Superman: American Alien #7

In this issue, Superman goes crazy and burns his insignia into North America.

The Review!
A nice finish to a truly entertaining series. This is absolutely fan-fiction. People do understand that comic books have been fan-fiction for at least half a century, right? The only difference between "professional" fan-fiction and amateur fan-fiction is being accepted and published by the publishers. You can't even point to quality although, due to the quantity (and the knowledge of people who think they can write's writing), I'd have to say a large percentage of fan-fiction isn't that great. But then how is that a real criticism of amateur fan-fiction when a large percentage of "professional" fan-fiction isn't great? You can tell some writers simply want to be known as writers and managed to worm their way into the business without really knowing or loving the characters they're now in charge of. That's most telling when somebody like Max Landis comes along who obviously loves the medium and the characters and has been a fan of them for years. He knows what makes Superman work on a level surpassing his physical abilities. He knows what makes Lobo so disturbing. He hasn't just been handed the task to write a story about Superman or (Twat) Lobo or Aquaman and gone and done his own thing while ignoring the reasons people feel so bound up in these characters. If any series was a strong argument as to how DC mishandled The New 52, it was this series. Because this series also gave us a rebooted version of how Superman may have gotten his start, and various points along that youthful journey. But it also maintained within the character and the universe all of the ephemeral beliefs about Superman that the reader retains from DC's past. I recognize this Superman as being as authentic a Superman as has been written. In seven issues, Max Landis made me happy to read Superman stories. In fifty-two issues of DC's regular Superman title, all I managed to be was angry and disappointed. Please,, DC, more of this Superman.

The Commentary!
This issue is called "Valkyrie". I guess that means the theme will be Superman escorting a bunch of people to Valhalla? I suppose it was my own stupidity that led me to think every issue of this series was going to be named after a bird. It's now obvious it was simply named after creatures with wings. I'm assuming Valkyries have wings since I've never met one. I've also never met an angel. I feel that needed to be said since the last issue was called "Angel" and I never questioned whether or not angel's have wings. Explicitly stating I've never met a Valkyrie made it seem like perhaps I had met an angel. To repeat, I have not. I am not a loony cuckoo bird American with an average intelligence. Do you like how I formed that sentence?! It makes it seem like maybe I'm not an American nor do I have average intelligence while explicitly stating I'm not a loony cuckoo bird! But it's not true. I am an American. Although the intelligence bit isn't true because I have something other than an average intelligence. I won't say any more so that you think I mean I have a higher intelligence.

This issue begins with the revelation that American Alien Superman has been sleeping with Lois Lane. I still don't understand how Clark Kent has sex. I don't mean his semen should come out of his penis like a shotgun and blow a hole through his partner's midsection (although that's probably what should be happening). I mean how does he feel anything? If he's invulnerable and he can't feel pain (unless it's some cosmic menace which makes Superman say things like "I actually felt that!" which totally proves my point about him not usually feeling anything) then how does he feel sexual pleasure? Being inside of Lois Lane's vagina is probably exactly like not being inside Lois Lane's vagina. If it's true that Superman can't feel anything (which it is because I've declared it based on years of reading comic books) then he's either faking orgasm or he's simply aroused to the point of ejaculation by the thought of having sex with Lois Lane. I can believe that but only for the first few encounters with her. After Clark has spent enough time devirginized, he's hardly going to blow his load at just the thought of putting his penis inside of a lady. He's going to need some hand work and maybe a little oral and then perhaps some digital stimulation of the asshole. And if he can't feel anything, how is he going to know Lois has a finger up his bum? Hell, Lois would be in danger of losing that finger if he clenched up! I just don't buy any scenario in which Clark could enjoy having sex with a human woman unless he was wearing a Kryptonite cock ring.

While texting Jimmy all the sordid details of his pretend sexcapade with Lois (it must be pretend, as my previous paragraph proves), Clark learns that a building in downtown Metropolis has exploded. The culprit is not a Valkyrie.

Although I imagine Lobo has escorted his fair share of warriors to the afterlife.

