Bombshells #5

"We can do it" is my second favorite phrase uttered by a woman. My first is "I also brought pizza for during!"

Marguerite Sauvage's name is not on the cover of this comic book again which is devastating to my future boner. That wasn't meant to make Marguerite Sauvage uncomfortable! That was to make Bombshell Batwoman and probably anybody reading this uncomfortable! Might I politely ask that if you're a really visual reader whose mind cannot help producing images of everything you read, please be generous with your mind picture of my erection. My fake self-esteem will appreciate it.

The first story in this issue is a Batwoman story and now I'm completely depressed. I simply assumed that Marguerite Sauvage would be doing the art for every chapter in the Batwoman story. Now I have to look at art that might be just fine and perhaps amazing for most people but does nothing for the limpness in my pants. It's too bad, really. When I pick up a comic book called "Bombshells" with a beautiful woman on the cover, I expect a comic book full of the Boob-Butt Showcase and tiny bikinis and undulating things which undulate! And while this may be that along with a message that I'm totally ignoring because it's against my own best interests to make misogynist jokes (no matter how funny I could probably make them!), I'm more than slightly disappointed that it isn't also drawn by Marguerite Sauvage.

I don't know how you pronounce her last name but she surely was called "Miss Sausage" in elementary school on a weekly basis, right? I should know since I had a last name that, while not horrible, was constantly used in sorry and often unoriginal attempts at humor. But my last name is a secret (it is not "Tess Asecret") because this is the internet age and if you really want to figure out who I am, it really wouldn't be that fucking hard. Besides, all you really have to do is send me a message saying, "Hey Tess! I want to send you a gift! What is your address?!" Then I'll be all, "Oh yeah! Awesome! Here's where you can find me if you want to murder me in my sleep! Ha ha!"

Batwoman is currently in Berlin to probably kill Hitler? So am I supposed to assume that the story where she and Italian Catwoman fucked for seventy-two hours straight never happened anywhere except in my Fan Fucktion Diary?

Oh boy! The sex is still going to take place! Naturally I assumed it would take place in Italy because Selina's last name is gibberish pronounced with just the right hint of garlic.

Some people might accidentally think that the above caption was rude and prejudiced. But here's a quick lesson in self-deprecating irreverence. The caption is actually poking fun at me being an American who can only speak English and understands all members of other nations through only one or two stereotypes. So I, as an American, really can't pronounce Selina's last name the way it should be pronounced and I, as an American, really think all Italians have an irrational fear of being attacked by vampires.

Selina's last name is DiGatti which--being a self-certified expert in all languages--I can translate as "Woman who loves petting cats if you know what I mean." Alexander Luthor (some might call him "Alex" or "Xander") owns a self-driving car which the two take to the sex party to meet Selina's nether regions.

Selina wastes no time getting to the sex talk and how she likes her "cats" coiffed. She's a modern woman!

Selina leads Batwoman into the backroom where things get super sexy if you're into resurrection rituals. The demon-infused Joker's Daughter demonstrates that she has the power to animate dead soldiers. It's part of some plan to do something which will lead to other things. It doesn't really make much sense to me but then my mind might already be off playing video games. I guess it's some kind of attempt to help the Nazis win the war quickly so that the rich and powerful can keep their money or something? Maybe it's just supposed to be cool because undead soldiers! Neat!

Meanwhile in the second story, Hal Jordan's fighter plane gets shot out of the sky. Luckily he's not in it because Harley Quinn stole it so she could fly around and sing Christmas carols. I would also try to explain this scene but I can't. Not because my mind is drifting off and thinking about killing noobs (are people who play Call of Duty who are garbage still thought of as noobs? (Are their skills still described as garbage?! (Obviously I need to learn to taunt other players better))) but because Harley Quinn is insane. When the plane blows up, she rides a bomb down to her death. When it doesn't explode and, I guess, lands softly in a greenhouse, every reader puts a hand down their pants because they know what a greenhouse means: it's another potential lesbian sex fiesta!

I'm about ninety percent certain that Poison Ivy is saying, "Would you like to experience the taste of my inner thigh?"

