Batman and Robin Eternal #17

B-A-T-M-A-N-I-N-C-A-I-R-O!

Rating: No change. Surprise, surprise! Guess what it took seventeen issues to get the reader to say, "Doi!" Batman didn't shoot a kid's parents that night in Cairo! What a twist! I'm still shaking off the shock of that revelation! I'm all like, "How could a comic book portray an event so inaccurately? Why would comic book creators want to fool me into believing something that would never, ever fucking happen in the whole history of the fucking canon DC Youniverse had happened?! Do they hate me? Are they purposefully fucking with my mind? Am I stupid enough to keep giving them my money so they can pretend to tell me a story that is shocking beyond belief only to eventually get around to sort of muttering under their breath, 'Oh, um, yeah, about that. I sort of, you know, lied.' Bastards!"

I guess I'm supposed to be on the edge of my seat about future revelations like how Cassandra was supposed to kill Harper's parents or how Jean-Paul Valley is a huge disappointment to the readers. I mean to Mother. Maybe we can just get to the final page where Dick hugs Bruce before they go into the Batcave to touch tips.

Robin, Son of Batman #8

Gotham pigeons are a color that only exists inside of your mind.

Rating: No change. Ray Fawkes tells a story that is similar to the stories which Patrick Gleason was telling but is somehow missing the heart of those stories. It's bland and centered less on character than on making a point. That point is something like Damian still has the potential to become the horrible person his mother trained him to be. But he's willing to accept that side of him and acknowledge it so that he can continually fight against it. Or something.

It's pretty much what Tomasi and Gleason have been saying in their stories without taking an issue to lube up the mallet and bash us about the head with it. I don't know why the mallet needed to be lubed up for that. Maybe it's what Ray plans on doing with the mallet after I'm unconscious from the bashing.

I don't generally dislike Damian because there's something about Robins I almost always hate and Damian doesn't have any of that. But now he has it and I'm starting to dislike him: the fucking sidekick haircut! Way to go, Alfred! I was going to defend you and point out that Damian is a disrespectful little cunt but then you went and cut his hair like that? You know what? Who cares? Damian deserves that haircut after that attitude on display. Hey Damian! You don't treat older people who care about you like they're annoying servants who can't help butting in instead of just doing their job. I mean, yes, Alfred is also that! But you can try to be fucking kind to him, right? He's basically your grandfather and I can't fucking stand when grandkids have a shitty attitude towards their grandparents who obviously love and care for them very much and would do everything in the world for them.

Don't get me wrong! If your grandparent is a racist, guilt-inducing, judgmental bastard, treat them like shit! But Alfred is not that. Usually. Don't judge him by Gotham standards.

The Omega Men #8

If it's forbidden, don't make a travel poster about it! Jerko!

Rating: +1 Ranking. People want you to believe that mainstream comic books eschew important messages in favor of popularity and profit. If you want your comic book to say something important about the world and the people in it, you should be reading indie comic books or--I can't believe I'm saying this after having lived through the 90s--Image books. That's probably true. It's almost definitely true. But because of it, some people will miss the best series to come out of Marvel and DC since the British Invasion. Maybe that's hyperbole. It's not like I've read every comic book between then and now. But if that kind of hyperbole can get people to go out and get this fucking book and read this fucking book and cry over this fucking book with me then the hyperbole has done its job. Get thee to a comic book store and pick up Tom King's The Omega Men. It's so fucking good. And it's important. Seriously important.

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #25

I couldn't bear to fill in the rest with just red, yellow, and blue. Are adult coloring books called adult because they expect too damn much from you?!

Rating: No change. The worst thing about doing long form commentary on DC's comic books back before I opted out was the amount of time it took to put every thought and digression that came to mind down on digital paper. The best thing was that I could just make stupid remarks about a comic book that was shit and made no sense without actually having to explain why it was shit and why it made no sense. But now what am I supposed to say in a short synopsis when I read a comic book like this?!

Here's the gist of it: Superman is healed by the Greek/Roman gods and then, on the final page, Hermes reveals that Superman is healed and that he's "completely and fully mortal." Yeah? So? That's how he's always been! What the fuck do you mean by that, Hermes?! Do you maybe mean he's human now? Do you mean he's powerless now? Do you mean he's now only fit for a menial, 40-hour per week job and a life of toiling monotony punctuated by a few sporadic moments of joy or sorrow? You didn't explain anything by claiming he's something he's always been! Dick.

During Superman's great healing adventure, Cupid pressures Clark into reconsidering Clark's marriage proposal to Diana. Back off, Cupid! The fans all know Superman should be fucking Lois and we're not even gods of love! I think your love for your new aesthetic has blinded you from reality. Dick.

Artemis takes Clark on a hunt but it would have been better and more interesting if she'd just sat him down to watch Hedwing and the Angry Inch with her.

Anyway, Clark proves he's worth keeping around a little while longer so the gods heal him. Next maybe they can make everybody forget that he's Superman and that they hate him for it.

I'm still confused about why the population of the DC Youniverse was fine with Superman until they found out Superman had a secret human identity. People are fickle assholes.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #1

The title of this comic book is too long.

Rating: About 20 of about 52.

For just one dollar more than most comic books, you get two stories that are pretty much better than a lot of the monthly shit on the shelves. It's also possible that because I've been infatuated with Deadshot since Ostrander's Suicide Squad and with Katana even longer since Mike W. Barr's Batman and the Outsiders, I might be going easy on this comic.

Deadshot is portrayed just about how I expect him to be portrayed. He's fairly apathetic, has a--somewhat tone-down--death wish, and understands exactly how far he can push Amanda Waller's buttons before she reins him in. Also, he has family issues. Usually they're about his daughter but apparently they're about his father this time. Don't worry if you're thinking, "But...but...his father?! I read the Villains Month book and that doesn't make any sense!" It's a fucking comic book. Comic book history is only as true as the current writer and the story that writer wants to tell. It's all explained really neatly so that the reader will nod in agreement and say, "Yep! That totally makes sense!" I mean, you know, it's pointed out that he's a liar.

The Katana story has a whole bunch of throwbacks to Mike W. Barr's Batman and the Outsiders which is understandable since it's written by him. We get to see Markovia, Kobra, Dr. Jace, and the kitten that Katana will probably eventually give to Halo. I mean, maybe not that last part but whatever. Fuck you.

Speaking of the cat! I'm not sure where Barr is going with that aspect of the story unless he simply threw it in to tie this Katana run to Nocenti's Katana run because holy fuck was it a weird enough sidebar to have been a Nocenti moment!

Anyway, I hope the little girl who decides to help Katana becomes Halo because Halo is seriously needed in the DC You. I think I called Dr. Jace appearing in some other comic book for the first time and then was disappointed when it wasn't her. But now that she's back, I'm guessing Halo has to be next! Except they're in Markovia so fucking Geoforce will probably appear first. Ugh!

Daredevil #3

Why does Marvel have three places for the number of the issue? As if they'll ever allow a comic book to have that many issues ever again!

Rating: No change. I still think this comic book is an allegory for masturbation. Blindness, an obsession with hands, the fact that it makes me masturbate, the title anagrammed to "Dread Evil". Totally about masturbation.

Sinestro #19

The actual cover was just a cash grab highlighting a bunch of fan favorite characters as they received yellow rings. Even Jason Todd made the cover even though he didn't get his two panels of fame.

Rating: -2 Ranking. I don't want to hurt Cullen Bunn's feelings so I won't begin trashing this comic book until after the break just in case his jerk friend sends this to him. Now Cullen knows not to read any further.

This is the break!

