Saturday, April 8, 2017

Kamandi Challenge #3

I can't believe DC would allow a topless girl on the cover of a teen comic!

Some of you might have been confused by that caption but that's because you don't know that Kamandi is female. A lot of people might try to convince you otherwise but have they read the old Kamandi comic books? Probably not. They probably rely on Wikipedia for their inaccurate information.

On the plus side (not that having a naked woman on the cover is a negative side! But I'm trying to be more positive and saying things like "on the plus side" makes it seem like I'm optimistic), it looks like Kamandi will soon be in a lesbian relationship. Although is it really lesbianism if Kamandi's girlfriend is a sentient plant?

The cover says, "Can you solve it before they do?" I guess there's supposed to be a mystery of some kind being solved here? Maybe the question just refers to solving the cliffhanger at the end of each issue. On one hand, I can't solve it before they do because the solution has already been written before I even read it. On two hand, I'm pretty sure I can solve it before I read the issue which publishes the solution. It's just that my solution will never be the same as the published solution. That's because my solution often involves Kamandi sucking a humanoid scientist dog's dick. I'm quite certain that's a Teen Plus solution.

At the end of the last issue, Kamandi had thrown herself over a cliff to escape some Manhunters. That's the cliffhanger. It's practically a literal one! The solution to this one is so simple even Scott Lobdell could come up with it. Obviously as Kamandi falls, she grasps at a branch. But the branch breaks off in her grip and she stares at it in shocked surprise as she resigns herself to a swift death. But on the branch is a familiar ring with an L on it! Kamandi quickly slips it on her finger so that it will look like she was stylish and wealthy to whoever finds her body. She's as surprised as the reader is not that she can suddenly fly! And that's the perfect solution to the cliffhanger!

This issue is written by Jimmy Palmiotti and drawn by Amanda Conner. So it'll look good and probably have a bunch of sexual innuendo in it. The really clever kind like naming a cock Mike and having Harley stuff things in her beaver's hole.

Jimmy and Amanda opt to use the old "saved by humanoid bat people wearing helmets while being ordered around by Captain Turtle" shtick. Figures!

Kamandi must have a green vagina. That's a sexy gardening joke!

Kamandi finds herself in a community full of sentient humanoid animals. They grow plants to fuck and enslave bat people. They're also all constantly spied upon by sentient mosquitoes. Captain Turtle believes that Kamandi is a messenger from their gods. Basically she's the Jesus to her parents' God. I think the mystery I'm supposed to be solving has to do with Kamandi's parents. Who are they? What are they up to? Why did they not use birth control?

Kamandi discovers that she's supposed to eat Vila, her fuck plant. One of those things is disgusting. I'm not sure which.

Captain Turtle's ship becomes too limited for the story so the bat people attack and sink it. But Kamandi and Vila escape with the help of the two bat people enslaved by Captain Turtle and his animal crew. They fly to Sun Cult Island where the Jaguar people will be able to threaten their lives next. I hope they're not as dumb as the tiger people who thought a nuclear weapon was GREEEEAAAAAT!

The jaguar people capture Kamandi and her friends. They eat the bat people but tie up Kamandi and Vila to some stakes where they're to be sacrificed to the Jaguar God. He's about the size of King Kong and wears necklaces made from military planes, tanks, and missiles. How is anybody going to think up a way out of this one?! Impossible!

Oh, the next writer is James Tynion IV. He writes a lot of cliché comic book tropes so I totally know how he'll solve this next month. He'll allow Kamandi and Vila to be swallowed whole. Then Vila and Kamandi will have sex inside the Jaguar God's stomach. When Vila orgasms, she'll bloom and release so many spores that the Jaguar God's stomach will burst and Kamandi and Vila will be free! Easy peasy.

At the end of the book is an essay by Neal Adams describing how he would have written Kamandi's escape from falling off the cliff. Except he doesn't explain how he would have gotten out of it. He just talks about drawing stuff and Jack Kirby and Comic Con. I'm not sure Neal Adams truly understands assignments he's given at this point. He just rambles and digresses and loses his train of thought and DC Comics throws money at him. Remember that Superman mini-series he did, The Coming of the Supermen? That was a fucking train wreck. This essay he wrote is only slightly better. Neither of them have a point.

The Ranking!
No change! I think this series will just be writers sending Kamandi from one Jack Kirby apocalyptic world location to the next and then having some creatures attack her at the end. Then the next writer has to come up with a fairly boring and innocuous way of getting Kamandi out of trouble before sending her on to the next wacky location. I'm not sure the editors worked hard enough getting the writers to add bits of the lost parents plot to their stories. At least I think the Mystery of the Missing Parents is the main mystery of the book. Who can tell? Maybe the main mystery of the book is the main mystery of the book?

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