Bombshells #11

Big Barda's weapon is a flute?

The Review!
As a "critic," I usually concentrate on the writing and the story and the characters. I talk about the art rarely. I talk about the lettering even less. I suppose those are important parts of critiquing comic books though whenever anybody praises the letterer, it just comes off as being polite. It's like acknowledging that the right fielder on a baseball team did his part to win the championship even though everybody knows he mostly just ate sunflower seeds for three hours. But this time things are different. I have fallen in love with Mirka Andolfo's art. The Bombshells are genuinely adorable in this issue. Maybe I've noticed it and mentioned it before but I don't remember because I've been slacking in my reviews over the last few months. So great job, Mirka. And great jobs Bennett and Braga as well, as usual. This is a fun comic that looks terrific. But everybody probably knows that already, right? This comic probably outsells Batman, right? Okay, maybe that's a stretch. But I bet it would if DC would just stick a centerfold in it already!

The Commentary!
Instead of being a completely cynical jerk and ranting over everybody's responses to the death of Prince, how about I just add one of my own inconsequential to anybody but me brief summaries of how Prince affected my life. Here are a number of memories I have of Prince: crying to "When Doves Cry" because of that whole parental relationship stuff, roller skating to "Little Red Corvette" until I finally understood that he wasn't singing about a car at all, masturbating to the Lake Minnetonka scene in Purple Rain, and singing along to "1999" for seventeen years thinking how fucking awesome it was going to be when I could finally sing it in 1999! I wasn't the kind of fan who bought Prince albums. I think the best testament to his talent is that I was into metal in the eighties and still never hated any of Prince's singles. They were just too fucking catchy.

And with that out of the way, I'm ready to look at hot women in skimpy costumes!

Granny Goodness invented timeouts. And probably roller skates.

I don't think this comic book needs any commentary and I'm not in the mood. I just want to look at all the sexy pictures.

I don't know what the 'FWOOM' and 'SSSSSSS' sound effects are for but I think they're sexy.

After this kiss, Mera tells a sexy story about how she was Diana's first kiss. But Diana interrupts the story before Mera can reveal what other of Diana's fists she was. I mean firsts.

I know something that's not a first: my current boner!

Batgirl is also in London now. I guess she got done fucking Catwoman. Like I mentioned previously (although the mention may have been in a previous commentary), I haven't been keeping decent notes on the stories for the past few months so I sort of forget where exactly every Bombshell was last seen. It's easier now knowing that they're all mostly in Europe. I guess Zatanna and Harley are still in Germany and that's about it.

Okay, now I can't decide if Braga's or Mirka's Bombshells are the most adorable.

At the end the Bombshells unite into the best looking Justice League ever.

Bombshells #4

There is subtle and then there is Harley Quinn straddling a chubby bomb.

A brief period of time existed where I could look at this cover and ask, "How many kids today know about Doctor Strangelove?" But that time is past because the internet has made all information available to all people. And since kids are no longer allowed to go outside because it is dangerous and full of people who eat Subway sandwiches, they have plenty of time to sift through all of the knowledge of mankind. Some old fuddy-duddies (who aren't me at all because I am totally hip and with the grooves) probably think kids today are dumber than previous generations because they have so many forms of mindless entertainment at their fingertips (I'm not talking about video games; I'm talking about their stupid friends they're constantly texting). But kids today probably know a little more about everything than kids of any previous generation. You can't help but accidentally learn things when you're Googling for porn on the internet. Because eventually your lusts are going to be sated and then you're going to just randomly putter around the internet, going from one topic to another as link leads to link and YouTube video leads to horribly misogynistic comment boards. Although sometimes it just seems young people are all learning the same stupid garbage from each other so that they all spout the same trite bullshit that they think constitutes deadly philosophical mic drops. But really it's just regurgitating crap they heard in an echo chamber. The internet may allow for people to pick up lots and lots of trivia but it doesn't often allow for cultivating a unique perspective on the world.

[[MORE]] I should know! I wrote about half of the content on the internet! And ain't nobody learnin' nothin' profound from my idiotic rants!