Poison Ivy should think about a different outfit that shows more nipple. Wasn't that ever all the rage in France? It sounds like the kind of clothing that would force me to hear somebody say haute couture.

Poison Ivy tells Harley Quinn all about how she loves to kill Germans and bury them under the greenhouse. It's the kind of speech you usually only tell people you've known since childhood or you're about to kill. Sometimes both. It's possible you'd also reveal secrets like that to the lesbian you're about to lesbian fuck in a double page spread, cross my fingers!

Since Germany has just defeated France, some Nazis come to the door. Harley kills most of them while Poison Ivy gets the getaway truck ready so they can head deep into enemy territory looking for Harley's boyfriend. What they leave behind are a bunch of Nazis raised by Poison Ivy's perfumes and tinctures.

Nazi zombies! Now I really am distracted by thoughts of playing Call of Duty!

The final story is about Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov which is great because it's the story I care least about! All of the other Bombshells are working their way to Berlin where they'll meet up and defeat the Nazis by working together and then proclaiming the war over and celebrating with drinks and German jokes which will become constant reminders to the German people that they allowed this to fucking happen and they should pay for it forever until the end of time, generation upon generation! If you're German in 2015 and you don't feel the appropriate level of embarrassment for your part in what Hitler did, then you're probably a lot like white Americans who don't know anything about history but can tell you the exact number of years since slavery was outlawed. But Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov? They're going to wind up in Berlin helping the allies and then after it's all said and done, they'll be all, "What is our reward, comrades? How about everything east of where I am standing? Good for you? Because we could probably continue warring if you want to say something other than no?"

Okay, maybe Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov won't say that! But unless they defeat General Arkayn, he'll say all of that! Unless this comic book follows history how it actually happened without superheroes and then Russia will wind up owning lots of countries no matter what anybody does. Because let's face it. Everybody was tired of war at that point and Russia was all, "We could go few more rounds."

Starikov and Stargirlikov have refused to follow the orders of Arkayn and now they must rush back home to keep Arkayn from murdering their parents. They return to find soldiers ready to kill their parents if they do not surrender to be used as medical experiments. They have no choice! They cannot stop all of the soldiers from shooting their parents. I guess General Anton Arkayn has won because who could possibly stop this madman?!

Oh yeah! Although shouldn't Swamp Thing have boobs and maybe a pair of knee high heeled boots to make his ass pop?

Kara and Kortni carry their parents away but are attacked by the Night Witches. During the scuffle, their father is captured and tells the girls to take their mother and run. I mean fly! It was important that he said "fly" because they loved to fly and because they are not The Flash who never misses a chance to say something about running.

DC Comics Bombshells #5 Rating: No change. Another month (hell, it's actually only been two weeks, I think?!) where the stories weren't quite up to the quality I was expecting after the first few issues. That doesn't mean it wasn't good! It just means I didn't increase its ranking on the chart! The dialogue in the Stargirl and Supergirl story was top notch and I enjoyed the interaction between Harley and Ivy although it could have been a bit more adult and included a few more happy endings. But the parts I was disappointed in have my expectations to blame! When I pick up a Bombshells comic book, I'm expecting lots and lots of cheesecake pinup shots! Um, surrounded by empowering and feminist dialogue, of course! That part is even more important. Although wouldn't things be more empowering if there were more tongues exploring more orifices? Maybe DC Comics should think about publishing a companion comic book to this one that's printed without dialogue and in which the clothing has been removed from the female characters. It can be called DC Comics Male Gaze (Not To Be Confused With Pretty Much All Of Our Other Comics With Female Leads Especially When Drawn by Tony S. Daniel or David Finch)!

Bombshells #4

There is subtle and then there is Harley Quinn straddling a chubby bomb.