With the appearance of Real Deal Lobo here, I realize that Rebirth has given DC a chance to rectify the missteps by introducing Twat Lobo to their fans. If they were smart (they aren't), DC would use the story I outlined that Real Deal Lobo is just future Twat Lobo who realized he was going through a really dopey mod slash emo phase. Twat Lobo must have a binder full of really awful poetry, right? Or maybe Lobo doesn't feel his mod/emo phase was dopey at all and just gets fucked up and hits the skids really hard after overdosing on that drug near the end of the Twat Lobo series. Or what about my other idea that Twat Lobo was a clone that formed when Lobo didn't properly clean up after masturbating all over a modern art exhibit? With Lobo's power to create clones from a single drop of blood (or semen (or pre-cum)), DC could put out a monthly Lobo series with a different Lobo clone whose personality is based on wherever the clone formed. Although I think that might be stealing the entire plot of Neal Obermeyer's Planarian Man.

Superman tries to have a conversation with Lobo. All that's going to do is introduce Clark to phrases like "Feetal's Gizz", "Son of a Bastich", "Frag a frag frag frag!", and "Have you ever tasted your own prostate?" Clark may have think he's seen evil before (and he may have) but I doubt he's yet to see apathetic violence done for whatever. This encounter is really going to confuse the Blue and Red Boy Scout.

Here, Lobo does a better impression of Superman than New 52 Superman ever did of Superman.

This attitude displayed by Lobo is perfect. This is how Superman should treat nearly every encounter he has with any criminal on Earth. I don't mean he should be threatening in any kind of deadly or violent way. But he should remain calm and rational because he knows he yields all the power. There's no need to immediately rush in swinging fists and blasting people with heat vision. Lobo displays the calm, rational patience here that I expect out of Superman at all times. "Look, criminals. I cannot be hurt. I have so much power that Marvel Fangenders regularly blow their hate-load over me. I'm in total control of this situation and I refuse to destroy a single piece of property around me proving it to you. Either you walk away now or I transport you quick as a wink to the Salt Flats where I will beat you as hard as you need beating until you realize a career in crime in Metropolis is futile. Best to try your hand at Gotham, although you'll get far less leniency from the protector of that city."

I also like the threat that Lobo brings to bear here. As Lobo says (and I said earlier with my vague reference to Lobo's cavalier attitude to death and violence), this is a new thing for Superman. It isn't just Lobo's power that is new to Superman. It's his general attitude to death and destruction. Lobo should be presented as Superman's opposite not because Lobo rivals Superman's power but because they're philosophies are diametrically opposed (that's a geometry metaphor!). Lobo should scare Superman shitless not because Lobo can take as many punches as Superman can deliver but because Lobo doesn't give a fig about the lives of others. Ma and Pa Kent could never have taught Clark about somebody like Lobo because they could never have imagined somebody so cruel, vicious, and unsympathetic to any other being (except maybe a dog, a few space dolphins, and maybe some penguins).

Lobo realizes Clark is a Kryptonian and gleefully reveals that Krypton exploded five hundred years ago (Superman is old!).

This is my favorite portrayal of Lobo in quite some time.

I've learned from this series that comic book companies need to stop thinking that any "professional" comic book writer is a good fit to write any comic book. You know who needs to write comic books? People who are fucking fans of comic books and have been for most of their lives. Why do you think Grant Morrison writes such iconic shit? Because he loves the medium and the characters and the ideals and all of that other bullshit. Max Landis has obviously read all of the Lobo stuff that I read growing up and he encapsulates it all in this simple exchange with Superman. Not only does he have no respect for the lives (or deaths) of others but he takes pure joy in his disrespect. Max Landis doesn't use Lobo like other writers in the past have, bringing him in simply to show Superman can pummel the hardest motherfucker in the DC Universe. He brings in Lobo to scare the shit out of Superman that somebody this callous can actually exist in the universe. If I knew what poignant meant, I might use it here incorrectly. Or correctly. The key point being I don't know what poignant means.

Eight pages in and this is my favorite Lobo/Superman conflict ever.

This is my favorite portrayal of Lobo in quite some time. Did I say that already?

Of course, this turns into a brawl. It has to! Superman has to, ultimately, show threats from outer space that he has the muscle to fill his goody two shoes. That's kind of a mixed-up metaphor and a gross image. Superman also manages to say "ass" on live television. Shocking!

The brawl is quite entertaining. Superman needed an early-in-his-career match against Lobo to learn about fighting dirty. It's not like Pa would have taught him it was okay to kick an opponent in the balls, or blindside them with a parking meter, or burn their thumbs off with your heat vision as they try to gouge out your eyes. This battle is an important life lesson!

