Grayson Annual #3

What good is a Butt-Boobs Showcase without any boobs? Aside from social commentary, I mean!

The Review!
Grayson was the best comic book DC Comics has put out in a long time and a lot of people never even gave it a chance because they were dum-dums. Omega Men was also the best comic book DC Comics put out in a long time and a lot of people never even gave it a chance because they weren't dum-dums and remembered that The Omega Men were terrible in the eighties. At least I think they were. I never even gave them a chance in the eighties because they looked terrible. Especially that one guy in the pink and purple outfit with the wolfish name. Whatever happened to him? Horrible looking character! Anyway, what I was saying before my brain got derailed was that this annual by Lanzing and Kelly lives up to the previous work on Grayson by Seeley and King. It's fun and fun and also fun. It might be smart too but I'm not smart enough to know if something is smart. Something can be pretty dumb and I'd still be all, "Well, it's smarter than me! So...smart!" I give this an A for effort! Unless that sounds like I'm insulting it and then maybe it gets an A for quality too.

The Commentary!
I wrote a poem to celebrate Dick's butt!

The Roads Not Taken
By Grunion Frost!

Infinite paths diverged in an infinite wood,
Paralyzing me with indecision.
I was too young to know that I should
Hasten down a path which would do me good
Instead of dawdling in my decision.

I knew that if I chose but one,
The infinite others were lost to me.
So I sat and watched the rising sun,
Knowing that by choosing none,
I preserved all potentiality.

I sat and watched a peopled sea
Choosing their paths instantly.
Almost as if they could not see
The branches of infinity
Which they pruned indiscriminately.

When I first noticed, I cannot say,
The woods once lost to either sight,
Were closing in with every day
That I refused to choose a way,
Now paralyzed by the looming night.

I think that caught the quality of Dick's butt, right? It's like, "Ooh! Do I want to put my thingy in it? Maybe I'm not into sodomy and I just want to look at it glistening and naked! But why is it glistening? Was Dick working out? Maybe I just spat on it? Or somebody spilled 7-Up over it! Dick's butt isn't even very good on the cover of the annual. What the hell, Janin?! It's all flat and flatter! Let's see some spring in that sproing!"

I don't even like Dick's butt! I just want to be cool like the cool kids who all talk about Dick's butt like it's the Second Coming!

The issue begins with Harley's butt running down a hallway.

Harley's Butt scores a 3 out of 10 here.

The party Harley is going to is in a very scary room! Why would she want to go into Room 237! There are naked old ghosts taking baths in there! I'm so grossed out I can't even write another poem ever again! That sentence was exactly as I wanted it even if it sounded weird. Sometimes you have to deal with sentences sounding unlike sentences you've heard before. You just have to deal with it because that's what adults and teenagers who think they're adults have to deal with! Or you could be a tool of the man and refuse to publish avant-garde literature! Your mind so brainwashed by how things have always been done that you send out rejection letters saying things like, "Maybe you should take a grammar class before sending in another manuscript. Also maybe you should realize that most manuscripts are longer than three pages and contain stories that don't devolve into a final page of statements like 'The ending will be so cool it will cream your jeans which means it will be so startling you will drop your ice cream cone in your lap, I guess!' or 'You probably get the jist of this story by now. Jist? Jissed? Jizzt? Whatever!'"

Earlier in my poem, should I have rhymed "indecision" with "decision"? You get how clever that is in not being clever, right? I mean, I wanted to rhyme "indecision" with "in decision" but felt I needed to add "my" for some reason. But now I'm questioning my decision! I should probably rework the poem until I grow bored of it and move on to something else. Or should I just leave it as is? Oh! I don't know. I guess I'll just finish reading Grayson's Butt.

Harley's Butt crashes the party even though she has an invitation. I just meant she crashes it because instead of entering Room 237 like any other normal psychopath driven extra-crazy by isolation and the sound of a Big Wheel constantly going from carpet to hardwood floor and back to carpet, Harley kicks the door down.

Constantine's Butt scores a ? out of 10 because it's always covered by a coat. Simon Baz's Butt scores a 10 out of 10 because I don't want to be accused of Moslemophobia. And Azrael's Butt scores a -3 out of 10 because I hate Jean-Paul Secret Valley.

Simon's Butt is really out of sorts for some reason. Instead of being patient and kind, he's irritable and more irritable. I suppose I wouldn't be feeling too kind if I had Constantine's Butt constantly blowing smoke in my face while I waited for some jerk who has never heard about evites. If people don't use evites anymore, pretend I didn't say that because I want to be respected and lauded by all of the cool kids! That's why you won't hear me refer to Simon's Butt as a terrorist or Harley's Butt as an object! Although I might point out how privileged Constantine's Butt is, what with it being all pale and male.

The guy throwing the party is Jim Corrigan's Butt, also known as the big green guy when he gets angry. That's not ambiguous because this isn't a Marvel comic book, dum-dum! You know I meant The Spectre's Butt!

All of these Butts have been brought together to share their stories of encountering Agent 37's Butt. Constantine's Butt gets to go first. Constantine's Butt story is super homoerotic. Also heterotic! Heterorotic? Heteroerotic? Anyway, I guess it's just plain bi-erotic.

This is the homoerotic bit!

Next up is Azrael's Butt's story. I might not totally hate Azrael when he's written by Lanzing and Kelly because they love to Philip K. Dick's Butt him up. He's all into Gnosticism and junk! That might be redundant, depending on if your penchant for insane philosophical and religious texts is about equal to non-functioning toasters.

Azrael's Butt's story is about how Agent 37's Butt is honorable and hardly smells at all, even after a big sweaty battle.

Harley's Butt decides to go next. I hope I can think up a joke about penetration now! Darn it! I couldn't think of one.

Was that a penetration joke? Did sex just get made in that wink?!

Harley's Butt winds up kissing Dick's Butt which means she's now made out with both Butts of the Dynamic Duo. Harley's Butt's story is all about how great a kisser Dick's Butt is. That will probably be helpful in determining whatever The Spectre's Butt is trying to determine about Agent 37's Butt.

Simon's Butt's Story is about how he and Dick's Butt fought off an army of Parademon Butts because the rest of the Justice League's Butts were off-planet. Typical! Another great big space adventure and I'm stuck reading about what's going on on Earth! Why doesn't DC ever tell the big space adventure stories! Instead they're always all, "Oh! Trouble on Earth for Hero's Butt X because the big Hero Butts are all in space farting around!" Simon's Butt is shooting Parademon's Butts in the face with a gun and Dick's Butt is all, "Okay. That's a new tactic!" Then they talk and stuff. And then the story ends.

When the stories are all over, Corrigan's Butt is all, "Oh! I get it! The title of each of your stories was an aspect of Agent 37's Butt! Now I can profile him! Let's see...Agent 37's Butt is a charmer and a savior and a gymnast and a superhero. He's also a great kisser, has a nice butt, is anti-gun, and doesn't hate Azrael like everybody else does. So who is he?!" And everybody is all, "Grunion Guy's Butt! No, no! Just kidding! Dick Grayson's Butt!" And Corrigan's Butt is all, "You're right! And that's me! Surprise!"

And that's when Dick Grayson's Butt wipes the memories of him from all of the other butts. He then goes off to have a great butt adventure with the only butt equal to his butt, Helena's Butt.

The end! Which is another way of saying the butt!