Wednesday, April 26, 2017

The Flash #21

Hey! This cover is a spoiler for the end of part one in Batman #21! I'm glad I don't look too closely at the covers when I buy my comics.

Like last issue, this issue begins in a place where people are locked up against their will. Last issue was Arkham and this one is an old folks home. I almost put a possessive apostrophe on "old folks" before realizing they don't own shit about the place and it's just a descriptor of the misleading noun "home."

Last issue, Saturn Girl was upset and had to be wrestled to the ground and punched repeatedly and probably Tazed for being disruptive. This time, it's Old Man Thunder screaming from the rooftops at the genie who abandoned him. I guess the Legion of Super-Heroes and genies were edited out of the universe when the Watchmen took control. Saturn Girl probably survived by hiding in a Time Bubble. While hiding, she must have kicked the controls which sent her back to Gotham in the year 2017. And all time travelers to Gotham eventually wind up in Arkham because time travel is loony tunes!

Oh! The Watchmen didn't just hate genies. They hated stories that took place in DC's past and future! That's why they tried editing out time travel. Little did they know, Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell would be too stupid to follow the no time travel rule. I believe their defense was that the time travelers from the future were from an alternate timeline that wasn't Flashpoint and could therefore time travel! Jerks.

Back at the Batcave, The Flash has strung crime scene tape all over everything. Why? Who the fuck is going to stumble into the Batcave and destroy evidence? Alfred? Or maybe Alfred? Possibly even Alfred? Since it's only Alfred, maybe tell him to stay the fuck out for a bit. I suppose Damian might also blunder in but when has anything ever stopped Damian before? He's not going to respect the boundary of the yellow police tape!

The Flash spends pages and pages Narration Boxing. This issue is simply reminding me why I dropped it in the first place! Williamson has no trust in the medium. He needs to pad the writing to make sure everybody completely understands that The Flash is a forensic detective and that he worked hard to become one and that his super powers don't help him with that and the he got his powers in a lab and that his mother was killed by Thawne and that his first crime scene was his mother's death and that every detail of a crime scene can be worked out by just looking at it and how Thawne came from the future and how Thawne was his nemesis for some reason and...and...and...well, lots of other stuff as well. Maybe that's why Howard Porter drew police tape all over the Batcave. Because he had nothing else that really needed to be drawn since the Narration Boxes did all the heavy lifting.

Eventually, The Flash stops explaining things to the reader and engages in conversation with Bruce.

How could you tell it was with a capital G?! Even if you could see his speech bubbles, all DC Comics' letters are capitals!

Obviously it would be God with a capital G. Otherwise Thawne would have said, "I saw a god!" But he said, "I saw God." So the only reason Bruce needs to explain the whole capital G thing is if he believes Barry Allen is a fucking dope. Oh, yeah. That totally explains it.

Batman and Flash discuss the crime scene and come to only one conclusion: the button is now missing. World's Greatest Detective and Master Forensic Scientist my ass!

Oh yeah! I haven't said it yet even though it was obvious from Batman #21: God is Doctor Manhattan. Although that would mean Eobard Thawne is way more mature than I am because my last words would have been "I saw God's penis!"

The Flash leaves Batman in bed to go investigate on his own because he's had a really stupid idea!

Let's fuck with time again! Because that never hurts more than it helps! Ever!

The Cosmic Treadmill was being stored in a room on the Watchtower called the Hall of Lost and Found. It's where everything that was destroyed due to the New 52 has now reappeared into continuity since Rebirth made it all viable again. But it all needs to wait to be remembered and reintroduced at some point.

Batman arrives before Barry can do anything stupid. But he doesn't arrive to stop Barry! He arrives to help him fuck up continuity even more! What a jerk! Although I suppose if Rebirth is all about returning all stories to continuity, characters should be free to fuck with time to their heart's content now! Go back in time and impregnate Ma Kent, Bruce! Who cares?! It'll all just work itself out somehow. Plus how cool would it be if Superman suddenly had to constantly deal with his slacker Bat-Brother always crashing at the Fortress of Solitude and getting into tons of mischief?

Did Greg Rucka approve this statue?!

That Frank Cho statue has far less nipples and buttholes than I would expect.

Batman hops on the treadmill with The Flash and manages to time travel by holding on with a bat-grapple. I was really hoping he would have to ride on Barry's back.

While time traveling, Batman and Flash see an old version of the formation of the Justice League where they're super fucking nerdy. "Let us form a league to fight evil!" "Right, good buddy! Let evil shake in their boots!" "Check out Wonder Woman's shorts! So modest!" "And our bulges are hardly manly at all!"

They also witness the moment Barry disintegrated in Crisis and Barry makes sure to point out that what they're witnessing isn't from an alternate universe at all. These stories — all of them! — are from their universe! But how can that be?! They're all so contradictory! It's going to do in the heads of all the continuity loving fangenders!

Eventually the Cosmic Treadmill crashes and burns. The Flash and Batman find themselves in the Batcave of Thomas Wayne of Flashpoint! OH NO! They've gone and fucked it up all over again! I can't wait for The New New 52 beginning next fall!

The Ranking!
No change! I almost gave this a positive review because I love Howard Porter's art and because I love when The Flash fucks up continuity (especially when he does it with Batman! Has that ever happened before? So good!). But then I remembered how much Narration Boxing The Flash did and my boner dried up.

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