A brief period of time existed where I could look at this cover and ask, "How many kids today know about Doctor Strangelove?" But that time is past because the internet has made all information available to all people. And since kids are no longer allowed to go outside because it is dangerous and full of people who eat Subway sandwiches, they have plenty of time to sift through all of the knowledge of mankind. Some old fuddy-duddies (who aren't me at all because I am totally hip and with the grooves) probably think kids today are dumber than previous generations because they have so many forms of mindless entertainment at their fingertips (I'm not talking about video games; I'm talking about their stupid friends they're constantly texting). But kids today probably know a little more about everything than kids of any previous generation. You can't help but accidentally learn things when you're Googling for porn on the internet. Because eventually your lusts are going to be sated and then you're going to just randomly putter around the internet, going from one topic to another as link leads to link and YouTube video leads to horribly misogynistic comment boards. Although sometimes it just seems young people are all learning the same stupid garbage from each other so that they all spout the same trite bullshit that they think constitutes deadly philosophical mic drops. But really it's just regurgitating crap they heard in an echo chamber. The internet may allow for people to pick up lots and lots of trivia but it doesn't often allow for cultivating a unique perspective on the world.

[[MORE]] I should know! I wrote about half of the content on the internet! And ain't nobody learnin' nothin' profound from my idiotic rants!

The point I was trying to get at is that most people buying this cover probably realize it's an homage to Doctor Strangelove and not just Harley Quinn coming her eyes out on top of a huge dildo.

This issue begins with Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov. They didn't get a story last issue which was fine with me because they don't interest my libido as much as Batwoman and Mera do. I mean, I'm not really a fan of their personalities in this comic book. They're just way too...blonde!

That blonde comment was not a comment about their intelligence. It was a comment about how I'm not sexually attracted to blonde women and also how I understand that "hair color" is the most important aspect of a woman's character.

Since Starikov and Stargirlikov work for the Russian military, nobody is surprised that they are being lied to and used for propaganda purposes.

Shocking!

My favorite thing about propaganda is how most people find it so easy to identify when somebody else is falling for it but they never realize or admit to being manipulated by it themselves. You don't have to be stupid to fall for propaganda. You just need to like having your genitals stroked. If you believe in anything strongly, you will eventually succumb to some form of propaganda that feeds on your bias. The only solution is to stop believing in everything. It's the only way to be sure you're not being manipulated!

Disgusting! I'm glad I live in America where this kind of thing never happens.

The second story takes place in Arkham in London. Inside, Doctor Harleen Quinzel goes mad when one of her patients does a spot-on Joker impression. It's also Christmas which means Harley gets to dress up like an elf and terrorize everybody with Christmas tidings and her bosoms.

I think this was hardcore pornography in the 1940s. It's also possible that hardcore pornography was hardcore pornography in the 1940s and I'm simply suffering from the idea that past generations were more innocent and childlike than modern ones.

Harley tries to bang all the women in the bar but the servicemen get pissed because their dicks haven't seen vaginas since they were...well, they probably have never seen vaginas! But now they're surrounded by vaginas engorged with patriotism and they were sure they were finally going to have a good tally wack! A brawl starts but Harley manages to escape in the arms of a brash American pilot named Hal Jordan.

Hal takes Harley to the airfield where he learns that pants means underwear and fanny is a lady's private parts. He's also knocked unconscious and his plane is stolen. Harley flies around London dropping gifts and singing Christmas carols until she eventually--I'm assuming--crashes.

The final story is about Wonder Woman and Mera and Steve Trevor's penis. Hopefully it's mostly about Mera but I won't mind if they linger on Steve Trevor's penis for an uncomfortable amount of time. I am disappointed that Bunny Constantine isn't going to be making an appearance this issue.

No. He told them you wouldn't stop pawing at his crotch.

Wonder Woman learns that people are assholes. But she's willing to put up with them if it means she gets to enjoy more of this "penis" she'd never knew she needed! While Wonder Woman thinks about a new line of candles that will sell like crazy on Paradise Island, the soldiers bring in some Nazi prisoners. One of the men tries to murder the prisoners but Wonder Woman comes to his defense. She points out that the man has surrendered and that this is not the battlefield. She stands up for justice and order and maybe compassion although if she has compassion for a Nazi she's the grossest person ever.

You tell her, Doctor Tumblr!

I bet Wonder Woman is only defending this Nazi because she believes in the right to kill Jews! There's absolutely no way she could be defending this Nazi for any other reason at all! It's like all those cis-het white males who only want to defend the freedom of speech so that they can use whatever slurs they want whenever they want to and for no other reason at all!