Superman finishes the fight by throwing Lobo back where he came from. But Lobo is leaving without his space hawg so it might take him awhile to get back. Superman, on the other hand, has just enough time to get back into his Clark Kent costume before he passes out from swelling in the brain.

Later, Lois admits that she loves Clark Kent because they're meant to be together or something. Whatever. Blah, blah, love, blah, blah.

Was the Valkyrie part of this story the part where Superman escorts Lobo into space? Or was it the Lois part where she helps Clark not wind up in Valhalla? Is that part of their job too? Oh wait! I know the answer because the title is supposed to represent the role Superman is playing. I think. I mean, I guess Abin Sur could have been the Angel from last issue, right?!

Superman: American Alien #6

Where's Waldo Joke.

The Review!
This issue is about Clark discovering who he is and what he wants his place in the world to be. It's also a story about friendship. I didn't really understand the friendship part. There was hugging and saying nice things and feeling scared for the safety of others and empathy and sympathy. What are those things? I thought having friends was having somebody you could call a huge turd while making fun of their kids. Once again, it's the kind of Superman story that I enjoy, presenting Superman in fairly mundane situations and showing how they affect him. Usually these kinds of stories have a B Story that involves a lot of punching but this one decided to use that space for a bit of an argument between friends and then a space encounter with Green Lanterns. It was better than punching.

The Commentary!
This has been my favorite Superman comic book since The New 52 began. I should probably state how much I like this comic book in more specific terms because I could pretty much hate this thing and it would still be better than just about every other Superman story that's been published since The New 52 began. That isn't to say that the Preboot Superman stories were always magnificent. Fuck no! I don't want people thinking I'm one of those New 52 haters who don't understand how quality works and believes there's some kind of magic chronobarrier set up between August of 2011 and September of 2011 which has kept quality in the past. Although it was right about the Reboot time when all of the worst writers to ever work at Marvel were suddenly given jobs at DC! Now that was a shitty decision.

This issue is called "Angel" even though an angel isn't a kind of bird. But it does have wings, so I guess I have to not complain too much about how it fucks up the gossamer theme stringing these issues together. It begins with some of Clark's old high school friends visiting him in Metropolis. They know he's Superman so they're concerned that he's going to be acting like a big shot Hollywood movie star. I bet he does act that way! But not because he's a secret celebrity! I bet he acts that way because he's now had sex with a bunch of prostitutes!

I'm going to pretend I understand aeronautics as well as my grandfather who worked on the SR-71 Blackbird and nod emphatically. Talk about needing a cape! The SR-71, not me. Or my grandfather.

Clark's friends are trying to figure out why nobody recognizes Clark as Superman when he only has glasses to hide his identity. But that's not all he has! The real secret in maintaining a secret identity is to cultivate a personality that nobody would ever believe could be Superman. So Clark is clumsy and naive and nerdy which is totally the opposite of Superman. It's how Bruce Wayne used to keep everybody from guessing who he was as well! Nobody would expect an unfeeling playboy who spends most of his time carousing from one society function to the other might be Batman! At least that used to be the case. Now most comic books just allow Superman to seem cool and well-muscled and confident and everything Superman is. So it's no wonder people scoff at the idea that his whole costume is "glasses." Bruce Wayne is the same way. He no longer really puts forth the image of an unsympathetic rich playboy. He puts himself out there as somebody who is trying to help the community and also as a guy whose company creates all of Batman's gadgets. Because of the close ties and the similarities (right down to the young ward/son), Batman's cowl should be less effective than Clark's glasses. Apparently the only thing keeping the people of Gotham from guessing Bruce Wayne is Batman is their low intelligence quota.

Clark and Pete and Kenny go to an art gallery. I guess Clark wants to embarrass them by putting them in a place where they won't fit in! What a jerk! The gallery is presenting "Super-Villains!", Jimmy Olsen's photos of costumed criminals. He even has a picture of Count Vertigo that's totally in focus! He really is a good photographer!

Pete suggests Clark should meet all of the other people with powers appearing around America but Clark is all, "Those guys are dweebs!"

Pete should, I don't know, start a website about Superman's dickery or something.