The point I was trying to get at is that most people buying this cover probably realize it's an homage to Doctor Strangelove and not just Harley Quinn coming her eyes out on top of a huge dildo.

This issue begins with Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov. They didn't get a story last issue which was fine with me because they don't interest my libido as much as Batwoman and Mera do. I mean, I'm not really a fan of their personalities in this comic book. They're just way too...blonde!

That blonde comment was not a comment about their intelligence. It was a comment about how I'm not sexually attracted to blonde women and also how I understand that "hair color" is the most important aspect of a woman's character.

Since Starikov and Stargirlikov work for the Russian military, nobody is surprised that they are being lied to and used for propaganda purposes.

Shocking!

My favorite thing about propaganda is how most people find it so easy to identify when somebody else is falling for it but they never realize or admit to being manipulated by it themselves. You don't have to be stupid to fall for propaganda. You just need to like having your genitals stroked. If you believe in anything strongly, you will eventually succumb to some form of propaganda that feeds on your bias. The only solution is to stop believing in everything. It's the only way to be sure you're not being manipulated!

Disgusting! I'm glad I live in America where this kind of thing never happens.

The second story takes place in Arkham in London. Inside, Doctor Harleen Quinzel goes mad when one of her patients does a spot-on Joker impression. It's also Christmas which means Harley gets to dress up like an elf and terrorize everybody with Christmas tidings and her bosoms.

I think this was hardcore pornography in the 1940s. It's also possible that hardcore pornography was hardcore pornography in the 1940s and I'm simply suffering from the idea that past generations were more innocent and childlike than modern ones.

Harley tries to bang all the women in the bar but the servicemen get pissed because their dicks haven't seen vaginas since they were...well, they probably have never seen vaginas! But now they're surrounded by vaginas engorged with patriotism and they were sure they were finally going to have a good tally wack! A brawl starts but Harley manages to escape in the arms of a brash American pilot named Hal Jordan.

Hal takes Harley to the airfield where he learns that pants means underwear and fanny is a lady's private parts. He's also knocked unconscious and his plane is stolen. Harley flies around London dropping gifts and singing Christmas carols until she eventually--I'm assuming--crashes.

The final story is about Wonder Woman and Mera and Steve Trevor's penis. Hopefully it's mostly about Mera but I won't mind if they linger on Steve Trevor's penis for an uncomfortable amount of time. I am disappointed that Bunny Constantine isn't going to be making an appearance this issue.

No. He told them you wouldn't stop pawing at his crotch.

Wonder Woman learns that people are assholes. But she's willing to put up with them if it means she gets to enjoy more of this "penis" she'd never knew she needed! While Wonder Woman thinks about a new line of candles that will sell like crazy on Paradise Island, the soldiers bring in some Nazi prisoners. One of the men tries to murder the prisoners but Wonder Woman comes to his defense. She points out that the man has surrendered and that this is not the battlefield. She stands up for justice and order and maybe compassion although if she has compassion for a Nazi she's the grossest person ever.

You tell her, Doctor Tumblr!

I bet Wonder Woman is only defending this Nazi because she believes in the right to kill Jews! There's absolutely no way she could be defending this Nazi for any other reason at all! It's like all those cis-het white males who only want to defend the freedom of speech so that they can use whatever slurs they want whenever they want to and for no other reason at all!

Remember that earlier part about propaganda? If you look up the definition of "propaganda," you'll find a picture of Tumblr next to the actual definition of propaganda! It must be nice to spout righteous fury to make the world a better place while actually making it worse with your shrill, unsubtle arguments that are simply suited to turn other people into monsters and not actually think about anything critically. It must be nice to boil every argument down to "if you don't agree with me, you're gross." Sometimes you can be wrong even when your intentions are demonstrably good. Although the extreme liberal voices and arguments are far better than the "traditional" conservative voices. You need people trying to swing the pendulum of social movement as far to the left as possible because the pull back is going to keep it from moving the whole way. So if you only have rational arguments saying "The pendulum would be fairest if it were moved right here!", the pendulum would only move a fraction of the way to that spot. But if you have people saying things like "The pendulum needs to move way up here so that cis-het white male tears flood the nation!", you'll generally get the social justice pendulum moved much closer to the spot where the majority of compassionate people think it ought to be.