Remember that earlier part about propaganda? If you look up the definition of "propaganda," you'll find a picture of Tumblr next to the actual definition of propaganda! It must be nice to spout righteous fury to make the world a better place while actually making it worse with your shrill, unsubtle arguments that are simply suited to turn other people into monsters and not actually think about anything critically. It must be nice to boil every argument down to "if you don't agree with me, you're gross." Sometimes you can be wrong even when your intentions are demonstrably good. Although the extreme liberal voices and arguments are far better than the "traditional" conservative voices. You need people trying to swing the pendulum of social movement as far to the left as possible because the pull back is going to keep it from moving the whole way. So if you only have rational arguments saying "The pendulum would be fairest if it were moved right here!", the pendulum would only move a fraction of the way to that spot. But if you have people saying things like "The pendulum needs to move way up here so that cis-het white male tears flood the nation!", you'll generally get the social justice pendulum moved much closer to the spot where the majority of compassionate people think it ought to be.

If you're thinking that the "social justice pendulum" can't move too far to the left in favor of social justice, you might not be thinking clearly. Because too far to the left lies madness! That's where people make arguments that free speech is a tool of the patriarchy and the world would be better if we had laws censoring what people can say. That's a terrible place to be no matter how free everybody would be from hearing or reading words like "nigger" or "tranny" or "retard." And nobody arguing for freedom of speech is doing so just so they can use offensive words willy-nilly! Well, most people aren't. I have a feeling that if somebody is a liberal and is arguing for freedom of speech in all cases, they're not doing it because they want to be an offensive asshole. Now if a conservative is arguing for freedom of speech, by all means call that person an offensive asshole! Because they're probably trying to get people to stop saying "Happy Holidays" because it's not "Christmas" while also arguing their right to replace saying "nigger" with saying "thug" while winking.

The issue ends with me probably putting my foot in my mouth because everything I type will be misunderstood because I can't explain how every person reading it and thinking I'm a stupid jerk is just reading it incorrectly! I mean, the issue ends with Wonder Woman being threatened with execution if she doesn't follow orders! That probably won't end well for the American military.

DC Comics Bombshells #4 Rating: No change. Marguerite Sauvage didn't do any art for this issue so I'm disappointed because two-thirds of the reason I love this comic book has to do with Batwoman drawn by Sauvage. Oh, and Batwoman wasn't in this issue! The stories this month were average and not very titillating. Although the part where Harley Quinn knocks out stupid Hal Jordan got me a little sexually excited. Mostly because I love seeing Hal take a beating. If I could make a suggestion, Marguerite Bennett, without sounding like a guy telling a woman how to do things correctly: less Supergirl and Stargirl and more Kathy Kane and Amanda Waller! Also more Mera! Maybe also more bikinis and lacy underwear! And more Bunny Constantine! Much, much more of that!

Bombshells #3

Constantine as a rabbit is my favorite DC Bombshell.

As a male comic book blogger, I try to hide my misogynistic tendencies so that people other than just male comic book nerds will like me. But fuck that shit! This is DC Comics Bombshells! Trigger Warning: Imma gonna be talkin' 'bout some titties!

But first let's talk about John Constantine as a cigarette smoking, tie wearing rabbit. Isn't he adorable?! Zatanna looks like an overly filled colostomy bag next to him! I just want to hug him and squeeze him and tell him how much he probably tastes like chicken! He's so freakin' cute! You know what? I take back my trigger warning. Let's talk about bunnies instead!

Mascara Bunnies are some of my new favorite bunnies since I first realized they existed just a few months ago when I encountered them all alone in the dark, closed pet store that I stalk once a month. I mean clean.

My other favorite bunnies are the ones with New Wave Flops and the ones with sideburns. Apparently I would like all of them even better if they wore ties!

Before Bunny Constantine makes an appearance, I guess I have to read the Batwoman story. Not that I'm disappointed about reading the Batwoman story because she's super hot and sexy with cleavage and a short skirt and she once made fun of Ernest Hemingway which people who often want to seem intelligent never want to do but totally should because Hemingway was awful in a lot of ways (mostly in the story telling way!). Imagine if Batwoman were turned into a bunny! I just had a cutegasm! And it wasn't a cute cutegasm either. It was dark and sensual and explosive (because Bombshell Batwoman drawn by Marguerite Sauvage was involved). Currently Batwoman is beating the crap out of somebody with her bat.