Peter oversteps his guest boundaries and calls out Clark on a bunch of stuff that he really didn't need to call Clark out on. I'm not sure what Pete's motivation is but he seems to want to light a fire under Clark so that Clark becomes the Superman Pete thinks Clark should become. It's probably one of those doing it out of love things where he thinks Clark is wasting his potential and he wishes Clark would just live the life Pete and Kenny wish they could live. Or maybe Pete is just an asshole who would be using his super powers to get laid all of the time. Clark takes it in stride trying to explain his perspective right up until Pete tells Clark that Ma and Pa Kent are disappointed in him. Ooh! Pete's lucky to not be a pile of ash after that!

Not really. Superman probably hasn't begun killing yet.

Superman decides the best thing to do after ditching his friends is to fly to the moon. His mission fails spectacularly for reasons I don't quite understand based on the art and my previously mentioned lack of understanding of aerodynamics. I'm sure it had something to do with pushing too much air together too quickly so that the air doesn't have time to move out of the way and instead builds up a ton of pressure which causes the air in front of Superman to super-heat up and burn off his clothes and then Superman's in space and suffocating. But Abin Sur is there to save his life!

Also there is an advert for Preacher on AMC. Shitballs, that ignites some of that joy and exhilaration with life that I'd thought I'd lost!

Tomar Re is with Abin Sur and they mention Krypton in front of Clark which gets him all riled up to find out what the hell that means. But Abin Sur decides to pull the old "Green Lantern Memory Lapse" move that I suppose they do all of the time when they don't have access to one of the magic heroes or J'onn J'onzz to erase minds. Clark wakes up back in his apartment with his hungover friends.

The next morning, Pete reveals his real reason for getting on Clark so hard. It's just that Clark is his best friend and Pete feels powerless to help him, and he's afraid for his friend's life. They hug it out and everything is okay again. Also, Clark remembers his encounter with the Green Lanterns and the name of the planet he's from, so I guess Abin Sur went easy on him.

Superman: American Alien #5

Clark knew he could have spray painted a skull, right?

Rating: +3 Ranking to 10 of 51 DC Comics. This comic book reminds me why I like comic books. At least, why I like comic books that are written the way I think comic books should be written. The stories have a reason for existing. The characters are true to themselves, or at least true to how I think they should be (which is really everything, right?). There's action but it isn't the main reason for the story. There's human moments. There's great dialogue. And there's humor. Good fucking humor and not stupid lines like "I've got your meatball sandwich right here! *PUNCH!*" I want more comic books like this. Forget about big blockbuster crossovers! I want stories about the characters! I'd love for characters to have guest appearances in each other's books to keep the whole universe feeling shared but they don't need to all take a back seat to some universal threat that eats up the majority of the pages with a shitty end of the universe plot. I want heroes being friends and helping each other! I want supporting casts who have their own identities and who have personalities or abilities the hero finds valuable. I want writers who plan scripts around the characters instead of putting the characters into plots the writer wants to tell and will tell no matter what character DC lets them write. Oh, and I want comic books that look as good as Francis Manapul makes comic books look!

• I've heard it said (or just made it up in my own head right now) that Max Landis writes as if he wants people to talk about how Max Landis writes. I know that's how I write! I mean, so people talk about how I write and not how it's painfully obvious I've stolen everything I write from Max Landis. All I know is that Max Landis writes the perfect Superman in the first three pages of this comic book. It's simple. It's text book. How is it that other writers miss the entire point of Superman and Max Landis can whip out a three page story that says, "This is Superman. Write Superman stories like this but longer."

• Some people are probably thinking to themselves, "What the fuck are you on about, Tess? How about actually writing something coherent instead generalizing and sucking off Max Landis.

• In the opening scene, Superman stops a crime. He stops people from getting hurt. He does it without using violence. He destroys weapons that might eventually hurt somebody. And he gives the criminals a second chance. He's more compassionate than Jesus. Or maybe just as compassionate. I can see Clark nitpicking shit about Lois and Jimmy and Perry over dinner too. "Perry denied my articles! Lois betrayed my love! Jimmy neglected his pet dog!"

• Lois and Clark have lunch where Lois explains copyright law to Clark and how the "superman" is going to lose out on all of his rights to the name he eventually chooses if he remains anonymous. I bet Bruce Wayne winds up with the trademark.

• Superman makes a note to never save the deli that put too many onions on his sandwich from robbers or vandals.

• Superman comic books need more interactions like this. It continues on the next page and it is adorable. Superman needs to be seen as adorable more than he needs to be seen as a violent bad-ass.