Garbage! Utter fucking trash! That's what this comic book will be in thousands of years along with everything else. But it's also not worth reading. It lacks imagination. I bet he did that on purpose though! So that the form of the comic book represents what will happen to the people of Earth if anti-emotion takes over! After reading this story, I realized I didn't feel anything!

But seriously. This story is the kind of mainstream superhero comic book story that's written just to fill the racks. An antagonist has some kind of power that's too powerful for the power of the antagonists! So the antagonists rally and get more power by getting more power! Usually it's done by finding some strength deep within them. This time it's done by Sinestro doing exactly what he did last issue. He released more Yellow Rings to more fan favorite heroes and villains. But then guess what? The antagonists rally! They get more power from their vague power reserves. I'm describing it in general terms because that's exactly how it's written. It's just raising numbers. Good guys are winning 2 to 1! Oh no! Now the bad guys through some means are winning 3 to 2! How will Sinestro turn the tide now?!

Sinestro turns the tide by releasing Saint Walker with a yellow ring stitched into his arm. Because in this world, fear isn't the antithesis of hope at all! No way! Hope combined with fear equals bravery! Or something. Actually, if he'd said that as opposed to hope gives a person the power to control fear rather than letting fear control them, I might have been a bit happier about it. But then I'm a better writer than Cullen Bunn, so I'm not too surprised!

Anyway, the advantage switches sides a few times until a Manhunter reports to Sinestro that they've found the Pale Bishop. And this story really needs to fucking end already or it'll be too long for the really boring trade paperback that will be published at a later date. So Sinestro happens to have an Indigo staff...I mean, an Indigo ring! So he's able to teleport to the Pale Bishop with only Soranik as backup even though he could have brought Harley Quinn along if he wanted to sell more copies of Issue #20. Idiot!

Doctor Fate #8

:( is right.

Rating: -2 Ranking. This may be the most boring comic book to ever make it to issue #8 ever! EVER! It's not even interestingly bad enough to make fun of. It's just a boring waste of time about a character who continues to believe he's dreaming or tripping or going crazy. Although he had two different mystic people (maybe three?!) tell him he's not going crazy and that he needs to do the will of Allah or God or Yahweh or Bast or whatthefuckever. He does do some heroic shit but--as I've mentioned a boring number of times--it's fucking boring. I might as well be reading a comic book about a guy cleaning toilets and bitching about how he has to clean toilets all day. I don't know if it would be more entertaining but at least I'd know what to expect from a comic book called Janitor Johnson. When I pick up a Doctor Fate comic book, I expect magic and adventure! Instead I get...you know what I get. How many times do I have to say it?!

Secret Six #10

This cover gives more of an ending than the inside pages!

Rating: No change. What the hell just happened? I feel like I was about to sneeze the biggest, best sneeze and then the feeling just went away. You can also make that analogy about orgasms if you're nasty. Wasn't there a big magical story taking place with four pillars all across the world that needed to be broken to save Black Alice before she accidentally destroyed the world? And then this?! The last two pillars were both under the Daily Planet?! What kind of shit planning is that? And Black Alice (or the creature inhabiting her body) just decided to save its plan for some other day? Well fuck. At least Superman was written like he should be written! I won't say this ending was as disappointing as the final panel in the first issue of New 52 Batgirl but I'm actually going to say that! I changed my mind! My feelings are almost hurt by how horribly this story ended!

This smells like book being cancelled extreme script change shenanigans!

Batgirl #47

Dear Diary! Today I didn't die when I drove my motorcycle off of a roof!

Rating: -1 Ranking. This is the first time in a long time I've read Batgirl without being in Batgirl's Diary mode and I'm wondering how much of my enjoyment of the comic book was actually just the enjoyment of myself? Not like that, pervo!

It's not that I don't like the comic book! I really do. But I think I've overliked the comic book because I'm so in love with my Batgirl Diary entries! Judging this issue on its own merits alone, it's a bit repetitive for my tastes. Babs has another guest crashing on her couch (who totally isn't the bad guy stealing her memories at all because that's too expected!). Babs seems to be betraying herself like when here Oracle AI got out of control. Babs has another talk with her father where her father pretends not to know she's Batgirl. Frankie gets upset with Babs about whatever. Like it matters at this point.

And apparently all the guys in the DCYou are mega-gross assholes that deserve to be physically assaulted. Yet again we have a comic book with a female lead where a woman gets hit on by some lecherous douche and subsequently gets beat down. Don't worry that he was just trying to stop Batgirl and Spoiler from breaking the law. Who do the cops in Gotham think they are? Vigilantes can do whatever they want and justify it accordingly! Especially if the guy they're justifying all over just propositioned Spoiler by inviting her to the police locker room. Ew. Spoiler was right. Mega-gross! Not so much the propositioning but that location? Disgusting!

The issue ends with some guy changing Babs' memories while she sleeps and then grinning at the reader like some creepy motherfucker. You know what? I thought about it and it's probably Greg, the guest on the couch. That guy likes to steal women's panties. Probably because he's a male in the DCYou.

Poison Ivy: The Cycle of Life and Death #1

I know this cover is sexy because Pamela is a scientist who just took off her glasses and let her hair down.

Rating: 35 out of 52 or something.

This isn't the Poison Ivy comic book I want to read so I can't tell anybody if it was any good or not. I think it was shit but that could very well be my bias speaking. I don't need another comic book where the protagonist feels cut off and alone. I don't need another comic book with a scene where a female protagonist who murders or maims a bunch of sexist assholes. I don't need another comic book that thinks turning a couple of men into temporary homosexuals is an appropriate form of shaming. I don't need another comic book where a great friendship is sundered for the sake of...well, I don't know what it was for the sake of! I might be more interested in it if it were meaningful in some way! But since it's only really there to back up the idea that Poison Ivy just doesn't fit in, even with her best friend and lover Harley Quinn, I don't need it in my Poison Ivy comic book. I don't need another comic book with Maps Mizoguchi in it that doesn't completely focus on her. What a mistake!

My main problem is that I don't like seeing Pamela Isley turned into Swamp Thing Lite. I like the human part of her (which, really, is the main part of her. Just because she's got this connection to the Green doesn't mean she can't connect with other humans because they don't think like a cornstalk)! I suppose I could just chalk her current inability to connect to her Seasonal Affective Disorder (which was a fucking great idea, Gail!). But then what do I attribute Harley's lack of understanding and need to constantly attribute Poison Ivy's failings to her hybrid human/plant status?

At least the villain of the story is an old white man who doesn't think women can science the plants. That isn't unfortunate at all.

I'm just disappointed in a lot of choices made for this story. What a letdown.

The Legend of Wonder Woman #1

I'm already confused by this.

Rating: 22 out of 52 or something. I would have enjoyed this issue without all of the narrative stuff at the beginning but I guess the whole Diana is Zeus's daughter and the Amazons are rapists stuff needed to be sent back down to the People Got Angry At These Ideas Department. That's really okay because they were part of Azzarello's Wonder Woman run and anything he needed for his story doesn't matter anymore because now Wonder Woman is being debased by the Finches and everything is totally different now.

Hippolyta is a pathetic wretch who somehow can't find any meaning in her life without having a child of her own. You're a fucking queen! Every Amazon is your child! You shouldn't need a lump of animated clay to make you feel your life is worth living. Stop being so selfish! Although I do like that when the moment comes and a soul enters into some wet sand to create Diana, the story leaves it vague as to where that soul came from. Is Diana the reason that darkness is now invading the island? Did Hippolyta accept a soul from some monstrous power?! Is Diana the daughter of Cthulhu?!

