into the past to change the past so that the future never happens. I’d rather a writer just confessed that they didn’t have any good ideas rather than pulling this fucking bullshit.

I mean, this is super exciting time travel stuff! The Teen Titans have been sent back in time to kill Donna Troy before she can give birth to Lord Chaos who will age into a twenty-eight year old despot as soon as he’s born and take over the world! They really don’t want to kill Donna but they can’t think of any other way to defeat Lord Chaos. Don’t they know about abortions in 2001? Oh, um, that was the future when this was published in 1991!

The New Titans Annual #7 (1991)

Peterson: “You know what would be great, Marv?”
Wolfman: “A handjob?”
Peterson: “No! I mean, of course! But later! No, what I was thinking was a great new original story idea!”
Wolfman: “Does it have my Titans in it? Because I’d really like to get the Titans back into the story. It’s been ten months and only Nightwing as a Wildebeest and Cyborg as a braindead toaster have appeared! I miss writing jokes!”
Peterson: “Come on, Marv! Your best joke is Gar calling Cyborg a rust bucket and Cyborg calling Gar Saladhead! Comics have moved on, baby! They need drama! They need time travel! They need X-men! I mean, young super heroes working together to stop the past from becoming the future by time traveling!”
Wolfman: “You do know you aren’t working for Marvel, right? I know it can get confusing.”
Peterson: “Babe, you’re just going to have to grow with the business. This is the way things are now! The world loving heroes is out! People fearing heroes is in, Tight-Crotch! Change or move over, Beardy!”
Wolfman: “Well, can I at least give one of the Team Titans characters a rapey backstory?”
Peterson: “Of course! That’s practically mandatory, Sweet Nuts!”

The New Titans #79 (September 1991)

New editor Jonathan Peterson came on board The New Titans around the seventieth issue and was all, “Hey guys! I have this great new direction we can take the Titans!” As he said this, he kicked his copy of X-men with Cable on the cover under the couch. “Get this: time traveling Teen Titans from the future! It’s going to . . . ooooggglllerrrruuuggh.” That’s the sound of somebody coming in their pants. You might not be familiar with it because the sound effect isn’t used often in comic books. “Oh!” he exclaimed while squirming uncomfortably in his now sticky pants, “And the team leader’s name will be Jon! Get it! Like me! Plus we’ll bring back Phoenix from the dead!” After a long argument in which Jonathan kept insisting that he did not say “Phoenix”, everybody realized he meant Terra.

This makes about nine or ten issues without the Teen Titans in it. Okay, Nightwing has been in it a little bit. And Donna Troy just returned to be kidnapped by an unknown person immediately. And Cyborg is back but he’s lost all trace of his humanity and is just a remote controlled robot. It’s all fairly typical of the Slash and Burn tactics of a new editor brought in to revitalize sales.

The Officious Little Toad isn’t wrong.

But the thing is . . . I want him to be wrong. I want Officer Hall to be correct in his assessment that the Titans are heroes and they’re good for the city. It’s just that . . . they’re not. Marv Wolfman fucked up by writing story after story of the Titans being attacked by angry family members or butthurt villains during which large parts of New York were destroyed. I wouldn’t even blame the occasional attack on Titans Tower by a disgruntled second cousin of a member if the Titans occasionally helped the city. But they haven’t. They may have stopped one or two muggers and perhaps a bank robbery. That’s it.

According to Rebirth, Geoff Johns has decided that Watchmen’s grimness ruined the DC Universe because it was a critical success. That’s not Watchmen’s fault. Watchmen was a critical success because it was so fucking well written. Is Alan Moore to blame for DC Comics getting the wrong message and deciding that grimdark was where it was at, no matter how shitty the writing? Was Frank Miller’s Dark Knight to blame for DC deciding to make Batman dour and mostly unlikeable on a personal level? I don’t think so. I think this kind of shit by Marv Wolfman and others is what fucked DC Comics.