• Parasite begins attacking a mall and Superman flies in to help. Instead of the cops mistrusting him and acting like they don't need his help, they accept him as another tool to help stop the violence. Imagine that! Good people working together to stop a disaster!

• Superman stops Parasite by dropping him in the bay where he loses all of his energy and reverts to a naked human. Before the guy passes out, he tells Superman that Luthor did this too him.

• Okay, it's time to spit Landis's dick out of my mouth and point out where he went wrong. When Superman goes to confront Luthor, he throws the poor naked guy through the window of Luthor's office. Superman might be naive (like in how he trusts the guy's word that Luthor was behind it (Max gets that right when Luthor questions Superman on accepting anything he hears)) but why would he figure Luthor victimized this guy and then use the guy as a battering ram to break Luthor's office window? What a dick! Oh wait! Landis got that part right too! Superman, even when he's being written well, always winds up doing something totally dickish! Let me put Landis's dick back in my mouth.

• Fsh maad me lurh--SPITTOO! Sorry. This made me laugh!

• Luthor hands Superman his verbal ass and Superman slinks off to think of a comeback hours later that he should have used.

• Lois gives Clark a pep talk which he really needed after Lex shit all over his Superman idea. And now he's ready to be the good guy Metropolis needs! You know, until they all act like xenophobic jerks and pretend they don't need him anymore.

Superman: American Alien #4

This is the most literal cover I've ever seen.

Rating: No change.

This issue was called "Owl." Because the Owl is the opposite of the Bat. I think. I never thought of it that way but I've now been programmed to think that because of New 52 Batman. Owls are also good at getting exclusive stories for their internships.

Clark interviews Oliver Queen, Lex Luthor, Dick Grayson, and Bruce Wayne. Or sort of Bruce Wayne. Lois actually interviews Bruce Wayne but Clark interviews Batman which is totally a more accurate representation of the man. Everybody (including Lois and his mom!) give Clark a little piece of the man he will soon become. I think he learns a lot in this issue because I was flipping the pages thinking, "Why isn't anybody getting punched?! What kind of Superman comic book is this?!"

Now pretend I spent five pages discussing the stuff Clark learned and how it helped to form the man we will one day know and love to hate. Make sure you imagine it's super insightful because that's the kind of stuff I would come up with if I wanted to bother coming up with it. But why should I? Use your own stupid brain!

Superman: American Alien #3

Come on! The bat symbol is such a nice touch!

Rating: +3 Ranking. I feel like I should be one of those pseudo-intellectual blogging windbags who describes as many things as they can as "meh" to prove they're too smart for everything so I could point out that Landis presents some fairly cliche ideas in hamfisted ways. But this comic book was fucking entertaining and any niggling critiques I might have would simply be sour grapes.

Sour grapes are good, right? Isn't that alcohol?

Um, uh, anyway, this story might not be in continuity but who the fuck cares? I cared more about Clark Kent and Barbara Minerva in this story than I've cared about either of them in nearly the entirety of The New 52. It doesn't hurt that Deathstork was made to look like a fool as well. It's sort of the role he should stick to instead of trying to carry his own comic book where he pretends to love his children but can't even remember his own son's name.

I wouldn't mind if DC Comics simply published well written stories and let the fans fight it out over continuity. Not like most fans aren't making up their own versions of everything anyway. Besides, what are comic books if not glorified fan-fiction?

Superman: American Alien #2

I always suspected Clark Kent was hiding a murder rap in his sealed juvenile files.

I'm pretty sure if I had grown up with super strength, I would have killed at least a half dozen people. All completely by accident of course! One dead while playing goalie during a game of street hockey. One dead from spinning him on a merry-go-round at the park. One dead from a line drive during phys ed. Neighbor killed by super semen exiting my penis like rocket propelled buckshot. It'd take a lot of trial and error to gauge how much strength to put into every activity. How many amputees were running around Smallville after high-fiving Clark down at the bowling alley?

The last issue was called "Dove" even though it didn't have anything to do with peace and had everything to do with unwanted erections. What do doves have to do with erections? Am the story of Noah and the flood supposed to turn me on? Oh! I bet it was called "Dove" because Superman learned how to fly. Well, this issue is called "Hawk" because Superman is going to learn how to fly again! Or catch field mice and unleashed chihuahuas.