The story becomes far more entertaining once Diana becomes eight or ten or, if this were David Finch's art, twenty-eight.

Regular Artist Depiction of Wonder Woman at ten or David Finch Depiction of Wonder Woman at twenty-eight?

The story becomes a Dungeons and Dragons Adventure which really appeals to the twelve year old boy that I will forever be (except now with much better hygiene and the understanding of that joke about why the Go-Gos can't get pregnant).

I look forward to the issue when Diana is in Degrassi Amazon Junior High and has to shower for the first time with her classmates. I mean Degrassi Amazon High School! I mean Degrassi Amazon Community College!

Martian Manhunter #8

Why are those Martians pointing? Don't they have cell phones?

Rating: -2 Ranking. I fucking don't know what happened to this comic book. At first I was kind of interested. Then I got more interested. Then I thought it was a fantastic concept and really portraying J'onn J'onzz well. And then this whole transdimensional time jump Martian rebellion apocalypse happened and I began to despise it. I'm not enjoying it anymore at all.

This issue, Mister Biscuits finally realized that J'onn should have sided with Earth from the beginning because Mars doesn't make cookies (at least not cookies without vegetables in them). That's what I fucking told you as soon as I realized you had to make a choice, asshole! I said, "Well, does Mars have cookies? Because if Mars doesn't have cookies then Mars is going to have to die." That's when I looked up Martian cookies and found that they're made with zucchini and threw up all over myself.

To try to stop what I assume is everybody's flagging interest in this comic book, it ends with two giant mecha about to engage in battle. I might find that exciting if it were a video game and I got to control one of them. But since I'll just be looking at pictures of giant mecha punching each other, it might as well be Batman slugging a bunch of thugs in an alley. And by "thugs" I mean "low level comic book antagonists" and not "wink wink I'm really saying nigger." The Euphemism Treadmill strikes again! Thanks Obama!

You know, my use of the "Thanks Obama!" meme in the previous statement looks really bad coming so closely after the "thug is just Fox News' way of getting to say nigger regularly on television" bit. Although that kind of is Obama's fault since having a black president has really made them lose their minds. I mean, it exposed that they had already severely lost their minds but now their mostly white men's spittle-flying diatribes against a black man is like a floodlight on their racism.

I don't actually believe that all the pundits on Fox News are racist. But they've definitely decided that the Republican Party could use the racist vote and so they court them constantly. Which, I suppose, makes them fucking racists. Nevermind.

Wonder Woman #48

Wonder Woman is filling her fart canisters.

Rating: No change. This comic book was just stupid enough for me to love every single bit of it, so how can I punish it by dropping it in the rankings?! I loved Doctor Poison! She's a perfectly idiotic B-list villain tailor made to be fodder for the Suicide Squad! Maybe I should begin a letter writing campaign to get Doctor Poison her own monthly series?

If you have ever found yourself sitting alone sipping coffee at a corner cafe and thinking "Why am there be terrorisms?", this comic book might just be for you! It takes a short, easy look at what might make a person into a terrorist and then craps all over its own arguments by making Doctor Poison a complete idiot. Not that it had many arguments to crap on. The basic moral is given by Hessia who proclaims, "I don't think it's possible to know why somebody becomes a terrorist because boo hoo it's so bad!"

The big scene at the end has Zola freaking out because something is wrong with Zeke. Great. Is he back to raping mortals?

Titans Hunt #4

This cover is the equivalent of giving up in your twenties.

Rating: No change. It's easy to be the best Teen Titans book on the shelves right now which might explain why this one is such a mediocre experience. The only thing Abnett had to do to create a comic book better than Pfeifer's or Lobdell's was have the characters sort of say things you kind of remember these characters used to say and stick them in a story with a plot that's moving along at a steady, if a bit slow, pace. And it doesn't hurt to have a lot of call backs to the various older Teen Titans series. But come on! Let's get this shit moving! Let's make something happen besides revealing that Mister Twister is the big bad because who fucking cares?

Oh, and about the use of the term "big bad"? I thought Joss Whedon popularized it in Buffy but apparently it was being used much earlier by the Teen Titans because Speedy uses it in the flashback to when Wonder Girl was wearing her red jumpsuit with gold stars. Although Speedy looked just like he looks now as Arsenal and didn't have a goofy hat and red Robin Hood outfit, so maybe he was time traveling during that memory. Except he didn't have his tattoos!

I wonder why I'm worried about continuity in a book that's just throwing random bits of remembered continuity into a slow cooker and setting it to "Take Its Fucking Time"?

Harley Quinn #24

This cover is getting ahead of itself.

Rating: -1 Ranking. More of the same. Simply being a Harley Quinn comic book doesn't mean it shouldn't also be interesting! Look. We all know this book is going to sell like Harley Quinn Cakes no matter what it's like. But I have a feeling DC thinks that a compelling story and funny jokes wouldn't really increase its sales, so why bother? At least this issue isn't just some beaver jokes, a cock named Mike because hilarious, and lots of chaotic violence! It also has dogs humping things and women flashing their boobs while guys get their heads blown off by shotguns! Now I'm not sure what got me titallated and I'm super confused!

At least the next issue seems interesting because The Joker guest stars! Continuity nerds might want to take a sedative before reading it.

Detective Comics #48

These adult coloring books are the most bullshit fad and a fucking absurd waste of time!

Rating: No change. Gotham's newest menace should just get into adult coloring books because he's really into wasting an absurd amount of time himself! He's killing Gotham's regular heroes by dressing them up in the guise of heroes from the past in authentic outfits. But wait! That's not all the work he's putting into his crime! He's also dressing like the old timey hero he's killing and only speaking in quotes by them! This guy is running on a level of crazy that simply exhausts me! Tell riddles! Play pranks! Fetishize plants! Fuck a puppet! I can get behind that shit! But doing this much research, sewing, and memorizing of quotes? Ugh! It's just not worth whatever statement this maniac is trying to make! This fictional character just put more effort into murder than I've put into making something of myself! I need a nap after reading this book!

Batman #48

Say goodnight, Commssioner Batman!

Rating: +1 Ranking. There's a lot of talk about gardeners and gardens in this issue because Snyder's analogy finally came to a head and popped. I guess gardening is war and so when you try to garden, the garden gets angry. Or something. I wouldn't know since I like my backyard to have a natural, chaotic look. I'm more like Batman than Commissioner Batman so I don't have any horrible monster plants moving in to teach me a lesson about trying to force too much order on what is a naturally chaotic system. Or, you know, something.

My favorite part is also, on a theoretical level, my least favorite part. I loved the idea of The Joker finally being happy because he has no Bat-obsession to eat away at him. It's kind of heartbreaking to see him plead with Bruce Wayne to leave the Bat behind because The Joker knows what that means for him. He'll go back to being crazy. Which is my least favorite part which ties in with the whole Mister Bloom rising up because Commissioner Gordon took over.

I hate that it's simply an accepted fact that Gotham will always balance in some horrible way. Batman rises to help keep the city safe so The Joker appears to make the city less safe. Commissioner Gordon and the Powers Company ratchet up the level of political and corporate policing and so a wild monster like Mister Bloom appears to effectively counteract it. The message seems to be you can't even attempt to improve the city because some force is going to fight back just as hard to fuck it up. I suppose that's why The Court of Owls work! They understand Gotham's mystical property of maintaining perfect equilibrium and have come up with a system to manage it to the best of their abilities. Maybe they really should just run Gotham?

How about those last few pages, eh? I think maybe it's just time for Alfred to retire. He obviously can't handle this shit anymore.

Batman and Robin Eternal #16

It's filler time!

