Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Supergirl #8

Check it out, kids! A free digital comic book on this $3.99 comic book that used to cost $2.99! What a deal!

So DC Comics has decided they can no longer draw the line at $2.99 on monthly comic book titles. But what they can do is distract everybody with a free digital comic code! I'm super angry about this right now! Not because I have to pay an extra dollar on the monthly comic books but because I could be talking about Emerald Empress's tits! I particularly like the giant one leaking milk in her right hand! Wowzers!

The story begins with Kara being excited by a visit from her cousin, Superman. That's because she's forgotten that the only time he comes to visit her is to criticize the way she chooses to live her life. It's always "Wear underwear when flying around the city!" or "Don't stick the Kryptonian memory crystals in your vagina!" and "Stop immediately punching people in the face when you meet them!" and "Stop constantly exploding your vagina!" He has a lot of advice on what she should do with her vagina. Krypton is a lot more like Earth than people realize.

Why would he bring up the time she died as an example of cousins getting together?! That's not sexy at all!

Supergirl is about to remember how awful visits from her cousin can be when he begins to explain that today is a Kryptonian holiday: The Day of Truth! On this day, "Kryptonians tell only the truth, no matter how blunt or brash." Holy fuck. That sounds like the worst holiday ever. I have a feeling most Kryptonians took the day off work and locked themselves in a dark room until it was over. The problem with that kind of holiday is that most people's "truths" aren't truths at all! They're just terrible opinions a person thinks which they want to label as truth so they don't sound quite as horrible expressing them. What The Day of Truth really sounds like is a woman's every day experience on Twitter as sea lions harass them endlessly with "logic" and "reason" and "polite discussion." And of course Superman's first thought on The Day of Truth was to go harass Supergirl with some of his "truths." I said it at the end of the last commentary when he appeared! Superman only visits to tell Supergirl how she's living her life incorrectly. Even when she died in the crisis on infinite Earths, Superman made it all about him!

How about saying, "Go to hell, you prick! Why aren't you spending the day with Lois, hmm? Is it because you know this holiday sucks ass and you'll just wind up saying a bunch of shit you'll regret later?!"

I bet Superman totally just made up this day.

I wonder if the Kryptonian Fox News affiliate had to go off the air on this day?

Luckily for Superman (because if Kara is going to tell the truth, Kal's about to get buried in some), Emerald Empress begins attacking a cement mixer in downtown National City. So instead of attacking each other in the spirit of the holiday, Supergirl and Superman fly off to speak some truth to Emerald Empress. If Superman doesn't say, at least once, "You are so fit!", I won't believe he's taking the day seriously.

Supergirl can't remember why Emerald Empress is mad at her. That makes sense since Emerald Empress is from the future. She's probably mad about however this battle ends. Also, she has apparently already tracked down Saturn Girl in Arkham Asylum and learned that Supergirl destroyed her life. Again, I'm betting Supergirl destroys her life because Emerald Empress attacked her for no reason on the Day of Truth (even if the reason is that Kara destroyed Emerald Empress's life because she attacked her on the Day of Truth for no reason).

Supergirl explains that magic cannot hurt iron. And she says it out loud on the Day of Truth, so it must be truth. But I think she's wrong about that! I think the iron has to be smelted by a Rabbi or spit on by a priest before it can become an anti-magic talisman. I don't think Ford built their engines out of anti-magic iron. I definitely know Volkswagen didn't!

Supergirl defeats Emerald Empress with an engine block so Emerald Empress teleports away but not before truthfully saying, "This isn't over! Lots of people hate you! You might want to reconsider punching people in the face when you meet them!" Meanwhile, Batgirl voyeurs through batnoculars from a building across the way. I bet she just solved the Mystery of Supergirl's Missing Underpants!

Superman and Supergirl fly off to the Fortress of Solitude to eat dinner with Clark's family on the Arctic Express. I don't know why there is a train sitting outside the Fortress but I'm sure the reason can be found in a Golden Age story I've never read.

So she can't use contractions but she understands the way we categorize extended family? I don't even understand that shit!

After dinner, Superman and Supergirl play catch between the Earth and the Moon using the Supermobile. I would have used the Bottled City of Kandor.

Since it's the Day of Truth, Superman finally gets around to what he wants to discuss. He needs to tell Supergirl about how he is now the Superman of every DC Universe. I know Superman Reborn only showed two merging but that was probably due to limited space and/or artist error. I won't believe that DC needed to fix Preboot Superman by integrating him with New 52 Superman. That's like pissing in a milkshake to make it more palatable. No, Preboot Superman has definitely integrated with all of the Supermen that have ever appeared in any non-Elseworlds DC Comic book. And in so doing, apparently, he's changing all of the other characters into their united forms as well! The only thing stopping the process from being truly complete is a tiny dicked blue man on Mars.

Don't think about it too hard or for too long! Shh, shh. Just let it be.

Meanwhile, Simon Tycho apparently isn't a gelatinous butler encased in crystal (unless he became a sentient AI unit in Supergirl's Underwater Fortress of Secret Shame?) anymore. He's back running Tychotech and stealing technology and generally doing bad corporate things and pretending he's not a poor man's Lex Luthor. Also involved in corporate espionage (probably)? Batgirl! Everybody is looking into the rumor that Tychotech has developed (or, you know, stolen) the next big step in green energy. Catco, the DEO, and Batgirl's company (whatever it was called. Luke Fox's Cock Industries?) are interested!

The Ranking!
+1! This comic book became so much better when Cyborg Superman was removed.

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