Clark fuck pretty one day.

Clark is seventeen here so it's improbable that his parents have yet to have the sex talk with him. They're definitely the kind of parents who would have a sex talk instead of just letting him piece the whole mystery together through various bits of information picked up at recess in elementary school the way most of us learned about sex. But what would their sex talk even be about?! He's an alien! He almost certainly can't impregnate a human female so that's not a worry. And even if he could, a human condom isn't going to be any kind of barrier to his kryptonian sperm. With his invulnerability, would he even be able to orgasm from touch? I imagine being young and just seeing another person's hand on his cock could be enough to orgasm. And if that was, how dangerous would his ejaculation be? Will he wind up blowing half of Lana's face off? Or are these questions we're not supposed to ask as comic fans even though they're really the only fucking questions any of us truly care about.

I really do hope the sex talk is coming up! I need answers!

Clark gets a ride home from his pal Pete and he already begins bragging about the sex he's probably going to have with Lana. I bet Pete gets an erection just thinking about it.

While some people get murdered by angry alternative youth, Clark, Pete, and Kenny discuss Clark's alien perversions.

Damn, Clark. Does the whole school know your secret?

Forget about how bodies look smashed underneath their ill-fitting clothes! Think about how many times Clark vomited in school calibrating his x-ray vision to just look through the clothes! How many times did he have to accidentally see guts and bones and gristle and all of that disgusting stuff filling our meat bags before he stopped caring about seeing Lana's boobies without consent! How scared was he of vaginas when he thought they looked like the fourth transparent overlay in a see-through anatomy book on the female body.

The police ruin the teenagers' good time because the sheriff needs teenagers at the murder scene. I guess the Smallville police believe Scooby Doo was a documentary on detective work? Get those meddling kids on the job! They'll crack the case!

The Sheriff seems to know that Clark has some special powers that nobody really talks about because everybody in Smallville simply pretends that they don't know about the Kents' alien son. When Kent refuses to participate in the investigation by giving the Sheriff any clues via his Alien Clue Detecting Powers, the Sheriff gets pissed off and sends the kids home. But Pete doesn't quit as quickly as Smallville law does.

Be a hawk already, asshole!

Clark flies off and finds the kid, Owen, holding his own family hostage. He walks into the house and immediately gets shot in the face. This is probably the guy Clark is going to murder and nobody will cry about it because the asshole already Corgi and that's the only kind of dog I like! Stupid bastard!

Clark punches the kid through a wall and then the big biker guy with the shotgun (Gang Member #2 of 3?) comes out to shoot Clark's clothes a few more times. I mean, I guess he shoots Clark as well but since that doesn't matter, he's really just ruining Clark's wardrobe. Clark gets a little bit pissed off this time.

See?! Amputees! I knew Clark would make amputees! And since they're a farming community, it's not like anybody will notice a few more!

I bet burning off a man's arms with heat vision in a farming community won't expose Clark's identity. Whenever anybody asks this guy what happens, he'll answer, "An alien freaking burned them off with laser eyes!" Then the first person will just nod and say, "Got your shirt caught in an auger, eh?"

Pete shows up to hit the third gang member in the face with a shovel and end the hostage situation. The only thing left is for Clark to go to jail until he turns eighteen! Or be proclaimed a hero because it's not like he did anything except save a family. Who's going to begrudge him for using a little violence against a bunch of violent assholes? Certainly nobody living in a rural area like Smallville.

The Sheriff tells Clark to help the police next time instead of taking matters into his own hands and then probably high fives him off-panel for burning the arms off that one guy. He sends Clark home where he knows the real punishment is waiting. Ma says the wrong thing and has to backpedal so that Clark gets away with attempted murder. Lucky! Clark puts three people in the hospital and everybody celebrates the day he arrived from space! I punch my sister in the arm five dozen times at once for changing the channel while the video for "Hello" by Lionel Richie is on and I'm a monster! It's not fair! You don't call peasants rising up to overthrow a fascist dictator monsters! I was just taking back what was mine! I was renegotiating the sibling contract! I wasn't going to be the punching bag loser anymore! I would be on top! I would rule fairly! I would get to watch Lionel Richie's "Hello" in peace whenever I wanted!

