New Suicide Squad #20

I probably wouldn't pay to go see this action thriller, German Castle Thrill Climb III.

The Review or Whatever!
Currently, the Suicide Squad...excuse me...the new Suicide Squad is trapped in a room in a German castle called the Fleischhaus as dozens of psychotic game-players are hunting them down for points. But they have nothing to fear because Amanda Waller with her new friend, The Hunky Punk, is coming to save them! Also they have nothing to fear because members of the Suicide Squad don't die anymore. Only Amanda Waller's assistants die.

If you read the book, Floyd Lawton summarizes the book in one panel the way that I just summarized the book. Sometimes that doesn't happen as clearly or concisely in DC comics which is why I like to remind myself what was going on. Otherwise, I spend five to six pages reading the comic book like my aunt watches movies. "Who is that character? Why is he hurting that person? What are they even trying to do?" Why DC doesn't just take the hit and rip-off Marvel's First Page Synopsis idea, I don't know. Who cares how many Marvel Zombies are going to thrill at pointing out how DC is once again stealing from Marvel! Think of the older fans you're hurting by not reminding us of the story we read a whole fucking month ago! Plus, you'd be helping my blood pressure because writers inevitably spend way more than one page reminding readers what was happening previously. Oh! And think about how much better the collected editions would read if the Synopsis Page were dumped and the story just kept going without these weird bits where characters remind each other what was going on in the previous few pages!

Using Harley's knowledge of psyches, Deadshot formulates a plan that makes sense. The dialogue is entertaining and the characters of Deadshot and Harley have seldom shined through as much in this book. It also gives a quite valid reason for having Harley on the team. Actually, two reasons. First, she knows how criminals think, both the demented and non-demented kind. Second, as Floyd states, she's a wild card that makes the non-demented kind of criminal uneasy. This opening scene and discussion (which leads to the first big battle of the book) is reminiscent of Ostrander's 80's version of the team. Why Rob Williams was tapped to write the new team instead of Tim Seeley, I don't know. I'm sure Rob Williams won't make it as boring as he wound up making Martian Manhunter.

Apparently you can take a character a long way with just two major points of characterization. Hmm. Maybe the mustache isn't major.

While the Squad fights to save their lives, Rose Tattoo, the spirit of murder, rises and begins stalking the Fist of Cain. The name Rose Tattoo makes me think of Justin Long. You figure out the connection yourself. I'm busy.

Amanda, Hunky Punk, and Captain Boomerang are headed in to save the Squad. Hunky Punk should be worried that he's the only one of the group with a fake Who's Who entry! Although El Diablo doesn't actually have an entry either. I mean, there's an entry for El Diablo but it isn't this guy. Which is why he's always sort of the one that might possibly be killed! Although I still think he'll be killed in the movie.

During the flight, they have a discussion about being heroes. Or the possibility of having been heroes instead of dumb jerks.

If I were a villain, I would be Captain Boomerang. I know I chose to be Captain Cold when I hosted my first gaming convention but that's mostly because I'm a lot like him as well and I didn't have to speak in an Australian accent all night.

The New Suicide Squad discover evidence of Rose Tattoo having manifested inside the castle. Deathtrap invoked her name earlier so she's probably going to kill him. That would be too bad because he and Hunky Punk really need to start a Suicide Squad United Kingdom. Once the Rose Tattoo panic sets in, everything goes to shit. That's when Waller's squad arrives! Just in time to save Harley's life! Too bad for Hunky Punk though.

He really should have considered the consequences of joining a Suicide Squad full of death-immune characters.

Waller and the group rescue the others but Adam, the guy running the show, winds up knocking Waller out and convincing Deathtrap to shoot Deadshot in the face. He'll be okay though because Waller, a few panels earlier, made sure to mention how heavy he was in all of his armor. The issue ends with Cheetah attacking Rose Tattoo while El Diablo and Harley make a run for it. Captain Boomerang is unaccounted for so he's probably about to save the day! Unless he already did save the day?

This panel might be Deathtrap shooting Deadshot in the face. It could also be a boomerang blowing up Deathtrap's gun!

New Suicide Squad #18

Since the Squad is clearly using projectile weapons for this attack, Cheetah should be bent over ready to spray.

Rating: +1 Ranking.

