DC Comics Presents: The Darkseid War #1

Warning: most of these characters aren't actually in this comic book.

The Darkseid War in the pages of Justice League has been so confusing to so many DC fans that DC decided to publish some supplementary material to clear things up. They asked Jack Kirby to crawl out of his grave to write and draw these brand new stories and then publish them via time travel forty years ago. It's probably a lot of work and more complicated and confusing than what Geoff Johns is up to but DC Comics is run by assholes. So this is what you get, dicks.

[[MORE]] Jack's first story begins with an epilogue because Jack doesn't fucking care about your fucking rules. Jack probably drew this entire issue with his dick inside a mayonnaise jar. Don't fucking judge! It was Kosher mayo! Jack also ends every single sentence with a fucking exclamation point! I might be a little bit in love with him! This shit is so exciting!

Get it? "Death-Flash"?! Jack Kirby is a genius the way he immediately ties this story into the current Justice League run. "Run"?! Get it?!

Some people write comic books. Other people write great heaping piles of shit that other reluctantly admit can sort of fall into the category of comic books. And some people write mystic manifestos of mind-altering majesties and those people are named Jack Kirby! After the epilogue is over and all of the old gods are dead, Jack introduces the first of the New Gods: Orion! He wields the ASTRO-FORCE! He has heard the word and the word is battle! He has flown out of vast space "where the mysteries deepen, and hide, and wait with answers not yet known"! Holy shit! My aura just came!

Jack Kirby rightly declares right on the title page that this is "an epic for our time." Take that, Geoff Johns! You tried to subtly compare yourself to Homer but Jack has the balls to just come right out and declare it! This is a fucking epic, bitches!

I'm only four pages into this 100 page spectacular and my mind has already been blown! I don't know if I can take 96 more inches of Jack's literary cock!

Lightray shows up to help lead Orion back to New Genesis because Orion is blinded by battle! Probably. I mean, it's also possible he's just lost because space is pretty big. Lightray is the New God nobody ever names as their favorite.

This is what is known as "sexual banter." Now I want to name my penis Astro-Force! And my asshole "The Chamber Which No One May Enter!"

Orion doesn't have time to suck off Lightray! He needs to talk with High-father about trouble on Earth. Lightray points out that High-father is in the park staring creepily at the children.

Orion finds High-father and they go to stare at a blank wall. Orion can't help but admire High-father's Wonder-Staff. I wonder if Jack Kirby's dictionary had a misprint and defined "epic" as "gay porn"?

Metron interrupts before things get too weird.

Icy mask?! So catty, Orion!

Orion clenches up and contorts his body so that when he says to Metron "For a scrap of knowledge you would sell the universe into slavery!", everybody knows he has diarrhea.

High-father and the other members of New Genesis have no ability to pursue their own course in life so they wait for the mysterious flaming hand to write out messages on the Source Wall. Today it writes, "Help me--High-father puts his dick on me constantly--I am shamed!" It also suggests Orion go to Apokolips and then to Earth and then to War. While Orion struggles to read the words, Metron slyly points out that he knows Orion is Darkseid's son. High-father shushes him and compliments his wavy eyebrows that will be held back by no man nor god.

On his visit to Apokolips, Orion encounters some para-demons who try to stop him but they are overwhelmed by the sight of his Astro-Force. Orion lands and parks his bike by the giant Darkseid statue so it'll be easy to find when he's ready to leave.

Orion with his Astro-Force dribbling from use.

Orion finds the palace of Apokolips abandoned by everybody except a naked guy in tight fitting cut-off Levis with long hair and a beard. It is Kalibak the Cruel! He waves his giant phallus in Orion's face! But before Kalibak can compare his Beta-Club to Orion's Astro-Force, Metron arrives to seal Kalibak in an impenetrable field! Orion gapes at Metron because Metron really should close his legs while sitting in the Mobius Chair. Nobody wants to look at that.

Metron just came to tell Orion that he needs help but Orion says, "I know my task! I will do it well! High-father knows I will perish before I fail!" But does he really know his task? He must go to Apokolips and then go to Earth and then go to War. It's kind of vague. But that's okay because Metron has all of the details! I guess writing all of the details on the Source Wall would take too much time so the flaming hand just slipped Metron some notes to pass on to Orion. It seems Darkseid is building a complex system of tunnels underneath the Earth where his "Mass-Director Unit" will listen to the thoughts of all of Earth's citizens until it finds the one mind that knows the secret of the Anti-Life Equation! Why an Earthling knows it, I have no idea. I think it's because we're special or else we're all parts of an elaborate computer system called Earth that was purchased by Darkseid for the sole purpose of coming up with the Anti-Life Equation. That sounds reasonable because I once read a science book that said that's exactly the reason for the Earth's existence. It was called something about hitchhikers or something.

Metron leads Orion to some human prisoners Orion must take back to Earth and then leaves which releases Kalibak from his prison.

I feel flush!

A very sexy fight ensues where Orion's Astro-Force smothers some of Kalibak's Beta-Club emissions but Orion still catches some of the spray. Orion retaliates by ejaculating a powerful beam from his Astro-Force which knocks Kalibak off of his feet! Orion and the humans escape down a boom tube leaving Kalibak to yell uselessly at the wall.