I wonder if Kate Kane's father ever told a wealthy landowner that his wife was actually his sister? And then stole all of his wells?

Harper Row drops in to help Batwoman defeat the Jew-hater. I don't actually know if he hates Jewish people so I shouldn't have said that. I should maybe have been more accurate and called him the man who profits from the death of Jewish people. I don't think you have to specifically hate somebody to give them up to a mass murdering government for some quick cash.

By the way, Harper Row is adorable because she's basically the Bill Dozier Batman television series. I wish Batwoman met Harper Row the same way Batman met Harper Row because then I would have seen Batwoman's nipples as Harper hooks them up to car batteries to jump start her heart! I think that was how Harper met Batman. Although if she used electricity on his heart, she must have been knocking it back into rhythm and not bringing him back to life because Flatliners is one of the biggest lies you've ever swallowed.

I realized this weekend the first lie all parents tell their children. It's when they give them a pacifier so the baby thinks it's sucking on a titty. Then the poor little baby sucks and sucks and sucks but doesn't get what it really wants. Parents are jerks. Also, I warned you I was going to talk about titties!

Batwoman leaves her bat behind and tells Harper to keep it. She's practically forcing Harper to become a vigilante!

See?!

Maggie Sawyer and Kate Kane go out to Cobblepot Boardwalk for Kate's last night in town before she flies off with Waller's Task Force XX. They waste a lot of panels that could have been used for titillating possible last sex ever on cotton candy eating and Ferris wheel riding and Milk Bottle breaking. None of those are sexy euphemisms.

One lousy panel?! And it looks like it was lifted from a pornographic Sailor Moon manga which I totally don't own any of at all and if Doom Bunny says otherwise, he's a big fat liar!

Kate goes off to war the next morning and Maggie sits around crying just waiting for her Dear Jane letter.

Kate meets Amanda at the train station where they get on a magic train full of women doing things men do! And probably better, I must say if I want women reading this to say, "Oh! Tess is just trying to make up for his usual sexist crap!" Kate meets her teammates Doctor Light and Big Barda. Waller gives her her mission which is to enter Berlin as a spy and hit Hitler over the head with a baseball bat shouting, "Baseball is better than cricket!" She has to shout that because the Brits also have an operative going after Hitler! Her name is also Batwoman but she uses a cricket bat, of course. The Americans figure if the Brits beat them to it, the attempted assassination will just wind up being unintentional comedy. A cricket bat will never knock out Hitler's brains! For that, a Louisville Slugger is needed!

Kate also finds out about her contact.

Oh yeah. Now that's the Bat/Cat relationship I want to see!

That's the end of the first story which is a pretty good ending because it leaves the reader full of sexy thoughts about the Cat and the Bat giggling together as they write Maggie's Dear Jane letter after fucking.

The second story begins in The Cabaret of The Joker's Daughter. Some of the German soldiers who came to see Zatanna's burlesque show have been chosen to be sacrificed in a magic ritual. The Joker's Daughter sings the English version of the song which the German sang at the beginning of the first episode of this story. But she sings it all wrong because her lyrics are nothing like my translation. She's such a moron.

Zatanna is forced to help with the ritual since she's the one that knows magic. The Joker's Daughter doesn't know magic at all. Hell, she doesn't even know any good jokes. Double hell, she is a joke! At least Ann Nocenti's version of her is. I guess this is a new version so I don't have to hate her with a passionate psychotic rage.

Some creature named Tenebrus the Binder is created from the bodies of the Germans. Tenebrus takes the form of Spider Jerusalem. The Joker's Daughter is given the job of being its handler. Zatanna decides things have gotten out of control and runs back to her dressing room so that the most adorable character in DC Comics' entire history can be spotlighted in one panel.

Oh my god! He's so scruffy! Awww!