This issue was weird and annoying but ultimately satisfying in its final explanation of what's going on. Last issue felt like a return to what I think of as the Suicide Squad Status Quo. The team was working a mission for the government which the government didn't want to be associated with. But then they all died which is a classic Suicide Squad cliffhanger, right?! But this issue ends in another place and time with Harley telling a story about a lunch lady. So confusing! Because it's been a month and I couldn't even remember, at the start of this issue, how the previous issue ended! It all came back in time since Harley provided a recap of last issue. Turns out the Squad was saved by yet another organization that wants to use the Squad for good with the bait being that they can eventually kill Amanda. So annoying! The whole premise was on track and then Seeley changes it up to a whole new thing that's kind of like the old thing but different somehow! The team is taken to Germany where they meet an almost exact replica of the nineties Xcalibur team (unless it was Xforce (or Xtinction (or Xallthe90steamswereidiotic))) whom they party with. But as they party, one of them is shot in the head and its a trap! The whole thing was just a chance for the Fist of Cain to lure the Squad into one of their games where they score points for kills! So satisfying! And now Amanda needs to help save her team! Hopefully with a new team assembled under the leadership of Captain Boomerang!

I should also point out that this comic book has the most disturbing image of any comic book I've ever read ever (and I'm pretty sure I've read comic books depicting nonconsensual necrophilia (you'd think all necrophilia would be nonconsensual but you'd be wrong because the consensual stuff is hot)): Captain Boomerang being stabbed in the open mouth with a pizza trowel. The way its depicted sliding between his teeth? Oh god. My stomach is heaving just typing that. Also because I'm looking at it again and...ugh. Oh god. I have to go now.

New Suicide Squad #17

Tim Seeley is writing? Does that mean an end to mediocre bullshit? Or am I about to start criticizing a writer I actually like?!

Rating: +1 Ranking.

Now, I wouldn't mind rating it higher but I'm taking a let's wait and see attitude. Overall, I liked the framing story much better than any of the previous framing stories for the Squad. Amanda explains it and sets up what to expect and she does it in a way in which her character would be expected to explain it. This might be some of her best characterization so far. Lawton explicitly has a death wish. Harley's a bit nuts but in a servicable way. Diablo I don't really fucking care about but I think he'll add a nice layer to the team. And Cheetah...well, whatever. She's sexy!

But...spoiler!...that lineup doesn't matter. Because they've all been killed by a mysterious super person! No, seriously! They're all dead. It was right there in the comic book on Waller's computer that monitors their vital signs! It was a flat red line and everything! So I guess Seeley needs to put together a new team and I hope it'll have New Wave working with Captain Boomerang because I can't get enough of women beating the shit out of Digger.

This might be only the second time I'm recommending picking up this comic book. I think it's finally going to start heading in the right direction. Although do I really need to recommend people pick this up when everybody is suddenly a fan of the Suicide Squad because it's going to be a movie? Where were they when Ostrander was writing this book and I was rereading it constantly because it was so fucking good?! Oh, that's right. Most of them probably weren't even born yet. Never mind!

New Suicide Squad #16

Sixteen issues to get back to status quo.

Rating: -2 Ranking. Crappy dialogue adds that special hint of extra suck that this story probably didn't need. This story puts an end to the Vic Sage nonsense that never should have begun in the first place. I still have no idea why he was introduced. I don't know how he was supposed to make the book better. I don't know why, plotwise, he was even added to the team! But he's gone, Bonnie's gone, and Amanda is back running her regular team out of Belle Reve. This book doesn't have to be so complicated, guys. In fact the one thing this book is supposed to do, it hasn't done for sixteen issues. No villains have died. No villains have even come close to dying because whoever is editing this shit seems to think this book will only sell if it's packed with popular villains who have no chance of being killed. Sure, some Man-bats died but that's like killing Stormtroopers. And Bonnie died in this issue but she was just part of the Vic Sage story that needed to be swept under the burning rug inside the gasoline doused property.

Seriously. I don't know how DC can get such a simple concept like the Suicide Squad so fucking wrong. Did anybody currently at DC even read the Ostrander run?!

New Suicide Squad #15

I'm not bragging when I say I could draw a better cover because this cover is crap and I draw slightly better than crap.

Deadshot, Boomerang, Harley, and probably Parasite have decided to work with Amanda Waller because she's offered them their freedom if they help her destroy Vic Sage. She must have been crossing her fingers when she made that deal because the Suicide Squad movie is just on the horizon and it stars Harley, Deadshot, and Boomerang. So fans of the movie are going to be expecting those characters in the Squad in the coming year. Although they might be surprised to find Floyd Lawton looks less like the Fresh Prince and more like Pornstache.

The team is headed to Dallas to find evidence linking Vic Sage to a company that is in direct conflict with the Squad's goals. That's the kind of thing that employers frown on. Like when you're a cook at Burger King and you've got a second job writing ads for McDonalds where Ronald takes a huge dump on the Burger King's head. I'm sure those ads exist but they probably only air in other countries like Belgium and Croatia. You know, countries where shitting on other people is seen as insulting.