If you're thinking that the "social justice pendulum" can't move too far to the left in favor of social justice, you might not be thinking clearly. Because too far to the left lies madness! That's where people make arguments that free speech is a tool of the patriarchy and the world would be better if we had laws censoring what people can say. That's a terrible place to be no matter how free everybody would be from hearing or reading words like "nigger" or "tranny" or "retard." And nobody arguing for freedom of speech is doing so just so they can use offensive words willy-nilly! Well, most people aren't. I have a feeling that if somebody is a liberal and is arguing for freedom of speech in all cases, they're not doing it because they want to be an offensive asshole. Now if a conservative is arguing for freedom of speech, by all means call that person an offensive asshole! Because they're probably trying to get people to stop saying "Happy Holidays" because it's not "Christmas" while also arguing their right to replace saying "nigger" with saying "thug" while winking.

The issue ends with me probably putting my foot in my mouth because everything I type will be misunderstood because I can't explain how every person reading it and thinking I'm a stupid jerk is just reading it incorrectly! I mean, the issue ends with Wonder Woman being threatened with execution if she doesn't follow orders! That probably won't end well for the American military.

DC Comics Bombshells #4 Rating: No change. Marguerite Sauvage didn't do any art for this issue so I'm disappointed because two-thirds of the reason I love this comic book has to do with Batwoman drawn by Sauvage. Oh, and Batwoman wasn't in this issue! The stories this month were average and not very titillating. Although the part where Harley Quinn knocks out stupid Hal Jordan got me a little sexually excited. Mostly because I love seeing Hal take a beating. If I could make a suggestion, Marguerite Bennett, without sounding like a guy telling a woman how to do things correctly: less Supergirl and Stargirl and more Kathy Kane and Amanda Waller! Also more Mera! Maybe also more bikinis and lacy underwear! And more Bunny Constantine! Much, much more of that!

Bombshells #2

That dolphin slave has murder in her eyes.

Time once again for me to turn a comic book about empowered women into a Male Gaze Wankathon! I'm already inappropriately turned on by the way the bar on the chariot is coyly covering up Mera and Diana's lady packages. This comic book is such a tease!

The issue begins with Wonder Woman taking care of Steve Trevor in Amazon Prison. That sounds like a cable reality television show that I would watch for about five minutes each week before falling asleep. Wonder Woman seems to innately understand that Steve Trevor has something super exciting and mysterious in his pants and she's going to solve that mystery. She might even solve it two or three times. Her fellow Amazons, the ones not made out of clay who already know about penises, are worried that once Diana discovers the clumsy, inefficient love making styles of a man, she'll never again engage them in games of Tongue Twister or Clitoris Tag. That seems pretty far-fetched though, right? What would a man have to offer Wonder Woman that her sisters and Hephaestus's Gal Pals Mail Order Catalog can't already provide? The proof that ones sexuality isn't a choice is that women continue to want to have sex with men even after being disappointed by most of them.

I just broke all over my underwear.

Wonder Woman! Stop being so inappropriately sexy while tending to Steve Trevor's wounds! It's not professional to rub your boobs on his shoulder as you spout sexual innuendo after sexual innuendo! It's also possible (probable even!) that I'm sexualizing a scene that isn't supposed to be sexy at all. Although, for once, I don't think that's the case! That panel above is some sexy shit!

As a society, we've just settled on "impotence," right?

Steve Trevor tells Diana all about how dangerous the Nazis are so that maybe the Amazons will join the effort to stop the most dangerous man to ever exist! Aside from Jesus Christ, of course. Jesus Christ was like Obi Wan Kenobi. He was struck down and rose up more powerful than the Romans could ever imagine. It's a good thing Jesus Christ was apparently on the side of white people! I mean, he was apparently on the side of all people if you ask the missionaries who convince all of the non-white people to worship Jesus Christ no matter the cost to their history and culture. Um, anyway, Steve Trevor tells her all about the horrible things the Nazis are up to although he leaves out the Nazi War Wheel for some reason. I would have totally led with the War Wheel!

