Telos #6

What the fuck?

Rating: -4 Ranking.

What just happened? I mean, I know the best thing that happened! This comic series just ended! But holy crows what a nonsensical ending! I'll admit it was refreshing to see a comic book end with the main character completely losing everything and being stranded in nowhere and having no future and never finding his family and crying himself to sleep in an empty crater. I didn't expect that! But the whole Parallax fighting to save a fake Coast City bit? Why even bother? Telos really lost control of his own title here! The cover should have read Parallax #1.

I get that this most likely wasn't the next intended chapter in the story and was just whipped up to offer some kind of closure after the cancellation. But that doesn't stop me from feeling completely perplexed by this entire Telos experience.

I feel a little bit bad that this comic book was so terrible and didn't tell any kind of interesting story at all. I wonder why DC thought it was an interesting idea? Was this just DC desperately wanting to believe that Convergence wasn't a complete failure? I mean, if I fixed a meal I thought was the best meal ever prepared and it gave everybody such horrible food poisoning that they vomited and shit themselves into a state of dehydration, I wouldn't proclaim it a success while trying to sell the recipe. Probably.

Telos #5

Remember when Parallax helped stop the destruction of the infinite universes? Neither do I! But it's canon!

Rating: No change.

I read this comic book so quickly that I'm not sure I gave it enough of a chance. Although it's issue #5 of Telos so I'm surprised I'm giving it any fucking chance at all! I've never thought of myself as somebody with too much money to burn but this might be proof that I have at least two dollars and ninety-nine cents too much money every month.

Is there a comic book reviewer out there who is intimately familiar with Homer's The Odyssey so that they can point out why every single story in this series is being told? Who or what does Parallax represent? Is he a Lotus Eater? I would read The Odyssey myself but I'm too busy reading highbrow shit like Lemony Snicket and Scott Lobdell comic books.

Telos #4

If DC actually wants this book to sell, they should call it Robot Sex Orgy.

Rating: -1 Ranking. The cover doesn't lie! This issue is just a bunch of robots bashing other robots until they go offline. I guess there's also a betrayal of sorts but I won't spoil that Brainiac sides with Telos in the end and Computo gets fucked. I guess this was the Trojan War story that Homer told so that he could tell his Odyssey story. It did involve a virus which is also sometimes called a Trojan Horse! See? Parallels! Now Telodysseus has left his compatriots to head home to reunite with his family. Except he doesn't know where they are. It's also possible this part of the story paralleled some other part of the Odyssey that I'm not familiar with. I only remember the things most people remember like the part where John Goodman hits George Clooney on the back of the head and the part where the washing women sing a song and the part where Poseidon gets angry. The only part of The Iliad I remember is the part where Achilles shield is described and also the part where Achilles drags his dead lover around the city walls. Oh, and the horse, of course!

I think this story only exists because Jeff King pitched the idea of a story that paralleled the Odyssey and everybody at the pitch meeting went, "I'm smart enough to pretend to think that is awesome!"

Telos #3

Here's a simple trick for gauging the quality of a comic book: the more creators credited on the cover, the worse the issue is going to be.

I haven't watched it yet but before heading to work last night, I noticed one of the weird non-cable television channels that only shows old movies and commercials about drugs or lawsuits pertaining to drugs was showing Motel Hell so I set the Channelmaster to record it. I probably haven't seen that movie in thirty-five years. And yes that means that I probably saw the movie when I was eight or nine. My mom didn't want me seeing boobies in movies but she didn't mind if people got hacked up and made into jerky. It's probably why I'm so well adjusted. If this movie isn't as exciting as a man wearing a pig's head over his face and hacking up motel guests, I'm going to abandon it and go watch my movie!

Telos had recently made some friends in prison on Colu. They're helping him to overthrow the tyrant Computo and his lapdog Validus because Brainiac wants his planet back. Unless there were other reasons for the conflict. It's hard to keep fifty-two or more different plots straight from month to month, especially for titles I'm not interested in. This is one of those, in case you are bad at reading comprehension.