I wouldn’t mind a story about a vindictive Councilwoman trying to get the Titans out of the city if the previous stories were about the Titans being heroes. Then I could root for the Titans and high five myself as the Councilwoman got her comeuppance. But I have to agree with the Officious Little Toad and Councilwoman Alderman. The Titans are bad for New York City. If Marv Wolfman wanted to bring real life consequences into the DC Universe of heroes, at least do it in a way where the heroes aren’t so obviously dangerous and destructive. At least when Adrian Veidt destroyed New York City, he was doing it to save the world. The Titans just destroy it every time they have a spat with a relative.

I think this is the first appearance of the Trinity of Sin in a stained glass window in a church in Hollywood!


Captain Hall, proving that he's not smarter than the Officious Little Toad, makes the worst analogy ever.

If I started to tabulate the amount of times Councilwoman Alderman acted heroically to save the city from the Titans, I'm pretty sure she'd rack up a higher Hero Score than the Titans in just a few issues.

The New Titans #77 (July 1991)

This issue spends most of the time building up the drama about who was “killed” in the rocket explosion. Too bad DC decided to go with this cover that practically spells it out for everybody.

Not much movement on the Wildebeest plot. One page of Jericho slicing his hand open and rambling.

This issue may be the first DC Comic I read where the people of a city began blaming the heroes for the collateral damage. It’s possible the Titans were blamed in an earlier issue as well but I don’t remember it. Of course, the Titans should be held responsible for the damage they cause to New York City because they’re never actually saving the world while doing so. They’re usually dealing with their Daddy Issues.

No, no. Gregory is right. It’s the Titans’ fault. Because they actually haven’t saved New York ever. At least not when they were saving it from danger not caused by their living there.

The New Titans #76 (June 1991)

Titans Tower is destroyed this issue and that’s pretty much the extent of it. There’s a lot of arguing about whose side Pantha is on because she’s a fickle beast.

The “Titans” engage in some discussion about who was on the rocket that exploded on the way to Moscow last issue. Judging by the cover of Issue #77, it was Cyborg. So this is when he gets his first upgrade and aesthetic makeover. I suppose it was about time. Wonder Girl got a new look and a new name. Jericho shaved his sideburns. And Garfield Logan got a mullet. Isn’t Nightwing due for a makeover too? It’s twenty years past the disco era, Dick. The collar has got to go.

The New Titans #75 (April 1991)

Holy fuck! So many Wildebeests! The cover is right! I’m shaking my stick like crazy and I can’t shake it at all of them! Although I do have a boner now.

Dick’s statement is not a statement of sheer disbelief on this cover. He means it logically. Wildebeest simply cannot be Joseph Wilson, aka Jericho. Unless all of those times Jericho said he was banging chicks after painting nudes of them, he was really being an evil mastermind obsessed with this whole Wildebeest Pyramid Scheme. Also he was just pretending to be mute, I guess. That seems, at least a little bit, politically incorrect. I mean, I don’t go around faking a limp so I can get the Cerebral Palsy discount at the Mustang Ranch.

I think Jericho went nuts when that asshat barber shaved off his sideburns some issues ago. Now he just looks like a grinning Rob Liefeld with a horrible perm. I’ll scan that picture in next because I have some other words to say about it!

Speakin of words to say about things, I’m really hoping Jericho chooses next issue to do the whole bad guy explanatory monologue thing because I really can’t fucking figure out how or why this is happening. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?! I do remember actually being upset about this revelation way back when because Jericho was the only likeable member of the Titans. So why not fuck that up, right Wolfman?! Prick. I blame the New Editor on the book, Mister Jonathan “I’m So Fucking Funny I Crack Myself Up Writing Letter Column Replies” Peterson.

Shouldn’t a father always know his own son’s name?!

Hey Tony S. Daniel and James Bonny?! See how Douchéstork reacts to finding out Wildebeest is his son here? See how Nightwing reacts? Nightwing calls him Jericho because that’s his teammate and Dick is a consummate professional who knows to use codenames at all times. See how Jericho’s loving father knows and uses Jericho’s actual name?! That’s a father who cares about his son! Your Douchéstork has not once used Joseph’s real name! Because he doesn’t know it, right?! He’s an absentee father who never really gave a fuck about Rose and Joe and Grant, right? He just wants to seem like he cares about something when he’s really just a psychopath who cares only about his reputation and money.

Also, doesn’t Joseph look a little bit like a badly permed Rob Liefeld?