What is it about DC's stance against showing the swastika?! I mean the S-symbol!

How is DC Comics going to tell World War II stories against the Nazis while never once showing a full S-symbol?! What is this pussyfooting stance against acknowledging the existence of the Nazi's brand?! I guess erasing history is better than repeating it or something. I forget.

Hippolyta is too smart to fall for the "I don't want to do it to your daughter; I'm just here to ask for help against a power hungry madman" routine. She orders her women to execute Steve Trevor at dawn. That'll teach him to point his penis at her daughter's vagina. Diana isn't in an eighties movie, so she doesn't run from the rooming screaming, "You don't understand! You never understand!" Instead, she takes a walk on the beach so that she can encounter Mera.

Mera and Diana flirt a bit and decide to run away together. But first Diana convinces Mera to break Steve Trevor out of Amazon Jail because she finds his penis intriguing. Mera has never seen a land-man's penis, so she's eager to help. Diana also breaks into the throne room to steal her bracers, lasso, and tiara. But she doesn't have to steal them. They are given to her freely so that she may go out into the world and do whatever it is she's supposed to do. Kiss Mera on the mouth, I think. And that's the end of Wonder Woman's story for now.

The second story is about Kara Starikov and Kortni Stargirlikov. They were going to become Night Witches and fly warplanes for the Russians. But Lady Night Witch didn't like that Kara displayed super powers and has decided she needs to learn what a gulag is. I think it's like an oubliette except less comfortable. Kara has no intention of learning anything new and refuses. But Lady Night Witch is really good at debating.

I would rebut this argument with frost breath.

Kara is hauled off to the gulag because she forgot about her thirty second rebuttal time. She's brought before General Anton Arkayn who I don't trust for some inexplicable reason. It must be my intuition that makes me realize he's a horrible person. He asks for a demonstration of her powers and she paints a mural of her and her sister in super person get-ups. Anton clasps his hands together and kicks up a foot backwards, cooing like a pigeon. "Da! Da!" he shouts because he probably has daddy issues like everybody else in DC Comics. And so Supergirl and Stargirl become Soviet superheroes.

The next story is full of S-symbols which makes me happy! I mean, because the portrayal of Nazi Germany is more fully realized with the S-symbols everywhere, even if a bunch of them are backwards. I think that happens because of the way flags are made or something. This story begins with a bunch of Germans singing and while I'm not very good at German, the Non-Certified Spouse is fluent in German, so that probably makes me qualified to translate it into English.

"Love, love! Can you not hear the people shitting?" "In a room lying under the sea with our king and his tears!" "Love, love! Our berets! We go in dungeons, blue eyes make our light!"

The Nazis are heading to the Kabarett where The Joker's Daughter greets them and takes their tickets for the main act. That act is a burlesque magic show by Zatanna. I hope it's more burlesque than magic.

Too much magic. Not enough vagina.

I guess I'm supposed to be rooting for the Nazis in this story since the Bombshells are Nazis and the Bombshells are the stars of this comic book. Stupid John Constantine is trying to ruin the Nazi's plans! Zatanna turns him into an adorable bunny and then refuses to give the bunny to the Nazis. That probably means she's working against the Nazis and I can feel less guilty about supporting her cause. I don't have to support The Joker's Daughter because her teeth are disgusting and rotting which means she's not a Bombshell at all. Also she threatens to expose Zatanna as Jewish which is totally wrong somehow. And that's the end of the last story!

DC Comics Bombshells #2 Rating: +1 Ranking. Another delightful romp into the past with sexy women all over the pages. More comic books should be like this one with empowered women saving the world while wearing super sexy outfits! It's like getting to keep your cake and fuck it too. Although the Russian uniforms in the Supergirl story could do with a bit of trimming around the midsection and the cleavage areas. How come more guys aren't supporting feminist comic books like this?! Are they not into getting boners? No wait! I think I'm getting the wrong message from this comic book. Um, it's all about women doing, um, things that prove feminism and stuff. It's totally liberating! It shows that women can be, um, in control of their own, um, things and, um...oh! Hey! Look! It's Constantine as a bunny rabbit!

Whew! That was close.