Validus attacked at the end of the last issue so this one picks up during that battle. Telos also telosgraphs that somebody will die before the issue is over. He actually says "before the day is over" and the day might last more than this issue but I hope not because I'll feel like I was scammed. Here are the characters we have to choose from who might die:

Captain Comet: No way. Even though he's not the most important character in the DC Universe, he's a favorite among really nerdy readers. And you don't piss off the severely nerded.
Captain K'rot: Technically he's not the real Captain Carrot because DC Comics doesn't want to pay any bonus money to Scott Shaw and Roy Thomas but he won't be killed off anyway. Because then they'd have to bring Captain Carrot back from Multiversity world, a place where apparently DC will pay any royalties they must so they can watch Morrison jerk off on nostalgia.
Stealth: Stealth is a possibility because she has such a simple name and an easy power to replicate. Plus she's new as of Threshold. I think. It's so hard to tell which characters have been brought back from Limbo and which ones are freshly minted buttercups.
Techne: It could possibly be Techne because she's just a female version of Brainiac-5. But that's also an argument for keeping her.
Telos: Oh man I hope it's Telos! Then I never have to buy another issue of this idiotic idea of a comic.

After laying out my arguments (were those arguments? Whatever), I've decided it will be Captain Comet. His death will be the easiest to explain away when he reappears later in the story. It'll be some latent power that all super-evolved humans have or something.

Oh wait. Is that a cop out? I think that's a cop out!

Validus isn't dead so now I'm not so sure anybody will actually die. Telos may have just been acting dramatic.

Telos opens a portal and sends Validus into space which, as I read about it happening, causes me to think, "Why didn't he just do that first? And why are they taking the short way to the Super Secret Data Center if Telos can open portals in space? And when will Captain K'rot begin making jokes about being an alcoholic?"

Meanwhile Computo is pissed off that things aren't going his way. Poor dolt should have gone to the Harvest School of Super Villainy! There he would have learned to act as if every thing that ever happened was all part of your plan. Now instead of looking like an undefeatable bad-ass, he just looks like a sorry asshole that has to ask Brainiac for help. Which was part of the plan since the beginning so maybe he did take some classes at Harvest U. He just needs to tone down his temper.

Telos and Friends decide to go destroy some Psions before completing Braniac's plan. I mean Telos's plan. I mean Computo's plan. You know what? I think it's time I admit I don't know what's happening anymore. I know Telos wants to find his family and Techne wants to free Colu and the others probably just want to escape. So that probably means that even though Brainiac manipulated Telos into doing work for him (and maybe Computo?), it doesn't really matter anymore because everybody has their own agendas now.

First agenda: destroy the Psions!

Or startle them into setting the self-destruct sequence and destroying themselves.

This isn't as exciting as cannibalism but I'm almost done with it so I guess I should finish.

Techne injected a virus into Computo (I think?) and now his control over Colu is breaking down (I think?) so the gang must destroy Computo's back-up and Computo's body to save the world (I think?). Unless destroying him just hastens the demise of Colu? I don't know. Whatever's happening, Telos ends this issue facing off against Computo and Brainiac while the rest of the gang get stuck in the same cliffhanger as last issue:

Validus attacks! Again! I think!

Telos #3 Rating: -2 Ranking. Three issues in and I don't see the point of this comic book. Since I don't believe that our lives or the universe has any inherent meaning behind it, I like my art that was actually created on purpose by sentient beings to have some kind of meaning. It's a small pet peeve of mine. I'll accept that life has no greater meaning than to perpetuate itself. I mean, that's already pretty weird in the first place, right? But think about it. The reason life which accidentally was created by complete accident continues to exist is because it was accidentally created with the need to keep existing. If life had been created without that need or drive (and it probably has been created that way billions of times!), it would cease to exist after living its lonely life. Therefore life which continues to exit continues to exist because it needed to be able to continue to exist to continue to exist. It's simple philosophy! Unless it's math. Or science? Um, whatever! Unlike this comic book, I had a point! Oh yeah! I accept that in the greater scheme of things, life is meaningless. But we are sentient beings who desire meaning! Thus we project whatever meaning we think appropriate onto our lives or our existence or the reason sharks have dead eyes. I want to read stories that encourage the illusion of meaning! Why do I want to read something that's a perfect reflection of reality?! Don't give me a story that doesn't matter and has no meaning and then call it Telos! That's just fucking depressing, man!