This is why I read shitty comic books!

I still find it fun reading and writing about shitty comic books but I definitely find it less fun at times than I used to find it less fun. If you know what I'm saying. Like right now, I'm interested in reading this issue and I want to write something funny about it or me as I do it but I also want to just sit in front of the Xbox and play some Blood Bowl. I also feel a bit stressed about how much work I should put into each commentary when previously I would write really short ones if I simply had nothing to say. Now I feel like I need to say more! And yet, I also realize that shorter is better on the internet! And then I've got a huge stack of comics because I'm so far behind and DC Comics just won't stop for one fucking week with the new comic books! It's like they're obsessed with them! I keep telling myself that I'm going to take a few days one week to just do a bunch of really short commentaries on a bunch of books to make some headway. But when I sit down to do that, I'm really eager to read and write about comic books. That translates into writing way too much on the first comic book I read, really enjoying the finished work, and then patting myself on the back and going off to play Call of Duty for four hours. Maybe I should set a timer and just do some speed reads! I bet those would be fantastic! Especially for me and for people who love to type "TL;DR"!

The entire team is pretty fucked up right now. Deadshot can't shoot straight. Parasite can't suck energy. Boomerang is a stubborn asshole who will probably betray everybody else at the drop of a cream pie. And Harley Quinn is a depressed clown that has lost the ability to laugh and/or shove things into her clown car. It's a pretty sorry state of affairs but for a government task force, I'd say it's above par.

Toothpaste! Err, Two Shades! Um, Tush Aids? What do fencers say when they stab each other?

Boomerang and Harley are trying to find something to jump start Parasite's powers. But Harley is acting like a total rag so Boomer says something to her that's similar to me calling her a rag and she gets totally pissed off for some reason. I don't know why but women hate being called a rag. I tested it out at Starbucks and was slapped fifteen out of seven times. I got slapped a lot more than just once by each woman.

Waller and Deadshot have taken Miss Pesta, the CEO of Calvary, hostage so they can ask her some questions about Vic Sage.

Apparently Miss Pesta is a beast cursed to find somebody who will love her.

Waller learns that The Pearl Group (I don't know which group is the top corporation. Pearl. Corvus. Calvary. One of those) wanted to see the end of the Task Force X program because they kept screwing up their shady international business. They heard Vic Sage was unhappy in his role with Task Force X so they formed a team to bring down the Suicide Squad. Miss Pesta doesn't give a shit about it anymore and just wants to wash her hands of it all. So she's selling out Vic Sage and asking Waller to just call it a draw.

It sounds like a writer is tying up loose plot threads! Is Ryan's time on the book almost up?

Miss Pesta points out that world governments have lost all power to corporations so The Pearl Group is more powerful than Amanda's bosses. The issue ends before Amanda can strike a deal with Miss Pesta which allows the Suicide Squad to work for the Pearl Group. So I guess Sean Ryan has at least one more issue in him so he can get that plot point working and the Suicide Squad can stop working for the government.

Meanwhile in Belle Reve, Vic Sage has set Black Manta free so that Black Manta will kill Waller for him. Hopefully Manta will just go back to trying to kill Aquaman and completely renege on the deal.

New Suicide Squad #15 Rating: No change. This issue had a lot of people sitting in an office talking. It wasn't the enjoyable kind of talking that I clamor for where people say witty dialogue and then somebody responds with wittier dialogue and then somebody references Shakespeare and I think, "Was that a line from Ren and Stimpy?" Then maybe somebody sucks somebody else's genitals and I spend five minutes in the bathroom before getting back to the comic book. Those are the kinds of comic books I like! I wonder why I'm reading so many DC Comics then? I must not like having fun!

New Suicide Squad #14

Doesn't this look like a wacky road trip of fun?

Last issue ended with Vic Sage pushed the buttons to blow up the heads of all of the Suicide Squad members. It doesn't really matter though because this cover is assuring me that nobody's head exploded. Not that I expected anybody's head to actually explode! This is the New Suicide Squad, after all. And the main thing that differentiates The New Suicide Squad from the previous incarnations of the Suicide Squad is that nobody dies in this one. It's been fourteen issues and the only corpses the team has to show for their suicidal efforts are a few dozen Man-Bats. And those aren't anything special. Everybody has a few of those lying around. Sure, they also lost Reverse-Flash but he just traveled back in time. That's not even a speed bump to somebody linked to the Speed Force.