Rating: No change. Did something happen in this issue? I don't think anything happened in this issue. You were probably supposed to realize that this issue didn't matter when the credits page was layed out differently than all the previous ones.

I mean, of course stuff happened! It's called hyperbole! It's a way of saying "Nothing happened that I fucking cared about and so the issue wasn't important to me and by saying that nothing at all happened, I intellectually justify my personal lack of connection with the material!" If you're a Jason Todd fan because you're a horrible person with some kind of mother complex who needs to cradle him against your bosom and squeeze the cares into him, you might appreciate a plot-oriented reason for him to change his ways. Or maybe you hate that because you like him being a pathetic, lost, unloved dickhole? Whatever the case, I guess it doesn't matter since, at the end of the day, we all have to suffer through DC's decision to back Scott Lobdell's version of Jason Todd. I really do feel sorry for Jason Todd fans! I feel even sorrier for Jason Todd fans that actually think Lobdell is doing a good job! Although I won't make fun of them because it's never cool to make fun of people with obvious traumatic brain injuries.

Jean-Paul Valley didn't die this issue so that's another negative comment on the story. Stupid Valley. I hate him.

Green Lantern #48

Hal and Sinestro compare penises.

Rating: No change. A whole lot of people scream "Sonar!" this issue. So if you were looking for a place to read the word "sonar" over and over again, I recommend picking up this issue. It's fantastic word porn if the only word that gets you off is "sonar."

At one point, Hal discovers that the Modoran terrorists' heads explode when they scream "Free Modora!" in Modoran. He instantly does not fly to Modora, buy a Modoran phrasebook, practice the phrase "Free Modora!" for a few hours, create a massive light bullhorn, and yell "Free Modora!" in Modoran into it. I don't think he really cares about stopping Sonar.

Parallax tries to recreate Oa but only manages to make a big turd. Speaking of big turds, I'll spare you my recent bathroom travails! Oh man. I can't believe I survived! How unfair is it to have opiate constipation when I've only ever had a couple of Vicodin across my entire life?! I'm not even sure my Cousin Jason has ever forced out such a massive crap and he broke (not just clogged!) a Las Vegas hotel toilet with just his movement (you know, sans paper!)! I admire that man!

I can't believe it was this comic book that reminded me of a huge shit and not Red Hood Loves Arsenal!

Green Arrow #48

I forgot to draw a penis on Ollie.

Rating: -2 Ranking. Oliver Queen is ashamed of being white and rich. Therefore he decides to get a disease so he can experience what it's like to be sick and abnormal like people who are not white and rich. Now people will look at him differently which will teach him empathy which is something rich white people can't develop any other way. Now he feels good because people see him as a monster!

Hey Ollie! Being rich and white already made people see you as a monster! You didn't need a degenerative disease for that to happen! You know what actually separates you from the disenfranchised? You have the resources to cure your stupid disease when you get tired of having it! Asshole.

So now Green Arrow is a werewolf because it makes him more interesting, I guess? Just like Aquaman was given every single power in existence because he was way too boring too. And Superman was more powerful than he should be so now he's a weak piece of shit. And Batman is dead (or at least might as well be). Wonder Woman is still basically Wonder Woman but she's being written and drawn by a husband and wife team who I'm not totally convinced aren't misogynists. In other words, DC Comics hates their heroes and will do anything to make them not them.

Constantine the Hellblazer #8

This cover is aesthetically comforting.

Rating: +1 Ranking. At eight issues in, if you haven't realized that this version of Constantine is nearly just as good as the Vertigo version of Hellblazer and nothing like the shitty pale New 52 imitation Constantine then I'm now letting you know that you've missed eight issues of really fucking good Constantine stories. Did that make sense? Fuck it. Who cares. I'm not retyping a whole goddamned sentence simply because it might not be comprehensible! I'm dying here!

I mean, not that I'm dying of any impending disease or anything. I'm just dying in the way that we're all dying and every second of life is precious! So I'd rather be misunderstood than waste more time trying to get people to understand me! I know what I meant! I think. I mean, sometimes I confuse myself which seems odd because I only have one brain and you'd think that it would just understand itself without language or anything, right? Like, say, it obviously wants me to have sex with women because that's what The Bible says but then it's all, "Look at the cock outline in that guy's pants!" That's confusing, right?! Then I have to tell it, "Look, brain! Sexuality is a choice and we've chosen to be heterosexual because it's Jesus's favorite way of fucking! So stop picturing all of the cocks in your mouth."

That was all a lie. I just made up a lie because I want to be cool and you can't be cool being a white, cis-het, middle-aged male genius on Tumblr. Emphasis on the "big cock." I mean "genius." I lied again but I won't tell you what I just lied about because then you'd know my cock isn't that big.

Catwoman #48

This cover tells the potential customer everything they need to know about the book. It's Catwoman starring Catwoman. That might make Catwoman fans think, "Oh! I should by this!" But don't miss the other super secret information on the cover about Frank Tieri! That part says, "Don't buy this."

Rating: No change. This isn't really as bad as I was expecting with Frank Tieri writing it. The downside of that statement is that I expected a bordering on racist, possibly homophobic, almost certainly misogynistic story! So when it turned out it wasn't those things and it's just a bland story that's been told hundreds of times before in barely varying ways about a burglar who is double crossed and then has a hit put out on her, I was pleasantly surprised! Good job, Tieri!

Although the part where Tesla tells Selina she looks like Michelle Pfeiffer made me wince as I imagined the "I'm-too-fucking-clever-for-comic-books!" smile which most assuredly spread across Frank Tieri's probably really handsome and striking face (I decided to look him up since I've never seen him before and he looks like a combination between Brian O'Halloran and Henning Wehn). That part only got weirder as Inaki Miranda decided to draw Oswald Cobblepot like Danny Devito!

One more thought on the beginning of this book! Catwoman mentions how burgling in New York is dangerous because the cops are apt to just shoot you rather than do paper work. If that's the case, why did she hang around at the end of the last issue and risk being killed when she easily could have jumped back out the window which is what she did anyway after things became way more dangerous? I think Selina Kyle might be dumber than she was two months ago!

Earth Too: Society #8

In this issue, Hawkcop lives up to the nickname I gave her.

Rating: +2 Ranking. It's much better than it was. I still have a lot of problems with it but they're all based on the believability of the science fiction account of building a new world. I'm also not clear if Abnett understands that the "terraforming" was done by Green Lantern and not the science of the Earth-Twofers or if I've completely forgotten how Earth-Too was terraformed. I'm pretty sure it was totally Alan but when Green Lantern begins investigating a bioweapon that could have been a resut of the terraforming, he doesn't speak up and say, "Oh, my bad!" Dick. Maybe the multiple failed terraforming events using the Earth-2 Data corrupted the world.

One of the main conflicts between the city-states of Earth-Too is over power and resources. Green Lantern doesn't want the world erupting into war over limited resources and struggles over powering the cities so I don't know why he isn't creating those resources since he created the whole entire fucking ecosystem. Get to work, asshole!

Kendra is a Hawkcop through and through. She expects people whose home she's invaded to answer her questions while she shoots at them. What a fucking rectum.

My favorite character right now is The Sandman because he's not a fucking hypocrite. I also hope Val-zod regains his pacifistic nature. I need a Superman who is compassionate and not a Superman who punches things until they're quiet and he can go back to writing articles about how awesome he is and then sign a different name to them.

One last thing: are the women of Earth-Too suffering from some kind of vitamin deficiency or are they all knock-kneed because Jimenez is more concerned about the amount of negative space he creates beneath their vaginas than drawing them correctly?

Red Hood Loves Arsenal #8

Me color good!