Telos #2

Wait a second. I'm still reading this?!

Captain K'rot has been called in from the bench to make this comic book interesting! He must be part of the rebellion on Colu trying to overthrow Validus and Computo. Hopefully I'll remember who all of his friends are as I begin reading the comic book but it's unlikely. I was mostly drunk while reading Threshold because I had turned it into a drinking game.

Telos has decided to reenact The Odyssey because it has so many exciting chapters. There's the part with the cyclops and the part with the dog and the part with the shooting contest and the part with the sirens and the part with the Scylla and Charybdis and the part with Xena and the part with the blind man and the part with the Nemean Lion and the part with the hydra and the part with the cockatrice and the part with the kraken and the part with the Trojan War and the part where the ghost says "GET OUT!" I may have gotten some of those parts mixed up because I read every single book on myths I could get my hands on in elementary school as well as The Amityville Horror. I also read all of the Oz books and all of the Mouse and the Motorcycle books but I can tell when I'm thinking of one of those stories and not a myth. Because I just ask myself, "Now, Tess, was there a big round mechanical man in that story? Did he fall through the center of the Earth? Were there flying monkeys and evil gnome kings? Was there a mouse riding around on a toy motorcycle? Then it probably wasn't one of Hercules's twelve labors." I also read The Hobbit in elementary school because my sister checked it out of the library (who fucking knows why?! She's never been into fantasy literature at all! Come to think of it, I'm not even sure she can read!) and I saw it had pictures of monsters in it.

On the second page of this issue, Telos reveals his real identity: Arak, Son of Thunder! Ooh! Ooh! That's so fucking exciting I just pulled a bladder muscle! Is that a believable excuse for pissing myself? I wish I'd taken an anatomy class in college.

I'll talk about Arak, Son of Thunder in a Who's Who Update Special Spectacular after this since I haven't done one of those in a long time. I really should stop taking on projects only to completely forget about them because I'd rather just waste time by thinking about nonsense and naked women. When I first began doing New 52 Who's Who Updates, I had meant to keep up with all of the characters as they were reintroduced into The New 52. I sure have failed at that! At least I did most of the Villains Month characters.

Telos allows himself to become a prisoner on Colu because that seems like the best way to infiltrate Computo's fortress. Remember the prison in Lost Army #5? Remember how the cells were connected to all of the important places that could help the inmates escape? I guess Colu prisons are the same way! Once Telos is inside, he'll meet the rebels who are bad at their revolting and were caught. Then they'll devise some kind of plan that probably involves Captain K'rot digging a tunnel and missing that left turn at Albuquerque.

Telos remembers fucking his wife when he was Arak, Son of Thunder! I wish he'd remembered a different moment with less blanket.

Telos tells himself his origin story because I guess he forgot most of it until just recently so he just wanted to make sure he had it all straight. Brainiac came to steal his planet and to save his family and his people, Arak surrendered to Brainiac. He'd hoped to betray Brainiac but Brainiac wiped his memories and turned him into a much more boring character. Maybe this book should just be about Telos remembering stories from when he was Arak because his life as a shaman is more interesting than his life as Odysseus.

Captain K'rot is in prison with his partner Stealth and Captain Comet. I don't know how Captain Comet wound up here but he's like super evolved so I guess he can go wherever he wants to go. K'rot lost his ship as Telos arrived on Colu in a meteor swarm and now K'rot thinks Telos owes him a new one.

What a conveniently placed service shaft! Comic book prison architects must accept huge bribes to build their prisons so that the prisoners have access to everything they need.

The plan (which is actually a trap) goes off without a hitch except for the one hitch where Captain Comet doesn't do what he's supposed to do because he's distracted by evidence that the Psions are conducting eugenics experiments on Colu. Telos insists that they find his family before they destroy the Psions. But when Techne argues that if Psions are on Colu then his family might not exist, he relents immediately and decides to destroy the Psions first. I suppose he's smart enough to know better than to argue with a Twelfth-Level Intellect! Although he doesn't actually listen to her either because after she finds the location of the Psions, he decides to lead everybody back to Brainiac before going on the mission to kill the Psions. I thought Kyle Rayner killed them all but I guess the dirty little bastards are hard to wipe out.