On Earth, Orion learns that he rescued a secretary and an insurance broker and two other boring people. Mission accomplished! I can't believe the Source Wall wastes its time on rescuing nobodies.

The first chapter ends with the prologue and I'm left wondering who this great Jack Kirby was who flaunted the rules of literature so flagrantly! He also ends with the phrase "the king of evil--O'Deadly Darkseid." Hmm. That doesn't sound like something a genius like the one I've been worshiping since the start of this comic book would say! Jack Kirby was drunk when he wrote this, wasn't he?

The second story doesn't continue with the first story so now I have no idea if Darkseid ever tunneled under the proper person and learned the Anti-Life Equation! I guess that's because that part of the story is what Geoff Johns was writing! Oh yeah, that totally makes sense now!

The second story involves The Forever People so it's going to be shit. It also has a guest star!

Immortal?! Who the fuck knew?!

I thought this book was about the Darkseid War?! What the fuck are the Forever People doing in it? Dan Didio must be behind this bullshit. I'd better not have to read an OMAC or a Challengers of the Unknown story as well! Although I wouldn't mind if there were a tale of The Demon in here! I suppose those things won't happen because at least the Forever People are from New Genesis.

The story begins with Mark Moonrider calling Big Bear a "hairy ding-a-ling!" It's not as sexually powerful an image as the Astro-Force but at least it's still concerned with dicks. I was worried maybe this story was written by Jack Kirby when he was out of his "a dick in every pic" story telling phase.

The Forever People run a young couple off of a cliff but Vykin manages to save them with his inanimate girlfriend, Mother Box.

She was fine while almost dying but when a strange black man approaches the car, she faints.

If you're thinking, "Hey, Tess. That's not cool making a joke about some white kids being scared of a black guy because it's a serious issue that has cops everywhere treating black men and women as animals while giving tons of leeway to white people in the exact same situations," then I've got a follow up panel for you.

See? Scared white people.

Serifan points out to the others that the young lady is scared of Black Vykin so he rushes to her side with a bouquet of flowers. She feels much safer with a white guy reassuring her. Before Serifan can get lucky, Bobby and his girlfriend rush off to take pictures of the boom tube to sell to Jimmy Olsen for a pittance of what Jimmy will be paid by the Daily Planet. But they'll feel good about helping!

The Forever People have come to Earth to rescues Beautiful Dreamer from Darkseid's clutches. He stole her for the same reason Bowzer stole Princess Peach: patriarchal bullshit. Darkseid has also hired Inter-gang as his Earth henchmen because he's too stupid to realize that will attract Superman's attention.

At the Daily Planet, Superman ponders if the people of Earth secretly hate and resent him. Yes, Superman. Yes they do. Jimmy rushes in with the boom tube photos he practically stole from his friends.

The resolution on his friend's photos is amazing for the seventies!

Superman rushes off to investigate the kids and is attacked by Inter-gang because they believe in Dracula. Wait a second. Let me reread that. Let's see...more to Darkseid...crime empire...small apples...makes me believe that Dracula is alive and well in Transylvania. Yeah, I guess I read that correctly.

Superman is blasted by Inter-gang but he retaliates by tearing down a telephone pole and hurling it through the helicopter, killing the crew. No, no! He knew they would all bail out and parachute to safety. And I'm sure the telephone wires he toppled weren't important at all. Anyway, Superman meets up with the Forever People and they call him a clown.

Some shit goes down and the Forever People are forced to call Infinity Man for help. Talk about a clown! Hoo boy! Not only does he operate to different universal laws, he also follows different universal fashion trends. Infinity Man shouts for Darkseid to surrender and Darkseid appears and says, "Yeah, yeah. Let's not fight because Beautiful Dreamer was no help to me. Take her with you and we'll call this a draw." And then there's a denouement and then Superman almost bails on Earth and then he's sad for a bit and then it's over.

The third story is the origin of Mister Miracle. It's going to escape my commentary because these 100 page spectaculars take forever to write about.

The final story is the story of the peace treaty between New Genesis and Apokolips and the exchange of sons between High-father and Darkseid. Everybody knows that story! Except maybe Geoff Johns who decided that Metron didn't build the Mobius Chair like he did in this story. Instead he decided everything was different because his way is obviously better than Jack Kirby's drunken way! So instead of Metron building the Mobius Chair, the Mobius Chair was built by the Anti-Monitor. Also there's that stuff about Scott Free and Orion being exchanged.

DC Comics Presents: The Darkseid War #1 Rating: Now I totally understand the current Darkseid War happening in Justice League! This tie-in was perfectly named! It...oh fuck it. It was a DC cash grab to resell old stories to people who can't stop masturbating at the thought of Geoff Johns' Justice League. I hope they got what they were searching for! I don't know what that may have been. I actually think three of these stories were good stories to tell as background for the Justice League's Darkseid War. I'm going to assume that it was reprinted because most of it is canon. Even the part about Metron building the chair is probably canon because he probably just built the boom tube which led him to the chair already built. The only problem I have with this collection is the Forever People story. It didn't belong in this thing except to maybe include Superman, a character at least most fans have heard of compared to the rest. Although it's not like he was advertised as being a part of this book so that's just a flimsy excuse for including a story that Dan Didio probably insisted on. I don't think I have the endurance to write about any more comics that are this long! I spend enough time already on twenty page comic books!