Monday, April 10, 2017

Dark Knight Universe Presents: Detective Comics #1

This is already my new favorite comic book.

Even though the main issue was completely boring and barely worth reading, this mini-issue inside DK III #8 has made up for the bigger book's failings in the cover alone. What do you think this villain's name is? Swastika Tits? Lightning Labia? Hate-Fuck? I bet Catwoman is going to be so jealous of her. Especially after what she'll almost certainly do to Batman's penis in this issue.

I hope this is the pornographic comic book by Frank Miller that I was wishing for last month!

Ooh la la! Or whatever the German version of that French exclamation is.

That probably turned you on like the creep you are, right? So let me change the subject for a second to cool you off.

I had Chinese food on Saturday night which obviously means I ate a fortune cookie (or two!) afterward. For some reason, they always bring more cookies than there are people so my niece eats as many of the extra ones as she can. Somehow I managed to get two myself. I secretly hoped that my fortunes would be completely opposite of each other since, I think, that means you will die on the spot. And at this point, I'll take any easy way out to end the numbing mundanity of existence. Instead, my fortunes were two of the best I've ever gotten. The first was "Behind an able man. There are always." Right?! That's one is so spot on that I could never dream of getting a better fortune than that. And yet I did! The next fortune read, "A surprise will titillate you and frighten you but you will accept it." Oh boy! I'm finally going to get laid! Possibly by a bear!

This paragraph is where I'd get back to talking about the comic book but there really isn't any more to say. I probably should have just enjoyed the cover and not ruined the entire experience by reading the comic. It's even more rambling and incoherent than the main book. I suppose that isn't a surprised since I think Frank Miller is given even more leeway in the writing of these mini-comics. I feel like he just draws a bunch of panels that occur to him as he strains to get out his twice weekly, rock-hard shits and then scripts around the finished panels. Then Azzarello goes in and corrects all of the spelling errors and takes out the various racial epithets that almost certainly weren't crucial to the plot. I'm sure he tried to talk Frank out of drawing swastikas on the antagonist's tits and ass but there are some battles Frank Miller isn't willing to lose. Hell, he probably has it in his contract with DC that he gets to draw a minimum number of swastikas in this series.

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