Rating: -1 Ranking. This comic book is dumb. It would please me greatly to come up with more intellectually viable criticism but why should I waste my fucking time on it when Lobdell obviously doesn't waste any time writing his scripts. Watch, I'll come up with one right now!

Red Hood and Arsenal get into a conflict with some mean people (artist, draw them however you like! Make the guys bad-ass and the women hot! Maybe their names will be Speed Clash, Flight Monster, Bag of Lust, and Circle Quirk)! The bad guys threaten Jaybird and the other one. Jaybird and the other one say some bad-ass stuff and act nonchalant and stuff. Roy thinks some thoughts that will have lots of jokes that I'll come up with after seeing the art. It'll totally be hilarious. Jay and the other one--fuck. What was his name? Oh, I'll ask the editor later if he's not busy groping the new intern--kill the bad guys. But then I'll probably make it so they didn't kill them because I guess they're not killers now and I'll write them as if they never were and they're totally empathic and crap. Jaybird will be all annoyed at the other one because the other one will be all, "I'm a slacker and shit! Total rockabilly genius too!" Oh crap! I forgot to remind the reader that he was a rockabilly genius in this new issue! It's a good thing Tess made up this new script for the next issue so I can point that out and everybody will be all, "Ha! Yeah! So Rockabilly! I guess!"

That would totally go to print, right? Pay me my money!

Batman Loves Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles #2

Michaelangelo leaps like Nightwing.

Rating: No change. This comic book has Batman so Batman fans will probably like it. This comic book has Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles so Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fans will probably like it. So far, it doesn't have a story that matters if you're not a fan of those things I mentioned. It would be more interesting if it guest starred Banksy.

Batman Loves Superman #28

I get why Batman is surrounded by bats but why is Superman covered in pigeons?

Rating: +3 Ranking. Holy shit! A comic book that's simply about Batman and Superman having and adventure and working together! A comic book about Batman and Superman that doesn't need dozens and dozens of Narration Boxes to explain the theme! A comic book about Batman and Superman that's actually about Batman and Superman! Bruce Wayne is in the costume! Superman has his spit curl! Alfred Pennyworth has two hands!

Okay, that's probably bugging a lot of people. But who the fuck cares? I'll take this over all of the Commissioner Gordon and Powerless Superman crap that's been going on across the last year. Although I'm actually enjoying the story over in Batman because much of it is focused on Bruce Wayne. But Commissioner Batman in previous issues of this title?! Pee-yuke!

Oh? And Lobo's appearance? That's how you fucking write a Lobo comic book! Although I was a bit confused because he was being raped or filling half the page in Narration Boxes or apologizing for not really apologizing.

Starfire #8

You know you would get more entertainment value out of Dick if you'd stop referring to him as Grayson, DC Comics.

Rating: No change. This comic book should have been twenty pages of sex. Instead, it is twenty pages of no sex. Not a drop! It has less sex than the first twenty-seven years of my life! You know how hard it is to write something with less sex than that?! I assure you, it's quite difficult. But this issue managed it.

I guess Dick is going around the DC Youniverse clearing up all of his past relationships so that he can start banging Helena without any complications. Unless he starts banging Midnighter. Either way's cool.

New Suicide Squad #16

Sixteen issues to get back to status quo.

Rating: -2 Ranking. Crappy dialogue adds that special hint of extra suck that this story probably didn't need. This story puts an end to the Vic Sage nonsense that never should have begun in the first place. I still have no idea why he was introduced. I don't know how he was supposed to make the book better. I don't know why, plotwise, he was even added to the team! But he's gone, Bonnie's gone, and Amanda is back running her regular team out of Belle Reve. This book doesn't have to be so complicated, guys. In fact the one thing this book is supposed to do, it hasn't done for sixteen issues. No villains have died. No villains have even come close to dying because whoever is editing this shit seems to think this book will only sell if it's packed with popular villains who have no chance of being killed. Sure, some Man-bats died but that's like killing Stormtroopers. And Bonnie died in this issue but she was just part of the Vic Sage story that needed to be swept under the burning rug inside the gasoline doused property.

Seriously. I don't know how DC can get such a simple concept like the Suicide Squad so fucking wrong. Did anybody currently at DC even read the Ostrander run?!

Gotham Academy #14

This year book was put together by amateurs.

Rating: No change. This issue is frivolous fun. It's one of those books where it's a bunch of stories collected together in one place instead of one big story. Most people have a word for that kind of thing. You could even find it in the dictionary if you had any idea where to start. Or you could just read the entire dictionary straight through until you found the word that described what I just described about stories in a collection. The word has something to do with getting crap for free and then maybe also a synonym for a stack and then the lower part of a person's leg!

I wonder if I should buy a dictionary? Do they come in calculator form?

Superman: American Alien #3

Come on! The bat symbol is such a nice touch!

Rating: +3 Ranking. I feel like I should be one of those pseudo-intellectual blogging windbags who describes as many things as they can as "meh" to prove they're too smart for everything so I could point out that Landis presents some fairly cliche ideas in hamfisted ways. But this comic book was fucking entertaining and any niggling critiques I might have would simply be sour grapes.

Sour grapes are good, right? Isn't that alcohol?

Um, uh, anyway, this story might not be in continuity but who the fuck cares? I cared more about Clark Kent and Barbara Minerva in this story than I've cared about either of them in nearly the entirety of The New 52. It doesn't hurt that Deathstork was made to look like a fool as well. It's sort of the role he should stick to instead of trying to carry his own comic book where he pretends to love his children but can't even remember his own son's name.

I wouldn't mind if DC Comics simply published well written stories and let the fans fight it out over continuity. Not like most fans aren't making up their own versions of everything anyway. Besides, what are comic books if not glorified fan-fiction?

Action Comics #48

Just give him his fucking powers back instead of sticking him in an idiotic space suit some pulp hero from the 50's would have worn.

My band has landed their second gig tonight! Technically the first gig was cancelled and this gig is just the rescheduling of the first gig. Technically technically, the second gig is just a party that every member of the band has been invited to. Also I don't have a band. It was just a dream I had.

I do intend to mostly stay away from these long form commentaries but occasionally a comic book will start off so poorly that I either write about it or scream at the walls incoherently as I turn the pages super aggressively and curse every god that other people believe in for the existence of Greg Pak.

I admit I'm probably letting my temper get the best of me and that the beginning of the comic can easily be explained by somebody who doesn't want any excuse at all to rail against the state of writing in mainstream comic books today. Like I suppose that enough time has passed for the Justice League to have journey off to the edge of the solar system in their ship with a Faster Than Light drive, discover the anomaly (anomoly! Remember how it was spelled that way in the annual?!), and chase it back to Earth where it crashes into the Watchtower as they dock with the Watchtower at the same time. Or something. It doesn't really matter, I suppose. The only thing that matters is that the entire Justice League have now been rendered helpless by some Supremacists whose weapons can apparently drain any type of super power from any hero. It drains Superman's solar power which is a product of his physiology. It drains The Flash's power which is a product of the Speed Force. It drains Power Ring's power which is a product of alien and alternate dimensional technology. It drains Aquaman's powers which are just his natural abilities. It drains Cyborg's powers which are the product of the Technosapiens or Apokolips or wherever the fuck they're currently from. It drains Lex Luthor's powers which is probably the most understandable since he's just in a suit probably powered by kryptonite. They don't drain Wonder Woman's powers though because she's a god and that would be ridiculous if they could drain a god's powers! Sheesh!

Oh, but they do have a neck brace which nullifies the powers of Greek and Roman gods.

