Saturday, April 8, 2017

Detective Comics #953

Is the left boob a vital organ?

This issue begins with Renee Montoya scratching her ass as Jim Gordon displays his terrible taste in white middle age fashion (Hawaiian shirt and khakis!). Renee has been seen before in other comic books so you'll hopefully forgive this one for not starting off by saying, "Renee is gay! She totally sticks her tongues into vaginas! I think! Is that how lesbians do it?" These teen rated comic books really need to be more informative about gay sex. They should also be more informative about heterosexual sex. Like maybe show a picture of a vagina once in a while so I know what to picture in my head when I masturbate. It's not sexy at all just picturing the word "vagina."

Are all the women in law enforcement in the DC Universe gay? There's Renee and Kate and Maggie and...well, that's all I can think of! Oh! And that nun in the Gotham Supernatural Crimes Unit. I guess if she were gay that would make Jesus her beard?

Commissioner Gordon is returning from a vacation in Jamaica which doesn't explain his Hawaiian shirt at all. Apparently when he heard that the Gotham Police Department were looking at Batman as their prime suspect for the murder of Mayor Hady, he was like, "OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! What kind of easily manipulated idiots do I work with?! Obviously Batman didn't kill the guy! He never kills the guy! No matter how many times a villain frames him for murder, it never winds up being The Goddamned Batman!" Then the cabana boy was all, "Would you like more rum in your coconut?"

Renee isn't one of those chumps who believe everything they hear (although sometimes you have to believe some stuff! You can't be like all of these Internet intellectuals who never believe anything so that they can never be fooled by anything. Although those are the same types of people who believe shit like Project Cloverleaf and Pizzagate) so she brought Batman along to work with Commissioner Gordon. They'll get to the bottom of this League of Shadows nonsense and probably without once saying, "Doesn't this remind you just a little bit of the Court of Owls?"

Hey! Me too! Now whenever I want to show somebody that I love them, I yell, "Out vile jelly!" I'm pretty sure they understand.

After all the boring introductory stuff that's there to remind readers the names of the characters and possibly some other stuff (although they forgot to remind everybody that Renee Montoya is gay. Shame! (I mean shame on the forgetting and not shame on the being gay. Don't you dare purposefully misunderstand my meaning, you terrible Internet scolds!)), the action begins. That action is the League of Shadows attacking all of the secret Bat Lairs because why wouldn't they know every Bat-Secret ever? They're the most dangerous foes Batman has ever faced!

Also, Cassie Cain kicks Batman's ass because she's going through a terrible bout of Daddy and Mommy Issues. Sometimes I wish somebody at DC Comics would hold a staff meeting to suggest other reasons characters might be experiencing drama in their lives. It doesn't always have to be about parents, does it?!

Judging by the next scene, I'm going to predict that meeting never, ever takes place.

Here's another idea for a company meeting: bring in all of the artists to see what an actual woman looks like when she's in a suit of leather. It doesn't adhere to the body in the way they think it does. Is Kate vacuum sealed into her outfit?! Oh! I bet if she was, I'd finally know what to picture when I think "vagina!"

Cassandra heads into Gotham Times Square to shout "Shiva!" which Shiva obviously hears. I avoid being angry about how ridiculous that is by asking myself, "Do I want to read ten pages of Cassandra Cain hunting down Shiva?" Since the answer to that is "Holy fucking Christ, no!", I'm happy with this turn of events. Cassie is being plagued by that question that After-School Specials have told us plagues all adopted children eventually: "Why did my mother abandon me?" You know what Special I never saw that would have really helped me growing up? "Why Didn't My Mother Abandon Me?" I totally would have identified with that one.

Shiva doesn't answer Cassie's question because Cassie refuses to kill her. Well, that seems like a no-win situation. How could she answer if Cassie killed her? Oh wait. It's comic books. She probably would resurrect or become a ghost or fart the answer in a long, rambling death ass rattle.

While all of the Bat Family are being picked apart, Batman discovers Ra's al Ghul has infiltrated the Batcave. He must be there to offer Batman a chance to work with him to defeat the League of Shadows. Batman will probably say "I guess I have no choice!" instead of the thing he really should say: "Are you fucking kidding me? I know Superman and Wonder Woman! Get the fuck out of here!"

The Ranking!
No change! If you want to read a comic book that feels familiar because it's using all of the comic book clich├ęs ever and even stealing most of the plot elements from the Court of Owls story, you should pick up this comic book! I'd rather spend those five minutes of my life in a more interesting way, like smelling the lint between my toes or shoving magic markers up my ass. But since I read the comic book already, I just don't have time! But you still have a chance to make that decision! Heed my warning, comic book readers! Carpe Magicae Plumbum!

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