Too bad on the way to Brainiac, Validus attacks! Validus is like a big baby that's evil and strong. I know most babies aren't strong but I think maybe the "evil" part was redundant.

Telos #2 Rating: No change. I suppose I could have raised the ranking this month because this issue was much better than the previous one which wasn't universe shattering at all. But it's still about a character I don't care about at all! Maybe I'd care a little bit more about him if I had been a fan of Warlord in the seventies and early eighties. But he gained a retinue which makes the book more interesting because a few of the characters from Threshold have found a new home. I'm much more interested in Stealth and Captain K'rot than I'll ever be in Telos. Plus Captain Comet reappears and there have to be at least a dozen people who love a good Captain Comet comic book.

Telos #1

Will somebody tell me why I bought this shit?

I guarantee that by the time I'm done reading this comic book, I'm going to hate myself for having thrown away three dollars. I'm still upset that I didn't just spend two months taking time off from reading comic books during Convergence. Now I'm going to torture myself by reading about this uninteresting prick who pretty much did bugger all throughout that series? Who the fuck was curious about what happened to this guy? Who are the asshole fans that were clamoring for more Telos? No seriously. Tell me. I could use some practice slapping people in the face.

The issue begins with Telos angry at Brainiac. That's because Brainiac used him and probably destroyed his planet and probably killed his family. Although I suspect that Telos probably killed his family and Brainiac gave him a boon of forgetfulness. That's the kind of cool thing Brainiac does for people, right? I mean, as long as they can be turned into immortal slaves forced to do all of his bidding, of course.

Telos attacks Brainiac looking for the truth. But he probably doesn't want to know the truth! That's why he's forgotten it! How many times has this story been written where somebody has their memory wiped because they don't want to know what they've done but then they realize that their memory has been wiped and they try to discover the truth and then when they discover the truth they say, "Oh yeah! That's why I wiped my memory!" I know it was done at least once in Red Dwarf. And I think that's happening with Noah Bennett's character in Heroes Reborn right now. It happened to Jason Todd in Red Hood and the Outlaws around issue twenty or so. And I'm pretty sure there were some examples in famous plays as well. And possibly some music videos by The Police! Telos isn't familiar with any of those things although he's familiar with the story of Odysseus which might have some memory loss parts in it. But I think the main reason he's thinking about Odysseus is because he's trying to get back to his family after being away for years.

Telos seems to be getting the better of Brainiac when the scene shifts to the capital of Colu where Computo is hanging out with Validus. Maybe they're supposed to make this comic book interesting.

Ooh! Exciting!

Telos wants to know the location of his family but--surprise!--Brainiac doesn't remember where they are! Oh no! Does that mean Telos will have to go through some sort of long, drawn out adventure to discover the information? And then he'll have to go on a long, drawn out adventure trying to find them! And then he'll go on a long, drawn out adventure trying to prove to them that he's who he says he is! No wait! I forgot this comic book will be cancelled long before most of that crap happens.

The plan is for Telos to steal Brainiac's backup data disk which is hidden deep inside of Colu. That means he has to beat the shit out of Computo and Validus, meet up with the rebels led by Techne, avoid the trap Brainiac is sending him into, hack the system, do some other things that I probably missed while skimming the boring dialogue, and then he'll know where his family is! Easy peasy!

Telos #1 Rating: I'll begin this at Ranking #43. This comic book commits the ultimate sin. No, not nuclear war. It's simply uninteresting. If I wanted to experience an alternate version of The Odyssey, I'd rewatch Oh Brother Where Art Thou? because at least that had interesting music and visuals. This is just Telos beating up Brainiac and then accepting Brainiac's word when Brainiac has never been trustworthy in any moment during the entire history of every universe in the infinite DC multiverse. Telos is a chowderhead and I don't recommend this comic book to anybody. Please let it die by Issue #6.