The Darkseid War: Lex Luthor #1

Oh is the Darkseid War still happening?

How many people believe that Darkseid is truly dead forever and will never return to the DC Youniverse? Just me?

Hear me out before your rolling eyes pop out of your head from scoffing so loud! DC now has an ultimate evil in the form of the Anti-Monitor, so why do they need Darkseid too?

That was it. That was my argument! Was it convincing?! Maybe I should remind you that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader so that you'll nod your head in agreement and mutter, "That's a really good point."

Maybe instead of killing Darkseid for good, they can simply take away all of his powers forcing him to be stuck on Earth where he has to get a job at McDonalds?

This McDonalds ad ran in 1976 during the brief "Apokolips Meal" campaign which eventually morphed into the whole Happy Meal thing.

This issue begins with Lex Luthor boringly saying, "Darseid is dead. Long live Lex Luthor." It's like he's not a genius at all! He's just a bore like every other person in the world and/or on Apokolips! Have you noticed that I like using the "and/or" clause construction? Even when it's not necessary and/or doesn't make any sense to use!

As Lex Luthor turns into Lexseid, he remembers a time he fell in a well when the light was really weird and dampened all of the colors so that I thought maybe there was something wrong with the printing process that developed this comic book. It even frightened me for a brief second as I thought cataracts had suddenly descended upon me! But that only lasted for a split second before I looked around my office and noticed the bright vibrant colors of my Sailor Moon lunchbox were still bright and vibrant.

It's a good thing the colors are as muted as they are or else I wouldn't have realized it was a memory of Lex's since the young person that is presumably Lex has a lot of hair and was dumb enough to fall in a well.

This scene is a metaphor for DC Comics going back to their Daddy Issues well.

Lex Luthor's clothes were burnt off during the Omeganing so now he has to climb a mountain in Apokolips with his dick flopping out. Unless his dick is the kind of dick that just kind of pokes out of the pubic hair like a barnacle waiting for some boobies to turn it into a majestic Rod of Showmanship +3. He is a Caucasian and Caucasians tend to be growers because if they were showers (SHOW-ers and not showers like the water falling) then their ancestors' dicks would have gotten frostbite and been useless. So showers never procreated in the cold climates of the north because their dicks fell off leaving only generations of growers. Meanwhile Africans were swinging their dicks around naked because they didn't have to worry about dickfreeze. And obviously a naked shower is much more enticing than a naked grower so they created generations of showers. It's totally obvious and almost certainly true biological history of the evolution of wieners. I stand by my research (conducted mostly in the locker room at the local Planet Fitness).

Lexseid decides he doesn't need his Apokoliptian Yoda and tries to kill her. But instead of killing her, he explodes, leaving him hanging off of a cliff which is the perfect time to have another memory!

The time Perry White snowballed him is a weird memory to have while nearly dying.

While hanging from the cliff, we get a pretty good shot of Lex's cock.

Well, Mr. Luthor, I apologize for assuming you were a grower.

Ardora, Lex's Yoda, offers to help pull him up from the ledge just like Lex's father didn't do when he was in the well. This is the moment when a character's heart would usually grow three sizes. But those characters aren't usually full of low self-esteem and not Omega Energy. Lex is also full of memories so he decides to remember when he first met Superman and Superman also attempted to help save his life (even though Superman was going to give him up to the authorities afterward). That time, Lex decided not to take Superman's help because he remembered how his father told him asking for help was for pussy baby whiny dum-dums. And Superman wasn't going to make a pussy baby whiny dum-dum out of Lex Luthor! Luthor would rather die than rely on charity! Or at least he'd rather die than have anybody find out that he once relied on charity because that would destroy his entire philosophy about how charity makes people weak and they might realize his two greatest books were written by a selfish charlatan who was merely embracing any philosophy that justified his greed! Oh, sorry. I was thinking of Ayn Rand.

Ardora's efforts to save Lex with little thought to her own safety cause Lex's Omega Energy to grow three sizes instead of his heart. Or maybe both grew. Along with something else, if you get my sneaky innuendo!