Vandal reveals himself to Superman and explains that he's now got the powers of all of the Justice League. Superman decides to enter reporter mode and get some answers! So he asks Vandal, "What the hell are you planning?" Oh! I hope that works! Maybe Vandal will even explain to Superman how he can be stopped while he's going over all of the details of his plan!

Oh, I just noticed that Vandal also has Hal Jordan captured. I guess that makes sense since Hal finally came back to Earth to battle Sonar. No it doesn't. I'm just trying my best here.

Anyway, Vandal refuses to reveal his plan to Clark. Good try, Kent! Now threaten him a bit and then go get Steel's experimental super suit and go be Superman even without powers! Show everybody that it isn't your powers that make you Superman! It's your gumption! It's your homespun charm! It's your never give up until the cows are back in the barn attitude! It's your playing doctor with a close cousin at a young age determination! Vandal Savage can't win because he didn't grow up on a farm with loving parents! But guess who did?!

"I'm not going to tell you my plan! But I'll hint around enough so that you understand it! I want you to see how I'm better than you! An evil jerk is better than Superman! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!"

Vandal Savage begins bombing Metropolis because it's always nice to watch Superman fail to save people. Clark just has to bend over to pick up his glasses and put them back on so he can see all of the people dying that he can't save. Wrath is out of her box which seems unlikely seeing as how she failed Vandal and now she's criticizing his choices. Put her back in her stupid box! The only kid worth a damn is the fake robot one, Hordr_root!

After bombing Metropolis, he explodes a bunch of angry shadow bombs over the city. Because Wrath's plan was apparently Vandal's main plan. Make everybody into angry shadow monsters because profit!

A little help? He needs to be saved just like everybody else!

Yay! A team that can actually get a job done! At least right up until they also get their powers stolen by Supremacist weapons. Doesn't it seem like an awful lot of DC's comic book conflict stems from super heroes somehow losing their powers? Or their powers being ineffective against an enemy? Why can't any writers imagine more creative ways to challenge the heroes?

A plane crashes or something. I think it's the origin story of the first Black Mass Superhero. Maybe. I don't know. It's just interrupting the story! Although maybe it'll be a better story than the main story? Maybe I shouldn't complain too much.

Superman convinces Steel and Lana to let him use the super suit they've been working on that will kill a normal human wearing it in about fifteen minutes. So Superman will be dead in a few hours. I'm not sure why they're putting a death trap on Clark Kent and sending him out to stop Vandal Savage. Shouldn't the Justice League United call in Martian Manhunter? Or just, you know, got up against Savage without Superman? Or is the big twist ending going to be that the only person that can ultimately defeat Savage is one that doesn't have super powers! And Batman is currently indisposed.

Justice League United guest starring The Atom and Superman infiltrate the Carrier and begin their attack on Savage's henchmen. But it's Superman who has to save the day! The guy without powers who is also dying. He's the guy everybody is counting on! Christ. At this point, I'm more apt to bet on Green Arrow saving the day.

I fucking told you to keep her in the box! Idiot!

And now, even though it made no sense, we see why Wrath was allowed out of the box Vandal had stuffed her in after she failed. Because she had to play the Darth Vader to Vandal Savage's Emperor Palpatine. Unless that's spelled differently. It doesn't really matter though. Wrath is out of the box. The Justice League are back from their journey through the solar system. Justice League United are called in to be assistants to a useless ex-reporter. The Justice League have all had their powers stolen because that's a thing any old technologically advanced weapon can do. I think there must be a mathematical formula that exists to justify plot holes in comic books. Something like the amount of punches added to the number of Boob/Butt Showcases divided by the number of explanatory Narration Boxes equals number of plot holes the audience will forgive.

Wrath causes an explosion or something but Hordr_root appears or something and Wonder Woman and Superman appear outside the Carrier or something and the Justice League United are incapacitated immediately or something. Oh! I realize what happened! There were only a few pages left in the comic book so all of the heroes had to be put down before it ended. Now Vandal has all of the Justice League and all of Justice League United powering his Doomsday Weapon while Superman and Wonder Woman have died because they crashed to Earth after falling out of orbit. Well, maybe Wonder Woman survived. But Superman in just an advanced version of a Metallo suit crashing to Earth? No. He's definitely dead.

Action Comics #48 Rating: -2 Ranking. Greg Pak and Aaron Kuder's control over this story is analogous to a kitten's control over its body when it's suddenly attacked by a piece of string. Although it's far less entertaining. What I'm saying is I should have spent my $3.99 on adopting a kitten and a piece of string.

Midnighter #8

All the cool kids are working with Spyral these days.

Rating: +2 Ranking. I challenge any comic book writer to put this much character work in a one shot story about a character's downtime in any length story they tell with guest stars and variant covers and Bat-Connections. Midnighter has just been through hell with the betrayal of a man he loved. He's not sure about the connections he's made. He's not sure how to go about trusting people. For the first time in a long time, he's doubting his ability to know every move before it's made. And yet here he is getting on with life, making new friends, building up current relationships, and turning a new traitorous situation into an opportunity. Oh, and did I mention this issue guest stars B'wana Beast?

I don't know what kind of magical writing juice you've consumed, Steve Orlando, but keep at. The way you're going on this book, Midnighter will soon eclipse Batman and Batman will become the satiric take on Midnighter. He may be a killer but he's standing up for the oppressed, hurt, and victimized while Batman obsesses over The Joker's identity. Make mine Midnighter!

Stan Lee can't sue me for saying that, can he?

Edge of Oblivion #1

What's Kilowog been smoking?

Rating: 20 of 52 or so. Thankfully, Edge of Oblivion mostly ignores the events that took place in Lost Army. All of the main points are still valid. The Corps are stuck in another universe that's dying. They're hanging out on Mogo. A bunch of them are still lost. But so far there was no mention of the Peak Light Problem that's killing the universe, no sign of Relic, no Krona, and no Light Pirates. Some of that stuff might come up but it's taking a back seat to a new conflict.

The Green Lantern Corps are still trying to find a way home but now that have a New 52 Mosaic planet to take care of as well. But it isn't only good, well-meaning refugees on this Mosaic! No way! That would be boring! There are also some fish killers who murdered Mukmuk! Which seems kind of cruel and unecessary. Why kill the fish guy?! Fucking Tom Taylor is racist against fish, that's why. Jerko.

Doctor Fate #7

This comic book will be more interesting if it focuses on this cast of characters now ruling Egyptian Hell.

Rating: -1 Ranking. Seven issues in and Khalid still thinks he's dreaming. At least he finally defeated the stray dog and his pet cat is declaring that he needs to fucking accept his fate already. Get it? Because he's Doctor Fate! And yet he's denying his fate! And he's actually just a medical student!

I'm actually kind of hoping he is dreaming and this series will just end when somebody finally fucking wakes him up. Maybe it'll be his horny neighbor sleep creeping on him! Oh man! I'm actually excited about next issue now!

Batman Beyond #8

Just think of this as Batman Beyond #2 and forget about the first six issues which were really just the end of Futures End!

Rating: +1 Ranking. Now that the Futures End story is behind us and Brother Eye is dead, this comic book room to become interesting. It's like an Elseworlds version of Kamandi except with a lot more non-animal humanoids living in the world. Matt McGinnis gets to be the new Kamandi unless he's actually going to meet the old Kamandi in Metropolis-That-Was. Although Kamandi lived further in the future so just forget all of that crap since Matt is going to become the new Green Lantern instead. I'm still not a fan of Tim Drake but since I don't have to look at him because he's always in the Batman Beyond mask, I'm just pretending he's Irwin Schwab.