Superman: American Alien #2 Rating: No change. The last page is an eight panel story about Doomsday pouting while floating in space because he can't kill anything. Poor baby! Then he finds some kind of Superman satellite and hitches a ride on it so he can punch Booster Gold in the face. As for the rest of the comic book, how am I supposed to feel about a story where Superman burns the arms off of some guy? I think it's a reasonable vision of Superman as a teenager. Between the old goofy Superboy stories and Superman as a responsible adult who understands the consequences of most of his actions lies a dark, dirty area of Superman's life that simply has to be full of tragedy, misdirected anger, and horrible accidental violence. I can't see any way past Superman's teen years being they hyperbolic version of everybody else's teen years. It's got to be hard and miserable and dark and messed up. Sure there will be bright spots! And there were also be loads of times when Clark simply gets lucky to not have killed somebody. This tale captures a bit of that by telling a story that also shows a bit of why Clark begins to embrace his role as a hero. I think the story I would have liked would have less to do with Clark's future would not have involved an actual crime and just involved mistakes being made by a teenager with super powers. But that's not the story I got, so I can't argue against this one because it wasn't what I would have done. I enjoyed it although Clark really was an ugly teenager in this thing.

Superman: American Alien #1

Signs! Signs! Everywhere there's signs! Fucking up M. Night Shyamalan's career! Breaking my mind! Was a twist in that piece of crap? Did anyone see Signs?

I haven't seen Signs since it was in theaters so I might not be remembering it correctly but I think the message was that everything happens for a reason and if you die or fail in your life, it's your own stupid fault because you didn't put all of the clues together that would have shown you the proper way to get through times of crisis. Although the message also could have been "Sometimes your dying loved one will say something completely random and meaningless as the oxygen is forever leaving their brain but it will haunt you until the day you die unless you somehow force it to be meaningful and then you can be content that your dying loved one died for a reason!" It's also possible the moral of the story is that sometimes bad things happen to boring people. For sure one of the messages is that if the director and writer of the movie appears in the movie and tells another character the basic premise of the movie, that character should really listen because the writer/director knows what the fuck he's talking about. Presumably. I mean, this writer/director did make Lady in the Water.

To be fair, I never say Lady in the Water. But then that's why I'm judging it so harshly! It made itself so uninteresting that I didn't even bother to see it! Therefore it must have been lousy, right?!

I don't know why I'm discussing M. Night Shyamalan movies (yes I do! It's because of the crop circles on the cover!) when I really should be discussing John Landis movies! Remember the opening scene of Twilight Zone: The Movie where Albert Brooks makes up lyrics to the theme song of the National Geographic specials? He sings stuff like "Look at that old man! He looks like an old ape! Bum bum!" I was twelve years old when that came out and I spent years after that believing the theme song actually had stupid lyrics like the ones Albert Brooks sang.

I probably shouldn't be discussing things John Landis did. I should be discussing things Max Landis has done and why he's now writing a Superman comic book. It's either because he did the short The Death and Return of Superman or because he wrote the unfilmed script Super Mario World. Any other possibilities pale in comparison to those two. Unless it's "pail in comparison"? Does making that cliche about buckets make it more interesting? You could also just read the last page of any DC comic book released on 11/11/2015 for reasons why Max Landis is writing this comic book but they're probably lies and boring to boot. I'm pretty sure Dan DiDio read the Super Mario World script and shouted to his secretary, "Get everybody on the horn! This Max Landis kid is gold! GOLD I TELL YOU!"

May I interject for a second to say something that probably would have flowed organically from what I previously wrote if I wasn't too lazy to build some bridging statements? That scene in The Death and Return of Superman where the DC Executives sit around a table trying to figure out how to make Superman interesting? I've masturbated to that. Figuratively! I meant figuratively, of course! [This is where I would type "la doi!" if I hadn't had the power to restrain myself from stealing from Community which is possibly the best half hour television comedy ever! Which is a powerful statement when you realize shows like 30 Rock and Arrested Development and A Third Show That Isn't Actually Any Good At All exist.] What I meant by the masturbation thing which I probably shouldn't have said at all because now I have to write all of these clarifying statements is that it's so spot on that I can't believe it's not actual footage! The other part he nails is parenting but I figuratively didn't masturbate to that!

This story, called "Dove", begins with Superman accidentally learning how to fly.

This scene proves how much the Kents love their weird alien son. Or else it shows how difficult, and possibly deadly, it is to let your children go.