Lexseid and the Omega Energy become bosom pals which leads to Lex Luthor becoming the new ruler of Apokolips. Which means he now has an army of parademons to help achieve his goals. Which probably means he's going to use them for stupid shit like destroying The Daily Planet out of petty revenge and trying to convince everybody that Superman is an asshole. Oh wait, he doesn't have to do that latter one since Lois took care of it months ago.

The Darkseid War: Lex Luthor #1 Rating: Compared to most of the other Darkseid War tie-ins, this one was really good. Like the other one I liked (Green Lantern, I think? It's been so long since I read it!), this story was really driven by the character of Lex Luthor and less by the awesome spectacle of the event transforming the character into a god. I could have done with less Luthor ass and cock though.

The Darkseid War: Superman #1

This outfit would look better with white underwear.

The Justice League have all become gods and are now acting crazy. Well, Wonder Woman didn't get to become a god because she already was a god and also why should a female superhero get her own one shot? As if anybody is going to buy it! Look at how poorly the Jem and the Holograms movie did! Not that anybody knew it was coming out. It turns out, you do have to market your film if you expect people to go and see it! Of course if your actual goal was to have your movie fail because you wanted to prove some kind of point, the Jem movie was a complete success! Seriously though, the only time I even heard of the Jem movie was seeing sponsored ads on my Tumblr feed. I think their advertising budget was however much it costs to sponsor an ad on Tumblr for a few hours. It's also possible that the company releasing the movie really loved the way Idiocracy wasn't marketed and they hired the same firm. Their motto must be, "It's a movie! The name's on the marquee! People will see it! Chill out!"

Superman is currently murdering aliens on his way back to Earth. He's not seeking them out to kill them because he's not Twat Lobo. But they're seeking him out to kill him because then they'll be the life of every party they ever go to after that. Everybody will fawn over their new Superman skin jacket and spit curl necklace. But Superman is super angry right now and he doesn't have time for sissy things like not punching somebody until their head explodes. He's also in a hurry to get back to Earth and have some seriously angry sex with Wonder Woman.

I'm so outraged at people always being outraged!

Being outraged on the internet is like being good at Call of Duty. You feel good about meaningless accomplishments that ultimately just wind up with some other person crying at the other end of the connection. Especially when you play Call of Duty against me because I am merciless with the amount of times I'll call you garbage or the number of ways I'll point out I had sex with your mom and dad.

Superman doesn't actually kill the alien that attacked him earlier. I was just being outrageous and cynical. Instead he crashes it through the wall of the Daily Planet and then humiliates it in front of his old coworkers by calling it short and stinky. Then Supes heads off to find Wonder Woman's vagina.

But first: PIE!

Superman throws a fit about not getting his pie fast enough which I totally understand. The part I don't understand is why I'm supposed to be interested in a Superman story about some guy who isn't Superman. Why exactly has Superman become an even bigger cock than usual? Because he was charged with Apokolips power? And having suddenly been fueled by this dark power to be really strong and angry, why exactly is he stopping to eat pie? Because it's funny, I guess?

The entire city of Metropolis begins being consumed by some black tar released by the puny, stinky alien. Jimmy Olsen tries to get Superman's help but Superman is eating his pie. So naturally, Superman throws Jimmy Olsen through a window. Christ, Superman. You can't just steal another superhero's gimmick! Have some respect for The Defenestrator, may he rest in peace!

No, he came for a slice of figurative pie! Now where the hell is Wonder Woman already?!

Jimmy Olsen gives Superman a pep talk to try and reach the real Clark deep within the new god Clark. But it's all lies. Every single thing Jimmy says is a lie. He says Superman hears the people's adoration for him. What adoration? Everybody fucking hates him now! He says Superman hears the love they have for him in the beating of their hearts! Love?! More like fear! If I were Superman, I'd probably fry Jimmy's face with my heat vision for making a mockery of my recent pain!

After Metropolis is completely covered in goo and everybody is dead, Superman meets a pigeon and has a change of heart. I know you're looking back at the scan of the cover and thinking, "That's not a pigeon, Tess. You're a fucking cunt." Well I respond to that with "Such language, every reader who just read that which means you thought it just like I said you would. Also, yes, I know. But it's a pigeon in the comic book. I guess Superman contemplating a pigeon isn't the most artistic image. It's actually kind of gross." So after that Superman decides to save the city in the grossest way possible.