Wonder Woman #47

Why are the lipstick prints the wrong way up?

Rating: No change. This story is about an urgent mission to stop Cheetah from stealing an Amazonian artifact on Paradise Island. It's quite important that she be stopped as soon as possible or all of the Amazons could become mortal and die. But before warning Diana, Dessa needs to console Diana and boost her self-esteem. Then after Diana learns that Cheetah has murdered a bunch of Amazons, she gives chase only to stop to try to console her last living Amazonian Brother.

Even with all the delays, Cheetah doesn't beat Diana to the prize. But Diana is kept from stopping Cheetah by the ghost of her mother. She lets Diana know that Cheetah will soon learn a lesson about the price of getting what one wants so just relax and shit. Cheetah realizes the price of immortality is too great and runs away while Diana just shakes her head and thinks, "Moral of the story!" Then Wonder Woman flies off instead of capturing Cheetah who, you know, just killed a bunch of Amazons and is a dangerous menace to anybody she meets.

Wonder Woman is the worst.

Lois and Clark #3

This cover may have gotten ahead of the story.

Rating: +1 Ranking. The Preboot version of Superman is the best version of Superman in the DC Youniverse right now. He's also the Superman whom Batman would probably be most afraid of if Batman even knew about him (I'm sure Batman knows about him, right?!) since this Superman works in secret and takes the law into his own hands. He's got a prison beneath a mountain full of dangerous aliens and evil monsters (if you want to visit, the secret code to get in is BIBLE upside down on a calculator. Hmm, so maybe he's the worst version?). Batman would hate an actual hero fighting for justice on his own terms without having to listen to Batman constantly tell him the right way to do things. How dare Superman choose the kind of justice this Earth deserves?!

Of course, not having to listen to a whole host of disparate Justice League voices actually makes this Superman effective. The only problem is that he doesn't really have a backup system in place to stop his prisoners from destroying the world once they guessed the code to open the prison. Good job, Superman! You fool! You should have consulted Batman!

I hope Sheba, the female version of Lobo created by Rob Liefeld, is in Preboot Superman's prison!

Telos #4

If DC actually wants this book to sell, they should call it Robot Sex Orgy.

Rating: -1 Ranking. The cover doesn't lie! This issue is just a bunch of robots bashing other robots until they go offline. I guess there's also a betrayal of sorts but I won't spoil that Brainiac sides with Telos in the end and Computo gets fucked. I guess this was the Trojan War story that Homer told so that he could tell his Odyssey story. It did involve a virus which is also sometimes called a Trojan Horse! See? Parallels! Now Telodysseus has left his compatriots to head home to reunite with his family. Except he doesn't know where they are. It's also possible this part of the story paralleled some other part of the Odyssey that I'm not familiar with. I only remember the things most people remember like the part where John Goodman hits George Clooney on the back of the head and the part where the washing women sing a song and the part where Poseidon gets angry. The only part of The Iliad I remember is the part where Achilles shield is described and also the part where Achilles drags his dead lover around the city walls. Oh, and the horse, of course!

I think this story only exists because Jeff King pitched the idea of a story that paralleled the Odyssey and everybody at the pitch meeting went, "I'm smart enough to pretend to think that is awesome!"

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #24

That they're allied with Parasite is, sadly, the most interesting aspect of this story.

Rating: -1 Ranking. Superman and Wonder Woman spend the entire comic telling each other to break free of one bond or another. Finally they throw Parasite at the bad guy and save the day. I'm fairly certain Tomasi was just phoning this one in to get the story to the point where it intersects with all of the other Superman books. Vandal Savage has now watched all of his children go down in defeat and now it's his turn to go after Superman. Although he was also defeated in Batman Loves Superman so shouldn't this Crimson Dawn shit be over with now? Can Superman just have his powers back and can the world go back to loving him? Oh, and let him grow his hair out a bit! At least enough so his spit curl returns.

Bombshells #8

This cover needs more Mera.

Rating: +1 Ranking. If you like "feminism", you'll love all the, um, "feminisms" in this comic book! Wink! What is wrong with Men's Rights Activists and their stance against feminisms?! Don't they know that with more comic books with strong female leads, they'd get more feminisms in scanty outfits?! Dum-dums! I bet if the Equal Rights Amendment had passed in the seventies, women would be allowed to go topless now! Stupid jerko 70s politicians!

Daredevil #2

Tenfingers is overcompensating for something.

Rating: It's okay. It's a bit on the boring side because Daredevil's nemesis is just some gang leader with too many fingers on each hand. I guess he has some magic powers that he stole from the Hand Ninjas. I guess that's clever? Why is there a hand theme in the Daredevil comic book? Is this a masturbation analogy? Hands and blindness? I bet Daredevil's next battle will be against Harry Palms, Defense Attorney!

DC Comics Presents: The Darkseid War #1

Warning: most of these characters aren't actually in this comic book.

The Darkseid War in the pages of Justice League has been so confusing to so many DC fans that DC decided to publish some supplementary material to clear things up. They asked Jack Kirby to crawl out of his grave to write and draw these brand new stories and then publish them via time travel forty years ago. It's probably a lot of work and more complicated and confusing than what Geoff Johns is up to but DC Comics is run by assholes. So this is what you get, dicks.

[[MORE]] Jack's first story begins with an epilogue because Jack doesn't fucking care about your fucking rules. Jack probably drew this entire issue with his dick inside a mayonnaise jar. Don't fucking judge! It was Kosher mayo! Jack also ends every single sentence with a fucking exclamation point! I might be a little bit in love with him! This shit is so exciting!

Get it? "Death-Flash"?! Jack Kirby is a genius the way he immediately ties this story into the current Justice League run. "Run"?! Get it?!

Some people write comic books. Other people write great heaping piles of shit that other reluctantly admit can sort of fall into the category of comic books. And some people write mystic manifestos of mind-altering majesties and those people are named Jack Kirby! After the epilogue is over and all of the old gods are dead, Jack introduces the first of the New Gods: Orion! He wields the ASTRO-FORCE! He has heard the word and the word is battle! He has flown out of vast space "where the mysteries deepen, and hide, and wait with answers not yet known"! Holy shit! My aura just came!

Jack Kirby rightly declares right on the title page that this is "an epic for our time." Take that, Geoff Johns! You tried to subtly compare yourself to Homer but Jack has the balls to just come right out and declare it! This is a fucking epic, bitches!

I'm only four pages into this 100 page spectacular and my mind has already been blown! I don't know if I can take 96 more inches of Jack's literary cock!

Lightray shows up to help lead Orion back to New Genesis because Orion is blinded by battle! Probably. I mean, it's also possible he's just lost because space is pretty big. Lightray is the New God nobody ever names as their favorite.

This is what is known as "sexual banter." Now I want to name my penis Astro-Force! And my asshole "The Chamber Which No One May Enter!"

Orion doesn't have time to suck off Lightray! He needs to talk with High-father about trouble on Earth. Lightray points out that High-father is in the park staring creepily at the children.

Orion finds High-father and they go to stare at a blank wall. Orion can't help but admire High-father's Wonder-Staff. I wonder if Jack Kirby's dictionary had a misprint and defined "epic" as "gay porn"?

Metron interrupts before things get too weird.

Icy mask?! So catty, Orion!

Orion clenches up and contorts his body so that when he says to Metron "For a scrap of knowledge you would sell the universe into slavery!", everybody knows he has diarrhea.