In another scene, the Kents bring a family doctor out to the farm to give Clark a checkup. The doctor is all, "Your kid is weird." And the Kents are all, "Yeah, but is he healthy?" And the Doctor shrugs and says, "I dunno. I'm a doctor not a STAR Labs Professor of Alien Anatomy!"

Clark is too young for this story to be about his first sexual experience so I'm beginning to lose interest! Maybe when he goes to school later, he'll say something precocious and everybody will laugh! He does go to school but he doesn't do anything cute. Instead he finds out that he's going to go see a movie later with Lana Lang! That's where they wind up eating out of the same popcorn bucket!

I guess he's not too young to experience his first boner!

Actually, Clark winds up floating up into the sky again. The boner thing is probably apt. But instead of boners, it's the flying thing that's part of Kryptonian puberty. Plus this means he experienced his first boner while cuddling on the couch watching television with his mom. Gross.

Clark panics and hides in a nearby bathroom which he completely wrecks. That must be a metaphor for masturbating.

Later he asks Pa Kent if he's in trouble and Pa says "Yep." Hopefully he explains himself better and tells Clark that it's okay to masturbate but you should probably not do it in a public restroom. I mean, unless you really, really can't help yourself because you've been fantasizing about women bending over in sun dresses all day long and the only nearby place of privacy is a public restroom.

When my mom first discovered a Playboy I had hidden in my bathroom while cleaning, she just left it where it was and never mentioned it. Although I did realize later why she gave me that weird smile that either meant "I guess my son is heterosexual" or "You fucking pervert." The Playboy was the September 1978 issue featuring Rosanne Katon! I just had to spend twenty minutes consulting with Lord Google to figure that one out.

Once Pa Kent realizes that trying to pretend their son is normal is hurting their son, he begins treating him like the super boy he is. Now instead of teaching his son how to ride a bike or put on a condom, he's trying to teach him how to not pop boners in math class. I mean fly.

Pa Kent (I can't just say "Pa" because then I think I'm writing more Little House on the Prairie fan fiction) tries a number of different ways to teach Clark how to fly but they all fail. He just doesn't know what turns this kid on! But Ma Kent knows!

Boom! It's boner time!

I hope Ma Kent is talking about dinner and not just using "Sloppy Joe" as the most inappropriate nickname for her vagina that she could think of. It would probably also be wrong for her to be announcing to her weird son that it was Mom's Vagina Night. I also hate myself right now for comparing a vagina to a Sloppy Joe because vaginas are beautiful things that I want to put in my mouth and Sloppy Joes are...well, they're not beautiful, anyway. Also I would never put my dick in one. Probably.

Clark floats up into the sky again at the thought of eating Sloppy Joes for dinner. So when he gets overstimulated and excited, he begins to fly. His flight power is controlled by desire? I suppose some wacky excuse has to be made for why Superman can seemingly break the laws of physics by accelerating and decelerating without any kind of actual physical force involved. His flight has to be powered by something! So why not adolescent hormones out of control and which make a person nuts for Sloppy Joes and Lana Lang and his mother's boobs pressed up against his back as they cuddle while watching a late night horror movie?

Clark has managed to float away this time so Pa Kent runs over to his friend Ben--who knows Clark is a weirdo!--because Ben owns a plane and somebody needs to grab Clark before he disappears into space.

See? Total boner analogy.

The plane idea only works to rip Clark's sweatshirt into a red cape which slingshots him around and teaches him how to control his flying ability! Or something. What I do know is that the whole thing ends in a deflating boner proving that Clark now has control over his raging hormones!

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

Superman: American Alien #1 Rating: I can say with absolute certainty that this Superman story has never been told before. Sure, sure. Some people are saying, "But we have read stories where Superman has learned to fly!" But those are people who aren't Grandmaster Comic Book Readers and probably jerks who question people's status as a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader via anonymous messages! If you still have any doubts after reading this commentary where I guessed exactly what this story was about in the early pages then you're just doubting to be a big jerk! As I pointed out in just the first few pages of reading this comic, this story is not about Superman learning to fly but about Superman dealing with puberty's greatest surprise for boys: boners. I'm not sure Superman's boner has ever been mentioned let alone been the major plot device in any previous Superman story. So for that reason, this was a superb issue! A+! Five failing grades for refusing to get up and do the math problem on the board!