Okay, fine. I suppose I can think of ways grosser than spitting on everything. Which this scene could represent. What if I were to say the panels that preceded this scene were of Superman sucking his own cock?

Superman's sperm eats away all of the black goop and everybody is saved. Except for Superman. He's still all fucked up but at least he knows it now. He flies off to Justice League #46 to spend that issue reverting to normal before getting back to whatever's left of The Darkseid War now that Darkseid is dead.

The Darkseid War: Superman #1: The premise of these Darkseid War tie-in books seems to be that gods don't give a shit about people. Is that really the case? Well, sure, the gods of Earth never seem to lift a finger to help humanity, so you might think that's what god's do. They simply ignore creation and reality. But the real truth is that god's don't exist! That's why it seems they're so lazy and aren't doing anything. Because they're not actually there and they're just figments of our imagination! Have you ever heard a schizophrenic speaking about their view of reality? Have you ever sat there and just thought, "How can they think any of that stuff? It's so wild and outlandish!" Well that's me listening to all of you go on and on about god and heaven and Jesus and sin and Allah and Buddha and Odin and the Easter Bunny. But the really crazy thing is how I'm seen as pitiful and crazy for thinking the way I do simply because the majority of people are of the perfect intelligence (um, you know!) to believe in mounds and mounds of bullshit. Oh! And here's another thing that sucks! Because I'm saying what I think (which is the truth, by the way!), I'll be labeled as mean and hateful and arrogant (okay, so maybe I'm some of those things! But only god should get to judge!)! And yet religious people judge and condemn people all of the time bathed in the aura of their self-righteous faith (otherwise known as arrogance!)! I'm not stopping you from believing whatever crap you want to believe by pointing out that it's crap. I might be hurting your feelings but why the fuck would that matter if you're faithful?! Just shake your head and pity me for being too stupid to see the truth! Go ahead, I'm used to it! And I'll keep smirking in that way that I smirk because everything is a joke to me anyway! Remember, I'm full of hyperbolic outrage and very real cynicism!

The Flash Annual #4

Yay! Aside from the cover, no Brett Booth art in this issue!

This annual must be about how Professor Zoom recruited these super villains to his crew so that they can appear seamlessly in the pages of the regular series.

The issue begins in 1520 in the Aztec Empire which was being properly transformed into a civilized and religious world by my great Spanish ancestors! An Aztec woman ages a bird with magic and some Spanish...um..."Liberators" (Conquistador sounds so harsh!) spy her horrible witchcraft! They say, "Usted ve con sus propios ojos. Ella es una bruja! Ella debe morir!!" I don't know Spanish very well but since I'm half-Spanish and was often called "mal niño" by my Grandmother, I think I'm pretty good at translating the language. Translated, the Spanish hero is saying, "Y'all saw that with your proprietary eyes, right?! She's an illusionist! She has to die!!" And she's all, "Ooh! How do you dye your clothing black?! I'll teach you how to dye clothing purple if you show me the trick to getting it black?!" And they're all, "Oh! Fancy!" But then Professor Zoom kidnaps her and the good Spanish lads are left disappointed.

But before Professor Zoom kidnaps her (which I assume he's going to do because he travels through time and why else would the story begin in 1520?!), the Spaniards have more Spanish wisdom for me to translate!

"She is either dangerous or a gross dog! Prepare your weapons!" "Hope!" "What do you want, old fart?" "Pardon me. I only wish to speak with her, playful squidman." "Very well. Dog ten cities."

This woman, Magali, makes Eobard Thawne young in exchange for his protection which he provides by killing the heroic Spanish Liberators. Magali offers her services to Eobard in his hunt to save the world from The Flash. But first they must collect more people throughout time who have been touched by the Speed Force. This should be boring or exciting!

Eobard's next stop is in Southern Africa in 1883. I am not part African or Dutch or whatever nation the heroic and not racist at all according to most text books Liberators were, so my translations skills will not be useful for this section of the comic book. Sorry!

Wow, these liberators are kind of dicks! But they speak English, so they must be the good guys. How dare that worker, probably compensated well for his time and hard work, try to steal from the company!

