Tuesday, April 4, 2017

The Wild Storm #2

This comic book just got terrible.

The issue begins with The Engineer flying off to investigate a government compound in Montauk, New York, because now that she's a superhero, she can investigate all the cool conspiracy theories. Maybe after she discovers evidence of time travel experiments in Montauk, she'll investigate the sexy properties of a vintage Orgone Accumulator. Something has to happen to get Angie's nipples constantly hard. It won't feel like a proper Wildstorm universe until that happens.

Angie heads into the basement, picks an electronic lock with her nanotech fingertips, grabs an ass-old bottle of water, sits on a magnetic Montauk Couch (it's more comfortable than a Montauk Chair), and cries. This scene will probably make more sense later when the reader has gotten more context. Or it already makes sense for people who are familiar with The Wildstorm universe. I call them "people" because I don't want to offend any of them with my real feelings toward anybody who read WildC.A.T.s. #1 and thought, "I need more of this!" Also, some people probably became fans of Wildstorm later through comics that didn't feel like you just paid a few dollars for a crumpled up script fished out of a garbage can and used for the basis of the biggest movement in comic books since The Thing shit on Alicia Master's chest because she asked for it. Miles Craven and whatever Covert Ops slash Business Venture he operates is trying to figure out how fucked up his life will soon become thanks to The Engineer stealing his company's stealth nanotech which his company stole from Skywatch. That's one of the reasons his life is fucked. The other big reason is that his company just failed to assassinate Jacob Marlowe, the CEO of rival company Halo. They make phones or something. So as you can see, the Wildstorm Universe is totally unlike our universe where businesses aren't just corporations but secret covert military operations vying for ultimate power over the masses. Also they're probably all Daemonites or something.

But don't worry (if you're worried about Miles Craven which I'm not sure why you would be. Because the story seems to ask it from you, maybe?)! Miles Craven has a plan!

I hope it's not wild! Or at least not written by Brandon Choi!

Jacob Marlowe also has a CAT to protect him. I bet half of the members of the CATs have names with "death" or "dead" in them! I bet they all have weird body dysmorphias as well! Maybe Warren Ellis will create a story element that explains why all of the early Image characters looked so fucked up.

The guy leading Marlowe's CAT is named Cash. I know that name! That name gives me flashbacks to having to read the worst New 52 comic book ever written (in a different way than The Ravagers was terribly written): Grifter! Although the pages with Cash on them aren't filled with barely intelligible Narration Boxes, so maybe it's Cole's brother, Not Cole Cash. Or Jeremy. Or something. More probably, Cash doesn't do the incessant Narration Boxing until he puts the colored toilet paper over his face and begins growling, "Call me Grifter."

Some person named Kenesha determines that The Engineer has probably gone to hiding in Camp Hero in Montauk. I don't know who Kenesha is but she's probably a member of Cole's CAT. She knows things!

Rufus Wainwright?! He's a tit man! I mean, he used to be!

Kenesha remembers everything she ever saw. That would be so great for masturbation. Also it would be so terrible for masturbation. I mean, I've looked at a lot of my own shits in my lifetime. How often would those images pop back in my head if I couldn't forget them?

Meanwhile, Henry Bendix, leader of Skywatch and all around monster, is slightly upset about somebody stealing Skywatch's technology. Zealot watches him (wild) storm out of the office of a Ms. Trelane. So I guess Zealot works for Skywatch. These corporations sure do enjoy espionage and assassination! I wish the war between Coke and Pepsi in the eighties had been this exciting.

Ms. Trelane informs Zealot that she's got a new case! She needs to hunt down The Engineer and figure out where she came from. Zealot doesn't seem too happy about this assignment, probably because the people Zealot hunts down usually wind up dead and Zealot doesn't want a person who saved another person's life at risk to her own safety to die because Zealot couldn't say no to her boss. It's a terrible position to be in, not being able to live by your own ethics because you feel trapped by your job. Isn't that right, Sean Spicer?

Meanwhile, Voodoo is making music videos or something.

Double meanwhile (unless we're at triple meanwhile which I totally think we are), Michael Cray (aka DeadViolence or DeathAggression or whatever) reveals he has an inoperable brain tumor. That will probably be important later.

Miles Craven's team discovers that Angie must be hiding in one of their bunkers in Montauk. So pretty much everybody is headed there to capture or kill The Engineer. Apparently the bunker is Majestic-level though so they might have some trouble getting her out of it, if they can even get to it while having to fight through all the CATs winding up at the door.

The Review!
+2! It's difficult to rate a comic book that is written as opposed to vomited forth from the face of a "writer" just trying to get enough words on the page to get their paycheck while making the story marginally interesting enough to not get cancelled. That's my main issue with superhero comic books. They tend to not give a shit about telling stories and wind up just telling moments. Superman saving the world from a cosmic threat by being more powerful and having more heart isn't a story. It's a moment in a story that could be interesting if writers were at all interested in telling stories that were actually about Superman. How often, though, do they feel as dense as something like this? Ellis is building a world. No, he's built a world. He's just, with Issue #1, opened the doors to the public. I want to ride all of his rides and eat all of his corndogs. If you get what I'm saying!

P.S. Look at how boring those two images I scanned are! Most comic books are afraid to fill their comic books with panels like that. The most action in this comic book comes when Henry Bendix glares at Zealot! Also when that character who teleports whose name I can't remember carries Cole and Kenesha into The Bleed on the way to Montauk. What kind of action is that?! This isn't a wild storm at all! It's more like a light drizzle on a day when the sun can't stay out from behind the clouds long enough for anybody to truly feel warm. But it's so much better than Batman punching Bane in the face for ten pages! Although, admittedly, it's easier to masturbate to the Batman/Bane thing.

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