Sunday, April 16, 2017

Justice League #18

The Tempus on the bottom looks like he's whispering "I'm going to put my dick in your blowhole now" to Aquaman.

Last Thursday, I went to Karaoke. I sang "East Bound and Down" by Jerry Reed (which I've been singing before the season of Archer where what's-her-name becomes a famous country singer) and "Mr. Crowley" by Ozzy Osbourne and "Can I Play With Madness?" by Iron Maiden and "Our House" by Madness and "Be My Lover" by Alice Cooper. It was probably my most successful night of Karaoke ever because I stuck to songs that I know really well. Except maybe "Our House" because there's that bit that's kind of fast that I don't know well.

I just wanted to remember a recent good moment in my life before I wade into the misery of another Bryan Hitch Justice League story. These are pretty terrible. I would go on to describe how terrible the stories are in a way that would eventually get back to Bryan Hitch so that he'll hate me without ever having read any of my terrific reviews but I just learned that it's Easter tradition to yell "Whore!" when you find the hidden Easter eggs full of chocolate in honor of the church's ignorant depiction of Mary Magdalene. I'm willing to believe that tradition is true without doing any further research. I'm also willing to incorporate it into my atheist Easter tradition of buying all the Easter candy on sale while everybody else is at church and eating it until I puke all over the plastic grass in my Easter basket.

Currently in this terrible story, the Giant Baby Man Being known as Tempus has decided Earth needs to be put on timeout. He's moving it to the far end of the universe on the other side of time so that its constant reboots and zero hours and infinite crises won't fuck with the rest of the universe. But Superman is all, "No way! You can't stop us! Even if we're accidentally ruining everybody else, you have to allow us the freedom to choose to ruin everybody else's life!" At that moment, all of the villains Superman has put in the Phantom Zone yell "Hypocrite!"

The one thing Superman and Batman have in common (aside from having fucked Big Barda) is that they're the only ones who know what is right. So if somebody disagrees with one of them, that somebody is obviously a villainous villain. It's why Superman and Batman fight so often. Tempus is just trying to do the right thing for the rest of the universe. But Superman doesn't agree so Tempus must be stopped. And apparently the readers are simply supposed to agree with Superman no matter how dumb the plot is. Well, I refuse to be a part of this nonsense! I'm putting my foot down right now and declaring Superman is wrong! Earth-New-Earth is a plague on the DC Universe and somebody needs to shut it the fuck down.

That's a handy excuse to get around writing a decent Superman!

Tempus cranks up the red sun thermostat to keep Superman manageable. How come Doctor Veritas hasn't created a red to yellow energy converter for Superman yet? She's an omniologist, after all. She could figure it out. It would probably be as simple as making a suit that acts like a prism, shifting the color of the light as it reaches his skin. I doubt that makes any real science sense but it makes absolute comic book science sense! Somebody get working on that!

While Superman angrily throws fists and does nothing to help anybody but his own sense of self, Batman is working on solving the problem with the time travelers of the Infinity Corporation. They explain how they need to stop the timeline from being shifted and Batman is all, "And we probably need all the stock market reports from 2017 to 2027, right? You might not see how that will help but I assure you, I've got a plan!"

In the "present," Molly the Time Keeper says the dumbest thing you can say in a time travel story.

I guess the clock in San Dimas is always running!

Last issue, Bryan Hitch devoted a page or two to each of the other Justice League members scattered through time trying to disarm time bombs. But since they really don't matter that much to this story, he reduces their appearances to one panel each. Just enough so the reader remembers they're there and can't whine, "But I bought a Justice League comic book, not a Batman Loves Superman comic book!" Eventually they get another panel but it's just to show that their fights didn't matter because as soon as Superman and Batman knock out some of Tempus's computer equipment in the future, the Timeless fall unconscious all across time. Wonder Woman, Flash, Cyborg, and the Green Lanterns are all, "What happened?" Aquaman screams, "I did it! Hooray for Aquaman! Champeen of the Seven Seas and now All of Time!"

Once all of the time bombs are defused, Molly the Time Keeper turns into Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time. She declares she will kill all of the super heroes now to keep Earth safe! So I guess Superman was right! The Justice League have to stop both Tempus and Molly! Who could have guessed? I mean, aside from everybody who has read every single Bryan Hitch story since he's been writing the Justice League for DC Comics. They all come down to a big cosmic fight with the Justice League caught up in the middle. And instead of choosing a side without any research or references like most heroes usually do, the Justice League just kick ass on both sides of the fight and shut it all down. And it's always the right choice! Because they're the Justice League!

Of course this time, most of the Justice League was wrong and helped Molly. Although it isn't like they had much choice. If they didn't help Molly to stop Tempus, Tempus would have put Earth on timeout forever. But now that they helped Molly become Dark Phoenix, Keeper of Dark Time, they're just going to have to turn on her and stop her.

You can tell she's evil now because she's showing so much more skin.

The Ranking!
No change! What a surprise twist! The person that was supposed to be good turned out to be bad! Just like Rao! And the World Singers! And that girl's AI program! Okay, maybe not so much that one. But kind of, if you squint hard enough! Bryan Hitch really only knows one story, doesn't he? "Somebody is here to save the world! No wait! They want to destroy the world! Oh no!"

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