The final story this issue isn't about Starrikov and Stargirlikov. It's the sex romp starring Wonder Woman, Mera, and Steve Trevor's penis.

"Penis."

Mera is a total gossip who can't stop pointing out how much Wonder Woman wants to sit on Steve Trevor's mysterious man parts. But Wonder Woman is all, "He is sick! I let all sick people bring me to orgasm with their mouths! It is...um...just something that helps!" But then Mera's Sea Chariot is struck by a shell from a tank and everybody flies into the water! Mera manages to keep Steve Trevor from drowning by shoving his penis in her vagina.

I know! Totally gasp!

Wonder Woman heads inland to check out modern war with her own eyes and it pisses her off. She decides to subdue her enemies rather than kill them because she'll only kill when there is no other way. Mera also does some stuff and she threatens to make me forget all about Batwoman and begin researching local laws against having sex with comic book characters.

Bunny Constantine who?

The Germans surrender and then General Lane comes rolling along in his tank. He recognizes Steve Trevor and realizes that these women are the kinds of women Amanda Waller's lady parts have been engorged over for her Bombshells project. He doesn't seem to have a comment on Mera's dolphins floating in bubbles behind her. If I were Mera, I would have created cute little legs made out of water for them to walk about on land.

DC Comics Bombshells #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm glad somebody at DC had the sense to turn their Bombshells covers into this particular comic book. Although if it had been left up to the regular decision makers at DC, this comic book would be all tits and ass and little personality. I know in real life most people look for tits and ass over personality (unless you're a woman and then you drop the tits and probably pretend you're into senses of humor and ass) but that would have ruined this comic book. Marguerite Bennett can be completely forgiven for any part she had in the creation of Twat Lobo now that she's brought this into the world. I'm sure she was helped by Marguerite Sauvage and her editiors, Jessica Chen and Jim Chadwick. Whatever and whoever came up with this thing, I just want to thank them because this is a fun comic book that looks amazing and has Constantine as a smoking bunny. Plus it kind of gets me horny and that's always a plus. I meant the lady empowerment turns me on! Not the other stuff that probably titillates the uncouth!

Bombshells #2

That dolphin slave has murder in her eyes.

Time once again for me to turn a comic book about empowered women into a Male Gaze Wankathon! I'm already inappropriately turned on by the way the bar on the chariot is coyly covering up Mera and Diana's lady packages. This comic book is such a tease!

The issue begins with Wonder Woman taking care of Steve Trevor in Amazon Prison. That sounds like a cable reality television show that I would watch for about five minutes each week before falling asleep. Wonder Woman seems to innately understand that Steve Trevor has something super exciting and mysterious in his pants and she's going to solve that mystery. She might even solve it two or three times. Her fellow Amazons, the ones not made out of clay who already know about penises, are worried that once Diana discovers the clumsy, inefficient love making styles of a man, she'll never again engage them in games of Tongue Twister or Clitoris Tag. That seems pretty far-fetched though, right? What would a man have to offer Wonder Woman that her sisters and Hephaestus's Gal Pals Mail Order Catalog can't already provide? The proof that ones sexuality isn't a choice is that women continue to want to have sex with men even after being disappointed by most of them.

I just broke all over my underwear.

Wonder Woman! Stop being so inappropriately sexy while tending to Steve Trevor's wounds! It's not professional to rub your boobs on his shoulder as you spout sexual innuendo after sexual innuendo! It's also possible (probable even!) that I'm sexualizing a scene that isn't supposed to be sexy at all. Although, for once, I don't think that's the case! That panel above is some sexy shit!

As a society, we've just settled on "impotence," right?

Steve Trevor tells Diana all about how dangerous the Nazis are so that maybe the Amazons will join the effort to stop the most dangerous man to ever exist! Aside from Jesus Christ, of course. Jesus Christ was like Obi Wan Kenobi. He was struck down and rose up more powerful than the Romans could ever imagine. It's a good thing Jesus Christ was apparently on the side of white people! I mean, he was apparently on the side of all people if you ask the missionaries who convince all of the non-white people to worship Jesus Christ no matter the cost to their history and culture. Um, anyway, Steve Trevor tells her all about the horrible things the Nazis are up to although he leaves out the Nazi War Wheel for some reason. I would have totally led with the War Wheel!