High-father and the other members of New Genesis have no ability to pursue their own course in life so they wait for the mysterious flaming hand to write out messages on the Source Wall. Today it writes, "Help me--High-father puts his dick on me constantly--I am shamed!" It also suggests Orion go to Apokolips and then to Earth and then to War. While Orion struggles to read the words, Metron slyly points out that he knows Orion is Darkseid's son. High-father shushes him and compliments his wavy eyebrows that will be held back by no man nor god.

On his visit to Apokolips, Orion encounters some para-demons who try to stop him but they are overwhelmed by the sight of his Astro-Force. Orion lands and parks his bike by the giant Darkseid statue so it'll be easy to find when he's ready to leave.

Orion with his Astro-Force dribbling from use.

Orion finds the palace of Apokolips abandoned by everybody except a naked guy in tight fitting cut-off Levis with long hair and a beard. It is Kalibak the Cruel! He waves his giant phallus in Orion's face! But before Kalibak can compare his Beta-Club to Orion's Astro-Force, Metron arrives to seal Kalibak in an impenetrable field! Orion gapes at Metron because Metron really should close his legs while sitting in the Mobius Chair. Nobody wants to look at that.

Metron just came to tell Orion that he needs help but Orion says, "I know my task! I will do it well! High-father knows I will perish before I fail!" But does he really know his task? He must go to Apokolips and then go to Earth and then go to War. It's kind of vague. But that's okay because Metron has all of the details! I guess writing all of the details on the Source Wall would take too much time so the flaming hand just slipped Metron some notes to pass on to Orion. It seems Darkseid is building a complex system of tunnels underneath the Earth where his "Mass-Director Unit" will listen to the thoughts of all of Earth's citizens until it finds the one mind that knows the secret of the Anti-Life Equation! Why an Earthling knows it, I have no idea. I think it's because we're special or else we're all parts of an elaborate computer system called Earth that was purchased by Darkseid for the sole purpose of coming up with the Anti-Life Equation. That sounds reasonable because I once read a science book that said that's exactly the reason for the Earth's existence. It was called something about hitchhikers or something.

Metron leads Orion to some human prisoners Orion must take back to Earth and then leaves which releases Kalibak from his prison.

I feel flush!

A very sexy fight ensues where Orion's Astro-Force smothers some of Kalibak's Beta-Club emissions but Orion still catches some of the spray. Orion retaliates by ejaculating a powerful beam from his Astro-Force which knocks Kalibak off of his feet! Orion and the humans escape down a boom tube leaving Kalibak to yell uselessly at the wall.

On Earth, Orion learns that he rescued a secretary and an insurance broker and two other boring people. Mission accomplished! I can't believe the Source Wall wastes its time on rescuing nobodies.

The first chapter ends with the prologue and I'm left wondering who this great Jack Kirby was who flaunted the rules of literature so flagrantly! He also ends with the phrase "the king of evil--O'Deadly Darkseid." Hmm. That doesn't sound like something a genius like the one I've been worshiping since the start of this comic book would say! Jack Kirby was drunk when he wrote this, wasn't he?

The second story doesn't continue with the first story so now I have no idea if Darkseid ever tunneled under the proper person and learned the Anti-Life Equation! I guess that's because that part of the story is what Geoff Johns was writing! Oh yeah, that totally makes sense now!

The second story involves The Forever People so it's going to be shit. It also has a guest star!

Immortal?! Who the fuck knew?!

I thought this book was about the Darkseid War?! What the fuck are the Forever People doing in it? Dan Didio must be behind this bullshit. I'd better not have to read an OMAC or a Challengers of the Unknown story as well! Although I wouldn't mind if there were a tale of The Demon in here! I suppose those things won't happen because at least the Forever People are from New Genesis.

The story begins with Mark Moonrider calling Big Bear a "hairy ding-a-ling!" It's not as sexually powerful an image as the Astro-Force but at least it's still concerned with dicks. I was worried maybe this story was written by Jack Kirby when he was out of his "a dick in every pic" story telling phase.

The Forever People run a young couple off of a cliff but Vykin manages to save them with his inanimate girlfriend, Mother Box.

She was fine while almost dying but when a strange black man approaches the car, she faints.

If you're thinking, "Hey, Tess. That's not cool making a joke about some white kids being scared of a black guy because it's a serious issue that has cops everywhere treating black men and women as animals while giving tons of leeway to white people in the exact same situations," then I've got a follow up panel for you.

See? Scared white people.

Serifan points out to the others that the young lady is scared of Black Vykin so he rushes to her side with a bouquet of flowers. She feels much safer with a white guy reassuring her. Before Serifan can get lucky, Bobby and his girlfriend rush off to take pictures of the boom tube to sell to Jimmy Olsen for a pittance of what Jimmy will be paid by the Daily Planet. But they'll feel good about helping!

The Forever People have come to Earth to rescues Beautiful Dreamer from Darkseid's clutches. He stole her for the same reason Bowzer stole Princess Peach: patriarchal bullshit. Darkseid has also hired Inter-gang as his Earth henchmen because he's too stupid to realize that will attract Superman's attention.

At the Daily Planet, Superman ponders if the people of Earth secretly hate and resent him. Yes, Superman. Yes they do. Jimmy rushes in with the boom tube photos he practically stole from his friends.

The resolution on his friend's photos is amazing for the seventies!

Superman rushes off to investigate the kids and is attacked by Inter-gang because they believe in Dracula. Wait a second. Let me reread that. Let's see...more to Darkseid...crime empire...small apples...makes me believe that Dracula is alive and well in Transylvania. Yeah, I guess I read that correctly.

Superman is blasted by Inter-gang but he retaliates by tearing down a telephone pole and hurling it through the helicopter, killing the crew. No, no! He knew they would all bail out and parachute to safety. And I'm sure the telephone wires he toppled weren't important at all. Anyway, Superman meets up with the Forever People and they call him a clown.

Some shit goes down and the Forever People are forced to call Infinity Man for help. Talk about a clown! Hoo boy! Not only does he operate to different universal laws, he also follows different universal fashion trends. Infinity Man shouts for Darkseid to surrender and Darkseid appears and says, "Yeah, yeah. Let's not fight because Beautiful Dreamer was no help to me. Take her with you and we'll call this a draw." And then there's a denouement and then Superman almost bails on Earth and then he's sad for a bit and then it's over.

The third story is the origin of Mister Miracle. It's going to escape my commentary because these 100 page spectaculars take forever to write about.

The final story is the story of the peace treaty between New Genesis and Apokolips and the exchange of sons between High-father and Darkseid. Everybody knows that story! Except maybe Geoff Johns who decided that Metron didn't build the Mobius Chair like he did in this story. Instead he decided everything was different because his way is obviously better than Jack Kirby's drunken way! So instead of Metron building the Mobius Chair, the Mobius Chair was built by the Anti-Monitor. Also there's that stuff about Scott Free and Orion being exchanged.

DC Comics Presents: The Darkseid War #1 Rating: Now I totally understand the current Darkseid War happening in Justice League! This tie-in was perfectly named! It...oh fuck it. It was a DC cash grab to resell old stories to people who can't stop masturbating at the thought of Geoff Johns' Justice League. I hope they got what they were searching for! I don't know what that may have been. I actually think three of these stories were good stories to tell as background for the Justice League's Darkseid War. I'm going to assume that it was reprinted because most of it is canon. Even the part about Metron building the chair is probably canon because he probably just built the boom tube which led him to the chair already built. The only problem I have with this collection is the Forever People story. It didn't belong in this thing except to maybe include Superman, a character at least most fans have heard of compared to the rest. Although it's not like he was advertised as being a part of this book so that's just a flimsy excuse for including a story that Dan Didio probably insisted on. I don't think I have the endurance to write about any more comics that are this long! I spend enough time already on twenty page comic books!