The thief is the Folded Man and he's stealing the diamonds to stick into his own mine. I guess he'll dig them up later and show them to the white guys and say, "Hey! Look what I found in the mine on my land which you didn't kick me off of and won't kick me off of now because it's just business, right guys?!" And they'll all clap him on the back and say, "How lucky you are! Here! Have a great fat cigar on us! Welcome to the rich man's club!" But before that plan can come together, Eobard and Magali show up to recruit him for their time travelling circus.

The white European people (who are being made out to be the bad guys for some reason!) seem to be responsible for burning the Folded Man's village and killing everybody within it. The Folded Man offers to join Eobard in exchange for getting revenge against the Europeans who just made a simple mistake, probably. I'm sure there's a rational explanation fro why the village burned. But Eobard the white guy convinces him that they can get revenge against all white people across all time if he joins the team. So he joins and they all time travel to find the next indigenous person that has a beef with the Europeans.

1957. Australia. A Maori woman is working in a circus sideshow and not being exploited at all. She is an immovable object unless you call her a Maori witch and then she'll move all over your stupid face. I suppose that means she somehow manipulates time so that she can lock her body into a moment. If there's no time, there's no movement! I think. That sounds about right.

Speaking of Maoris, I saw Jemaine Clement's What We Do In The Shadows last night. All I have to say is "Superb." Not only are all the actors who play vampires geniuses in their roles, Rhys Darby makes a serious attempt at stealing the entire movie as the Alpha Werewolf of a group of "werewolves not swearwolves" encountered by the vampires. I'm fairly certain I can say this is not only the best vampire movie ever made but the best vampire movie that will ever be made. I love Jemaine Clement's under-delivered performances. They really make the scene where the young vampire eats a chip. The delivery of his warning not to eat the chip is genius compared to the consequences of eating the chip. Fucking magical.

Once The Human Block is rescued from the circus, Eobard explains everybody's powers even though most readers probably have them all figured out by now.

I was close enough about The Human Block's powers.

According to the cover, Eobard still has two more people to rescue! The next one he takes from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma, in 1982. So is Eobard actively only recruiting indigenous people who have been granted Speed Force power so he can point at white Barry Allen and say, "There he is! Another white man trying to take what's yours!" He's treating these recruits like trained dogs! Who's the real racist here?

Don't say I am! Jerks!

The scene in Oklahoma plays out like something from X-men or the Inhumans. A kid with super powers has been shuttled off from one boy's home to another. But Professor Xavier Thawne is there to help! "You aren't a freak. You're special. You have unique powers. You have a family. Blah blah blah." Hugs all around. Another member recruited. Next!

Maybe don't spin then?

The fifth person on the cover is Hairy Potter, aka Selkirk. So I guess the band is complete. Time to rock The Flash's world!

But the police hate him! And everybody warns to get out of his way when he's around! He's unloved and unappreciated! I'm pretty sure now is the perfect time to kill him!

Does the Speed Force allow people to learn new languages quickly too?

Eobard Thawne reveals his face to the others when Magali questions how Professor Zoom knows so much about The Flash. But since Brett Booth isn't drawing the face that is revealed, I have no idea if I'm supposed to gasp at the revelation. Is it Bong Dazo's version of Henry Allen? Maybe! Or it could be Captain Frye! It's also possible it's Bruce Wayne! Shouldn't there be an editorial box telling me who it is I'm supposed to recognize?!

The last few pages show how Thawne manipulated events in each of his crew member's lives so they would wind up at a place where they would feel obligated to help him. It's a real shocker to find out Eobard Thawne isn't the caring guy he was making himself out to be!

The Flash Annual #4 Rating: I don't rate annuals. But The Flash probably wishes that I did because this was much, much better than the ongoing title. I'm absolutely not a fan of the Eobard Thawne using time travel to set up events to bring down The Flash because it's not going to work even though it should work because time travel! Keep doing it until you get it right or you break reality! But don't just lose! Losing is for people who can't time travel! I wonder how much more I liked this issue simply because I didn't have to look at Brett Booth's goofy art and screwy panel layouts?