What is it about DC's stance against showing the swastika?! I mean the S-symbol!

How is DC Comics going to tell World War II stories against the Nazis while never once showing a full S-symbol?! What is this pussyfooting stance against acknowledging the existence of the Nazi's brand?! I guess erasing history is better than repeating it or something. I forget.

Hippolyta is too smart to fall for the "I don't want to do it to your daughter; I'm just here to ask for help against a power hungry madman" routine. She orders her women to execute Steve Trevor at dawn. That'll teach him to point his penis at her daughter's vagina. Diana isn't in an eighties movie, so she doesn't run from the rooming screaming, "You don't understand! You never understand!" Instead, she takes a walk on the beach so that she can encounter Mera.

Mera and Diana flirt a bit and decide to run away together. But first Diana convinces Mera to break Steve Trevor out of Amazon Jail because she finds his penis intriguing. Mera has never seen a land-man's penis, so she's eager to help. Diana also breaks into the throne room to steal her bracers, lasso, and tiara. But she doesn't have to steal them. They are given to her freely so that she may go out into the world and do whatever it is she's supposed to do. Kiss Mera on the mouth, I think. And that's the end of Wonder Woman's story for now.

The second story is about Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov. They were going to become Night Witches and fly warplanes for the Russians. But Lady Night Witch didn't like that Kara displayed super powers and has decided she needs to learn what a gulag is. I think it's like an oubliette except less comfortable. Kara has no intention of learning anything new and refuses. But Lady Night Witch is really good at debating.

I would rebut this argument with frost breath.

Kara is hauled off to the gulag because she forgot about her thirty second rebuttal time. She's brought before General Anton Arkayn who I don't trust for some inexplicable reason. It must be my intuition that makes me realize he's a horrible person. He asks for a demonstration of her powers and she paints a mural of her and her sister in super person get-ups. Anton clasps his hands together and kicks up a foot backwards, cooing like a pigeon. "Da! Da!" he shouts because he probably has daddy issues like everybody else in DC Comics. And so Supergirl and Stargirl become Soviet superheroes.

The next story is full of S-symbols which makes me happy! I mean, because the portrayal of Nazi Germany is more fully realized with the S-symbols everywhere, even if a bunch of them are backwards. I think that happens because of the way flags are made or something. This story begins with a bunch of Germans singing and while I'm not very good at German, the Non-Certified Spouse is fluent in German, so that probably makes me qualified to translate it into English.

"Love, love! Can you not hear the people shitting?" "In a room lying under the sea with our king and his tears!" "Love, love! Our berets! We go in dungeons, blue eyes make our light!"

The Nazis are heading to the Kabarett where The Joker's Daughter greets them and takes their tickets for the main act. That act is a burlesque magic show by Zatanna. I hope it's more burlesque than magic.

Too much magic. Not enough vagina.

I guess I'm supposed to be rooting for the Nazis in this story since the Bombshells are Nazis and the Bombshells are the stars of this comic book. Stupid John Constantine is trying to ruin the Nazi's plans! Zatanna turns him into an adorable bunny and then refuses to give the bunny to the Nazis. That probably means she's working against the Nazis and I can feel less guilty about supporting her cause. I don't have to support The Joker's Daughter because her teeth are disgusting and rotting which means she's not a Bombshell at all. Also she threatens to expose Zatanna as Jewish which is totally wrong somehow. And that's the end of the last story!

DC Comics Bombshells #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Another delightful romp into the past with sexy women all over the pages. More comic books should be like this one with empowered women saving the world while wearing super sexy outfits! It's like getting to keep your cake and fuck it too. Although the Russian uniforms in the Supergirl story could do with a bit of trimming around the midsection and the cleavage areas. How come more guys aren't supporting feminist comic books like this?! Are they not into getting boners? No wait! I think I'm getting the wrong message from this comic book. Um, it's all about women doing, um, things that prove feminism and stuff. It's totally liberating! It shows that women can be, um, in control of their own, um, things and, um...oh! Hey! Look! It's Constantine as a bunny rabbit!

Whew! That was close.