I'm pretty sure you're going to have to explain it to somebody!

Vic Sage decides to explain his actions a little bit to Bonnie. He points out that Waller has gone rogue and he doesn't want her using Task Force X assets to help her with whatever she plans on doing. She's probably planning on ruining Sage and destroying his relationship with Corvus Corp. Also she probably plans on simply destroying Corvus Corp because it's probably full of murderers. Why else would they choose the name Corvus?

Waller rallies her troops and tells them about how Vic Sage should be the first person to die in this comic book. He has been kind of useless. The only reason the Squad needs two people to lead it is so that one of them could wind up being a traitor. I hope I predicted that in an earlier issue. I probably did. No need to fact check that. If I just write a few more sentences that don't really say anything but distract me long enough, I'll simply remember the statement that "I hope I predicted that" as "I totally fucking predicted that." Boom. Done! I'm a genius.

Part of Waller's speech to her team involves mentioning that she disengaged the neck bombs before the mission. The Squad reacts predictably.

They all have long distance weapons. Why the fuck are they charging her?! No, no! I already know the answer to that! Fuck you, and/or comic books!

Boomerang is supposed to be a master of the boomerang and yet he gets close enough to Waller to get kicked in the chin. He's an idiot.

Here's a question that I may have asked before: why have a character whose prime ability is to throw boomerangs when he creates them out of thin air and never has to worry about them returning to him? Isn't that the main appeal of a boomerang?! I've seen nerdy kids in the park throwing them around and they never have more than one. Who needs the thing to come back if you can simply create as many as you want? Come to think of it, Batman's rarely come back either. I guess they both just use them because they're easily controlled projectiles which you can aim at anything anywhere without having to rely on a straight line of attack. Although that brings me back to my first criticism: why is Boomer getting so fucking close to battle Waller?! He's an idiot.

Of course they're a crutch! They keep him at a distance and out of danger! He shouldn't even be in hand-to-hand combat!

Lawton takes down Amanda as Amanda is kicking Harley's ass. After that, the three of them kick the shit out of her for a bit before Lawton threatens to blow Amanda's head off. That's when Amanda finally decides to let the Squad in on her little secret. Although even seconds before her brain eats a bullet, she's still acting coy and refusing to get to the point. How badly does she not want to save her own life?! I don't know if she's stupid or brave but I do know that the first thing I would have screamed when the Squad began jumping over pews to kick my face in is "IF I DIE THE BOMBS IN YOUR NECK WILL EXPLODE!" I wouldn't say I'm a coward. I'd say I'm a survivor at any cost who long ago cut out the word "dignity" from my dictionary.

Waller tells the Squad that if they help her bring down Vic Sage, she'll let them go free. I guess at that point, Harley Quinn will finally be able to star in her own monthly comic and her own bimonthly comic and a whole shitload of one shots and a mini-series to boot. Up until now, she hasn't had the time because she's been incarcerated in Belle Reve. I think.

Back at Belle Reve, Vic Sage realizes he needs some muscle on his side. Bonnie probably won't help him because she's probably working for Checkmate. So he finds an inmate who hates Amanda Waller enough to help him out: Black Manta. Is that the only thing Black Manta lives for? Vengeance on a few very particular people? He can't define himself except through his hatred of other people? Seriously, he hasn't pursued his own interests since Aquaman killed his father. Every decision has been based on Aquaman. I guess at least now he has a choice again. Does he try to kill Aquaman or Amanda? Ugh. People actually like this guy? I hate Black Manta simply because that oversized helmet on a usually too long neck completely freaks me the fuck out.

New Suicide Squad #14 Rating: No change. Still nobody died! What the fuck, Suicide Squad? Why are you fucking teasing me like this?! Fourteen issues plus an annual and this book has yet to kill anybody on the team! What pisses me off the most is that every issue begins with the introduction that states "Officially, they are called Task Force X. Unofficially, they have a more accurate name...Suicide Squad." It isn't accurate at all! Is there a dictionary in the offices at DC? I want somebody to go pick up that dictionary and look up the word "suicide"! Also look up the word "boomerang" because I don't think they understand what one is or how it works. Most of the time when you use the boomerang as a weapon, you don't charge the kangaroo, get right in its face, and hurl the boomerang as hard as you can so you inevitably completely miss while also getting kicked in the junk by the kangaroo. At least I don't think that's how you use one. The only boomerang I've ever thrown was one of those nerf ones that doesn't actually look like a boomerang but it still comes back when you throw it. Unless you threw it right at your sister's face and then it never comes back because your stupid mom locks it away in a drawer.